You Suck at Craigslist

YSaC, Vol. 333: Database fail, parts 2 and 3.

Written by

drmk

in

Get me hot and satisfied – w4m

I’LL BE AT HOME ALONE TONIGHT AND WANT TO MEET YOU! I AM A VERY ATTRACTIVE YO LOOKING FOR SOME FUN. PLEASE, BE AT LEAST . MY YAHOO ID IS HZEYES.

I love when Craigslist spam bots go horribly, hilariously wrong. Like this:

The craigs list – 34

Hello. I am an MAN looking for an WOMAN who is LAID BACK. I am 21 years old and I like to WATERSKIING and also to CAMPING. I am a good sense of humor with a fun and tall.

My favorite movies are TITANIC, FRIED GREEN TOMATOES, and [ERROR: MOVIE NOT FOUND], but I’m not into chick flicks.

I like to take my dog, MIFFY in the back seet of my HARLEY-DAVIDSON MOTOR CYCLE. Maybe you would like to ride with us?

My favorite music bands are ABBA, AC//DC, and AIROSMITH.

336

I don’t know how this spambot can say he’s not into chick flicks if he likes TITANIC, FRIED GREEN TOMATOES and [ERROR: MOVIE NOT FOUND] — I bawled my eyes out at all three of them.*

Also, the spambot might want to set the favorite bands field to select items randomly, rather than just picking the first three alphabetically. I’m amused by the combination, though — the Venn diagram of AC/DC fans and ABBA fans so rarely intersects.**

He’s a big fan of gerunds. He is, also, a good sense of humor with a fun and tall. Wait, does a Harley have a back seat? And if it does, and MIFFY is there, where is the LAID BACK WOMAN going to sit?

Wait a minute … chick flicks, ABBA, AC/DC, MIFFY the dog, a Harley — this is a metrosexual spambot! Further proof: The rubber duckie picture came with the post. It’s obviously a postmodern commentary on the influence of Ernie and Bert as the original metrosexuals.

*Actually, I’m the last remaining person on the planet who has not seen Titanic, and I intend to keep it that way. I would actually rather see [ERROR: MOVIE NOT FOUND]. (Again.)

** Someone should do a mashup of T.N.T. and S.O.S., don’t you think?

Thanks to Erin and Roz for the posts!

Comments

73 responses to “YSaC, Vol. 333: Database fail, parts 2 and 3.”

  1. corn flakes Avatar
    corn flakes

    I personally thought the ending of “ERROR: MOVIE NOT FOUND” was a little cliche.

    34 or 21?
    and Miffy? Really? Miffy? Thats the best you could do?

  2. Caffeinated Katie Avatar
    Caffeinated Katie

    I thought I was the only one who hadn’t seen Titanic. Glad to see I’m not alone.

    1. jackie31337 Avatar
      jackie31337

      I walked out of the theater in the middle of it. I wish I had walked out sooner.

    2. Meredith Avatar
      Meredith

      Nope, me neither. I was actually in a laundrymat the other night, and the 35 seconds I saw before someone changed the channel is the most I’ve ever seen…an it was in Spanish.

      1. Tony Paul Avatar
        Tony Paul

        I haven’t seen it either, but I think I’ve seen so many excerpts in 1998 on TV in documentaries, news reports, trailers that I probably saw most of it in semi-unconscious disorder.

    3. bjor Avatar
      bjor

      I haven’t seen it either. Not interested.

    4. Pianodan Avatar
      Pianodan

      I’ve watched all the movies on the first AFI top 100 list, and am sort of proud of the accomplishment. However, in order to finish watching their revised list, I would have to watch “Titanic.” Not interested.

      1. vickie Avatar
        vickie

        I too am in the throng of never having seen Titanic and never plan to either

        1. bonni Avatar
          bonni

          me either!!!

    5. kristen55 Avatar
      kristen55

      Wow, so I’m like the only one who ogled the CGI graphics in the movie magazines (the graphics were pretty impressive in it’s day) and then wanted to be there opening day to finally see it? I really thought it was great. The story was ok, but the graphics, and melding the undersea footage with the movie special effects, man, that was awesome.

      1. Jen Avatar
        Jen

        Add me to the haven’t-seen-it-never-will list!

    6. 'sme Avatar
      ‘sme

      I haven’t seen it. At first, I was all excited about watching Leo snuff it, but then I found out you had to spend 3 hours watching Leo acting first. I don’t think I can ever make this sacrifice.

