YSaC, Vol. 607: How about some lemon merengue?
2010 March 16
Keyboards and Flamingo Guitarist Needed
Drummer-Percussionist looking for Keyboards or Flamingo Guitarist for Duo or Trio.
For lounge, restaurant, cafe gigs pending.
Into Jazz, Latin, Acoustical sound.
Have contacts to generate work with serious, mature players.
Call xxx-xxx-xxxx
I’m guessing a serious, mature player would realize that it’s flamenco, not flamingo, and would laugh Sparky here out of the lounge, restaurant, cafe.
The problem with a flamingo guitarist is that they’re always falling asleep standing on one leg. Although that may not actually be different than regular guitarists.
That opens the floor to guitarist jokes. I’ll start:
- What do you call a guitarist who’s just broken up with his girlfriend? Homeless.
- What did the guitarist get on his IQ test? Drool.
- How do you get a guitarist to stop playing? Put sheet music in front of him.
(Okay, these also work for drummers, like Sparky.)
Thanks, Michael!
I think there was a flamingo-human hybrid guitarist in that ’90s remake of Island of Dr. Moreau. Or maybe in the Jabba scenes at the beginning of Return of the Jedi. I get those two mixed up for some reason.
Sorry, this is an Austin (cat math?) reference but my immediate thought was Pots and Plants on Bee Caves plus Sixth Street equals flamingo guitarist.
I always thought anything plus Sixth Street = pink elephants.
‘Course that was before CatMath.
You don’t have to go to Sixth Street in Austin to intentionally see Pink Elephants. There’s a Belgian Beer called Delirium Tremens with a logo featuring pink elephants. Just possibly my favorite import label design.
http://www.jaunted.com/files/3/delirium_tremens.jpg
That.Is.Awesome.
It’s a decent beer, but for labels (and for beer taste) I recommend the guys at Unibroue or (even better) Dieu du Ciel.
Isaac, those look good. For Celtic flavor, literally, I like Fraoch Heather Ale. It’s Scottish, and has cool labels. And a free bogman in every bottle! OK, not really. But it does taste of flowers – heather flowers, to be precise.
They have some other ones – like Alba, which tastes of evergreen, and one of the others has seaweed in it (Kelpie?). I had a hard time finding it here but knew it had to be somewhere … fortunately one of the groceries in my area remodeled and wants to attract the microbrew contingent, and so they have that (among many other fine ones) now. I usually prefer Guinness, but if I want a lighter-colored and -flavored beer, it’s quite nice.
http://www.fraoch.com/historicales.htm#
I love the myriad and informative discussions about beer on YsaC, and I always pass on all of it to Mr. Eyebrows and to all the Eyebrow children. The kids especially are really into different beers (none to worry, they are all well over the age). However, in our household, everyone knows that it is always important to have champagne on hand for the Mrs.
Gotta love those bubbles!
You’re a Mrs. after my own heart, Archie, regarding the bubbly. And glad to see you back! I had missed your immaculately-shaped avatar.
Thanks Lola. 🙂 I try to check in on YsaC at least once a day, even if it’s just momentarily. It’s as necessary as coffee, you understand. However, sometimes there’s not even time for a drive-by snark comment! Which means some poor soul (however deserving) will pay for/benefit from that unfortunate circumstance if they chance to cross my path during the day.
But what’s it called when you’re drunk/stoned/whatever and run into Leslie in his thong? A sobering experience?
(extending it to overall band jokes)
What’s the difference between a back-up vocalist and a mime?
People TRY to get the mime to say something mid-performance.
Ooo, I know some!
Why are so many guitarist jokes one liners?
So the rest of the band can understand them.
How do you get two guitar players to play in perfect unison?
Shoot one.
Wait a damn minute. I know what’s going on here!
The Tiki Room is looking for a new lead guitar! That place has been a dump since they were bought out by new management, I’m glad to see that they’re finally looking for some new talent.
Dammit. Now I have the Tiki Room song stuck in my head AND I’m craving lemon meringue pie.
Do Jose, et al merengue? They seem more like a head bobbing bunch of middle schoolers.
I hate it when guitars are made out of lead. Besides getting really, really heavy about the middle of the first set, it also explains why lead guitarists develop mental and learning disorders* early in life.
*don’t eat the guitar picks!
Personally I prefer the mercury or plutonium guitarists when it comes to heavy metal, but they have other, occupational-hazard health concerns.
How do mercury guitarists hold on to their instruments (please feel free to get snarky-dirty when answering this one).
I didn’t know Freddie was a guitarist. I thought he was lead vocals and keyboard.
He was also into checkers. “Queen me!”
