YSaC, Vol. 1697: She blinded me with CH3OH

2014 April 30

This was posted in “Biotech/Science Jobs.”

I could use some help


This is not a job listing but please do not flag I really do need some
help.

I am a Doctor of Naturopathy and i have a list of non botanical substances I need for herbal preparations. I don’t know what most of them are nor do i know where to find them so I’m hoping someone serfing this section of craigslist might be able to help me.

obviously because these substances will be used for herbal preparations they must be safe for human consumption. well here is the list let me know if you can help me

Acid sodium phosphate: Na H2 PO4 (monosodium Phosphate)
Alcohol: C2 H5 OH grain alcohol
Almond Oil
Anhydrous lanolin: pure sheep wool fat that contains no water
Benzoic acid: C6 H5 COOH, a whit crystalline organic acid.
Boric acid: H3 BO2 also called boracic acid
Calcium chloride: Ca Cl2, chloride of lime
Calcium hydroxide: Ca (OH)2, slaked lime, made by action of water on calcium oxid
Chloroform: chloric ether
Coumarin: an extract of tonka beans
Disodic phosphate: (Na HPO4)
Disodic sulphate: (Na2, SO4) neutral sodium sulphat
Eucalyptus Oil
Eugenol: an extract of cloves
Flowers of camphor: powdered camphor which has been prepared by sublimation (Refined)
Glycerin(e): C3 H5 (OH)2, made by hydrolysis of fats and oils, a solvent and preservative
Linseed Oil: oil of flax seed
Magnesium silicate: (talc) H2 Mg3 (Si O3)4
Menthol crystals
Oil of cajeput
Oil of copaiba
Oil of pine
Oil of turpentine
Phosphoric acid: H3 PO4
Potassium chloride: K2 SO4
Sodium chloride: Na Cl, common table salt
Sodium phosphate
Sodium sulphate: Na2 SO4 glauber’s salt

Thank you

Well, Doctor Sparky, I’ve got news for you. Most of these aren’t herbs. But I’m definitely looking forward to trying some of your crunchy granola headache remedy with chloroform in it. Good thing you’re looking for someone serfing on Craigslist – those serfs are used to being oppressed, I’m sure they’ll gobble it right down.

Thanks for the post, Kathleen!

34 Responses leave one →
  1. 2014 April 30
    CapnMac permalink

    Perhaps, dear Sparky, you might take up phrenology . . .

    Adores: 5
  2. 2014 April 30

    Sparky found a matchbook that said, “Draw this adorable fawn and become a Doctor of Naturopathy in your spare time.”

    Adores: 9
  3. 2014 April 30
    Ralph permalink

    Sparky: if you don’t know what alcohol and table salt are or where to find them, phosphoric acid would be useful for removing rust from your brain. If you don’t have one, the coumarin (Warfarin) will kill the squirrels running around inside your head. Rinse well with dihydrogen monoxide.

    Adores: 8
    • 2014 April 30

      Dihydrogen monoxide sounds scary. Isn’t there a homeopathic alternative?

      Adores: 11
      • 2014 April 30
        One Moving Violation permalink

        I used to be a homeopathic just like you, but then I took a dihydrogen monoxide on the knee.

        Adores: 6
  4. 2014 April 30
    MissMommyNiceNice permalink

    Well, borax me a question and I’ll tell you no lyes. Dr. Sparky, if you can’t go to the grocery and find the table salt, you have bigger problems than this list. Didn’t your degree (and I use this term in the loosest possible manner) provide you with the cliff notes resource list? Seriously though, most of the aforementioned “grocery stores” now even sell a wide selection of “essential oils” for all of your home aromatherapy needs. And furthermore, oh, hell, whatever, nevermind. Look at the flowers and breathe deeply, this will only take a moment.

    Adores: 5
  5. 2014 April 30
    camille permalink

    So, let me get this straight. You are looking for boric acid, chloroform, pine oil, and oil of turpentine that are safe for human consumption?

    Adores: 5
    • 2014 April 30
      MissMommyNiceNice permalink

      Sssshhhhh! It’s a trap!

      Adores: 1
      • 2014 April 30
        nojazzhere permalink

        hmmm……now where did I put the phone number for Homeland Security???….

