YSaC, Vol. 565: Will they also have to Get It On?

2010 February 2

I know that a lot of folks are looking for jobs on Craigslist. We here at YSaC are all about helping out.*

*This may not actually be true.

Gong Ringer


Looking for someone to ring a gong in my living room when prompted. Part time position, I imagine mostly weekends. Experience not necessary, but history of gong-related ceremony in bloodline preferred. Serious inquiries only.

As I understand it, proper gong-ringing does not just involve thwacking the heck out of the thing with a stick. It needs to be prepared properly so that it resonates fully. I applaud this person for seeking someone who is biologically adapted to the high-pressure environment of living room gong playing.

But maybe sitting around in someone’s living room waiting to spontaneously percuss isn’t your ideal vocation. Perhaps you prefer something a little more … supernatural. I’ve got just the jobs for you behind the cut.

Vampire hunter


I need a certified vampire hunter immediately, I fear for my life everyday. There is someone in my presence who I suspect is a vampire. For non believers, you need not reply, as you are of no concern to me. SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY.. I will demand a copy of your certification, and will pay you $50 per hour for your time and investigations.

I wonder if this guy was actually successful, and this post was written by his aunt?

What? It could happen.

Seeking someone to check home for ghosts


I believe my house may be haunted with the ghost of a 12 year old boy who died of syphlis in the 1930s. Each night once the sun goes down I suddenly hear a loud grunting coming from one of my bathrooms followed by screams and someone yelling “ouch it burns”. This has now gone on for 2 weeks and I have also found some items such as my bottle of rogaine and deodorant misplaced throughout the house. I know it is no one who lives there as we are all gone during the day. I am looking for someone who can come and search my home for ghosts and if possible remove them. I would like something similar to the ghostbusters movie where you can capture this ghost and remove it from the premises right away. I cannot sleep at night as I constantly stay awake in fear that the ghost may take advantage of me sexually in my sleep. I do not care what you do with the ghost once you capture it I just don’t want it here.

Wait, let me make sure I understand what you’re saying. You’re afraid that the ghost of a 12-year old boy who died of syphilis might take advantage of you in your sleep. And you’re convinced of this because at night, you hear someone yelling “Ouch! It burns!” and then find your Rogaine misplaced.

Well, that makes perfect sense, then. Carry on.

Thanks, Coyote Al and Katherine!

312 Responses leave one →
  1. 2010 February 2
    Traveler permalink

    Who ya gonna call?!?

    [/Ray Parker Jr.]

    Adores: 6
  2. 2010 February 2
    penguin permalink

    Paging Chuck Berris Paging Chuck Berris. We have a perfect mission for you. Use your CIA skills to track down a ghost and then bang a gong when you are done.

    Yeah…I know. T.Rex slipped in there as well but one of the former members could probably use a gig.

    Adores: 5
    • 2010 February 2

      If Chuck Berris and Buffy the vampire slayer had an illegitimate love child it would be able to fill all three of those jobs!

      Adores: 6
  3. 2010 February 2
    TacoMagic permalink

    I wish these had been around while I was job hunting. I’d love jobs where I could catch a gong and bang a ghost.

    Wait, something’s not right there.

    Adores: 63
    • 2010 February 2
      Lola permalink

      TacoMagic: succubus magnet!

      Adores: 5
    • 2010 February 2
      sarajean80 permalink

      Your Freudian slip is showing, dear.

      Adores: 11
      • 2010 February 2
        TacoMagic permalink

        Oh my, I walked out of the house without covering it again didn’t I?

        Adores: 5
        • 2010 February 2
          develish1 permalink

          Hands Taco a towel to cover his shame

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 2

          Wouldn’t SexyFingers need a large bath sheet, not just any old towel?

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 2
          Lola permalink

          A car cover might be more fitting for that famous Massive Link (TM).

          Adores: 7
        • 2010 February 2

          Good on you, Lola, you went for it! I was going to mention his (becoming more and more famous) massive link, but I refrained. He who hesitates is lost.

          Adores: 0
  4. 2010 February 2
    Lola permalink

    OP #1 doesn’t list rates. I was wondering if they vary according to whether or not you have some bangin’ ancestors.

    OP #2: $50 an hour seems cheap. I get billed out to clients at $175/hr. (not that I see any of that) and I don’t even do supernatural things. You want the real thing? Plan to dig deeper.

    I have a question for OP #3: What was that kid doing and at what young age to be dying of syph at the age of 12?!? And what kind of pervert are you to be imagining this?

    Carry on, that is all.

    Adores: 22
    • 2010 February 2
      TacoMagic permalink

      I was wondering where exactly you get certified for vampire hunting.

      To my knowledge there are only two certified vampire hunters, and they’re both fictitious: Van Helsing and D.

      Adores: 8
      • 2010 February 2
        Lola permalink

        I wonder if he’ll take Buffy, at a cut rate? I mean, she has loads of hands-on experience, but without that little piece of paper, no chance at the big bucks.

        Adores: 8
        • 2010 February 2
          TacoMagic permalink

          Indeed. It’s kinda sad that Slayers have to live in secret; it really kills their marketability.

          Adores: 6
      • 2010 February 2
        sarajean80 permalink

        Dude, meet the Internet. Internet, meet Tacomagic.

        *Internet waves and makes peace sign*

        You can find (and buy) just about anything online. I got ordained online by the “Universal Life Church” a few years ago just to see if I could. If I had been willing to fork over $20 at the same time I could have been made a saint, but I needed that money for beer. (The honorary doctorate in theology was on sale for $15. I was very tempted to make myself the Reverend Dr. SaraJean.)

        For $50 an hour I’d be happy to follow around some idiot with more money than sense. I might even be able to get him to increase the salary with the help of a friend or two in judiciously applied make-up.

        Adores: 14
        • 2010 February 2
          Lola permalink

          Is it true that a lot of states don’t recognize marriages done by Universal Life clergy? I’d heard a rumor. Have you solemnized any vows?

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 2
          Traveler permalink

          20 bucks for being a saint? Not bad, but not a bargain either considering that if you join Discordianism you can proclaim yourself Pope (infalibility included!) for free.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 2
          sarajean80 permalink

          Lola – Not while sober. I’m pretty sure any ordination you get over the internet isn’t really binding, but shortly after I had it done some friends of mine got me to marry one of our friends to his car (he’s really fond of it). I printed up a certificate and everything. We named her Margaret.
          (Vaguely related but funny; for his next birthday after the car marriage, a as-yet-unknown friend of his got a bunch of matchbox cars, made tiny diapers for them, and left them in a basket in front of his door and tied a bunch of “It’s a Boy!” and It’s a Girl!” balloons to the car’s antenna, bumper, and fender. It was wonderful.)

          I’m off to make myself Pope now.

          Adores: 27
        • 2010 February 2
          Lola permalink

          Sarajean, if people can marry trees, then they can marry their cars. That’s awesome – and the awesome sauce is the baby Matchboxes!

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 February 2
          TacoMagic permalink

          Yes you can find anything online. But getting certified by “Vampire Studies OL Intl.” is like getting a diploma from Columbia Pacific University. It’s good for wiping yourself, but not much else.

          I’m certain that the second OP would see through these fake accredidations, being such a fine study of all things vampire (IE: Read all the Twilight books).

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 February 2
          Mimi permalink

          Actually in Colorado you COULD legally perform a marriage. (Only between two humans though, as far as I know.)

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 2
          develish1 permalink

          I could probably get myself certified insane, do you think they’d accept that instead?

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 February 2
          sarajean80 permalink

          TM – Regarding the poster seeing through faked credentials – The poster is looking for a vampire hunter. I think that pretty much establishes that his/her/its elevator doesn’t go all the way to the penthouse.

          They probably saw some pale Goth person-of-questionable-sex with too much body glitter and got spooked.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 February 2
          tigprincess permalink

          sarajean80 – you can come and be Pope in the UK/Europe if you want. The current imposter / German has been pontificating (wow, great to use that word in its true meaning – I hope? Isaac?) and “urging Catholic bishops in England and Wales to fight the UK’s Equality Bill with “missionary zeal”.(http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/8493280.stm)
          My ex’s mad relatives, Roman Catholics, didn’t believe in the Polish Pope and kept lashing themselves, praying for 22 hours a day and throwing Turin Shroud T Shirts over everyone they met to redeem them. We didn’t see them very often !!

          Adores: 1
      • 2010 February 2
        queensbee permalink

        yeah, there’s something certifiable, for sure. it aint ghost busting….

        Adores: 1
    • 2010 February 2

      That’s a very specific sort of ghost, is what I was thinking. I’d just assume the ghost was balding and a little bit sweaty.

      Adores: 4
      • 2010 February 2

        And suffers from syphillis.

