YSaC, Vol. 442: Philip Glass sells a table.

2009 October 2

u know what. i got it! free deals!


i got a red table for sale! take it for free!i got a red table for sale! take it for free!i got a red table for sale! take it for free!i got a red table for sale! take it for free!i got a red table for sale! take it for free!i got a red table for sale! take it for free!i got a red table for sale! take it for free!i got a red table for sale! take it for free!i got a red table for sale! take it for free!i got a red table for sale! take it for free!i got a red table for sale! take it for free!i got a red table for sale! take it for free!i got a red table for sale! take it for free!i got a red table for sale! take it for free!i got a red table for sale! take it for free!i got a red table for sale! take it for free!i got a red table for sale! take it for free!i got a red table for sale! take it for free!i got a red table for sale! take it for free!i got a red table for sale! take it for free!i got a red table for sale! take it for free!

This may seem like someone who is just a LITTLE too enthusiastic about selling a table, but I think it’s actually the leaked libretto for Philip Glass’ latest six hour magnum opus: “I got a red table for sale!”

Although that explanation ignores the fact that this poster seems confused about the various conflicting implications of “for sale,” and “take it for free.”

Thanks for sending this in, Teri! Thanks for sending this in, Teri! Thanks for sending this in, Teri! Thanks for sending this in, Teri! Thanks for sending this in, Teri!

[Edited by drmk to add: I wrote an opera once. It's chronicled here.]

72 Responses leave one →
  1. 2009 October 2
    ??? permalink

    I sat and read this whole ad VERY carefully, waiting for the hidden message. It’s not there.

    Adores: 13
  2. 2009 October 2
    Ed Snyder permalink

    My head hurts. White space is my friend.

    Adores: 2
  3. 2009 October 2

    Someone’s brain is stuck on stupid.

    I can almost imagine reading this ad with a funky beat behind it.

    Adores: 11
    • 2009 October 2
      Cled permalink

      Almost?

      OK, first tap your hand gently on the table on ONE and raise it for the two three. Ready? ONE two three ONE two three ONE two three ONE two three

      Got it? Fine!

      Now keep tapping and say this practice sentence in 3/4 time: Laverne wears an L on her tops Shir ley does not. Laverne wears an L on her tops Shir ley does not.

      Good so far? Now here we go, back to our text, ready everyone? ONE two three ONE two three ONE two i GOT a red TA ble for SALE TAKE it for FREE. i GOT a red TA ble for SALE TAKE it for FREE. i GOT a red TA ble for SALE TAKE it for FREE. i GOT a red TA ble for SALE TAKE it for FREE. i GOT a red TA ble for SALE TAKE it for FREE.

      See? It fairly sings, I tell you.

      Adores: 55
      • 2010 February 20
        Jorgen permalink

        yeah, I was rocking out to this one.

        Adores: 1
      • 2010 July 1
        Janellionaire permalink

        That was entertaining to a ridiculous degree. My thanks.

        Adores: 1
    • 2009 October 2
      Tacomagic permalink

      Isn’t “Free Red Table” the name of a band?

      Adores: 3
      • 2009 October 2
        queensbee permalink

        is it a COMMIE table perhaps?

        Adores: 3
      • 2009 October 2
        geeklove permalink

        If it isn’t, I’ll take it. Our first album “Take It For Free” will be a hit.

        Adores: 9
        • 2009 October 2
          Lola permalink

          You might not make any money off of it though – people will confuse the title for an instruction, per “Steal This Book!” etc.

          Adores: 5
        • 2009 October 2
          Igor The Vigorous permalink

          Lola, it might also decrease the profits prostitutes are receiving.

          Adores: 0
    • 2009 October 4
      DooeyD permalink

      I’m hearing the start of a fun new techno song. I bet Strong Bad could really make something of this, a la “The System is Down.”

      Adores: 3
  4. 2009 October 2
    My Evil Twin permalink

    Well, (s)he does say deals, so I gather (s)he has 21 red tables for sale. The price for the tables are undisclosed, but the buyer is allowed to take it away for free.

    Possible uses for said red tables:
    Snorting lines of coke, cooking up some meth, laying out and making pretty patterns out of 374 various “happy” pills, mixing aforementioned “happy” pills with Irish coffee (sans coffee), posting ads on Craigslist.

    YMMV.

    Adores: 19
  5. 2009 October 2
    sarajean80 permalink

    I wonder what color the table is? I don’t think it was mentioned.

