YSaC, Vol. 461: I think we’re going to need a bigger condom.

2009 October 21

I am hardier(in the sea looking for sharks) – m4w


My condom is big.Please come.Why i invites you.Come over and we can watch good things.I like good movies only.No bad movie.I have titanics and Godfathers.

Regular readers of this blog may recall that I haven’t seen Titanic. Nonetheless, I don’t remember there being sharks in the movie; if there had been, I might have actually gone to see it.

Rose: Oh, Jack, I’ll never let you go.

*shark jumps out of the water, eats Jack*

Rose: Oh, Jack!

Shark: Nom nom nom.

And let’s be honest here: if you’re using the plural version of Godfather, then you’re including Godfather Part III — which means Sofia Coppola. I think the term “good” is up for debate here. It’s certainly better than, say, Miss Congeniality II: Armed and Fabulous (I herald that movie as one of the signs of the impending apocalypse), but good?

Although he’s using the plural version of Titanic as well, so maybe he’s including The Poseidon Adventure … although watching an aquatic Shelley Winters might not set the right mood.

Looks like we found someone who can help out this guy, though.

Anyway, I can’t remember who sent me this one — I apologize!

99 Responses leave one →
  1. 2009 October 21

    After that first comment I feel really dirty and like I need to have my brain scrubbed with bleach.

    Also, if he thinks “Titanics” is a good movie he’s got another think coming.

    Adores: 0
    • 2009 October 21
      Bridgete permalink

      Well, it did win the award for Best Picture. Now, personally, I don’t think that necessarily means anything, but if that’s his criteria…

      Adores: 0
  2. 2009 October 21
    PapaSloth permalink

    “Aquatic Shelley Winters” – I saw that movie. It starred Gregory Peck as Ahab.

    Adores: 6
  3. 2009 October 21
    neverfirst permalink

    My condom is.
    Big, please come.
    Why, i invites you! Come over and we can watch.
    Good things I like. Good movies. Only no bad movie.
    I have titanics and God.
    Fathers!

    See, with different breaks and punctuation it’s just bad poetry.

    Adores: 39
    • 2009 October 21
      Igor the Vigorous permalink

      It’s only poetry if you’re a dolphin who dropped WAY too much acid and just woke up next to an ugly squid/seahorse married couple. 😛

      Adores: 5
  4. 2009 October 21
    Ed Snyder permalink

    Haven’t figured out what big condoms have to do with the rest of the ad. If all they’re gonna do is watch movies, why worry about the size of the condom at all? Also, just because a condom is big doesn’t mean the thing it’s going on is all that.

    Adores: 18
    • 2009 October 21
      PapaSloth permalink

      He needs the big condom because he has titanics.

      Adores: 21
    • 2009 October 21

      Maybe it’s a typo, and this fellow is just lonesome in his cavernous condo?

      “Please come watch movies with me. My condo is big. I bought this place under foreclosure, and it’s really more house than I need. Who on earth needs a two-thousand-square-foot living room? Can you hear me way over there? Let’s watch Titanics together!”

      Adores: 41
      • 2009 October 21
        Ed Snyder permalink

        I actually think you’re right, Isaac. It makes more sense as condo than condom. Freudian typo.

        Adores: 7
      • 2009 October 21
        sweetbiscuit permalink

        I agree Isaac. We moved to Chile last year, and our English-speaking guide showed us a selection of apartments, houses and “condoms”. I did correct him after he said it the 3rd time, but I have had several other people talk about living in a “condom” since. I’m guessing it’s a South-American spam-bot.

        Adores: 7
        • 2009 October 21
          Igor the Vigorous permalink

          -Giggles a spambots having nationalities-
          I thought that business was mostly in China?

          Adores: 1
        • 2009 October 22

          I live in China (Shanghai), and it’s not that the spambot business is mostly in China, so much as there are many people here who speak/write like spambots. Often these people also think they speak good English, and other people here who speak no English don’t know any better and hire them to do the same activities as a spambot (labor’s cheap enough that you don’t need to download a spambot, you can just pay someone to type bad English all over the place… seriously). Fortunately for me, my Chinese is decent and I can bypass that sort of thing. This is not to say that no one here can speak English well, there are tons of people that can speak it well… just there are even more who can’t.

