YSaC, Vol. 1555: Tool for Cats

2013 July 12

Customized Cat Box


Hello, and thank you for taking the time to check out my ad!

I am looking for someone to make a totally custom made cat litter box for my cat Princess Puss.

I am willing to pay $50-200 depending on how happy I am with it, and the quality of your work. If you just take a giant storage container, cut a hole in it, and paint it pink, then don’t expect anything. I expect QUALITY work.

Also, please be prepared to give me at least 3 PROFESSIONAL references (NOT friends and family!!!) as well as to possibly bring/show some samples of your work.

You may use whatever materials you desire, as long as it can be totally broken down and every single piece can withstand a regular thorough scrubbing. (And of course her scratching, clawing, and etc.)

That being said, I do have an idea of the type of paint job I want her box to have.

I want it to be sort of a fuschia color, w/ some sort of metallic/glittery aspect to it. I also want her name in SCRIPT at the top, along w/ a crown. I also want little kitty paw-prints all over, and maybe some little fishies, birdies, or other “kitty” oriented type stuff.

Oh, and it also needs to have either a little flap or swinging door so she can come in and out and still have her privacy.

And there needs to be a “vent” of some sort in the top, so she doesn’t suffocate while she’s in there.

If you are interested, send me an e-mail with any questions you may have, and a phone number, and I will call you as soon as I can.

Thank you for your time, and have a great day!

True story – I used to share a house with someone who owned a cat named “Sweetie.” As you could probably guess, it was one of the most codependent animals I have ever met. Somehow I’m guessing that “Princess Puss” either a) falls into the same category or b) absolutely despises owner Sparky here.

You want someone who will produce three references and work samples, just so you can deign to pay them $200 to design, build, and paint a custom made disassemble-able cat box. Make that a hideous custom made cat box. Good luck with that.

Tell you what – for $50, I’ll drive you to PetCo to buy a damn cat box and some stickers. For an extra $50, I might even drive you back from PetCo. I’d watch out, though – in the time you’re gone, Princess Puss may have figured out how to poison your vitamin water.

Thanks for the post, Elizabeth!

52 Responses leave one →
  1. 2013 July 12
    CapnMac permalink

    I often wonder what my former customers get up to.

    Then I shake it off and beverage again.

    Adores: 10
  2. 2013 July 12
    Elizabeth permalink

    I submitted this one–I love that this site actually reads our emails/quotes. Dan, I really appreciate you posting.

    I still find this post lol-worthy.

    Adores: 8
    • 2013 July 12

      Elizabeth, we wouldn’t be able to run the site without reader submissions, so thanks for submitting!

      Adores: 4
  3. 2013 July 12

    All this, and ‘Princess’ will still regularly herk up hairballs and bring you half-eaten mice as a token of her undying love.

    Or, possibly as a warning.

    Adores: 13
    • 2013 July 12
      DigitalAxis permalink

      Unlike this squirrel, my love for you will never die.

      Adores: 7
  4. 2013 July 12

    My cats would have preferred something more Bauhaus. Or maybe they wouldn’t have cared, provided that I kept it clean.

    Adores: 6
    • 2013 July 12

      My cat just steals my bedroom when I’m not using it.

      And since I seem to be enjoying sleeping on the couch even though I have nothing holding me to it, this means the cat owns my room until I decide I like my bed again.

      Adores: 2
  5. 2013 July 12

    Day 78: Human still suspects nothing. I have figured out the meaning of the small square of plastic with the numbers. I have managed to push random buttons on the “phone.” Soon I will combine this knowledge and skill, and see how far I can go. I know Bad Horse is still hiring.

    Princess Puss, Demonic Feline Ruler of Apartment 155 for now.

    Adores: 5
  6. 2013 July 12

    So, when providing PROFESSIONAL references for a custom cat box designing gig, am I expected to disclose how much I paid them?

    Adores: 3
    • 2013 July 12

      Do cats count as references?

      Adores: 9
    • 2013 July 12
      Windrose permalink

      Long time no see in the lounge, Slash! Er, I mean, and or!

      Adores: 2
  7. 2013 July 12

    I expect QUALITY work.

    *Snooty upper-classman, places monocle on eye*

    Only the most prrristine of litter containers may grrrace my noble feline’s posterrrior.

    *coughhack, monocle falls out*

    Somebody slap me if I ever do that again without permission.

