YSaC, Vol. 415: Billy, PLEASE lose my number!
2009 September 5
Billy wants to cuddle – m4w
Billy saw you in #########, at the gas station. You gave Billy your number, but then you never answered Billy’s texts or private call hang-ups.
Billy saw you a week later on 110 in the middle of the night.
You told Billy’s colleague for Billy to leave you alone. Billy didn’t like that.
All Billy wanted to do was tuck you in.
Maybe I’m hearing this wrong. The obvious interpretation of this would be a hulking, toothless, obese redneck in overalls. You can hear it, right? Someone from Central Casting right out of “Deliverance.”
But maybe this isn’t the right approach. Wanna be REALLY creeped out?
Picture it being said by Christopher Walken.
You can blame Andrew for submitting this nightmare. Thanks Andrew!
From the Future Posts department:
Billy saw you in the cafeteria. Billy gave you his cell number, but never heard from you. Billy got your name tattooed on his chest.
Billy saw you again in the shower. Billy dropped the soap, but you did nothing. Billy didn’t like that.
All Billy wanted to do was spend thirty to life with you.
This is so textbook creepy that I’m choosing to believe it’s a joke.
I think I’ll go watch the episode of Seinfeld where Elaine dates that guy who talks about himself in the third person. Then I’ll shower for about three days while curled up in the foetal position, rocking back and forth.
Jimmy!
that was the first thing I thought of as well…
“Jimmy likes Elaine”
“Jimmy’s new in town and doesn’t know anybody”
“Jimmy would like to get to know you”
George like spicy chicken!
Oh Billy! Now that I’ve read this, I’ve completely changed my mind! I so want you to tuck me in and be obsessed with me. And btw, you had me at the first time you talked in third person.
Guys who talk about themselves in the third person get me hot.
I’ve also been looking for someone to abduct me and keep me captive in their basement.
Call me, Billy! 😉
I was fine til Walken got in my head. Now I’ll never get to sleep. Thanks so much.
Billy’s Axis II symptoms are getting out of hand.
Billy asked you nicely; now Billy will demand.
Billy wants to tuck you in, he wants to see you sleep.
Billy will slip inside your house, silently he will creep,
Tenderly he’ll touch your hair, Billy knows the way,
And in the world where all is dark, you and Billy will forever stay.
(That last line is crap. I am so disappointed. Help, anyone?)
Uh –ummm. Okay, okay!
And in the world where all is dark, Billy smashes your head in like it was clay!
No, no, no.
Okay, okay,
You shiver with anticipation and Billy asks, “Are you okay?”
Oh, no, no.
Sigh. I give up. Next!
But Billy’s scheme is foiled by a quart of pepper spray.
(Had to put a happy ending in there so Mr. Walken will stay out of my dreams.)
Brilliant! I love poems that end with an unexpected twist. I vote for this one as the new ending.
Tenderly he’ll touch your hair, as only Billy can
And hold the pillow (over your face) until he is your man.
Gruesome.
Definitive. Thanks!
…Puts me in mind of Robert Browning’s “Porphyria’s Lover”:
“I am quite sure she felt no pain.”
(Also, “And yet God has not said a word!”)
Browning is such an underrated poet these days.
What is a “private call hang-up”?
As far as I can tell, it’s when somebody decide to prank somebody by calling from a private number and then hangs when you answer. Which if that’s the case, Billy wouldn’t really have the chance to hang up on him/her because nobody answered. So then Billy’s calls were just weird private number harassment and he just identified himself. Or something like that.
Is this a Psychotic Letters from Men reject or something? I think nobody will be surprised if the next ad is something like this:
All Billy wanted to do was tuck you in. How was Billy to know you didn’t want to come home to find Billy naked in your bed when you came home from work? That you didn’t want Billy to take things from your house to remember you by? That you didn’t think that your pets and your “boyfriend” were in the way of the love you and Billy share? Now Billy is in prison. Billy is getting tucked in by another inmate. Billy doesn’t like being tucked in by Spider. Billy mad. BILLY SMASH!
P.S.
There’s totally no artistic license used in that post. Nope. None at all.
Yes, but would your Deliverance character be able to spell “colleague” correctly? That’s the part the makes the post even creepier for me. Ted Bundy creepy. Thanks – I’m off to hide under the covers now.
Yes! Is it weird that I would have been less creeped out if the ad had the usual CL-trademark mispellings and weird punctuation. There’s not even a stray comma!
Yes, yes, yes! The lack of spelling and punctuation errors raises the creepiness factor exponentially. I am just grateful for the strange preposition in “You told Billy’s colleague for Billy to leave you alone.” That is the only part of this that is saving me from a week of nightmares.
Yep, someobody is getting killed and taxidermied at Billy’s place.
(and yes i did make-up that past tense action verb form of taxidermy.)
Look out! – he has an apostrophe!
Oh, come on.
Billy did done sent da email to jim which put da words together,,, jim sent put together words to his 2nd cousins wifes dogs uncle,,, who reordered put together words,,, sent new ordered words to big sis (formerly big bro), who cleaned up the text a bit and sent the resulting text to her (his) new boyfriend, who put it all through the shredder and completely re-wrote the text in a completely new legible and understandable format, completely at odds with your run of the mills CL ads (and very probably violating CL’s terms of use).
