YSaC, Vol. 311: Let him who has the fat wallet …

2009 May 24

authentic polaroid picture of jesus – $100000


this photo was taken by my mom,she doesnt even know I have it,she is a die hard jesus fanatic every day all day.thats why I know its him,other than the fact that in the photo he is wearing a robe and a crown with a cross engraved in the middle of it with his hand extended toward my moms shoulder.there is also an angel above him wearing white gloves and she has wings.now for the special part. my moms deceast mother is next to the angel with her hands pressed together in a prayin position and theres a halo around her head.Theyre surrounding my mom.what makes this picture even more special to me is It saved my life . At the time that I most needed god the very first stack of photos that I picked up in search of him or any sign of afterlife and he gave me the greatest gift I could ever ask for his son. I only ask that you look at it before you pass judgement, thank you.

So, wait a minute … your mom is a “die hard Jesus fanatic”, yet you haven’t told her that a polaroid picture of her contains both Jesus AND her “deceast” mother? Wouldn’t this be something she might really want to know?

And how does one authenticate pictures of Jesus? Is there a certification agency somewhere? Can you take it to the Antiques Roadshow people? I can just see Leslie and Leigh Keno waxing poetic about this picture of Jesus and zombie grandma.

(And I’m amused, because way, way back in YSaC, Vol. X I threatened to start a zombie grandma tag, but didn’t think I’d ever get to use it again.)

Thanks to Brian for sending this one in!

37 Responses leave one →
  1. 2009 May 24
    Cled permalink

    Wait, wait, wait… A picture of Jesus in a robe and crown AND an angel wearing white gloves (after Labor Day, I presume), but that’s NOT the special part? I want to see the rest of the polaroids in that stack!

    Adores: 2
    • 2009 May 24
      Cled permalink

      Memorial Day. That should have been Memorial Day, right? Have I just lost my shot at eternal life? =(

      Adores: 0
      • 2009 May 24

        Yes. Sorry.

        Adores: 0
      • 2009 May 25
        Jackie permalink

        Actually, I think you had it right the first time. It’s ok to wear white starting on Memorial Day (the beginning of summer) and ending on Labor Day (the end of summer). I think it only applies to shoes though.

        Adores: 1
  2. 2009 May 24

    For some reason the first time I read “deceast” my brain translated it into “die-cast.” I was trying to figure out if his grandmother had been a cheap manufactured product from a random third world country.

    Adores: 1
    • 2009 May 24
      Count Blah permalink

      So not just me, then. 😀

      Adores: 0
    • 2013 February 23

      Diecast Grandmas* – collect the whole set!

      *Diecast Grandmas is IF’s The Cars cover band.

      Adores: 3
  3. 2009 May 24
    Nick permalink

    Wait, this guy got Jesus to pose in a photo with him? He wouldn’t even sign my bible!

    Adores: 10
  4. 2009 May 24

    When I’m in despair, and need a sign of something greater than myself for spiritual uplifting, I always head for a stack of Polaroids to confirm that God is not dead. Yessirree. That’s the ticket.

    Adores: 12
    • 2009 May 26

      Exactly. Really, anytime I have a difficult decision or challenge, I think,”What would gap toothed four eyed me do?” and head for the crappy Instamatics.

      Adores: 0
  5. 2009 May 24
    Jill permalink

    I feel bad because I am passing judgment before I have actually seen the photo, but if you first stole the picture from your mom and it supposedly saved your life, should you really be trying to profit from it to the tune of $100 grand?

    Adores: 5
    • 2009 May 27

      THANK YOU. Either you don’t believe, and you’re going to sell your mom’s miracle Polaroid because you’re an asshat … or you DO believe (“It saved my life”) and you’re selling it anyway. Which makes you a special kind of asshat, I guess.

      Adores: 7
  6. 2009 May 24
    Linnee permalink

    Yeah, “a crown with a cross engraved in the middle of it” is just the Jesus ID I need to believe it’s really him. Would it have killed him to actually include a picture of the photo? And even if it would have, it could have saved his life again.

    Adores: 1
  7. 2009 May 24

    Wait, the photo was taken BY his mother, yet, she is in it too? Now, that is a miracle…

    Adores: 2
    • 2009 May 24
      Mrphysic permalink

      maybe it was one of those really awful photos taken of yourself leaning back with the camera at arms length – Jesus is probably slightly out of shot and out of focus.

      Adores: 5
  8. 2009 May 24
    Mrphysic permalink

    This is a fairly good microcosm of what religions offer in general…..except you could argue that at least here you get something tangible for your investment (still a bad deal though).

    If it were Jesus’ driving licence I’d be sorely tempted……..

    Adores: 0
  9. 2009 May 24

    I couldn’t get past the fact that it reminded me polaroid is over and I just wanted to cry and cry and cry.

    Adores: 0
  10. 2009 May 24
    El Kev permalink

    “now for the special part.” Not only do I wonder when God will pass the gift of punctuation on to this man(?), but I wonder what it takes to NOT impress him.

    Adores: 0
  11. 2009 May 24
    El Kev permalink

    Wait, I know I just posted, but I read through it again. Okay, he says that the special part is that his die-cast grandma is next to an angel with white glove. But then he goes on to say “what makes this picture even more special to me is It saved my life .” Which is it? Is the scale model of granny the special part, or is the special part the life saving?

    Adores: 2
  12. 2009 May 25
    Linnee permalink

    Sounds like an infomercial. But wait…that’s not all!