    Adores: 6
    • 2013 July 12

      It should have a Mercedes, a sauna, a swimming pool, and room for a pony. The cat bowls should be Royal Doulton with hand-painted periwinkles, £40 each and irreplaceable.

      Adores: 5
      • 2013 July 12

        And the mercedes must be tricked out and also a Transformer. Oh, and the cat bed included must be pure satin, with feather pillows and a 72″ plasma screen high-def TV with DVR and Netflix.

        Basic necessities, you know.

        Adores: 5
        • 2013 July 12

          To hell with the cat, I want that.

          Adores: 6
        • 2013 July 12

          Hark! Is that the sound of very angry growling and a grindstone across claws I hear?

          Adores: 2
    • 2013 July 12
      CapnMac permalink

      Y’know, Spark’ never specifed a size .
      **Ponders using MakerBot to whip up a 2-3 mm sample litter box and dun for RP design fees . . . ***

      Adores: 1
  8. 2013 July 12

    All of a sudden I feel a little less crazy for having build a custom climbing tower for my cats. At least it’s not glittery or covered in paw prints and little fishies. (There are some yellow stars, though.)

    Adores: 8
    • 2013 July 12

      Cats – making their human captors look crazy since time began!

      Adores: 6
    • 2013 July 12
      Irregular Fractal permalink

      I made an 8′ modular one for the previous generation of my cats back in the day. When one has surplus from a new carpet job, it’s just too tempting.

      Adores: 1
      • 2013 July 12

        Mine’s made from an old base cabinet, an over-the-sink cabinet turned upside down, various drawers from the Habitat store, and several yards of burlap. I haven’t measured it, but it’s nearly to the ceiling so it is probably a good ten feet tall and about four feet wide.

        Adores: 1
  9. 2013 July 12

    Screw this person. I’ll pay whoever builds that contraption $250 to kill it with fire.

    $300 if they record the destruction and cut me a DVD so I can watch it burn at my leisure.

    Adores: 6
    • 2013 July 12

      If I jury rig a minigun flamethrower, do I get a bonus cut?

      Mainly for the inevitable hospital bill?

      Adores: 3
      • 2013 July 12
        nojazzhere permalink

        SC…can you rig the flamethrower to come on when the cat enters the box??? That would be AWESOME!!!!!!……sorry guys, I like dogs… cats are,well,like,you know,.. evil….

        Adores: 3
        • 2013 July 12

          Gonna need more time for the wiring required to rig a timed system of activation.

          Does anybody else hear the DRD beating on my do-

          *Assaulted by red pens*

          Adores: 2
  10. 2013 July 12
    HamCan permalink

    *Cuts a hole in a large can of almond roca*

    Done!
    And wait there’s more!
    It magically converts kitty “gifts” to candy!

    Adores: 6
    • 2013 July 12
      Windrose permalink

      Hammy, you have been such a bad puppy this week! 8) I like that!

      Adores: 2
  11. 2013 July 12

    Elizabeth, did you notice the other ad this woman posted?

    “I am looking for someone to build a totally custom made toilet for myself, the Right Honourable Lady Snootington Uppercrust.

    “I am willing to pay $5,000 – $20,000 depending on how happy I am with it. If you just buy a regular display toilet from Home Depot and paint it pink, then don’t expect anything.

    “You may use whatever materials you desire, as long as it can be easily and thoroughly scrubbed by my servants, none of whom have names, or if they have I am certainly not aware of it.

    “The toilet should include a crown or tiara that automatically lowers onto my exquisite head when I sit down to use it. Also the toilet should be capable of automatically wiping my prissy little ass, since I had to fire the servant originally responsible when she dared make eye contact with me.

    “I would like the seat where my distinguished tuchus will rest to be made of solid gold, or gold-plated, or at the very least painted gold with some kind of sparkles or glitter. If you use solid gold, please ensure that the seat is not too heavy to be lifted for use by my husband, the Right Honourable Lord Reginald Fauntleroy Moneygrub Tightwad Uppercrust the Third.”

    Adores: 8
    • 2013 July 12

      I know I said that I should be slapped if I channeled my inner snoot, but you have just raised the bar, good TC.

      Adores: 3
    • 2013 July 12
      DigitalAxis permalink

      What, there’s no auto-raising system for the toilet seat? Surely one could create a sensor system for the doorway that judges the height of the person entering the bathroom, and raises and lowers the seat accordingly.

      Adores: 3
  12. 2013 July 12
    DigitalAxis permalink

    Hello, and thank you for taking the time to check out my ad!