I hear he liked chess for the same reason. Queen must be taken to end game.
“Queen to queen’s level two.”
Spocktastic!
I now want to strike up a conversation with someone just so I can say “Spocktastic!”.
SJ, that desire is Spocktastic!
Honestly, it isn’t really heavy metal until you get to einsteinium or the like.
Which really has crowd effect.
If in a Disaster Area sort of way.
Q: How can you tell a guitarist is at your door?
A: By the Domino’s Pizza hat.
Q: What do a guitar solo and premature ejaculation have in common?
A: You know it’s coming and there’s nothing you can do about it.
Not to mention the favorites…
Q: What’s the difference between a musician and a pizza ?
A: A pizza can feed a family of four.
Q: How many Electric Guitar players does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: Five. One to change it and four to discuss how Eric Clapton would have done it.
How does a lead guitarist change a lightbulb?
Holds it in place and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Q: If you drop an air guitarist and a watermelon off a tall building, which would hit the ground first ?
A: Who cares?… (and would the air guitarist make a sound?)
Q: What do you call a band who’s lost their lead guitar?
A: Better.
Are you sure that’s not whose?
Hehe…just messing with you—Isaac style.
That was supposed to be Isaac’s line. Now you’ve ruined it ^^.
Whose next?
*funny funny*
Go back to Homonym School Taco!
Whose next? gets the “wrong answer buzzer”.
At least I didn’t get the gong.
It was either the buzzer or the trap door over DA minty shark’s tank.
All the more, well, words fail me, from the facebook YSaC posting today.
How do you tell there’s a violist on the doorstep?
He can’t find they key and he doesn’t know when to com in.
How many clarinet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but they’ll go through an entire box of lightbulbs looking for just the right one.
Somehow I’m not in the Phrygian mode for orchestra humor….
What does the conductor say when unvailing a new middle tone instrument?
“Viola!”
What should you do when you see a guitarist drawning?
Throw him his amp.
(this one’s long)
“What did you do on Earth?”
“I was a surgeon. I helped the lame to walk.”
“Well, go right on in through the Pearly Gates”
“What did you do on Earth?”
“I was a school teacher. I taught the blind to see.”
“Fine .. go right on in through the Pearly Gates!”
“What did you do on Earth?”
“I was a musician. I helped make sad people happy.”
“You can load in through the kitchen.”
For lounge, restaurant, cafe gigs pending….
…and all the carotene enriched shrimp you can eat. Gotta keep our guitarists in the pink!
Put that joke in the context of Sarajean’s gynecologist one-liner from yesterday…
*scary* I thought of that after I posted it. But decided I better not
[TEENA]
“GO THERE”
[/TEENA]
“Have contacts”? Ooh, he doesn’t need to wear glasses anymore! And gigs are pending. Meaning, they don’t really have them yet.
Two guys are walking down the street. One was destitute. The other was a guitarist as well.
What, the flamingo can’t wear glasses, only contacts? Doesn’t that seem potentially discriminatory? First the guy wants someone who can play guitar without opposable thumbs – a pretty tall order, unless it’s a lap-steel – and they can’t wear glasses? Jerk. Doesn’t he know how old flamingoes usually are before they master the guitar? Sheesh. Most of them are half-blind by then, and need their glasses. Unrealistic expectations, for certain. Or they’re trying to take advantage of the aged. Jerk, again.
Maybe….
My love must be a kind of blind love
I can’t see anyone but you
I only have eyes for youuuuuuuuuuuuu….
I am wondering why he didn’t just send a letter to Buzzy Johnson if he wanted The Flamingos guitarist so bad.
Well, good luck looking for a SERIOUS, MATURE flamingo guitarist to work with, because all the ones I’ve come across have acted like 12 year olds. And they out and out refuse to stand on one leg, so don’t even bother asking.
I love the flamingo guitar!! My fave is Gil Scott Heron’s version of Clair de Loon.
Awesome! +10000! *Extends arms, flicks on lighter*
That Claire de Loon chick always seemed a bit flighty to me.
It’s her fear of intimacy… you know, the whole buoy/gull thing.
I Ophelia sentiments on that one sarajean and l_c!
I was going to make the same joke! Wouldn’t that have been aukward!
I’m not a big Gil Scott Heron fan, but I do love Iron Hummingbird’s “I’ve gotta duck on my head” song:
I’ve gotta duck on my head, honey,
Don’t you know to me you flew?
I’ve gotta duck on my head, baby,
Don’t you know that you’re not a loon?
Oh, won’t you fly with me
And be colored bland?
Oh, won’t you fly with me
Past this hunting stand?
Are you colored bland?!