    7. Jamie Roxx Avatar
      Jamie Roxx

      don’t worry, it ends how you would imagine….the ship sinks

      1. Jules Avatar
        Jules

        LL that’s what I used to tell people who said “Oh you HAVE to see it!”
        Me: “Nah. I know how it ends.”
        Three hours of maudlin crap, PLUS a sad and depressing ending? No thanks.

        1. ratwoman Avatar
          ratwoman

          I did well to avoid it. Unfortunately I did see The English Patient, and ‘three hours of maudlin crap and a depressing ending’ sums that up too. Though it felt more like three weeks.

  3. Amy H. Avatar
    Amy H.

    Does anyone else read that Yahoo ID “HZEYES” as “has eyes?” Dear lord I would certainly hope the poster has eyes!! It could prove to be terribly tragic and awkward if she didn’t.

    1. Meredith Avatar
      Meredith

      Yes, yes I did. It didn’t even cross my mind to read it some other way until you pointed it out.

    2. drmk Avatar
      drmk

      I’m not sure if I want spambots to have eyes. That’s a little creepy.

    3. cardiogirl Avatar
      cardiogirl

      I actually read that as Hezbollah, which didn’t make it any better.

      1. lareigna Avatar
        lareigna

        If it were actually a member of the Hezbollah, I would actually feel rather sad. There’s something very poignant about the thought of a hardened Lebanese terrorist, overcome by the loneliness of his harsh, violent life, finally resorting to a Craigslist ad cobbled together with the aid of Babelfish and frequently-used phrases from other m4w ads in a desperate attempt to connect to a human being from the outside world.

        1. haikukitty Avatar
          haikukitty

          😉

        2. frankie Avatar
          frankie

          Hahahaaa

  4. G Avatar
    G

    I haven’t seen Titanic either. No, I take it back; I was walking by when my mom-in-law was watching, and I stopped to see the scene in which Leo DeCrapio dies. Very heartwarming. He should die in every move (tho otherwise not appear).

    1. Martha Avatar
      Martha

      Have to agree. And I think that she should have smiled when she let him go.

  5. Colleen in MA Avatar
    Colleen in MA

    Once when I was trying to find a roommate on CL I got sick of seeing “I’m laid back” / “Looking for a laid back roommate”. So I wrote a post saying that people needed to describe themselves a little better because there cannot be so many people like that – not everybody in the world is that laid back! I got a few thank you’s from others that were as sick of that line as me, but of course I did get an email that said “So you’re not laid back, are you?” Well, I’ve got to say that, yes, generally that’s correct! Not when it comes to other people living in my space.

    And drmk and Katie, please do not see Titanic. I want to believe that a world can exist in which someone has NOT seen that movie. Help me believe.

    1. drmk Avatar
      drmk

      I hear that in the movie announcer voice:

      In A World where someone has not seen Titanic ….

      (Rest assured, I have no plans to see that movie and destroy that world.)

      1. Brian Avatar
        Brian

        Happy to say that I also have not seen Titanic, and never plan to.

        Sad to say however, that the voiceover guy who did the “in a world…” movie previews died last year 🙁
        http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Don_LaFontaine

  6. TychaBrahe Avatar
    TychaBrahe

    I, too, have not seen Titanic. After reading Passage by Connie Willis (and Walter Lord’s A Night to Remember, on her recommendation), I doubt I ever will. My mind is “a Titanic-free zone.”

    1. Cathy D Avatar
      Cathy D

      I am in love with Connie Willis, but I still couldn’t stand the end of Passages. What cop-out tripe!

  7. MoxieHart Avatar
    MoxieHart

    I’ve never seen Titanic either. I’m very proud of that, since I was 12 or 13 when that movie came out and I’m pretty sure it was genetically impossible to be a female of that age and not see that movie. I did see the MST3K Oscar special when they made fun of Titanic, though.

  8. Lolo Avatar
    Lolo

    Whew, just the other day I was reading about Kate Winslet, whose work I rather like, and reflecting that she was in the Biggest Grossing Film of All Time (TM) and I Have Never Seen It. My parents have seen it. In fact, my grandmother, who is in her 90s, has probably seen it.
    If other people who like YSAC have also never seen it, then I’m happy to be in your company.

    But, [ERROR: MOVIE NOT FOUND], now that sounds like the kind of lo-fi, indie, mumblecore production I could get behind. Excuse me whilst I queue it up on Netflix.

