YSaC, Vol. 564: Asshat might be too nice of a word for these two.

2010 February 1

assorted female stuff


Ring for sale found on floor after drunken night. Need to teach this chick a lesson to stop leaving stuff at my place so my girlfriends dont get jealous finding flats, necklaces, etc that don't belong to them.

Best offer.
564

Right ... because the lesson that needs to be learned here is for "chicks" to stop leaving stuff at your place, not for you to stop cheating on your girlfriends (notice the plural there?). And of course the best way for you to teach that lesson is by stealing the ring and selling it on Craigslist.

The next one's behind a cut, for potentially (and actually) objectionable language:

wanted: vid of me on your Harley - $20


this is not a joke. i just want a quick video with me in it sitting on your Harley while it is running. I'm lying to someone that I own a Harley because i think i will get some pussy from her. she likes bikers. i'll give you a quick $20. I'm in [location] if you can come by or maybe i could come to you. LOUD bike ONLY!!!
delete it again faggots and i will send you a virus

I don't know about you, but I am not inclined to help this gentleman with his request. I can, however, think of a million ways this can all go horribly wrong, and that pleases me greatly.

I'm also hoping that Sparky ends up on this site when he's doing his Google search for "sending Craigslist flaggers a virus," because -- somewhat unsurprisingly -- this post got flagged.

Thanks for the ads, Dani and John!

250 Responses leave one →
  1. 2010 February 1
    Windrose permalink

    Another day, another pair of idiots thinking with the wrong parts of their anatomy. And making it public on Craigslist. *shakes head in wonder, and vows to provide free condoms to these people*

    Adores: 5
    • 2010 February 1

      This is why you are a better person than I, because my mind immediately went to 'forced chemical castration.'

      Adores: 28
      • 2010 February 1
        Traveler permalink

        Chemical?

        Adores: 9
        • 2010 February 1
          Lola permalink

          Considered more humane than a knife. The person remains physically intact, but nonfunctional.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 February 1
          Lara permalink

          well I would argue this fellow doesn't deserve humane.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 1
          Traveler permalink

          That was precisely my point, Lara.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 February 1
          christina permalink

          I was thinking rusty scalpel and battery acid.

          Adores: 16
      • 2010 February 1
        lost_compass permalink

        Does it have to be a Harley? I've got a sharp-looking chopper he can straddle, but it's a Ginsu.

        Adores: 33
        • 2010 February 1

          Castralicious.

          Adores: 11
        • 2010 February 1
          Lola permalink

          l_c, even better if it is rusty and dull. :)

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 1

          The old-fashioned way had occurred to me, but this way would be faster and less messy, for me anyway since my knife skills are very limited. I'd certainly not want to waste any more time or energy on either of these assclowns than was strictly necessary.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 February 1

          But lareina - Anything Worth Doing is Worth Doing Well. And, you'll be learning a useful skill.............

          Adores: 6
      • 2010 February 1
        Christi permalink

        I don't know. Maybe I'm just a more hands-on kind of gal, but I tend to favor the idea of castrating them using just a carrot peeler and a fresh lemon or two. Sooner or later the parts'll stop functioning, and surely by the time that castration is finished they'll have fully understood the lesson (or died of shock. I'm willing to accept either).

        Adores: 10
        • 2010 February 1
          Kimblee permalink

          I have a elastrator for goats. A human male's balls can't be bigger than my boar bucks, could it?

          Adores: 9
        • 2010 February 2

          Certainly not these particular human males, anyway.

          Adores: 2
    • 2010 February 1
      Meej permalink

      Y'know it's one of those mornings when your brain misses the "l" in "public" but doesn't miss a beat because it's perfectly applicable to these idiots' posts...

      Adores: 9
      • 2010 February 1
        chronologicallygifted permalink

        When I was a newbee to public relations, I once left the "l" out of public in a 48 pt.BF headline. It's a mistake you only make once. =)

        Adores: 6
        • 2010 February 1

          Mmm...pubic relations. pubic Relations for Best Band Name Evar!

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 1

          That's cool. I recently emailed my pleasantly plump aunt a picture of a bobcat eating cat food, with the message, 'I know you'll love this, since you're a fat person.' Damn 'f' being above the 'c'.
          Hm, haven't heard from her in awhile.
          I did get a text reply from a friend when my daughter was sick. I said I hoped she got better before Monday, and she replied, "I hope she dies". Several angry calls later I realized that there was supposed to be 'does'.

          Adores: 10
        • 2010 February 1
          Windrose permalink

          Unless you don't sober up in time, huh, chrony?

          Adores: 3
    • 2010 February 1

      Man, this has gotten way out of hand! Yeah, this guy's a douchebag, but being a Testicle-Equipped American™ myself I don't feel that this deserves more than HUMANE mandatory sterilization, i.e: with anæsthesia. Save the carrot peelers and lemon juice for the rapists and child molesters, please.

      Adores: 6
      • 2010 February 1

        Oh, please. Everyone knows that painful genital mutilation followed by sterilization is the standard punishment for using offensive language on Craigslist or admitting to infidelity thereupon.

        Adores: 16
      • 2010 February 1
        christina permalink

        I thought you were the Tentacle-Equipped American?

