You Suck at Craigslist

YSaC, Vol. 1538: I think I gotta make you my next ex.

drmk — Wed, 19 Jun 2013 12:37:18 +0000

36″ tall ex pen

I have two ex-pens for sale like new condition 40.00 each

It’s worth a try, I guess, but I just don’t think this will hold my ex. He was kind of wily. And taller than 36″. And usually required more grazing room than this will provide. And he had opposable thumbs, although he wasn’t really bright enough to know what to do with them …

On second thought, these would probably work just fine for him. Maybe I’ll give him one of those dangly toys to play with, too.

Thanks, OMV!

YSaC, Vol. 1537: Nurse!

drmk — Tue, 18 Jun 2013 10:58:31 +0000

Medical Experimentation Volunteer

I would very much like to volunteer to serve as a test subject for any type of medical experimentation if conducted by a female nurse or female nursing team. Particularily interested in being test subjest for training of staff in the conducting of colonics, insertion of catheters, prepping of patient for colonoscopies or prostate exams. Virtually anything involving the penis, testicles or rectum would be very desirable. I am available virtually anytime, any day.
Contact [Sparky] at hardsixnthick at [rest of email]

This is so generous! Sparky is trying to be a philanthropist, and dedicate his body to the pursuit of science education! And it’s nice of him to be so flexible in terms of what he’s willing to subject himself to.

Nope, this isn’t transparent at ALL.

Thanks, Buff!

YSaC, Vol. 1536: I want to thank you for putting me back in my snail shell …

drmk — Mon, 17 Jun 2013 12:37:37 +0000

1000 live snails – Barely used

I ordered 1000 live snails off a website for the sake of a pun and now I don’t know what to do with them. At first glance it looks like the whole tank is still alive but I can’t speak for the ones near the bottom obscured by the others. You haul

There’s a couple of different ways we can go with this one. I can’t choose, so you get both; they’re both audience participation, so be sure to comment with your answer!

First option: Barely Used Snails is the name of your _________ cover band.

Second option: What pun would require a thousand live snails?

Put your answers to either or both super-important questions in the comments below!

Also, FYI, “barely used live snails” anagrams to “rude, baseless villainy.” So there’s that. And a thousand snails cost ~$100 on eBay, so I’m hoping the pun was worth it.

Thanks, Nick!

YSaC, Vol. 1078 redux

drmk — Sun, 16 Jun 2013 15:06:36 +0000

Oh, why not?

See you tomorrow with a new post!

YSaC, Vol. 1187 redux

drmk — Sat, 15 Jun 2013 12:28:36 +0000

We already had one Pee-Wee Herman reference this week, so let’s take a trip back to another one.

YSaC, Vol. 1535: Pee Wee is extra.

drmk — Fri, 14 Jun 2013 10:45:10 +0000

3 Bikes All Works Fine – $60

I Have 3Bikes They All Work Fine
Neither One Of Them Have Brakes
The Purple 1 Needs One Peddal & the Chain Needs Tighting I Can Do That For You
Other Than That They All Are Perfect ….But The Pink & White Mongoose Is The Best One
If Interested You Can Contact Me By Email Or xxxxxxxxxx

So let’s review:

There are three bikes, all of which work fine despite neither of them having brakes. So of the perfect ones, the pink and white one is the best perfect one. All clear?

Thanks, Ted!

YSaC, Vol. 1534: We all live in a death trap.

drmk — Thu, 13 Jun 2013 10:05:36 +0000

Who wants a one man submarine?

Its a homemade one, but was used for its purpose years ago. Fully functional. I dont think id use it. About 9ft long and about 7ft tall. Could be a good center piece or clean it up and use it. What do you have? Email for more info.

My definition of “fully functional” must be slightly different than Sparky’s. My definition includes the ability to actually USE the “fully functional” item … and not just as a centerpiece. A centerpiece? Really? This would be the world’s worst centerpiece — it looks as though it’s made out of Bondo, soda cans, and resentment.

Thanks, jg!

YSaC, Vol. 1533: Don’t use the light saber.

drmk — Wed, 12 Jun 2013 10:53:37 +0000

And sometimes, it just gets weird.

Jedi Needed To Induce Labor

I am nearing towards my due date and I am miserable. My child is about 9 lbs now and I still have 2 weeks to go.

I was hoping that tonight’s full moon will do the trick, but this child is as snug as a bug in my uterus.

I’m looking for someone who possesses Jedi powers to use their mind tricks on my child to convince him to come early. The sooner the better.

If you are a master in the way’s of the Jedi please help me deliver this child! Many thanks and may the force be with you!

… I got nothin’.

Thanks, Heff!

YSaC, Vol. 1532: I yam sorry.

drmk — Tue, 11 Jun 2013 12:46:28 +0000

Crady lady at Safeway yelling about candied yams – m4w – 45

I was in line at Safeway today and you were a few checkstands over screaming for someone to help you with candied yams. I don’t even know what the hell they are, but I was definitely turned on. You: 50′s or 60′s, crazy as shit and apparently really like yams. You settled on fresh ones when you realized the store didn’t carry the candied variety. I wanted to pretend to go look at onions and stare at you while you picked out a choice yam, but I had to get going. Maybe we can get together and candify them? I’ll bring the sugar…

It’s nice to see that Karen Finley is still working. (Warning: just … warning.)

Thanks, jg!

YSaC, Vol. 1531: We can sing “Alice’s Restaurant”.

drmk — Mon, 10 Jun 2013 10:52:02 +0000

Nice rare hand carved dough chest – $450

This is a one of a kind chest owned by president Regan comes with an autographed picture; authentic picture.

Please text or e.mail Johanna xxx.xxx.xxxx.

There are other pictures of this dough chest (turns out that’s actually a thing — who knew?), but there’s nothing particularly notable about the chest itself. It’s obviously the provenance and the picture of our 40th president that is such a draw about this piece. Let’s look at the authentic autographed picture of the good ol’ Gipper, shall we?

Well, huh. Let’s pause for eighteen and a half minutes of silence, shall we, to mourn the demise of Johanna’s reading comprehension?

Thanks, Donald!