YSaC, Vol. 382: Heeere, leezard, leezard, leezard…

2009 August 3

Mummified Lizard!!! Perfect Condish!!!


Perfect Lizard Mummy!!! Circa 1997ish
I did not starve or harm this reptile. I Found her in an old broken car!
Will not run away from you!!!

Toes = 10
Fingers = 10
Tail = one complete
Eye sockets = two GOOD’URNS
Numerous other detailed parts that you would find on any of today’s Lizards.
Beautiful Collector Item!!!
No cracks, scratches or broken parts. 100% Complete!!!
377

This one was sent by Blake who points out that it was listed in the barter section, without any particular indication of what the poster wanted in trade.

Frankly, I’m not sure I want to know. Perhaps they would like a nice raccoon?

For that matter, I want to know why the poster is referring to this lizard as “her”? I suppose after conducting a detailed lizard inventory to produce the post (Toes? 10. Fingers? 10. Eye sockets? two GOOD’URNS!) he may have collected enough other data to infer a gender. Then again, I’m not sure how you’d figure that out for a LIVE lizard.

I’m glad it has all the parts one would expect on one of today’s lizards. I know some traditionalists scoff at all the newfangled gewgaws on modern lizards, but I for one support the march of progress as it applies to dessicated reptiles. (I am somewhat stunned, however, by the rare correct use of an apostrophe in “today’s lizards.”)

77 Responses leave one →
  1. 2009 August 3
    Windrose permalink

    I’d be interested, if it weren’t so difficult to find those mummified flies to feed her. I’d name her Lindsey.

    Adores: 6
  2. 2009 August 3

    I’d name her Alli – as in Alli Gator since that is what it looks like.

    A dull, boring dead alligator brought to you by the various preserving agents found in cars and car cleaners. LOL.

    Does the car come with? I mean, I’d need a place to put her and all, and she is used to the environment of the ol’ clunker and all that.

    Plus I love how they’ve placed it on some artificial leaf that already looks a little ambiguous in terms of the SIZE of the ‘foliage’ they’ve put poor Alli on. I suspect it’s some kind of Fakis palmus, a species simialarly related to Fakis ficus, so it could be a 3-4 foot tree, making the possible size of our poor Alli maybe a foot in length since she does have a curled up tail posture and all that lol.

    But on the plus side, naming it Alli would be cool, I mean if in fact it turned out to be a male, you could just shorten the name to Al I. Gator…

    Adores: 2
  3. 2009 August 3

    this person doesn’t suck at craigslist–that’s a damn good description of a decayed lizard.

    Adores: 7
    • 2009 August 3
      drmk permalink

      That’s why we’ve instituted a new tag — “possibly awesome”.

      Adores: 5
      • 2009 August 3

        This one is very definitely possibly awesome. The details, the proper grammar and punctuation, the reference to “today’s lizards” (hee) … all awesome, and YET it’s an ad for a damn lizard mummy. With a picture of said lizard mummy. The hell?

        Adores: 7
        • 2009 August 3
          drmk permalink

          Exactly our line of thinking.

          Adores: 6
      • 2009 August 3
        D / DM permalink

        I agree completely.

        I also think the “bowl of cereal” post should get the “possibly awesome” tag… but this one is far more (maybe) better.

        Adores: 1
        • 2009 August 3
          D / DM permalink

          By the by, there is a way to sex live lizards, although I’m not sure it would work with dried-up dead ones. Reptiles of both sexes have something called a cloaca, within which lie the reproductive and excretory organs.

          Adores: 1
  4. 2009 August 3

    Is there a very big market for dessicated liazrd corpses?

    Adores: 2
    • 2009 August 3
      D / DM permalink

      You would think not, but actually, you’d be right.

      Adores: 11
  5. 2009 August 3
    mudslicker permalink

    “…Today’s lizards”..?

    I’m sure they’ve jumped exponentially on the Evolutionary Scale since CARS were invented! How much can only be determined by the year the car was made…or the terminus ante quem date the poor thing met its demise.

    Adores: 1
  6. 2009 August 3
    Fischerman permalink

    The word circa ususally means an approximate date. How uncertain of the date is he to post “circa 1997ish”? 1990? 2007?

    Adores: 3
    • 2009 August 3
      D / DM permalink

      The poster found the lizard in “an old broken car”– probably at a junkyard or covered in grass in a now deceased relative’s yard. I can see how the date of death could be uncertain.

