YSaC, Vol. 1698: Emphasis on the “Kick”

2014 May 2

Hey there! Who’s looking for an exciting career as a sidekick? Why, with just a little effort, you could be right up there with Robin, Tonto, or even Clarence Thomas!

Here’s a few ads to get you started:

Seeking Sexy Side Kick


Hello, I am a male frustrated by how much humanity sucks. Every day I strive a bit to fight against the suck that is person kind. I do a whole lot of working all the time and while I have a really cool business partner, I am looking for a very attractive and motivated and intelligent female who has an interest in life and how things work and a will to learn. This gig pays more than you know but there is no direct monetary gain to be had. Indirectly I think you may learn a ton in the process. Plainly I am looking for someone who wants to hang out on a friendship level and learn a lot of things they would not normal learn. Mostly on how to create something that didn’t exist or fix something that is broken. Little bits and pieces that improve the world and yourself.

Persons applying must be female and attractive and intelligent.

I require a picture. people without them are obviously not the personality type I am looking for and will be ignored. Males will be ignored. People who look like they suck will be ignored.

Thanks!

Not creepy enough? How about THIS wall o’ crazy?

Assistant to a highly delusional, bipolar, multiple personality “CEO”


I’m a soon-to-be billionaire CEO of an unnamed startup. We have offices all over the world (as we allow people to work from home since we’re too broke to afford a non-zero rent space anywhere). Our startup focuses of solving the world’s most challenging problems with a small community of self-organized members i.e. we solve problems I like to work on but I’m too naive so I find people better and get them to work “for the community” (read “for free”). Usually these problems are exceptionally challenging and engaging and the reward is the work itself (seems to work for the people…).

In any case, I’ve realized recently that I’m very disorganized, extremely distracted, and require someone to help me get my shit together. It seems that someone who’s exactly opposite to me can help balance out the universe.

Criteria for the preferred candidate:
+ Female
+ Brain is still highly functioning and hasn’t fried from chemical overdose
+ Accepting of jokes that inadvertently will insult and generalize so they can and will be any of the ‘ist’s: sexist, mysognist, racist, …
+ If female and intelligent and strong-willed: I will definitely try to sleep with you and begin a relationship. Either resist and be continually part of a highly sexually tense environment until I find a girlfriend or give-in and become my girlfriend. Either way it’s fine with me.
+ Must understand contradictory tasks and reconcile them through heated debate or extraordinary intelligence.
+ Have thick skin or develop one very quickly
+ Display positive emotions even during turbulent times
+ Extremely honest with me about how you’re feeling and your expectations
+ Accepting that sometimes you might not get paid on time
+ Fiercely loyal to the team and the company (but this alone doesn’t keep the job)
+ We think of problems as antelope in the Serengeti so they are capable of running away, developing strategies, and overall evolving as we get close to them. We’re predators that have to be able to skillfully hunt and kill the prey/problem even as it continues to evolve for survival. The best case scenario is to systematically solve the problem and measure the system to determine failures to address at a later date. If you get this crude analogy, you’re already ahead of the game.
+ We have distinct and sometimes tangential businesses to drive revenue + keep my insane ADHD at bay. I love problem solving so anything I get my head thinking about I want to do, you must push back to maintain absolute laser focus for my main priorities.
+ Have a great command of the English language

What I’ll provide you:
+ My personal belief is to push everyone around me to the ultimate limits physically, mentally, and emotionally. I will provide you with tasks and goals that will require you to push past any perceived boundaries and grow faster than expected. This is not a menial secretary job, this is a high-functioning job to provide structure for me and through me the company. You will have a very large impact on the organization’s success.

Please send me a response with a phone number. If you hear back, you have my attention.

Too long, didn’t read? Got just the one for you:

MAD SCIENTIST SEEKS SEXY YOUNG LIVE IN ASSISTANT


I AM THE BRAIN, where is my Pinky?

Thanks sd, Elizabeth, and Daniel!

39 Responses leave one →
  1. 2014 May 2

    Hello, I am a male frustrated by how much humanity sucks.

    Well, that’s not very -

    Every day I strive a bit to fight against the suck that is person kind.

    Only one person?

    Oh! You must be talking about that asshole Hugh Manitee who lives on 3rd Street! Yeah, he DOES suck, you’re right, man.

    Adores: 5
  2. 2014 May 2

    Guy’s looking for a lady who’s interested in life and “how things work,” huh?

    Yeah, I’m sure he’ll be more than willing to sow her, “how things work,” heh heh.

    *Sound of a gunshot and SC’s horrified, agonized groaning*

    Adores: 3
  3. 2014 May 2

    Criteria for the preferred candidate:
    + Female
    + Brain is still highly functioning and hasn’t fried from chemical overdose

    Well, then the Naturopathy student doctor from yesterday is screwed.

    Adores: 4
    • 2014 May 2
      zero.nada.none. permalink

      Aren’t those two criteria mutually exclusive????

      Adores: 2
      • 2014 May 2

        Maaaybe?

        Adores: 1
  4. 2014 May 2

    If female and intelligent and strong-willed: I will definitely try to sleep with you and begin a relationship. Either resist and be continually part of a highly sexually tense environment until I find a girlfriend or give-in and become my girlfriend. Either way it’s fine with me.

    Suddenly, that song “Jainie’s Got A Gun” makes so much more sense.

    Adores: 2
  5. 2014 May 2
    MissMommyNiceNice permalink

    Chemical Overdose is the name of my Zombie Mega Band featuring Jimmy Hendrix, Kurt Cobain, Jerry Lee Lewis, and Lou Reed. Among others.

