YSaC, Vol. 579: There’s No Business Like Snow Business!
Another in an apparent series of folks trying to monetize snowpocalypse:
piles of snow
I have been shoveling all day and now have a couple of large piles of snow. the snow is wet and a little hardened from the wind so it is in perfect condition for snowballs and snowmen and snow fort and etc. i am selling it for $1 a pound only because of the labor i had to put in to move it, but i did not pay for this snow. if you are interested please feel free to email i will have this available for hopefully a day or so but hurry because it will melt. Like i said i have been shovel ing it all day and if you want it please bring transportation of your own and make sure to bring a shovel because i dont want to shovel anymore. i know there is snow all over the area, but the stuff i have is wet and hardened because it was beside my house (not anymore because i shoveled it) and it had good exposure to the wind and rain. it would also be good for snow ice cream. please do not email me with stupid adds i dont need a job or money just offering good snow at a good price.
Thank you
Hmm… This is brilliant! Who’s running seriously out of money right now? The federal government, that’s who! And who just got three feet of snow dumped on it? Why, the federal government, that’s who! Why, the snow on the national mall alone ought to be enough to give all Americans health care, send a manned mission to Europa, rebuild Haiti, and possibly even buy Richard Shelby a puppy!
What could go wrong? After all, the federal process for selling stuff can’t take more than a few months, right?
Thanks for the link, bassc!
I see you took yesterday’s class in Sarcasm, Dan.
As for me, I don’t need any snow. There’s some falling from the sky right now, FOR FREE!
Oh..but i bet it’s not special “house” snow that’s been hardened by the wind and the rain. I’m sure you can’t make Ben & Jerry’s Titanium Snow ice cream out of it either.
It’s common knowledge that Boston snow is sub-par cause it’s got nor’easter salt in it that is gleaned from the sweat of lobsters.
*SnarcMark* (I’m too cheap to pay the $1.99)
How does the Midwestern snow fit into the snow continuum? I know it is intially very low in sodium, but is later altered with the addition of special sodium booster granuals that are provided by the state.
Midwestern snow just reeks of Palinesque colloquialisms and the hint of stale PBR.
It is only good for making deer hunting rifle shells (you have to aim and shoot fast) and perhaps carefully carved ammo for the occasional potato launcher.
But the best use of Midwestern snow is, after it’s melted, when you have all that glorious slop left to go muddin’ in.
Happy Fat Tuesday TMm! I want pancakes now before the bead chucking commences!
Pancakes all around!
I’m actually going to a party on Friday for… today. Yeah, weird. We’ll be playing Munchkin and drinking hard stuff like Amaretto Sours.
Geek parties are kinda lame come to think of it. Lame with awsomeness!
Ok, it’s time for Taco to get his cup of coffee… err… snow.
Perhaps you could borrow some quince syrup from Isaac to put into that coffee. If not, I’d go for some Baileys….
and….a party on Friday for Fat Tuesday??? Leave it to the PNW to re-structure Mardi Gras. Does that mean Lent will begin on Ash Saturday?
Ahh if only the PNW had anything to do with the restructuring.
It’s just way easier to hold a party on a Friday for us, since nobody else will be taking that day off this week. Something to do with Lent and Tuesday I’m told.
If the snow is free then you know what to do, Silva:
Falling snow for sale! Take it for free!
This seller seems to think money just falls from the sky, too! I’m sure people with no power, running low on food, and no transportation will be beating down his door to buy this special snow.
Well, to be fair, if they’re low on food they could certainly eat the snow iced cream that this snow would be perfect for.
Although I’m not a huge fan of snow iced cream anymore; I perfer my snow dark, with one cream and one sugar.
Tell me about it. I had to get up at 6:30 to shovel the driveway. (This was supposed to be a reply to SilvaNoir, above)
Wait, can’t you magically make your post go up where you want it? What about the tooth fairy and Santa Claus? What about Kanye West? He really posts here doesn’t he? HE REALLY POSTS HERE, DOESN”T HE?
