YSaC, Vol. 576: Ldyia, oh Lidya, say have you met Liyda?

2010 February 13

I Tattoo for stuff


I’m a tattoo artiest with 16yrs experence

[really bad Myspace link]

and are willing to tattoo for TV
motor cycle, platinum, gold, silver or dimonds.
grandma dont where that old broken stuff any more so hook it up and i’ll hook you up

or what ever we can barder

must be over 18

call or text nick ###-###-####

Now look. We’ve already warned you folks about the old tattoo artist that can’t spell gag. It’s a cliche. It’s hackneyed. It’s been done.

So let’s move on to the part where you’re expected to rob your grandmother so you can trade her old broken jewelry for a tattoo from a man who can’t spell “barter.” Or “diamonds.”

No, wait, we’re not doing that joke today. Instead, we’re wondering about the scruples of a man who wants you to trade him stolen goods for a tattoo, but still insists that you be over 18. So you can get a tattoo from a man who can’t spell “motorcycle.” Or “artist.”

Whoops.

Thanks for the link, Megan!

69 Responses leave one →
  1. 2010 February 13
    Meredith permalink

    Thanks bunches. That song hasn’t crossed my mind in YEARS, but now it’ll be stuck there for the next week.

    “On her back is the Battle of Waterloo.
    Beside it the wreck of the Hesperus, too.
    And proudly above waves the Red, White, and Blue,
    You can learn a lot from Lydia.”

    Adores: 7
  2. 2010 February 13
    Windrose permalink

    I believe when you barder something, you wrap it in bacon before roasting. Too tired to go check on it. But he apparently wants all the stolen goods wrapped in bacon. Interesting way to make a living.

    Adores: 2
    • 2010 February 13
      Meredith permalink

      Or he will wrap your tattoo in bacon….mmmm….delicious skin defacing.

      Adores: 1
      • 2010 February 13
        sarajean80 permalink

        Didn’t someone have a link up yesterday for a bacon bra? SOunds like this guy wants the matching jock strap.
        You know, to wrap his jewels in.

        Adores: 8
        • 2010 February 13

          eeewwwww, a mental image I did not need, thanks sarajean.

          Anyone got any of that miracle mind bleach handy?

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 February 13
          Meredith permalink

          This would lead to “Something about Mary”-style disgusting hijinks. I hope they don’t use that “dogs eye view” film technique. Ick.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 February 14
          Steven permalink

          Most delicious titties ever!!!

          Adores: 0
      • 2010 February 13
        emesis permalink

        I actually always wanted a tattoo of sizzling bacon on my lower back.

        Adores: 0
    • 2010 February 13

      It could also be that he has a steed that needs armoring before he goes to his next tourney.

      “Ariont theee, kanve!”

      Adores: 2
  3. 2010 February 13
    Meredith permalink

    It looks like it’s not just tattoo “artiest”s that have trouble with the speeling.

    Just thought I’d google “dimonds” and see what came up. Found a profile on a recruiting site. This young woman is apparently a Visual Communications-Graphic Designer.

    Oh, no, sorry…that’s “Graphic Desinger”.

    She did a “Dimonds” ad. I’m sold..somebody hire this gal!

    http://www.hirebreed.com/view_profile.php?uin=143501898

    Adores: 2
    • 2010 February 13

      My mother, who is tone deaf, could have used a desinger from time to time when I was growing up…

      A graphic desinger could have drawn up a reminder for her.

      Adores: 5
    • 2010 February 13
      sarajean80 permalink

      It sounds like something a small child would say;
      “I’m the artiest person in my class! I drew a pony today!”
      *shows drawing resembling an ameoba with horns.*

      Adores: 16
      • 2010 February 13

        Man, there’s nothing worse than a horny amoeba.

        Adores: 4
        • 2010 February 13
          CapnMac permalink

          Horny paramecium? Microdominance?