    Adores: 7
  6. 2009 October 2
    JcT permalink

    “Wow, nice table. How much is it?”
    “Take it for free!”
    “So I can just take it? Now?”
    “I have a red table for sale!”
    “Oh, it IS for sale? Ok, how much is it?
    “Take it for free!”
    -picks it up, starts walking out-
    “I have a red table for sale!”
    “I thought you said it was free???”
    “I have a red table for sale!”
    –six hours later–
    “Tell me how much you want for this table or I shoot you right here!”
    “Take it for free!”
    -*-*- BLAM -*-*-

    Adores: 56
    • 2009 October 2

      Will he deliver for free?

      Adores: 4
      • 2009 October 2
        queensbee permalink

        here’s the thing… the table is free, but delivery is a squadrillion buckaroos.

        Adores: 3
  7. 2009 October 2
    neverfirst permalink

    It’s got a good beat and you can dance to it. I’ll give it a 73. – American Bandstand.

    Adores: 8
  8. 2009 October 2
    MsDolfinn permalink

    I really need to purchase a red table for free. Any ideas where I can find one?

    Adores: 9
  9. 2009 October 2
    Tacomagic permalink

    Actually, I think this is a genuine Ewan McTeagle! Not since ‘Can I have fifty pounds to mend the shed?’ has McTeagle produced such an allogorical powerhouse. Yes indeed I think ‘i got a red table for sale! take it for free!’ will be the cornerstone of his Craigslist period.

    Adores: 14
    • 2009 October 2
      Shark Blank permalink

      I could see John Cleese doing something with this, even though it was Eric in the sketch. Cleese has the right voice for it I think.

      Adores: 4
      • 2009 October 2
        queensbee permalink

        it’s everybit pythonic. i’m trying not to snork my coffee on my screen…..

        Adores: 1
    • 2009 October 2

      To my ear, it smacks of W. C. Williams:

      So much depends
      upon a red table
      i got for sale

      take it for free
      it is delicious
      so sweet

      and so cold

      Adores: 32
      • 2009 October 2
        Tacomagic permalink

        In Japan they do it:

        Table for free sale
        It has the color of blood
        Maybe free, or not

        Adores: 36
        • 2009 October 2
          mudslicker permalink

          John Keats does it:

          Ode on a Red Table

          Heard melodies are sweet, but those unheard
          Are sweeter; I got a red table for sale!
          (O Attic shape!?)
          Take it for free! —that is all
          Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know!

          Copious apologies to Keats. Love the Haiku Tacomagic. Hehe

          Adores: 22
      • 2009 October 2
        Lola permalink

        My little English major (BA and MA, yes, I’m a lit geek) heart has been loving the poetry references these past few days.

        Adores: 0
        • 2009 October 2
          mudslicker permalink

          You’re like Ralph Fiennes and his Herodotus.

          R.I.F.!

          Adores: 1
      • 2009 October 2
        JcT permalink

        For Lola’s Dr. Seuss fix:

        It’s a table, it’s red, for sale, you see,
        It’s lots of money, so much, it’s free!
        Did I mention before, the table is red?
        And maybe before, it’s free, I said?
        The table is red and you can have it for free!
        Just bring lots of money and give it to me!
        I want to remind you that the red table’s for sale,
        If you take it for free I’ll send you to jail!
        The red table here is just what you need!
        It might be free but I’ve got family to feed!
        It’s red and…

        My brain is beginning to wrap around itself like a mobius strip. I am not capable of continuing… continuing… continuing…

        Adores: 45
        • 2009 October 2
          Lola permalink

          Step away from the red table and the rhymes, slowly, and I’m sure you’ll be fine. Please don’t sacrifice your brain or anything else on my behalf, much as I do find it amusing (the rhymes, not loss of sanity).

          Adores: 1
  10. 2009 October 2
    Heather permalink

    my eyes! please take them out of my skull! my eyes! please take them out of my skull! my eyes! please take them out of my skull! my eyes! please take them out of my skull! my eyes! please take them out of my skull! my eyes! please take them out of my skull! my eyes! please take them out of my skull! my eyes! please take them out of my skull! my eyes! please take them out of my skull! my eyes! please take them out of my skull! my eyes! please take them out of my skull! my eyes! please take them out of my skull! my eyes! please take them out of my skull! my eyes! please take them out of my skull! my eyes! please take them out of my skull! my eyes! please take them out of my skull! my eyes! please take them out of my skull! my eyes! please take them out of my skull! my eyes! please take them out of my skull! my eyes! please take them out of my skull!

