YSaC, Vol. 614: Up and Ottom!
2010 March 23
ottom – $20 (location)
[phone number]
This simplicity of this one reminds me a lot of the table. However, unlike with the table, the poor spelling lends itself to all SORTS of terrible puns.
“I’ve never seen that before – I wouldn’t know it from Ottom!”
“It’s filled with dynamite! Run! It’s an Ottom bomb!”
“Welcome to Quahog. I’m the mayor, Ottom West.”
“We really enjoyed visiting the Ojibwe and seeing all their Ottom poles.”
“After the first eleven models failed, we’re very happy with our Otto-M model of inflatable aircraft pilot.”
“You Unto Do Them Have Would You As Others Unto Do – that’s my ottom!”
I’ll stop now.
Your turn!
Thanks for the link, Elizabeth Joan!
That’s my favorite season.
Ottom is my favorite time of year! $20 is a bargain for a whole season!!
(George we tied) 🙂
And here I was getting ready to get all literary and quote the first lines of Keats’s “Ode to Ottom” (“Season of rests for mellow footfulness,” etc.) … but you guys beat me to the pun(ch).
For you Isaac:
Ode to Ottom
Advert of mess and gentle confusion,
Close bottom-friend of the cougar life;
Courting them whilst we all make allusion
And set upon thy post with snarky knife;
To make humorous the grim mistakes seen,
And make light the errors and CatMath in;
To burst with sarcasm and silly we
In aim to needle your fatuous Zen,
Yet in truth your Craigslist find we most keen,
For without our merriment not would glean;
Thou ottom who’s glory we ever see.
Not truely an ode to just Ottom, but perhaps a larger idea of bad Caigslist posting.
(Note: I lopped off the last two stanzas for length purposes… and because Keats’s rhyming scheme makes my head hurt).
You did the thingy with the who’s/whose again Taco—and on an Ode for Isaac to boot! And I only point that out because you dissed my Keats…
Please see me after class!
🙂
I was glad you caught that. I had to put it in there just for Issac :).
And it’s not necessarily anything wrong with Keats. I just think ABABCDEDCCE is a hard rhyming scheme to wrap one’s head around.
You could at least spell my name right, Tacco.
Oh..sure…sure…suuuuuure you did!
Who’s nose is growing now Pinocchio?
The worst part about spelling your name wrong, is that I had spelled it right, then corrected it to be wrong thinking to myself, “I always spell it wrong, well not this time!”
Damn my brain.
And whose gonna notice if my nose grows a little?
*waits for Isaac to pounce on ‘whose’*
It’s just no fun when it’s done on purpose HHNF. Taco’s spades are no longer spades anymore. I believe he’s using marbles as his trump suit cards now.
Mudslicker! You’re not supposed to call a spade a spade. It’s politically uncorrect!
Too true, tried to bid “2 round-nosed shovels” to hear ‘4 no trump” (which was all the worse for the grand slam). Ottum!
Yeah! They’re called “Shovel-Americans” now.
Note: This goes up there ^ Under HHNF’s post.
the whose/who’s moment in English 101 last semester:
I’m doing “grammar review by request” for a room of 18-year-olds who should know better. One of their requests was “whose / who’s” which we clarified rather easily (it’s like its/it’s) until one student asked “wait, what’s whos with no apostrophe? just w-h-o-s. what’s that one?”
A chorus of “yeah! what’s that one?” echoed him.
“WHOS,” I said. (it sounds like clearing one’s throat while keeping your mouth open, rhymes with Joss.) “WHOS. It’s not even a word. It’s just WHOS.”
Classroom erupts in laughter. “Say it again! Say it again!”
I shook my head in despair and moved on to there/their/they’re….
[moral of the story: College Students. They Ottom Know Better.]
HHNF: so are spades just a WHOS (rhymes with Joss) of a different color then (citing thecarie saga above)?
In TacoMagicLand, the four card suits are: hearts, diamonds, marbles and club [sammiches].
