YSaC, Vol. 578: Well, exCUUUUSE me!

2010 February 15

Sarcasm Specialist


Teach, train and advise customers in the fine art of sarcasm. Sarcasm can be taught!!!! I can teach anyone the finer details of being fluent in sarcasm…..I offer a money back guarantee.

Riiiight.

I’m absolutely certain this is a good idea. It’s definitely something I would consider hiring you for. You are definitely a brilliant businessperson. I think you’re a total idiot.

Wait… that last one wasn’t sarcastic. Oh, well, at least I’m certain the money back guarantee is good.

Thanks for the link, Virginia!

94 Responses leave one →
  1. 2010 February 15
    Windrose permalink

    So this is what has been missing in my life! I can’t wait to contact this person and get with the program! Maybe we can get a group discount.

    Adores: 3
    • 2010 February 15
      mudslicker permalink

      I wonder if it’s supported by Rosetta Stone.

      Adores: 14
      • 2010 February 15
        Lara permalink

        I’m waiting for the Rosetta Stone program on Engrish.

        Adores: 2
  2. 2010 February 15

    We soooooo need lessons in snark around here!

    Adores: 3
  3. 2010 February 15
    sarajean80 permalink

    I have found my calling in life.

    Take THAT, guidance councelor Swartz!
    “Unproductive attitude” my freckled ass.

    Adores: 20
    • 2010 February 15

      Pics or the freckles didn’t happen ๐Ÿ˜‰

      Adores: 0
      • 2010 February 15
        sarajean80 permalink

        I’m quoting a reliable confidential source. ๐Ÿ˜‰ Well, semi-reliable.
        (He also said they formed the outline of a gummy bear. It’s not like I’m exactly in a position to test that, short of hopping on the office copier.)

        Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 15
          Lola permalink

          *gets stepstool and takes up collection*
          What’ll it take for you to find out for sure?

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 15
          Windrose permalink

          Sarajean, I am pretty sure they offer that service on Craigslist. 8)

          Adores: 1
  4. 2010 February 15
    Yancy permalink

    And to think, I spent all that time in school learning stuff when I could’ve declared myself a teacher of sarcasm and started charging gullible people for my services.

    Adores: 2
  5. 2010 February 15
    mudslicker permalink

    He should have said:

    I offer a money back guarantee…yeah, RIGHT!

    Adores: 1
  6. 2010 February 15

    No snarkasm for me today, thanks. I’m leaving in just a few minutes to get all four wisdom teeth extracted.

    I’m sure that’s going to be a lot of fun.

    Adores: 18
    • 2010 February 15
      Lola permalink

      I had that done, Isaac. I hope you get a really nice prescription, and a lot of it. Best of luck.

      Adores: 0
    • 2010 February 15
      jackie31337 permalink

      Best wishes Isaac, and a bit of advice from personal experience: if they prescribe you good drugs, take them. I made the mistake of thinking I didn’t need the codeine after having all four of my wisdom teeth chiseled out of my jawbone. I was wrong. Drugs are good, m’kay?

      Adores: 2
    • 2010 February 15

      Ooohhh..OUCH!! Been there, done that…and then had to have THREE more teeth removed just recently.

      Drugs ARE muy bueno!! Take them, rinse and repeat.

      Oh and good luck, blah, blah..whatever…

      Adores: 2
    • 2010 February 15
      sarajean80 permalink

      I’ll jump on the “massive quantities of drugs” bandwagon as well. Having all four taken out at once will save from having them remove piecemeal, but that doesn’t make it hurt less now. And bits of your face will go numb, so if you’ve been shopping around for a facial piercing, now’s the time to go.
      Feel better soon!

      Adores: 1
      • 2010 February 15
        Lara permalink

        yea, I still have two to get out ๐Ÿ™ Wish I had insisted on all four at once.

        Adores: 0
    • 2010 February 15

      Ugh, don’t listen to these people. The drugs are horrible. Made me feel worse than the actual pain.

