YSaC, Vol. 502: I am merely a man, but I’ve got nothing but chokes for you.
2009 December 1
Chance submits this gem:
new to ###### – 32
Hi lady’s my name is Scott a little bout me. I am a 32 yr old white male, with blue eye’s brown hair. I have 2 tatt’s stand just under 6ft weigh about 225. I do have pic’s on myspace. Please spamer’s stay away have no interest in joining your free site not into the cyber sex thing. to the whores if I can buy it, I don’t want it. I don’t care how hot you are. Now back to me. My interest’s and hobbies are camping, traveling., moutain biking, sports (playing and watching), live music, casinos, party’s, 420, bars, hiking, fishing (anything outdoors), movies (dvd or going out) and lately been gitting into history. I am pretty laid back and easy to git along with don,t have very many disslikes but they are attitudes, drama, ego’s, know it all’s, and heavily religous people that’s always trying to convert someone. I am looking to git to know some of you Denver lady’s. If it turns into love and marriage great. I will still be happy if I just make new friends. Please note I want to exchange a few emails but within a day or 2 exchange numbers. A couple days later meet in public is fine, but won’t sit here for week’s just emailing life is to short. The 420 thing may bother some of you, all I can do is say hey that’s me. I don’t care if you don’t do it, as long as you don’t care that I do. It’s not my life but yes I do choke one night stands forgive me maybe it is the jack talking, maybe it’s because it has been close to 8 months,,, but in the words of sublime A cigarette pressed between her lips but I’m staring at her tits It’s the wrong way Strong if I can, but I am only a man.but even then there still has to be some chemestry. yea I’m gay like that
There’s a lot to mock here, but the submitter zeroed in on possibly the most disturbing part. Scott here “chokes one night stands.” If he’s “gitting into history,” why do I suddenly worry we’re talking about, oh, I don’t know, Whitechapel in the late 1880s?
Related posts:
“maybe it is the jack talking”
I think you’re onto something with the Whitechapel thing. He’s channeling Jack the Ripper.
I noticed that too. I immediately thought of my favorite Babylon 5 quote:
“Remembered not as a reformer, not as a prophet, not as a hero, not even as Sebastian. Remembered only… as Jack.”
Don’t judge me.
I have 2 tatt’s stand just under 6ft weigh about 225.
Translation:
just under 6 ft. = 5′10″
weigh about 225 = 250 solid!
2 tatts [sic]: Jumbo Jack with cheese & a side of fries (yeah i’m gay like that)
I’m guessing that the “jack” he’s talking about channeling is Jack-in-the-Box.
Redjac! Redjac! Redjac!
Is my NerdSensor detecting a Star Trek reference?
“Wolf in the Fold”. Oh snap!
The thing that most disturbed me is the sentence:
“I am looking to git to know some of you Denver lady’s.”
Sentence fragments just bother me. He obviously left something out. Let me try to fill it in:
“I am looking to git to know some of you Denver lady’s unwashed feet.”
See, that’s better. It now clearly illustrates what he’s after instead of ending with the posessive noun. Now if you’ll excuse me I need to go rinse my brain out with boiling bleach again.
I think the Sublime lyrics tell us exactly what he’s wanting to git to know of the lady’s.
Isn’t the Sublime song he’s quoting about having sex with an underage hooker? I thought if he can buy it he doesn’t want it.
Also, “Denver lady’s” slipped into the ad unobscured. Was that intentional?
Oops.
Back to moderator’s school for you, dan. Tsk tsk.
He’s talking about the city? I assumed he meant he wanted a woman who was cooked with ham, bell peppers, mushrooms, and cheddar cheese.
What bothers me the most is the song he’s referencing by Sublime is about seeing a girl who is 12 & a just starting turning tricks to support her family against her will. Yeah nothing says sexy like that.
Only the finest ladies use Spamer’s stays and corsets!
This would have a +20 by now, if we were in the 1880s.
Wrong, again. No surprise there.
You know, I think Dan’s title might be a little misleading. Notice the way the post begins by declaring “Lady’s my name,” and ends by announcing “I’m gay.”
The title is just one more obscure song lyric reference, I’m afraid.
I read, “I have 2 tatt’s stand just under 6ft weigh about 225″ as referring to the size of his tattoos. My questions is is that cumulative or each?
I, too, was disturbed by his choking comment especially combined with his reminder that “life is to (sic) short”. Maybe it’s those massive tattoos talking. Perhaps they’re an alien life-form that have attached themselves to him and now live in a strange symbiotic relationship with him. Perhaps, even now, they are telling him to buy cutlery. And a Twinkie. (shudder)
Obviously, one of the “tatt’s” is named The Jack and he is the one who chokes one night stands.