        Adores: 9
        • 2010 February 1

          That as well. :-)

          Adores: 3
  2. 2010 February 1

    How dumb does someone have to be to believe a guy owns a Harley because he has a video of him sitting on a stationary one? I have pictures of me sitting on the Picasso sculpture at the Daley Center, so obviously it's my Picasso.

    Adores: 33
    • 2010 February 1
      Lola permalink

      Excuse me while I plan a trip to Paris so I can pose next to the Mona Lisa ...

      Adores: 10
      • 2010 February 1

        Could you take a picture of the Eiffel Tower and Photoshop me in? I'll give you a quick $20 for it.

        I think this Prussian princess will give me some pussy and she thinks I own it. KTHX

        Adores: 23
        • 2010 February 1
          Lola permalink

          Sure, right after I visit the Kremlin and take photos so I can get myself photoshopped onto a throne with the Romanov crown jewels.*

          *I'm not sure these survived the revolution, but we're not going for truthery in these photos, are we?

          Adores: 15
        • 2010 February 1

          Just don't try to hook up with a Russian historian, he might call you on it. Other than that you're probably good.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 February 1
          TacoMagic permalink

          I keep wondering who on earth is going to give this guy a cat just because he owns a Harley? And isn't it just as easy to go down to the shelter and pick one up? Maybe I'm missing something.

          *Checks Urban Dictionary*

          Oh. my. God. a Harley is a kind of motorcycle! No wonder people will give him cats if they see him on it!

          Adores: 100
        • 2010 February 1

          In Soviet Russia, Lola, royal jewels photograph you!

          Adores: 8
        • 2010 February 1
          jackie31337 permalink

          TacoMagic: thank you for inspiring me to find out whether it's possible to give yourself the Heimlich maneuver (it is) and for reminding me not to eat or drink when reading the comments here.

          Adores: 7
        • 2010 February 1

          Graham, I think this dude is getting your Eiffel Tower picture for you.

          (Now all we need is a chocolate bar and a campfire.)

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 1

          Damnit, that marshmallowy guy is gonna ruin it. Eat him before he blows my cover!

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 1

          Is this where the Not.A.Lion comment goes?

          Adores: 3
      • 2010 February 1
        lost_compass permalink

        In Czarist Russia, Roman offs your family jewels.

        Adores: 14
        • 2010 February 1

          Man, I take pictures all the damn time and no-one's ever offered to give me a cat. I want a kitty dammit!

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 February 1
          christina permalink

          Iareina, or is it lareina(my phone shows no difference between lower case L and capital I)? Either way, I will gladly pay the shipping on the kitten of your choice for a photo of a red table. The photo, however, must convey that the table is both for sale and free. :D

          Adores: 5
    • 2010 February 1

      Oh, did the "Ownership of Anything Via Ass-Touching" law finally pass?!

      Adores: 28
      • 2010 February 1

        You guys are making me LOL today.

        Adores: 0
        • 2010 February 1
          TacoMagic permalink

          I've been COLing today, but no full on LOLs for me. I guess I've just been hardened by my recent comedic exposure.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 1

          A comedian exposed himself to you?

          Adores: 10
        • 2010 February 1

          Was it Rip Torn?

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 February 1
          TacoMagic permalink

          *Points to a doll*

          The commedian didn't have anything there! *Cries*

          Adores: 11
        • 2010 February 1
          Bianchi Sound permalink

          Nothing there, and still he hardened you?

          Adores: 12
        • 2010 February 1

          LOL Bianchi.

          Adores: 0
      • 2010 February 1

        Crap. If it did, I think several perverts may own me from my last crosstown rush hour bus ride.

        Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 1
          Lola permalink

          frigglesnitz: I actually had a thought like that regarding subway rush hour, but was confused as to whether it counted if they did it unintentionally, or just when they did it on purpose (neither of which is preferable).

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 2
          tigprincess permalink

          frigglesnitz - a friend of mine was being touched up on the Metro in Paris. She grasped the offending hand, held it up high and in her loudest voice asked "à qui appartient cette main?"
          Silence, shuffling and a very very beetroot red man - followed by loud cheers from the women.

          Adores: 3
      • 2010 February 2
        tigprincess permalink

        @ Stephanie - that law came in when Adam first saw Eve didn't it? Together with the All Males are Goodlooking and All Females Must Lust After Them ??

        Adores: 0
        • 2010 February 2
          Windrose permalink

          Oh, tigprincess, I bet that says something really awesome in French! 8)

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 February 2
          Traveler permalink

          Quick translation service: “à qui appartient cette main?”="who does this hand belong to?".

          Adores: 1
  3. 2010 February 1
    PrincessLuceval permalink

    I just wonder who would buy into a sale like that? Another asshat? Would it be spreading asshat karma to purchase that ring for your own girlfriend?

    Adores: 4
    • 2010 February 1
      Lola permalink

      Maybe arrange to meet the guy in person, purchase the ring with counterfeit money (not that I'd ordinarily approve of passing fraudulent currency) or a rubber check, then advertise for a "found" ring on CL and hope you can give it back to the girl.

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 February 1

        Excellent idea, Lola. Would love to see asshat karma in action!

        *makes note to self: remember term 'asshat karma'*

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 1
          jackie31337 permalink

          Is it too late to suggest Asshat Karma as today's band name?

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 February 1

          Oh, jackie, it's *never* too late for that.

