YSaC, Vol. 1536: I want to thank you for putting me back in my snail shell …

2013 June 17

1000 live snails – Barely used


I ordered 1000 live snails off a website for the sake of a pun and now I don’t know what to do with them. At first glance it looks like the whole tank is still alive but I can’t speak for the ones near the bottom obscured by the others. You haul

There’s a couple of different ways we can go with this one. I can’t choose, so you get both; they’re both audience participation, so be sure to comment with your answer!

First option: Barely Used Snails is the name of your _________ cover band.

Second option: What pun would require a thousand live snails?

Put your answers to either or both super-important questions in the comments below!

Also, FYI, “barely used live snails” anagrams to “rude, baseless villainy.” So there’s that. And a thousand snails cost ~$100 on eBay, so I’m hoping the pun was worth it.

Thanks, Nick!

55 Responses leave one →
  1. 2013 June 17

    Barely Used Snails is my Foo Fighters cover band.

    What do you call a legless female saint of all that is horney? Snail Mary.

    What do you want, it’s Monday.

    Adores: 6
  2. 2013 June 17
    MissMommyNiceNice permalink

    Barely Used Snails is my Hooty & the Blowfish cover band.

    Adores: 4
  3. 2013 June 17

    Barely Used Snails is the escargot at my restaurant in the hipster neighborhood.

    Adores: 4
  4. 2013 June 17

    I’m going to try them both – I hope that doesn’t just dilute my creativity!

    Barely Used Snails is my Bare Naked Ladies cover band.

    Person A “I hear you started a new diet – what is the gimmick?”
    Person B “Oh, I only eat food I can catch myself.”
    A “That sounds positive, how has it been going?”
    B “You know, I thought since I don’t get much exercise it would be a real challenge, but surprisingly, in the last week I gained 1 kilo-snail!”

    Adores: 4
  5. 2013 June 17
    DigitalAxis permalink

    I know they slimed all over your half-finished deck, but YOU’RE the one who said you needed “thousand s nails” to finish the project.

    Learn your lesson well, and see that you do not repeat it.

    Lamentations and Vengeance,
    Conan the Grammarian

    Adores: 5
    • 2013 June 17
      Irregular Fractal permalink

      Is Sparky’s sentence death by a thousand snail guts?

      Adores: 1
  6. 2013 June 17
    HamCan permalink

    Look at that “S” car go!

    Adores: 23
    • 2013 June 17

      You know, Hammy, I wouldn’t trade places with you for anything. Except maybe some smoked salmon. 😉

      Adores: 5
    • 2013 June 17
      One Moving Violation permalink

      Exactly how fast does that S car go?

      About 1 kilomollusk.

      Adores: 2
      • 2013 June 17
        HamCan permalink

        I dunno, but I wonder how many miles per gallon of gastropod it gets?

        Adores: 1
        • 2013 June 17

          And does it tend to run a bit sluggish?

          Adores: 6
  7. 2013 June 17
    camille permalink

    Barely Used Snails is the name of my Nine Inch Nails cover band.

    And I’m having a terrible time coming up with a pun. Monty Python and the Holy Snail? Bed of snails? Epic snail? Get out of snail free? I’ve been working on the snailroad?

    Adores: 3
  8. 2013 June 17

    Barely Used Snails is the name of my Men at Work cover band.

    They look like olive nerites, so maybe Sparky ordered them from a Middle Eastern company that he had previously bought a single snail from in order to have a thousand and one Arabian nerites?

    Yeah, I got nuthin’.

    Adores: 9
  9. 2013 June 17

    Barely Used Snails is the name of my Tiffany cover band.

    Putting the final snail in the coffin?

    Hob-snail boots?

    Adores: 3
    • 2013 June 17
      One Moving Violation permalink

      Rebecca is in my head too?

      I had a meme there were snails in my coffin, snails in my coffin, and..
      You’re so EEEEEK! Get ’em off me! Get ’em off. I’m not dead! Sheesh!
      -A. Sciuto

      Adores: 2
  10. 2013 June 17

    “You bought a thousand snails? Why in the flying purple Hellshark would you do that?”

    “So, would you say that you’re… Shellshocked?”

    [Yeeeeeah!]

