YSaC, Vol. 536: Die Harmonica der Welt

2010 January 4

How’s your brain today? Not hurting? Beth sends us a way to fix that:

I will record the music of sports and here is an example of my plan to mix
music and sports:

Doo-Doo-Doo-Doo Dooooo (Crunch-Crunch) (Crunch-Crunch)
Doo-Doo-Doo-Doo Dooooo (Swat-Swat) (Swat-Swat)

The Crunch-Crunch will be a football tackle you know how it sound when there is a tackle.
The Swat-Swat will be a tennis racket being hit by the ball with a tennis player swat swatting at the ball.

I do need someone with videoconferencing technology because my primary partners are in Denmark. If you can play the harmonica that would earn you “brownie points” in “my book” and might even give you job security for this job. Videoconferencing and harmonica would be perfect thank you for reading watch for my cd limited release in USA although primary release in Denmark is self-titled as “Musik af Sportsbegivenheder Crunch der Swat.”

When I read that first chunk of onomatopoeia, all I can hear is the Blue Danube Waltz. Sing it with me!
“Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo. CRUNCH CRUNCH, CRUNCH CRUNCH!
Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo. Swat Swat, Swat Swat!”

Still though.. I know there are dozens of unemployed people with strong backgrounds in videoconferencing and harmonica, so I think it’s great that the economy is picking up enough to once again provide them with opportunities.

By itself, this post would be a small masterpiece of Craigslist suckitude, but wait! There’s a part two:

Thank you for the response time to my original advertisement that promoted the recruitement of videoconferencer/harmonica and the question on revenue-sharing. Now I will answer:

The revenue-sharing commission structure of “Musik af Sportsbegivenheder Crunch der Swat” will be based on formula to combine US/Denmark pay scale deducted from broadband usage time from videoconferencer.

“Musik af Sportsbegivenheder Crunch der Swat” harmonica commissions to be counted not on per-second rate but interest/sales revenue-based program counted in tune, as in g minor, g major, flat sharp- all must stay in g. Payscale program is also “to be determined” and “at my discretion” as appropriate deductions categorized outside range of g in “Musik af
Sportsbegivenheder Crunch der Swat.”

According to Alexander Scriabin, G Major is a very orange sort of key. Of course, Scriabin also believed that when his final work was completed and performed, it would bring about the end of the world, so perhaps we shouldn’t put too much stock in his beliefs.

Still, he doesn’t seem much crazier than this guy.

58 Responses leave one →
  1. 2010 January 4
    Windrose permalink

    You do this to us on a Monday? The FIRST Monday of 2010? Oh, the humanity. PS–Ron, come get your first card punch! Hooray!

    Adores: 3
    • 2010 January 4
      Windrose permalink

      I must not have been awake when I checked in this morning. I could have sworn Ron was the lucky person who didn’t suck. Oh well.

      Adores: 0
      • 2010 January 4
        Pianodan permalink

        I think that was from yesterday.

        Adores: 0
  2. 2010 January 4

    This can’t possible be genuine, can it? Is this person seriously advertising for a harmonica playing teleconferencing expert? If so, I’d like to sing my response for him/her.
    a one and a two and a:
    giggle, giggle, giggle, snort, snort!
    giggle, snort, giggle!
    giggle, giggle, cough, choke, splutter!

    It’s even better in real life with my cat singing harmonies!*

    *and by “singing harmonies” I mean yowling miserably in the background because I locked him out of the bathroom so he can no longer meow threateningly at the cat in the mirror.

    Adores: 31
  3. 2010 January 4
    Lola permalink

    The Blue Danube is now definitely ensconced in my head … there are worse earworms than that for a Monday.
    Moving along, I love this portion:
    “The revenue-sharing commission structure of “Musik af Sportsbegivenheder Crunch der Swat” will be based on formula to combine US/Denmark pay scale deducted from broadband usage time from videoconferencer.

    ‘Musik af Sportsbegivenheder Crunch der Swat’ harmonica commissions to be counted not on per-second rate but interest/sales revenue-based program counted in tune, as in g minor, g major, flat sharp- all must stay in g. Payscale program is also ‘to be determined’ and ‘at my discretion’ as appropriate deductions categorized outside range of g in ‘Musik af
    Sportsbegivenheder Crunch der Swat.’”