I’d totally buy this… except we still haven’t used up the 4 feet of snow we recently shoveled off our driveway. Two people can only eat so much snow icedcream befoe you realize picking the dirt and rocks out of it just isn’t worth the effort.
So in order to properly utilize the rest of the snow, I’ve decided to use this guy as an example. I’m opening a snowball stand! Yes, in front of my house I’ve got my old lemonade stand set up to sell only the most quality snowballs. And remember, these aren’t just any snowballs, these are snowballs made with snow shoveled off of my driveway. This, of course, makes it far superior to any snow you have on your yard, shoveled or not. I’m selling them for the low price of $0.50 each, or $7 per dozen! And don’t worry, I’m only charging for my labor, the snow itself is free.
Don’t miss out on this opportunity!
I’d only buy in if you also offered a line of snow bowling balls. Because my hands are dainty, please make the finger holes only about an inch and a half apart please.
And please leave out the contribution from the chihuahua down the road. I require pristine balls!
Will $2.50 cover you for all that labor?
I Require Pristine Balls! would be a good title for an autobiography, Mudslicker. Something to file away for the future, just in case.
Hehe..I’ll have to check with Lola first to make sure she’s not snagged it.
I think I have an idea for a new t-shirt…
Go on Mudsy, I have … other preferences. 8)
Time to attempt to cross the line again by building off of Lola:
Could that preference be:
“I require unsullied clams!”?
Too far yet?
I don’t kiss and tell, TM. No denial/confirmation either way. I’ll admit I like men and am currently available, but anything else is volunteered only as the mood strikes me.
Private message to TM- Just don’t call her Mistress of anything…
Hey, no looking!
Muahahahaa, I see you, Bianchi! 😉
You’re a gracious princess Lola. I’ve been banging around a couple of opening lines to my Ego Epic I Require Pristine Balls! and am throwing out a few, totally original, attention catchers.:
—mudslicker laughed. She stood naked at the edge of a cliff. The lake lay far below her. A frozen explosion of granite pristine balls burst in flight to the sky over motionless water….
—Call me mudslicker. Some years ago – never mind how long precisely – having little or no money in my purse, and nothing particular to interest me on shore, I went in search of pristine balls….
—It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the decade of soiled balls, it was the decade of pristine balls…
Whaddya think?
Ask not when the country can clean your balls, but when you can clean the balls of your country.
Those are some … *hums AC/DC*
I like the last one, personally. “Decade of soiled balls” could be anytime from about 1962 to now.
I’m still sorting out hermetic dance venues in 3/8 time
Mudslicker; I am certain your entries should also be submitted for the 2010 Bulwer-Lytton award.
Seconded. I always enjoy the wonderful horribleness of hearing/reading the winning entries.
If you are unfamiliar, please see: http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/
“$0.50 each, or $7 per dozen!”
Have you been using that Cat Math calculator again Fakintini?
It takes more effort to make 12 and then stack them than it does to make 1. So it costs more. Where’s the problem?
But if it’s a big deal, I could always sell you 10 of them for $6.50.
Fakintini, your prices dey are too high. Surely you can give dis fine lady a better deal den dat? Perhaps you sell her 10 for $5.00 and den throw in two more for only $1?
Dat’s right ladies, Bacontini is here helping to get you da big deals!
Gentlemen, I’m here with a cease-and-desist order on behalf of my client, Mr. Freezee’s Frosty Balls, Inc.
It has come to the attention of my client that you are using their patented spherical mass of compacted frozen precipitation without paying the required royalties. I will have to ask you to stop all further production of spherical masses of compacted frozen precipitation until the matter can be resolved.
Fakin Bacontini INC. is on to Mr. Freezee’s plot here.
