YSaC, Vol. 1514: I told you one and one make three.
2013 May 16
looking for a cult
My friend is pretty basic and indecisive. He keeps looking for different chicks, jobs, vegetables and schools. All this would be fin is he was still 19 but he is 34 or something. He has mechanical skills, very friendly and does not smell like cheese. He would be a nice addition to any cult that unburdens members from thinking. Please email a brief description of your cult, your groups position on sucker MC’s and a picture of a stunt your cult does. thanks!
We here at the Cult of Cheese would like to extend an invitation to your …. oh, wait, I’m sorry — did you say he does not smell like cheese? Never mind. We have strict rules. Have you considered Urantia? They’ll take anyone — even Stockhausen.
Thanks, Johanna!
This again. YSaC is NOT a cult, NOT a pron site, and NOT a place to dump unwanted 34-year-old vegetable eating sparkies! Now clear off! Leave the claytonia.
Cult is such a strong word, we’re more like a collection of like-minded individuals who have invented their own language and rituals based on shared themes.
Anyone care for a carrot?
Does that come as pie?
I like pie.
I like cupcakes.
I like coffee, I like tea…
No, it crumbs as cake. Let them eat cake.
Who’s the leader of the club that’s made for you and me….
C-R-A…I-G-S…L-I-S-T-(t)……….. The power of Craigslist compels you! The power of Craigslist compels you!….. and yes, please, I’d like a carrot. Or does that make this appear to be a pron site?
It depends on what you do with the carrot.
Hmm, L-l-a, m-a-n, n-u-n tee-hee doesn’t work any better, does it?
Dear sinner:
We are a fellowship of believers, not a cult, and are blessed with manifestations of the Divine presence. Other new religious movements are cults and do stunts.
Yours in Cthulhu’s abundant love,
Archimandrite Dave
Cthulhu? You’ve been touched by the wrong noodley appendage. The one you want smells like cheese, probably Parmesan.
Chthulhu’s noddley appendage has never smelled like cheese. Trust me on this one. 8)
My appendage is only noddley when I’m tired. 🙂
Y’all can just go ahead over to the corner, we have one reserved for you under the name “Windthulhu”.
Carrot?
No.
Cabbage?
No.
Jicama?
Those scare me.
Broccoli?
No. Seriously, I need something different.
Hmm. Buddha’s hand?
…
…
Wow, that sure is different. Still a fruit though.
I’m not sure where I’m going with this post; I just wanted to post a link to Buddha’s hand.
Dan candied one of those once. It was … interesting.
I’ve considered getting a tree and telling the neighbors I’m growing Cthulhu pods.
Unfortunately, I doubt they’d get it.
Candied hand… Mmmmm. Good with fava beans and a nice chianti.
The only meal that’ll floss for you.
I thought it was very tasty. Sort of like homemade gummi bears.
Candied hand!?
Caaaaaarl!
The Flying Spaghetti Monster requires cheese. If you can’t cut it with the cheese, then you can’t be one of us.
You must first partake of the curds made from the modified sweat glands of hoof stock holy unto Chthulhu.
Cheese low-ese?
I think I speak for everyone when I say we can definitely cut the cheese.
I think I’ll speak for myself. Thank you very much.
BBBBRRRRAAAAAAAPPPPPP!!!!!
Um, sorry about that, Maybe you should do the talking around here Double D D
My Dearest Sparky,
On behalf of the Lighthouse Community Divine Brotherhood of Sisters Roman Holy Precious Mt. Hope Church for Cats, I’d like to invite you and your 34-yr. old non-cheesy friend to attend our services and see if our
cultfamily of believers is a good fit.Please respect the following rules when visiting:
1. No shoes.
2. All clothing must be made from the finest gossamer wing material
3. We drink only the Tears of Our Enemies during Communion – be prepared.
4. Never bring spinach into the sanctuary.
5. Cats are welcome, and at last count there were 42 living on the grounds.
6. Do NOT alter the number of cats.
7. If you do not have your own towel, one will be provided for you. But, only ONE…don’t lose it.
8. All services are conducted in silence. Try to keep up with what’s going on.
9. Each member may bring one guest for a maximum two visits. After that, don’t get caught simply passing the collection plate.
10. Absolute obedience to the (current)
cult leaderDivine Minister is essential. Dissent is not an option, and will be dealt with swiftly.We look forward to your
kidnappingvisit, and wish you Peaceful Fountains of Happy Happy Joy Joy.Reverently,
Xenia Recordia, Keeper of Figtail Feifings and;
Assistant to Bugsy, the Insane, First Catlord of the Lighthouse Community Divine Brotherhood of Sisters Roman Holy Precious Mt. Hope Church
Within a cult so sad and dreary, Xenia’s message made me cheery,
Overcome with joy and song I rose from lying on the floor-
Dancing, arms aflapping, like a gift without the wrapping,
I gladly headed quickly over to my stack of doors-
“She deserves these,” I cackled,all of my favorite doors-
All of these and many more.”