      Adores: 0
    • 2010 February 15
      arallyn permalink

      You have fun with that, Isaac. I had it done in 10th grade and to be honest, it wasn’t that bad. My mom wouldn’t even let me get the painkiller prescription filled because she wasn’t stupid…I didn’t need them and would have sold them.

      It did suck having to take an oral exam in French two days after, though. My cheeks were still chipmunk-looking, but my teacher hated me so I had to do it then or get a zero.

      Adores: 0
    • 2010 February 15

      You’re going to think I’m a nutcase….moreso than usual. My freind gave me a homeopathic ramedy called ‘Arnica Montana’ when i got my wisdom teeth removed. The only downfall is you can’t take it with food. I took a dose right before my surgery, and every fifteen minutes for an hour afterwards, and i had almost no swelling, and i was eating normally the next day. It has no ill effects, they taste like sugar, and you just pop them under your tongue til they dissolve. You can pick them up in the natural section of most stores under the Hylands or Boiron brand. it has also worked miracles for my daughter’s many bumps, bruises, and even huge injuries.

      Adores: 1
      • 2010 February 15
        mudslicker permalink

        Those were called Quaalude Lemon #714…in a day you’re nermal.

        Adores: 1
      • 2010 February 15

        Never would think you’re a nutcase, but Arnica Montana is apparently also called “leopard’s bane” or “wolf’s bane”. If it was “not.a.lion. bane”, I’d take it.

        Adores: 4
        • 2010 February 15
          Lara permalink

          It works the same as Ibuprofen. I would just take the Ibuprofen, it can upset your stomach but Arnica Montana can cause gastrointestinal bleeding if too much is taken internally. Its better when used topically.

          Adores: 0
    • 2010 February 15
      christina permalink

      Adding to the list of well-wishers and motherly advice:
      Sleep it off. Take what ever works for you, the prescription, Tylenol PM, NyQuil, etc… and sleep until the swelling goes down.
      Seriously though, I feel for you, good luck.

      Adores: 0
    • 2010 February 15

      Thanks for the big outpouring of sympathy, folks. I am back from the hospital, and I have four fewer teeth in my head. It is my intention to stay on the Percocet until it runs out.

      I will check in from time to time. Outpatient procedures are not enough to keep me from my YSaC!

      Adores: 1
      • 2010 February 15

        Did they let you keep the teeth? You could get them made into cufflinks or something.

        Adores: 0
        • 2010 February 15

          Unfortunately, I didn’t think to ask about that until after the extraction. They got thrown out.

          Adores: 1
      • 2010 February 15
        Lara permalink

        Glad you are done Isaac!

        Adores: 1
      • 2010 February 16
        CapnMac permalink

        ‘Cet both good and bad.

        Soup will be your friend and enemy.

        My best to you, let your lows be lifted and the highs increased.

        Stealing unabashedly from Spider Robinson, Shared misery is decreased and shared joy increased. Hermano, you only walk alone at your own choice.

        Adores: 0
  7. 2010 February 15

    Does this mean that when I check the multilingual box on forms I can put sarcasm as one of the languages in which I am fluent? I have just been putting Gibberish and 1337.

    Adores: 12
  8. 2010 February 15
    Lola permalink

    Ha! Whatever, buddy. I say we invite this guy to the next YSAC get-together and then make bets on how long it takes him to run for the door. ๐Ÿ˜€

    Adores: 5
    • 2010 February 15
      jackie31337 permalink

      Absolutely not sarcasm: we should totally have a YSaC get-together. It would be awesome, and much hilarity would ensue (either that, or we would just sit there and start awkwardly at each other’s shoes).

      Adores: 6
      • 2010 February 15
        Windrose permalink

        jackie, I started a thread in the forum on the possibility of doing a convention in Las Vegas in, oh, 2012 or so. But because to the errors I haven’t been able to post anything else there. I can’t correct the one post I did about the rooms being under $30 a night at Circus Circus. There are often special discount flights to Vegas, but I didn’t find any at this time.