We did our research and it appears that the first patent for frozen sphyroids was filed back in 1892 by Chinese snow artist Fro Zin Pak. Apparently your client’s patent is only a PENDING one, and will most likely be rejected due to extant and open market availability of carpal based snow packing technology.
If Mr. Freezee thinks he can beat our balls, he’s in for a royal spanking in court.
Great idea. I think you make a deal LA and Arizona. They are always in need of snow (aka H2O). Buyer arranges and pays freight, of course.
Wow, I wish I had thought of this last week when we got the 12+ inches of snow in Dallas.
Our snow is not only pristine, it’s bigger and better than any snow north of the Red River.
We even had the special “house” snow, so rare in today’s market. In fact we still have some of it on the north side of the house. I’ll bet you could scrape off the top layer and make some awesome Texas Two-Step ice cream with it.
Y’all come on down and get you some…but hurry, the temp is supposed to hit 60 tomorrow with bright sunshine and light winds. What?
Hi CJ, we’re neighbors! (sort of, Denton here)
I still have the remnants of my snow fort but @ think I’m going to keep it because I love throwing snowballs at my dogs and watching their suprised excitement when they realize it’s chewable water.
Maybe I’m a snow snob—in Vermont we can afford to be—but I’m not eating anything that’s been shoveled off of someone’s driveway. My wife and I often make “snowcone” desserts* when a fresh snow has come down, but we’re very picky about getting the clean, fluffy stuff from the top.
*One of our traditional Thanksgiving desserts leaves you with about a pint of quince syrup that you’re supposed to “reserve for another occasion,” and this is what we reserve it for: quince snowcones are the bomb.
I think snow that has been shoveled from the driveway should only be used to make Rocky Road snow ice cream.
I live in the city. There is not enough cocain on North Ave to make me think eating city snow is a good idea.
Ok, well there may be enough cocain, but it’s still a bad idea.
This sounds like a great offer! Yeah, just let me load it up into my heated car and put it in my heated house and…. hey wait a minute…. I thought I bought snow, not a bucket of water. Do you take returns? This snow appears to be the melting kind.
See, this is why you need to by the special Alaskan Glacier Snow. It doesn’t melt, see.
At least that was what we would tell people who asked the inevitable “Do you live in an igloo?”
Answer: “Yes, but we cut slabs of glacier ice because it doesn’t melt and you can have heat and indoor plumbing.”
Ha-ha, the fun times we had.
Oh, And for the ultimate corey moment: I found out the word igloo was mistranslated by English speaking people. The word igloo actually is a permanent built structure (so, I guess we all live in igloos), a temporary ice dwelling is an apaskiak. Spanish for igloo is casa so they got it right. I learned this from a graphic designer friend who did an alphabet strip for a school and noticed these words and accompanying pictures which did not match his preconceived english speaking notions. 🙂
Ah, see I can’t get the special Alaskan Glacier snow. I live in Minnesota (and I can’t see Russia from my house) so our snow usually melts, re-freezes, melts, re-freezes, melts, re-freezes… and that’s just in one day. Eventually we all either go mad and start using phrases like “you betcha” or move to Florida.
Wait… you don’t actually live in houses made of ice?!?! Gasp. (Sorry. I learned everything I know about sarcasm from this guy on the internet…)
I live in NC (no I can’t see Russia ether) and we share 1 snow plow with SC. 6″ of snow shuts us down for around 6 months.
$1 a pound? The nerve of some people, especially when you have such a small selection.
I have everything from 4 foot icicles to sheets of multicolored ice. I have hard-packed and wet, and I have stuff thats so powdery they could hold the olympics on it. And I’ll match any sellers price ,but I don’t have to! I’m offering 50 cents a pound, and the snow is already neatly arranged in piles, both on the sides of my driveway or still on the driveway itself. Come on down now to Z.K.’s snow emporium!
Do you have that nice black stuff that doesn’t melt until it hits 60º?
I’d like a crystal of ice-nine, please.