No more will I be a door monger, these heavy doors, wish I was stronger,
I gazed about the lounge, seeking those whose help I could implore.
Please wrangle many more for this, She’s earned so many more of this.
I feel that I must do much more, May I be ready for what’s in store.
I witness to the snarkers of the one who deserves doors.
Not just one, but many more.
Now, as I wander through the net, I give the praise that she should get.
I have noted all of the locations of every hardware store.
From Washington to Alabam’, I try to stay out of this jamb,
Of lacking numbers I’m seeking more, perhaps I’ll switch to shower doors.
I hope this does not seem unseemly, CJ is the one these doors or for.
I implore you, give her more.
I hope I will not be
smitedsmittensmote(?) for this by our revered Llamanun(BBUH)……or by Bugsy, the Insane, First Catlord of the Lighthouse Community Divine Brotherhood of Sisters Roman Holy Precious Mt. Hope Church.
Gosh, I’ve never been immortalized in poetry before. Nor have I had so many doors flung in my direction……in a good way, that is.
OMV – services start at elebenty-hunnert hours on Suntuesday morning. Don’t be late! 🙂
Does anyone else find it disturbing that Sparkums used “unburdens” correctly, but can’t seem to spell “fine?”
–Semicolonia, member of the cult of the holy church of dictionary, where we await the destruction of the earth with vengeful grammar rays. Also we don’t like capital letters.
He also could not spell “if”.
(Perhaps Sparky should join the Church of the open parenthesis?
……) Accept this or we will picket your church and disrupt your services with our Holy Bullhorn.
Nooooo! Damn you! I mean… yay, Kool-aid time!
Well, we won’t let him join the Amalgamated Union of Limburgers Nachos Bocconcinis and Other Stinking Persons. We demand rigidly defined areas of spelling and cheese smelling.
I was ‘invited’ to leave a cult once. Oh wait, that was a ‘CLUB’… nevermind, carry on.
I operated a CULTiplaner once. It was a bearcat.
Sorry ghosty, It wasn’t dead at the time.
“He keeps looking for different vegetables.”
Because corn is all you need.
It’s easy.
All you need is corn.
Corn is all you need.
My favorite Beatle song!!!!!!!
“Hello, Mr. Sparky? I am calling you because your friend referred you to us. I’m Marie from the Church of Scientology. How are you? Good, good. I wanted to talk to you about joining our growing organization. Did you know Scientology is growing at an accelerated rate? We are opening Ideal Morgues… I mean Ideal Orgs… all over the world. They look empty, but that’s just your poor wog vision. No no, wog is not a racist insult, that’s what we call all of you raw meat. Listen, it’s obvious you’re searching for something greater. Well, you see, our buddy Ron, that’s what we call him, he’s found out the real deal about this world. The Earth is a prison planet. This galactic dictator called Xenu was faced with overpopulation, so he froze a few million people, dumped their souls on Earth, and then implanted them with all sorts of bad stuff. Those souls are stuck to your body today and are causing you to be at effect to the universe instead of being at cause. Do you like doing nearly-unpaid slave labor? Good, good, we can offer you that, definitely. No chicks, though. That would be out-2D. You can’t have sex with anyone unless you’re married to them. Do you smell like cheese? You know, we can help you with that. It’s on Dianetics page 38. Hey listen, we don’t tolerate sucker MCs. Ron said that sucker MCs are totally 1.1 on the tone scale, just like homosexuals, sad clowns, and tax accountants. What’s the tone scale? It’s like emotional states made into numbers so you can measure people’s level at any moment and match it so you can persuade them to give more money to the org and… anyway, it’s not important. Listen, here’s the thing. The Internet has been doing us a lot of damage, so our number one criterion right now is that you never, ever read the Internet. Do you ever read the Internet? For anything? No? Okay, good. Vegetables? Well, Anonymous keeps throwing tomatoes on our windows, so we’re good on tomato puree. Other than that, it’s pretty much rice and beans. You like beans, right?”
*opens door to box* Hey! How’d all these doors get in here? CJ and LL, stand back while I disintergratize a few of them. *buuuzzzzzzzzzzzz fizzle* That’s not a happy sound. Punchity Punch Punch!
Good Morning, Children of the Corny!