          Adores: 2
    • 2010 February 13

      There’s a whole section of Anchorage, AK known as Dimond. Dimond High School, Dimond Mall, Dimond Medical Center. Drove me crazy when I lived there.

      Adores: 4
      • 2010 February 14
        Lurker From the North permalink

        Those are all named after Anthony J Dimond, a territorial delegate to the U.S. Congress.

        And for a long time I thought that was how you spelled diamond. I grew up in Anchorage.

        Adores: 4
    • 2010 February 13
      Lola permalink

      I read “Dimonds” as either people with that surname (have met some, don’t know why he would trade work for them; doesn’t that consitute slavery?) or some kind of item sold on home shopping channels in the wee hours, modeled by someone who has man-hands and a bad gel nail-tip “frensh” (as one of my neighborhood salons advertises it) manicure. If it’s the latter, then people must be lowering their standards to accept crap like that as payment. There’s a reason you never heard of “Dimond Jim” Brady, “Diamonique Jim” Brady or “Moissanite Jim” Brady.

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 February 13
        christina permalink

        I shall desing a song about dimonds as barder for a tattoo from a real artiest:
        A kiss on the hand may be quite French Prudential, but dimonds are a girl’s best friend.
        A kiss may be grand, if it’s from Not.a.Lionel-in a taco hat…or a cocktail dressed in bacon fat.
        Grandma’s too old to wear that gold, and we all lose our (FEMAIL TRAIT34) in the end.
        But for sale or for free DA shell is still minty…
        Dimonds are a girl’s best friend!

        Adores: 24
        • 2010 February 13
          FireManSteve-O permalink

          You are really gunning for the don’t suck box with this one Christina.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 13
          christina permalink

          Thanks Steve!

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 February 14
          ??? permalink

          I want to be you when I grow up.

          Adores: 2
  4. 2010 February 13

    Tattoo for TV? Hasn’t that been done?

    Ya know if the guy wants to trade a tattoo for Richard Dimonds…

    Maybe he just had a cold when he type the ad.

    Adores: 0
    • 2010 February 13
      Hugh Jim Bissel permalink

      (quoth the HamCan) Tattoo for TV? Hasn’t that been done? (/Quoth the HamCan)

      It has been done: http://tlc.discovery.com/tv/la-ink/la-ink.html

      in a number of different forms: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ze_plane!_Ze_plane!

      Adores: 0
    • 2010 February 14
      Hartster permalink

      Yes, but not for the TV I have. It’s one of them console TVs that weights eight gazillion pounds – you know, the one that has the two dials, the upper one for channels 2 through 13, the bottom one for the higher channels.

      I’ll even throw in a aerial rug so the poster can get reception for the higher channels. I think I’ll get a tattoo with a heart and the word “grandma” in a ribbon over the heart – ’cause, you know, she _did_ pay for the inkage and I wanna show my appreciation.

      Adores: 3
  5. 2010 February 13

    If my grandmother had any kind of fancy jewelry, she would wear the crap out of it, regardless of how broken it was.

    Adores: 2
    • 2010 February 13
      Meredith permalink

      Yeah, I kind of thought the rule of grandmas was, “The more broken, the better to wear or give as gifts”.

      Adores: 3
      • 2010 February 13
        sarajean80 permalink

        I helped my Mom go through Gramma’s stuff after she died, there was boxes and boxes of the most hideous ’60s & ’70s era crap you could imagine. (And each item was wrapped in a tissue, then a plastic bag, then placed in a box with other items similarly wrapped and the the box was wrapped with paper and a few layers of plastic. Gramma had issues.)The broken stuff got tossed or ended up in Mom’s craft bin, the stuff that could still be worn was given to my sister’s two girls to play dress up with. They love the stuff.

        Adores: 4
        • 2010 February 13
          SilvaNoir permalink

          I inherited some jewelry from my grandmother. Most of it was RUSTY. And in the shape of giant flowers.