It’s all starting to sound like Stephen King’s next bestseller: “Choke ‘em If You Got ‘em” or “I Ink Your Blood”.
King likes one word titles so it would be “Ink” or “Tatt’s”
The Tattyknockers
*snort*
*giggle*
mudslicker, When I first glanced at that, I read the “a” as an “i”.
You’re matrixing again sarajean…hehe…
Hmmmm…main character is incapable of proper spelling, punctuation ad grammar, but his huge tattoos talk him into posting want-ads seeking new vict….I mean, “friends”. Tatoos, an It-ish sort of monster and want-ads….”Twit”?
“Life’s to short,” because right now I’m long cutlery, with an option on a shovel.
And no, you’re not reading the code correctly. The one he chokes is the un-named chicken he keeps on the night stand. Give the sad confessor a break – after eight months, “looks like it’s you and me again tonight, Rosie.”
I believe he revealed a little too much when he stated he’s the “moutain bi-king.” Although I’ve never heard it called that before.
That’s when you ride without the seat.
Or when you ride both seats on a tandem bike. Simultaneously, if you prefer.
“Life is short, or yours will be if you decide to have a one night stand with me.”
And now all I can think of is this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8pklq_ShnbA
No, no. Not “Life is short”:
“Life is to short.”
It’s his credo, or his motto—a statement sort of like the title of the Townes van Zandt song “To Live Is to Fly.”
You see, this guy really enjoys giving people less money than they deserve, like when he’s paying the tab at a restaurant. (After all, if he can buy it, he doesn’t want it.)
Life is to short as death is to _______.
A. sausage
B. coffin
C. long
D. babby
I was really good at these in school! The answer is C!
Life is to short as ____________ is to nasty and brutish.
Isn’t the answer there also life?
@isaac,
I think the fill-in for that blank seems to be “Scott.”
Sausage. The answer is always sausage.
Also: I got a prompt box that just popped up from the website that said “Cheating ‘uh?” What the hell was that about and what did I press to deserve it?!
Arallyn,
I respectfully disagree. Bacon is the answer.
Arallyn, if you click the red number twice, like if you didn’t think it took the first time, you will get that pop-up, accusing you, however wrongfully, of trying to vote twice for the same comment. This can leave you feeling shaken, downtrodden, and slightly incontinent for a whole day.
I’m at a loss as to how to punctuate one sentence correctly. Do you think he means
I am pretty-laid-back-and-easy-to-git-along-with Don
or
I am pretty, laid back, and easy to git along with, Don
?
If the latter, is he writing this ad to attract Don Cheadle, Don King, or Don Knotts? Or possibly that Japanese actor, Don Keykong?
Had I been drinking something it would have gone all over my computer screen. One thousand kudos to you Isaac.
Actually Isaac, it is Donny Osmond whom he is trying to attract. He used Don because that’s what all the cool kids call him.
isaac, I believe he’s addressing:
Must be Don.
http://www.yousuckatcraigslist.com/?p=3393
Maybe he is Sancho Panza writing to Don Quixote.
Or Phillip Michael Thomas seeking Don Johnson?
Clint Eastwood seeking Don Rickles?
The Rutgers University women’s basketball team looking for Don Imus?
Barbara Feldon trying to find Don Adams? (He’s dead, hon…)
Frances Langford searching for Don Ameche? (You’re both dead!)
“Hi lady’s my name is Scott a little bout me.”
Hello, Mr. Alittleboutme.
“I am a 32 yr old white male, with blue eye’s brown hair.”
Well, Sinatra did have nice looking hair.
The bit I like is the “blue eye’s brown hair”. Leaves me wondering what colour hair his green eye has.
I will financially support anyone who can invent a way to make computers give people an electric shock when they insert an apostrophe when pluralizing a word.
I thought he was saying that he owns some of Frank Sinatra’s hair. Very cool, if true.
But he correctly spelled “whores.” Was I the only one who found that a little disturbing? Particularly after being enlightened as to the Sublime lyrics?
If he’s gay, why is he looking to date/marry women?
This one made my brain go all ’splody.
The creep alert was raised to orange when he not only tells “spamers” and “the whores” to stay away (like that would actually work), but tells them exactly what he’s not interested in. Almost as if he’s done this sort of thing before…
Ask the wrong lady on the corner for “directions” one too many times, did we? Maybe brought back a little “souvenir” from vacation that took a few antibiotics to get rid of, hmm?