        Adores: 2
    • 2010 February 2
      Yancy permalink

      This Thursday, for one night only, it’s Syphlis Children! Performing their #2 almost-smash hit “Ouch it burns” from their debut album Misplaced Rogaine! Special guests Cut-Rate Vampire Slayer, performing songs from their albums Cheap Stake and Neck Nibblin’, and Bangin’ Ancestors, performing songs from their soon-to-be-released album Bangin’ Bloodlines!

      Adores: 26
    • 2010 February 2
      Windrose permalink

      Dang, I just took a job as a vampire hunter, but it only pays $22 per hour. I should have kept looking.

      Adores: 6
    • 2010 February 3
      Maureen permalink

      What was that kid doing and at what young age to be dying of syph at the age of 12?!?

      Getting born with it, probably. It transmits from infected mothers.

      The real question here is – why does the Rogaine connection mean 12-year-old boy from the 30s? I’m thinking more like middle-aged dude from the 70s with this one.

      Adores: 5
  5. 2010 February 2
    kireina permalink

    Um. Why does a 12-year old need Rogaine? And how did a 12-year old end up with syphilis? And how do you know he died in the 1930s?

    Adores: 6
    • 2010 February 2
      TacoMagic permalink

      To be brutally fair here, I started going bald when I was 14. And, I’m told that Patric Stewart started earlier than that even. Maybe he’s just a kid with the right MPD gene… who’s dead… and still wants a full head of hair…

      Ok, I got nothing.

      Adores: 9
      • 2010 February 2
        Lola permalink

        Maybe his hair fell out from the syphilis treatment? Though I’ve never heard anyone else going bald from their mercury bath.

        MPD = Mayberry PD? That’s genetic?

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 2
          TacoMagic permalink

          Pretend that it’s a backwards… capital… D. Crap.

          Taco needs his coffee.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 2

          It’s short for Male-Pattern Depilation, of course.

          Adores: 9
        • 2010 February 2
          TacoMagic permalink

          Woohoo! Implausible deniability! Thanks Isaac.

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 February 2
          Windrose permalink

          Taco, shouldn’t you change you handle to TestosteroneMagicSexyFingers?

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 February 2

          See how useful my +5 Satchel of Sesquipedalianisms is?

          Adores: 6
    • 2010 February 2
      develish1 permalink

      am I the only one here thinking it’s their actual 12 year old hiding in the bathroom at night applying the Rogaine to places he shouldn’t in attempt to encourage initial growth?

      Adores: 33
      • 2010 February 2
        tigprincess permalink

        develish1 – I’m right there with you on that thought!

        Adores: 0
    • 2010 February 3
      Lurker From the North permalink

      He knows it is a 12 year old boy from the 1930s because when he heard noises he did a little research on the history of the house and those who lived (and died) there. Si if this is what he learned… Ewww.

      There must be other ways to contract syphillis than the popular way. Right? Right?

      Adores: 1
      • 2010 February 3
        Windrose permalink

        Popular way? LOL Well, if you figure out any other ways, I don’t want to know because they must be, uhm, icky. 8)

        Adores: 1
  6. 2010 February 2
    Traveler permalink

    Ok, after the absolute obviousness of my previous post, some additional considerations about each ad.

    -For the first, unless the living room is in his secret underground base from which he plans to coordinate his master plan of world domination, having a gong ringer is clearly overdoing things. If said living room is in his secret underground base from which he plans to coordinate his master plan of world domination, then I have no objections.

    -For the second, what certification can a vampire hunter have? A letter from her Watcher?

    -For the third, I can’t decide what’s creepier, that he thinks that a ghost with syphilis (sorry, “syphlis”, a rare variant that causes an unability to spell as an aditional symptom) may take advantage of him sexually in his sleep, or that the gost of a 12 year old child may do it.

    Adores: 4
    • 2010 February 2
      TacoMagic permalink

      Hey, child ghosts need loving too. They just usually have to pay.

      Too far yet?

      Adores: 1
      • 2010 February 2
        Traveler permalink

        I thought usually they got paid for it. I mean, considering inflation (and the prices of Rogaine), they can’t unlive just on what they had saved on the 1930s.

        Adores: 3
        • 2010 February 2

          Are we going to have to drag out the dead/undead cost of living chart again?

          *drags gi-normous flip chart, with impressive pie chart on it, to center of room*

          Kids, y’all are just going to have to pay closer attention in class…especially you undead ones in the back row!

          Adores: 8
      • 2010 February 2
        MsDolfinn permalink

        Do they have a 900 number for that?

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 2
          sarajean80 permalink

          I’m pretty sure there’s Rule 34 for that. How could there not be?

          Adores: 2
      • 2010 February 2
        tigprincess permalink

        TacoMagic -reminds me of the Superman / Superwoman / Invisible Man joke !!

        Adores: 2
    • 2010 February 3
      Sosij permalink

      Overdoing things? Gongs don’t ring themselves, buddy.

      Adores: 0
  7. 2010 February 2
    TacoMagic permalink

    Anyone seen Windrose? I want my punch so I can squee with girlish delight.

    But you know… in a manly way.

    Adores: 3
    • 2010 February 2

      You’re just lucky I didn’t list you as SexyFingers. I figured I’d tormented you enough already.

      Adores: 6
      • 2010 February 2
        SexyFingers permalink

        Hehe, I wouldn’t have blamed you. I brought that nickname on myself.

        Adores: 3
      • 2010 February 2

        And here I thought one of the rules of YsaC was that there was never enough torment to spread around.

        *old dog . . . new tricks . . . steep learning curve*

        Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 2
          Lola permalink

          The llama-nun has more restraint than we do – no surprise, as she is blessed. Bees be upon her.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 February 2

          And also upon you.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 2

          Go in peace and serve the snark!

          Adores: 2
    • 2010 February 2
      Lola permalink

      I believe that may be what is known as the “fanboy squee.”

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 February 2
        MsDolfinn permalink

        Is that a new song by Beck or Fatboy Slim perhaps?

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 2
          Traveler permalink

          I think it is by Pubic Relations. Or by Still Naked, maybe.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 2
          Bettie permalink

          Beck is currently in the grips of the Scientologists, so I doubt he has the ability to fanboy or squee over anything that doesn’t involve Zetas. Or Theta levels. Or whatever their alien-beasts are called.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 2
          mudslicker permalink

          Bettie: that’s Glenn Beck, correct?

          *the weepy Mormon finally crossed over*

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 2
          TacoMagic permalink

          I’m just waiting for him to come out of his Glass Closet (Glass Fortress maybe?).

          Somebody that homophobic is obviously uncomfortable with how attrative he finds the men he has on his show.

          Adores: 5
  8. 2010 February 2
    Bettie permalink

    #2 just doesn’t understand how to write a proper Vampire Hunter Needed ad. One, he is going to shuck out a lot more than $50 an hour for that type of work. But also, what type of vampire?

    For a Dracula, Buffy or a Blade-type, those turn top dollars.

    For an Edward–that’s a cheap rate. Just find a girl with no personality to distract him before staking.

    As for a Lestat or a Louis–those are done gratis. Cause I’d have no intention of killing those pretty man beasts.

    Adores: 8
    • 2010 February 2
      tigprincess permalink

      Bettie – and I’d never kill Mitchell, the lovely vampire in Being Human, but I could do him serious damage!
      * Being Human – a Vampire, a Ghost and a Werewolf share a flat in Bristol – and amongst other things squabble about who does the washing up*
      http://www.bbc.co.uk/beinghuman/about/

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 February 2
        SilvaNoir permalink

        Ah, I saw that show. He was quite nice looking, and was trying to get along with humans.

        Adores: 1
    • 2010 February 2
      sarajean80 permalink

      At the risk of being pelted with rotten fruit and chunks of brick, I will admit to having read the Twilight books and that I found them mildly entertaining.

      *Ducks behind cover

      Notice that I said “mildly entertaining”, I do not own any posters, lunchboxes,keychains, etc, nor have I ever dressed in matching T-shirts with a passel of sign-waving, post-menopausal women and stood in line to watch a movie featuring sparkly undead creatures.

      Please do not kill me.

      Adores: 7
      • 2010 February 2

        Just admit that Stephenie Meyer’s prose is amateurish and we’ll forgive you.

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 2
          sarajean80 permalink

          I would use the terms “sophmoric” and “overly emotional tripe”, but I’ll go with amateurish if it stops the letter bombs.

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 February 2

          Ooh, one-upped me. Well done. You are forgiven.

          Adores: 2
      • 2010 February 2
        develish1 permalink

        may we at least stare accusingly?