Actually we all lost the marbles here, so we only have the 3 suits. To be honest, the only suit we recognize anymore is sammich.
In a similar vein, I had an alleged college student yesterday make the grammatical error “He shot his self”. Now, I understand, that’s just dialect, it’s the way a lot of people talk.
The problem is, she made it in writing. On a Power Point slide.
Sigh.
We used to call them ‘commerce students’.
@Dan:
maybe it was an out-of-body experience? I mean, if my self escaped my body, I might have to shoot it to prevent it from running away… or something.
Ok maybe not.
thecarie may be on to something here.
The id is a slippery concept, one the jung ottoms might not grasp well.
Then, having accidentally loosed the hounds of ego, turn to firearms for prevention of the spread of rabies.
Very witty commentary, d. And HamC, too. I wonder what saraje will have to say.
I see nothing wrong here.
I know what you me, lost_compass. Any of them could be a professional comedi.
Does it come with a matching op?
No but it comes with an 8 foot ouch!
Oooh…with the accordian, and the magic leg? If so,I’m in!!
Only an accordi from what I’ve seen.
what no snake?
Either that, or a seven foot ArmWar!
This ain’t a scene, it’s a goddamn arm war?
naD ottom ruoy devoL…..
Redrum! Redrum!
Might that just be :
“Drum! Drum!”?
More like:
Redru! Redru!
Or
“Drum, redrum, reredrum”?
or would one have to be a flamingo guitarist?
I suppose this isn’t the first time Dan realized that his name backwards spells “nad”, but it is the first time I noticed. *snerk* I’m extra mature tonight.
He has his own line of Australian depilatory products.
Except that, because they’re backwards, they put nice thick hairs on your legs. Or silky legs on your hair. I’m not sure which. I never touch the stuff.
Really wish they listed some history of the thing. Did it have its own empire once? Was it decapitated, but backwards, so it’s no longer Ottoman? I NEED MORE INPUT!
It’s been emasculated.
So much for the phallologocentrism that we all admired so much…
We should form a club based on that. I’m sure we’ll get a lot of members.
I don’t know, it might be hard to get up more than a handful.
No, SJ: probably there will be so many people trying to get into the club that we’ll have to beat them off.
That many men, all popping up at the same time? I find that hard to swallow.
I think we need to come to grips with this plan. We don’t want to be premature in our estimations of success.
Yeah, we wouldn’t want to get ahead of ourselves. That could make a big mess.
The long and short of it is that we need a solid plan. I know we’re all getting excited about the large implications of this idea, but we need to get a hold of ourselves.
If we included some kind of carnal worship could that club, perhaps, become a hawt sect?
All I can say is Godâ„¢ is watching you people and she is not amused.
*tisk tisk*
Tell me all your thoughts on God, cause I’m ottoman way to see her, and ask her why we’re who we are.
I believe it’s all explained in the Book of Lucy & Ethel 23: elebenty!11!.
Oh, duh! I was referencing the Book of Kyle, chapter ninteyten, verse fitty. Thanks for clearing it all up.
I’m sure we could get tons of people to join, and come to service at least twice a week.
….Orgyst once a week.
Premature Estimations opening for Ottom with Special Guest, Sea Alice–at the 4oWatT 2NiTe only!
Charity event–cover goes to rebuild the Phallologocentrine Chapel
*hands clasped together very properly* I would like to sing Pious Orgies. (And yes, that is exactly how I introduced it when I performed it.)
Some members have a hard time getting there, so we could offer group rides. I have room for one up front and two in the rear.
If you had a little less junk in your trunk you could fit one more, as long as they don’t mind being a bit cramped.
I don’t know, with all of them in there it could be a tight fit.
How come I’m always the one who ends up cramped?
Relax, we’ll just cram them all in the back.
We have some great poker games on Saturday knights.
The great Ottoman Empire is not what it once was … the Sultan is gone, the court is dispersed, and Turkey is reduced to trying to join the EU and ineffectually summoning diplomats when other countries use the phrase “Armenian genocide.”