          Case in point from when I used to teach English- A girl whose mother named her “Even”, and who the girl swore up and down spoke perfect English. I had a conversation with the mother to try and get her to change her daughter’s name (the girl refused repeatedly… I felt it was my duty to keep these kids from having names that were completely ridiculous…). Needless to say, the conversation devolved into Chinese because it was easier. Basically the mother wanted to name her daughter “Evan”, because, as we all know, Evan is a boys name, and it’s spelled “Even”. Nothing like being a native speaker and having your language ability impugned by someone who studied for a semester in college.

          Adores: 2
        • 2009 November 12
          Linda permalink

          Sorry chagnasty…

          My daughter’s name is Evan.

          Adores: 1
  5. 2009 October 21
    dan permalink

    Now wait just a minute, drmk. You haven’t seen ANY of the Godfather movies, so you’re hardly in a position to comment. (For that matter, I don’t think you’ve seen “Armed and Fabulous II” either, but I’m not going to quibble with your assessment of THAT one) The Godfather, Part III is only weak by comparison to the other two movies… Sofia Coppola isn’t on screen THAT much.

    Besides, he could just have Godfaters I & II. That would still be plural.

    And furthermore…*shark jumps out of water, eats ostrich*

    Shark: Nom nom nom

    Adores: 24
    • 2009 October 21
      Windrose permalink

      Oh, Dan! We were just getting to be good chums!

      Adores: 18
      • 2009 October 21

        Snort.

        Adores: 1
        • 2009 October 21
          sweetbiscuit permalink

          ah well, now you can marry the emu that Dan always secretly aspired to be.

          Adores: 2
      • 2009 October 21

        That pun actually took me a second. Ouch.

        Adores: 1
    • 2009 October 21
      sarajean80 permalink

      Does this mean the llama is single?
      Time for a Ladies’ Night Out!
      Bring plenty of ones.

      Adores: 1
      • 2009 October 21
        Meredith permalink

        “ALL my single llamas” (echo) “all my single llamas”

        “ALL my single llamas” (echo) “all my single llamas”

        “Put your…whatever those things you’ve got are…UP”

        “LA LA LA LA LA LAAAAA LLAMA–LA LA LALLMA”
        “LA LA LA LA LA LAAAAA LLAMA–LA LA LALLMA”

        Adores: 36
        • 2009 October 21

          Paws?

          Hoofs?

          Tentekils?

          That’s a good question.

          Adores: 2
        • 2009 October 21
          lareina permalink

          Llamas have hooves. As I know to my cost. I have an interesting u-shaped scar on my leg as a permanent reminder.

          And now I have the prologue from ‘Monty Python and the Holy Grail’ playing in my head, according to which the movie was directed by 40 specially trained Ecuadorian Mountain Llamas, 6 Venezuelan Red Llamas, 142 Mexican Whooping Llamas, 14 North Chilean Guanacos (closely related to the llama), Reg Llama of Brixton, 76000 Battery Llamas from “Llama-Fresh” Farms Ltd. near Paraguay…..and Terry Gilliam & Terry Jones.

          Adores: 9
      • 2009 October 21
        Igor the Vigorous permalink

        And that is why I always ask for multiple ones in change when I play Monopoly.
        Gotta save for that trip to Monopo-Vegas.

        Adores: 3
    • 2009 October 21
      Irregular Fractal permalink

      Leave the shark. Take the cannoli.

      Adores: 17
    • 2009 October 21

      I want “Shark: Nom Nom Nom” to be the name of a band.

      Maybe some poppy j-rock girl band?

      Adores: 13
  6. 2009 October 21
    sarajean80 permalink

    Poor lonely bot, my heart weeps for you. Let me respond to your poorly written ad so you can spend your empty days filling my inbox with ads for penile enhancements, business opportunities that will earn me millions without having to spend a penny, and ways to earn various degrees online.

    Adores: 10
  7. 2009 October 21
    Sherri permalink

    Wait, wait, wait.

    He’s just an old movie buff (among other questionable things). Just to clarify (since I want our beloved site leaders be right always) there are, per IMdb, 7 different movies titled “Titanic”. The first was made in 1915. It was made again in 1943 and 1953. Really, James Cameron’s take on the story is a late comer. So, it’s entirely possible to have multiple, different movies with the same title — because, you know, Hollywood is so original like that.