    Adores: 8
  11. 2013 June 17
    mudslicker permalink

    Barely used live snails I guess is better than barely alive used snails.

    Snails keep trying to tell me
    all you want to do is use me
    But my answer yeah to all that “use me” stuff
    Is I want to spread some butter
    that if it tastes this good getting used
    Oh you just keep on using me until you use me up
    Until you use me up

    Adores: 2
  12. 2013 June 17

    Isn’t it funny that when we are asked to provide puns, we got nothin’?

    Adores: 8
    • 2013 June 17
      nojazzhere permalink

      Anyone feeling peckish? Got me a big ole box of Barely Used Snail Helper…….lunch is almost ready….I’ll be in the corner, saying 10 Our Fathers and a bunch of Snail Marys.

      Adores: 9
    • 2013 June 17

      We’ve got snail-themed pun performance anxiety malady, or SPPAM.

      Adores: 5
      • 2013 June 17
        HamCan permalink

        Maybe we need some Viagrapod…

        Adores: 4
        • 2013 June 17
          mudslicker permalink

          Do you take that? Is it better than Viagralusk?

          Adores: 1
        • 2013 June 17
          HamCan permalink

          Viagralusk is only for Bi-valves…

          Adores: 1
        • 2013 June 17
          mudslicker permalink

          Bi-valves are so indecisive and hoggy. Either be on one side of the fence or the other, but not both.

          Adores: 4
    • 2013 June 17
      DigitalAxis permalink

      The jokes are coming in at a snail’s pace…

      Adores: 3
  13. 2013 June 17
    P-Rex permalink

    Dude! What happened to you? It looks like your face cold launch a thousand S cargo ships.

    or…

    I hate my neighbor and his fancy shmancy S-car. So I bought bought a thousand rounds of ammo for my snail gun so I could shoot his windshield, but I got the wrong calibre. I needed milimollusk when I got kilomollusk instead.

    Oh well, maybe I’ll go fix some shells and cheese for lunch.
    Whoa Nelly! What have I been smoking? Oysters? Clams? Snails? They’re all the same aren’t they?

    Adores: 1
  14. 2013 June 17
    Irregular Fractal permalink

    Barely Used Snails anagrams to Brainless Lady Sue, which is my Johnny Cash cover band fronted by a blonde crossdresser.

    Adores: 15
  15. 2013 June 17
    tigprincess permalink

    Me! Me! I’ve got the correct answers, Miss ….*hands up in air waving manically*

    Barely Used Snails is Echo and the Bunnymen’s cover band.

    Sparky wanted to be a surfer but was frightened of the ocean, in fact he was scared of all water. Grass has too much friction and so his Mummy came up with the idea of creating an ocean of snails for him to practise upon. Thus his latest hit song was born: “I’m riding along on the crusts of old snails” …. as sung by Boy Scouts at Gang Shows everywhere.
    ttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SbvoW7u48k0

    I thank you!

    Still puzzling over barely used as a descriptive term for snails. Shoes, Yes. Dresses, Yes. But snails? Surely snails are either alive or dead …. but barely used??

    Adores: 2
    • 2013 June 17

      Sparky must have been attempting the lesser known thought experiment called Schrödinger’s Snails*, where the probability that any given snail is alive or dead is determined by its location within a wriggling mass of gastropods inside a blue plastic tub.

      *Schrödinger’s Snails is the name of my Blue Oyster Cult cover band.

      Adores: 7
    • 2013 June 17
      One Moving Violation permalink

      I too have many correct answers. However, they are to totally unrelated questions.
      Because if you get related questions together, they produce more questions with defects.

      Adores: 5
  16. 2013 June 17
    P-Rex permalink

    Barely Used Snails is this months cover photo of Barely Legal Mollusks.
    Umm, at least that’s what a friend aquaintancereally weird guy that passed me on the street said.

    Adores: 1
  17. 2013 June 17
    Demon Duck of Doom permalink

    How many snails does it take to screw in a lightbulb? I don’t have a joke, I’m just hoping this will be enough.

    Adores: 3
    • 2013 June 17
      HamCan permalink

      The real question is how did they get in there?

      Adores: 8
      • 2013 June 17

        Very slowly.