Your comment makes both happy and sad, sarajean. Happy to see a Vonnegut reference, sad because my husband’s cat passed last week and her name was Lucky Mud.
I’m so sorry to hear that, christina. It’s always hard to lose a fuzz-baby.
I think I just did a Meredith.
My sympathies, christina.
Thank you both. She had a good and long life as queen of the house.
christina, sad news, indeed. My sympathies to you and your husband.
I’m so sorry, christina. Some people think people like us are crazy when our lives fall apart over the loss of an animal. It’s devastating! My bunny passed almost a month ago, and every time I see a picture of her or hold the dfoor open behind me to save her nose, my heart hurts. Telling my 9 yr old was the end. of. the. world. I’m so sorry his kitty died. I’m sure Lucky Mud knew he was loved.
Yeah, if this seller was really using their noodle, they would have been selling it fresh from its virgin resting place by charging $1 a pound for folks to come shovel and haul it away.
Unless, deep down inside, they knew that if they did that, the chances of their house snow moving even one inch would have been nil.
Sadly people are actually selling snow on eBay. I remember a local fella doing it a few years back, and a quick Google turned up this little gem;
http://www.canada.com/topics/news/politics/story.html?k=77055&id=6ce461e9-6e06-4767-be3c-498ea026aaf7
I remember a dude selling packing peanuts as “ghost poo.” At the time my dying faith in humanity was perked up a little by the fact that nobody had bought any of them.
My faith in humanity was later brutally murdered in 2003. I won’t go into details.
Mine died the day I found the listing for dehydrated water on eBay.
The service was small but lovely.
I used packing peanuts as snowman poo in a Christmas diorama a few years back. I believe I bought them on eBay from some tool selling them as ghost poo.
As if it’s not obvious enough to be able to tell snowman scat from ghost scat. I got those precious gems for a steal.
At least that guy was giving the cash to charity, this ones just an asshat of the highest order.
I have been bottling sunshine all day and now have about a dozen of large bottles of sunshine. the sunshine is bright and warm so it is in perfect condition for tanning and basking and etc. i am selling it for $1 a bottle only because of the labor i had to put in to bottle it, but i did not pay for this sunshine. i know there is sunshine all over the area, but the stuff i have is warm and bright because it was out in the sun (not anymore because i bottled it) and it had good exposure to the sun. it would also be good for sun ice tea. please do not email me with stupid adds i dont need a job or money just offering good sunshine at a good price.
Thank you
PS Bottles of moonshine are $10 a bottle. That’s hard to “bottle”
Thank you
And here when you said “moonshine” I was thinking of something TOTALLY different. Or maybe I wasn’t because it’s all in the segue….
Bottled in the dead of night by the BianchiSound Distillery.
Now appearing at the 40-Watt, for a limited engagement, BianchiSound Distillery!
Opening for them is I Require Pristine Balls.
Admission, one pound of hard-packed, minty snow. No water accepted, so drive fast.
@mudslicker- No, I was thinking white lightning too. Hence the higher price and quotes on bottle.
@CJ- BianchiSound Distillery’s agent would never settle for a 1 pound cover charge. They’re worth at least 5 pound a person. Minty snow does sound refreshing though.
I love this new marketing concept and wish to subscribe to your newsletter.
I have just had a wonderful idea. I will steal electricity from work to power my home.
I’ll just slip this bucket under the outlet and poke a tiny hole in the receptacle with this unbent paperclip…
Sounds like a plan, sarajean! I do so love your new hairdo, btw. It’s so 80’s retro!
*(dazed)* Thank you magic talking rinoceros! Now we can flutter off to the Gumdrop Parade in Fairy Town on your cute little orange wings.
Does anyone else smell smoke?
I work with high voltage for a living and I’ll tell you, being electrocuted is NOT funny!
It’s hillarious.
That explains a lot, tMm.
You know Sarajean, sarcasm is so unique and witty I’m just overcome with your abilities to stand out from the crowd by using it. Sarcasm truely is the hight of original expression in today’s growing field of humor.
