YSaC, Vol. 343: These sound like fine young drunken men.

2009 June 25

Private Beach Rental

Looking for a private beach to rent for a weekend retreat party. Must be noise friendly. Would like to rent from friday – sunday but would consider Sat-Sun. I’m not looking for a “beach house” in a beach town with uptight controlling town council. The property must have its own private beach on the water with sand without close neighbors. I don’t want Old Lady Neighborhood watch with nothing better to do with her remaining 186 days on this earth, Harry Homeowner Association with a piece of coal up his butt trying to make a diamond, or Miserable Husband with judgemental inlaws on another crappy beach vacation with extended families’ bratty kids forced by the wife; calling the 5Os or Rent a Cops on some mid 20-30 somethings having a good time. email for more details.

Pete sends this in, with a translation: “My drunken frat brothers and I would like to destroy your beach house, but we don’t want to be arrested, clean up, or have anyone know about it until after we leave. Also, Jimbo will be puking in your sink while Johnny D jumps from the roof into what he thought was a swimming pool, and your pants will later be sued off by his estate. If all of the masochistic homeowners wishing this fate upon themselves would form an orderly line to the right, I will be accepting bids shortly.”

30 Responses leave one →
  1. 2009 June 25
    corn flakes permalink

    ….may i suggest Mexico?

    Adores: 3
  2. 2009 June 25
    zombieBlanco permalink

    If only Freddie Frat boy was smart enough to see his future writ large in front of him:

    leave college → miserable husband → harry homeowner association → old man neighborhood watch → death

    Adores: 14
  3. 2009 June 25
    Lola permalink

    I think I lived next door to this guy and his flock of goons while they were going to law school, upstate. The neighbor in the garden flat had flowers and vegetable plants in containers in front of our brownstone and was involved in a “discussion” when one or more of the students’ guests utilized the planters for … you can guess.
    I now live in New York City and it’s quieter (at least where I am now, most of the time) than being next to Spoiled Fratboys R Us.

    Adores: 5
    • 2009 June 26
      jackie31337 permalink

      Aw, how nice of him to take time out of his busy life of study to water the garden. Or to provide quality organic fertilizer, as the case may be. Free of charge, no less!

      Adores: 5
    • 2010 April 19

      … and in Manhattan, nobody pees in the planters. That’s what the subways are for!

      Adores: 5
  4. 2009 June 25
    Colleen in MA permalink

    He sounds just like one of the partiers that rented a house in the neighborhood that I grew up in (the Hamptons in the ’80s). That house provided many fun opportunities for our spying games as kids. When the house owner returned in the fall the year-round adults in the neighborhood were chilly towards her to say the least. I think she was a little off. The amount of damage they caused didn’t seem to concern her. I never found out where she went during the summers.

    Thanks for the trip down memory lane, obnoxious party guy!

    Adores: 3
  5. 2009 June 25
    corn flakes permalink

    at mid 20-30 years old shouldnt you be old enough that you dont need to be deserted from respectable society in every direction to protect them from the mushroom cloud of your binge drinking.

    Adores: 3
    • 2009 June 25

      I was thinking that myself. I mean, I enjoy a good party, but this is a bit much. Most of us were more mature than these guys by 15 or so.

      Adores: 3
  6. 2009 June 25
    dogface permalink

    So, they’re in their mid 20s-30s and they’re still getting trashed like dumbass college freshmen? How classy.

    Adores: 4
  7. 2009 June 25

    why not just vaca out on some abandonded island and never come back? sounds good to me

    Adores: 6
    • 2011 July 17
      Silva "back from vacation" Noir permalink

      I say we dump them off at some random sandbar. Nothing to destroy, just sand.

      Adores: 7
      • 2011 July 17

        Dump them off? Hell, if we tell them it’s a sandBAR, they’ll go willingly.

        Adores: 10
  8. 2009 June 25

    I know I should be responding to the post, but I’m too busy laughing at the Michael jackson tribute over here:

    Adores: 1
  9. 2009 June 25
    bonni permalink

    Property “without close neighbors” = “we will be schmokin’ whatever we can buy or find.”

