YSaC, Vol. 516: Not what you think.
2009 December 15
Sometimes Craigslist ads can give you the wrong impression of what’s actually for sale. Sometimes it’s just the title:
child eating booster to take anywhere
I hate those non-portable child eating boosters. Then you have to lure the children to where you’re keeping the booster, and that’s such a hassle. It’s so much easier when you can take the child eating booster anywhere — preferably to where the children already are.
Sometimes, you wonder if they did it on purpose:
FREE – One Night Stand
Older night stand left over from re-modeling. Hate to throw it away,
so it’s yours for the taking.
And sometimes, it’s definitely on purpose:
FREE BALLS!
5 softballs
2 lacrosse balls
1 sack containing said balls and ample innuendo
Thanks, Kerrie & Casey, Kasia, and CJ!
Wink, wink, nudge nudge! Say No More, Squire! That last post must have been one of our regular commentators. 8)
The free balls ad definitely gets my vote for possibly awesome!
But if they are still in the gunny sack, are they really free? Let my equipment go!
But if you let your equipment go free-range, you could have balls bouncing around all over the place! They could get all scuffed up and dirty, everyone would have to spend more time waxing their balls. And what would you do with the empty sack? It would just be crumpled there, all hollow and sad.
I’m out there, Jerry, and I’m LOVING EVERY MINUTE OF IT!
I’d really like to get my hands on those balls.
Typical. The balls get all the attention and the sack gets relegated to a supporting role.
Ample innuendo sounds like a good idea, but it can get stale fast.I like to simmer mine in sarcasm first, to preserve the freshness, and then sprinkle liberally with the crushed dreams of my conquered enemies. They are tangy and lemon scented!
Ample Innuendo!
NBN (New Band Name)
*cha-ching*
It’s so good I would actually use it.
Of course only if they were opening for Grossly Overcompensating!
And opening for them – The Freudian Slips, with their hit single “I Dream of Cigars”!
The song’s full title is “I Dream of Cigars (and Flying).”
B Side of that single:
McKenzie Phillips singing her cover version of My Heart Belongs to Daddy.
P.S. YS@C is such a stress reliever during Finals Week.
Sarajean, A Freudian Slip IS actually a band in Baltimore.
Oh, poodles! I knew that would be too good for someone to pass up, but I was hoping. Are they any good?
I actually read it as ‘Apple innuendo‘.
Which is just weird.
But also a good band name.
Apple innuendo = sexting on your iPhone?
In your end-o.
*giggle*
That’s what she said.
Haven’t you heard? All the *cool* kids have started saying “Now that could be deemed inappropriate.” (;
I never claimed to be a cool kid 😉 I just thought it was funny, since technically that was what she (Stephanie) said.
Love walks out the door when money flies in you-end-o.
Windrose, has anyone ever told you that your picture bird looks really delicious? The orange and yellow bit, I mean. Not the underneath. Probably just looks like any other gross poultry then.
She is tasty. But she thinks I’m here to worship her. Sigh.
This reminds me of that great old farmer…
He was one man, out standing in his field.
Was he a sheep farmer, perhaps?
I have a cook book called Outstanding in the field: a farm to table cook book, I wonder if it’s the same guy…
Portable child-eating boosters are way more valuable than stationary ones. Even so, you can’t take them “anywhere.” There are laws, you know.
Give it time Ed. Before you know it, they’ll be on the recall list and the problem will take care of itself.
I would think that old nightstand would be grateful for anything it got, one night or long term.
And the older it gets the more grateful it will be for any attention, even if it’s just a quick dusting before bed. Get out the Murphy’s Oil Soap and chamois and it will start buying you jewelry and townhomes.
lost_compass would be pretty much set for life if he got this thing, then.
Well, I’d have to see a photo first (I know I’m shallow, but looks do matter).
You know how it is… at the bar the night before, they seem long-legged and cherry, then the next morning it turns out they’re alder, or really a beech.
Or worse yet, veneer.
Or whatever that stuff is on the sides of a faux wood-paneled station wagon. That’s just too cheap and common for words.
Lola, Luveval: get thee (each) to a punnery. I had a nice gooftastic buzz going from Lost_Compass’s paronomasia, and y’all are harshing it.
(No offense intended, really. But it was such a fine batch of puns.)
The princess has a point, it would be terrible if you got something veneereal from a bar ( or from one nightstand)
Seriously, that was awesome!
lost-compass does have me giggling over his wood, which is normally something men like to avoid.