    Now, with that out of the way, can we set up a roach motel for this creep?

    Adores: 2
    • 2009 October 21
      Tacomagic permalink

      Given what he considers “good movies” I’m betting he already owns a copy of “Roach Motel.”

      Adores: 2
      • 2009 October 21
        mudslicker permalink

        I think he’s more of a Joe’s Apartment kinda guy myself.

        Adores: 2
      • 2009 October 22
        Jinx permalink

        Or “Creep Show”!

        Adores: 0
        • 2009 October 22
          sarajean80 permalink

          “The Lonesome Death of Jordy Verrill” gave me nightmares the first time I saw that movie, really itchy nightmares.

          Adores: 0
        • 2009 October 22
          mudslicker permalink

          Oh but Steven King was so adorably dreamy in that vignette dontcha’ think? Those overalls defintely brought back sexy. Hehe..

          Adores: 0
    • 2009 October 21
      mudslicker permalink

      Sherri: My theory is he’s talking about a documentary on Plate Tectonics.

      Adores: 0
    • 2009 October 22
      Jinx permalink

      Yeah! I like the one with Tim Curry being naughty, and the one where the piano crashes through all the floors and the kid is trying to get across the huge hole in her cabin! That one freaked me worse than made-for-tv horror movies!

      (Was that the same movie?)

      Adores: 0
    • 2010 October 31
      NotMyName permalink

      The 1943 Titanic was made by the Nazis. Or so Cracked says.

      Adores: 0
  8. 2009 October 21
    Meredith permalink

    So it’s a bot or creep that is obsessed with every incarnation of Titanic??? I’M obsessed with every incarnation of “My Mother the Car”…what are the odds???!!!

    And I may have the strangest mental picture ever now: As soon as I read the fish line and then the big condom line, I started picturing some kind of “Deadliest Catch” vision, with a GIANT condom sweeping the ocean. I’ve heard you catch a lot of debris that way.

    Adores: 10
    • 2009 October 21
      PrincessLuceval permalink

      And now I have an image of condom flotsam. Which would be an awesome name for a band.

      Adores: 10
      • 2009 October 21

        I’d totally go see Condom Flotsam. They’d open up for Pöissön Sqüirrëls.

        Adores: 10
        • 2009 October 21
          Lola permalink

          drmk’s use of amusingly egregious umlauts ftw. Also, if you have a fan club I want to join – not just because I love the blog but because I have never, ever, ever seen Cameron’s Titanic, and I love meeting other people who haven’t succumbed. I’ve never seen Forrest Gump or Jurassic Park, either. Not a film snob, just not interested.
          (I’m going to suggest, however, that you give Godfather and Godfather II a whirl someday, though.)

          Adores: 6
        • 2009 October 21
          JcT permalink

          With special guest hair-metal band Grammar Slap.

          I had just started a relationship with She-Who-Is-Now-My-Ex and She had a delightful daughter (who was around 14 at the time, with a huge crush on Leo), and they insisted we all go together to see Titanic. It was the greatest movie I have ever seen. Period. The scenes of the boat cracking in half, people plunging to their deaths from the top of the boat-end hanging in the air, parts of the boat crashing down onto people, etc. were the best special effects I have ever witnessed. I am not kidding, it was spectacular! I was in absolute awe of the entire boat-sinking.

          Oh, and there was some love-story stuff before and after that, which was absolute crap.

          Adores: 19
        • 2009 October 21
          lareina permalink

          Lola, permission to steal ‘Egregious Umlauts’ for my future band’s name? Pretty please? I’m already working out the lyrics for our first single, ‘Interrobang All Night Long,’ possibly to be released with ‘O, Ampersand!’ as a B-side track.

          Adores: 22
        • 2009 October 21
          Lola permalink

          Permission given, and a +1 in the bargain!

          … So, is your lead singer’s name Tilde, perchance?

          Adores: 6
        • 2009 October 21
          Meredith permalink

          And we have just named either our YSaC band, or the next hit single by the Plain White Tees: “I’ve Never Seen Titanic”

          p.s. neither have I, and I’m self-righteously proud of it.

