YSaC, Vol. 543: Polly want a Dayrunner?
Yar! Avast Ye Hearties! Buckle me Swash and Keelhaul…
Never mind, I can’t do it. But if you’re looking for some pirate fun, here’s two items:
Did you lose a parrot around 2004?
Did you lose a parrot around 2004 perhaps around the [location] area? If so, send me description of bird, what type of parrot, name, banded?, what the bird might have said, etc.
I must meet the person who has been so busy since 2004 that they’re just getting around to posting about the parrot they found. Maybe they’ll be able to pencil me in for a ten-minute meeting in August of 2013.
Wench – $45
I have a Master Lock 2000 lb Wench. It works good. Only used 1 time. need sell asap. if interested call or text me at ###-###-####.
Every pirate needs a good wench! And this one’s only been used once!
Thanks, Lara and William!
Aye, and that one use was to steal a parrot! Ahoy, matey, the cursed bird has been arguing with the wench ever since. Now, they both have to go or I’ll be walking the plank meself! Arrrrg.
*person finds parrot that is obviously a pet*
*six years pass*
*new “owner”/”owner”‘s children get/s tired of taking care of bird*
“Hun, do you think someone might want this bird back?”
“I dunno, put an ad on Craigslist, see if you get any response.”
I thought the exact same thing. The poster got bit one too many times and decided to finally get around to seeing if anyone actually lost the bird six years ago.
That or they had access to some truly magnificent special brownies and just now realized the parrot was a real bird and not a hallucination.
Bit too many times, or crapped on. When growing up I had a friend who had a parrot that liked sitting on me, but seemed inevitably to also crap on me while doing so. It also had a tendency to climb up my shoulder and up under my hair in the back, possibly because it was nice and warm there. For some reason, it never defecated when it did that.
My sister’s hedgehog would do the same thing. It is a very strange experience, trying to extract a small animal from your hair.
Lola, I thought you were describing one of my ex-boyfriends for a minute there …
You let your ex-boyfriends crap on your shoulder?
That seems a little on the kinky side of weird.
Sarajean, that’s a perfectly legitimate career in Thailand.
I guess I’m not as widely travelled as you are, Graham.
Hopefully the tips were decent.
I never knew how much I was getting because it was in that crazy Thai money. 😛
Which, appropriately enough, is called the ‘baht.’
I don’t care what you call it, when they’re tossed at you after someone crapped on your shoulder, it’s shameful.
Dirty job, GrahamT, but someone has to step up. Unfortunately, in doing so you were taking food out of the mouths of hungry Thai babies by keeping their parents out of work. How did you sleep at night, Mr. Colonialist Fetish(?) Worker?
If it’s any consolation, I tried to accept as few jobs as possible in order to decrease the negative impact of presence on the local economy.
2000 pounds is a pretty darned hefty wench. Though she might be useful as ballast on the pirate ship.
Should I ever be in the position to name a pub/bar, I’m calling it ‘The Hefty Wench.’ Drinks on me, Camille!
Did anyone actually start the pub names thread in the forum? I know someone suggested they would, but I couldn’t see it when I looked earlier
I did. I put it under YCaC discussions, since that is where the band names thread is.
found it, thanks sarajean, I guess the coffee just hadn’t kicked in yet when I looked earlier
Larenia, I’d definately have a drink in that pub.
I don’t personally get excited at the idea of a two-thousand-pound wench, but to each his own.
She’s a ton of fun!
I can’t decide if that pun is brilliant or terrible.
2000 lbs. explains why the wench was only used once. I could walk around that wench for hours without being able to figure out quite how to use her.
Furthermore, if you have a 2000 lbs. wench aboard, there’s no place left to store the rum.
Can it be “talk like a pirate day” on YSaC?
Arrrrrr! Fetch me me grog, wench! Stay amidships, ye be too close to starboard! Arrrrr, ye be causin’ a list, wench! Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! (pirate ship capsizes) Me 2000 lb wench be sendin’ me to davy jones locker! An’ I only use her once! ARRRRRRRRRR!
I be chokin’ on me grog at yer merry words, jg.
There parrot were a cursed poor job, does nothin’ but demand crackers an’ shit on me singlet, arrrrrr!
Arrr, a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of the fly of his pants.
The bartender asks, “Why do you have a steering wheel sticking out of your pants?”
The pirate answers, “Arrr, it’s driving me nuts!”
Oh, huh. I’ve heard that one before, but I think it was a Scotsman instead of a pirate. I guess they speak similarly when used in bar jokes.