But Isaac, I’m just warning him about those cheap models with the bad plastic work! You don’t know how many times they’ve been dented and hammered out.
And most of those cheaper models get shellacked on a fairly regular basis.
It’s a pretty rough life, very gritty.
Have you never come home with a poplar girl lost_c? Just those giant sequoias who want you to take them out for pancakes in the morning, eh?
And watch those Maples or things can get sticky.
I SOOO want one of those child-eating boosters. I can take it with me to restaurants and then when people just let their kids have tantrums (note: Not the same as someone unsuccessfully quieting a tantruming child; I’ve seen both) I will tell them, “Try this booster chair! It never fails to get them to be quiet!” There’s a little shrieking at first, of course, but then all is nicely quiet. If the parents are of the “Don’t tell me how to raise my kids!” variety, I can still leave the booster in close proximity to one of their limbs. Chances are that when they have to leave for the emergency room, they will take the kids, and then all is nicely quiet.
I was raised by people who, on the few occasions that I did pitch fits, took me out to the car. My father’s reasoning: “Those people did not go out to dinner to listen to you scream.” I agree with this to this day. I certainly don’t go out to dinner to hear anyone scream. Unless of course they find something in their food, and then I want to hear all about it, so I can leave.
As for the second ad, I can see my mother (brain still in the Eisenhower single-entendre era) writing it and finding nothing unseemly, and then posting it.
The last one? I can totally see several people I know writing it.
Sounds alot like the premise of the next Stephen King novel. Seriously. He would do this. And he would write the story in no less than 863 pages so that children in booster seats could relay the story to their therapists 25 years later.
The title would be called Chomp.
*Stephen King has taken my brain hostage this week. It must be the batteries!*
Now all I’m thinking of is a Patton Oswalt sketch I heard the other day. He was going on about trying to pitch storylines in Hollywood. He brought up what I think is the funniest idea ever: “Death Bed: The Bed that Eats People”. I think “Booster: The Seat that Eats Children” could be the direct to dvd sequal.
http://www.poetv.com/video.php?vid=23243
Actually, I think someone was talking about “Death Bed” on NPR this weekend. If I’m recalling this correctly, it got made(!). The reason it stuck in my head was that it was described as having rather a high amount of unintentional comedy from its utter badness.
IMDB confirms this: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0385639/
Ah, the ’70s – wonderfully terrible horror films!
I don’t know if it was a 70’s movie, but the other night “The Killer Condom” was on Logo at about 3 am…I watched about 20 minutes of it, but if it weren’t a night I had to wake up after, I would have definitely watched the whole thing. It was so bad, it was good.
The only problem was that it was in german…
I know what you mean Lola, my parents were the same. Whether it was a meal out, a shopping trip, a visit to relatives etc it didn’t matter, tantrum = removal. And it worked too, as I soon realised, as did my brothers when their turn came, that I not only missed far too much of the event in question to make a tantrum worthwhile, I also never got whatever it was I was demanding anyway.
Ditto here. If it was a really bad tantrum, I’d usually get a spanking in the car before being marched back inside. My sister and I learned fast, if either Mom or Dad said “Be quiet!”, you’d best be quiet if you wanted to continue to enjoy sitting down.
Man I was too afraid of incurring the wrath my parents to ever have a tantrum In public….
Mine were the opposite – they’d leave. Seriously, they once picked up their food, in a restaurant and went to a different table. I shut up pretty quickly – I was in a high-chair which had those awesome child-size ECT-type restraints, making it damn impossible to get out of without parental assistance and I wanted to leave that place at some point.
They also used to turn our chairs around, so we were screaming at a window or wall. That’s just embarrassing. Huzzah for British parents who know the power of intentionally shaming your kids! 😀
Whereas I was a perfect child. Always well-behaved. Always sweet and courteous. Don’t believe anything you hear from my older siblings. I was an angel. Of course, I don’t remember being out in public much. I wonder why?
I have never heard of said balls. What sport are those used for?
Oh, it’s the newest game everyone of consenting age is playing. Just go up to the nearest semi-attractive man and tell him you would like to play with his balls and his sack. He will be delighted to show you how to play with them, since it’s a good bet that he has played with them himself within the last twenty-four hours.
They get weirded out if you ask to take the balls out and climb in the sack, though.
You should ask the guy in the add:
“Dear Sir, I am extremely interested in your balls and would like to know more about them. Perhaps we could arrange a time to meet so I could take a look at them and you could explain their use to me.”