        Adores: 3
        • 2010 February 2
          Lola permalink

          I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear because SJ has embarrassed herself enough already. Then I’ll say, “So, did you see the latest YSAC post?” Etc.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 February 2

          I’ll clink my silverware and stare at my plate.

          Adores: 4
      • 2010 February 2

        Whoa. I stand by Sarajean. And I will admit that I have taken advantage of the Twilight Tours through Forks, simply because driving there from here is expensive, and the Hoh rain forest and First beach are usually off-limits to hikers.
        If I can do it all for less than $50 and stray from the swooning crowd of pudgy 15 yr olds dressed in black, then my weekend is made.
        Plus, Robert Pattinson can sing. And he’s a raging hottie in his own bizarre-looking way.

        Adores: 0
        • 2010 February 2
          Lola permalink

          I went to college with someone from Forks who never had any intention of going back (mainly as college was a way to have a better standard of living than not going) and I’ve always wondered what he is making of all of the hoo-ha there. I think the thing that is weird about it to me is that Meyer never went there when she started writing. She picked what seemed to her to be the rainiest, greyest place she could find, did a little research and … made bank.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 2

          I used to go there to get away, and now I have to come back home to get away from Forks. Even worse is that I can’t tell people I’m going without finding out with a quickness whose eyes will get big and shiny and start OMG-ing and hyperventilating. Or just judging me to no end.
          The place has some seriously breath-taking waterfalls, trails and beaches, and I was disappointed that the woods scenes in the movies haven’t involved some of my favorite spots.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 2
          TacoMagic permalink

          I used to pass through Forks all the time. Many of my favorite hiking trails are within 30 miles of that place, including the rainforest beach trail, which is one of the best beach trails ever.

          That said, Forks was pretty much a hole before the Twilight books, and now it’s a hole that is posing as a tourist retreat.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 2
          sarajean80 permalink

          On the up side, if they did include your favorite spots, you could no longer go there without tripping over the aforementioned pasty-faced teens in black.

          I liked him better in Harry Potter, he had an accent and didn’t look like a corpse wearing lipstick.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 February 2
          Lola permalink

          Sounds typical of H’wood to use a place for the setting and then miss the mark.
          I haven’t seen the films or read the books (aside from a few paragraphs that I decided were plenty) so I’ll take your word for it.

          As for embarrassment, I enjoy purplish prose from time to time, which is why I won’t point and laugh (I like espionage and crime novels, and also true crime; I didn’t share that in grad school when I was getting my English MA). I have a friend who helps support her family by writing erotic romance (orignally e-books, now actual print for a publisher I’ve seen in the big box bookstores), and the numbers on romance sales are staggering. The books aren’t just for tweens/teens/the uneducated. Virtually every female demographic buys them in some form. I once asked her what the difference was between what is stereotypically considered romance and international best-sellers like Bridget Jones that are treated as regular novels, and the reply was one word: “Marketing.”

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 February 2

          The rainforest beach trail is the best! My daughter was hiking it with me by the time she was 4. You keep stopping at the most beautiful place, and then finding another one.
          Once again, Sarajean is right. But if you’re going to go all that way to film, why not?
          He’ll always be Cedric Diggory to me.
          http://roflrazzi.com/2009/07/18/celebrity-pictures-radcliffe-pattinson-stab-sparkle/

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 2

          Hollywood does have a way of transforming a familiar place to one almost unrecognizable in a film. One of my old time favorites is Alfred Hitchcock’s “The Birds.” I grew up just a short distance from Bodega Bay, and I barely recognize it in the film. The church isn’t even in the same town.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 2

          Lola: You are right about the target demographic being much wider than most assume. I was trying to write a paper for a religious studies journal about how Stephenie Meyer has created a Mormon erotica but I couldn’t finish it. I couldn’t force myself to read a whole Twilight book; I guess my reward center just doesn’t function the same way.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 February 2
          sarajean80 permalink

          AE – Or they use a place that looks nothing like the original in an effort to save a little money. Sure, that makes sense – spend multiple millions on famous actors, and then shave off a few thousand by filming somewhere cheaper.

          Ranks right up there with horrible fake accents in my book.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 2
          SilvaNoir permalink

          One of my favorite things to do with friends is rent movies set in Boston… we yell at the screen whenever something is off (which is all the time). “You can’t take the red line to there! Wrong!”

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 February 2
          Jane permalink

          The setting in the Twilight film doesn’t look like Forks, Washington because it was filmed in Vancouver and Vancouver Island, British Columbia. Still wet, gray and dreary, but cheaper!

          Adores: 1
      • 2010 February 2
        2Sly4U permalink

        I have a “Drives Like a Cullen” bumper sticker!! (Only because that is my maiden name and, well, I do! I am a Cullen, therefore I drive like one!! See what I did there? :P )
        I am growing tired of all the people asking me where I got it and the of the covetous stares of the teenage girls, though, so I *might* take it off.

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 2
          sarajean80 permalink

          If you really want to freak out the teenyboppers, you could tell them you got it from your brother, Edward.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 February 2

          that’s cool. I have the sticker, and I drive a Volvo.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 2
          christina permalink

          Back in the pre-Katrina days I wrote a rough draft for a good old fashioned New Orleans vampire novel but shelved it soon after. I dusted it off and let a good friend proof it a couple years later. She commented that my “Twilight” satire was well written but might be heavy handed. I had no idea what she meant, having never read the book. she was referring to the character (human) whose name I had spent the longest deciding on; Tim Cullen. I have vowed never to read Twilight because of this.

          Adores: 6
      • 2010 February 2
        sarajean80 permalink

        All the Twilight talk has changed the ads, now one of them is for custom Twilight mugs.

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 2
          TacoMagic permalink

          I’ve got one for dating cycling singles. I’m assuming that has something to do with the YDSac?

          Adores: 2
      • 2010 February 3

        I know it’s late, and you might not see this, but this link is for all Twilight lovers and haters. And for just anyone who is awesome and breathes. It’s worth the very stupid, juvenile, long read. I laughed so hard it hurt.

        http://oxymoronassoc.livejournal.com/462027.html

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 August 19
          SilverDragon permalink

          Oh. My. God. I almost peed myself. +11 billion for this link. :)

          Adores: 0
  9. 2010 February 2
    penguin permalink

    I want to know what the vampire looks like. If he looks like Eric from True Blood, I am so there. Won’t even have to pay me. Not sure where one gets certified to be a vamp hunter but I am thinking I could whip something up on my computer and print it out.

    Adores: 3
    • 2010 February 2
      Lola permalink

      I think they sell those blank certificates by the dozens at Staples or similar. See if you can’t get an assortment pack and whip up different specialties so that you can up the hourly rate.

      Adores: 0
    • 2010 February 2
      Bettie permalink

      He might be very disappointed if you didn’t kill said Eric-look-alike.

      Though vampires tend to have a lot of cash. So I would think that the vampire could pay me a lot more to kill this guy. So I could have hot vampire plus a ton of cash. Win-win, right there.

      Adores: 7
  10. 2010 February 2
    Heather permalink

    It just so happens that I’m in the business of vampire hunter certification! That’ll be $200, for anyone interested. Be sure to enter code STAKE-EM50 at the PayPal check-out for a 10% discount.

    Adores: 9
    • 2010 February 2

      I sell them for $150. Group rates available.

      Adores: 5
      • 2010 February 2

        Oooh…a bidding war!

        Do I hear $100, with stakes thrown in as a free gift?

        Adores: 4
        • 2010 February 2
          sarajean80 permalink

          $75 and I’ll throw in a trenchcoat and hair gel!

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 February 2

          $125, and I’ll throw in a special vampire detection mirror in travel size.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 2

          I’m accredited by the Kristy Swanson Board of Vampire Hunting.

          Adores: 4
      • 2010 February 2

        $50 and you get this genuine replica of Mr. Pointy with a lustrous hand-rubbed finish and a beautiful simulated leather carrying pouch in your choice of 4 fashion colors. Also makes a great gift!

        Adores: 4
        • 2010 February 2
          TacoMagic permalink

          That episode makes me weep. If only because nobody anywhere on the production team noticed that Sarah was using the knife sharpener incorrectly. Not only incorrectly, but as incorrectly as possible to the point where there would be no edge left on the knife at all.

          I was seriously screaming at the TV, my wife had to calm me down. I’m a bit of a Corey when it comes to knives.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 February 2
          Ed Snyder permalink

          Careful, if you hand rub Mr. Pointy too much he tends to spit.

          Adores: 13
      • 2010 February 2
        Lola permalink

        Graham, such is my impression of your posts in general that when you wrote “group rate” I thought you were going to say something about a no-tell motel. Ahem.

        *retrieves mind from gutter*

        Adores: 3
        • 2010 February 2

          Lola, I’m shocked, shocked, that you would think I would post something so crass.