        Adores: 4
  6. 2014 April 30
    HamCan permalink

    I only made it to “Alcohol: C2 H5 OH grain alcohol”, then I had to take a nap…

    Adores: 5
    • 2014 April 30
      MissMommyNiceNice permalink

      Well, here in Pennsyltucky, you’ll need to travel to Maryland for your Jungle Juice medicinal needs.

      Adores: 2
    • 2014 April 30
      Yancy permalink

      Sparky, I know where to go for the grain alcohol. Go to the nearest frat house and ask for a shot of Everclear. Tell them it’s for medicinal research. Don’t be offended if they laugh their asses off and ask if they can be research subjects.

      Adores: 5
      • 2014 May 1

        And when you wake up in the morning three days from now, that splitting headache is part of your test results.

        Adores: 2
  7. 2014 April 30

    Ladies and Gentlemen, Sparkies of all ages, step right up! Put your money on the table because you, yes I said you, are in for the treat of a lifetime! You get not one bottle of Heaven’s elixir, not two, but FOUR bottles and a can of Shit-Stompin’ Stuff that will put a shine on your shoes and take the rust off your pipes. Act now, before I walk away, and I will throw in this handy-dandy slicer dicer automatic weapon not for children under 3 years old. For the babies, I have the unbeatable factory direct babby bouncer to tie on to your car. You may see flashing red and blue lights, but just ignore those. It’s only a side effect and will not harm you or the babby. Order now, 555-555-1111, operators standing by, have your credit card ready.

    Adores: 3
  8. 2014 April 30
    Yancy permalink

    I had to look it up. This is the first paragraph of what Wikipedia has to say. I love the last sentence and the second half of the sentence immediately preceding. Sign me up! Actually, those last two sentences reinforce my impression that this guy got his naturopathic doctor license the same place online you go to be ordained to perform marriages.

    Naturopathy, or naturopathic medicine, is a form of alternative medicine based on a belief in vitalism, which posits that a special energy called “vital energy” or “vital force” guides bodily processes such as metabolism, reproduction, growth, and adaptation. Naturopathy favors a holistic approach with non-invasive treatment and generally avoids the use of surgery and drugs. Practitioners of naturopathy often prefer methods of treatment that are not compatible with evidence-based medicine, and in doing so, reject the tenets of biomedicine and modern science. Naturopathic medicine is replete with pseudoscientific, ineffective, unethical, and possibly dangerous practices.

    Adores: 6
    • 2014 April 30

      Naturopathic medicine is replete with pseudoscientific, ineffective, unethical, and possibly dangerous practices.

      I am shocked.

      Shocked I tell you.

      Absolutely shocked.

      No, really.

      Shocking.

      Adores: 7
      • 2014 April 30
        nojazzhere permalink

        Sounds like many modern educational practices. (uh oh…did I just say that out loud???)

        Adores: 5
  9. 2014 April 30
    Yancy permalink

    Sparky:

    I am [studying for a] Doctor in Naturopathy and i have a list of non botanical substances I need for [my] herbal preparations [classes].

    There, I fixed it for you.

    Adores: 1
    • 2014 April 30
      Yancy permalink

      Also, as this list is for the non-botanical needs for his herbal preparations, I can’t help but wonder what was on the list of botanical needs. I’m sure pot’s on there. Maybe dandelion greens? tea tree oil? sage?

      Adores: 2
      • 2014 April 30

        Distilled agave juice?

        Adores: 1
  10. 2014 April 30
    Irregular Fractal permalink

    Dear Sparky: I’m pretty sure this isn’t how Dexter Morgan got started. Might I recommend enrolling in the police academy?

    Adores: 3
  11. 2014 April 30
    Meg permalink

    Actually, this is my new e-cig recipe.
    It more closely relates to the real thing.

    Adores: 2
  12. 2014 April 30
    Brer Fox permalink

    Well, I don’t have any experience with naturopathy. I am pretty sure, like me, many of you have been told things like, “If you never had children, then you don’t have any business telling me how to discipline them.” or “If you never been involved with making or jumping on a hot butter carpet burrito, you have no business criticizing someone who has.”
    I noticed that some of the substances in this post are on the Periodic Table of The Elements and some are not. Well, I’m here to tell you, I am very experienced with things that are not on the Periodic Table of The Elements. You know what should be on that table that isn’t? Pandemonium.
    Pandemonium is something I know about. I sprinkle a little Pandemonium on my breakfast every morning. Pandemonium is what they should have named that substance on Pandora in that movie instead of Unobtainium. Of course if they would have named it that, then the Na’vi would have been black and white instead of blue. This would of course be an inside joke.
    Of course, most of you (being experienced with things that are not on the Periodic Table) know that Pandemonium is an organic substance produced when two pandas of the opposite gender reproduce. I’m sure most of you know that most female pandas are moaners. If the female panda happens to be a screamer, they still call it Pandemonium. Them scientists didn’t want to call anything Pandascreamium.