          Adores: 5
        • 2009 October 21
          Igor the Vigorous permalink

          I loveth the mathterth…..
          Ith it all right if Igor’th friend JB changeth hith band name to Grammar Thlap and they can play for y’all?

          Adores: 1
        • 2009 October 21
          lareina permalink

          We have Tilde on lead vocals, and Virgule is our long-haired, tattooed drummer.

          Adores: 5
        • 2009 October 21
          bonni permalink

          Pilcrow wants to play the tambourine!!

          Adores: 2
        • 2009 October 21
          Bunnymuffin permalink

          Tilde is my favorite punctuation mark of all time. Just saying.

          Adores: 1
        • 2009 October 22
          Bunnymuffin permalink

          I could totally see Condom Flotsam opening for Flogging Molly.

          Adores: 3
      • 2009 October 22
        lareina permalink

        Eeeee! I am the featured comment! So exciting! Thanks, drmk!

        Adores: 1
    • 2009 October 21
      sarajean80 permalink

      Wow, I can picture that. It’s like this freaky jellyfish-looking thing. Weird.
      And now I’m wondering if they make condoms for marine mammals and if it’s the same one-size-fits-all or would they make different sizes for, let’s say,a dolphin and a blue whale?

      I thought condoms were supposed to PREVENT you from catching things?

      Adores: 2
      • 2009 October 21
        lost_compass permalink

        This brings a whole new subtext to Moby Dick. I may have to ask for an extension on my Melville thesis.

        Adores: 14
  9. 2009 October 21
    Meredith permalink

    WE ARE….CONDOM FLOTSOOOOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!

    :::AIR GUITAR::: “WHEEEDDDDLLLYYY WHEEEEEE”

    Adores: 11
    • 2009 October 21
      sarajean80 permalink

      Instead of undies your legions of fans will pelt you with Trojans. Hopefully new.

      Adores: 4
      • 2009 October 21
        PrincessLuceval permalink

        Or maybe “Trogans.”

        Adores: 5
      • 2009 October 21
        Meredith permalink

        No, as Prince said…

        “..She had a pocket full of horses

        Trojans, some of them used…”

        And may I just say on behalf of the whole band….BLECH!!!

        Adores: 2
    • 2009 October 21
      Lola permalink

      “Hellooooooooooooo, Marianas Trench! We are gonna rock your Bikini Atoll off ta-nite!”
      *crowd of sea creatures from so far down they’ve evolved into eyelessness goes wild*

      Adores: 13
    • 2009 October 21

      Opening for Condom Flotsam, tonight only: Judy and the Jetsams!

      Adores: 5
      • 2009 October 21
        sarajean80 permalink

        With special guest, Skipper and the Castaways!

        Adores: 5
    • 2009 October 21
      Count Blah permalink

      Want flotsom? I’ve gotsom! Want jetsam? I can getsam!

      <3 Ogden Nash

      Adores: 9
      • 2009 October 22
        Lola permalink

        I haven’t thought of Ogden Nash in ages. I loved him when I was young: “The Wendigo.”

        Adores: 0
        • 2009 October 22
          bonni permalink

          The Wendigo, the Wendigo! His eyes are ice and indigo! Oh, Ogden Nash. You rock.

          Adores: 0
        • 2009 October 22

          “A marvelous bird is the pelican. / His beak can hold more than his belly can.”

          also:

          “The ant has made himself illustrious / Through endless industry industrious. / And yet, would you be calm and placid / If you were full of formic acid?”

          Oh and I also remember, especially for drmk:

          “The one-L lama, he’s a priest. / The two-L llama, he’s a beast. / But I will bet a silk pyjama / There isn’t any three-L lllama.”

          Adores: 2
    • 2009 October 22

      Hit song/power ballad- “Hole in My the Head (She’s My Baby Now)”?

      Adores: 0
  10. 2009 October 21
    mudslicker permalink

    I’m going with Capital “I” Isaac on this one [sometimes he’s a big “I”, sometimes he’s a little “i”]. I’m positive this Quentin- Tarantino-of-Crapola-Movies” was talking about his big condo [or congo–is he the African fish?].

    But why, amidst all this language train wreck, am I fixated on the fact that he doesn’t leave a space after his periods?!?!

    Anyway, it must be Carnaval at this guys place during Shark Week.