    Just for conversation’s sake: other films I have never seen include Forrest Gump and Jurassic Park. Yes, if you’re wondering, I do in fact leave the house, though admittedly it’s probably to go to the library.

    1. Sabra Avatar
      Sabra

      You are so lucky. I managed to avoid Titanic because I was an adult when it came out (my ex-husband has seen it often enough for the both of us–and he paid to do so), but I was forced to watch Jurassic Park & Forrest Gump in high school (well, maybe JP was junior high, I’m not sure). In my defense, I managed to sleep through most of both films.

  9. Lola Avatar
    Lola

    Dang, typed my name wrong; I suck at commenting on YSAC.

    1. isaac Avatar
      isaac

      Now I’m going to want to call you Lolo all the time.

  10. corn flakes Avatar
    corn flakes

    I feel the same about “American Idol”. I have gone to great lengths to never intentionally see a minute of it.
    One of my favorite things about my last girlfriend was that she had never seen the show at all, and couldn’t name any contestants ever. I bragged about that like she won a friggin Nobel peace prize.

    On a side note, i grew up in the 80’s and my mom didnt let me watch much tv. So i missed all those iconic movies of that decade (ET, Willy Wonka, Goonies, Beetlejuice, the Karate Kid, Gremlins, etc). It made it difficult at times to assimilate into society.

    1. MissBeckett Avatar
      MissBeckett

      I’ve seen one episode of American Idol, and that was more than enough for me.

      I’ve never seen Titanic either, and people have said they were going to make me watch it, but never came through with their threat. I don’t feel any void in my life having not seen it.

  11. Alli Avatar
    Alli

    I have seen Titanic, my friend cried for like 15 mins after the movie ended and wouldn’t leave. . .and then at the bar one time a couple of years after Titanic, I met an Englishman who told me “You are my Kate Winslet” and in his accent it was intoxicating.

    Now Jurassic Park I will NEVER see! My Dad has been trying for years to force me.

    1. candace Avatar
      candace

      I think I was there with you guys! When I went to see Titanic, at the end there was a group of about 15 teenage girls all standing at the front of the theater, hugging each other and sobbing.

      I must say, it was pretty funny.

      Actually I liked Titanic. I could think of MANY worse movies, such as “Bride of Chucky”, “Date Movie”, and “Night at the Roxbury”, all of which I saw under duress.

  12. Roland of Gilead Avatar
    Roland of Gilead

    Hmmm, I always thought that it was aErosmith. Perhaps aIrosmith is a cover band for ABBA?

  13. Julia Avatar
    Julia

    I have only seen bits and pieces of Titanic, but I have become very impressed with Leos ability (in other movies) to actually do accents well – unlike about 99.9% of American actors. Seriously, his Rhodesian accent in Blood Diamond was the only thing that was good in that movie.

    He also had a great[ERROR: COUNTRY NOT FOUND] accent in [ERROR: MOVIE NOT FOUND]. Just sayin.

    1. Larry Avatar
      Larry

      I saw Titanic, but not by choice. It was an anti-Leo thing. (BTW, I felt the same way about the Police and Duran Duran in the 80s because all the girls were fawning over Andrew or whoever it was….) I was sitting in a small lounge area at the airport in Fallon, Nevada, waiting for my passengers to arrive. Titanic was on the TV. So I saw it. I later saw another DiCaprio movie (another trip, but in my hotel room this time) – “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?”. I gained some respect for him as an actor from that movie. “Catch Me If You Can” is a favorite of both me and my wife. But Tom Hanks is probably the best part of that one. I guess I might have to see “Blood Diamond” now, too.

      1. Pianodan Avatar
        Pianodan

        Careful there… drmk was one of those fawning over Andrew Ridgely in the 80s. (Which is the only reason I know his last name)

      2. Hiyame Avatar
        Hiyame

        Blood Diamond is very, very awesome… I love that movie quite a lot, and it touches on an issue that people should know more about…

  14. Elle Avatar
    Elle

    Aw, I really liked the name “Lolo”!

    1. Elle Avatar
      Elle

      Sigh. Hit the wrong reply button. ISAC (I suck at commenting) on YSAC.

      1. drmk Avatar
        drmk

        There are two reply buttons — it’s confusing. Getting rid of the wrong one is on the to-do list.