Careful with that Taco….I hear Dick Cheney’s got a gun and he’s taken up duck hunting.
Cheney’s got a gun
Cheney’s got a gun
The “accidents” have just begun,
if you’re smart you’re gonna run.
’cause he’ll tell them all “It’s untrue,
I really didn’t mean to maim you.”
That’s it, not more competing with SJ.
I’m not competing, I’m just really, really bored. It’s this or I break out the deer rifle and start looking for bell towers.
did someone say…Duct Hunt?
*blam blam*
Damn dog.
If I had a nickle for every time I shot that dog, I’d be the third richest man on pluto!
*nickel
Well damn.
I guess I need to stick to easy words. Like kat.
Crap.
(I also forgot to capitalize Pluto.)
The important question here is whether or not it’s a planet.
/NASA corey
If I had a nipple for every time that someone had raised that question…
Amazingly enough, I found a photo of a flamingo guitar.
http://www.birdcapo.com/flamingo.gif
It does seem to stand on one leg.
Holy one-legged atrocity, Batman!
If that’s what they’re looking to have someone play, then I think we underestimated their musical abilities.
Or not.
Your invocation of Robin’s catchphrase (or catchpattern?) leads me to suggest a link to a recent blog post of mine…
… in which, among other things, I catch Adam West in an abysmal solecism.
Well, thanks Isaac…I had nooooooo idea there was such a plethora of Robin-esque quotes recorded for posterity. I actually use that quite a bit, IRL…just not so eloquently as he.
And, I must admit to a hearty guffaw over the nu-thatch even if it does reveal the Caped Crusader’s imperfections.
I found that too. I considered posting it but didn’t want to give the original post any air of authenticity.
Oh, well, I didn’t mean to do that either. I just think it shows that others are willing to go to a lot more trouble than we are to make fun of idiots who can’t spell flamenco.
Maybe they’re really looking for someone with a flaming guitar (a la Jimi Hendrix) and we’re just reading this all wrong.
It’s a pity. My only talent is dancing the Mango.
I dance the Mango too! Let’s hit that dance floor and cut a rig!
Say, any of you guys know how to Madison?
I once had a band, only instead of a Flamingo Guitarist, we had an Ostrich Guitarist. It didn’t last too long; the guitarist keep on burying his head every time we placed beach gigs….
Maybe the poster is Animal, the Muppet drummer?
@Tacowagic Once again the Internet brings two kindred souls together. <3. Would you also like to dance the Roomba? I just started taking classes only I can't practice at home because it scares the cat.
Wow you can Mango and Roomba? I’m impressed. I took Balloon dancing and all I can do is a simple Walls. Those book steps are tough on the uncoordinated.
I’d like to learn the Poker but don’t have the right 6/8 sided table.
Poker? But I just danced with ‘er.
I sadly can’t Roomba. However, I can Walls just fine.
I’m also rather good at Balrog Dancing.
Mmm, Mango. That’s up there with the Macaroona and the Funky Chiclets in my book of “Danses Delicieuses.”
What about the Hokey Porkey? I’m told that it’s bacon style.
I hear Bacontini is the guy who really cuts a rug during the Hokey Porkey.
Cuts, or perhaps stains the rug. When Bacontini dances it, it’s more like the Horkey Porkey.
Dorkey Porkey
Donkey Porkey – A particular favorite in Tijuana, I am told.
Ahh yes, Bacontini remember well his youth.
Bacontini had a relationship with a fine lady. Eventually he moved in with her and later dey moved out together. Dey moved into a new, bigger appartment, and den dere was a big earthquake. One day dey went out dancing. Dey did de Hokey Porkey all night. But, towards de end of de night, an amaretto sour caught de lady’s eye. She turned herself around, and walked out of Bacontini’s life.
Bacontini tink dat sometimes dat’s what life’s all about.
Hi, are you the guy who books the bands at this lounge, restaurant, cafe?
What? Um, yeah. Whaddya want?
I got this flamingo duo. We’re looking for a gig.
Well, send in a demo and I’ll give it a listen…
Um, see, we don’t really have anything recorded yet. I’m still looking for someone to play keyboards or flamingo guitar.
Okaayyy. So your “flamingo” duo is just you?
Well. yeah, but I got an ad on craigslist, so I’m sure I’ll find someone great soon!
Oh, yeah, great idea. That’s where all the great “flamingo” guitarists are discovered. Tell you what, Sparky, as soon as you find someone, you got yourself a gig…
Gee, thanks, mister!