        It was suggested once that we would all sit around in a room with our laptops, typing comments to each other. 8)

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 15
          sarajean80 permalink

          Mom and I got rooms at the Lady Luck once for around $12 a night, it’s not on the Strip but a little off Fremont Street. It smelled like cabbage.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 February 15
          christina permalink

          I’d be willing to help out with travel advice and meeting arrangements if you would like, seeing as I do this for a living.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 February 15
          Libbysgirl permalink

          I’m up for Vegas in 2012. Let’s make it December – maybe the 21rst. I have plans to be there anyway. I figure there are enough believers that I should be able to find somebody who will be gambling like there’s no tomorrow that I should be able to rake in some bucks. And, it would be a good chance to practice our sarcasm lessons.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 15
          Windrose permalink

          christina, excellent! Let’s go for summer, because I think more people can get away, especially if there are school-age children involved. Might have to go to Survey Monkey and see what most commentors are up for. And lurkers are invited too, but you will have special name tags with your handle under a flap. In case you don’t want us to recognize you.

          Adores: 0
      • 2010 February 15
        CapnMac permalink

        Even odds we’d have shoes of sufficient interest to at least invite comment (or insist upon commentary).

        Adores: 0
        • 2010 February 15
          Dan permalink

          The week before Christmas is not generally a good fit for either the Llamanun OR the Ostrimu. (although you folks are of course welcome to get together whenever you like)

          We’re generally much freer to travel in the summers.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 February 15
          Lola permalink

          I actually like my family enough/they seem willing to tolerate me enough that I try to see them during the year-end holidays.

          Summers are better here, as well.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 February 15
          christina permalink

          Summer is also when you find the $25-50 rates, though weekends could be higher. Admittedly it will be 115 degrees, but there’s not much of a reason to hang out outside during the day.

          Adores: 0
  9. 2010 February 15
    Heather permalink

    What good is a sarcasm teacher if you don’t have a sarcasm interpreter? What a waste of good sarcasm if you don’t have anyone who understands it.

    Adores: 1
  10. 2010 February 15
    Hartster permalink

    I have images of Niles or Geoffrey the butler (from The Nanny or Fresh Prince) teaching this course.

    I’d be more impressed if the poster was offering a class in recognizing sarcasm in internet posts. There’d be a whole lot less misunderstandings. (Did I say that sarcastically? You’ll never know….)

    Adores: 6
    • 2010 February 15
      mudslicker permalink

      That’s what the new SnarkMark is for. For a mere $1.99 a download, you too can bridge the gap of misinterpretation and misunderstanding.

      We are the world….

      Adores: 4
      • 2010 February 15
        mudslicker permalink

        Correction: I boo-boo’d on the name. It’s SarcMark.

        *enough with the snow packing into my brain already*

        Adores: 1
    • 2010 February 15

      Or, my favorite butler of ALL time – John Gielgud in “Arthur”…he was awesome…and snarky, but oh-so-refined.

      Adores: 3
      • 2010 February 15

        “Here, read this magazine. There are many pictures. ”

        Adores: 5
        • 2010 February 15

          “Usually one must go to a bowling alley to meet a woman of your stature.”

          Adores: 3
      • 2010 February 15

        “Yes, I see no reason for prolonging this conversation, unless you’re planning to knock over a fruit stand later in the evening. Good luck in prison.”

        Adores: 4
        • 2010 February 15

          “A little tart like that could save you a fortune in prostitutes.”

          Adores: 2
    • 2010 February 15

      I nomnomnominate Butler from Clue (Tim Curry) as most sarcastic Butler of all time. Of All Time!!!

      Adores: 2
  11. 2010 February 15
    FireManSteve-O permalink

    drmk, is this you? Is this a creative new funding mechanism for the site? I like it!

    Adores: 3
  12. 2010 February 15
    Yancy permalink

    Did this person self-nominate as an expert in sarcasm? If so, that’s a level of vanity with which I don’t want to be associated. Did a friend/family member/former lover nominate this person as an expert in sarcasm? If so, was said nominator being sarcastic when saying “hey, you’re so good at sarcasm, you should teach people to be as good as you?” If so, that’s a level of naivete with which I don’t want to be associated, but might find entertaining to watch.