    Were anyone foolish enough to take the guy up on it, I can just imagine the years of Jarndyce v. Jarndyce-type litigation that could ensue. Arguments over whether the person playing the harmonica was or wasn’t in tune, and also whether the soi-disant composer’s “discretion” regarding “appropriate deductions” were in fact appropriate could clog small-claims venues for decades to come …
    Or, if you really wanted to be a jerk, perform, pretend you’re doing it for free, and then copyright the music yourself. When doofus here finally gets around to doing that (after sharing his “tune” on CL for anyone who cares ot read), you’ve blocked him. :P

    Adores: 2
    • 2010 January 4

      If I remember right, a harmonica can’t be out of key. You need a different harmonica for each key. That’s why the heavy dude from Blues Traveler had the bandolier straps.

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 January 4
        Bianchi Sound permalink

        You, sir, have never been to a blues jam. Regardless of what key the harmonica is in, there are plenty of ways to play one out of key.

        I think John Popper had a bandolier so that he could look like a slightly less hairy Chewbacca.

        Adores: 18
  4. 2010 January 4

    I thought marching bands were the music of sports…..

    Adores: 6
    • 2010 April 30

      [Post Ex Post Facto]No, no, no, Sports are the sideshow.[/Post Ex Post Facto]

      Adores: 1
  5. 2010 January 4
    mudslicker permalink

    Unfortunately, not a bit of Strauss in my head. Merely Ludwig van Beethoven’s Ninth. Which begs the question: Did Alex post this?

    “It had been a wonderful evening and what I needed now to give it the perfect ending was a bit of the old Ludwig van.
    Then, brothers, it came.
    O bliss, bliss and heaven,
    oh it was gorgeousness and georgeosity made flesh.
    The trombones [I mean harmonicas!] crunched redgold under my bed, and
    behind my gulliver the trumpets [harmonicas I said!]
    three-wise, silver-flamed and there by the door the timps rolling through my guts and out again,
    crunched like candy thunder.”

    O my brothers, let the ultra-violence of the tennis rackets *swat swat* begin!

    Adores: 6
  6. 2010 January 4
    Colleen in MA permalink

    Happy New Year everyone! crunch! crunch!
    Bring on that crazy.

    Adores: 3
    • 2010 January 4
      Colleen in MA permalink

      I just saw my avatar and thought I’d mention that Misty had to be put down on New Year’s Day. It was sudden and so sad. My little beatnik is at peace now.

      And, no – I won’t be selling her body as an art installation or contacting anyone on CL to create a “professional” and “beautiful” portrait. Just to put that out there.

      Adores: 6
      • 2010 January 4
        Lola permalink

        Oh Colleen. What a sad start to the year. Much sympathy.

        Adores: 0
      • 2010 January 4
        sarajean80 permalink

        I’m so sorry, Colleen. You have my condolences.

        Adores: 0
      • 2010 January 4
        Addicted Reader permalink

        I’m so sorry to hear that. My sympathies.

        Adores: 0
      • 2010 January 4

        so sorry to hear that Colleen, will be thinking of you.

        Adores: 0
      • 2010 January 4

        Oh, Colleen, I’m so sorry. Thinking of you.

        Adores: 0
        • 2010 January 4
          Bianchi Sound permalink

          Sorry to hear about Misty. I just went to pet Hunter (my Avatar) in Misty’s honor.

          Adores: 0
      • 2010 January 4
        Mimi permalink

        My sincere empathy to you Colleen. It’s really hard to lose a beloved fuzz-ball. My heart goes out to you.

        Adores: 0
      • 2010 January 4

        Oh no, I’m so sorry. It’s so sad when we lose our kitties. *hugs*

        Adores: 0
      • 2010 January 4

        I’m sorry about your kitty. I’ll give my kitties extra belly rubs in Misty’s honor.