    The more you know.

    Adores: 6
    • 2014 April 30
      P-Rex permalink

      What about Screamated Pandemonium?

      Adores: 4
    • 2014 April 30
      Brer Fox permalink

      I would suggest PAM as the chemical symbol.

      Adores: 2
  13. 2014 April 30
    CapnMac permalink

    [utterly nostalgic non sequitur aside]
    I am reminded of the days when the Walton Five & Dime store (or Gibsons, or Rexall, or such similar stores) carried the Edmond Scientific product line. This was usually back among the hobby stuff and was meant to be the refills for the Jr. Home Science Kit.

    All sorts of chemicals, salts, bases, and acids were represented in the display. Rather a large number of those could be combined to make less-stable, even volatile, compounds. Ah, the Mitty-like daydreams such things spawned in the minds of educated youth . . .

    Were it 1972, I could probably fill Spark’s shopping list for about $5 (’72 currency), if in 5 & 10 gram vials (and an arched eyebrow from the shop keeper).

    One is almost forced to wonder if Spark’s Naturopathy classes mentioned this thing called the internet, and the search engines thereupon, and considered entering “edmund scientific” (yes, they are still around) into one of those engines to slake his quest.

    (Speaking of, any masonry supply house, and/or nursery yards, stock lime, slaked and unslaked–you just have to buy 40# at a time.
    [/aside]

    Adores: 2
  14. 2014 April 30
    Brer Fox permalink

    Flowers of camphor: powdered camphor which has been prepared by sublimation (Refined)

    Subliminal Camphor is IF’s Max Headroom cover band.

    Adores: 2
    • 2014 April 30
      CapnMac permalink

      Not to be confused with sublingual Camphor, as that would taste nasty.

      Adores: 2
  15. 2014 April 30
    CapnMac permalink

    Ok, this has been nagging at the back of my brain all day.
    This, from forgotten/semi-remembered bits of flash-card college chemistry study aeons ago. So, five minutes’ on wiki found me some tidbits.

    Glauber’s Salt, for one. Which occurs naturally all over everywhere, and is also a byproduct of sulfuric acid production. As sal mirablis it was used as a laxative until more sophisticated medicines came along. Oh, and if you have a bit of H2So4 about, it will react with Glauber’s to produce Sodium Bisulfate, another item on the wish list–not going to pass that alchemy midterm at this rate, are’ya Spark’?

    Gee, then there’s the sodium phosphate which is used in one of its three forms (mono-, bi-, or tri-sodium phosphate) in detergent and soap making. Gee, just how far from Bed, Bath, & Body Works does Spark’ live?

    Adores: 3
    • 2014 May 1

      If this were Hogwarts, Snape would be deducting so many points from Griffindor.

      Adores: 2
  16. 2014 April 30
    DrJ permalink

    Sparky must not have gone to actual naturopathic medical school. As an honest to goodness licensed, certified, practicing naturopathic doctor I promise I had to spend many, many hours in the world of Organic Chemistry. I still have PTSD flashbacks of assembling those ridiculous chem sets under the fume hoods. Point being, to be accepted into *real* naturopathic medical school (with state boards and such) you have to do pre-med as an undergrad. That always entails OChem. Poor Sparky got their degree online. Shame to the profession.

    Adores: 5
  17. 2014 May 1

    I am a Doctor of Naturopathy and i have a list of non botanical substances I need for herbal preparations. I don’t know what most of them are nor do i know where to find them so I’m hoping someone serfing this section of craigslist might be able to help me.

    …So, how’d you get your doctorate, again?

    Adores: 2
  18. 2014 May 1

    This whole thing is some euphemism for him trying and failing to learn how to synthesise drugs in his kitchen, isn’t it?

    Adores: 2
    • 2014 May 9

      That’s a terrible recipe for meth. It needs more Sudafed and a dash of oregano.

      Adores: 2

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