“Ottom” pretty much sums it up.
And then to have a footstool named after ya!
Better than having dog food named after you.
Poor Caesar.
I’m not up on my Roman history: I didn’t realize there had been a Eukanuba Caesar.
…Or have you been feeding salad to your schnauzer?
Of course, there’s also the dog food named for the God of the Old Testament: “I AM THAT IAMS,” He says…
Psst, Isaac!
http://www.cesar.com/default.aspx
I believe he’s referring to:
“All hail [me], for Iams Caesar!”
–Et tu, Brute?
–Oh none for me for I have already et.
You edited Isaac (regarding the Iams reference). *drats!* But I would have guessed that was more a Popeye, than an Old Testament, reference. Or are they one and the same?
There’s a terrific New Testament with Popeye that I think was drawn by Sean Bieri (no time to Google it; must go give an exam) … Over Popeye’s head, as he is crucified, is the label “IYAM.”
Isn’t the iYam coming out next year?
I bet it’ll be dirt cheap.
I think you’re thinking of the iNRI — sometime around Easter.
But I haven’t heard any PEEPS® about it yet.
@TacoMagic: and a salad, and a surgical procedure….. Could be worse.
If the title is a question: ottom – $20 (location)
then the answer is “bottom”. As in “I place my bottom on the ottom.”
Now to search Craigslist for a dawnzer lee light. I think Ramona has one.
I’ll take “Ottoms” for $20, Alex.
This Ottom is a type of vehicle.
Answer: What is a ottom-mobile?
Ah! A daily double! This Ottom could be found in Bhubaneswar.
Who is Ottom Koenigsberger?
A: This ottom was the hometown of Walter “Radar” O’Reilly.
Q: What is Ottom Wah, Iowa?
Well, it does appear to be a nihi footstool, so it would be apt.
I went to Ottom Wah. It was not impressive, and so I was sad. I was born of M*A*S*H nerds, so I daresay M*A*S*H-ness is hereditary.
+1 for B. Cleary reference. I still remember that line.
People I’m living with have never read her books, the horror. They look at me funny when I say, “Eat it or wear it.” (At dinnertime!)
And yes, I realize that’s Judy Blume. I meant to write, people I live with haven’t read Cleary’s or any other great books of that age genre.
I’ve (jokingly) said “eat it or wear it” to my daughter. Unfortunately, she often does both in the course of the same meal. I’m pretty sure she gets it from me.
I hate it when I leave letters off my words. It’s obvious what this guy meant by ottom. But just so everyone is clear on it, I’ll use it in a sentence:
lease pank e n he ottom. o arder! arder!
You may have something there. I’ll put an ad in Craigslist for a free room, the only thing said roomie will have to do is give me a lowjob every day. Nothing wrong can come of this, right?
Don’t forget to require everyone wear ighty-highties and forbid oxers.
I once shot an oxer in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I’ll never know.
Oxers are for morons.
Oxer was played by Am Aimi’s brother, if I remember right.
Terra cotta cheese fountaining bust inscribed
“O Look ye mortals and quake with fear
For it is I, Ozzymandius
King of y-front pants . . . ”
Amusing spelling aside, of all of the places in the house to take a picture, they had to put Ottom there? Next to the fouled up hardwood floor and the three dispensers of…..???? Did they look all over, and then decide, “Yup, this is how it’s going to look. Let’s stage it like this”?
It becomes slightly more disturbing if you consider that the spot they chose might have been the best one in their entire house.
Someplace with no hostages, you mean?
Or freshly unearthed corpses, yes.
Could be a zombie household. That would explain the copious stains and plentiful lotion supply. In that context, posting stuff on CraigsList almost makes sense. The buyer comes by, expecting to purchase a large cushioned stool, only to unwittingly become a brain delivery service.
Anyone willing to fall for that isn’t going to be a very high-quality brain. Do you think they really want those?
