YSaC, Vol. 1619: Hey, it works okay for the Green Lantern.

2013 October 28

CANINE SEXUAL ORIENTATION REVERSAL


IT’s NO JOKE

Breeders lose $100,000,00 EVERY YEAR to homosexual chattel.
More proof that homosexuality is JUST PLAIN WRONG.

But you (WE!) can make a difference. Come join our winning team and REVOLUTIONIZE your customers’ profits by bending Rover’s gender bak to HEROSEXUAL.
Back into God’s Graces and $$$ Back in our client’s pockets. like God intended.

Now training is mostly humane.

[name], Owner, Free Thinker, Christian

Dear Owner, Free Thinker, and Christian;

I am interested in learning more about your mostly humane treatment to turn Rover into a Herosexual. I have often looked at Rover and thought to myself: Self, I wish Rover was more of a hero. I wish he could leap tall buildings in a single bound. I wish he could shoot a web out of his wrists. I wish he could impregnate hundreds of Roverettes just by winking at them, like David Cassidy or Donald Trump.

Yes, that’s right. I’m holding out for a Herosexual. He’s gotta be strong, and he’s gotta be fast, and he’s gotta be fresh from the vet’s office.

Thanks, Lindsay.

*Note: The ad mentioned a specific veterinary hospital. Despite the “IT’s NO JOKE” in the text of the ad, I *have* to believe it is, in fact, a joke, in order for me to continue living in this world.

42 Responses leave one →
  1. 2013 October 28

    Mostly Humane is my Death Cab for Cutie tribute band.

    Herosexual sounds dangerous.

    I think my dog is just bisexual. He likes cats, too.

    Adores: 10
    • 2013 October 28
      CapnMac permalink

      Does suggest a rather unnatural fondness for a certain kind of sammich, yes . . .

      Adores: 3
      • 2013 October 28
        CapnMac permalink

        All of which suggest a lead-up to ribaldry involving reparté like “That’s no Gyro, tha’s a Hoagie!” Or, “Y’know, in Groton*, they calls that a ‘sub’ . . . ”

        __________________________________
        *This is rendered, in Connecticut fashion, as “Ghra t’n” which offers a culinary pun of writing it as “gratin” and cheesing the torta a bit.

        Except that all of the above is a bit “tinny” and not at all woody.

        Adores: 1
        • 2013 October 28

          I’m sorry, I saw “woodie”, and for some stupid reason thought of applewood-smoked bacon. Which led me to think of a BLT, somehow.

          (Look, it’s a quarter to seven where I am, and I’m hungry. I can’t help myself.)

          Adores: 4
        • 2013 October 28
          CapnMac permalink

          Nothing wrong with a BLT–as long as it does not have an Spam on it [g]).

          For woody and tinny, see: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-gwXJsWHupg

          Adores: 2
  2. 2013 October 28
    Ralph permalink

    All your gays are belong to us!

    Adores: 5
    • 2013 October 28
      Tankerbell permalink

      This.is.awesome. Tonight I’m gonna go home and say to Mr. Tank, “hey, bebbe, wanna party like a coupla gay bonobos?”

      Adores: 2
    • 2013 October 28
      Demon Duck of Doom permalink

      Not only is it common for male dogs to mount other males to demonstrate dominance, females will do the same thing. I recall seeing our female dog mount and hump her own son, and neither seemed to feel the need for therapy afterwards.

      Adores: 5
  3. 2013 October 28

    bending Rover’s gender bak to HEROSEXUAL

    Isn’t it enough that some of my Facebook friends have a superhero fetish? Now Sparky wants our dogs to have one, too?

    Adores: 2
    • 2013 October 28

      I’m Batdog!

      Adores: 11
      • 2013 October 28

        Oh, damn it. I wish I’d remembered about BatDog.

        Adores: 3
        • 2013 October 28
          nojazzhere permalink

          Is it just coincidence that Lou Reed was mentioned here a few days ago, and now he’s
          gone? All I know is I’m going to be more careful in the future.

