YSaC, Vol. 1663: Calamitous, cataclysmic, ruinous, tragic…

2014 February 10

Comfy couch $100


Asking $100 on this super comfy couch. No major rips or tears on couch. Please call ###-###-#### and ask for #######. Thank you.

I would definitely agree that “Major” is not the correct word to describe the rips and or tears in this couch.

Perhaps “catastrophic” would be better.
Or perhaps “disastrous?”
I might even go so far as to invoke “apocalyptic.”

But definitely not simply “major.”

Thanks for the couch, Elisha!

41 Responses leave one →
  1. 2014 February 10
    MissMommyNiceNice permalink

    You’re not very good at arts and crafts are you, Sparky? I’ve seen better taping skills from my 4 year old.

    Adores: 3
  2. 2014 February 10
    MissMommyNiceNice permalink

    Tits aside, I know the perfect table to go with this couch.

    Adores: 3
  3. 2014 February 10

    Oh, that? That’ll wipe off with just a dab of leather lotion.

    Adores: 3
    • 2014 February 10

      It puts the lotion on the sofa…

      Adores: 7
      • 2014 February 10
        Windrose permalink

        Or it gets the tape again.

        Adores: 7
  4. 2014 February 10

    This comfy couch has been used on many a heretic, and it shows. You should see the soft cushions.

    Adores: 1
  5. 2014 February 10
    CapnMac permalink

    “No major rips”? [skeptical expression]
    So, these are Captain, or Lieutenant rips, instead?

    Or, more likely, a collection of burns of every kind, from incense to that entire Lionel Richie cheese head that was tumped over. Oh, and that time the grater was lost and the sofa kept making that noise.

    All of which could have been corrected with vinyl upholstery tape, which would have a vaguely-matching color and matching texture.

    Or is this one of those situations where one applies a throw-rug over the entire assemblagé?

    Adores: 4
    • 2014 February 10
      Dan permalink

      I believe a better choice would be to throw gasoline over the entire assemblage.

      Adores: 8
    • 2014 February 10
      Grumpy Grammy permalink

      No “major” rips but, in “general” majorly ripped.

      Adores: 3
    • 2014 February 10
      One Moving Violation permalink

      No Capn, those are private rips. Not known to the public.

      Adores: 3
      • 2014 February 10
        CapnMac permalink

        PFC-rips, shoot, LCpl-rips, title is not the problem, it’s the corporeality.

        That, and continuing to imagine what sort of combination of fluorescent fauz shag fur rugs were tossed over that, er, furnishing, that the shiny tape remained invisible even after photography.

        But, I’m also recovering (just) from a cluster of concurrent illnesses which involved bad dreams, fevers, and sleep deprivation–I’m just a bit detached from normal-normal right now. (I’m frightened to doze off, lest the Scolari-bauhaus fusion design as built by Iwrin Allen circa 1979 evoke all 7651 floors of its ‘arcology’ at me again, like it did three times sequentially this morning.)

        Adores: 1
  6. 2014 February 10
    MissMommyNiceNice permalink

    Comes with a free Great Dane. Doesn’t chew on anything. Nope, not at all.

    Adores: 5
  7. 2014 February 10
    MissMommyNiceNice permalink

    But does it come with an Ottoman?

    Adores: 2
  8. 2014 February 10

    You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

    Adores: 9
  9. 2014 February 10

    Duct tape is exactly like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it binds the galaxy together.

    Adores: 3
    • 2014 February 10
      nojazzhere permalink

      So THAT’s where my roll of duct tape went…I’ve told you kids to stay out of my stuff!!!!

      Adores: 5
    • 2014 February 10
      Brer Fox permalink

      No!!!! chicken is more like the Force. You know, white meat and dark meat. Duct tape is a pain in the you know what. Especially when it gets stuck to your fur.

      Adores: 1
  10. 2014 February 10
    camille permalink

    This comfy couch is made entirely out of duct tape. When we ran out of duct tape, we filled in with leather, but we don’t think the leather parts detract from the essential ducttapiness of the comfy couch.

    Adores: 13
    • 2014 February 10
      Windrose permalink

      I am going to use “ducttapiness” as many times as possible today. Love it!