        Adores: 0
      • 2010 January 4
        Innana permalink

        That’s a hard thing to go through. I am so sorry to hear it happened.

        Adores: 0
      • 2010 January 4
        Cled permalink

        I am so very sorry, Colleen. I lost my Oscar several years ago. It’s very, very hard. Thank you for sharing the sad news with us.

        Adores: 0
        • 2010 January 4
          Colleen in MA permalink

          Aw, thank you to everyone! Your kind words to my off-topic news has brightened my day. I can safely say that “you all don’t suck” at kind commenting!! ((hugs))

          Adores: 2
      • 2010 January 4
        Texchanchan permalink

        I’m very sorry you lost your little friend.

        Adores: 0
        • 2010 January 4
          Windrose permalink

          Late to the list, but oh Colleen, I can so sympathize. I had to put down one of my kitties a few weeks ago, and it still haunts me that I didn’t do enough to save her. Poor thing, but she is at peace now. A huge cyber hug to you! ((HUGS))

          Adores: 0
      • 2010 January 5
        marn permalink

        my sympathies, Colleen and Windrose…so difficult to lose our babies, but such a gift to have had them at all.

        Adores: 0
  7. 2010 January 4
    sweetbiscuit21 permalink

    Sorry to hear that Colleen. Losing a fur-kid is always terrible. My condolences to you.

    Adores: 0
  8. 2010 January 4
    Addicted Reader permalink

    “Payscale program is also ‘to be determined’ and ‘at my discretion’…” = You won’t get paid. Sucker.

    Adores: 7
  9. 2010 January 4

    Well, if one is looking for a business partner who isn’t interested in getting paid and who has that perfect combination of videoconferencing and harmonica skills, I suppose CL is the perfect place to find him or her.

    It’s kind of like zombies – all the crazy people eventually end up in one spot.

    Adores: 10
  10. 2010 January 4

    congrats on not sucking Coco, I’m sure windrose will be along to punch your card later.

    Adores: 0
    • 2010 January 4

      Oh! I don’t suck! Here’s my card, Windrose. Please to punch for me?

      *waves card emblazoned with rooster at typewriter*

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 January 4
        Windrose permalink

        *punch* Way to go, Coco! You are one of the top contenders!

        Adores: 0
      • 2010 January 5

        as an aside, my mug arrived a couple of days ago, so I now have the rooster on typewriter staring out at me as I have my morning coffee.

        Adores: 0
  11. 2010 January 4
    lost_compass permalink

    I can just see this guy running around the sidelines, recording his “music of sports”. Sometime early in his project he must have taken a hockey puck to the forehead.

    Adores: 6
  12. 2010 January 4
    Bianchi Sound permalink

    I will record the music of holidays and pets and here is an example of my plan to mix holiday music and pets:

    Woof woof woof
    Woof woof woof
    Woof woof
    Woof woof woof
    Woof woof woof
    Woof-woof woof woof
    Woof-woof woof woof woof woof woof
    Woof!

    The “Woof” is the sound of a dog-voice or “woof” you know the sound when the dog barks.

    The tune will be jingle bells jingle bells jingle all the way.

    I need someone with a station wagon and some tennis balls because my “dogs” like to “go” to “the park”

    If you have a veterinarian’s license this will earn you “kiss ass” points in my “opinion.” It may even earn you a job that pays you less than you are making now with a degree like that. Pay scale is “arbitrary” and subject to “dog’s discretion” and my “ever-changing mood.”

    Thank you for reading watch for my cd limited release in USA although primary release in my mom’s basement is titled as “Jingle Dogs.”

    Adores: 35
  13. 2010 January 4
    Katie permalink

    The biggest problem that I have with this post is that they weren’t even using Danish words!! Looks way more German to me.

    Adores: 2
    • 2010 January 4
      GrahamT permalink

      I can set up teleconferences and play harmonica, but I won’t deal with Danes. Norwegians, maybe, but Danes? No way.

      Adores: 4
      • 2010 January 4
        sarajean80 permalink

        I agree. You can’t trust those Danes, what with the regicide by ear poison, the random deaths, insanity, and occasional hauntings.

        I might be thinking of something else.