      Adores: 1
  7. 2009 August 3
    kristen55 permalink

    Jeeze, I found a dried up old mouse in my shed, maybe I should put it on CL. I had no idea they were going for..well, what exactly? If only he’d set a price, there might be a whole new market out there for dessicated critters!

    Adores: 6
    • 2009 August 3

      Well, it WAS under “Barter” – maybe you can trade!
      Is your mouse in “perfect condish”??

      Adores: 5
  8. 2009 August 3
    Heather permalink

    *I did not starve or harm this reptile*

    Does that mean that a large number of available mummified lizards are victims of horrific animal abuse? I wonder if PETA is investigating…

    On a more serious note: EWWWWW!

    Adores: 3
    • 2009 August 3
      D / DM permalink

      PETA started to investigate this, but they realized that the bombs they were using on the homes and businesses of people who were forcibly mummifying lizards actually did more harm than good, in that they frequently killed entire colonies of bees inside walls.

      Adores: 9
  9. 2009 August 3
    woofless permalink

    Not only is this ad possibly awesome, Dan’s commentary is awesome as well. I’ve decided to officially add the word “gewgaws” to my daily lexicon.

    Hot Christ! Thanks for the new gewgaws, YSaC!

    Adores: 5
  10. 2009 August 3
    Lola permalink

    Liking the new tags. WTF x possibly awesome nails it.

    Adores: 3
  11. 2009 August 3
    Ryan permalink

    Depending on species, sexing lizards can be fairly easy. Not sure about dried lizards, though.

    Adores: 1
    • 2009 August 3

      Hee, I know what “sexing” actually means in this context, but I can’t help thinking of some poor Craigslister trying to get it on with a lizard mummy (complete with satin sheets and Color Me Badd playing in the background). I’m sorry, I’m twelve.

      Adores: 12
  12. 2009 August 3
    Em M. permalink

    “Will not run away from you!!!”

    Ah, the many selling points of mummified lizards. That and the two GOOD’URNS for eyesockets.

    Adores: 5
    • 2009 August 3
      Pianodan permalink

      See, I wasn’t sure if that meant the lizard wouldn’t run away or the seller wouldn’t run away. Either is possibly awesome.

      Adores: 9
  13. 2009 August 3

    I’d be interested to see how this lizard was going to be transported to the buyer. Wrapped up in bubblewrap and thrown into a box for the post office to destroy?

    Adores: 3
  14. 2009 August 3
    janesays permalink

    I have a turtle, a scorpion and a frog in the same condition. I think all of mine trump lizard, esp. the frog which still retains its eyeballs in the sockets (this is rare! Only found when mummification conditions involve certain extreme environmental conditions and chemical residue!) so if this guy wants to barter he’ll have to up the ante a bit… maybe toss in a nice stag beetle or giant cecropia moth or something…

    Awesome listing. ^5

    Adores: 2
    • 2009 August 3
      Pianodan permalink

      See, turtle and scorpion often trump lizard, but people rarely bid frog, since it’s a minor suit, and you have to go up to the five level for game.

      Adores: 13
  15. 2009 August 3
    Lainie permalink

    I have been looking for something like this. All of my pets run away from me, this one won’t be able to leave me- EVER!
    Though im not sure if this lizard can compete with “today’s lizards”, that’s some tough competition. And thank GOD, the eyesockets are GOOD’URNS, I was pretty concerned about that. And the last mummified lizard I had only had half a tail. What a loser. This one has a *complete* tail! Please oh please be in the Atlanta area!

    Adores: 5
  16. 2009 August 3
    Lauren permalink

    Just the fact that the poster feels the need to say, “I did not starve or harm this reptile,” and ” Will not run away from you!!!” makes me think that one of those sentences is a lie.

    Adores: 4
    • 2009 August 3

      Intact tail means he didn’t try to catch the lizard.

      Trust me on this. I have cats.

      Adores: 3
      • 2009 August 4
        Cled permalink

        Confirm. As a child, I had a lizard tail collection.

        Adores: 4
  17. 2009 August 3
    iwn2000 permalink

    I’m too distracted by the fact that the poster abbreviated “perfect condish,” but then added THREE exclamation points — thus typing the same number of characters as he would have if he had just written “perfect condition!” It’s like when people actually say “O.M.G.” out loud, even though it has three syllables, exactly as many as it takes to say “Oh my god.” I no longer understand my own culture! OMG!