      Adores: 1
  11. 2014 February 10
    Brer Fox permalink

    I could have gotten $100 for that? All I got was a week with his dog, Lady!
    I guess I suck at craigslist too.

    Adores: 1
  12. 2014 February 10
    meeshybee permalink

    Y’all are totally missing the point of this ad. You’re only focusing on the one or two flaws. Sure the cushions may have a few minor craters, but THE COUCH has no rips. And I mean, really, so little of that couch is made of cushions…

    …anymore.

    Adores: 1
  13. 2014 February 10
    Yancy permalink

    I wonder which story is more interesting/terrifying – the source of the duct tape-hidden scars or the reason both ends are gone. Probably the second one. I mean what could cause damage so severe that liberal use of duct tape can’t fix?

    Adores: 3
    • 2014 February 10
      CapnMac permalink

      what could cause damage so severe that liberal use of duct tape can’t fix?

      Hmmmm.
      1 unsupervised toddler – or – 1 desperate athlete
      2 toddlers and an unshared shiny thing – or – 2 drunken SB and a Shiney thing
      3 tweens with sports beverages – or – 3 post-athletics & intoxicants
      4 JV athletes w/ more Axe than brains – or – 4 oilfield hands w/ good intentions
      lastly, 5 unsupervised cadets.

      I could probably come up with more, but these are the only one’s I could think of specifically having achieved the standard set.

      Adores: 4
  14. 2014 February 10
    Brer Fox permalink

    No major rips or tears on couch.

    I’m sure you all are misinterpreting Sparky’s use of “rips” and “tears”. You see, Sparky and his buddies have used this comfy couch for years. Sure, they’ve ripped a few and some have even caused their eyes to water. But very few of their tears ever hit the couch. At least not enough to cause water damage. And though they have been letting them rip for years, most of the smell has dissipated (except for what they have sealed into it with the duct tape). I’m sure when you carry it out to your truck to haul it away, it will air out enough to be acceptable to the dump.

    Adores: 7
  15. 2014 February 10
    One Moving Violation permalink

    Those aren’t rips and tears, they’re cuts. This is a dissectional couch. They used duct tape because they didn’t have the proper sutures.

    Adores: 4
  16. 2014 February 10
    Windrose permalink

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G2y8Sx4B2Sk

    Adores: 0
  17. 2014 February 10
    Demon Duck of Doom permalink

    You’re reading it wrong. Of course there are rips and tears IN the couch, but for your own safety, Sparky is advising that no rips or tears be allowed ON the couch. That could reverse the polarity and cause violent and unpredictable disturbances in the space/time continuum. Nobody wants to clean that up.

    Adores: 5
  18. 2014 February 10
    limelolly permalink

    This is not a ripped/torn couch, it’s a cleverly disguised safe for valuable trinkets, cash and pets.

    No, that’s not the exposed springs….the snake sometimes bites if you disturb him.

    Adores: 5
  19. 2014 February 10
    Ralph permalink

    There are no major rips or tears visible. Punctures, burns, abrasions, mastications, and general disintegration of the cheap Chinese pig leather is not mentioned by Sparky. The couch is still super comfy for some.

    Adores: 1
  20. 2014 February 10
    MissMommyNiceNice permalink

    Would you say one would stick to this couch in hot weather? I don’t abide.

    Adores: 2
    • 2014 February 11
      One Moving Violation permalink

      I hope not.

      Adores: 3
  21. 2014 February 10
    MissMommyNiceNice permalink

    The perfect addition to your frat house chic ensemble.*

    *please use frufru French prudential pronunciation

    Adores: 2
    • 2014 February 10

      Sparky must be majoring in Political Sciences.

      Adores: 2
      • 2014 February 10
        MissMommyNiceNice permalink

        What are you saying about political science majors?

        Adores: 1
  22. 2014 February 10
    MissMommyNiceNice permalink

    “I love crack! Will you buy this couch so I can buy crack?!”

    Adores: 4
  23. 2014 February 11
    Ralph permalink

    The photo is proof of the old adage that “There are many ways to skin a couch.”

    Adores: 4
  24. 2014 February 11
    bratty innocence permalink

    This couch has Cat Scratch Fever……

    Adores: 5
  25. 2014 February 11

    They were going for the baked potato wrapped in foil look.

    Adores: 2

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.