    Adores: 12
    • 2010 February 15
      sarajean80 permalink

      Sometimes people are layered like that. There’s something totally different underneath than what’s on the surface.

      And sometimes there’s a third even deeper level and that one is the same as the top surface one.
      Like with pie.

      Adores: 8
      • 2010 February 15
        EclecticBlue permalink

        Plus for Dr Horrible reference!

        In other news, I just finished the archives. I think I love you guys.

        /lurk

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 15
          sarajean80 permalink

          Yay, somebody got it!

          I think I love you a little bit.

          Don’t go so fast, I have all this extra frozen yogurt…

          *Hands EclecticBlue a spork*

          Adores: 3
    • 2010 February 15
      CapnMac permalink

      Well, sarcasm, and snark for that matter, are like wisdom–these are titles that should be bestowed from without. So very few self-applied titles prove true even at the best of times.

      But, this is also an essential cruelty of the interconnection our web-life; we are alone, and have so few interlocutors to dub titles upon us each, whether wanted honors or not.

      Adores: 0
      • 2010 February 15
        sarajean80 permalink

        And self-nominated nicknames often have a way of evolving in unforseen ways.
        I’m sure “SexyFingers” TacoMagic will back me on that one.

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 16
          CapnMac permalink

          Sara-jean, you have hit nail upon the head.
          And even included the sense that Radar meant when febrile-appelled as “Stinky”–“Don’t call me that, that’s one that will STICK!”

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 February 16

          That’s cool. I’ve been called by ‘HellHathNoFury’. In public. By people that I don’t know.

          Adores: 0
  13. 2010 February 15

    Whoa … FOUR exclamation points! This guy means business.

    Adores: 3
  14. 2010 February 15
    Bavec permalink

    Now, now everyone. Let’s not mock the person who is quite possibly the greatest teacher of our time. (Besides, I found his class on irony very insightful.)

    Adores: 4
    • 2010 February 15
      BigUncleJohn permalink

      *door opens and student enters*

      student: excuse me, but

      teacher: what do you want you simpering twit? Well? Speak up? Cat’s got your tongue?

      student: well, I, uh, that is…

      teacher: I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard stupid. Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid so stupid that it goes way beyond the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. Do you even know how to talk?

      student: is this the sarcasm class?

      teacher: no, this is abuse. Sarcasm is down the hall, second on the left.

      student: thank you

      *student exits*

      teacher: twit.

      Adores: 20
      • 2010 February 15
        Windrose permalink

        BUJ, That was never five minutes!

        Adores: 0
        • 2010 February 16
          Anoxos permalink

          Yes it was…

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 February 16
          Windrose permalink

          No, it wasn’t!

          Adores: 0
      • 2010 February 15

        I’m sorry, was that Professor Snape?
        I’ll be over here with my gryffindor scarf…

        Adores: 2
      • 2010 February 16
        CapnMac permalink

        No, this is Getting Hit on The Head lessons!

        Now, hold your hands up like this and go “Whaa!”

        Adores: 0
  15. 2010 February 15
    queensbee permalink

    oh sure you can! like i might believe you are more sarastic than i am, right. puleeeze. do you give eye-rolling lessons, too?

    Adores: 0
    • 2010 February 16
      Quickcomeback permalink

      Don’t forget the hair flip. The timing is really important on that one.

      Adores: 0
  16. 2010 February 15

    I might have to call this guy. I’m tired and I think my snark is broken.

    Adores: 0
    • 2010 February 15
      Steph permalink

      Mine is too, because every time I come here, I think I’m going to say something really witty… aaaaaand then I see all the other comments. I grovel at the feet of the snark masters.

      Oh, I just realized! You’re Stephanie, and I’m Steph. Hi! XD

      Adores: 1
      • 2010 February 15

        Hooray! I know so many people named Stephanie it’s insane.

        Adores: 0
        • 2010 February 15
          Steph permalink

          I only know me and now you! Huzzah!

          Adores: 0
    • 2010 February 15
      arallyn permalink

      My snark is broken, too. I need to call someone to fix it.

      Then again, I’m way too tired and bitter these days to care. Hopefully it will be back soon.