    Adores: 0
    • 2009 October 21

      Actually, I don’t think that it’s a typo. I mean, I’m willing to entertain the possibility, since some of the other typing is crap, but given that this is a m4w ad, and the next sentence is “Please come,” I really don’t think he’s bragging about real estate.

      (Also: apparently I’m capitalized at work and lowercase here at home. I’ll have to change my settings at work.)

      Adores: 0
      • 2009 October 22
        mudslicker permalink

        Oh don’t! I wanna know where you’re located at all postings. Did that sound stalker-esque? Yikes.

        And I want to thank you for murdering my Disney thoughts regarding this guy merely advertising his large apartment. The birds twittering gleefully in my head suddenly stopped like some cartoon record player scraping across vinyl just before the Acme anvil hits on the canyon below. Thanks isaac, just thanks.

        I’ll just mbeep mbeep away like Roadrunner dust now.

        Adores: 1
  11. 2009 October 21
    Colleen in MA permalink

    I got nothin’.

    Adores: 1
  12. 2009 October 21

    I can picture a LOLcat for just about every sentence in this ad. And now I need to go scrub my brain.

    Adores: 6
  13. 2009 October 21
    Procrastinator permalink

    Cudos to drmk for the “Jaws” reference in the title.

    Adores: 4
  14. 2009 October 21
    Rick permalink

    This might be the single greatest ad ever on Craigslist. Come on ladies, why aren’t you lining up around the block for him with his BIG condom??
    I had to say something, otherwise I’d point & laugh

    Adores: 4
    • 2009 October 21
      sarajean80 permalink

      Go with the pointing and laughing, it works wonders. After that, there really is no need for a condom, big or small.

      Adores: 5
    • 2009 October 21
      mudslicker permalink

      Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick…*tisk tisk*…silly boy, please note that he said NOTHING about providing popcorn and I’m not going anywhere to watch movies where the host isn’t willing to pony up with a hot steamy bag of Orville Redenbachers Movietime.

      I don’t care how BIG his condom is….

      Adores: 5
      • 2009 October 21
        Rick permalink

        That’s because you have good taste & style, though I go with the Kettle Korn, lil sweet & salty never hurts

        Adores: 0
  15. 2009 October 21
    Cyrus permalink

    I actually like Titanic (97) myself for the same reason JcT described. That scene with the boat sinking is one of the best choreographed disasters in film, it literally took my breath away. You can’t help but imagine what the real people were going through. I always make fun of the ending however (Jackkk Jacckkkk).

    But anyways. What’s with so many dating ads (written by men or bots pretending to be men) and their obsession with saying they like Titanic. Is it supposed to prove they are sensitive? Is it a way to get into her pants after the movie because he let her cry on his shoulder? I don’t think I’ll ever know. Especially since my fiancee can’t stand that movie.

    Adores: 0
    • 2009 October 21
      mudslicker permalink

      That whistle should have won an Oscar!

      Adores: 0
    • 2009 October 21
      sarajean80 permalink

      I’d guess that they want an excuse to spend 3 hours and 17 minutes in a darkened room with whomever answered the ad. If it’s a real person. Bots probably just pick well-known, award-winning films.

      Adores: 0
  16. 2009 October 21
    Heather permalink

    Titanics *and* Godfathers! Oh my! I’m…I’m…overcome.

    Adores: 1
  17. 2009 October 21

    Big condom and godfathers? Man, you really know how to sway the ladies.

    Adores: 0
    • 2009 October 21
      Igor the Vigorous permalink

      Why thanks, random blogger piggybacking off of others’ success.

      Adores: 0
      • 2009 October 21

        Not random, Igor. Endorsed by drmk over in the sidebar.

        In your quest to combat trolls, be careful not to become a troll yourself.

        Adores: 2
        • 2009 October 21
          Igor the Vigorous permalink

          It’s one of my pet peeves, Isaac, not calling it an act of trollery. Just makes me shake my head wondering if one of those delicious links in the sidebar isn’t enough for ’em. 😛

          Adores: 0
      • 2009 October 22

        Call off the dogs, Igor. We like the HLP people!