    No, thank YOU. I’m gratified that I finally found something more worthwhile to do than work on my cure for Leukemia.

    I am looking for someone to make a totally custom made cat litter box for my cat Princess Puss.

    Sure, what’s her name? Also- how custom does this need to be? Do I need to start growing some custom trees to make the wood? Or do I need to request some time on the particle accelerator to make you some new atoms for your polymers?

    I am willing to pay $50-200 depending on how happy I am with it, and the quality of your work. If you just take a giant storage container, cut a hole in it, and paint it pink, then don’t expect anything. I expect QUALITY work.

    What if I paint it blue, would that be acceptable?

    Also, please be prepared to give me at least 3 PROFESSIONAL references (NOT friends and family!!!) as well as to possibly bring/show some samples of your work.

    My references for cat house design are all cats. Would a recording of them purring be sufficient?

    You may use whatever materials you desire, as long as it can be totally broken down and every single piece can withstand a regular thorough scrubbing. (And of course her scratching, clawing, and etc.)

    Poison Oak with plutonium fittings it is! It will be able to withstand all the scratching she’ll survive to make.

    That being said, I do have an idea of the type of paint job I want her box to have.

    I want it to be sort of a fuschia color, w/ some sort of metallic/glittery aspect to it. I also want her name in SCRIPT at the top, along w/ a crown. I also want little kitty paw-prints all over, and maybe some little fishies, birdies, or other “kitty” oriented type stuff.

    (INT: A CAT HOUSE. PRINCESS PUSS IS WITHIN)

    Oh, and it also needs to have either a little flap or swinging door so she can come in and out and still have her privacy.

    And there needs to be a “vent” of some sort in the top, so she doesn’t suffocate while she’s in there.

    Ah, I was planning on giving it an airtight seal so it could be launched into space, or perform Schrodinger’s Cat experiments. It’s good you told me that.

    If you are interested, send me an e-mail with any questions you may have, and a phone number, and I will call you as soon as I can.

    I have just one question: You are aware that this is a cat, right? The animal that spends 18 hours a day sleeping, 3 hours a day licking itself, 3 hours eating, and 3 hours staring off into space or careening into furniture at high speeds for no discernable reason? The animal who navigates mostly by smell and not by sight? The animal that could be perfectly happy with (and, given the right personality, might actually prefer) a cardboard box, a little pillow, and a bit of catnip in an out-of-the-way place?

    Thank you for your time, and have a great day!

    Don’t thank me, thank whomever’s going to decorate the rest of your house to match the catbox.

    Adores: 7
  13. 2013 July 12
    Bombdude permalink

    “Fuchsia?!?! I got something fuchsia for you! Princess Puss is not amused!

    Adores: 2
    • 2013 July 12

      Fuschia? I barely know ya!

      I’ll just go lock myself in the shame closet, now.

      Adores: 2
    • 2013 July 12

      Princess Puss looks like she is wearing Uggs.

      Adores: 2
  14. 2013 July 12
    limelolly permalink

    This lady is nuts… where’s the holder for the wipes? Now how is Princess Puss going to have a clean and shiny butt?

    Adores: 2
    • 2013 July 12

      Man, some pet owners just do not care for their pets very well at all.

      [/massive context-appropriate hypocrisy]

      Adores: 3
    • 2013 July 12

      Wanted – Customized Cat Box Attendant

      Hello, and thank you for taking the time to check out my ad!

      I am looking for someone to become a totally custom cat litter box attendant for my cat Princess Puss.

      I am willing to pay $5 – 10 depending on how happy I am with you, and the quality of your work. If you just stand outside the box, then don’t expect anything. I expect QUALITY work.

      Also, please be prepared to give me at least 3 PROFESSIONAL references (NOT friends and family!!!) as well as to possibly show some examples of your work.

      You must be able to withstand being totally broken down and be willing to endure a regular thorough scrubbing. And of course you must tolerate her scratching, clawing, and etc. (My little sweetie pie is a biter.)

      That being said, I do have an idea of the type of uniform I want you to have.

      I want it to be sort of a fuschia color, w/ some sort of metallic/glittery aspect to it. I also want her name bedazzled in SCRIPT on the back, along w/ a crown. I also want little kitty paw-prints all over, and maybe some little fishies, birdies, or other “kitty” oriented type stuff.

      Oh, and it also needs to have either epaulettes or loads of fringe so she can be entertained while you attend to her needs.