    Adores: 38
  11. 2009 October 2
    Just Me permalink

    I’m picturing this ad being chanted with a funky little bongo thing goin’ on in the background. Then for applause, the black-turtleneck-wearing-audience appreciatively snaps their fingers.

    Adores: 17
    • 2009 October 2

      My brain must be shorting out, because I initially ready that as “Then for applesauce…” And I must be reading too much YSaC, because it kind of made sense. I could see Philip Glass or the hippie bongo players performing for applesauce.

      Adores: 10
    • 2009 October 2
      mudslicker permalink

      Allen Ginsberg digs it.

      oh
      yeah
      man
      peace
      out

      new york
      new york
      the city so nice
      they named it
      twice

      snap!

      Adores: 6
  12. 2009 October 2
    Lisa permalink

    I was 3 lines in before I noticed it was both for sale and free. *hangs head in shame*

    Adores: 3
  13. 2009 October 2

    Can we adopt this as our YSAC anthem? It’s musical and demonstrates the very essence that is sucking at CraigsList

    Adores: 30
    • 2009 October 3
      LurkRealClose permalink

      I second the motion.

      Adores: 1
      • 2009 October 3
        MissBeckett permalink

        All in favor say “Aye”

        “AYE”

        Adores: 1
  14. 2009 October 2
    Windrose permalink

    a red table is a red table is a red table. it’s for sale. it’s free. it’s a free deal. so much awesome, so little time.

    Adores: 3
  15. 2009 October 2
    sarajean80 permalink

    I think I know who the seller is. You might recognize another one of his masterpieces;

    All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.

    I am NOT driving up to a creepy hotel in Maine just for a table that might or might not be free. I can guess how it got red, though.

    Adores: 33
    • 2009 October 2
      Dan permalink

      Readers, if you’re not sure if “All Work and No Play” is really your style of literature, I would suggest reading this review of the book.

      Adores: 3
      • 2009 October 2
        sarajean80 permalink

        Do they have a review of the similar work, “All work and no beer makes Homer…something something” by H. Simpson?

        Adores: 9
    • 2009 October 6

      It rubs the lotion on it’s skin or else it gets the hose again.

      Adores: 1
  16. 2009 October 2
    Irregular Fractal permalink

    Is this like one of those 3-D magic eye images where you’re supposed to defocus your eyes and see a schooner or something?

    Adores: 5
  17. 2009 October 2
    Ladycrim permalink

    It reminds me of the song “Millions of Peaches”:

    “Please buy this table, buy it from me. It’s a red table, take it for free.
    Please buy this table, buy it from me. It’s a red table, take it for free.
    Please buy this table, buy it from me. It’s a red table, take it for free.
    Please buy this table, buy it from me. It’s a red table, take it for free.
    Please buy this table, buy it from me. It’s a red table, take it for free…”

    Adores: 17
  18. 2009 October 2
    Celeste permalink

    I just learned how to copy and paste! I did it for FREE!

    Adores: 6
  19. 2009 October 2
    jackie31337 permalink

    How did I miss the previous post about the opera? I love it! If you need a soprano, let me know.

    Btw, how can you tell there’s a soprano at your door?
    She can’t find the key and she doesn’t know when to come in.

    Adores: 7
    • 2009 October 2
      queensbee permalink

      nonono. you have her confused with DRUMMERS.

      Adores: 0
      • 2009 October 2
        drmk permalink

        No, that one is: How can you tell there’s a drummer at the door? The knocking speeds up.

        Then there’s also:
        What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool.

        What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend? Homeless.

        Adores: 17
        • 2009 October 2
          queensbee permalink

          rightright. i’m in a very large and insane choir – really – we usually refer to ourselves as the moron tabernacle choir – and all those knock knock jokes get told a lot. since i’m a soprano, had to defend my tribe.

          Adores: 5
      • 2009 October 4
        Trinket permalink

        Drummers need to find the key? Obviously I should have tried harder to stay awake in my high school music classes…

        Adores: 1
    • 2009 October 2
      Sherri permalink

      I always thought that was a tenor…but with tenors you get DRAMA.