          Adores: 0
      • 2010 February 13
        Lola permalink

        Mine would never have given us anything broken, but whatever you got, it’s a good bet you wouldn’t be caught dead in it. (Sounds a lot like the stuff Sarajean mentions.)

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 13
          sarajean80 permalink

          If it’s big, gaudy, and looks like what a tranvestite would wear, than yes. That’s the stuff.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 February 13
          Lola permalink

          Sarajean, for the most part, even the trannies I met would have rejected that stuff! Fug-a-lee!

          Adores: 0
  6. 2010 February 13
    Laurelhach permalink

    I read “grandma dont where that old broken stuff” as “Grandma don’t! Where is that old broken stuff?”

    But overall, I think this post is actually a coded prophecy about Ragnarok. If you substitute the word ‘tattoo’ for ‘destroy the Fire Giants’, and ”TV, motor cycle, platinum, gold, silver, or dimonds’ for ‘eternal reign in Valhalla’, then the entire piece makes sense. And I’m pretty sure your grandma is really Loki.

    Adores: 12
    • 2010 February 13
      emesis permalink

      I think I just saw her. Srsly, just drove past an old woman with a vanity plate that said “Loki”.

      Adores: 1
      • 2010 February 13
        Lola permalink

        That’s either cool or scary, depending on whether or not she’s your grandma …

        Adores: 0
      • 2010 February 13
        CapnMac permalink

        Will guess there was not a quivver of mistletoe in that ride.

        Adores: 1
  7. 2010 February 13
    lost_compass permalink

    When I first saw this ad’s headline, I read it as iTattoo and thought for a split second “will Steve Jobs stop nowhere in his quest for world dominion?”

    An iTattoo might rock, though. Mini-needle printer and ink cartridge; downloadable, customizable designs; Velcro to strap it to the small of your back, or ankle. Before-and-after video app to impress your friends. You listening, Steve?

    Adores: 11
    • 2010 February 13
      sarajean80 permalink

      If you could download different apps that would be … interesting. It would lead to a higher number of butt-dials, though.

      And the term “playing with yourself” would no longer have the same social stigma.

      Adores: 3
    • 2010 February 13
      Lola permalink

      This is genius. I don’t have an iPhone or a wish for tatts, but I want this.

      Adores: 0
    • 2010 February 13
      Windrose permalink

      I think this should be an app for the iPad. The iPad can soak up the blood and the excess ink, right? Perfect!

      Adores: 6
      • 2010 February 13
        sarajean80 permalink

        And if you have a software problem, you can download an iPatch.

        Adores: 19
        • 2010 February 13
          lost_compass permalink

          That only works for pirated software.

          Adores: 15
  8. 2010 February 13
    jackie31337 permalink

    Here’s an eBay tip from the pros: search for common misspellings of the item you’re looking for. You can often get an excellent deal on a “dimond” ring that escaped the search results of people who can actually spell.

    I haven’t consulted the eBay pros on this particular matter, but I’m pretty sure they would also recommend staying away from tattoo artists with both impaired spelling and ethics.

    Adores: 4
  9. 2010 February 13
    Lola permalink

    Anyone else a little worried about the fact that it starts with “I” and then says “are willing” … is he referring there in the plural to himself and the voices?

    Adores: 1
    • 2010 February 13
      Lara permalink

      yes, he is branching out to include all the voices in his work. If he listens to multiple voices during the course of your tattoo you could end up with a unicorn being stabbed by a demon who is yelling I love Mom and wearing your children’s names on it’s buttocks.

      Adores: 3
      • 2010 February 13
        Windrose permalink

        Suddenly, I realize there could be a tattoo out there for me! Awesome.

        Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 13

          And here I figured you would have a bird tattoo of some kind ๐Ÿ˜‰

          Adores: 0
    • 2010 February 13

      He has to include all the voices, because if he leaves anyone out they get upset and you don’t want to get the voices upset because it’s really bad if that happens and OH MY GOD MAKE THE LAMBS STOP SCREAMING

      Adores: 8
  10. 2010 February 13
    Lara permalink

    I really want a tattoo from a guy that is bartering instead of just having prices. I am 99% sure this guy works out of his Grandma’s basement and steals her jewelry for heroin money.