      Adores: 0
      • 2010 February 15
        Windrose permalink

        aralynn, have you thought about teaching people to be bitter? Anyone can be taught to be bitter, and you could make DOZENS!!!!

        Adores: 2
        • 2010 February 15
          sarajean80 permalink

          Oooh, I could have a double major; Sarcasm and Bitterness!
          That way I would have something to fall back on once life drains the very last dregs of my soul away, tossing me away as a brittle, barren husk devoid of all traces of humanity like a spider casting away the corpse of a fly. (How was that? Was that good?* Wags tail*)

          Sarcasm and Bitterness” sounds like a band name, or one of those trendier-than-thou coffeeshops that name their drinks after obscure poets.

          Adores: 4
      • 2010 February 15
        Hartster permalink

        Your snark is broken?! Then call Lewis Carroll….

        Adores: 0
        • 2010 February 15
          Jen permalink

          Naw, Mr Carroll’s are all hunted-out and gaspy. You all want a nice, fresh, tender snark. I can adapt a heffalump trap, never used, for only elebenty internets!

          Adores: 1
    • 2010 February 16
      CapnMac permalink

      I repair broken snark. But your check has to clear first.
      And, you will have stylish footware which will be stare-worthy afterwards.
      Or not.

      Adores: 0
  17. 2010 February 15
    IrishFish permalink

    Boy, teach, train AND advise – people taking this guy’s class are getting all three for the price of one! What would YOU pay for learning the sarcastic art of sarcasm? Seriously, what would you pay? This guy doesn’t mention how much he charges but DOES mention a money back guarantee. If this guy’s an expert in sarcasm, how are we to know if his whole ad isn’t sarcastic?

    Adores: 0
  18. 2010 February 15
    bonni permalink

    Someone please write to this guy and say “I find your ideas interesting and would like to subscribe to your newsletter.” PLEEEASE!!

    Adores: 3
  19. 2010 February 15
    ??? permalink

    I have spent a lifetime trying to get understated sarcasm. My father (and my husband, for that matter, but that’s another can of beans) torment me constantly. I’m going to sign up! Do you think he conducts his classes via webcam?

    Adores: 0
    • 2010 February 15
      Lara permalink

      He can do something via webcam but there is no money back guarantee for that.

      Adores: 0
  20. 2010 February 15
    Windrose permalink

    Crepe, we got spambots in the archives! All hands on deck! Clear the mizzenmast, and do some sciency stuff, stat!

    Adores: 0
    • 2010 February 15
      Lola permalink

      I just saw that too – XXXIV and XLVI whenever the lllllama-nun and/or dan want to get to it. “farmville cash” and “farmville coins” posts.

      Adores: 0
      • 2010 February 15
        LurkRealClose permalink

        You’re kidding. (*is pretty sure you’re not kidding*)

        We’re getting Farmville spam on YSaC? (*is rhetorical*)

        Crikey! (*pretends to be Australian*)

        Take that, SarcMark! (*has explained everything for you in case you have not yet taken the sarcasm/rhetoric/foreign language courses, and thinks it’s way better than any silly Mark*)

        Adores: 1
      • 2010 February 16
        dan permalink

        Tagged as SPAM. Fear not, gentle readers!

        Adores: 0
    • 2010 February 16
      CapnMac permalink

      Ok, I just had a Forrester-Gibson moment in my head; Case calling to Beat to Quartes and Clear For Action to unleas the anit-bots on the router-riders and wireheads.

      But, I’ve had not nearly enough to drink and too much cultural immersion–please, please, no one else tonight ask me to explain information warfare . . .

      Adores: 0
  21. 2010 February 16
    Windrose permalink

    As the sun sinks slowly over Alaska, maybe, it’s time for one tired commentor who was cleaning bird cages all day and is not even half done, to punch a card for the talented Sunshine, and bid adeaux — er, good bye and good night to all you wonderful folks. As soon as I can post in the forum again, I will update the Don’t Suck box, or if Deve gets her health back, but one way or another we will keep track of the moments of fame!

    Adores: 0

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.