YSaC, Vol. 463: A different use of the “slimy” tag …

2009 October 23

1959 UNOPEND CRISCO – $25 (GILFORD)


1959 UNOPEND CAN OF CRISCO VEG.SHORTINING WITH THE TWIST KEY STILL ATTCHED
ASKING 25.00 OR BEST OFFER. EMAIL INQUIRIES TO CANTFLAMExxxxx@YAHOO.COM

1959 was a very good year for Crisco. It had an excellent growing season, with not too much rain. This 1959 Crisco is drinking well now, and will continue to age well for the next forty to fifty years. The Shortening Enthusiast gives it a 94. Pairs well with cheese, particularly a 60-year Gouda. Good mouth feel, with a slight slime factor on the first taste that is taken over by the final taste of rancid.

What is it with people on Craigslist and expired Crisco? At least those people weren’t trying to charge actual money for it.

Thanks, Matt — I don’t think I’ll be eating anything for a while after seeing that.

73 Responses leave one →
  1. 2009 October 23
    Ed Snyder permalink

    I imagine it’s got quite a delightful “nose” as well.

    Adores: 5
    • 2009 October 23
      Ed Snyder permalink

      They could hang this on the wall at a Cracker Barrel. But I hope they have the good sense to cut the bottom off and empty the can first. Have a Hazmat team standing by–just in case.

      Adores: 2
  2. 2009 October 23

    That can is in really good shape for 50 years old.

    Adores: 2
    • 2009 October 23
      lost_compass permalink

      Thanks for noticing, K. I have been working out.

      Adores: 24
      • 2009 October 23

        I was hoping someone would pick that ball up and run with it.

        Adores: 3
        • 2009 October 23
          Lola permalink

          Me too, particularly if they’re male and run by me so I can admire their “can” as they go by.

          Adores: 7
  3. 2009 October 23
    mudslicker permalink

    Oh, but it’s $.05 off! Can’t I use the coupon? That would make the price $24.95 and would certainly sweeten the deal.

    Too bad they couldn’t pair it up with a vintage pre-JFK assasination whole frying chicken ‘cuz, until I saw this, I had nothing planned for dinner tonight.

    Adores: 11
  4. 2009 October 23
    Windrose permalink

    Wow! You mean all those expired foodstuffs I have hoarded in the pantry might be able to bring in some cash now? I’m going to be rich!

    Adores: 1
    • 2009 October 23
      sarajean80 permalink

      My grandmother had a fine collection of Piggly-Wiggly vegetables, circa 1985-1993. Too bad we threw them out, we could have been millionares!

      Adores: 1
      • 2009 October 23
        Meredith permalink

        My grandmothers sisters told us for years about all the delicious peaches and berries they canned. We never saw one jar of them…they were pretty nasty, spiteful old bats.

        But, apparently they did send a lot of it to my grandma, as evidenced by the two floor to ceiling shelves of canned “foodstuffs” we found in her basement when she died. We had to ASSUME they were at one time food, because we also ASSUMED no one would go to all the trouble to can jars of raw sewage…even though all that was left in these jars was a thick black slime. Some of the jars were dated almost 20 years before I was born.

        Adores: 19
        • 2009 October 23
          Rick permalink

          You DO know what happens when you ASSUME though, right?

          Adores: 1
        • 2009 October 23
          Sari Everna permalink

          That’s disgusting. And also proves they sucked at canning. If they’d done it properly, those would still be as edible and tasty as the day they were interred.

          I suppose I shouldn’t criticize too harshly though, since all the unopened jars of jam we made when I was a kid are all stored in the freezer downstairs. We never tried to properly seal them, after all.

          And the fact that there were racks upon racks of these jars, unconsumed, perhaps suggest that the fruit wasn’t as delicious as they claimed. After all, if it was so wonderful, wouldn’t grandma have eaten it eventually? Maybe it’s actually a blessing that they never sent any your way!