And my mother wonders why I never date. I should print this out and have it on hand the next time she starts asking me if I have any beaux.
The scattershot approach to puctuation was especially annoying. As if the poster had a handful of apostrophes left after he wrote it and decided to jam them in wherever he felt like sticking them. (That conjures up unpleasant images.) Makes me want to donate to screamer’s project to booby-trap keyboards to prevent apostrophe abuse. But instead of an electric shock,can I suggest that it should inject a very powerful and fast acting laxative?
how about a sterilization agent?
How about a combo?
First, they get the shock.
Second offense means the laxative.
Third time, you’re outta the gene pool!
How about a band name? Spammer and the Whores. Has to be metal.
can’t compete with Less Than Judy
I see he’s appealing to the intellectual crowd. He notes his literary prowess: “I do have pic’s on myspace. ” I to have read Pic’s dissertation, On Myspace, truly it provides an intriguing insight into our generation. A worthy sequel to his work, On Geocities.
Ah, yes! It’s a fascinating interrogation of identity and heteronormative ideology in the post-Foucauldian era.
Right up there with On Raised Curiosity by Pique, On Oral Ablutions by Pik, and On Caledonian Woad, by Pict.
I am really geeking out right now. Is it weird that I found that hilarious?
Not to me, FWIW.
Oh! and I forgot On Transubstantiation by Pyx.
Not to mention On Acne Scars by Pock, On the Pursuit of Phantoms by Pac, On Touch-Typing by Peck, and On the Foolishness of These Mortals by Puck.
Oh my good University of Illinois Press, please stop, I can’t stop laughing.
I’m going all tingly again ♥
I prefer Puck’s other work, On Ice. Also, don’t forget On Mules by Pack, On Mining by Pick, On On-line Photos by Pix, On Chest Muscles by Pec, On Venereal Disease by Pox, and my personal favourite, On Romana by Pax.
In my head I keep repunctuating one of those titles as On-Chest Muscles.
It’s been 8 months and he still refuses to pay for it, gotta give the guy some props for having standards.
It could also mean any of the following;
* He’s been in prison and has escaped/been released and is hankerin’ for some lovin’.
*He has recently stopped taking the antidepressants that destroyed his libido.
*He’s married.
*His old insurance would not cover the famous Little Blue Pill, so he switched and had to wait until his “pre-existing condition” was covered.
*He is an astronaut recently returned from space.
*He was a She until the surgery and it took a while for the scars to heal.
Really, the possibilities are endless.
Just Plain Ugly with No Social Skills.
Even a J.P.U.N.S.S. should be able to do the short-arm handshake with someone, possibly even someone who is now or once was a woman, unless their local bar stopped offering half-priced drinks on Ladies’ Night.
The thing that gets me about the JPUNSS is that they seem to have some lack of self-awareness that normal, reasonably cute, socially-skilled guys have and which makes the normaltons a little bit shy. Or, as one of my coworkers said her friend told her, “trolls are bold.”
Now there’s a band name. As long as they look like the guys from Weezer.
Hey Scott!
Just like you I’m into fishing (anything outdoors)and lately I’ve also been gitting into history.
My disslikes are heavily religous people and I have no interest in joining your free site.
I won’t sit here for week’s just emailing life is to short but I would really like to git to know you better, especially your blue eye’s brown hair and 2 tatt’s, because yea I’m gay like that.
I find it amusing that the ads in the top right are all for dating sites, including something called “Date A Cougar”, which just sounds bizarre.
(Yes, I know what a cougar is. Still looks odd.)
I’m getting “Meet Muslim Ladies” now.
Me? “JewCanoodle.”
Now it’s offering to hook me up with Albanian ladies.
Me – senior dating agency (HUH!!), BeNaughty and classicalpartners. So they’re offering me Wagnerian Rude Lesbian Pensioners ….. my favourite group!
I’m getting “women meet men”
“Single Rich Women Ads” – Maybe we should forward that one to ol’ Scott? Although he would probably prefer “Single Rich Women Ad’s”.
Military Singles for me.
I have Men 4 Men Online and Minneapolis Singles, which inexplicably mentions that Prince lives in Minneapolis. Isn’t Prince married or something?
I’m pretty sure he is and has kids, but it might be one of those ‘open’ marriages.
I’ve got “Date Married Women” now, and the Albanians again. Is there some new fetish involving Eastern European women that I am not aware of? Are Albanians the new Asian chicks?