    Adores: 3
    • 2009 August 3
      D / DM permalink

      “Perfect condish” is a Rachael Ray reference. Didn’t you see the episode about her delish $6.00 dried lizard salad?

      Adores: 3
      • 2009 August 3

        I’m not interested in it unless you drizzle the lizard in EVOO.

        Adores: 3
        • 2009 August 4
          D / DM permalink

          Yummo!

          Adores: 2
    • 2011 January 15
      Ziaheart permalink

      Late… but…

      [coreyithink?] [oɛmʣi] versus. [omajgɑd]. O.M.G and oh my god both have three syllables, yes. But O.M.G has 5 phonemes ([ʣ] sounds like the letter J and counts as one) whereas oh my god has 6; 7 if you count the diphthong as two segments. So it’s still shorter. 😛 [/coreymaybe?]

      Adores: 1
      • 2011 January 15
        Addicted Reader permalink

        Yay learning stuff!

        Adores: 0
      • 2011 January 18
        monkeypizzasonic permalink

        Also, you can pretend you’re not taking the Lord’s name in vain.

        “What? No Sister Mary, I meant Oh My Goodness! Or Oh My Google! Or Oh My Georgewashington!”

        Adores: 0
  18. 2009 August 3
    Lauren O permalink

    For that matter, I want to know why the poster is referring to this lizard as “her”?

    Is there any reason to assume it’s male rather than female? I’m not a lizard professor, but I don’t think the males outnumber the females. It’s just as likely to be a lady as it is to be a dude.

    Adores: 1
  19. 2009 August 3

    I actually find it kind of funny, aside from the word “condish” in the title, which curls my toes. Oh, and the exclamation mark freakshow bonanza.

    Adores: 1
  20. 2009 August 3

    This is awesome. We have a dried toad in perfect “condish”. The lack of any scale marker makes me think this thing is wee, though – plus it looks like an anole, and they don’t get very big. If I’m going to be buying mummified things off the internet, they need to be big enough to stick in a display case.

    Adores: 3
  21. 2009 August 4
    corn flakes permalink

    So this completes my museum of mummified animals.
    If anyone wants to visit, I can post the junkyard where the museum is located.
    It’s awesome, like a really boring zoo.

    Adores: 5
  22. 2009 August 4
    RequiredName permalink

    Anyone here visit Go Fug Yourself? You know how they have those polls where you can vote fug or fab? I think it would be fun to have the same thing on here. Awesome or Awful? Or maybe Suck or… uh… Doesn’t Suck? Hmm, not quite as catchy.
    Anyway, I vote awesome on this one. If I were in the market for mummified lizards (or mummified ANYTHING for that matter) I would definitely be contacting this person!

    Adores: 1
    • 2009 August 7
      D / DM permalink

      Nah.

      I like the sense of round-table discussion here. We’re all here to be as funny as we can be. I think YSaC works well this way, without gimmicks cluttering it up.

      Adores: 4
  23. 2009 August 26
    StarryNight permalink

    I’m posting this a few days too late, but happy 1 year anniversary YSaC!

    Adores: 2
  24. 2011 January 15

    Numerous other detailed parts that you would find on any of today’s Lizards.

    If it’s all the same to you, I’ll wait until the Dessicated Lizard LTE is released.

    Adores: 8
    • 2011 January 15
      Camille permalink

      Yeah, I’m betting this model of lizard doesn’t even have built-in WiFi.

      Adores: 4
      • 2011 January 15

        And you can just forget about Bluetooth.

        Adores: 2
      • 2011 January 15
        Laurelhach permalink

        I can never figure out where to put the memory card.

        Adores: 3
  25. 2011 January 15
    sarajean80 permalink

    :waves arms around:

    Whoooo!!!1!1!!

    I am from the future!

    The currency of individual nations has been replaced with an international currency of dehydrated reptiles! Stockpile those dessicated lizards and you could be a millionaire.

    Adores: 13
    • 2011 January 15
      LimeLolly permalink

      If only I had known. I would have scraped off that dead lizard from the corner of the door. Blue ones are worth more, right?

      Adores: 5
      • 2011 January 15
        Windrose permalink

        Only if they have all their toes and naughty bits. Better check!