And oh yeah, go Taco. Being an Ass is sooo clever! We’re all really impressed with what a witty ass you can be.
I’m always impressed by your ass 😉
He’s pretty smart. Yesterday, I taught him to come when called and follow me around for carrots.
Of course now we’re almost inseperable. It’s like every time I turn around *boom* there’s my ass.
That’s what happens when they get as big as yours.
You just can’t escape an enormous ass. Even if you want to, they are very hard to get rid of.
Very true. However, I may try beating it off with my massive link.
EDIT: I didn’t realize how dirty that sentence was until I re-read it after posting. This has been a pretty risque day, but llamanun may want to delete this one.
And now I have the image of a man standing in a field of sunflowers (with smiley faces instead of seedheads) throwing carrots at a large gray donkey, then striking it with a laptop when it gets too close.
…
I’m gonna go check the expiration date on my meds.
Paging SilvaNoir, you’re next fake commission is ready.
I’m thinking he should hit the Donkey with a giant sausage though.
Best line: “but i did not pay for this snow.” Well, no s#!t! Unless you’re in one of those indoor ski places or at a resort that doesn’t have enough snow (or at the current Olympics) and it’s manufactured, most knobs who get it out of their driveway didn’t pay for it. Hey, if we were charged for the weather, it would be dry and mild at my house pretty much all of the time. The fact that this is even a question at a time when parts of the country are experiencing record snowfalls causes much sarcastic snorting (not outright “bwhahaha!” since I’m at work).
For some reason now I’m picturing him standing in his driveway with a cheese grater and a 80 pound block of ice, “manufactuing” his own snow.
No wonder he’s so tired.
This CL’er shovels more than snow.
They must have a PhD.
That would be “Piled higher and Deeper”.
Oh, so that’s the degree Dr. Phil holds. I always suspected it was something unsavory.
No, Dr. Phil holds an Elmer PhuDd degree.
Dearest sarajean –
I worship at the altar of you for that comment.
We could definitely use some of that snow in Vancouver (but only in the mountains, of course. More than an inch of snow in the city and our entire infrastructure shuts down….). I’m sure there’s a few tourists walking around in confusion right now, wondering where we’ve put our igloos and polar bears…I mean, this is Canada, right?
The Olympics are making me feel nastalgic. I used to visit Vancouver every summer for 2 weeks. We’d do some salmon fishing for a week out of north Vancouver, then do some hiking and sight seeing in the mountains.
I really need to get some time together and do that again.
You should! Vancouver is a beautiful place, its just, well, not very wintery. Which is just the way we like it! We’re really a strange little climate bubble, because pretty much every single place in Canada outside of the “lower mainland” has your typical Canadian winter – cold, snow, cold, snow….you know, places where a man trying to sell his shoveled snow would be picked up and dumped head first into a pile of said snow, for his own good and the good of anyone who might have to listen to him…
*snickers* He said wet and hardened…
What? Nobody else saw that? Or am I the only one present with my mind in the gutter?
Well, HHNF hasn’t gotten in yet, so most of our minds are still as pristine as our balls.
I’m not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Be proud of your shame!
Now I just have to summon GrahmT and we’ll be ready for some real gutter balls.
*Looks around furtively* “Duct Tape sucks!” *flees*
That’s because TMm’s carrots are following his ass today….
I love duct tape. I love saying it. Duct tape duct tape duct tape!!!
Graham hasn’t been around for awhile. I know he moved and has an exciting, new, shiny job, but he…he *big doe eyes*
ABANDONED US!!!! He said he loved us. *sneef*
Bacontini is here for you sad lady. Your man, he has abandoned you, but see it not as time for saddity, but opportunity. Bacontini know you don’t even like de men anyway. So Bacontini give you little secret: Bacontini is not male! Is true, Bacontini is meerly alcohol and pork witout de gender.