          Adores: 6
  5. 2009 October 23
    sarajean80 permalink

    Ewww.
    I know there is a market for old containers, especially if they are in good condition, but a sealed can of rancid grease?
    No. Just no. Not even with a $0.05 coupon.
    I can literally think of nothing to say. I think that’s a first.

    Adores: 0
    • 2009 October 23
      dissimilitude permalink

      I think they should have marketed it as Schrödinger’s Crisco. It’s both well-preserved AND rancid until you open the can.

      Adores: 41
  6. 2009 October 23
    Gridlock permalink

    Will it be rancid?

    Isn’t the whole point of tinning stuff that it should last forever (you’ve pasteurised the contents of a sealed container).

    Here’s a disturbing Google Answers on the subject:

    http://answers.google.com/answers/threadview/id/452010.html

    Adores: 2
  7. 2009 October 23
    PrincessLuceval permalink

    I think Mr. John Deere Collector would love this.

    Adores: 3
  8. 2009 October 23
    Gridlock permalink

    Also, I don’t know what your site loads from s3.chuug.com (and indeed whether it’s them or me) but the page loading hangs for about 3 minutes while waiting for them to respond..

    Adores: 1
    • 2009 October 23

      It’s the “Twit This” button. I don’t get a delay — does it happen to everyone/anyone else?

      Adores: 0
      • 2009 October 24

        I’ve been having other weird sorts of problems, after I post comments in Safari — “Error 400″ messages until I leave the site alone for a while. But not much of the lag that Gridlock is describing.

        Adores: 0
  9. 2009 October 23
    Lola permalink

    My first thoughts on seeing this were:
    “What? Dude, no. WTF? Ugh.”
    Not even if Robert Parker gave it a score of 100.

    Adores: 1
  10. 2009 October 23
    Trinket permalink

    I have a confession to make: I think this is kinda cool. I wouldn’t spend $25 on it and ok, the actual contents could be pretty gross but still… It’s from the 50′s! And if it were empty it wouldn’t have the twist key still attached!

    I feel a little stupid admitting that, but honesty and openness are the foundation of good casual online friendships, afterall. I wouldn’t want to deceive you.

    So now you know. I secretly wish I had an unopened can of 1959 Crisco.

    Adores: 42
    • 2009 October 23

      Thank you Trinket – Nice to know there are others that appreciate the finer things in life………

      Adores: 4
    • 2009 October 23
      Count Blah permalink

      Yeah, I think it’s kinda cool, too.

      I thought keys-as-a-food-liberating-device were just something you found on those shallow, rectangular cans of sardines (source: childhood cartoons featuring hobos and/or cats). But this one…is for a round can! Where does it even go? OH MY GOD I’M GOING TO HAVE TO BUY THE CAN TO FIGURE THIS OUT.

      Adores: 5
    • 2009 October 24
      Christine permalink

      I agree with you and I wouldn’t doubt the poster got his 25 bucks. When I was looking in antiques shops in TN last summer, this kind of stuff was a huge commodity. There is an seat for every ass I guess.

      Adores: 3
  11. 2009 October 23
    Sherri permalink

    Thing is, there are people who collect old stuff like this — no, really, there is someone somewhere who collects pretty much anything you can name, and you don’t want to think about it. It’s not the yuck inside, but the printing on the can, the marketing part, the actual old can itself that is collectible. Antique, ya know. Considering how many people buy reproduction tin signs to hang in their bathrooms, can you not believe someone would actually collect antique food packaging?

    Anyone ever watch “American Eats” on the History Channel? They featured a MUSEUM OF FAILED FOOD MARKETING IDEAS — at once the coolest and the stupidest thing every. Pop-up scrambled eggs? (in one of those cardboard tubes like the ice-cream-truck treat). Companies sometimes keep archives of their old packaging as a record. Just saying — there are places you can find this stuff.

    Just pointing out that, aside from the rotten language in the ad, this is at least a little legit. A tiny bit.