          Adores: 0
  4. 2010 February 1

    I know this guy wants a video, but wouldn't it be easier (and cheaper) for this asschapeau to just sit on some bike in a grocery store parking lot and have someone take his photo?

    I think that's a way better plan, because I also like envisioning the ensuing scene of the Harley owner coming out of the store, finding this guy on his bike, and beating some sense into bike-liar-dude.

    Adores: 20
    • 2010 February 1
      Lara permalink

      Now I want a video of that.

      Adores: 9
  5. 2010 February 1
    ToBScholarly permalink

    I thought the only things chicks left at a place were eggs... and droppings.

    Adores: 3
    • 2010 February 1

      If he has a lot of chicks, he must really want to get down.

      Adores: 9
      • 2010 February 1
        Lola permalink

        Down on the farm, you mean?

        Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 1
          TacoMagic permalink

          I used to pick up chicks at the petting zoo.

          Adores: 24
  6. 2010 February 1
    Lara permalink

    I want someone to get naked pictures of guys or better yet the guy from the first ad photoshopped into women's clothing and leave those around his place preferably somewhere he wont find them but his girlfriends would. Or maybe send him flowers while he is with one of his girlfriends and not only make the note lovey dovey but sign it with a guys name. I am trying to think of an undeniably male name here that would also be funny. Dick?

    Adores: 8
    • 2010 February 1
      Windrose permalink

      Peter Johnson. Pete O'Tool. Randy Wood. Mike Hawk. I got a million of 'em!

      Adores: 2
    • 2010 February 1

      Most any name is better than Dick Lovingood and Saul Goodman *say it fast*

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 February 1

        LoL @ Saul Goodman... horrible.

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 1

          His brother's name is Ira. No joke. They never hear the end of it, especially at bars.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 1

          At least his name isn't Ira Hayes.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 1

          They could have named him Corey.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 1

          EPIC FAIL.

          Adores: 1
  7. 2010 February 1
    Heather permalink

    I'm amazed that these idiots felt the need to explain themselves in such detail. Did they really think that the details would endear them to readers?

    Adores: 5
    • 2010 February 1

      Yes, Heather, you see, idiots think that if they explain totally unrelated details of a situation that you, a gullible person whom they believe is even more stupid than they are, will suddenly trust them.

      Watch a few episodes of Cops and you will see this tactic attempted (and fail).

      Adores: 11
      • 2010 February 1

        And on further inspection of the first listing, I'm getting a vibe that no one "left" these things. They are stolen.

        Adores: 0
        • 2010 February 1
          Lola permalink

          If that's the case, he may have actually encouraged the girls to leave the items there, and then break things off, at which point he tells them they can't come back, and what jewelry? Or, he steals the things at their homes.
          Both equally rampantly douchebaggy, if true.

          Adores: 3
      • 2010 February 1

        I really don't think there is anyone more stupid than these two...seriously.

        Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 1

          That's the thing about real idiots, though, CJ... they think they are clever and that other people will actually fall for their silly ruses.

          Adores: 0
    • 2010 February 1
      Lara permalink

      I think the first guy had to explain so much because he wants you to believe he has "girlfriends" which is why I would attempt to challenge his sexuality somehow. Male stripper?

      Adores: 2
  8. 2010 February 1
    Lola permalink

    Wow, I'm so, so afraid that if I delete something he'll send me a virus!!! OMG, what am I going to do?
    /sarcasm

    ... Asschapeaux is right. One's a cheater and the other is a homophobe who's also a liar. (And my mother wonders why I'm single.)

    Adores: 2
  9. 2010 February 1
    Mimi permalink

    For whatever reason, I read the first ad as if it were being written by a female. I was picturing the aftermath of a wild girls-only martini-fest. I just figured she had two sets of friends and the "jealous girlfriends" would be the group that wasn't invited. Puts a whole new spin on it going from catty bitch to philandering jackass.

    Adores: 12
    • 2010 February 1

      I can see that. Your average Joe Asshat would have used "shoes" rather than "flats."

      Adores: 4
      • 2010 February 1
        Mimi permalink

        Exactly!

        Adores: 1
      • 2010 February 1
        JuneJenny permalink

        I thought the use of "flats" seemed very out of place as well.

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 1
          queensbee permalink

          and i thought maybe he was talking about an apartment. i got real confusled.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 1
          Windrose permalink

          Hey, queensbee, did I leave my pumps at your flat?

          Adores: 0
      • 2010 February 1
        ChapeauNoir permalink

        Ah! Flats = Shoes? I read it as, Flats = Apartments, and took it to mean that this individual's girlfriends had somehow managed to locate his in spite of his best efforts to conceal his address.

        Adores: 2
      • 2010 February 1

        That threw me too, I've heard the term "flats" used many times by women but never by a guy, at least not a straight one.

        Adores: 1
      • 2010 February 1
        Amaia permalink

        Yep, that's what I was thinking...I don't think many men even know the difference between flats and pumps. But beyond that, why are women leaving shoes at his place? I understand dropping a ring or necklace, but are they going home barefoot?

        Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 1
          Lola permalink

          I had begun to wonder about the left-behind shoes, too. Now I'm starting to think they fall off of his victims' feet while he's dragging the bodies out of his home. The clothes he disposes of elsewhere, but is tired of coming back and finding these stupid, incriminating shoes and jewelry!

          Adores: 9
        • 2010 February 1
          TacoMagic permalink

          Don't you hate it when you have to saw off the finger to get the ring and then it doesn't even fit you?