I been lookin’ fer that Davey Jones’ locker, me bucko, but t’e only clue I have is this map of Monkee Island. Arrrrrrr!
Wasn’t that a LucasArts game?
Monkey Island!!! Whoop Whoop!
sorry, I’ve composed myself. It’s just my favoritest game EVER in the history of ANYTHING!!!
I can just imagine the sitcom whose catchphrase has the Wench repeatedly wailing: “Aye! Is that parrot still here?”
He thought he wanted to be a pirate, so he stole a parrot and found a Wench. Six years and cases of dramamine later, he realised he would rather be a ninja.
I suspect he’s getting rid of the wench because she torqued him off.
Win.
.. by making those Pillsbury dinner rolls in the galley day after day, that crescent wench.
A 2000 lb. wench…wouldn’t that be a one-ton trollop?
That sounds like the parrot I lost in 2004, but that was in #######, not [ location]. Damn!
Avast, ye know the distance between ####### and [location] tis not a wearyin’ task to a parrot.
[Please check back here for the comment I will make in 2014.]
I tried to take my time machine ahead to see your comment but crashed into the end of time in 2012. Please advise.
I really wondered if they were trying to find out who the original owner was so they could invite them to the parrot’s funeral. I thought about calling them because they live in my area and I wanted to find out if the parrot said anything about crackers but I decided it would be cruel to play with their emotions that way. First YSaC submission FTW!
“What the parrot might have said” does imply “Dead Parrot”. I’m with Lara on this one. Congrats on the submission.
Sarajean, I never knew you could have hedgehogs as pets. Aren’t they a bit sharp?
It has shuffled off this mortal coil, bereft of life it rests in peace
This BIRD has CEASED to BE! This… Is an EX-PARROT!
Only if you pet it the wrong way, otherwise it’s like petting a large hamster wrapped in short pieces of dry wheatstraw. When you startle them they rattle their quills together and scrunch their faces up so they look a little like a pig.
It’s legal in the US to have them, I’m not sure about your neck of the woods. The problem with hedgehogs as I understand it is they don’t breed well in captivity, the mothers tend to eat the babies if they are left with them and there are not many people who want to hand-raise a small (I think the average size is 3-5) litter of prickly rodents so that means the ones that are for sale are usually incredibly expensive.(Good breeders charge $150 – $300+ each depending on color, sex, lineage, and age; most have a long, carefully screened waiting list) Plus like most rodents they become agressive if not handled constantly and there are not many pet stores that want to bother with something with both sharp quills and sharp teeth.
BTW, I like the new puppy avatar ♥
“What the Parrot Might Have Said” sounds like a hit song, but I can’t remember if it was by Crawling in Botulism or the Bloodborne Pathogens…
Dead parrots tell no tales.
I thought “dead bird” too. Except I don’t think the poster wants to invite the original owners to the funeral, I think the poster doesn’t know how to dispose of a dead bird and so wants to make it someone else’s problem.
that seems properly Craigslistian.
How to dispose of a dead bird = Hefty bag + garbage can?
The ad at my upper right of page right now is
“Get Rid Of Birds
High Quality Products To Get Rid Of Birds Permanently. Shop Online Now!”
I think they mean wild ones in your yard, but the parrot-owning asshat – since they made the effort to advertise I know they have internet – just could have done a little search …
I’m getting that too. Awesome.
I have an ad for pirate plunder as well. Unfortunately this booty is t-shirts and camis. Because we all know pirates wear camis.
Avast Ye, Lara, I’m real happy for you, I’mma let you finish, but me mates on Monty Python had the best dead parrot of all time. The best dead parrot of all time!
It wasn’t dead, it was simply pining for the fjords.
He’s not pining, he’s passed on.
So it’s an ex-parrot, then.
Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I’m looking at one right now!
D’ya… d’ya want to come back to my place?
Slightly OT, but why does Kanye look like an old WASP-y guy in his/your avatar? Or do I just need to clear my cache?
Clear your cache.
Got it. Cognitive dissonance disperses.
Hmmm, changed my avatar pic but the old one is still coming up…..why?
Is the new one a black and white dog? Because if it is, I can see it…
BTW, he/she is adorable.
Sweet – try clearing your cache and then refreshing the page.
clearing my cache? that’s a bit too advanced for me.
The new one was on the side-bar but not in the comments.
She is Sally-Brown, my first baby, and currently lives with my sis where she is very happy chasing chickens, and being chased by the cats.
(I was feeling left out not having an animal on my avi.)
what browser do you use sweetbiscuit? I’m sure one of us will use the same one and can tell you how to clear it.