        1. candace Avatar
          candace

          No, you should put in a couple extra just for fun! Keep us guessing…

    2. SwissKat Avatar
      SwissKat

      Lolo the Penguin Boy played the lead in a cartoon my generation grew up with, in a country you most likely never heard of.

  15. SockHead Avatar
    SockHead

    Actually I read it as “hazy eyes.” It brought a little giggle from me.

    1. SockHead Avatar
      SockHead

      Erm…that was supposed to be a reply to Amy H. Looks like I hit the wrong one, too.

      1. Larry Avatar
        Larry

        +1 for “Hazy Eyes”

      2. drmk Avatar
        drmk

        Removing the extraneous “reply” button is rapidly moving up the list of things to do.

  16. Middlerun Avatar
    Middlerun

    Maybe I’m pointing out something so obvious that no-one has bothered mentioning it, but I think that second ad is just a really awesome parody someone posted. It’s gone perfectly wrong in too many ways.

    1. drmk Avatar
      drmk

      Never attribute to parody that which can be attributed to stupidity.

      It’s the Occam’s Razor theory of Craigslist posting — it takes much more effort to make a good parody, so the simplest explanation is that it’s the result of stupidity.

  17. April Avatar
    April

    I read it as “Hazy Eyes.” :/ Maybe they’re drunk?

  18. Christine Avatar
    Christine

    Did they make this using some kind of madlib book (but with someone who doesn’t understand the parts of speech)

  19. Phil Avatar
    Phil

    You ladies are probably just jealous. You all obviously just are not his type. I’m going to hook him up with my sister. I hope he likes [ERROR: BAND NOT FOUND].

  20. You Suck at Kijiji Avatar
    You Suck at Kijiji

    500 cool points for using a venn diagram in a Suck post!

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  23. garbanzo12 Avatar
    garbanzo12

    Well i saw [ERROR: MOVIE NOT FOUND] about 3 times and the protagonist was stellar, I watched it with MIFFY and a LAID BACK GIRL.

    I love how it capitalizes randomly AIROSMITH I nearly cra**ed myself blind with laughter.

  24. conspiracywallaby Avatar
    conspiracywallaby

    Nope. I saw it. At the theatre. Although I did get up to go to the toilet just after it hit the iceberg and there was the constant sound of gushing water. I had gone to the pub beforehand. In fact as the ship went down and the lights began to flicker I came down with a migraine. By the time it sank I was in tears. I went home and promptly vommited for ten hours straight afterwards. I guess you could say it was a movie to be endured more than watched.

  25. jbentongross Avatar
    jbentongross

    I would just like to say to everyone who said they haven’t seen Titanic, not just here but people all over say it, that movie made over 1.8 billion dollars worldwide, unadjusted for inflation. I know that the three times I got dragged to see it helped, but I think some of you are lying.

  26. Lestomp Avatar
    Lestomp

    I haven’t seen Titanic and I plan on keeping it that way. Unfortunately I own a copy of Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band (Peter Frampton AND the Bee Gees!) so I won’t ever be cool anyway. Thanks for letting get that off my chest!

  27. Julia Avatar
    Julia

    Wow. The second, one with the rubber ducky, was just weird (Not to mention one of the worst spambots I have ever seen) Also, does anyone find it ironic that all the movies it lists, besides the “Error:movie not found” one, all the movies it lists are chick flicks?

  28. queensbee Avatar
    queensbee

    i’ve never seen titanic either. i know what happens, and, the boat sinks. the people die. screaming. thanks, i’ll pass.

  29. Cass Avatar
    Cass

    My favorite part about watching Titanic was when everyone clapped at the end. The ship sank, over a thousand people died…and they clapped. At a movie, as about half of them were still crying. Touching, really.

  30. Jane Avatar
    Jane

    I watched Titanic once, at the theatre. I was 10, and I remember wondering first if this movie ever ended, then thinking that there was too much kissing and boring talking, and then being horrified when the ship finally sank (the scene with a cute elderly couple in bed holding eachother as the water filled their room – traumatic!). So, I saw it once, and have no intention of seeing it again!

  31. Asphytic Avatar
    Asphytic

    I’m going to name my dog MIFFY. Not Miffy- MIFFY.

  32. WendyV Avatar
    WendyV

    Just found your site and I want you to know you’re not alone…I have also never seen Titanic and intend to keep it that way.

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  34. uwepuwe Avatar
    uwepuwe

    Well that’s [ERROR: OPINION NOT FOUND].

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