I’m just getting “Meet local singles.” How boring. : /
MarriedSecrets.com, match.com, and women for men.
I hope there is not a reciprocal link to this guys post on that woman to men site! poor women! and yeah, prince is married, but come on.. who’s he foolin..
as an off topic aside, where’s igor these days?
Igor reported from FB the other day that he was spending time in person, actually speaking, in person, to his relatives. Depending on one’s family, that can be onerous and tiring.
…also, it is for losers. All the cool people are here on the computer, not in “person.”
I know, totally. Face-to-face conversing is a hideous relic of a bygone age!
Someone please revoke his apostrophe privileges.
In Soviet Russia, apostrophe privileges revoke you!
Point, set and game!
“It’s not my life but yes I do choke one night stands ”
I don’t get it. What does he mean?
I was wondering the same thing. It’s actually really disturbing! Usually I can tell what they mean but this one has me totally stumped and I’m hoping someone can tell me he doesn’t ACTUALLY choke one night stands.
Maybe he means it more like this:
“It’s not my life, but yes, I do—gasp—one night stands.”
But I might be giving him more benefit if the doubt than he deserves.
Actually, I think that’s what he was going for (Although I’m wondering how he could have read over his ad and not realized at some point that it sounded as if he liked to occasionally asphyxiate people).
Read over?
The only thing I can think is he likes one night stands with who like erotic asphyxiation….
My husband has been know to use the term “choke the monkey” for when someone is having sex with no one else in the room…..maybe he’s saying he has the occasional wank.
The way I parsed it was “It [420] is not my life, but yes I do choke [misspelling for toke?], have one night stands [incomplete list of his flaws]“.
Subtext: Oh shucks, I’m not perfect, and admitting this will make you see what a great, down-to-earth, humble guy I am. Now please lay still while I wind your stockings gently around your neck…
It might be that he likes to strangle furniture.(nightstands)
Only one at a time, though.
Question(s): Do all of the people who post personals smoke pot? Do they also think referring to it as being “420 friendly” is any better than just saying “Hey, I do drugs”?
Saying you’re 420 friendly is a nice way to say you only smoke pot and are not some crazy crack head, and have probably nver robbed your own grandmother to buy drugs.
Fair enough – but do all CL personal posters smoke pot? :/
To write some of the things I’ve seen … There has to be some sort of recreational chemicals involved. It would be too terrible to contemplate otherwise.
I’m confused. He says he is into lady’s and doesn’t want any whores and then signs off with a song about a babby prostitute and declaring he is in fact gay.
The preferred (politically correct) term is mini hore.
Not mine hore?
Only if they are German.
The Mine Hore would not tolerate this man’s stupidity and would eat him.
Scott’s a smarmy little wordster.
When he says he’s “gay like that” he in fact actually means, “yeah, I know it’s stupid/silly and over the top but this is what I prefer.”
At least that’s how my grandma explained it to me.
And isaac, I thought the term for mini hore was horette
Actually, it’s prostitots.
Gay means happy. Goes with the stays and corsets.
I can’t wait until they let happy people get married!
So everyone’s already commented on the painful misuse of apostrophes in plurals.
But did anyone else catch where those apostrophes came from? “don,t have very many disslikes” He ran out of apostrophes and so had to use a comma in a contraction. So sad.
I think the apostrophe just collapsed from overexertion.
Is a disslike an insult which you approve of? Or something you enjoy denigrating? If it’s the latter, he should definately include horettes / mine hores on his list, based on his other comments. And also correct punctuation and spelling. And sanity.
Duh…it’s stuff I like.
He’s wrong, though, as I don’t like attitudes, drama, or any of that stuff. A few of the things Diss likes: Diet Coke, brownies, action movies, and winning arguments.
Well, Diss, you’re in luck, because I’ve got a winning argument for you!
Actually, he meant to say don’s have very many disslikes. As has been noted above, he is searching for a Don, and he is saddened by how picky they are – they don’t like him back the way he likes them. They might be gay, but not like that.
If life has taught me anything, it is the following:
Where
x=length of Craig’s List personal
and
f(x)=probability of getting a response to said personal,
f(x) = a e^{- { frac{(x-b)^2 }{ 2 c^2} } }
So the answer to life is PIE (aka π)???
PIE! PIE! PIE! PIE!
banana cream, chocolate cream, key lime, et al….
That’s my final answer.
I was under the impression that it was 42, but I can swallow PIE.
as you can tell, Math is not my forte…
Neither is it mine. I won’t go into the embarassing process I had to go through to get that equation.
I thought 42 was the answer to everything!