          So, too far yet?

          Adores: 11
        • 2010 February 1

          Don't you hate it when you have to bite off the finger to get the ring and then you just wind up falling into the volcanic pyres in which it was originally forged?

          Adores: 32
        • 2010 February 1
          Lola permalink

          @Isaac: stupid prrresssssshioussss riiiiiinnng!

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 1

          At my middle school, we were always fascinated by the number of pants in the lost & found. HOW DO YOU LOSE YOUR PANTS AND NOT NOTICE?

          My guess is that the people who lost their pants in middle school have now grown up and are leaving their shoes, jewelery, and "assorted female stuff" at this guy's apartment.

          Adores: 9
        • 2010 February 3
          Cory B permalink

          thecarie - My question is...what are middle schoolers doing where losing pants is, apparently, a regular activity?

          Adores: 1
    • 2010 February 1
      Lara permalink

      I like this idea for some reason.

      Adores: 0
    • 2010 February 1

      My thought exactly. Technical shoe term for a male.

      Adores: 1
      • 2010 February 1

        Unless he has a shoe or foot fetish. Not that I dated a guy like that (It was two or three guys like that).

        Adores: 1
  10. 2010 February 1
    Lola permalink

    Somewhat OT, I'm seeing these Google ads at upper right:
    "Prayer Cross - TV Site
    Prayer Cross Official TV Website Experience the Magic. Buy Direct
    Lord's Prayer Pendant
    Official Sterling Silver Pendant Proudly Made in the USA
    The Lords Prayer
    Looking for The Lords Prayer? Find exactly what you want today."

    And couldn't figure out what was generating them (it didn't seem to be the ads). Now I'm thinking ... it's the llamanun mug b/w the prayer reference that's generating them, isn't it? Heh!

    Adores: 1
    • 2010 February 1

      Me too! Bees be upon her!

      Adores: 4
      • 2010 February 1

        And also upon you.

        Adores: 6
        • 2010 February 2

          Go in peace and serve the snark!

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 2

          Gen 1:28
          Be fruity and do Cat Math.

          Adores: 4
    • 2010 February 1
      Heather permalink

      LLamanun's witness knows no bounds.

      Adores: 4
      • 2010 February 1
        Windrose permalink

        Hello, I'd like to tell you about the Llamanun and the Miracles of the Ostrimu. This free pamphlet will answer all your questions about life and death and Craigslist. We'll be starting a Sunday school soon, and the bus will come around to collect your little darlings.

        Adores: 3
        • 2010 February 2
          Lola permalink

          *hides cat*

          Adores: 0
    • 2010 February 1

      You may be amused to note that I'm now getting ads for:

      Free Biker Dating

      Cheating Spouse?

      Ask a Harley Mechanic Now

      I like the way the third ad seems to be a response to the second one...

      Adores: 13
      • 2010 February 2
        Lurker From the North permalink

        Yep, all the Google ads that I'm getting are for Harleys/Motorcycles/Biker Babes.

        I liked it better when it was Shirts and design your own T-shirts.

        Adores: 2
      • 2010 February 2
        Windrose permalink

        I got Alpha Biker and Rebel Girl apparel. I like that last one.

        Adores: 0
      • 2010 February 2
        tigprincess permalink

        Hi there - I'm getting

        Find Harley Girls in UK
        UK Biker Events Calendar and
        Direct Access,cbt,theory

        OK so WTF is the last one about?

        *drmk and Dan - I've now purchased both Not.A.Lion mug and llamanun mug and await forthcoming delivery here in UK. They will brighten up my day and also act a conversation pieces *

        Adores: 1
  11. 2010 February 1
    TacoMagic permalink

    I think the odds of getting a virus from him are immensely more likely if you actually let him sit on your Harley. I'm pretty sure you can get Viral Hepatitis if you share the same Harley with an infected person.

    And given the unctuousness of the poster, I would say the likelyhood of Hepatitis is rather high.

    Adores: 4
    • 2010 February 1
      Lola permalink

      If you're aiming for general safety and public interest, you could offer to film him under the bike. That way you won't have to autoclave the seat afterward.

      Adores: 4
      • 2010 February 1
        TacoMagic permalink

        I sorta think just reading his post puts us at risk. It's a good thing I always wear a full body condom.

        Adores: 9
    • 2010 February 1

      Maybe it's his extreme unctuousness that's conjuring the religious sidebar ads.

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 February 1
        TacoMagic permalink

        Always gotta one up my use of a big word by adding a modifying adjective.

        That was like the biggest word I know too. *Sniff*

        Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 1

          I could teach you a few handy sesquipedalianisms, but surely you've been told that size doesn't matter. An obscure short word beats any number of inkhorn polysyllabics.

          I mean, forget antidisestablishmentarianism. Give me olm or thirl any day.

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 February 1
          TacoMagic permalink

          *Cries into his dictionotomy*

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 February 1
          Lola permalink

          He's an English prof, TM. They're hard to beat; no shame in a good try.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 1

          Ah yes, many are the times I've thwarted an attempted beating by whipping out my massive lexicon.

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 February 1
          TacoMagic permalink

          *Whips out his Massive Link™*

          En Garde!

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 February 1

          Ho-ho!

          Thrust! Parry! Dodge!