Try clearing your mind and stretching out with your feelings. That usually works for me.
Sometimes it takes a little while for the avatar to change through Gravatar.
thanks Dev, its Explorer 7.0. Llama-Nun, sorry I know this should be in forums……
Had to go open IE to check as I don’t use it any more, but, click tools at the top, then click delete browsing history, click to delete Temporary Internet Files, click Yes, then when it’s done close your browser, re-open and hopefully it’ll show you the new avatar.
As the Llamanun says it can sometime take a little while to update, but since others can already see it you should be able to aswell.
And now, for something completely different:
If you love pirates, and want to be one, please buy the book Pirattitude: So You Wanna Be a Pirate? Here’s How!’ and ‘The Pirate Life: Unleashing Your Inner Baccaneer’ by John Bauer and Mark Summers. I have both, and they will definitely make your life a better one.
Do you get a cut of the royalties or something? Can you provide an excerpt before I make this huge commitment?
You must look through it on Amazon. Your life will never be the same.
Okay, points for mentioning a Spanish Galleon… it didn’t let me look any further but they win if they mention Letters of Marquee and Reprisal.
Letters of Marque, or Letters of Marquee? One is some kind of charter, and one is either an architectural exterior overhang or a large tent for events. I’m trying to connect the architecture with pirates …
Sorry, Letters of Marque. Me is unliterate.
That’s what happens when you drop out to become a fetish worker in the Far East. Stay in school, kids!
Watch out, Graham. One of us girls might have to teach you to read.
Oh sure, girls can do everything — beat me up, put makeup on, watch Monty Python, teach people to read, wear dresses — RUB IT IN MY FACE, WHY DON’T YOU?!!1
Yeah, and I can read Jews, God and History, which you don’t even have on your list of kindergarten books.
Ohh, please tell me the differences between Sephardic and Ashkenazi Jews. As the descendant of Ashkenazi Jews, that is a gaping hole in my understanding of Judaism.
Nice try, my literate Tchotchkala.
The Sephardim and Ashkenazim split and that led to Christianity?
*spit-take*
Even this shiksa knows that’s not true! Oy, gevalt, indeed! What are you trying to do, kill me?
Lola, I’m going to be generous and assume that the reviewer was trying to be brief and combined two clauses [differences between Sephardic and Ashkenazi Jews] and [split that created Christianity] in a confusing way. I could be wrong. Maybe some time-traveling Ashkenazi went back to 2nd century BCE Jerusalem and created the apocalyptic tradition. I’m just a goy, after all.
I just wanted to emphasize that my previous two posts in no way reflect on HHNF or her selection of reading material. It was only directed toward an unfortunate wording by a sloppy reviewer, who happened to make it onto Amazon. I’m sure God, Jews, and History is an excellent book and way too hard for an illiterate misogynist like me to ever come close to reading.
Cognitive dissonance once again descends. You’re a goy with Ashkenazi ancestry? How did you do that?
I figured that was what they meant as well, but to someone who doesn’t know what those words mean, the sentence can have an utterly different meaning.
Too true, Lola. A horribly written sentence if there ever was one.
As for your first question, my paternal grandfather is Jewish and my paternal grandmother converted to Judaism. Then my Gentile mother had to come along with her Jesus and ruin everything. So I consider myself a quarter Jew (not too shabby!) or a half Jew, depending on how strictly one interprets Jewish-ness. 😛
Graham, I thought it might be something like that, as for some, no Jewish mother = not Jewish, whereas others count it as half, regardless.
Sticking with “[specific ethnicity] ancestry” might be pretty safe; you’re not necessarily claiming to be that (“all that”?), but the claim is not correct, either.
jews G-d and History is an excellent book. sephardic jews descended from spanish and african roots… ashkenazi are eastern european. some different customs, ladino instead of yiddish. and they can eat RICE on pesach, where us ashkenazi cant. this split had nothing to do with who became christian, etc.
Dear Sparky,
I know some people think that I have wasted my life trying to find you, Sparky. What has it been, six years now? Time flies by by like a parrot out a foolishly open window. (Oh sure it was a mistake, huh Helen? You always hated “that bird” didn’t you? You never helped in my long lonely quest to find him.) Maybe I should have given up, kept my job, not alienated my kids and friends. But you were such an amazing bird, Sparky. The way you could say “good boy good boy good boy good boy good boy good boy good boy” for hours on end… It still gives me chills just thinking about it. I know you’re still out there, somehow. You must have learned to live in the wild. What kind of asshat would have kept you this long and not tracked me down through the number on the band on your leg? I just hope that the years have been better for you than me Sparky. Â
By the time you find this note it will be too late. Goodbye cruel world.