        Adores: 6
        • 2013 June 17

          …and slime-illy (it’s a word now)

          Adores: 2
        • 2013 June 17
          Brer Fox permalink

          Little known fact*

          If you add Slo gin to your store bought salsa, you get Snail’s Pace.

          * might have actually been an EscarFox.

          Adores: 6
        • 2013 June 17
          Brer Fox permalink

          …and slime-illy (it’s a word now)

          Sly Milly is my 2nd cousin, 3rd removed. Always pulling my tail.

          Adores: 2
  18. 2013 June 17
    One Moving Violation permalink

    The S.S. Escargot

    As I walked along the Mollusk Road
    I happened there to see.
    A fellow traveler, such a toad.
    As ugly as could be.

    He was leaving Escargot Park.
    As I was going in.
    “Don’t be in there after dark.”
    He said with toothless grin.

    “Wherefore thus this warning give?”
    (I tried to be a poet.)
    “The things I’ve seen that should not live.
    Be sure you do not blow it.”

    “I was a prince, a handsome guy
    before I went in there.
    But at the shore, as I stood by,
    I lost most of my hair.”

    “On down the beach, there was a ship
    T’was tied up to the docks.
    The name I whispered from my lips.
    “The Whiskey On The Rocks.”

    A thousand snails upon the bow
    were humming near a fire.
    No harmony, I hear it now.
    The Tad Barnacle Choir.

    My skin turned green and wrinkled too.
    My hands turned cold and clammy.
    With dread I thought, “What could I do?”
    I screamed out for my yammy.

    I tried to run, I slipped and fell.
    My skin was feeling moister.
    I hopped right up, began to yell.
    “This world is not my oyster!”

    Now I’m here, I have been hexed
    by a thousand escargot.
    The barnacles that made me vexed.
    I thought that you should know.

    I believe that there is just one thing
    to stop this awful curse.
    To join the gerberts in the spring.
    and end this wayward verse.

    Adores: 2
  19. 2013 June 17
    mudslicker permalink

    Barely Used Snails is IF’s Nine Inch Nails cover band.

    Adores: 1
  20. 2013 June 17
    One Moving Violation permalink

    Barely Used Snails is the Atlantis Maritime Covert Ops rogue band.

    Adores: 1
  21. 2013 June 17
    Not-a-[censored] Lion permalink

    Barely used Snails go SPLAT when you hit them with a hammer because they’re slightly bent from being used. So if you need snails to build anything, buy new.

    Adores: 2
  22. 2013 June 17
    MissMommyNiceNice permalink

    Really loud obnoxious guy at bar voice:

    And then she said I could mollusk her all I wanted, so I ordered the escargot!

    Adores: 1
  23. 2013 June 17
    SpaceBug permalink

    ::BING::
    You’ve Got Snail

    Adores: 4
  24. 2013 June 17
    DigitalAxis permalink

    How, exactly, does one use a snail, anyway?

    I ask, because I have an immaculately pleated copy of Microsoft Publisher I’d like to sell.

    Adores: 1
  25. 2013 June 17
    Windrose permalink

    *sniff* You all make me proud. She sells sea snails by the sea horse.

    Adores: 1
  26. 2013 June 17
    Ralph permalink

    I prefer fast food.

    Adores: 4
  27. 2013 June 17

    “Barely Used Snails” is IF’s “Fish Called Wanda” shadowcast he’s producing. Hootie and company play the main roles, and Phish does the prop work.

    Adores: 2
  28. 2013 June 17
    Dr. Lugosi permalink

    Barely used Snails is my Flock of Seagulls cover band. If we don’t get that next gig, I’ll feel like a total snailure.

    Adores: 5
  29. 2013 June 18
    Ralph permalink

    So the snails are being given away for free? It’s nice to know some people aren’t shellfish.

    Adores: 3
    • 2013 June 19
      One Moving Violation permalink

      He’ll only ship them Snail Mail.

      Adores: 0
  30. 2013 June 18

    Hello? Is this thing on? ghostie, I hope everyone listened to your recording! Awesome is thy name. Punchity Punch Punch!

    Good Morning, Filippo Bonanni!

    Adores: 1

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.