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 1
          TacoMagic permalink

          Flèche! Repartee! Riposte!

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 1

          "inkhorn polysyllabics"

          =

          My new favorite phrase.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 February 1

          It might be mine too Coco, once I've looked it up. Can I borrow that dictionotomy please Taco?

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 February 1
          TacoMagic permalink

          *Hands over Dictionotomy*

          Careful, it's a bit wet for some reason.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 February 1

          Thanks Taco

          *hands over large box of tissues in exchange*

          Adores: 0
      • 2010 February 1

        Okay, let's just imagine for a moment how hilarious it would be if Extreme Unctuousness were the band playing at your neighborhood pub on Fat Tuesday, and the drunker people got the more they screwed up the name?

        Like, "Man, I shuszhed lurrv Ehshtreem Uncshoessniss.."

        *crickets chirping*

        Just me? Okay, then...

        Adores: 7
        • 2010 February 1

          The main problem for fans of Extreme Unctuousness is that they're always the last band on the bill, and by the time they play, everyone else at the 40-Watt is either dead drunk or leaving the building.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 1
          TacoMagic permalink

          I think the bigger problem with Extreme Unctuousness is that they try to slip away from their gigs early. Of course you can't really blame their inability to stick to the schedule.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 1
          mudslicker permalink

          I hope there's t shirts for the Extreme Unction Junction tour. Last rites for alcohol as the train pulls out for its final destination!

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 February 1

          "Extreme Unction, What's Your Function?"

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 February 1
          mudslicker permalink

          Schoolhouse Rock! Conjunction junction! Makes me think of pink eye.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 1
          TacoMagic permalink

          I'm just a bill.
          Yes, I'm only a bill.
          And I'm sitting here on Capitol Hill...

          The 80s are rushing back to me...

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 1
          Lola permalink

          "Extreme Unction, what's your function?" is from the lesser-known series, "Catechism Rock."

          Adores: 8
        • 2010 February 2
          Ed Snyder permalink

          "The 80s are rushing back to me..."

          Sexyfingers, you aren't sitting in a large bathtub by chance?

          Adores: 1
  12. 2010 February 1

    My read is that asshat #1 and the chick have had drunken encounters before at his residence, and she is in the habit of leaving items behind . . . *humming*

    "Tequila makes her clothes fall off . . . "

    Perhaps if he tried vodka instead.

    Adores: 1
    • 2010 February 1
      TacoMagic permalink

      Vodka makes the invisible leprechauns go away for a few hours.

      Adores: 6
      • 2010 February 1
        Bianchi Sound permalink

        And when they come back, they bring whiskey!

        Adores: 3
      • 2010 February 1

        *points to self*

        Married to an Irishman. Could write a book!

        Is that racist? or just proud?

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 1
          TacoMagic permalink

          It's only racist if he's not a leprechaun.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 1

          Nope. But his dad was.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 1
          TacoMagic permalink

          Well, half leprechaun isn't bad. He can still benefit from their casinos and can even purchase gold stock through the rainbow L-223/521B funding option.

          But I don't think he can buy or use their ceremonial pot, he would have to be full leprechaun.

          Adores: 9
        • 2010 February 1

          An Irish civil servant. You should see the not-suprised look on my face. I R 1 2.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 February 1

          :) Yes indeedy. Damn fine representation. Two son-in-laws, too. And all do their uniforms proud.

          Adores: 1
    • 2010 February 1

      Speaking of alcohol, I've not seen Bacontini today.

      Adores: 0
      • 2010 February 1
        Bacontini permalink

        You call for Bacontini, and he come for you. Bacontini is always here to serve the ladies, even when he's not here.

        Now, what can Bacontini do for you?

        Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 1

          perhaps you could give the asshats posting on CL some lessons in "smooth"?

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 February 1
          Bacontini permalink

          Ahh, yes Bacontini can do that!

          To be smooth you first must use the highest quality Gin or Vodka, then soak only the finest bacon in it. That makes Bacontini dangerously smooth, and Bacontini sure it work for anyone.

          Adores: 3
  13. 2010 February 1
    Bianchi Sound permalink

    I can't believe that the second post is from [location]. That kind of crap used to only happen in Ish.

    Adores: 8
    • 2010 February 1
      TacoMagic permalink

      Downtown Ish at that. But now it's getting so you can't go outside in Somewhere anymore. Let alone [location].

      Adores: 3
  14. 2010 February 1
    Rick permalink

    Wow...and we want people like this to SUCCEED in adding to the gene pool?

    Adores: 0
    • 2010 February 1
      TacoMagic permalink

      I've always been in favor of breeding liscenses.

      But then again, I'm a social optimist aren't I.

      Adores: 5
    • 2010 February 1
      Lola permalink

      We do? I'm sure hoping their stupidity dies out with their generation.

      Adores: 2
    • 2010 February 1

      We could arrange for asschapeau to be a Darwin Award beneficiary, in scenario #1 - the guy who would actually believe any girl would date him, let alone multiple girls, could be introduced to the guy in scenario #2, and given their obvious attraction to one another we could find someone to loan them a Harley and convince them a road trip was called for.

      With any luck, a Darwin Award would ensue, and...problem - solved.

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 February 1
        Windrose permalink

        CJ, I just hope they have a nice basket on the Harley for those baby cats.