Do you know where your towel is?
Wait, does the equation actually MEAN something, or is it random gibberish? Left to my own devices, I’ll never know.
Should have read further. Dang.
Also, if you’re having difficulty graphing this, hover your mouse over the equation.
I LOVE bell curves!!!
Especially this time of year (every time a bell curves, an “angle” gets its wings).
Yes! Math jokes! Keep ‘em coming!
Whoa, how did you do that? (The mouse-hover text, I mean.)
1. Before the text, put the HTML tag with the content being “acronym title=”blah blah blah” [whatever you want to show up on mouseover] and the closing tag as /acronym.
2. ????
3. PROFIT!
So earlier I guess I meant to say ham, f(x) = a e^{- { frac{(x-b)^2 }{ 2 c^2} } } peppers, mushrooms, and cheddar cheese.
I’d give you +MORE if I could.
To the whores if I can buy it, I don’t want it. I don’t care how hot you are. Now back to me.
Haven’t I heard that in a rap song?
Actually, you’ve probably heard that in EVERY rap song.
You people have no idea how happy this website makes me when there can be 80+ comments, and over half of them are ripping on incorrect apostrophe use. I have found my people. <3
There are SO many problems with this man, but his random injection of apostrophes still bothers me the most.
grammar/puncutation lovers and cat lovers…feels like home to me as well!
XD You edited out the location in the title but not the passage
I caught this too! Maybe the title was a bit more specific as to what part of the city he lived in. :p
Catching up after long day the maths, pox (etc) authors and book titles and apostrophe comments have had me chuckling into my cocoa! Heartfelt congratlations to you all.
Ok, to clear one thing up, “choke” is slang for “plenty” or similar.
So, when this bonehead is saying he does “choke one night stands” he’s saying he “has a lot of one night stands”, not that he wants to choke a bitch.
consider me officially outside the realm of the cool kids then. i’ve never heard that.
I’m not sure if it’s surf culture, stoners, or Pidgin (slang in Hawaii), but I don’t know how some dude from Denver knows to use “choke” like that.
And I’m not cool, just live in Hawaii. When someone asks if there will be booze at the party, the acceptable response would be “choke”. LOL
Well, count me in the club of people who didn’t know that! I read a book where there was a character who spoke almost exclusively in Pidgin, but I still didn’t get what he was saying there.
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. I had no idea what he meant, and it was driving me crazy.
He forgot to include apostrophes in his “interests and hobbies” portion.
Ad very disturbing, but at least the headline made me want to listen to XTC’s Merely a Man, song I hadn’t thought of in ages. So thanks for that.
Hooray! Someone got it!
So my grown-up daughter introduced me to this site and now I’m hooked. It almost always gives me a crumbs/tea-in-the-keyboard moment. Glad to know there are such witty and literate young folks out there. Gives me a good comeback when the truly old farts grumble about the “youth of today.” Not that I think you guys are kids. It’s just that, to me, anyone under 50 is still a youngster. Thanks again for the laughs and a way to keep up with what’s out there. (BTW, I’ve warned all my address book folks that gratuitous use of the apostrophe is grounds for instant delete.)
Welcome to the site, C. G.!
Welcome, C. G.!
Love that name! I’m going to start referring to myself as “chronologically gifted” when dealing with people younger than me. (There seem to be more and more of those every year…)
Welcome, Crony, and just for reference, I don’t fit your parameters for youngster.
Which means we will have some similar memories coming up on here. Hooray!
Welcome CG. I too am the other side of the 50 mountain and looking forward to a thoroughly mischievous ‘old age’.
I like the input of the 50+ crowd. There are soooo many teens on the net making mindless comments that the balance of some wise people “of a certain age” is a welcome corrective. Particularly as I am closer to 50 than 30 at this point. *cough*
Wow, I was just kind of going with the flow on this one: thinks an apostrophe means “here comes an s”; thinks that nobody but himself and a select few know what “420″ means; misspeller; unrealistic expectations…you know, the usual “what a d*psh*t” YSaC stuff. Amusing, but no big deal.
Then suddenly, there it is: “yes I do choke one night stands forgive me” and it all goes spiralling into nightmare territory.
Scott the Ripper doesn’t really have the same ring to it.
(I *just* found this site, and all of you are horribly cruel to make me laugh so hard when poor hubby is in the next room trying to sleep!)
I know this is way late, but I interpreted “yes I do choke one night stands forgive me” to mean that he has had one-night stands in the past, and he failed to perform on those occasions, i.e. he “choked.”