Daddy
now there a +1 if ever I saw one, in fact it would be more than one but it wont let me, sorry.
zomg bloody brilliant.
Holy bbq, this is horrible. And funny. Mostly funny. Horribly funny, even.
True story. I was just laying in bed this morning and thinking about the day ahead, trying to think of a way to work the word mizzenmast into a conversation. Guess I will have to keep looking.
Well, I know a friend who refers to a certain…um, morning activity as ‘raising the mizzenmast.’ You know, if you talk about that sort of thing in casual conversation…
is is a mizzenmast, or a yardarm? *wiggly eyebrows, hint, hint, nudge nudge*
Sadly, we don’t have that kind of relationship…so I wouldn’t know, and if I asked, he would lie.
Would he tell you he could “put a hat on it and drive in the carpool lane”?
You know him at least well enough to know he’d lie!
Ed – that’s so terrible it’s kind of awesome.
In Soviet Russia, penis puts hat on you.
Speaking of CogDis…
you mean Ed? He’s starting to make me dizzy with all the avatar changes, is that 3 today so far?
Da.
I like Grunge Ed.
Grunge Ed made me go check that my doors were locked! I prefer “Where’s the party?!?” Ed.
It was supposed to be “Soviet Russia Ed.”
Oh I see,
I’m just so used to seeing sailor Ed that both of them confused me to begin with, but I’d agree, “Where’s the party?!?” Ed is preferable to Soviet Russia Ed, he looks like much more fun.
I’m just partial to those “I’m all artsy and moody” types. Or maybe it’s those, “In Soviet Russia…” types. Maybe I’ve been getting them wrong this whole time. Would explain why they’re always offering me borscht.
OK! Reporting back with the answer to HHNF’s question. He says definitely mizzenmast. I suspect this is because he likes the sound of the word better than ‘yardarm’.
For the record, “Would you consider your penis more of a mizzenmast or a yardarm? I have friends on the internet who would like to know,” is one of the last things I would have ever imagined I would say to this person. Or to anyone, for that matter.
‘e flew away. pining for the fjords…. you can keep the birdie, if youve had it for 6 yrs. i’m too busy for my bird?
Perhaps the person looking after it has died, and this person is disposing of that person’s estate.
*random theory extracted from posterior fecal passage*
I cleared my cache and my mind – thanks all. Seems to have worked.
Went away to do some domestic duties and came back to the news that it was Graham shooting those ping-pong balls at us last time we were in Bangkok. Ewww.
Ahem…….drumroll……
Man walking sideways through airport going to Bangkok.
You should be flattered.
In Soviet Russia, kok bangs you.
Wowie, I see I miss a lot on my days off. That’s the one day I usually take away from the computer, too. But that seems to be a mistake. I KNEW something was missing from my day today.
Woofless, time for a card punch. Here Woofless! Come on, come and get it! *whistles for a while, aimlessly*
Hmmmm, don’t see him anywhere around. Must be sleeping already. Guess I’ll have to take another proxy punch…for the team, of course!
The Norwegian Blue prefers kipping on its back.
Dang it. Changed my avatar and everything.
I still see the usual one.
I know. By the time the NB shows up, everyone will have moved on. *sigh*
I see it now! At the top!
Oh, yes! There it is! LOL I’ll have to post this photo in all its glory on Facebook for those who know me there. 8) Thanks, Graham. And, good night all!
Windrose, is that really a real bird? Its feather texture looks like a fleecy stuffed toy …
Lola, not a real bird. It’s an official Monty Python Norwegian Blue. It has little nails in its feet, the tongue sticking out of the beak, it’s so cute. We keep it in a bamboo fancy cage, and now since Halloween there is a vulture sitting on top of the cage. 8) Life is good when you marry a crazy person.
Love it. Totally makes sense now!
and – let’s try to remember that Talk Like a Pirate Day is celebrated each September 19th. (not making this up!!) go to their website.
If I’m not mistaken, that was an idea of Dave Barry’s that was later promoted by others and has sort of caught on (at least online – I don’t know anyone who does it in public, in person).
Got to talklikeapirate.com. We have meetings, dress-ups, and all kinds of grog-swilling adventures. And yes, in public.
I actually have a video of a teacher in one of the research projects I work on that was taken on the 19th of September. They dressed and talked like pirates. Makes analyzing the discourse interesting…
That’s my mother’s birthday. She’s none too amused when I call her each year to wish her a Happy Talk Like a Pirate Day.
Needless to say, it amuses me, so I keep doing it.