        Adores: 12
        • 2010 January 4
          GrahamT permalink

          Thtop it.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 January 4

          I really resent these comments!

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 January 4
          sarajean80 permalink

          Sorry, cd – I have nothing against actual Danes, but how often do you get a chance to inject a Hamlet reference into everyday conversation?

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 January 4
          GrahamT permalink

          Yes, cd, I too am not against actual Danes. I love all of the northern European peoples.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 January 4

          Personally I think Danes are great.

          Adores: 14
        • 2010 January 4
          Windrose permalink

          There is Nothing like a Dane! Nothing in the WORLD! There is nothing you can name that is anything like a Dane!

          Adores: 8
        • 2010 July 19
          Bombdude permalink

          Danes are just GREAT!

          Adores: 0
  14. 2010 January 4
    Mimi permalink

    Darn, I prefer my payscale to be in B flat, not G. Guess I’m out of luck.

    Adores: 10
  15. 2010 January 4
    InsideJoke permalink

    I’d like to audition for this job, which may or may not give me job security. However, I feel very strongly opposed to the key of G, and will record every song in C sharp. I understand that I will not recieve pay as a result, but the opportunity just sounds too good.

    Adores: 11
  16. 2010 January 4
    Bianchi Sound permalink

    Greetings from the future!

    I’m not sure how your letter got from the 1970s to me in 2010 (yes, 2010!) but I’m sure glad it did.

    You see, here in 2010 (Yes, 2010!) we have these things called “computers” and they sure are amazing. With them you can do all sorts of astounding things. For instance, you could get a “laptop” “computer” (smaller than your average teletype machine!) (Amazing, I know!) and get a “program” (coded instructions for the “computer”) that would let you record right in your own home! I’m not kidding! What’s more, you could even get “samples” (recordings that someone else did) of things such as the football “Crunch” and tennis “swat” and put them into your recordings. There are even “samples” of “harmonica,” so you don’t have to share you windfall profits with some greedy harmonica player and his bandolier! This is not a joke. You can really do this in 2010 (Yes, 2010!)

    Your best bet would be to have yourself cryogenically frozen (or just your head, if finances are tight) and come back in 30-40 years to do your project. Trust me- no one will steal your idea before then.

    Adores: 17
  17. 2010 January 4
    Ed Snyder permalink

    I’m waiting for the Music and Sports Agency (MASA) to be formed under the Department of Commerce. The way I understand it, I would then have a relatively simple transfer from my current responsibilities with a different agency and department. Now to get busy learning the sister arts of teleconferencing and harmonica-ing. If I’m not mistaken, there’s some sort of tuition assistance available for those programs–but only when combined.

    Adores: 4
  18. 2010 January 4
    Texchanchan permalink

    Harmonica and videoconferencing. Only key of G billable. Crunch! Swat! … This is pure, classic YSaC looniness. Thanks for the good laugh on a January Monday.

    Adores: 0
  19. 2010 January 5
    Alex permalink

    The ad(s) MUST be fake, but amusing none the less. Worthy of its spot alongside the other genuinely crazy on YSaC.

    Adores: 0
  20. 2010 January 5
    MrWhite permalink

    In a related news story, Vienna police were called to the Zentralfriedhof to investigate strange whirring noises, which turned out to just be Johann Strauss spinning in his grave.

    Adores: 2
  21. 2010 January 5
    dan permalink

    Well, at least we’ve finally determined JUST how obscure a musical reference in the title has to be before no one comments on it.

    (Paul Hindemith – Die Harmonie der Welt)

    Adores: 0
    • 2010 January 8
      bonni permalink

      Hey, I only read this post just now, and the title cracked me up. But my comment was just going to be on the Crunch Crunch, Swat Swat theme. It made me think of a page from a Dr. Seuss book . . . well, probably One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish. “Brush brush brush! Comb comb comb! Everyone who loves to brush and comb / should have a pet like this at home!” [drawing of a poodle wearing a long curly wig.] But there is NO WAY I am going to come up with a charming rhyme for Crunch Crunch Swat Swat.

      Adores: 2

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