          Now, do you want to see my Rule 34 pictures of Sarah Michelle Gellar or not?

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 February 2
          TacoMagic permalink

          I think the entire show precludes the need for Rule 34.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 February 2
          Lola permalink

          Graham, there’s a journal of Buffy studies (for real). I have read about the slashfic, and don’t need the pics (some things you can’t unread). But thanks for the offer.

          Later edit: Here it is, Slayage, the Online Journal of Buffy Studies. Peer-reviewed and everything.
          http://slayageonline.com/

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 2

          Thanks for the link, Lola!

          A friend of a friend wrote this book: What Would Buffy Do: The Vampire Slayer as Spiritual Guide.

          Obviously, Buffy Studies is SRS BUISNESS, PPL!

          If anything, it should highlight that “peer-reviewed” is not a gold standard for determining how legitimate a journal or field of studies should be regarded. (A debate that I have engaged in many times with some academic types.)

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 2
          Lola permalink

          Actually, I figured that a journal of supernatural pop-culture that was peer-reviewed sort of explained itself … ;)
          As for WWBD, I think I’m buying that for a few friends’ birthdays …

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 February 2

          Awesome! I’m sure Jana will be pleased.

          Adores: 1
  11. 2010 February 2
    sarajean80 permalink

    Why do I picture the required uniform for the gong-banger being a leather loincloth and a bottle of baby oil?

    Adores: 9
  12. 2010 February 2

    Gong Ringer – see Chuck Barris

    Vampire Hunter – see Peter Vincent (and Coreys if you get the ref)

    Syphillis Succubus – see…erm…okay, all I can come up with is “ewww…”

    Adores: 2
    • 2010 February 2
      sarajean80 permalink

      {corey}The male term is incubus (or incubi in plural),a succubus is female. {/corey}

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 February 2
        Lola permalink

        [corey]And the plural of succubus is succubi.[/corey]

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 2
          TacoMagic permalink

          You know, I like a Succubus that swings both ways.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 February 2

          I rode a ‘suck you bus’ once. I got syphlus.

          Adores: 6
      • 2010 February 2

        [pardon me while i burst into flames]

        Adores: 6
        • 2010 February 2
          Windrose permalink

          I tried to catch the Succubus, but it passed me bi. (best I can do when home sick for the day)

          Adores: 7
        • 2010 February 2
          Lola permalink

          Get well, Windrose, so you can be your usual chirpy self (cheep laugh, I know) soon!

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 2
          Windrose permalink

          Lola, that one will be a feather in your cap! I just hope I don’t have chirpees.

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 February 2

          Holy cruds, my brain went to the same song.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 February 2

          That’s strange. Pardon Me was the first Incubus song I heard so I guess my brain defaults to it any time the topic comes up.

          Adores: 0
      • 2010 February 2

        Okay, first…let’s just say I’m a li’l frightened that y’all know all this…

        And secondly, I like the ring of Syphilis Succubus…don’t you?

        Adores: 3
        • 2010 February 2
          sarajean80 permalink

          It does have a pleasant rhythm, doesn’t it?

          I do have more in a corey vein;
          {corey} In the Dark Ages, incubi were blamed for accidential or unexplainable pregnancies. Succubi were thought responsible for the …late night releases… of young men of a certain age. {/corey}

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 2
          Lola permalink

          I recently – within the past couple of years – had a coworker tell me that some of her female relatives of varying ages and generations lived in a house here in the city where, after a while, they all discovered that they were having sexual dreams, and began to think that the house was haunted. I don’t think any of them became pregnant, however. I think they just had *sultry voice* really good dreams. Apparently the men in the house did not have the same experience, and when the family moved, the incidents apparently stopped. Incubus, anyone?

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 February 2
          sarajean80 permalink

          I don’t think I would have moved.

          Adores: 9
        • 2010 February 2
          Lola permalink

          I know, right, sarajean? You can’t get diseases or pregnant, you only have to deal with them when you’re sleeping, what’s not to like?

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 2

          Let’s just hope they don’t talk in their sleep. That would be an awkward morning at the breakfast table.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 February 2
          TacoMagic permalink

          {Corey} Actually, blaming demons and angels for pregnancies has been around for a very, very long time. It mostly has to do with the fact that the punishment in a lot of cultures for becoming pregnant outside of wedlock is a horrible, usually lingering, death.

          It seems that there really wasn’t any incentive to tell the truth about the origin of a child if he was concieved out of wedlock.{/Corey}

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 2

          [corey] Unshielded electrical/electronic devices/electromagnetic fields could produce such effects. [/corey]

          Edit: The dreams, not the pregnancies, as mentioned in TM’s post.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 2
          sarajean80 permalink

          HHNF – Unless they could teach the ghost to cook. A free hot meal glosses over many indiscretions.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 February 2

          Um, Lola, what was the address of that house again? I’m just curious.

          *whistles*

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 2
          sarajean80 permalink

          Graham – how strong of an electromagnetic field would be required to produce these dreams?

          Just out of scientific curiosity, of course.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 February 2
          TacoMagic permalink

          Probably on the order of 1 or 2 Tesla.

          There has been no scientific substantiation of EM fields producing physicological changes at amplitudes found in living environments, even from unshielded wires or even electronic switching stations.

          Most of these incidents where EM fields where blamed turned out to be caused by secondary situations (such as existing dementia, night terrors, or even just a disposition to vivid dreaming).

          At least not that I’ve read. I’m about a year behind in my medical physics though. If there have been studies done more recently on this, please drop me a link to the journal article as I always enjoy a scientific study.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 2
          Lola permalink

          Coco – somewhere in the Bronx. I could enquire about the precise address if you wish to further your scientific interest.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 2

          TM & Sarajean —

          My understanding is that EMF have been successfully used to give test subject the impression that people were standing the room with them, etc.

          I don’t have the footnote on hand but I read it in the book Why We Believe What We Believe by Andrew Newberg, MD.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 February 2
          TacoMagic permalink

          EMF can easily do that, but its the order of EMF and repeatability of the study that’s important. Most studies that I’ve read showed that level of physiologic effects at around 3Tesla, which is roughly 60,000x stronger than the average field strength of the Earth (about 0.5 gauss).

          Subcranial or focust EM pulses can also produce these pysilogic effects, but the situations neccisary to replicate these effects are so specific as to be nearly impossible to accidently duplicate in a real world situation.

          If I remember correctly, the EMF experimens of Dr. Newberg were done with a focused EMF emitter placed externally on the subjects. This might be another study, but it seems to ring in my memory as his.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 2

          TM:
          You are correct that the emitter was focused.

          I’ll defer to your superior knowledge on this matter. :)

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 February 2
          TacoMagic permalink

          Sorry, part of my masters thesis was on physiologic aftereffects of 3T and above MRI. When the conversation turns to EMF my inner corey gets all riled up.

          It’s one of the reasons my wife won’t watch ghost hunter style shows with me in the room. As soon as they pull out their EMF reader I start calling them rather… unfriendly… names. They always use them incorrectly.

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 February 2
          Lola permalink

          TM, do EMF make sounds audible to the average human? I’m asking as I was wondering whether there was a subliminal audio component that could make the EMF-induced experiences even more vivid. Apparently theatre directors have done some work with subliminal sound that – independent of the performances – has caused people to faint with fear, as well as causing the directors to stop doing so (“We just want people to crap themselves figuratively, not literally”).

          Later edit: OT – Wasn’t there a group called EMF about 20 years ago? I seem to recall some drunken careening (mine) to that “Unbelievable” song around that time.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 February 2

          TM: No worries. I actually had an interview to be on the show (Ghost Hunters) as a junior/apprentice/whatever, and when the casting guy asked why I thought I should be on the show, I told him that they needed someone to bring some sort of scientific rigor to their methodology. :P

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 February 2
          Lola permalink

          Graham, hmmm, I wonder why you weren’t chosen … ;)

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 2
          TacoMagic permalink

          EMF does not directly make audible sounds, however there is a caviat here.

          EMF is actually a big name for a WIDE variety of electro magnetic phenomina. For example, light is actually a type of EM field (also a particle, but I won’t go there).

          By itself EMF does not make sound, however, since sound is meerly the frequency and amplitude of the wave of molecular collisions through a medium (air in our case) it is possible for EMF to drive these collisions in one way or another. A speaker for instance is actually a converter that changes an electrical signal to acoustic sound by vibrating an actuator (usually a magnet).

          It would be theoretically feasable to create a machine that could generate EM pulses strong enough to move the air molecules in a coehesive way to produce sound. The problem is that the machine would be far less efficent than just using a speaker.