          ………RIP………

          p.s. I’m sure we’re all glad that canine sexual orientation training is “mostly” humane.

          Adores: 4
        • 2013 October 28
          CapnMac permalink

          To suggest a finer point than Spark’ merits–ought not canine sexuality reassignment be “mostly canine”?
          I mean really, is Lassie going to much care is Timmy & Jimmy are stuck in down the well?
          I mean, really, putting Spuds MacKenzie through the Ludovico Technique, will the putative Rin Tin Tin really not be able to appreciate Ludvig von?

          Adores: 0
        • 2013 October 28
          Windrose permalink

          Jazzie, I’m almost certain it was a coincidence. All the evidence mostly points to it not being entirely your fault. And if it goes against you, I’ll take up a collection for your bail. I got *checks pockets* three cherry cough drops and a used. . . well, never mind. I’m sure everyone will chip in.

          Adores: 4
        • 2013 October 28
          Tankerbell permalink

          But just in case, Jazzie, could you please mention Justin Beiber, Kanye West, and the entire Kardashian family?

          Adores: 10
        • 2013 October 28
          Bombdude permalink

          Maybe Batdog can team up with Rex and they can remake the Ambiguously Gay Duo.

          Adores: 3
        • 2013 October 28
          nojazzhere permalink

          Justin Bieber, Kanye West, and the entire Kardashian family.

          There….done.done.and done.

          Adores: 8
  4. 2013 October 28

    The Westboro Baptist Church starts an animal charity. But their commercials don’t make me cry like the Sarah MacLachlan ones.

    Adores: 2
  5. 2013 October 28
    MissMommyNiceNice permalink

    Herosexual is the name of my soon to be released cosplay Marvel Mashup Furry “art film” …. all I need is 1000 condoms, a sexy table, batdog, a taco costume, and a life- sized black Spiderman doll to carpool to the set. Get me the gerberts on the phone, ASAP!

    Adores: 7
    • 2013 October 28

      Not sure about the taco costume, but I’m more than certain Taco could donate his thong.

      The question now: do we want him to?

      Adores: 6
      • 2013 October 28
        Windrose permalink

        EXCELLENT Question, SC. Think, everyone, before you answer. Visualize whirled peas. . .

        Adores: 4
        • 2013 October 28

          I’m visualizing this look on my face:

          D^8)

          Adores: 5
  6. 2013 October 28
    mudslicker permalink

    Make him more like Rin Tin Tin rather than Rin Tin Tina!!

    Adores: 5
  7. 2013 October 28

    Personally, I think most Bond villains are secretly herosexual. Why do you think they keep causing trouble enough to cause the hero to beat their asses up?

    What? World domination? Money?

    Pfft, Marvel’s a bunch of dumbasses…

    Adores: 7
  8. 2013 October 28
    camille permalink

    It’s not the dogs’ fault; they’ve been confused ever since they found out that Lassie was played by a boy dog.

    Adores: 16
  9. 2013 October 28

    As a Christian, I really want to dissect this guy’s argument. But I just can’t get past the fallacious reasoning that it was ever God’s intention for breeders to make hundreds of thousands of dollars per year (or millions, depending on which is the typo – a comma instead of a period for a decimal place or a missing zero at the end of a hundred million) from the sale of pet breeds that are not natural to the animal kingdom.

    Of course I also can’t help but stop and think 1) dogs show dominance over other dogs by mounting, regardless of gender, which fundamentalist nuts could see as homosexual behavior; and 2) if the professionals at a veterinary clinic see this as homosexual behavior, I want nothing to do with that clinic.

    I sure wish I could come here and not over-think or try to analyze the content of the posts we mock. I’m sure some philosopher somewhere, be they exceptional or mediocre, made a statement about trying to rationalize the irrational or trying to reason with a fool or some such rot, but for the life of me all I can think of is Big Gay Al’s Big Gay Animal Sanctuary. Once again, South Park comes to the rescue.

    Adores: 10
    • 2013 October 28
      Tankerbell permalink

      Commercial opens to show one male dog, wearing a cape and tights, mounting another male dog, who says, “We’re SUPER, thanks for asking!”