        Adores: 1
        • 2009 October 22
          Igor the Vigorous permalink

          Dogth?
          NOT THE DOGTH! They always try to tear at Igor’th thitchy handth!
          -Just your run-of-the-mill subject change from an ADD kid here, folks-

          Adores: 1
  18. 2009 October 21
    ??? permalink

    I am hardier(in the sea looking for sharks)

    Hardier than whom? Godfathers? Hopefully hardier than Titanics…

    Adores: 1
  19. 2009 October 21
    Mrphysic permalink

    OKs well I likes the facts that he puts randoms plurals ons words that really don’ts deserves it. Reminds mes of the fats mechanics guy off of Futuramas. He coulds go for ultimates annoyings by usings apostrophes badly toos but that’s would make’s my brain’s hurt’s (see?).

    Adores: 4
    • 2009 October 22
      Count Blah permalink

      I would give that post 100 points if I could. FUTURAMA FTW! 😀

      Adores: 0
    • 2009 October 22
      Jinx permalink

      Maybe he IS in a metal band – he talks like the guys from Dethklok!

      Adores: 0
  20. 2009 October 21
    queensbee permalink

    hi all. i’m home from the land where they wont let me read this blog. and proud to say – i have never seen any of the godfathers, and esp NOT titanic. hey the boat sails. hits an iceberg. sinks. the people die.
    they needed a biga$$ movie for that?
    as far as mr big condom… um, that just gives me the creeps.

    Adores: 0
    • 2009 October 22
      emsies permalink

      can’t you pretty much apply that to ANY movie? (not specifically the ice-berging and dying.)

      Any Romantic Comedy: Boy meets girl. Boy loses girl. Hijinks ensue. Boy and girl live happily ever after.

      Any Horror Movie: Sex. Lots of people die. Hero and heroine survive and live happily ever after until sequel.

      and so on. It’s not like Titanic didn’t have something for everyone: cheesy romance, cool sets and special effects, and Leo dies. Yay!

      Adores: 1
  21. 2009 October 21
    Keelhaulrose permalink

    “Titanics” is what happens when Disney gets a hold of the Titanic story. The happy whales save the boat from the mean old iceberg (voiced by Christopher Lee), the Titanic meets the Queen Mary, and they have little baby Titanics that get into all sorts of iceberg-dodging adventures in their straight-to-DVD movies…

    Adores: 8
    • 2009 October 21
      Lola permalink

      I kinda wanna see this now, if only to hear what Christopher Lee’s dialogue would be.

      Adores: 0
    • 2009 October 22
      tigprincess permalink

      Given what Disney does to A. A. Milne characters, Keelhaulrose, count me out on that one! ..and I’ve never seen Titanic or any of the Godfathers. Could this be a band name? Titanic and the Godfathers? combination of Demis Roussos and Status Quo?
      The post itsel is just too icky for words – and you’ve all said more than my brain could manufacture.

      Adores: 0
      • 2009 October 22
        Lola permalink

        Wasn’t there already a band called The Godfathers? I seem to recall singing along to their “Birth, School, Work, Death” in high school (back when I knew about only half of those things, and wasn’t even done with school).
        Maybe it’s a double bill with them and some band called Titanic.

        Adores: 0
  22. 2009 October 22
    emsies permalink

    sneakybot!

    titanics = CHICKFLICKS2
    Godfathers = MOVIESTHATSHOULDBEDESTROYED3

    ??

    Adores: 1
  23. 2009 October 22

    Doesn’t everyone see he’s just a movie buff? IMDB lists 9 different “Titanic”s aside from the 1997 one. Like I mentioned I live in China, home of the most legitimate DVDs known to man. I own the entire “Titanics” collection, and am watching it now, and am also wishing there were more sharks in the North Atlantic…

    Adores: 0
    • 2009 October 22
      Igor the Vigorous permalink

      Do you have any websites without big, shiny, Chinese letters that have The Scorpion King streaming? 😛
      (Kind of serious- I looked and couldn’t find it anywhere that didn’t require money.)

      Adores: 0
  24. 2013 September 1
    Brer Fox permalink

    I think it is funny that the Titanic was supposed to be unsinkable. Then on it’s first voyage out, it was taken down by a head of lettuce.

    Adores: 1
  25. 2013 September 2

    Dave, I think you enjoyed the day in the box. I think I owe you this: Punchity Punch Punch!

    Good Morning, Bruce!

    Adores: 0

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