          You could even broadcast an EMF field to produce noises in speakers you don’t directly control. For example, if you’ve ever heard your speakers chatter and chirp right before you get a cell phone call. This is actually the coil within the speaker picking up the EMF signal of the cell phone tower and converting it to an audible buzz. Of course newer speakers are shielded to prevent this.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 February 2

          Lola: I actually just didn’t continue the interview process. It wasn’t going to be a full-time gig, just a week here, few days there sort of thing, and it was going to be way too hard to manage with my current employment arrangement. But your explanation is funnier.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 2
          sarajean80 permalink

          Graham – Just think about what you missed out on, poking around old buildings at night (and in the dark so you can use the fancy night-vision cameras) until the wee hours of the morning, trying to make every noise and rattle into a major event.
          The early episodes were the best, they actually traveled around with twin brothers who were demonologists!

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 2
          TacoMagic permalink

          Ok people, I’ve corey’d enough for one day. Time to slip into my chipmunk costume.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 February 2
          Lola permalink

          Graham,
          My daily work is so dry and factual and logical (the law and related research is like that … usually) that frequently I approach a lot of things that way: “the burden of proof is on the ghosthunter! I am not convinced beyond a reasonable doubt!” etc. I think those shows might benefit from a devil’s advocate, so to speak, who could do a mythbuster/scientific explanation for things. Would it take away all of the mystery? No, because no one can explain everything (except parents, when their kids are really small, and then childrearing takes its toll and they forget things, and apparently don’t know anything by the time their kids are teens, but I digress).

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 February 2

          sarajean — the potential for me to make a laughing stock of myself when I stumbled across a spider or something was also a factor that led to me withdrawing myself from consideration. :P

          TM: There’s a little truth to every joke. Is there something you’d like to share with the class?

          Lola: I would have really enjoyed being the on-screen skeptic and calling BS on stuff all the time, but the personal cost would have been too high. :(

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 2
          TacoMagic permalink

          Don’t get me started on the things wrong with the Ghost Hunter’s approach to hunting ghosts scientifically. I could LITERALLY go on for hours.

          Suffice to say their method pollutes the results from the very beginning.

          Not to mention that after 2 seasons of not finding anything the network has obviously pressured them into… *ahem* “finding” more evidence than they used to. If only they hired somebody to make their evidence less… evident.

          GT: Ok I admit it, I’m really a chipmunk and I’m only pretending to be a Human to get more friends. *Cries*

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 February 3
          mudslicker permalink

          TM and Graham get the coveted Corey Credit Conferment for that scintillating back and forth banter about EMF readings. Please take a bow boys and keep your acceptance speeches to a pithy 28 minutes.

          As an aside, IMHO, the fact that Grant and Jason DON’T come up with evidence at every turn is a plus in my book.

          Ghost Adventures is viable merely for its entertainment value of watching Moe, Larry and Curly (aka Zak, Aaron and Nick) take their terror to soaring heights of over-the-top pants shitting.

          Paranormal State will make my K2 meter go off the charts the first time they don’t attribute activity to pesky demons and construction on Native American land.

          Ghost Lab with the Kringe brothers (pronounced CRIN-ge) totally tried too hard despite the fact that their equipment budget was on a par to about a gazillion milligaus of greenbacks.

          And finally, the latest gem, Paranormal Cops just makes me want to just go eat a doughnut and then throw it up. A&E just needs to stop coming up with “new” ideas…

          …unless of course they adopt a program entitled Paranormal Priests, Nuns and Clown Mediums. No electronic do-dads—strictly rosary beads, communion wafers, holy water, and crucifixes; and they must do all their investigating while donning sparkly mitres and Dolce & Gabbana tulle habits.

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 February 3
          Dan permalink

          I KNEW there was a reason I liked you, TM.

          I have a post graduate degree in the natural sciences too.

          I think that newspapers should stop printing astrology columns if they want to continue to claim to represent objective journalism. Let’s see how far I get with that one…

          Adores: 0
    • 2010 February 2

      Peter Vincent … Roddy McDowell?

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 February 2

        Corey! Corey!

        Adores: 2
  13. 2010 February 2

    Maybe the vampire bait and the paranormal activity victim should hook up. I mean, if a vampire can’t take out a balding tween ghost with an oozing rash, then I simply don’t know what the world is coming to.

    Adores: 5
    • 2010 February 2
      TacoMagic permalink

      What if the vampire sparkles? I think protoplasmic VD trumps glitter covered vampire.

      Adores: 4
      • 2010 February 2
        Lola permalink

        Everything trumps glitter-covered vamps. If you played scissors-paper-rock-glitter vamp, glitter vamp would lose to everything else, every time.

        Adores: 8
      • 2010 February 2

        That’s actually a very good question, TM. The answer, of course, is that real vampires do not sparkle, and therefore, deserve to have ectoplasm in their undies.

        Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 2
          TacoMagic permalink

          Actually I got in an argument about that with my, at the time, 14 year old cousin. I refused to call the sparkly varient “Vampires”. Instead I referred to them as “David Bowies” or DBers (dee-bers) for short. She grew increasingly angry and violent through the conversation.

          She wouldn’t talk to me for about 2 years. Then, last Christmas (’08), I bought her the entire Bram Stoker collection in order to pull her back into the literary world. I got an email from her about a month ago, it simply said, “I’m beginning to think that you may have had a point.”

          Thank you, Bram.

          Adores: 14
        • 2010 February 2
          TacoMagic permalink

          I should note that this year I gave her 4 books written by Mary Shelley as a follow up.

          I think next year I’m going to start moving in with a three pronged attack of Poe, Twain, and Kipling.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 February 2
          mudslicker permalink

          As Clarice would say, “…sparkly vampires look like town to me.”

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 2
          mudslicker permalink

          TacoMagic: In place of Twain I would definitely go with William Blake.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 2

          “David Bowies” FTW! I am so, so stealing that.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 2
          TacoMagic permalink

          Oh, didn’t even think of W. Blake. I’m totally sending her “Marriage of Heaven and Hell”.

          Maybe I’ll substitue some Arthur Machen for Kipling as well. I doubt she’s even heard of “The Three Imposters”.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 2
          mudslicker permalink

          Brilliant!

          Kill two birds with one stone and be sure to also send her that poem about the Not. A. Lion., Not. A Lion, burning bright.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 2
          TacoMagic permalink

          For you Mudslicker:

          Not. A. Lion.

          Not. A. Lion., Not. A. Lion. burning bright
          Above the mantle, about eye height,
          What types of wood that I buy
          Could frame thy fearful symmetry?

          In what distant basement found
          Was your glorious striped mane bound?
          What craigslist add dare that sell,
          Your glorious visage with anger dwell?

          And what rug and what pin
          Could find thy true name; the one within?
          And when thy name graced this land
          Who could say that it rang less grand?

          What the canvas? What the frame?
          In what library hangs your mane?
          For missing now it seems to be,
          Left only now the stripes we see.

          And with the price of your visage made,
          Farewell to thy posting we must bade.
          But once again we hope to glance,
          Your selling once again to chance.

          Not. A. Lion., Not. A. Lion. burning bright
          Above your mantle, about eye height,
          What types of wood that I buy
          Could frame thy fearful symmetry?

          Credit to William Blake for the original Poem: “The Tiger”.

          Adores: 50
        • 2010 February 2

          If SexyFinger’s song doesn’t make sidebar, it just might be the first YSaC fail.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 2
          TacoMagic permalink

          I only hope that it honors William Blake’s original masterpiece rather than seem mocking.

          Edit: Thank you HHNF. I’m glad I have an audience here when I do decide to reveal my poetic side.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 February 2

          It’s just poetic justice.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 2

          Our manually pleasurable, occult Mexican food friend seems to be going for a YDSaC hat trick.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 2
          mudslicker permalink

          Awww shucks TM….your Rod McKuen makes me swoon!

          *rhymie rhymie*

          Or…Pass me a lime marguerita (aka “The Rind of the Ancient Mariner”)

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 February 2
          Lola permalink

          TM, you’re a bloody genius. Keep it up as the Muse moves you.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 2
          sarajean80 permalink

          Holy blankity-blank!

          That.

          Was.

          AWESOME!

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 2

          Cry havoc!, and let slip the protoplasm of war, that this foul travesty of a vampire shall smell above the earth with starry-eyed carrion fangirls groaning for ‘Team Edward!’