*Gets out band checklist. Gig pending. Check, check…
I’m kind of glad my back went wonky today and I stayed home, as it gives me a chance to give an early punch to roteg, and say, “Hear, hear!” Through some magic of the universe and the stars being right, the Llamanun and Ostrimu have brought together a community that goes deeper than the internet and transcends the absurdity of the daily posts.
roteg, report to the office for a card punch and a hearty hand shake. 8)
I am increasingly coming to believe in the healing power of snark, as oxymoronic as that may seem.
I agree. I am proud to be classified as weird enough to hang out with you cool kids.
believe in the healing power of snark
Any extra you can spare today would be more than welcome
Yay! Reporting for punch and shake (mm…delicious drinks) as ordered, ma’am!
I really do love this community – I enjoy listening to intelligent, witty people, and now I don’t even have to accost strangers to do it. (or, technically, listen) When I grow up, I want to be just as snarky and fun as all of you!
Sadly, I have no jokes pertaining to bands or dances. Next time, YSAC, next time!
(yes, I parenthesize and exclaim entirely too much, shh)
Vanilla, chocolate or strawberry, roteg? See you tomorrow!
True Story:
In high school I took a micro-computer course who’s teacher was a lead guitar for a local, terrible band. I ended up teaching the course for him due to two reasons:
1) He didn’t know anything about computers outside of the microsoft office suite.
2) Whenever he did talk in front of the class all he did was whine about how much he hated his job and wished his band could land a road tour. Most of the class spent his “lectures” playing command and conquer across serial connections.
That guy was seven of the stupidest people I’ve ever met.
+1, even though you misspelled whose and applied it to an inanimate object instead of a person.
As I’ve always said, what I lack in technical skill for grammar, I make up with the earnest attempt at getting it close to correct.
Sadly, until I’ve completed my cyborg upgrade, I remain a grammatically stunted engineer.
Stick around with me, Tacow, and I’ll lurn you some grammer (and speling) real good.
@TW -1 Ike Point to you, sir.
Eye luk 4ward 2 lurning the guud gramar.
Isacc – wood u lern my kids too. there speeling and gramer ain’t that gud. no spots left in the posy frum moonday
sis I miss something while I was AWOL? just when did TM become TW?
dev:
That was before Sybil took his medication.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I’m schizophrenic
And so am I.
Dev: I think his M has just flipped itself over. It’ll probably right itself one of these days; it’s not like it’s a turtle or anything.
Actually, I think he does it on purpose just to confuse us. Either that or the lack of sleep caused by little taco is causing finger failure when he types his own name.
It’s mostly for drmk and Mudslicker’s sake, since they both caught on to the fact that I changed my “m” from time to time.
For a while Mudsy was catching all the changes rather quickly. Each time I changed it I’d count the number of posts she would make before realizing that I’d switched the letters.
But little did you know, I was counting in CatMath….
He didn’t know anything about computers outside of the microsoft office suite.
Hey, I was sent to a seminar on Office his brother led.
Said spiffy things like you should always format your disks, not just erase. He also advocated things like only using fixed dating on merged forms, but not saving the merge, but recreating it any time it was needed. He admitted he had never worked on networked computers, which was ironic, since the seminar title was on getting more out of Office in a networked environment.
At the first coffee/smoke/speaking-anxiety break, I took the guy aside and asked if his notes were printed wrong on the formatting thing. He thanked me for pointing that out.
Then, in front of the whole group he pointed out that I had corrected him, and that I could answer all the LAN questions. It was a long, long, long morning with his slide show being ignored and me going from ad hoc tiger team to tiger team.
Bailed on the seminar at lunch. Coworkers who stayed said the seminar got worse after lunch.
But, at least I did not have to wear a pink suit and stand on one leg.
HAHA… you said “tiger team”…
What is this thing of which you speak, this…’tiger’?
HHNF: *sssshhh* We prefer to call it the “T” word. Speaking it is like saying
Candyman
Candyman
Candym…. *owww*
You sure they weren’t lions?
You mean the Not.A.Lion team, right?
Maybe the Trailer Park Troubadours are looking for a new member …
I used to be a Flamingo guitarist. But my performance suit molted all the pink feathers, and gluing them on once sucked enough to prevent me from bothering to reapply them.
My squirrel costume still has most of the original fur. You could borrow that and take your music in a whole new direction.
My husband is a musician and owns a recording studio.
’nuff said
Well, perhaps a penguin guitarist would do, then. After all, they’re more elegantly dressed than flamingo guitarists.
Penguin guitarist – isn’t that what the Singing Nun was?
(If you’re Catholic and that bothers you, my apologies.)
12 years of Catholic school for me (and I turned out perfectly, didn’t I?).
It was high-larious. And I’m a Blue’s Brothers movie fan as well.