… Hmm. I wonder if stupid or smart brains taste different. Does IQ have a flavor? Do zombies have a preference, or are they basically like teenage boys regarding free beer and sex: as much as possible?
According to the bastion of scientifically-verified knowledge that is “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies”, zombies will happily eat cauliflower for quite a while before realising it is not.a.brain, so I don’t think the average CL buyer would stand much chance of escape.
The taste buds are probably one of the first things to go. I’d imagine it’s more of a “quantity rather than quality” situation.
I think those may be bottles of lotion.
The ottom is by itself with plenty of elbow room (and various other body parts) . Those white marks on the floor may not be all scuffs. Which means possibly…..I am so not going there.
Before I found YSaC my mind would have never wandered down such bleach requiring paths. OK, maybe that’s not true. But that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
They should have at least put that lotion in a basket or something.
What?
you beat me to that one TM, I was just about to go with “it puts the lotion on it’s skin” etc.
It puts the lotion on the ottom, or it gets the ose again.
Awesome.
Lotion on the ottom sounds like more fun than should be allowed.
It does have that sad look of being after an estate sale.
Which might explain why there is naught but a footstool, a wastepaper basket, and some haircare supplies left.
Or, the Board of Licensing and Registration had just raided another unlicensed hair salon, and this is what was not taken into evidence.
Just post-raid on an unlicensed foot-massage parlor, perhaps?
I searched the ottom of the barrel for some semi-witty remark but came up with nada.
An ottom mother is heart to find.
Well done.
I’d comment, but this one’s ottom my league.
Criticize all you want. I think the ottom-aton listed itself and didn’t do a bad job, for a footstool.
Hey, man. We need some money to buy some weed, man. We should sell that footstool thing, man.
The what thing, man?
You know, the little seat thing, man. What do they call that, man?
An ottoman?
Yeah, an ottom, man!
ottom – $20
Damn, you Depressy. Stay off my computer!
Hey, I just had a great (if OT) idea: Depressy v. Hypno-Cat match. Who will survive?
*caffeine rapidly wears off again*
*caffeine rapidly wears off again*
Sadly it does.
I know mine just went splody for having Kurosawa’s Drunken Angel on and then getting Futurama hypnotoad rememories wrasslin’ in some sort of ottom cage match.
Aiiyi, mi cabezza est queso y yo no Lionel estoy.
Meow can take him… Too much trouble… Meow rather nap…
Ottom and Eave were hanging out in the Garden of Eatin’, admiring God’s creations, especially the majestic not.a.lion. From out of the sofa emerged a snake who said, “Yo Eave, I have red table for sale! Take it for free!”
I just almost choked. Or maybe gagged.
Is any of you getting an ad with Sarah Palin’s grimace where there ought to be “Cougar Life”?
Nope, just the regular Cougars…dude, you gotta back off da meds….or bring enough to share with the whole class.
You sure that isn’t the same ad, Isaac?
Woo-hoo! I got in the don’t suck box!! I know that means I get punched, but I have NO idea what that means. Someone please to essplain?
It means you’re one punch closer to getting the free coffee!
Awesome!!
I actually know a guy named Otto M. Somehow, I think he might be a tad dismayed to find out he’s being sold for $20 on Craigslist.
Is he invisible? ‘Cause I would totally pay $20 for my own invisible man.
No, he’s not invisible, he’s just a master of camouflage. In this picture, he looks exactly like a footstool.
There are 26 people in this picture. None of whom can be seen.
Every real scientist knows that ottoms cannot be seem with the naked eye.
“Mr. Ken Andrews, of Leighton Road, Slough, could you please stand up?”
Ottom! He blew up!
It just begs the question:
“Whose gonna blow up next?”
*Flees*
“May the good Lord take a shine t’ya and blow ya’ up good, real soon, y’hear?”
Ah. late-night SCTV, long missed but not for ottom.