          Adores: 9
        • 2010 February 2
          TacoMagic permalink

          We’ve been Shakespeared.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 2

          I know it didn’t really fit into the conversation. I got caught up in the moment! You *had* to trot out your Kipling.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 2
          SilvaNoir permalink

          TM- you win an internet with that reworked poem. Here you go, one internet *hands over on a silver platter*

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 February 2

          Absolutely epic, SexyTacoFingers

          Adores: 2
  14. 2010 February 2
    Karmyn permalink

    The big question is what species of vampire we’re dealing with here. Because if it’s a Supernatural type vampire, staking won’t do anything except piss it off. You’ll need to weaken it with dead man’s blood before you cut it’s head off. Just make sure you don’t get any of it’s blood on you.
    For most vampires, a simple staking will do. Just don’t use evergreen. That’s for pagan gods, which are not vampires.
    As for the possibly pervy ghost with the Rogaine fetish, you’re on your own. I suggest you invest in some salt and iron.

    Adores: 6
  15. 2010 February 2
    mudslicker permalink

    I cannot sleep at night as I constantly stay awake in fear that the ghost may take advantage of me sexually in my sleep.

    *please please please please*

    Adores: 12
    • 2010 February 2
      TacoMagic permalink

      Rule 34?

      Adores: 1
      • 2010 February 2
        mudslicker permalink

        Just why is Rule #34 so far down on the list?

        I’m sure there’s a Coreynition that can address that anomaly.

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 2
          TacoMagic permalink

          I think the first 33 address the other forms of porn individually. Once they hit 34 I think they gave up.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 2
          mudslicker permalink

          Now THIS is a coreynition! (why do I suddenly feel like Jim Carrey?)

          –”Rule 34″ of the Internet, which states that “If it exists, there is porn of it. No exceptions.”

          –34 is the traffic code of Istanbul, Turkey

          –”#34,” a song by the Dave Matthews Band

          –In the title of the 1947 movie Miracle on 34th Street

          – +34 is the code for international direct-dial phone calls to Spain

          –In the book The Count of Monte Cristo, 34 is Edmond Dantès’ prisoner number

          Adores: 2
      • 2010 February 2

        I think there is proof on Scary Movie.

        Adores: 2
  16. 2010 February 2
    Yancy permalink

    Here’s a course offered from the university program that granted me two college degrees. Makes me feel really confident in the education I received. About as confident as I’d be in receiving an online certificate in vampire hunting.

    ENGL 432 TRAIL OF THE VAMPIRE
    Section M01 TR 11:45-13:00 LINKIN
    This course looks at nineteenth- and twentieth-century representations of the vampire in literature and film. We’ll begin with the
    origins of vampiric representation in the early nineteenth century, move to the classic representation of the vampire as Dracula, and
    shift to the revisionary representation of the vampire in post-Dracula literature and film. Readings and screenings for the course will
    include as much of the following as we can manage, without screaming:
    Part 1/Origins and early manifestations: Samuel Taylor Coleridge (“The Rime of the Ancient Mariner,” “Christabel”), John Keats
    (“Lamia,” “La Belle Dame San Merci”), John Polidori (“The Vampyyre”), J. Sheridan Le Fanu (“Carmilla”)
    Part 2/Dracula, the classic imprint: Bram Stoker (Dracula, “Dracula’s Guest”), Rudyard Kipling (“The Vampire”), Frank Powell (A
    Fool There Was), F.W. Murnau (Nosferatu), Tod Browning (Dracula)
    Part 3/Revisionary visions: Franz Lieber (“The Girl with the Hungry Eyes”), Richard Matheson (I Am Legend), Dan Curtis (Dark
    Shadows), Stephen King (Salem’s Lot), Harry Kumel (Daughters of Darkness), Anne Rice (Interview with a Vampire), Angela Carter
    (“The Lady of the House of Love”), Suzy McKee Charnas (The Vampire Tapestry), Nancy Collins (Sunglasses After Dark), Joel
    Schumacher (The Lost Boys), Joss Whedon (Buffy the Vampire Slayer), Elizabeth Kostova (The Historian)

    Adores: 3
    • 2010 February 2
      sarajean80 permalink

      I find something very odd about Dark Shadows being used in an educational setting.

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 February 2

        Ah, Dark Shadows. I used to rush home from school to watch it. Barnabas, Angelique, Julia and Quentin. Before that, it was the original Batman series. And I loved Zorro. And the Lone Ranger. Hmmm.

        *makes mental note to get husband a black cape and mask (already have the horse)*

        Adores: 3
    • 2010 February 2
      Traveler permalink

      I would definetely take that course (although “The Historian” is quite an awful novel. When it was published in Spain, I reviewed it for the magazine where I write, and it is nearly the only thing I have unashamedly bashed in all the time I’ve been writing there).

      My last year of college, I got an Erasmus scolarship and went to study to Aarhus University, on Denmark. The summer before going there, I checked what courses had been offered the previous semester, and there was one about Cyberpunk. The year I was there I didn’t found any course so peculiar, although I took a seminar about “The concept of variation in music and the idea of ‘dream’ on René Descartes philosophy, analized in relation to Jorge Luis Borges’ story ‘The Circular Ruins’” (and it was a wonderful seminar, one of the most entertaining courses I’ve ever taken).

      Adores: 0
      • 2010 February 2
        Lola permalink

        *embarrassed because I like The Historian, even knowing it gets bashed*
        I’ll get me coat.

        Adores: 0
        • 2010 February 2
          Traveler permalink

          Well, I’ll admit that my bashing was partly due to the awful translation of the novel into Spanish. Some paragraphs didn’t even make sense because of it. For instance, when one of the main characters is searching something in the office of a professor and notices some papers that seem to be letters, “letters” had been translated as “letras” (which is Spanish means A, B, C, etc.), instead of “cartas”, as should have been. Facepalm inducing translation at its finest.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 2
          Lola permalink

          Traveler, the best translation I’ve ever read was Lucia (?) Graves’s English version of Carlos Ruiz Zafon’s Shadow of the Wind. If I hadn’t known it was originally in Spanish I would have thought it was composed in English. That said, the mistakes you cite are so basic that they almost sound like someone ran it through Google translator. I don’t really speak Spanish (my neighborhood is about 80% hispanophone) but have sort of been picking it up by osmosis, and still don’t think I’d make a mistake that basic.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 2
          Traveler permalink

          More than a piece of Google Translator, it looked as if it had been translated as fast as possible, with the translator not even reading the finished sentences to see if they made any kind of sense.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 February 2
          Lola permalink

          That’s insulting to both the author and reader. Clearly the publisher didn’t care.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 February 2
          Catherine permalink

          I just reread the Historian. Don’t feel bad.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 2
          Traveler permalink

          To be fair, it was a pre-published copy, so maybe some of the more glaring mistakes were ironed out on the final print. But it is evident that the translator was just there for the fast paycheck (and most definitely the publisher as well. The sales of “The DaVinci Code” were starting to wear off and they wanted something out fast to take its place on top of the list of bestsellers. Which in fact “The Historian” did for several months. I know well, I prepare those lists for my magazine…)

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 February 2
          Lola permalink

          Thanks, Catherine.

          *puts coat back on hanger*

          People either quite enjoy it or think it’s crap. I haven’t found anyone on middle ground, so far.

          Traveler, you are being more than kind in not making me feel bad about my taste. As well, your job sounds interesting.

          Adores: 1
    • 2010 February 2

      I want to take the class where all you do is watch Buffy.

      My school has a degree program in like, Golf Management. AN ENTIRE DEGREE IN GOLF. So don’t worry.

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 February 2

        Stephanie — Your school’s attempt to organize a Buffy Studies Department/degree track was interrupted by the vampire rights protests last year. As far as I know they continue to offer single courses, but some excellent scholars they had lined up jumped ship and went to Claremont instead. Sorry.

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 2

          GRRRR. You crush all my Arizona related dreams, Graham.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 2

          You should have listened to the voices in your head telling you to apply to another school.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 2
          Traveler permalink

          There is a joke about Chris Claremont and a seminar of mutant studies right there, but the protests of my headache are preventing me from making it.

          Adores: 1
      • 2010 February 3
        InsideJoke permalink

        My school offered a seminar on Buffy. Of course, I went to film/television school, so it wasn’t totally unrelated to our (not.remotely.marketable) studies.

        Adores: 0
  17. 2010 February 2
    christina permalink

    I’ve been playing the Castlevania series ever since the NES brought them state side in the mid-eighties. Does this qualify me for job #2? I don’t have any papers but I do have 100% completion and a +eleventy broad sword.

    Adores: 8
    • 2010 February 2
      TacoMagic permalink

      If that is qualification, then I can boast the same credentials.

      With the added bonus that my ringtone is currently the MiniBosses rendition of the Castlevania theme.

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 February 2
        mudslicker permalink

        My ringtone is currently the theme song from True Blood.

        Seriously and no shit.

        Adores: 3
        • 2010 February 2

          For my Mudslinger
          http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A7r5uFc_SEw&feature=related

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 February 2
          mudslicker permalink

          Awesome HHNF; but that’s not helping because now I’m jonesing for my peeps from Bon Temps y’all….