      Adores: 2
  20. 2009 October 2
    Cyrus permalink

    This could totally be up in some major art museum. Did no one notice the absolute zen going on in this post? If you actually read the whole thing, I almost want to get this red table and put it right next to the rest of my CL table collection.

    I bought this table for free. I bought this red table for free. I bought this table for free. I bought this red table for free.

    Adores: 5
    • 2009 October 2
      drmk permalink

      Updated to add the “zen” tag.

      Adores: 1
  21. 2009 October 2
    Lola permalink

    O … M … G …
    I’m only going to say this once: just f*cking chill, dude. We get the picture.
    *restrains self, with difficulty, from reaching through the internets and throttling this person*

    Adores: 1
  22. 2009 October 2
    dogface permalink

    I want to buy that table a little less every time that sentence is repeated.

    Adores: 4
  23. 2009 October 2
    Jess permalink

    It’s not so much the repetition, the spelling problems or the fact that it’s incoherent that makes me twitch (well maybe a little). It’s the complete and utter lack of capital letters. Please can I get just one capital “I” just one, I’m begging here.

    Adores: 1
  24. 2009 October 2

    I actually thought this was some kind of punishment for writing a improper Craigslist ad – like having to write 100 times, “I will not talk while the teacher is talking,” or ‘I before E except after C, and when said “ay” as in neighbor and weigh.’

    Or maybe a test for macular degeneration. I see dots now.

    Adores: 15
  25. 2009 October 3
    Harrison permalink

    I think this person may have a red table for sle.

    Adores: 0
    • 2010 July 29
      Steph permalink

      Well, I knew they had one for sale, but what does it mean when one has something for sle?

      Adores: 0
      • 2010 July 29

        It’s for the lizard people in land of the lost.

        Adores: 0
  26. 2009 October 3
    Bunnymuffin permalink

    Okay this is so totally off topic but I just realized that drmk’s avatar is a llama. I’ve been reading this site a while and thought it was a dark, mysterious, blue hooded figure. I seriously need to readjust the angle of my monitor. Maybe I should buy a free red table to set it on.

    Adores: 3
    • 2009 October 4
      DooeyD permalink

      You are definitely not the only one…

      Adores: 0
      • 2009 October 4
        Jenny permalink

        Blue hooded figure! I thought so too!

        Adores: 0
        • 2009 October 6
          Sir Exal permalink

          Thirded.

          Adores: 0
  27. 2009 October 3
    Jim permalink

    Head On! Apply directly to the forehead! Head On! Apply directly to the forehead! Head On! Apply directly to the forehead! Head On! Apply directly to the forehead! Head On! Apply directly to the forehead! Head On! Apply directly to the forehead! Head On! Apply directly to the forehead! Head On! Apply directly to the forehead! Head On! Apply directly to the forehead! Head On! Apply directly to the forehead! Head On! Apply directly to the forehead! Head On! Apply directly to the forehead! Head On! Apply directly to the forehead! Head On! Apply directly to the forehead! Head On! Apply directly to the forehead! Head On! Apply directly to the forehead!

    Adores: 17
  28. 2009 October 3

    I played it backwards and the devil spoke to me.

    *shudders*

    Adores: 5
  29. 2009 October 4
    silversilence permalink

    Hey! This lady has a red table for sale!! You can take it for free!!! I’m not kidding!!!! Read for yourself!!!!!

    Adores: 0
  30. 2009 October 5
    Lupa permalink

    Mind a little prose? (With apologies to Poe…)

    THE “Red Table” had long devastated the country. No furnishing had ever been so salable, or so free. Contradiction was its Avatar and its seal –the confusion and the horror of paradox.

    Adores: 6
  31. 2009 October 7
    Sorsha permalink

    Looks like Jack Torrence from The Shining uses Craigslist too!

    “All work and no sales makes Jack a dull boy…”

    Adores: 1
  32. 2009 October 7
    Jeherrin permalink

    Y’know what..?

    You meant Steve Reich, not Philip Glass.

    Sorry.

    Adores: 0
    • 2009 October 8

      No, he meant Philip Glass.

      See “Einstein on the Beach”.

      Sorry.

      Adores: 1
  33. 2009 October 14
    flexibleduck permalink

    I found an excerpt from the opera:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bxQwnCkh3FA

    Adores: 0

Leave a Reply

Note: You can use basic XHTML in your comments. Your email address will never be published.

Subscribe to this comment feed via RSS