    Also, I’m not sure Crisco actually goes bad as long as it’s not been exposed to air or bacteria or mold. I don’t use it, but my mother sure did, and I’m reasonably certain it kept just fine as long as it was sealed. And that scares me.

    Adores: 7
    • 2009 October 23
      Fraulein N permalink

      Fighting … urge … to vomit.

      Really, the only (sane) person who might want this is a collector or connoisseur of vintage food packaging or something like that. Assuming this can doesn’t absolutely REEK even while closed, maybe $25 is a reasonable price on that particular market. Still, the idea of what might be in that can, even if it’s sealed for all eternity, makes me shiver.

      Adores: 0
    • 2009 October 23
      rev permalink

      While not everyone’s cup of tea (or shortening, as the case may be), this isn’t crummy. There’s actually a pretty big market for stuff like this. My wife has several old cans decorating our kitchen, including old coffee tins, potato chip canisters, etc., from the 40′s and 50′s (and I collect old tobacco tins from the 30′s and 40′s). She’d think this would be cool. The fact that it is unopened is sort of amazing. Since it’s sealed, I doubt that it’s rancid, and even if it is, no one’s going to be opening it.

      Adores: 6
    • 2009 October 23
      sarajean80 permalink

      For me, the gross part is not that someone would want this, my mom collects old jars and the like, so I’ve seen things like this when she’s dragged me to antique stores. The gross thing is that the Crisco is still inside.
      I might be wrong, (I wasn’t around back then) but I think cans in 1959 were made of steel. That means there could be rust, perhaps forming tiny holes that would allow air in. The solder holding the ends on could have weakened or cracked if it’s been exposed to 50 years of hot and cold extremes. The can does have a fairly greasy look in that last photo. I wouldn’t want to check, but it is fair to ASSUME the can is not hermetically sealed.
      Unless the contents themselves were valuable, say a nice bourbon from 1959, then you really don’t need to keep the container sealed. A couple of holes in the bottom, a bucket and some time in a warm room and we would not be having this disscussion.
      Well, we would, but not about this.

      Adores: 4
      • 2009 October 23
        marn permalink

        Well, considering the current Crisco cans are made from foil (mylar?) coated cardboard, I would definitely want my 50-year-old Crisco in steel, rust and all. If it were cardboard, the rancid shortening would have started seeping through 49 years ago. *shudder*

        Adores: 2
  12. 2009 October 23
    Sarah permalink

    I’m not even sure Crisco has enough “real stuff” in it to go bad … I always assumed it would have more Twinkie-like properties.

    Adores: 5
  13. 2009 October 23
    Fnarf permalink

    What is “real stuff”? Crisco is what it is: hydrolyzed vegetable oil. It doesn’t matter if it’s “gone bad” or not, because the last the collector who would buy this is going to want to do is open it. There are a lot of people who collect old packaging and “kitcheniana”.

    Adores: 6
  14. 2009 October 23
    Heather permalink

    The vintage Crisco would work well in a vintage recipe. Something with lima beans and gelatin, maybe cocktail weenies…

    Adores: 4
    • 2009 October 23
      mudslicker permalink

      Something from Lileks’ The Gallery of Regrettable Food pops to mind. They used carrots alot back then, but apparently only as a garnish.

      Adores: 6
      • 2009 October 23
        PrincessLuceval permalink

        My vintage Betty Crocker cookbooks are extremely fond of ground beef/diced green pepper combinations.

        Adores: 3
      • 2009 October 23
        Lola permalink

        I, too, was thinking of The Gallery of Regrettable food when I saw this.

        Adores: 2
      • 2009 October 24
        jackie31337 permalink

        Note! The vegetables are only a garnish! Actually eating the vegetables will diminish your manliness. Do not eat the vegetables!

        Adores: 5
  15. 2009 October 23

    You should siphon off the Botulism and inject it into your face. At home Botox.