        Adores: 1
    • 2010 February 1
      MrWhite permalink

      I believe Darwin himself wrote that "even the most highly-evolved gene pool will eventually collect scum."

      Adores: 7
      • 2010 February 1
        mudslicker permalink

        ..and bottom feeders!

        Adores: 5
  15. 2010 February 1
    Libbysgirl permalink

    Hey everybody! Sorry I'm late but I have been searching everywhere for my....my....shoes and well, have I missed anything?

    Adores: 9
  16. 2010 February 1
    Karmyn permalink

    Dang, I was hoping to go to [location] later this week. Too bad I don't have a Harley so this guy can get some.
    If they do get together, who would be more disapointed? Her, because he really doesn't have a Harley or him, because she's probably got VD. I say her, because if he thinks a Harley makes him worthy of getting in her pants, he obviously doesn't have anything in his pants.
    Just stay out of [location]. It's obviously populated by douches and skanks.

    Adores: 1
  17. 2010 February 1

    Back in my walk of shame days, I left a necklace at the home of my "friend". I did know the guy and called him about it. He said he didn't know where it was. A month later I saw him back together with his ex girlfriend with a very similar necklace around her neck. Coincidence? I think not.

    Adores: 4
    • 2010 February 1
      TacoMagic permalink

      Honey, you're better off without that cheating hussy of a necklace.

      Adores: 16
      • 2010 February 1
        sarajean80 permalink

        I hope you found a nice stable bracelet, or some friendly earrings to cushion the blow.

        Adores: 4
        • 2010 February 1
          TacoMagic permalink

          You gotta watch out for anklets though. They tend to swoop in to be the rebound jewelry, but they're just there for the quick wear around town then before you know it they disappear while you're at the mall.

          Adores: 5
    • 2010 February 1
      Lola permalink

      Obviously the once and future girlfriend was either not very bright or was very avaricious, as she either didn't notice or care that the necklace didn't come in a box. Any jewelry that I received that didn't have its own box, no matter how inexpensive and generic, would just scream "purloined/found/bought off of the back of a truck/fell off of the back of a truck." Doesn't matter if the box says "Stan's Jewelry Shack" instead of "Tiffany," (well, actually it does, but for the sake of argument it doesn't), at least it looks like it was legitimately acquired.

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 February 1
        TacoMagic permalink

        This is why I deal in stolen and counterfeit jewlery boxes.

        Maybe I should give the first guy a call.

        Adores: 11
      • 2010 February 1
        Windrose permalink

        Oh, Lola, Stan's Jewelry Shack has the best sale going on right now! Mix and match baubles, buy two, get one half price. 8)

        Adores: 1
    • 2010 February 1
      Quickcomeback permalink

      Building on Christine's story, I don't understand why the first poster doesn't just give the ring to one of his many girlfriends. How does selling the ring teach his walk of shamer a lesson? The ring is still gone either way.

      Adores: 0
      • 2010 February 1
        tacomagic permalink

        He obviously assumes that having sex with him is its own reward and he shouldn't have to pass on the opportunity to score some meager green.

        Adores: 4
        • 2010 February 1

          it likely will be quite meager too, it doesn't exactly look like a Tiffany's piece does it?

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 1
          InsideJoke permalink

          Maybe he's hoping the girl will see the posting, and realize how very wrong she was to leave things lying around where other girlfriends can find it.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 1
          Traveler permalink

          Or maybe the chick and his girlfriends know each other and he doesn't want them getting to conclussions if she recognises the ring.

          Adores: 2
  18. 2010 February 1

    The first post reminds me of my boyfriend's old roommate. He had this table in the middle of his bedroom, and under it was just this huuuuge collection of things girls had left in his room. Things like pairs of shoes, or skirts, or jackets, plus the usual things like earrings and hair ties..... I always wondered if these girls would just leave the next morning still naked and not realize their mistake until they got home.

    Adores: 12
    • 2010 February 1

      "Still naked" gets a +1 from me today.

      (And it's also a pretty good Band Name!)

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 February 1
        Windrose permalink

        After All These Years?

        Adores: 4
  19. 2010 February 1

    What worries me is that there may be a girl out there shallow enough to sleep with this guy because she thinks he has a Harley.

    (I was going to say dumb, instead of shallow, but I'm in a generous mood today)

    Adores: 3
  20. 2010 February 1
    Miss Nomer permalink

    Pretty sure that was a Pirates of the Caribbean reference by drmk: "I am not inclined to help this gentleman with his request." Or maybe it's just that I watched it last night with my sister-in-law who is obsessed with Johnny Depp. She made me do it! It's not my fault that eyeliner works for him!

    Adores: 4
    • 2010 February 1

      oh dear, DT and Depp, you have it bad Miss Nomer *chuckle*

      Adores: 0
      • 2010 February 1
        Miss Nomer permalink

        I come by my DT thing honestly, but my sister-in-law is 16, so she brings out the giggly girl that is not-so-hidden beneath the surface. Swooning together is a bonding experience! *sheepish grin*

        Adores: 0
      • 2010 February 1

        oh it's a bonding experience? I see, well that makes all the difference then, or it would if I believed a word of it. *giggle*

        Oh I did finally get to see Hamlet the other night by the way. It was as far better than expected to be honest. After all it's not the most "up beat" of stories is it? They did make a very fine job of it though.