    Adores: 2
  10. 2009 June 26
    Count Blah permalink

    a) It always bugs me when people put up an ad to FIND something. If I had beachfront property I wanted to rent out, I wouldn’t comb through Craigslist in the desperate hope that someone posted an ad searching for exactly what I was offering. I’d be more likely to post an ad myself and get people to come to me. But I’m crazy like that.
    b) The poster really should’ve left it at “I’m looking to rent a beach house in a remote location.” This pedantic bitchery about “uptight controlling town councils” and “Old Lady Neighbourhood Watch” is a dead giveaway that the guy is a touchy, reactionary asshole who’s probably pissed off a lot of people before.

    Adores: 10
  11. 2009 June 29

    I dunno… I found my apartment that way… I posted exactly what I was looking for, and I got quite a few responses. One of them was actually a person, and had what I wanted. 🙂

    Adores: 3
  12. 2009 August 26
    Marko permalink

    I think this is my favorite part:

    “The property must have its own private beach on the water with sand”

    Are we a little unclear on the definition of “beach”?

    Adores: 14
  13. 2009 September 17
    zane permalink

    “Email for more details”

    So presumably he has further demands on the beach house owner. Or perhaps just pages and pages of memorable characters like Old Lady Neighborhood Watch, Young Master Washed up on the Beach Stinging Jellyfish, Larry the CPR-Certified Lifeguard, and other buzz harshers trying to keep Broseph J. Fratboy from getting his well-earned drink on

    Adores: 10
  14. 2010 April 19
    MandyCN permalink

    Geez… this guy’s ad is so passive-aggressive! “E-mail me for more details”??? I feel like smashing his head against the wall… Maybe that’s just me… LOL

    Adores: 2
    • 2010 April 19
      Sexy Fingers permalink

      Come join us in 641, Mandy. It’s what all the cool kids do.

      Adores: 0
  15. 2011 July 17

    Why, sure. I’ll just need a nominal security deposit — no, not that nominal, more like twice the last appraisal on the property. Now you 20-30-somethings have yourselves a good time.

    Adores: 4
  16. 2011 July 17

    Since we are talking about beaches, here’s a tale from my vacation:

    (at a small beach without lifeguards)

    Mrs.Sparky in a full wetsuit rather than a bathingsuit: I found a jellyfish!

    Mr.Sparky: Don’t they STING?

    Mrs.Sparky: This ones just a baby, babies don’t …. OW. They sting. (moments later) C’mon kids! want to see? (she’s still holding it) Hurry, this really hurts!

    Sparky kids rush over . One pipes up: I wanna hold it

    Mrs. Sparky lets her 2 year old girl hold the jellyfish. Mrs. Sparky : Ok, but wash your hands afterwards. And don’t let the stingers get on your animal crackers

    Me: (face-palming like you wouldn’t believe)

    Adores: 3
    • 2011 July 17
      Windrose permalink

      Outrageous. I get the feeling a few years later the kids had been placed in foster homes, Mr. Sparky was dead of an accidental gunshot wound to the head, and Mrs. Sparky was muttering over and over, “I didn’t know it was loaded” while enjoying her I Love Me jacket.

      Adores: 2
  17. 2011 July 17
    Windrose permalink

    Kinda wish someone could pull a scene out of Pinocchio, and send these guys to Pleasure Island. They can make asses of themselves and the world will be a better place.

    Adores: 2
  18. 2011 July 17

    Maybe they could rent Alcatraz and their return boat on Monday could just forget to arrive.

    Adores: 7
  19. 2011 July 17
    CapnMac permalink

    Yeah, and the scary part is Sparky has done this before.
    Like discovering that the reasons the beach is deserted and private is because the beach material is nicely sorted–just in 6-8″ cobbles; or in estuarine silt.

    Something tells me that Sparky is near insensate to others nearby as is; and only gets worse after “cutting loose” with his “bros” . . .

    I remember we met up with some folks like that–they were having a really great time until they found out that the beach they were on (the one that required scaling three separate fences) was deserted for our battalion-sized amphibious landing exercise . . .

    Certain fillip of extra-realism in that exercise, what with the Beach Master having a POW enclosure . . .

    Adores: 4
  20. 2011 July 17
    flip permalink

    I have the perfect beach for you Sparky…….

    Adores: 0
    • 2011 July 17
      Windrose permalink

      flip, I live in North San Diego County. I know that beach well. 8(

      Adores: 0
  21. 2011 July 18
    Windrose permalink

    Punchity Punch Punch Miss Sis and Miss Angel.

    G’Night, Malibu!

    Adores: 1

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