    Adores: 4
    • 2010 October 18
      NotMyName permalink

      Was this Matt? Or is this a different Matt? Someone please answer.

      Adores: 0
      • 2010 October 19
        EclecticBlue permalink

        Different Matt :-p

        Adores: 0
        • 2010 October 19
          NotMyName permalink

          That was fast. Thanks, EB.

          Adores: 0
  16. 2009 October 23
    neverfirst permalink

    I think I missed the boat when I helped my 86 year old grandmother move last year. Imagine what I could have gotten on the open market for 30 year old bullion cubes and store brand Vick’s vapor-rub from long extinct stores. And we had to break it gently to her that ribbon candy is bad from the first opening of the box, but doubly so when it is a solid mass shaped like the candy bowl.

    Adores: 12
    • 2009 October 23

      Can I request some ‘Mentholatum’? That stuff’s the best! Our jar from grandma’s lake house is just about out… (Yes, I’m serious.)

      Adores: 2
    • 2009 October 23
      PapaSloth permalink

      My maternal grandmother had a formal living and dining room. When my cousins and I were kids, we were never allowed into the dining room, and forbidden on pain of death from taking any of the candy from the candy bowls in the living room.

      When my cousins and I were adults, we returned for my grandmother’s funeral. Yes, we tried to take some of the forbidden candy. It had all melted through its wrappers and solidified into a single rock-like lump in the bowl. But, it was still decorative.

      Adores: 2
      • 2009 October 25

        I’ve honestly never understood the need for the fancy “show” front room with decorative candy. I had a relative with one of those too, and *nobody* was allowed in there, lest the room get dirty and need to be cleaned. I’ve determined that I will not have a useless decorative room in my home. That’s just not me. If I’m that worried about it getting dirty, I’m doing it wrong.

        Adores: 1
    • 2009 October 25

      But I *liked* the ribbon candy my great grandma gave us!

      Of course, she also went through it frequently enough that it never had a chance to become the bowl-shaped lump.

      Adores: 1
  17. 2009 October 23
    emsies permalink

    Wow… there sure are a lot of people here who appear to be quite passionate about collecting ancient rancid-or-not foodstuffs. I don’t want to get yelled at, so I’ll stick to the safe, non-stick path:

    Ha ha… he spelled some stuff wrong… what an asschapeau!

    Adores: 11
  18. 2009 October 23
    CyberRedneck permalink

    Can you say “adipocere?”

    Adores: 1
    • 2009 October 23
      emsies permalink

      no :(

      Adores: 1
    • 2009 October 23
      sarajean80 permalink

      ADDIE-poe-seer
      Mortuary fat?
      Eww, now I’m going to think about that.

      Adores: 0
      • 2009 October 23
        Windrose permalink

        Which reminds me of another Monty Python sketch! LOL

        Fred!
        Yeah?
        I think we’ve got an eater!
        I’ll get the oven on.

        Adores: 2
  19. 2009 October 23
    Cyrus permalink

    The can has clearly rusted just by looking at the second picture. So I highly doubt even if Crisco does last that long it would be any good to use. But the label looks perfect! I used to be obsessed with finding objects from the 50s (but when you move a few times into small apartments those sort of things are the first thing you get rid of).

    Who wants to buy it and open it up?!

    Adores: 1
  20. 2009 October 23

    I’m pretty sure Crisco can’t go bad. My grandma has had the same can for as long as I can remember which she only uses it at christmas to make pie crusts.

    That vintage can is pretty neat, but I wouldn’t pay $25 for it.

    Adores: 0
    • 2009 October 23
      PapaSloth permalink

      Hmm. Does the phrase “crawling in botulism” mean anything to you?

      Adores: 0
      • 2009 October 23

        I think it’s the new hit single by Lllamarama and the Funny-Forgers.

        Adores: 9
  21. 2009 October 23
    Jentheiffer permalink

    Am I imagining the string coming from the top of the can? Is it hanging sludge in a can, or is that just an optical illusion?