*Fleas*
*totally off-topic, but almost worth the read*
Our power has been out for two days, due to teenage shenanigans at several transformers. Transformers don’t like being cut into, I guess. They go all Decepticon on you. Anyways. After making my unshowered, gross way to work, I realized that several people were missing, including the foreman’s daughter, who checks us in and sets us up with firewatches and hotwork checks, so we can, you know, do our job. She has a large van and gives people in our area rides to work. We called her cell since the landlines weren’t working. She answered, all surprised that her cell phone worked. So it begins. She was asked if it would take her awhile longer to get ready since the power was out. By now, it’s daylight. She said she couldn’t brush her teeth or hair or wash her face since the power was out. The incredulous new guy on our end was explaining to her that yes, she could. The water works and she has a bathroom with windows. After much more of this kind of explaining, he finally asked if we should just tell the boss that she wanted a day off since her excuses were so stupid. She then started talking to him as if he were a stupid 5 yr old, and said very slowly, ‘And just HOW am I supposed to GET there? How many times have I told you that the POWER is OUT. I’m not walking and the buses aren’t running.’
By now, half the shop is standing around the phone.
Then guy asks, ‘What’s wrong with the van?’
Now she gets indignant and starts with the insults. She wants to talk to someone with a god damned brain. She has explained several times that the power is out. How stupid can he be? If he wants to come give her a ride, fine, but he’ll have to pick up the people that she carpools with since their power is out too, and when she gets there, she’s having her father fire his dumb ass, since someone so dumb shouldn’t be working with power tools, let alone walking and talking at the same time. Right.
Our guy said, ‘You DO know that a power outage doesn’t affect your car, right? Everyone else from your neighborhood drove.’
*silence on both ends*
The laughter. Lots and lots of snorting, gasping, table-banging laughter.
She got mad and hung up.
This woman works in a nuclear shipyard. And makes a ton of money.
I work for a hospital. I’d tell you similar stories about the doctors I work with, but then you’d never go for medical help when you needed it.
I won’t tell you about the nurse who thought it was rude when the intake nurse told her my daughter was SOB when she had pneumonia.
As for the stupid bitch with no electricity – I had a power outage on the same day as a job interview. Because I had daylight, even though I couldn’t wash my hair I could fix it, put on makeup, put on a skirt suit and stockings, and leave the house on time.
I got the job. In fact, I still have it.
I work for lawyers who can cut and paste an address into an email and then send it to us requesting that we get them the document available in the page link. Which was available to them simply by clicking on it when they were at the page, and which would have been much quicker to get had they done so, instead of copy/pasting the link, composing the message, and sending it – and then waiting for the response.
My coworker and I just stared at each other for a bit after confirming that this really was the situation, and then we rolled our eyes and shook our heads. Job security, I guess. It took, at most, about 15 seconds to fulfill the request.
Oh and this particular individual very likely makes at least a million a year and quite probably makes more than that. He takes home more in a month than I do in a year.
When I was at Uni, one of my law lecturers once told me that the best way to make people think you’re super crash hot successful is to make stupid requests which take more time in the making than doing the thing yourself. He said the inanity of this is why he ended up teaching, rather than earning the $$$. It’s also why we never asked him for information on cases, etc., as he’d reply with “Dear Jen, http://www.google.com. Sincerely, Geoff.”
Jen, did I mention that I can’t stand that guy, and people like him/the ones to which you refer?
The last firm I was at, everything but everything was delegated, to the point where I couldn’t figure out what the people at the top did. Presumably they billed $800/hr. for the luxury of thinking, unencumbered utterly by the tedia of committing any acts remotely resembling work.
That, and handling mortgage investment carve-ups. When the economy started crashing, the financial news started to sound a little bit familiar, per terms I’d had to research.
I’m sure that’s one of those Laws of Management – that the further down the pay scale you go, the more work you find being done. When I interned in a law firm, I never bothered to ask the partners anything, as they never knew. Their secretaries, on the other hand, could not only cite chapter and verse by heart, but could also direct you to the precedent folder and alert you to recent legislative developments.