          …i wanna do bad things to you….

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 February 2
          mudslicker permalink

          And it’s not helping that I’ve played it 4 times already.

          It’s official: I. Am. Corrupted.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 2

          I seem to have that affect on people.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 2

          Indeed.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 3

          But some people *not naming names* seem to be cured after about two weeks.
          *ahem*

          Adores: 0
  18. 2010 February 2
    Ed Snyder permalink

    I’m pretty sure that Heinz Doofenshmirtz posted the first ad.

    Adores: 10
    • 2010 February 2

      Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated FTW!!!
      Where’s Perry the platypus when you need him?

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 February 2
        Ed Snyder permalink

        Seriously, read the ad again while imagining his voice. It makes it so much better.

        Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 2

          My imagination also inserted some strange off-topic ramblings in his voice. Similar to my own. He’s probably the best cartoon villain ever.

          Adores: 1
    • 2010 February 2
      Windrose permalink

      First Attempt; In Soviet Russia, Vampire Gong Player Haunts You! Er, Haunted Gong Bangs Vampires! Uhm, Gong Bangs You? sigh.

      Adores: 7
      • 2010 February 2
        TacoMagic permalink

        Gong Bangs You

        I’d go with that one, seems a winner.

        Adores: 7
        • 2010 February 2
          mudslicker permalink

          In Soviet Russia, T. Rex bangs gong.

          Adores: 2
  19. 2010 February 2
    Windrose permalink

    *crawls out of near-death bed with hole punch* TacoMagic etc, here’s your elebentieth punch. Congrats.

    Adores: 4
    • 2010 February 2
      TacoMagic permalink

      Thanks WR. Now go back to bed and concentrate on recovering from your plague.

      Adores: 5
      • 2010 February 2
        InsideJoke permalink

        Or, if you don’t recover, try to avoid coming back to steal rogaine and take advantage of sleeping people.

        Adores: 10
        • 2010 February 2

          You say that as if it would be a new thing for him.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 2
          Windrose permalink

          Aw, man! Then I ain’t going!

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 2
          Lola permalink

          Good idea, Windrose! Don’t ever go into the light!

          Adores: 1
  20. 2010 February 2
    Emesis permalink

    So there are other people living in the house with this syphighostaphobe? Why doesn’t he (I don’t know why I am assuming it is a male) think maybe one of them has syphlis and pees in the night?

    Maybe it’s all a complicated plot by his roommate/s, but what kind of evil genius wastes his talent in tormenting his idiot roommate?

    I mean, it’s got to take a lot of planning and effort to subtly steer casual conversation such that you can discover your roommate’s greatest fear: A pre-pubescent, kleptomaniac, ghostly pervert with syphilis.

    And then, to take time off work to sneak back into the house just to move a bottle of Rogaine?

    I think he screwed up on part of the plan, though. Instead of the molestation-during-sleep conclusion, his roommate was actually supposed to start thinking, “But where will the rogaine end up next?” Still, not bad for an amateur evil genius.

    Adores: 8
    • 2010 February 2
      Lola permalink

      Emesis: why do evil geniuses do anything? Because they can. So it’s entirely possible that someone is torturing their roommate. Someone this clearly credulous would seem like pretty tasty bait.

      Adores: 4
    • 2010 February 2
      mudslicker permalink

      Emesis, I think your avatar needs a little Rogaine. Hehe.

      Adores: 3
      • 2010 February 2
        emesis permalink

        @mud
        You like me… you think I’m sexy… you wanna kiss me…

        Actually, I hoped that if I had a naked avatar, someone would sexually harass me.

        No luck. :(

        Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 2
          Bacontini permalink

          Well, Bacontini can help you with that you dirty, nude, sexy person. Looking at your nudity make Bacontini mad with amorous delight! He must have you. Kiss Bacontini, kiss him before da madness wears off!

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 2
          emesis permalink

          tee hee!

          *covers self with lettuce leaf, snout blushing a fetching shade of pink*

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 2
          Lola permalink

          Emesis, maybe if they knew what you were it would help? I see rodential front teeth, but cannot make definite conclusions. Perhaps a photo that showed you to better advantage might bring the attention you desire?

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 2
          Bacontini permalink

          My dearest is a naked mole rat of course!

          Those lovely teeth, that nakedness… Bacontini is overcome!

          Adores: 2
    • 2010 February 2

      Emesis, here at the firehouse, we take great pride in slowly trying to make people think they are crazy. It really is an art form. This sounds like something we would do. Like the time we put nitroglycerine paste on a Probie while he was sleeping and when he went hypotensive, we put him in a dress complete with frilly undergarments. Things like that will make a person really question their own sanity.

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 February 2
        Lola permalink

        I really, really hope you properly revived him after … or did you leave his corpse to be found in drag?
        Tax dollars at work! Woo-hoo!

        Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 2

          It wears off pretty quick. He was just hypotensive enough to pass out, not to need to be revived or anything. He slept through a call, so when we got back from working our asses off at about 3 a.m. we delivered a fitting punishment. I will get that forum going today. What was it supposed to be about again?

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 February 2

          Most horrifying things/stories you’ve observed as a firefighter.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 2
          Lola permalink

          Horrifying/amusing anaecdotes also OK.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 2

          He started it! Check the forum!

          Adores: 1
  21. 2010 February 2
    Savannah permalink

    I think this is the first time I’ve read about a job posting here and thought “I really want this job.” Now I get three in one post! (Not sure I’m qualified, but a few minutes with my trusty laptop and printer should fix that…)

    However, there’s one thing bothering me about #3 (well, besides the fact that a 12 year old somehow died of syphilis and would want to molest the living, but those have already been covered). If everyone who lives there is gone during the day, why does that prevent them from being the “ghost” at night?

    Adores: 4
  22. 2010 February 2
    Bianchi Sound permalink

    I can’t believe it. My father was the First High Priest of the Royal and Mystical Gong Ceremony of the Bomonomagagalanamaranafalobodobo, as was his father before him, and his father before him, and back a hundred generations. I have searched the world over to find a part time position (mostly weekends) where I could reclaim my birthright. At last. At last. Thank you craigslist!

    Adores: 18
    • 2010 February 2
      mudslicker permalink

      Oooh..to be in the presence of royalty.

      Can I rub your loin cloth?

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 February 2

        Don’t rub it, mudslicker! It’s Not. A. Loin!

        Adores: 20
        • 2010 February 2
          mudslicker permalink

          Good point HHNF. I always suspected that little devil Bianchi to be a sheep in Not. A Lion’s clothing.

          Adores: 3
    • 2010 February 2
      sarajean80 permalink

      *hands Bianchi gong-banging-stick and five gallon drum of oil*

      Adores: 1
      • 2010 February 2
        sweetbiscuit21 permalink

        I’m blaming GrahamT and Tacomagic for this, but I just read sarajean’s post as
        “gang-banging-stick”.

        My mind was never that dirty before getting to know you guys…….really, I swear.

        Adores: 7
        • 2010 February 2

          Well I wasn’t going to admit it, so thanks for coming out of the gutter for me!

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 February 2

          And a drum of oil would make more sense with a gang-banging stick. Quit whispering about me like that.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 February 2
          sarajean80 permalink

          *blushes*
          Actually, I accidentally wrote it that way to begin with but caught the spelling error before posting it.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 2

          Wasn’t it YOU who just earlier said something about Freudian slips showing? You don’t have a slip, you have the whole French maid ensamble.

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 February 2
          sarajean80 permalink

          I know. All these crinolines are beginning to chafe.

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 February 2

          You’re not supposed to wear it very long. *wink wink, nudge nudge*

          Adores: 2
    • 2010 February 2
      tigprincess permalink

      Hey – I’ve now found more skills to quote on my c.v. I usually rely on underwater basketweaving (3rd Class) but now I can add heridetary gong banging and trainee vampire slaying as well. Sorted!

      Adores: 3
    • 2010 February 2

      O.M.G…I have found my tear-inducing laugh for the day.

      Thank you, oh High Priest!

      Adores: 2
  23. 2010 February 2
    Windrose permalink

    Huh? *reads banner ads again* How do gongs, vampires, and ghosts generate ads for coffee and tea?

    Adores: 3
    • 2010 February 2

      Well like I said yesterday, I love Gaelic in my coffee. Keeps the vampires away.
      Plus, many of us need calming tea to deal with Twlighters, and coffee to stay up for True Blood. *sounds like a Gangland ripoff to me, but maybe it’s just my ‘hood influencing me*

      Adores: 1
    • 2010 February 2
      Lola permalink

      I saw that too. The rooibus might be explained because it’s RED bush tea, and possibly bloodlike? Other than that, I got nothin.’