See?
There isn’t really one person to make you worry…
…there are many.
OK, comment fail:
“new, legible” and “run of the mill”
(That was supposed to be the decently-written bit, but now that I’ve just spelled that out, it kind of kills it, ne?)
Actually, I’m thinking “mills” is right. CL must require several mills running full-time.
Oh, come on. Where would Billy get $2 to pay Jim to put the words together? Unless they cut a special deal. Hmmm.
For those that are bothered by it, my apologies for the “illegal” use of ellipses (though I confess that I regularly use them this way, despite knowing it is incorrect — it is one of the few language rules I don’t pay much attention to (and there’s another); I usually place the ellipses in brackets if it is indicating a missing word or words).
I think that’s strong evidence that this is a prank. Nobody can simultaneously be that creepy and articulate.
“Nobody can simultaneously be that creepy and articulate.”
Unfortunately, they can. Cf. The Ted Bundy reference above.
Billys getting angry!
Oddly, I know a creepy guy named Billy and there’s a Hwy 110 here…..
Lock your doors and try not to think about it.
Ladies, dating tip #1: Do not date or give your number to men in gas stations.
I’m guessing she gave him a number; not necessarily hers. I’ve been guilty of this as well. Sometimes it’s safer than saying no.
YES. Today’s safe-living advice is to come up with a nonfake-sounding fake telephone number and practice rattling it off in a polite way. (Also, use “90210” if a store clerk wants to classify you by zipcode. Also, trade yer Kroger cards around so that the databases get upset that you bought tofu for three months running and then went on a flank steak binge.) Well, anyway, the first tip will keep you safe from marriage-proposing cabdrivers. Muahahaha.
Strange, I’m picturing the infamous “boob scene” from Midnight Express.
“Oh BILLY!!!”
Do they really have Internet access in prison?
I’m wondering if this is actually a confession. Perhaps he is using the past tense because when he saw her on 110 in the middle of the night he dispatched her into the past tense.
Also, I love the ability to edit my post!
Hmmm. I may be missing something obvious here, but how do you edit your post (I assume you mean after it has been submitted)?
You have five minutes after it’s submitted. There is a smallish EDIT link near the bottom of your post, toward the bottom left corner, I think.
EDIT: It says “Click to Edit”, just under the “Current Score”.
Ah, thanks. I was looking for something along those lines, but obviously I couldn’t see it.
Actually, now that I see it, that definitely wasn’t there when I posted from home last night.
I am now posting from work (ish), and I get the edit bit, but when I attempt to edit, it says I don’t have permission (’tis not a firewall issue, though; perhaps a LAN issue?).
Oh well, I guess I’ll just have to actually pay attention to whatever gibberish I’m posting beforehand. I’m so old skewl.
billy escaped from the mental institute. billy didn’t like it there.
I had a friend named Billy who refered to himself in the third person, we were six years old when he did it but it was still creepy none the less.
Also, when I first read this I had a mix of Christopher Walken and Jared Harris’ character from Fringe, with a bit of Hannibal Lecter every time I read “Billy.” I don’t think I’ll bee sleeping for a few weeks.
Fringe reference. Marry me!
( I can propose in third person if it helps)
It might a bit, but I think my fiance might be hurt. Especially since he introduced me to the show.
It puts the lotion on it’s skin…
That was a though of mine as well! All I can picture when I read this is Buffalo Bill dancing around with his package tucked. *Shudder*
Me too! I have a hard time watching Ted Levine on ‘Monk’ without that scene going through my head.
Actually, reading it with Christopher Walken’s voice in my head makes it kinda funny. Walken is a creepy SOB, but he’s funny as hell… Billy is just plain creey.
I didn’t think redneck when I read this, I thought creepy teenage boy in a school uniform with a knife. Oh, and an English accent. That makes anything creepy.
The first thing I thought of was Lennie from Of Mice and Men. All he wanted to do was pet the soft coat of rabbits…
Me too.
Billy thought your hair looked so soft and silky. Won’t you let Billy stroke your soft hair?
Y’know, the first person I thought of was Forrest Gump. Just imagine him saying this in all the Jenny scenes.
All Billy wanted to do was tuck you in… for a dirt nap?
The first thing that popped into my head when I read this was, ” I hope the girl sees this.” followed by “Tell me what I texted the 15th time so that I know it’s you.”.
This is the kind of story you see on late night documentary channels. Some haggard detective working hard to solve the inexplicable death of some beautiful and talented girl. With only this as a clue.
There should be a branch of Homeland Security dedicated to finding weirdos on Craigslist.
What makes you think there’s not?
If there is they’re working with all the efficency you’d expect from a government organization.
Wow – I always wondered what became of Jimmy Carter’s brother…
I blame Sesame Street, and Elmo, for people talking in the third person like this. Maybe Elmo doesn’t deserve that, but it helps.
Speaking of which, try imagining this in Elmo’s voice. I can’t decide if that makes it much creepier or not.
This posting made Britt think of Bob Dole.
Britt didn’t like that.
Britt, consider yourself pelted with doors. I regret that I have but one door to give for your comment.
earworm – on Deliverance theme……….
hahaha, i pictured christopher walken first.
Holy crap! After re-reading that ad and thinking of it in Christopher Walken’s voice, it IS way creepier.