As far as I could tell, 90% of the big-name lawyers’ time was spent being wheeled out to impress big clients or frighten stubborn/worthy opposing counsel. Oh, and drink coffee. Lots of coffee. We should’ve just stuffed them, would’ve saved on water bills.
I had the medical year from hell a couple of years ago. I had gone into the hospital for the third time and was being prepped for surgery. My brother was with me. The nurse came in to get me set up for an IV. I gave her the heads up that I had small veins and people had a problem with getting needles in. My brother stated that, he too, had been told that he was difficult with needles and said that our dad had mentioned issues. The nurse said she was a pro and would get it in on the first try. Of course, she didn’t and then dared ask me if I was a former drug abuser because that would make it difficult. Hello?!? The fact that you were just told that two siblings and their father all have the same problem doesn’t compute that it may be a family thing?
I didn’t say anything. Just rolled my eyes. I didn’t want to tick her off while she was trying to stick a needle in me.
And for even more dangerous cynicism, get involved in emergent medicine.
Makes DiY medical care look all the more appealing.
But, perhaps, I have been around one too many hospital ottoms.
Hmm, maybe there’s a nifty untapped market in getting barristers plastinated–it would make the coffee clean-up easier, if nothing else.
Many of the staff are just recreating Weekend at Bernie’s as is, so the wheels of the legal industry ought keep turning.
I can sort of see assuming there would be no water if she had a well(I do, when the power goes out we have NOTHING) but brushing her hair? Since when are hairbrushes electrical appliances?
I suddenly feel the need to build a bomb shelter in my back yard.
If you need plans for your shelter, I can help.
Just don’t be confused when they are labeled
“Ottom-proof Armwar, hunting attire not included-16”
We should pawn her off to Al-Qaeda.
PS
I know I should have posted this in the Forums, but I’m all non-conformist-y today.
*waits for drmk to kill me*
Look out HHNF, it’s a trap!
Is that a box propped on a twig with…. figs underneath? Yay!
Ottom leaves of red and gold?
Ten points to Gryffindor, Miss Awesome.
Guys, check this out: we got a shout-out today on the blog of Dan Piraro, the cartoonist who draws Bizarro. Piraro is a funny guy and a terrific cartoonist. How great that he loves drmk and Dan!
Oh. My. God. (Said without irony, or abbreviation.)
I have been reading/looking at Dan Piraro’s work since I was in high school – about twenty years. I recently introduced a coworker to his work when my parents sent me some of his earlier books! Thank you, Isaac!
And thank you Mr. Piraro for liking this blog as much as we do!
Seriously? I’m squeeing all over the place!
Seriously. I put a link in the comment before. Here it is again.
Sadly, my intended use of the word “Seriously?” doesn’t come across well on the internet. It was supposed to convey a sort of “You guys …” preamble to the following sentence. But it didn’t.
Intent fail.
Hey, everyone look busy! Piraro’s watching!
*Wipes counter furiously and whistles innocently…
Haha!
‘I hate you, you’re ugly and stupid and mean!’
One of us! One of us! Dan Piraro is One of us! 8) *waves* I believe I have seen him at Comic Con a time or two. Love the comics.
I think that’s a different Bizarro you’re thinking of, there, HHNF.
No, that’s what he said in the blog!
Oh, right. I forgot about that. Because apparently I have the short-term memory of a labrador retriever.
“Even though I have just met you, you are my very best friend. Squirrel!”
Dang, you guys always take all the good snark.
Around here, snark is like Mae West. When it’s good, it’s very, very good, and when it’s bad, it’s better…
And when it is bad, it gets torrid.
Okay, so that will be one punch for CJ, one squee to go for drmk, rooms for Lola, Jen, HHNF, Taco, Isaaaac, sarajean, and Mudsie, and a few extra penis jokes all around.
Thanks, Windrose, but I am in a room already.
Is it the kind with padded walls?
How did you know?
Are you watching me?!?
*(Glances furtively around while folding new tin foil beanie)*
I am not a schizophrenic.
(But I am.)
one thing’s for sure, he sure hit rock ottom…..