      Adores: 1
    • 2010 February 2
      SilvaNoir permalink

      Yup, I’m getting just one ad:
      Coffee Canister Set
      White with copper lid, black and copper, hammered copper. Airtight.

      Obviously what you’re meant to catch the ghost in.

      Adores: 8
  24. 2010 February 2
    InsideJoke permalink

    I’d apply for one of the first two, but they want serious inquiries only, and I can hardly contain my excitement enough to be serious while ringing gongs or hunting vampires. Luckily, the third poster seems a bit less stringent.

    Adores: 2
  25. 2010 February 2
    Windrose permalink

    For Dev, tigprincess, and all other David Tennant fans: see more Lol Celebs

    Adores: 0
    • 2010 February 2

      I love Roflrazzi!

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 February 2
        TacoMagic permalink

        One of my daily haunts too.

        Adores: 0
    • 2010 February 2
      tigprincess permalink

      Thanks! Mmmmm *goes to make camomile tea and calms down with security blanket*

      Adores: 1
    • 2010 February 2
      develish1 permalink

      Don’t forget Miss Nomer, she drools even more than I do.

      *wonders if she should admit she already has that site, plus several others bookmarked*

      Adores: 1
      • 2010 February 2
        Windrose permalink

        LOL Thanks, Dev, I knew I was forgetting someone.

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 2
          Miss Nomer permalink

          Actually, I’ve never seen that one before!
          Mmmmm….
          But NOW it’s bookmarked. Don’t mind me, I’ll just be over here, looking at the pretty pretty pictures.

          On a related note, my Doctor Who 2009 Specials came today. Hooray! I missed seeing the End of Time. No spoilers!

          Adores: 1
  26. 2010 February 2
    Windrose permalink

    I have to share with you, since Chthulhu started reading and commenting here, he refers to this as “Why-Sac.” That makes us all YSaCers. LOL.

    Adores: 1
    • 2010 February 2

      There are so many immature jokes I could make here. It’s almost too much.

      Adores: 1
    • 2010 February 2
      Lola permalink

      My brain pronounces it “YaSac.”

      Adores: 0
      • 2010 February 3
        Dan permalink

        I don’t know if we’re authoritative or not, but drmk and I pronounce the individual letters: “why-ess-aye-see”

        Adores: 0
    • 2010 February 2

      Actually, “wye-sak” and “wiseacres.” :-)

      Adores: 3
    • 2010 February 3
      ZOMG PENGUINS! permalink

      I say it why sack too, but then I think of ODDSAC, the Animal Collective visual album, which makes me think of marshmallows grotesquely consuming families of four at a campfire, which makes me think of sad vampires sitting in canoes.

      Adores: 1
    • 2010 February 3
      Maureen permalink

      I say it why-sac as well. And my beloved is finally starting not to need the tag explanation “I mean You Suck at Craigslist”, which is still a step up from having to begin with “this blog I read…” and go from there.

      I have also explained many of the in-jokes enough that she recognizes them.

      Adores: 1
      • 2010 February 3
        Lola permalink

        Bring her on! So far drmk and dan, Windrose and Chthulhu are our only couples. If she gets the jokes, it sounds like we’re right up her street (and, hopefully, she is not barricading the door against us).

        Adores: 0
        • 2010 February 3
          InsideJoke permalink

          For me, it’s always been why-sack, and drmk, for some reason, has always been “Dr. Mike.” Yes, I know she’s a girl, but maybe she’s a girl-doctor named Mike?

          Adores: 0
  27. 2010 February 2
    hammbone permalink

    a loud grunting from the bathroom, followed by an “ouch it burns”…i think it’s clear, sir, that this is merely the result of one of your tenants consuming too many jalapeno poppers from tgi friday’s…

    …or it’s a diseased man-boy ghost. either way. (grunt)

    Adores: 8
    • 2010 February 2
      TacoMagic permalink

      “When I think of you I pour acid on my naughty bits.”

      Adores: 7
      • 2010 February 2
        sarajean80 permalink

        I foresee a line of Valentine’s Day cards in your future, TM.

        Adores: 6
        • 2010 February 2

          The new Hallmark Break-Up card. I’d buy.

          Adores: 5
      • 2010 February 2
        Hugh Jim Bissel permalink

        “When I think about you I scorch myself?”

        Adores: 4
        • 2010 February 2
          Windrose permalink

          Hugh, plus elebenty for you! 8) (And why do I want to say your handle as Huge instead of Hugh? I’ll go put myself in time-out for that one.)

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 3
          Hugh Jim Bissel permalink

          @Windrose
          You’re not that far off: Say my “name” fast, out loud. :)

          Adores: 1
  28. 2010 February 2
    Windrose permalink

    Hey, I just updated a few things in the forums, under the Don’t Suck thread. That is a lot of work. 8) But fun. I’ll be back later to add some more.

    Adores: 1
  29. 2010 February 2

    Ughhh I’m so late to the show. You guys get up too early for me. :(

    Adores: 2
  30. 2010 February 2
    Miss Nomer permalink

    Favorite new phrase: Spontaneously percuss. What an image!

    Adores: 4
  31. 2010 February 2

    Ah, vampires…

    Sure, it’s easy to mark it up to one of the more ‘well known’ forms of vampirism…but what if the original poster was fretting about a psychic vampire?

    I know there’s plenty of strange going on, but what’s one more twist?

    Adores: 1
    • 2010 February 2

      When I used to work overnight, I would listen to Coast to Coast with Art Bell and George Noory. People calling in claiming to be psychic vampires or having been attacked by psychic vampires was not an unusual occurance.

      Adores: 1
      • 2010 February 2
        emesis permalink

        I liked that show, too! I can never remember which one was Space Ghost, though.

        Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 2

          ROFL emesis.

          Adores: 0
      • 2010 February 2
        Lola permalink

        My father occasionally has insomnia, during which he listens to Art Bell. He doesn’t believe a bit of it but figures if he has to be awake, he might as well be entertained. They’re nearly all tinfoil-hat types, as far as I’ve observed. I find them entertaining as well, but can listen only from time to time before I am exclaiming “You have GOT to be kidding me!” etc. and have to go off and do something else.

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 2

          What blows me away is that the hosts can sound so sympathetic to everyone, even if the calls directly contradict each other. They must be able to compartmentalize the hell out of the crap they hear.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 2
          Lola permalink

          I’ve noticed that. I have wondered if cognitive dissonance ever comes into it.

          Me? I’m all “Lizard people?!? Are you on f’n’ crack?!?” It takes a touch that I don’t seem to have. The only way I can smile and nod and say “Mmm hmmm” to something is if I’m not actually listening.

          Adores: 1
    • 2010 February 2
      Quickcomeback permalink

      When I worked at a bookstore there was a book that addressed how to protect yourself from psychic vampires. The ritual involved showers and posting notes expressing your desire to be free of their influence. My co-workers and I used to put up post-its that said “Vampires go away!” We thought it prudent to be safe. We did the showering before we came to work though.

      Adores: 4
  32. 2010 February 2
    Catherine permalink

    #1 may be the most creative attempt to skirt EEOC rules I have ever seen.

    Adores: 1
  33. 2010 February 2
    FireManSteve-O permalink

    I am having a little trouble discerning the Marvin Gaye refrence in the title. That may be because I am trying to see something that isn’t there. Any ideas?

    Adores: 1
    • 2010 February 2
      Windrose permalink

      I think the actual reference is to T-Rex’s song, “Bang a Gong (Get it On) as seen here: http://www.stlyrics.com/lyrics/jarhead/bangagonggetiton.htm

      Apparently Duran Duran covered it at some time. Luckily, I’ve never heard that version.

      Adores: 1
      • 2010 February 2

        Power Station, not Duran Duran. [/corey]

        Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 2
          Windrose permalink

          Got it. The web page said Duran Duran then clarified. I didn’t read far enough down that page. I was afraid.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 February 3
          christina permalink

          [corey] Blondie also has a live cover on “Blonde and Beyond.” [/corey]

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 4
          Irregular Fractal permalink

          Do not trifle with the Llama-nun’s knowledge of 80s music.

          Adores: 0
    • 2010 February 2

      T-Rex, not Marvin Gaye.

      Adores: 1
    • 2010 February 3

      Thanks for the clarification. I, too, was racking my brain cells to figure out the Marvin Gaye connection. I dug out my old Motown stuff and my turntable (ha!) and had scratchy fun trying to figure it out.

      Ah, the lengths to which we will go to decipher the wisdom and knowledge the llamanun has at her fingertips. Perhaps that is her plan . . . to push us to extraordinary heights of awareness, and then beyond.

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 February 3
        Windrose permalink

        We could rule the world, Archie! But that’s it for me. G’night!

        Adores: 1

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