    Adores: 0
    • 2010 February 13
      Lola permalink

      And goes with her when she cashes her Social Security checks so that he can make her give him most of it. Bet on it.

      Adores: 0
  11. 2010 February 13

    “[really bad Myspace link]”

    You say that as if there were such a thing as a good (or even not so bad) Myspace link.

    Adores: 4
  12. 2010 February 13
    FireManSteve-O permalink

    This reminds me of a song….. “Lydia in the sky with dimonds”

    Adores: 2
  13. 2010 February 13

    This is a preemptive apology for my coming apology and super-depresso rant.
    As you may/may not have noticed, I have been leaving you in peace. And when I do come around, I have been pessimistic, grouchy, and downright Not. Funny. Much to your dismay, I have not left you. I still love you guys.
    They say bad things come in threes, and I’m working on five within a 13-day period. I hate afflict you all with harsh reality in the midst of your awesomeness, but sometimes coming to a website full of hilarious, compassionate strangers and detaching myself from the surrounding malarkey is the only thing keeping me from having a conniption. Hopefully you will welcome me back when I come in with my tail tucked, whimpering, covered in the crap that I have unintentionally rolled in.
    /psychoemorant.

    Adores: 0
    • 2010 February 13

      HHNF, I’m sorry to hear that things are rough for you right now. When you ARE in the mood for some hilarious, compassionate strangers, you know where to find us … and if you need anything from us, please let us know — you know where the forums are, if you’d rather it wasn’t on the front page.

      Adores: 3
      • 2010 February 13

        Whoops, forgot about forums. Thank you, Merciful Llamanun.
        I’m off to put on too much eyeliner and straighten my hair over my eye.

        Adores: 2
    • 2010 February 13

      I hope things get better for you soon.

      Adores: 1
  14. 2010 February 13
    Lola permalink

    HHNF, I had noticed you were not about much. Life is like that. I hope that once you have sifted through your repeated servings of fresh hell – and that time should come, even if not as soon as you’d like – that you return in Original Strength HHNF, because it’s the one we’ve come to know and love.

    Adores: 1
  15. 2010 February 13
    JAMen permalink

    He isn’t an artist…he is artiEST. As in, “Give it up for the artiEST tattoo artist in the house.” Webster hooked me up here. The artiest is the one who has an “ostentatious or affected interest in or desire to imitate artists or artistic standards.” Could be.
    Or maybe…
    He isn’t and artIST at all! He is above mere arts. nick is an artEEST!! He only creates tattoos of obsolete knock-knock jokes.

    Adores: 2
  16. 2010 February 13

    I really need to start coming here before 7:30 pm (my time). Hee.

    So this guy thinks he’s the artiest, eh? I thought I was the artiest. I may have to challenge him to a duel. Or a deuel.

    Adores: 3
  17. 2010 February 14
    queensbee permalink

    thanks to harry ruby who i believe, wrote Lydia. she may have written him back. and whatever it is, i’m against it.

    Adores: 2
    • 2010 February 14
      Lara permalink

      Score! Multiple Grouchos in a row!

      Adores: 2
  18. 2010 February 14
    Steph permalink

    Now the damn’s song stuck in my head. >_<

    Adores: 0
  19. 2010 February 14
    screamer permalink

    “Grandma don’t where that old broken stuff….” I don’t know wear(!) you are stupid, but I wouldn’t come near you for a tattoo.

    Adores: 0
  20. 2010 February 15
    mudslicker permalink

    I just can’t get past the fact that I find it high-larious that a guy who does tattoos is named Nick.

    Adores: 0
  21. 2010 February 15

    This, folks, is how “Chi-tonw” happened.

    Adores: 0

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