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 1
          mudslicker permalink

          Oh really dev? How did this "Hamlet" end? Did they set it up for a sequel? Was there an alternate ending?

          So many questions....

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 1
          TacoMagic permalink

          Hamlet... that's the sequal to Charlotte's Web right?

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 February 1
          Miss Nomer permalink

          I'm glad you liked it! David does a great anguished. And I thought Patrick Stewart was actually almost sympathetic as Claudius. Did your sweetheart like it?

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 February 1

          You're right, he does do anguished well, although I did have a "Who" moment at one point, when he was slapping his head trying to think, I can't recall the ep. immediately, but I've seen that affectation before.

          As you say Patrick is also an amazing actor, he too came across really well. As for my man, not sure, although the one time I looked over at him he was doing something on his laptop, so perhaps that's not the best sign.

          Now duck!

          * throws a small cushion at Tacomagic*

          Ah, that feels better. :)

          Adores: 3
      • 2010 February 2
        tigprincess permalink

        develish1 - I saw David Tennant's Hamlet live at Stratford as well as catching up with the screen version. In the play they stopped for the interval at the point where Hamlet comes across Claudius praying and he holds a dagger up behind him. Gasps from audience - the Shakespeare afficionados because it's not a scene end, the rest (Dr Who fans) because it's a point of high tension.
        In the ice-cream queue the conversation behind me was "I wonder how it all works out, I hope its a happy ending".
        I'm not sure the ice-cream salesperson welcomed me spluttering out my request for two ginger and honey and one strawberry ices with snot dripping out of my nose!
        I thought David did anguished and energetic very well; for pure sex appeal the Toby Stevens one was better. Also at least with the DT version Ophelia was believable - she often lets down the whole play - in the immortal words of Victoria Wood "Look at me, I'm a looney"
        *drmk - maybe we should have a film and theatre forum?*

        Adores: 0
    • 2010 February 1

      If it was a PotC reference, it wasn't deliberate ... I haven't seen any of those movies.

      Adores: 0
  21. 2010 February 1

    Well, I'd hook this guy up for a quick $20 but unfortunately I have a bike that is timed correctly, has an insane power-to-weight ratio, and will run for 50,000 miles without a lick of problems. I guess I just wasn't cut out to mingle with the Harley crowd. Plus, if anyone is getting laid on account of this bike, its going to be me.

    Adores: 15
  22. 2010 February 1
    InsideJoke permalink

    At first, when I read the second ad, I thought "Harley" was a euphemism of some sort. Of course, even with its literal meaning, it's still pretty sketchy.

    Adores: 0
  23. 2010 February 1
    Bianchi Sound permalink

    Oh, Jason F, you have such top quality model looks for a guy who is into bikes.

    Yeah, I really like riding my pig around with my posse.

    Do you mean hog and gang?

    Yeah, I was just, um, testing to see if you were really into the biking lifestyle, like I am so very much.

    Oh, take me now Jason F! Wait. Who is that naked woman?

    Oh, that's Ashley. She's putting herself through fake cosmetology school by being my naked housekeeper.

    Oh Jason F, we should all do it.

    Yeah!

    Yeah!

    **********
    Jason! Jason F! Wake up! You're going to be late for school!

    Damn it mom! I was just in the middle of a good dream. *Under breath* I going to send you a virus, mom...

    Adores: 20
    • 2010 February 1
      TacoMagic permalink

      Don't forget to wear your corrective shoes and thereputic underwear.

      Adores: 1
    • 2010 February 1

      I am sooo ROFLing right now.

      Adores: 2
  24. 2010 February 1

    Can anyone say "double sh*t?"

    *resuming not so secret identity*

    Adores: 1
  25. 2010 February 1

    *message in a bottle*

    How does one change a gravatar and make it stick?

    Adores: 0
    • 2010 February 1

      Clear your cache and restart your browser.

      Adores: 0
      • 2010 February 1

        Hokay. Thanks, Graham. Let's see if it works for me. I didn't realize trying to be clever would result in such a phalangical exercise.

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 1

          You saw that, did you? *embarrassed*

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 February 1

          Well, you know what they say . . . exercising any part of the body on a regular basis is good :D

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 February 1

          or add a spare avatar over at Gravatar and attach it to a different email address, then you can swap between them as you wish

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 February 1

          Ah ha. That was the hitch in the git-a-long. I didn't attach it to another email address. Thanks, dev and Graham. When I have more time, I shall give it another whirl. Meanwhile, it's off to class. Have a lovely evening. May I suggest a nice glass of California wine?

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 February 1

          after the custard incident I'm not sure I dare, or that Graham could cope with round two for that matter * chuckle*

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 1

          I still don't get it. :P

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 February 1

          if it's any consolation Graham, I went back and read through it again sober, and I don't get it either.

          Adores: 1
  26. 2010 February 1
    Cyrus permalink

    I'm deeply confused over the first post for the same reasons others have said above. I don't know of any man that would use the term flats instead of using shoes. And "girlfriends" is still used by women to describe their associated tribe. So this is my conclusion: this female is upset because some of her friends are sensitive. They hate seeing other woman's accessories that are much better than their own.

    And excuse me I'm in College Essay Writing Mode (CEWM pronounced "swim"). *shuffles off back to writing about how environmental awareness is changing ethics in big business*

    Adores: 2
    • 2010 February 1
      Traveler permalink

      There is also the possibility that the poster is not an asshat guy, but an asshat lesbian.

