YSaC, Vol. 1584: Gastropussy.

2013 August 22

Mystery Snails


Tons of baby snails – about 60 or so. Take 1 or take 20. Please, take them all!!

DOES NOT COME WITH TANK

The real mystery of these snails is how 60 of them can weigh 4000+ pounds. Are they made out of tungsten?

Actually, I’m imagining this slightly differently. Think of it this way instead: International Snails of Mystery! They fight crime, woo women, wear tiny little tuxedos, have very, very slow car chases, and leave slimy trails of destruction in their wake. But they do not have their own Panzer.

Thanks, Camille!

32 Responses leave one →
  1. 2013 August 22

    Mystery snails.
    Are you ready for your mystery snails?
    Watch their tails leave slimy trails.
    Open the tank for your mystery snails.

    Adores: 6
  2. 2013 August 22

    Well, the snail’s owner clearly lives in a pineapple under the sea. So the snail itself must be Gary. Mystery solved.

    Adores: 5
  3. 2013 August 22

    Assignment: Create a joke with today’s post using this punch line:

    Look at that S Car Go!

    Adores: 3
    • 2013 August 22
      limelolly permalink

      I would, but there is no more garlic butter.

      Adores: 3
    • 2013 August 22

      We have had quite the snail fest around here recently, haven’t we?

      Adores: 4
    • 2013 August 22
      nojazzhere permalink

      Knock! Knock!
      Who’s there?
      Craptacular.
      Craptacular who?
      Craptacular engage the…oh, wow!!! look at that S car go!!!!!!!

      Adores: 6
    • 2013 August 22
      Kaziganthi permalink

      It’s a glacier, it’s a city road project! No it’s the Mystery Snails!
      Wow! Look at that S Car Go!

      Adores: 2
  4. 2013 August 22

    Bob is sick of these door-to-door snailsmen.

    Adores: 7
  5. 2013 August 22
    camille permalink

    Your big snail was pregnant.

    There, solved the mystery for you.

    Adores: 4
    • 2013 August 22

      According to the Interwebz;

      Mystery snails lay their eggs above the water line. The eggs take 2–4 weeks to hatch. The snails can have as many as two-hundred offspring from one egg-laying event.

      These must be exceptionally slutty snails if they managed to lay enough eggs to produce one ton of offspring.

      Adores: 3
      • 2013 August 22
        Demon Duck of Doom permalink

        That’s enough roe to make sandwich spread for an army, but you’ll need….

        One ton of mayo,
        Or nearly one ton of mayo,
        One ton of maaaayyyyyyoooooo,
        Go get your one ton of mayo…*

        *My deepest apologies. Yo soy un hombre sincero.**

        **this may not actually be true.

        Adores: 2
      • 2013 August 22
        MissMommyNiceNice permalink

        Corey cred! ^^^

        Adores: 1
  6. 2013 August 22
    One Moving Violation permalink

    DOES NOT COME WITH TANK

    Bummer. I thought I finally found a way to get my marbles back.

    Adores: 1
  7. 2013 August 22
    One Moving Violation permalink

    Tons of baby snails – about 60 or so. Take 1 or take 20. Please, take them all!!

    Tons- plural, means at least two. So each snail is at least 66 lbs. I’m afraid I couldn’t possibly take even one. They must get smaller as they get older.

    Edit: Ooh, I missed the comment by DRMK(BBUH) above.

    Adores: 1
  8. 2013 August 22
    One Moving Violation permalink

    MYSTERY SNAIL THEATRE 3000

    T Servo: Hey look, the snails work in an office.
    Crow: Must be the DMV.
    T Servo: How many snails does it take to push that snail mail cart around.
    Crow: Tons. I got stuck behind one in the candy isle at the store.

    Adores: 5
    • 2013 August 22
      nojazzhere permalink

      OMV…you forgot the punchline…..”look at that S Car Go!!!” There..took care of it for ya….you’re welcome.

      Adores: 2
  9. 2013 August 22
    Demon Duck of Doom permalink

    To Corey or not to Corey, that is the question….