        Adores: 6
        • 2011 January 15
          christina permalink

          Geckos had a bad summer here. I scraped at least 10 squished lizards off the back door. I think we might still have one back there.
          What’s the depreciation on a flat lizard?

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 January 15
          Addicted Reader permalink

          Inflation should negate the depreciation.

          Adores: 2
    • 2011 January 15

      Take me to your lizard.

      Adores: 5
      • 2011 January 15
        sarajean80 permalink

        Just follow the yellow brick road, it’ll take you directly to the Lizard of Odd.

        Adores: 7
      • 2011 January 15
        Irregular Fractal permalink

        Here, leezard leezard leezard…

        Adores: 1
        • 2011 January 15
          Windrose permalink

          Hey, there’s an echo in here!

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 January 15
          Irregular Fractal permalink

          Looks more like a gecko to me.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 January 15
          LimeLolly permalink

          *glick*

          Adores: 2
    • 2011 January 15
      Ziaheart permalink

      What about dehydrated arachnids? I have a perfectly good condish pregnant black widow here somewhere…

      Oh and condish makes me think salt and pepper for some reason. Yummerz.

      Adores: 2
    • 2011 January 18
      monkeypizzasonic permalink

      How much do bearded dragons go for on the market nowadays?

      It’s still good as long as long as it’s only been half-eaten, right?

      Do dinosaurs count as reptiles in this case?

      Adores: 1
  26. 2011 January 15
    Windrose permalink

    And the top side ad has matched the post. Hybrid Reptile Environments. Very cool. A little too much for this lizard, however.

    Adores: 4
  27. 2011 January 15

    One dish, two dish
    cop dish, con dish

    Adores: 8
  28. 2011 January 15
    Mindfield permalink

    Somehow “post” was highlighted when I hit enter. Pretend this doesn’t exist, ‘cos I’m still working on something.

    Adores: 4
  29. 2011 January 15
    Mindfield permalink

    I would like to present you the facts
    I’ve taken stock, and it’s got no cracks
    No broken parts, no scratches — complete!
    Ten toes and fingers on its hands and its feet

    Dried out lizard
    Q’est-ce que c’est?
    Fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fab! Better
    Take take take take take it away
    Oh oh oh!

    It’s got two eye sockets and I must say they’re GOOD’URNS!
    It’s got a complete tail, but it won’t wag anymore
    Numerous other parts, it’s quite detailed
    I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again

    Dried out lizard
    Q’est-ce que c’est?
    Fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fab! Better
    Take take take take take it away
    Oh oh oh!

    Ce que je vends ce soir
    Ce que vous achetez ce soir
    C’est un lézard desséché
    Il ne vous quittera jamais … okay
    Ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya
    It’s a real collectors piece
    I found him in an old broken car!

    Dried out lizard
    Q’est-ce que c’est?
    Fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fab! Better
    Take take take take take it away
    Oh oh oh!

    Dried out lizard
    Q’est-ce que c’est?
    Fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fab! Better
    Take take take take take it away
    Oh oh oh!
    Ay ya ya ya ya!

    Adores: 8
    • 2011 January 15
      LimeLolly permalink

      Where do I buy tickets for this concert?

      Adores: 3
  30. 2011 January 15
    CoffDrop permalink

    Lizard on a rock

    Warming up with five push-ups

    Followed by a sprint

    Adores: 6
  31. 2011 January 15
    christina permalink

    Nostalgic moment: This was the first YSaC post I ever linked to. Appropriately enough, it was in a parody of ‘My Favorite Things’ that I wrote about internet sites to waste large quantities of life on.

    Adores: 6
  32. 2011 January 15
    Addicted Reader permalink

    The lack of scale makes that picture even weirder.

    Adores: 2
  33. 2011 January 15
    Windrose permalink

    In other news, I’m home again after a day in the car traveling hither and also yon. By some strange random happenstance, we happened to be driving by a grocery store parking lot, when what did my wondering eyes see? The Wienermobile! Honest! Mike pulled into the lot, we took pictures, talked to the nice ladies who were driving it across country, and I looked inside. Awesome. And we each got whistles! Check Facebook later for photos. 8)

    Adores: 1
  34. 2011 January 16
    Windrose permalink

    Stop the car, I have to Punch Taco! what? Oh, sorry, I must have been dreaming we were still in the car.

    TacoMagic, and all the things, Punchity Punch Punch!

    G’Night, San Antonio!

    Adores: 0

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