      And there needs to be a “hat” or “veil” of some sort on top, so she doesn’t have to look at you and feel embarrassed while she’s in there.

      If you are interested, send me an e-mail with any questions you may have, a photo or sketch of your uniform, and a phone number, and I will call you as soon as I can.

      Thank you for your time, and have a great day!

      Adores: 2
  15. 2013 July 12
    Serena permalink

    On the plus side, at least everything is spelled correctly! o_O

    Adores: 2
  16. 2013 July 12
    Irregular Fractal permalink

    Shopping list:
    -Styrofoam
    -Pink spray paint
    -Broken Corona bottle from parking lot (+ my Blendtec blender = the glitter)
    -One of the Cake Wrecks decorators to handle the personalizing

    There, done.

    Adores: 3
    • 2013 July 12

      I seem to recall from my youth that Styrofoam plus spray paint usually equals a melted puddle of goo.

      Adores: 1
      • 2013 July 12

        A bit chilly in the Lounge this afternoon.

        Adores: 0
        • 2013 July 12
          Windrose permalink

          I’m so impressed with your designer quilt collection!

          Adores: 0
  17. 2013 July 12
    CapnMac permalink

    Ok, this has been nagging at me, off and on, the whole morning.
    See, I’ve more than a little bit of experience in this being a “designer” (to include some consumer product design, too).
    So, the question of just what sorts of professional cat litter box designer are “out there” catches my attention.
    And, just how likely is it rhat Phil Glass or Jon Phillip Davis are reading the Podunk CL listings?

    Sadly, I am all too familiar with this sort of design client.
    What this one wants is a $500 (!?) cat litterbox that only costs $50. They put that $200 in there as no one would answer the ad without it–but they have no intention of paying that much. In fact, they’d really prefer to pay $40–even if it costs $250 to make.
    It’s frustrating to work with, whether the product is a catbox, a mansion, or an office building. Particularly when you discover that they are fine with hanging a Picasso from the wall with thumbtacks . . .

    Adores: 1
  18. 2013 July 12
    andy permalink

    Of course there’s the crazy-cat-owner aspect, but the part of this ad that I find most interesting is the concept of variable payment depending on how happy the recipient is with the quality of the work. Imagine if you were to apply this concept to other transactions!
    “Oh, I know the menu says the steak dinner is $18.99, but I just wasn’t all that happy with it. Here’s $1.68.”
    “Your nightly rate may be $139, but the quality of the hotel just wasn’t quite up to my expectations. Therefore I’m paying $29.”
    “I didn’t enjoy this movie. I expect a refund!”
    I’m going to save so much money! Thanks, Crazy Cat Sparky!

    Adores: 2
  19. 2013 July 12
    tigprincess permalink

    Where I come from cats use the next-door gardens as their ‘litter boxes’. Some may choose to shit under fuschia bushes, others don’t. I suggest we send a YSaC top team to xxxx, kidnap Princess Puss and demand a $200 + ransom. To hell with making a custom built pace for a cat …..

    Adores: 1
  20. 2013 July 12
    tigprincess permalink

    Yup -two comments on one post. Anyone else think pron for

    ” I do have an idea of the type of paint job I want her box to have.

    I want it to be sort of a fuschia color, w/ some sort of metallic/glittery aspect to it. I also want her name in SCRIPT at the top, along w/ a crown. I also want little kitty paw-prints all over, and maybe some little fishies, birdies, or other “kitty” oriented type stuff.

    Oh, and it also needs to have a little flap”

    Certainly would challenge a bedazzler!

    Just me then …… corner?

    Adores: 3
    • 2013 July 12
      LurkRealClose permalink

      It was just you, now I’m getting some disturbing images.

      Adores: 1
  21. 2013 July 12
    SilvaNoir permalink

    Fer crissakes, it’s a box for your cat to poop in. Why make it all glittery and junk? I don’t throw confetti when my dog poops in the bushes.

    Adores: 1
    • 2013 July 12

      Other than that one memorable holiday season when Fearless got ahold of some tinsel, my litter boxes have been quite utilitarian and I’ve never had any complaints.

      Adores: 3
  22. 2013 July 12
    mudslicker permalink

    Reality Check: This is a box for pooping and peeing. It’s not Game of Thrones.

    Adores: 3
  23. 2013 July 13

    Hammy, go show those cats how it’s done, out in the yard! Punchity Punch Punch!

    Good Morning, Squeeze Cats!

    Adores: 2

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