      Adores: 2
  27. 2010 February 1

    I see my ex has been posting on craigslist again.

    Adores: 3
    • 2010 February 1

      Which one?

      Adores: 1
      • 2010 February 1

        Jacob, the one I was with for 6 years, and friends with for 13. Isn't it fitting that the name 'Jacob' means 'liar'?
        Crap, my bitterness showing. How embarrassing!

        Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 1

          Erm, I meant which ad, but the vignette about Jacob was quite interesting. :) Thanks.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 1

          Both, actually. He took pics of himself with my twin turbo Volvo at Pacific Raceways to show off to girls on myspace, after I drove his ass there and worked on my car alone. And the stories about suspicious items found in his house while he was living alone were soap-opera-worthy.
          The story of me is getting better and better, so I'll shut up.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 February 1

          Jacob is a winrar!!!!111

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 1

          Well he won me. Great. Does that make him look bad, or me? Hmm. Both! We're both wienars!!
          On to a less pathetic topic, now.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 1

          You seem to go for jerks.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 1

          Nope, just the one. Guy friends are different, because they are easily disposed of.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 1

          BALETED

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 1
          Lola permalink

          There are many ways of being used. I dated a guy who, I began to discover, was dating me because he liked my roommate but she wasn't interested. And then he also started dating his dealer, but would not admit that either.
          I was half the age I am now and deeply naive.

          Later edit: Wow, you totally had a separate exchange while I was posting this (the phone rang). :(

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 February 1

          You dated a professional card player?

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 1
          Lola permalink

          I wish. Dealer would likely have been better looking.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 February 1

          Ah man, amateur? That's the worst!

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 1

          I guess you're right, Graham. So which category do you fall into? /b

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 1
          Lola permalink

          You don't know the half of it. Amateur in more ways than one. Oh, and a heavy metal tattoo on his hip. *wince* *grimace*

          later edit: yeah, Graham, which are you, a winner or a wiener?

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 1

          Or a jerk? *naw, I haven't fallen for you, don't run off screaming*

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 1

          Oh, Lola! I'm so sorry you had to endure a crappily-tattooed guy!
          You want to know what's better? As soon as I saw this news article, i knew it was a guy I had dated, without it even saying his name. My fam and friends placed bets...and guess who won?
          http://www.kitsapsun.com/news/2008/jan/15/no-cash-but-plenty-confusion-in-pairs-alleged/

          http://www.kitsapsun.com/news/2008/mar/14/man-sentenced-to-nearly-2-years-for-string-of/

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 February 1

          I fall squarely in jerk territory. (I was leaving that one open for you earlier. :P )

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 1

          Aw, no you don't! I hope. You're no Corey or Jacob, for sure.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 1

          Aww, thaaaanks. I've certainly had my Corey-esque moments, though.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 1

          To err is human, but to forgive is divine.
          You should know that, what with the Venus thing.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 1

          Venus has taught me a lot about humility. And clear discharge.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 February 1

          Just wait til she tries to teach you about rear diseases. 0.o

          Adores: 1
  28. 2010 February 1

    I don't know why it took me so long to think of posting this, since:
    1. I am a female
    2. I talk too much anyways
    3. being female, I know how devious we are.
    I have heard many women talk about 'CU Insurance'. if they want to see you again, they will leave something inexpensive, yet important, at your house, so that they can either show up at any god-forsaken time with the excuse of wanting their 'thing' back, or you will be a 'nice guy' and call them and then return it. Also a good way to weed out jerks. I feel this is stupid, since you've already given him what he wants, and if he wants more, he'll be damn sure to get a hold of you.
    Guys, if a female is at your home, seriously, make sure she takes everything with her. And don't let her bring in a metric ass-ton of stuff to leave all over your house. If all else fails, destroy the item with napalm.

    Adores: 1
      • 2010 February 2

        Oh, honey, you send me this as if I don't already know.

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 2

          It was for the benefit of any of our less pyrotechnically-savvy readers... :)

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 2

          We really need to post legal waivers.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 2

          I was just thinking that...

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 2

          Great minds, dearest. Goodnight!

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 2

          The diphenhydramine gods are calling to me...

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 2

          Can't go to sleep without an Ambien.

          Adores: 0
      • 2010 February 2
        Lurker From the North permalink

        Oh, Great! If we weren't already on the FBI watch list that link is sure put us there.

        Witness Protection isn't going to like that.

        No, wait...

        Da Boss aint' gonna like dat, youse guys.

        Adores: 4
  29. 2010 February 2
    Windrose permalink

    Thanks, everyone, for a really nice Monday evening. And christina, don't forget to claim your {card punch/party favors/Richard Nixon}.

    Adores: 3
  30. 2010 February 2

    That is just job security for me. As long as there is a lust for adrenaline in young boys and grown men alike, I will not want for work. There is no fire prevention program for testosterone.
    Edit-That comment refers to the Napalm link.

    Adores: 2
    • 2010 February 2

      YSaC trivia time! My first band was named Napalm Candy. We rocked. In our minds.

      Adores: 0
      • 2010 February 2
        Lola permalink

        If you reassemble, you can open for Asshat Karma!

        Adores: 2
  31. 2010 February 5

    You probably won't understand what this means, but that guy is alpha.

    Adores: 1

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