    I have to admit being curious about just what is underneath that lid. Not curious enough to open it myself, mind you, but maybe curious enough to watch someone else try it.

    Adores: 1
    • 2009 October 23
      sarajean80 permalink

      From a safe distance away.
      While wearing a respirator.

      Adores: 1
    • 2009 October 23
      Charlie Everywhere permalink

      Yeah, I also think it looks like it’s hanging by a string, making this potentially the nastiest booby trap in the history of improvised home security.

      Adores: 2
      • 2009 October 23

        I’m pretty sure that’s just an oddly placed seam between two wall tiles. You can see it at the very top of the middle picture, too.

        Adores: 0
    • 2009 October 23
      Lola permalink

      The second single byLllamarama and the Funny-Forgers will be “Hanging Sludge in a Can.”

      Adores: 0
    • 2009 October 27
      sfaye permalink

      I’d watch the YouTube video from the safety of my home computer. I don’t want to be in the vicity when that can opens.

      Adores: 0
  22. 2009 October 23
    queensbee permalink

    ewww. bleah.

    Adores: 0
  23. 2009 October 23
    PapaSloth permalink

    What’s that old saying?
    Can is shiny, Crisco is fine-y.
    Can is rusty, Crisco is crusty.

    Adores: 18
  24. 2009 October 23

    Am I the only one wondering why the Crisco wasn’t opened?

    Adores: 1
  25. 2009 October 23
    JcT permalink

    Half-Loaf Bread $50

    I have a half-loaf of Mrs. Baird’s bread. The date on the wrapper can still be read: October 12 2009. I accidentally put it in the Cabinet I Never Open while getting it off the counter after spilling a cup of coffee a few weeks ago.

    Not a lot of green visible, but I am sure more will soon show.

    Tie-wrap still attached. Get it while the price is still low! $50 or best offer.

    HowDumbDoIThinkYouAre@yahtoo.com

    Adores: 6
  26. 2009 October 23
    Mrphysic permalink

    your can isnt funky at all. i know you think its funky but actually its not funky. not at all. it feels and sounds so wholesome. youre faking the funky. thats so lame. whats more lame is all these people above finds it funky. oh well. thanks for sharing. i feel better now.

    google “the most rancid food in the universe”. now thats some funky shit!

    Adores: 13
  27. 2009 October 24
    dogface permalink

    They should try to sell this at an antique store. Some weirdo out there will buy it. (What? Who said anything about that twenty year old bottle of Mello Yello sitting on my shelf…)

    Adores: 1
  28. 2009 October 24
    jackie31337 permalink

    The first thing that came to mind for me upon reading this was “my only can of Crisco is where it’s s’posed to be”. Thanks for the earworm.

    Adores: 0
  29. 2009 October 25

    Crisco made before 1960 is like cockroaches: It can survive a nuclear holocaust (and the detrimental effects of time). So, by all accounts, this can of vintage Crisco should be perfectly safe, wholesome, nutritious, and delicious.

    Adores: 1
  30. 2009 October 27

    My roommate has a jar of martini olives from the early ’60s (we think 1962, which was the date on the newspapers in the bomb shelter with the olives). We also have a bottle of vermouth from the ’50s and a bottle of “cocktail mix” from the same era.

    We’ve never tried to sell any of these things for money though.

    Adores: 2
    • 2009 October 28
      Addicted Reader permalink

      Sounds like the makings of a great party!

      Adores: 1
  31. 2010 May 27

    Wow I am actually the only reply to your incredible article!?

    Adores: 0
  32. 2010 July 17
    Litarider permalink

    Although this isn’t a new post to YSaC, the power of the Llama-nun, bees be upon her, compels me.

    Five and seventeen pounds of crisco baked in a pie
    When the pies were opened, the Crisco began to turn,
    Wasn’t that a tainty dish to set before the Sparky?

    Adores: 0

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