” … explain and demonstrate … ”
And be sure to ask if he can measure them.
That’s kind of long. How about:
“Dear Sir, when can I come over and check out your balls. I’d like to see your sack while I’m there.”
before I even read this I just have to say “woohoo! Hey Terran, we made the “don’t suck” section”
We should all get punch cards and punch a hole in it every time we make it to the Don’t Suck box. The first person with 30 punches gets 30 free internet hours!
Here, I’ll donate this AOL CD I found while cleaning that has that on it!
I’ve heard of crossed eyes, but lacrossed balls? Ouch.
http://emailsfromcrazypeople.com/2009/12/10/magnets-and-testicles-do-not-mix/
Ouch, Indeed.
That.
Was.
Hilarious!
In case you can’t afford a fancy mobile child eating booster, you can compensate by using a standard, stationary child eating booster in conjunction with this:
http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/12/epic-fail-candy-man-fail.jpg
Perhaps the booster in question is not a seat. This might be an ad looking for a job as a fundraiser. Their only requirement is that they be allowed to eat children while doing so, BUT they are willing to travel anywhere!
I was thinking it was the sort of thing you get after you’ve already had your first dip-tet. Third or fourth booster, and it’s loaded with necrotizing fasciitis.
I already have an unreasonable fear of any flesh-eating afflictions, and now you bring this up. I’m never getting another immunization again.
Wow, Isaac, you’re more effective than Glen Beck! And possibly as affective…
The Surgeon General responds to accusations that the HPV immunization is like an injection of Brown Recluse venom… next, on Isaac Beck.
Diptet? How many musicians are in a group that size?
Lulz!
How many in a diptet? Two dumb ones, I think.
But did you clicky on my linky?
I clicked on your link: “Mind you don’t cut yourself, Mordecai” is one of my favorite lines. Hi needs a child eating booster a.s.a.p.
“I’m crappin’ you negative” is one of my all-time favorite lines. I had forgotten about it until I watched that clip this morning.
I forgot that line. What a great great movie. I remember seeing it when it came out in the early 80s and just being amazed by it. How about, “These blow up into funny shapes and all? Well no… unless round is funny.” And, something like: “I don’t know, they had yodas and shit on em”
The movie is worth re-watching for Nicolas Cage’s hair alone.
It’s a serious problem. I lost a child to the child eating booster. I guess I can now use a free one night stand (with free balls, of course) to remedy the situation. YSaC – the cause of, and the solution to all life’s problems.
This is WAY off-topic, but is anyone getting ads for cold medicines in their ad-of-the-day spot? I keep getting Mucinex and Delsym ads for some reason.
I noticed those as well. I think they think we’re sick.
Are you suggesting we’re not?
Don’t make me look again. M4M and Auto posters. Sheesh.
I have a non-portable child-eating booster too. I keep it in the mine out back, where all my mine hores live.
It’s no trouble at all to lure kids to my child-eating booster. They just love to come riding those mine hores, and when they’re not looking….NOM NOM NOM. I have the most well-fed child eating booster in town.
Some of us aren’t lucky enough to have mine hores. I can only dream of keeping livestock, and decorate my home with dozens of pictures of beautiful, striped lions.
As for that last ad, that guy’s got a lot of balls!
Booster no eat child. Booster good boy. Booster go anywhere.
Squee! I feel like I won the internet today! Thank you, oh great llama-nun, for featuring my post from yesterday.
See punch card comment above. 8)
That’s a lot of balls for one sack. Must be a big sack….
Have you heard of polyorchidism? This is an extreme case.
Isn’t polyorchidism practiced by people who worship parrots and flowers?
Ooooh that sounds pretty!
Windrose? Can we get an opinion on this one, since you are multiply-bird owning?
Well the bird part is easy, but the orchids aren’t nearly as smart and take a lot more work to grow. What was the question?
Orchids require symbiotic fungi to grow, and the fungi must infest them within 5 hours of the first root shoot emerging, or they’ll die.
[/end goddamn botany studying]
Symbiotic Fungi rocked hard with Polyorchidism at the One Night Stand last night. And the best part- it was FREE!
so i assume the balls come (ahem) with the one night stand…
I think this shows just how important it is to properly parse your sentences.
I think we’ve all proven today that you can’t beat a sack and some balls…
well I certainly wouldn’t recommend beating them, sounds painful.