Dat is why Bacontini is really here for everyone, but especially da ladies.
Don’t trust his sweet words, HHNF! He will leave you penniless, languishing in a garage with no way to feed the twin barstools.
I know your ways, Bacontini. Once I get you, I want more and more, even in public and in front of family. Then I wake up alone, filled with regret, shame, and angry texts. You make me sick.
But I’ll keep coming back.
I’m sure you’ve all heard this one.
Little girls, this seems to say,
never stop upon your way, never trust a stranger friend,
no-one knows how it will end!
As you’re pretty, so be wise! Wolves may lurk in every guise!
Now, as then, it’s simple truth, sweetest tongue has sharpest tooth!
Bacontini: + elebenty for “saddity.” That is possibly the funniest thing I’ve read today (I’m undercaffeinated, no offense to anyone else here who has been amusing, which is pretty much everyone).
don’t worry, I caught that too >:)
Likewise, I wasn’t going to say anything, as I apparently have enough of a reputation already.
Yes, I’ve been lurking about for so long that I know how you lot would respond to just about anything. Hence my shock to be the first one to notice it OPENLY. Yay me. I think that quiz I once took was wrong; it said I didn’t have a dirty mind. It LIED.
Hi we did have someone bottling tap water in Manchester and selling it as Lakland water for $3 per bottle (yes I’ve translated our groats into your dollars). He was correct the water was from a lake. I believe he was surprised to be sued by the water company.
How about English snow? Its distinguishing feature is that its always unexpected – especially in winter.
Come on people, pay for your snow! There are warm children in Australia!
Yeah, and finish your old clothes too. There are thousands of starving children in China who would be happy to have those warm clothes to eat.
Mmm…fiber.
Just don’t confuse the uneaten tubs of clothing for the tubs of rare vintage cereals. The cereals may look more like food but they are (in theory, to someone, at least) more valuable!
The other day a coworker mentioned a friend of his who became very concerned about global warming after taking a trip to Australia, since it was around 95* every day in december.
(palm-face)
If I had snow, and a driveway, I might pay him $1 a pound to shovel MY driveway… But I don’t know how much volume there’d be in a pound of snow, and we haven’t had any to play with in over a month. Best snow on earth, my dry butt!
In other news, I got Rock Band 2 for my other half for Valentine’s day, and I came straight to the YSaC forums for my band name. I’m now the drummer for Intrigue of the Kittens.
I actually pulled my band name off here too. I’m lead guitar for “Neon Rorschach Test”.
Awesome. We’re Karma Barbeque.
I was going to call Vancouver and see if they needed my piles and piles of snow…for free. Silly me.
Looks like all my issues with the site have been fixed (knocks on virtual lumber). Mike said I had a corrupted cookie. I don’t remember eating any cookies at this computer, but he’s the smart one with the techy stuff. Now, to catch up in the forums logging in the Don’t Suck comments. And a quick punch for bonni, good one! Oh, and snarky comments about snow and pristine balls and wet and hard. Thank you.
This is a test. This is only a test. If your handle is bonni, come to the office for your card punch, please!
Okay, for anyone following the saga of my Bad Request errors, or having your own, Mike found out I had a corrupted cookie. I’d swear I didn’t eat those over the computer keyboard, but he’s the smart one in the techy area. I am back to speed on the forum, and got to bring the Don’t Suck list up to date. However, I posted one comment that never showed up, similar to this one. So that’s why I did the test post. Don’t know why that one didn’t survive.
Corrupted cookies are the ones that have calories. All of the others are fine. 😉
Windrose — so glad to hear you figured it out! If you can drop me a line letting me know what happened and how you fixed it, it might be useful for me to know so that I can help others if they have the same problem.
PS: I found your missing post. For some reason it was flagged as spam. (Sigh.)
Dan, that was excellent commentary. The commentary by both of you usually makes me chuckle (and try to give you a +1), but this one was especially entertaining.