    Adores: 2
    • 2014 May 2

      With backup vocals by John Lennon.

      Adores: 2
      • 2014 May 2
        MissMommyNiceNice permalink

        And Tupac on the turntable.

        Adores: 1
        • 2014 May 2

          With an opening improv act by Heath Ledger

          Adores: 2
  6. 2014 May 2
    Ralph permalink

    tl;dr? Here’s the synopsis:

    Sparky #1 dislikes cunnilingus.
    Sparky #2 wants an alien for predator control.
    Sparky #3 needs anger management.

    Forget the assistants/sidekicks; they can address their control issues by herding cats — the only way they will get any pussy.

    Adores: 4
  7. 2014 May 2

    I love the smell of desperation in the morning. It smells like … Craigslist.

    Adores: 8
  8. 2014 May 2
    HamCan permalink

    I’m a soon-to-be billionaire

    What a coinkydink me too!
    *checks lotto tickets*

    Dangit, maybe next week…

    Adores: 9
    • 2014 May 2
      nojazzhere permalink

      What, me worry?……(R.I.P.)

      Adores: 3
    • 2014 May 2

      Me too! In fact, if I play my cards right, I’ll be a billionaire by the time I’m…

      *SC calculates on his fingers*

      …Ninety-three years old!

      Adores: 2
    • 2014 May 2

      How’d you like to be a multi-trillionaire? It’s easier than you think.

      Adores: 2
  9. 2014 May 2
    Jay permalink

    That first guy is watching too much “Elementary”.

    Adores: 3
    • 2014 May 3
      SilvaNoir permalink

      The second guy is definitely Tony Stark.
      Settle down, Tony, you’ve already got Pepper.

      Adores: 1
  10. 2014 May 2

    you must push back to maintain absolute laser focus for my main priorities.

    It’s not a death ray or an ice ray, I hope!

    Adores: 1
    • 2014 May 2

      But what about a MANTA ray?

      *Three more gunshots, and a dull thud as SC’s body hits the floor*

      Adores: 4
      • 2014 May 2

        *puffs away smoke from gun barrel*

        That ought to hold him.

        Adores: 3
        • 2014 May 2

          Windy, whyyyyy?

          Adores: 2
        • 2014 May 2
          nojazzhere permalink

          Because….it had to be done…..

          Adores: 1
        • 2014 May 2
          One Moving Violation permalink

          She did it for Johnny!

          Adores: 0
        • 2014 May 2

          It was my MANTA-fest Destiny.

          Adores: 0
    • 2014 May 2
      One Moving Violation permalink

      Youse can call me Ray or youse can call me Jay…

      Adores: 1
  11. 2014 May 2
    HamCan permalink


    Now look at them yo-yo’s see how they suck it
    You play “assistant” to the CEO
    That ain’t workin’ that’s the way you do it
    No money or nothin’ side kicks for free
    Now that ain’t workin’ that’s the way you do it
    Lemme tell ya my girl can’t be dumb
    Maybe get a “ist” on your little sister
    Maybe get a “ist” on your bottom

    We gotta install little bitty things
    Custom widgets that don’t exist
    We gotta make these thingymajiggers
    We gotta fix these unbroken things

    Adores: 2
    • 2014 May 2
      zero.nada.none. permalink

      AGAIN????….O.K……(in shrill, Sting voice)….

      “I want my….I want my….I want my Ms. Pinky…..
      I want my….I want my…. I want my Ms. Pinky…..”

      Whew!!!! that really takes it out of you!!!!!

      Adores: 2
      • 2014 May 2
        HamCan permalink

        I AM THE BRAIN, where is my Pinky?

        In your pants?

        Adores: 5
        • 2014 May 2
          One Moving Violation permalink

          NARF!

          Adores: 3
        • 2014 May 2
          Not-a-[censored] Lion permalink

          You have a mouse in your pants or are you just happy to see me?

          Adores: 2
  12. 2014 May 2
    One Moving Violation permalink

    I AM THE BRAIN, where is my Pinky?

    He plays a secret agent on TV. He sometimes works with Perry the platitude plasticene polybicarbonate beavertailed venomous duck and Pinky is a chowchickawowow chewbacca chehooha dog that’s really good with computers.

    Adores: 1
  13. 2014 May 2
    One Moving Violation permalink

    Seeking Sexy Side Kick

    How long have you been living in a cave? We call that Hero Support

    Adores: 1
  14. 2014 May 2
    One Moving Violation permalink

    My friends and I used to play hero and sidekick when we were kids. Too bad I didn’t have any friends. No hero. I guess I just played sidekick.

    I haz a sad.

    Adores: 2
    • 2014 May 2
      Not-a-[censored] Lion permalink

      Why didn’t you just play hero?

      Adores: 1
      • 2014 May 2
        One Moving Violation permalink

        Because nobody would make me a sammich.

        Adores: 1
  15. 2014 May 2
    One Moving Violation permalink

    I require a picture. people without them are obviously not the personality type I am looking for and will be ignored. Males will be ignored. People who look like they suck will be ignored.

    Sparky doesn’t have a picture. Sparky must be the wrong personality type. Sparky is male. Sparky really sucks at this.

    Sparky should be ignored.

    Adores: 1
  16. 2014 May 2
    P-Rex permalink

    Persons applying must be female and attractive and intelligent.

    So the persons applying must be supermodels with P-hds in P-sychology or P-sychoanalysis so they can deal with the likes of you?

    Adores: 1
  17. 2014 May 6
    Digitalaxis permalink

    Ooh, HIGHLY delusional? That sounds like the best workplace environment ever! Sign me up!

    Sincerely,
    A. Fakename

    Adores: 0

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