YSaC, Vol. 1698: Emphasis on the “Kick”
Hey there! Who’s looking for an exciting career as a sidekick? Why, with just a little effort, you could be right up there with Robin, Tonto, or even Clarence Thomas!
Here’s a few ads to get you started:
Seeking Sexy Side Kick
Hello, I am a male frustrated by how much humanity sucks. Every day I strive a bit to fight against the suck that is person kind. I do a whole lot of working all the time and while I have a really cool business partner, I am looking for a very attractive and motivated and intelligent female who has an interest in life and how things work and a will to learn. This gig pays more than you know but there is no direct monetary gain to be had. Indirectly I think you may learn a ton in the process. Plainly I am looking for someone who wants to hang out on a friendship level and learn a lot of things they would not normal learn. Mostly on how to create something that didn’t exist or fix something that is broken. Little bits and pieces that improve the world and yourself.
Persons applying must be female and attractive and intelligent.
I require a picture. people without them are obviously not the personality type I am looking for and will be ignored. Males will be ignored. People who look like they suck will be ignored.
Not creepy enough? How about THIS wall o’ crazy?
Assistant to a highly delusional, bipolar, multiple personality “CEO”
I’m a soon-to-be billionaire CEO of an unnamed startup. We have offices all over the world (as we allow people to work from home since we’re too broke to afford a non-zero rent space anywhere). Our startup focuses of solving the world’s most challenging problems with a small community of self-organized members i.e. we solve problems I like to work on but I’m too naive so I find people better and get them to work “for the community” (read “for free”). Usually these problems are exceptionally challenging and engaging and the reward is the work itself (seems to work for the people…).
In any case, I’ve realized recently that I’m very disorganized, extremely distracted, and require someone to help me get my shit together. It seems that someone who’s exactly opposite to me can help balance out the universe.
Criteria for the preferred candidate:
+ Brain is still highly functioning and hasn’t fried from chemical overdose
+ Accepting of jokes that inadvertently will insult and generalize so they can and will be any of the ‘ist’s: sexist, mysognist, racist, …
+ If female and intelligent and strong-willed: I will definitely try to sleep with you and begin a relationship. Either resist and be continually part of a highly sexually tense environment until I find a girlfriend or give-in and become my girlfriend. Either way it’s fine with me.
+ Must understand contradictory tasks and reconcile them through heated debate or extraordinary intelligence.
+ Have thick skin or develop one very quickly
+ Display positive emotions even during turbulent times
+ Extremely honest with me about how you’re feeling and your expectations
+ Accepting that sometimes you might not get paid on time
+ Fiercely loyal to the team and the company (but this alone doesn’t keep the job)
+ We think of problems as antelope in the Serengeti so they are capable of running away, developing strategies, and overall evolving as we get close to them. We’re predators that have to be able to skillfully hunt and kill the prey/problem even as it continues to evolve for survival. The best case scenario is to systematically solve the problem and measure the system to determine failures to address at a later date. If you get this crude analogy, you’re already ahead of the game.
+ We have distinct and sometimes tangential businesses to drive revenue + keep my insane ADHD at bay. I love problem solving so anything I get my head thinking about I want to do, you must push back to maintain absolute laser focus for my main priorities.
+ Have a great command of the English language
What I’ll provide you:
+ My personal belief is to push everyone around me to the ultimate limits physically, mentally, and emotionally. I will provide you with tasks and goals that will require you to push past any perceived boundaries and grow faster than expected. This is not a menial secretary job, this is a high-functioning job to provide structure for me and through me the company. You will have a very large impact on the organization’s success.
Please send me a response with a phone number. If you hear back, you have my attention.
Too long, didn’t read? Got just the one for you:
MAD SCIENTIST SEEKS SEXY YOUNG LIVE IN ASSISTANT
I AM THE BRAIN, where is my Pinky?
Thanks sd, Elizabeth, and Daniel!