    Adores: 0
  13. 2009 May 26
    Courtney permalink

    Why would Jesus wear a cross? It’s not like he wore one when he was alive. It’s not like he worships himself. In fact, I would think he’d have an aversion to crosses. I’m thinking this is an imposter, just like a shopping mall Santa.

    Adores: 12
  14. 2009 May 26
    Lizzy permalink

    Yeah! And the same goes for the crown and the robe. Who is this a photo of? Jesus, or the Burger King?

    Adores: 8
  15. 2009 May 28
    Manda permalink

    Exactly! I’m wondering what his mom will do to him if and when he does sell the photo!

    Adores: 0
  16. 2009 June 26
    Jessica permalink

    Okay, how come I’m the only one stuck on the part where it’s not just a picture of Jesus, it’s a Polaroid . By my calculations, his pic is… let’s see… I gotta do the math… uh, about 2,000 years old. Sure, Polaroids are old school, but I’m pretty sure they weren’t among the wonders of the ancient world.

    And, there are other questions… How beggared is your critical thinking if a robe and a cross-bearing crown, combined with your mother’s enthusiastic faith, are deemed sufficient to confirm deity identity?

    And, assuming for a moment that Jesus was ever real enough to be photographable, how is it his mama knew the Big Guy well enough to be snapping pics of him back in his corporeal days? (I think his mama has some ‘splaining to do)

    And, maybe most imporantly, how is it his salvationed self doesn’t seem to have a problem with the fact he’s stolen his mother’s most precious possession and is trying to sell it to strangers on the Internet without her knowledge?

    Adores: 0
  17. 2009 September 26

    Years ago I saw a man on a street corner that I assumed was a homeless guy asking for change.

    Closer inspection showed that he was handing out fliers [New assumption: he’s asking for donations for some bunk charity that he’s miraculously got no proof is legit].

    And then even closer inspection showed that both assumptions were wrong.

    He was selling autographed pictures of Jesus.

    If I had any cash on me, I sooo would have bought one too. They were only 5 dollars. LOL

    Adores: 5
  18. 2013 February 23

    Every time I read this ad,
    I don’t understand
    How this Sparky let this scam
    Get so out of hand.
    Zombie grandmas, glovèd angels,
    That’s just so grand,
    And what would make our Blessed Savior
    Join in this grandstand?

    Jesus pic,
    Jesus pic,
    Selling your mom’s things makes Jesus sick.
    Jesus pic,
    Jesus pic,
    Selling your mom’s things makes Jesus sick.
    Jesus pic,
    Superstar,
    Are you worth what Sparky says you are?
    Jesus pic,
    Superstar,
    Are you worth what Sparky says you are?

    Adores: 4
    • 2013 February 23
      Demon Duck of Doom permalink

      I don’t know how to sell Him,
      What to do, how to move Him.
      It’s my Mom’s, yes really Mom’s.
      In these past few days when I look at it,
      I see my diecast Gram.

      I don’t know how to tell you
      What it is that’s more special.
      He’s a man. In a crown and robe.
      And you’ve seen so many men before,
      You’re probably thinking now,
      “He’s just one more.”

      Should I give it back?
      Should I make a buck?
      Should I let you see
      That it doesn’t suck?
      I never thought I’d stoop so low,
      What a sorry fuck.

      Don’t you think it’s rather funny
      The angel’s in that position,
      With white gloves on her praying hands?
      And how the heck did Mom get in the shot
      When she’s who took the pic?
      It scares me so.

      Adores: 4
  19. 2013 February 23
    CindyB permalink

    Am I the only one who can’t see the picture? Sparky wants us to look at it before we pass judgment, but I CAN’T SEE IT! Is this some sort of test of faith? If so, I think I’ve failed. Sad, because I was really looking forward to seeing what type of gloves were fashionable in Heaven this year.

    Adores: 4
    • 2013 February 23

      Haven’t you ever been to an art museum? Supernatural entities wear Italian Renaissance clothes. Also, they’re all blond.

      Adores: 2
  20. 2013 February 23
    HamCan permalink


    We three ghosts on Polaroid are
    Wearing halos we traverse afar.
    Wings and mittens, praying positions,
    Requiring a stronger flash.

    O flash of wonder, flash at night,
    Flash was really freaking bright,
    Red eye heeding, still processing,
    Guide us to through Photoshop tonight.

    Adores: 7
  21. 2013 February 23

    I have a photo just like that, except instead of Jesus, it’s Adam Ant, and instead of my mom, there’s Liberace! Where grandma must be is where Kurt Cobain stands, and above him is the angel, but with only one sequined glove. Think it’s worth anything?

    Adores: 0
    • 2013 February 23
      Demon Duck of Doom permalink

      It is if it’s all depicted in shower mold or hamburger grease. That is how He works.

      Adores: 0
  22. 2013 February 23
    DigitalAxis permalink

    Another ad from the same user:

    So, I stole this genuine photograph of Our Lady of Fair Dealing And Charity Toward The Poor from the orphanage, and I’ll sell it to you for $1,000,000 payable by check or unmarked nonconsecutive bills.

    There’s gonna be a lot of interest in this offer and I might raise the price, so if you REALLY want it, just send me a blank check and I’ll write in the final total.

    Adores: 1
  23. 2013 February 23

    Those of you who posted here today, if you are on FaceBook and haven’t already friended me, please do! Demi Hungerford. Crazy Bird Lady. 8)

    Adores: 0
  24. 2013 February 24

    CJ, how was the baux looking? Ghostie put in a new, easy-to-clean floor, so it’s okay if you bleed on it. Punchity Punch Punch!

    Good morning, Collectors of Holy Images on Bread!

    Adores: 1

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