      Cut to a montage of scenes where dogs of all breeds and genders (don’t forget the trans dogs) enjoy staging Broadway shows, ice skating, an all-bitch competitive swimming and softball league, fashion design classes, and the most impeccably decorated kennels EVER. Every dog is wearing a cape, tights, or some kind of insignia on its chest.

      Nathan Lane voiceover: Here at Big Gay Al’s Big Gay Animal Sanctuary, we loooove to make new friends. If you have a dog who is not meeting your standard of sexual behavior, bring him or her to us. And then please refrain from breeding others like yourself. We’ll do the rest. And don’t you worry your narrow little head about Rover. Every dog here at Big Gay Al’s Big Gay Animal Sanctuary is Herosexual. On Tuesdays. But we also have ballerina day, firefighter week, leather Thursdays, and, of course,
      EVERY day here at Big Gay Al’s is furry day!

      Adores: 9
      • 2013 October 28

        Gay + Furry….I will not Google this. I will not Google this. I will not Google this.

        Adores: 6
  10. 2013 October 28

    This must not be a thing.

    This must not be a thing.

    This must not be a thing.

    This must not be a thing.

    Adores: 12
  11. 2013 October 28
    Demon Duck of Doom permalink

    Will they guarantee that only legs of the opposite gender will be humped?

    Adores: 2
  12. 2013 October 28
    One Moving Violation permalink

    genus homo = human (great apes)
    genus canis = dog (wolves too)
    Canissexual? Just saying.

    Heterosexual (different, other) would still be correct though.
    Other gender, different species, other object( your leg, etc.)

    Adores: 3
  13. 2013 October 28
    SilvaNoir permalink

    Herosexual dogs…. so dogs that are only attracted to Krypto the Superdog, Ace the Bathound, Underdog, and Dynomutt?

    Adores: 1
    • 2013 October 28
      Ralph permalink

      You forgot Mighty Manfred (geezer reference.)

      Adores: 1
      • 2013 October 29
        Kaziganthi permalink

        And Hong Kong Phooey!

        Adores: 3
        • 2013 October 29
          SilvaNoir permalink

          Never heard of Mighty Manfred (sorry) but can’t believe I forgot Hong Kong Phooey!

          Ah, my youth in the 80’s spent watching cartoon reruns.

          Adores: 0
  14. 2013 October 29

    TC and Jazzie, I know you want to go to Lou Reed’s memorial, so here’s your Punchity Punch Punch!

    Good Morning, Herosexuals Anonymous!

    Adores: 1
  15. 2013 October 29

    Today’s Literary Interlude:

    http://www.amazon.com/Werewolf-Librarian-Volume-Erin-Rambeau/dp/1466384085

    Adores: 0
    • 2013 October 29
      nojazzhere permalink

      Now then, Camille…was Lassie “played” by a boy dog?…..or was Lassie “portrayed” by a boy dog?….. I think you “Ladies” out there know what I mean….a lot of them bitches needs them a man.

      Adores: 4
    • 2013 October 29
      Supreme Ruler permalink

      Geez, Windy. Not even a mention that the grammatical errors start right in the title?

      Adores: 1
    • 2013 October 29
      SilvaNoir permalink

      Just like Twilight, I start out thinking that it’s OK writing and themes for a 14 year old but then realize a grown woman published it and am a little sad for humanity. The concept would have made a good spoof fantasy novel in the hands of a more skilled author.

      Though maybe I shouldn’t judge as I decided to rehash a story I wrote in highschool with vampires and fairies and made it into a comic (that I never finished. *cough*).

      Adores: 1
  16. 2013 November 15
    Rabbit Roulette permalink

    One thing I run into that really drives me nuts when selling dog clothes: “I can’t get a PINK coat for my boy dog. He would be embarrassed.” Um, dogs can’t see color. How would he know the difference? I personally don’t care what color something is, if it is cold enough for the dog to need extra protection from the weather.

    Adores: 0

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