    Nah, have fun with it. Uncle Google will wait.

    Adores: 3
    • 2013 August 22

      I shall bite the Corey bullet!

      [snail corey]Mystery snails are a real thing, Wikipedia says so

      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mystery_snail

      You can find them at most aquarium shops, although all the ones I’ve seen weigh significantly less than a ton. I may not be going to the right shops.[/snail corey]

      Adores: 1
      • 2013 August 22
        Brer Fox permalink

        [corey]Snails are slimey little beggars that like to hang out in hard, crunchy shells. Gender differences in snails yield different speeds. One would think that snail males would be faster than snail shemales because snail shemales tend to take a whole lot longer to get ready. But because of Gastropodal regulations on container conditions, shells with slime on them are now suspected to be possible explosive devices. After the bomb squid inspection and submerging in water, snail males take longer to get ready than snail shemales. This condition has produced a new phenomenon. Snail shemales’ nagging has increased exponentially, causing snail males to attempt suicide. However, due to the sticky nature of snail males, they just tend to slide down the cliffs they try to jump off.[/corey]

        Wow! Look at that S Car Go! Er, I mean Look at that snail male go!

        Adores: 1
  10. 2013 August 22
    Ralph permalink

    Tons of Snails opened for Phish.

    Adores: 1
  11. 2013 August 22
    Tons O' Snails permalink

    Yes, I said tons of snails.
    These 60 select snails are available immediately for rehoming.
    Shipped direct via the Nautilus to stay fresh.
    Contact Prendick,
    H.G. Wells Way
    Moreau’s Island

    Adores: 2
  12. 2013 August 22
    DigitalAxis permalink

    DOES NOT COME WITH TANK

    Does, however, come with artillery.

    Adores: 3
  13. 2013 August 22
    One Moving Violation permalink

    Shell out!
    Shell out for the mystery snails
    Shell out!
    Shell out for the mystery snails

    The magical mystery snails
    I wish you would take them away.
    Wish you would take them away.
    Call me today.

    Adores: 5
  14. 2013 August 22
    One Moving Violation permalink

    My grandmother sent me a newspaper clipping about a bear attack. There was a tour/ outing bus taking some senior citizens up to the Ruby River Resevoir a ways outside of Butte MT. They were travelling on a gravel road about 5 miles from the reservoir. The trees were cut back from the road about 50 feet. Someone on the bus saw a woman run from the tree line. The person made it known to everyone else on the bus as a bear came out of the tree line behind the woman. The driver stopped the bus and the woman ran up to the door of the bus and pounded on the door, screaming to let her in. The driver refused to open the door and the bear grabbed the woman and dragged her off into the tree line. The senior citizens were furious at the bus driver for not opening the door and they told the fish and game officers all about what had happened. When the officers questioned the driver as to why he would not open the door, The driver claimed it was against regulations. The officer asked, “What do you mean?” Then the driver pulled out his regulation handbook, opened it and showed the officer, “See, it says right here, I am not allowed to let a woman on the bus with a bare behind. Wow, look at that S Car Go!”

    Did I win?

    Adores: 3
    • 2013 August 22
      zero.nada.none. permalink

      you got my vote!!!!!! But I gotta know…what happened to the woman? Did she sit in the bear’s chair, eat the bear’s porridge, and sleep in the bear’s bed? Or did she witness the wild bear pooping in the woods? Inquiring minds want to know…..

      Adores: 2
  15. 2013 August 22
    Meg permalink

    What did the snail riding on the back of a turtle say?
    Weeeeeeee!
    What did the non-riding snail say?
    Look at that S Car Go!

    Adores: 3
    • 2013 August 22
      Brer Fox permalink

      What is the velocity of an unladen snail?

      What do you mean? African or European?

      Adores: 0
  16. 2013 August 23

    C””J, Don’t get too comfortable! We may have to spray the box for snail infestation! Punchity Punch Punch!

    Good Morning, Panzerkampfwagen!

    Adores: 0

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.