I went to Catholic University. That pretty much chipped away the remaining part of me that considered itself Catholic.
Meh; I was raised Catholic, gave it up for Lent one year, and stuck with that.
Can we call you “Mrs. Maines”?
Same here, penguin. Is that a Texas thing?
SilvaNior, we need you desperately for a flamingo with a guitar!!!!
This will be your first order after your highly anticipated recovery.
It can be the start of her “Acoustic Avian” period.
I would recommend that for the Band Name of the Day, but I think The Birds have the corner on that one.
Maybe the flamingo guitarist could play air guitar? Or feath-air guitar?
*please excuse me -I’ve spent the past two days keeping snark in control with a gaggle of moaning managers*
Take them out to get some sun. Then you’ll have a gaggle of tanagers.
Just don’t let them get too scarlet.
@sarajean – Great idea – but I did something better – finished the course and headed for home on a fast train !
*Scarlet Tanagers would make a good band name?*
Q: What do you call someone who follows a group of musicians around?
A: A drummer
What do you do with a guitarist who knows nothing about music? Put him in the back and hand him drumsticks.
What do you do if he still can’t play? Take one stick away and put him in front of the orchestra.
How do you know if your stage is level?
There’s drool coming out of both sides of the drummer’s mouth.
i say this as a singer in a huge choir (we often call ourselves teh Moron Tabernacle Choir) musicians are essential. but people, if you cant keep time, please, stop trying to do that. makes me nuttier than i already am.
i really hate that i dont get here until after 5 pm eastern. but my office has this site blocked…
I’m sure you can blame Graham and HHNF for that…
Hey! Just because it’s true doesn’t mean you can say it out loud.
Where is the lovable G-Krackah today, anyhow?
Dunno. We don’t talk outside here anymore. *sob*
Some days the porn filter at my college blocks the comments. Not quite sure what it is that you all are getting up to on those days…
Ok,
looking for Keyboards or Flamingo Guitarist for Duo or Trio.
Just what is the exchange rate of keyboards for guitarists (or any species)?
Now “or” not being a very inclusive conjunction, does Sparky want this other player/entity to have some level of MPD? Or, can a prospective keyboardis simply have a very talented waterfowl perched on his shoulder?
cafe gigs pending
Given the employment rate in such places by the musical, you’d suppose they knew the job well enough to not to expect to be “gigged” for poor performance.
work with serious, mature players.
Sounds a potential EEOC situation, excluding the satirical, whimsical, comedic, et al, mature players. Unless that latter requirement is to exclude dilettante “mac daddy’s” not having reached their majorities . . .
Ya know, this could have been posted by Björk. Nah, flamingos and swans would clash horribly. Okay maybe it is Björk.
Personally, I prefer eagle bassists to flamingo guitarists. The lawsuits you get when they eat some idiot’s screaming baby are nothing compared to the cheers from the rest of the crowd. Flamingos just eat all the shrimp cocktails backstage.
How can you tell there’s a drummer at your door?
The knocking gets faster and faster and faster and faster…
I thought the answer was, “Because your 14 year old daughter is pregnant…”
How can you tell there’s a soprano at your door?
She can’t find the key, and she doesn’t know when to come in.
(I’m a soprano, and really do have a terrible sense of rhythm.)
i’m a soprano too. i find the tenors most annoying. they always have to go over their part, over and over…..most of our soprani have good sense of timing. not me however, either…..
Speaking as a female tenor… yes, the men are generally like that. Though in my choir, all the basses had tin ears… it was unfortunate.
I thought of this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f5ECaw5EsXk
See 4:43.
Q: What do you get when you cross a drummer and a roadie?
A: A really stupid roadie.
Q: How many emo boys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to smash the bulb, the other to write a long poem about how dark it is.
Q: How do you keep a goth from dancing?
A: Cut its arms off.
Note: In the following joke, the word Guitar has been substituted in, to make it relevant. It was originally Clarinet.
A zombie goes into FudTiger (because it’s Not.A.Lion.) looking for food.
He comes to the “Brains” aisle, and stops at the musical brains shelf.
He sees the following:
Baritonist Brains – $10.00/lb.
Trombonist Brains – $9.50/lb.
Floutist Brains – $9.00/lb.
Guitarist Brains – $37.99/lb.
Thinking it a mistake, our zombie calls out the manager, and inquires about it.
The manager replies, “Sir, I’m not sure you realize how many guitarists we had to kill to get an entire /pound/ of brains.”
BUT a flamingo guitar player would work so well with a gorilla filmmaker!!! (Saw a CL posting for one of those in fall of 2003.)