YSaC, Vol. 666: The power of Craigslist compels you.

2010 May 14

This one is actually from eBay, but people suck there as well so I thought I could include it here. It’s after the jump because it’s a little bit graphic.

(Sorry for the late post…drmk’s at a conference, and I just noticed she can’t count to 14 – Dan)

(Oops. Sorry. -drmk)

Haunted Seductrist Sadistic Ruthless Porcelain Doll


Last chance to own this beautiful haunted doll! *BEWARE This is a larger (about 16 inches high), beautiful, bisque porcelain doll. The doll was found 7 years ago, in an abandoned barn where ritualistic satanism was performed on a regular basis. She is haunted by a demon whose sexually sadistic nature tends to be very rough, sometimes outright ruthless. This doll can actually interact with you physically, along with psychically, which can be brutally painful, but always ends with tremendous carnal pleasure. She has a specific trigger, which awakens her every time, and tells her you’re ready. I’ll tell you by email, just ask. She has several severe sexual fetishes, which include asphyxiation, water sports, and media fetishes to both latex and leather. I can’t go into detail here, but this doll is sexually barbarous, and wickedly exhausting. She is active in other ways as well, she undresses and moves herself often, moans, screams, and sometimes changes the tv channels to xxx rated shows, even if you don’t subscribe to any. She will become dangerously angry if you try to lock her away, or put her somewhere she can’t see people, so please use extreme caution. Must be at least 18 years old and mentally competent to bid. I’ll ship anywhere.

I mean, who wouldn’t want a sexually sadistic porcelain doll that’s potentially possessed by Satan? I bet you that your mother-in-law would visit a LOT less if you had this doll around … or possibly more; I guess it depends on your mother-in-law’s particular proclivities, doesn’t it?

Thanks for the submission, Paul!

161 Responses leave one →
  1. 2010 May 14
    TacoMagic permalink

    My friend Chuck is VERY interested…

    Adores: 19
    • 2010 May 14
      A. Lion permalink

      Hey! I see a resemblance.

      Chucky XI: Cross-Dressed to Kill

      Adores: 6
    • 2010 May 14
      LimeLolly permalink

      Doesn’t Chucky already have a girlfriend?? Oh man, is that bad news!

      OT: Some guy thought Chucky 2 was a great first date with me. It was the last and only date.

      Adores: 8
      • 2010 May 14
        sarajean80 permalink

        Ugh, I feel for you. I got taken to Saw.

        (Great movie, but fiendishly clever disemboweling does not a great date movie make.)

        Adores: 4
        • 2010 May 14
          LimeLolly permalink

          Exactly.. it makes going out to eat afterward pretty… disconcerting to say the least.

          I am not a horror or chick flick on the first date kinda gal. Means the guy absolutely did not pay attention to the things I shared about myself. So therefore, he is a moron. Luckily, I married a guy that does a reasonable imitation of listening. :)

          Adores: 7
      • 2010 May 14
        CapnMac permalink

        If that was the only date you’ve ever had, better make another pitcher of margaritas . . .

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 May 14
          sarajean80 permalink

          Nyet good Cap’n, nor was it the worse I’ve ever had.

          But it is Friday and I’m on vacation next week, so fill ‘er up!

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 May 14
          TacoMagic permalink

          First actual date with TacoMa’am was “James Bond: Die Another Day” We started snarkin on the movie about halfway through… it was awesome in a horrible date movie kinda way.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 May 14
          LimeLolly permalink

          *holds out gallon mug for drink*

          What the heck.
          I’m on vacation next week too.

          Adores: 0
  2. 2010 May 14
    Colleen in MA permalink

    Another Christmas present out of the way!!!

    Adores: 11
    • 2010 May 14
      TacoMagic permalink

      You always get me the nicest things, Colleen.

      Adores: 2
    • 2010 May 14
      sarajean80 permalink

      It’s the perfect companion to last year’s antique Crisco.

      Adores: 0
      • 2010 May 14
        TacoMagic permalink

        I apologize ahead of time for the following:

        I’ve got a Demon doll covered in Crisco and nowhere to shove it.

        Adores: 15
        • 2010 May 14
          sarajean80 permalink

          *waves hand in the air*
          Oooh, pick me, pick me! I can tell you where to put it!

          Adores: 16
  3. 2010 May 14
    Bianchi Sound permalink

    OK, I’m kinda freaked out by my powers of prophecy.

    http://www.yousuckatcraigslist.com/?p=4575#comment-41300

    I must use my powers for good…

    BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    Adores: 4
    • 2010 May 14
      TacoMagic permalink

      In reply to my reply to the comment you linked:

      I wonder if I could transfer the demon soul to my Real Doll. That would make things way more interesting at home.

      You’re welcome Bianchi.

      Adores: 0
      • 2010 May 14
        CapnMac permalink

        Gee, Lars, that’s going to change how the movie ends . . .

        Adores: 3
        • 2010 May 14
          sarajean80 permalink

          I wonder if that will be the sequel?

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 May 14
          CapnMac permalink

          Oh wow, hestitate to even type it lest the holly-weird embrace the suck of it for real…nut i have this compulsions nad cannot stop my fingers.
          Scene: Graveyard
          Zoom into headstone over Binaca’s grave. Slow hold on name and plot
          The ground trembles, the sod breaking up from below, to reveal
          Bianca’s Arm!
          The fingers clench in rage and become a fist
          Music swells
          Roll Opening credits
          Bianca: Rage on Ice

          Adores: 5
  4. 2010 May 14

    “Must be . . . mentally competent”

    Now we know why they have to get rid of it.

    Adores: 8
    • 2010 May 14
      sarajean80 permalink

      How exactly would one test a buyer’s mental competentcy before selling them a HAUNTED TOY? Is there some kind of questionnaire that is sent out before you bid?

      Question 1 – Are you attempting to purchase a HAUNTED TOY?

      Question 2 – Did you answer “No” to Question #1 in hopes of passing this test?

      Question 3 – Really? You know it’s a DOLL, right?

      Question 4 – If you made it this far, you deserve to waste your money on a HAUNTED TOY.

      Adores: 18
      • 2010 May 14

        Sadly, this is but one of many of these dolls this person has listed…

        *crawls back under covers*

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 May 14
          sweetbiscuit permalink

          CJ,
          I’m curious. Do they actually sell?

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 May 14
          sarajean80 permalink

          I just did an eBay search for “Haunted Porcelain Doll” and there are 22 of the danged things on there.
          I weep for humanity.

          sweetbiscuit: Most have zero bids, a handful have as many as 11.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 May 14
          sweetbiscuit permalink

          Thanks SJ. I just had a look. I’m not weeping for humanity – I’m scared of it! Did you read the info on the doll with 11 bids? I’m most CL posters seem sane!

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 May 14
          sarajean80 permalink

          I’ve read a couple; it seems the higher the starting price is, the more “creative” the description gets.

          Adores: 0
      • 2010 May 14
        CapnMac permalink

        I’ll guess that the “competent” bidders have a note saying so from their doctor . . .

        Adores: 2
  5. 2010 May 14
    TacoMagic permalink

    Oh so many places I could go with this. But, for the sake of keeping this site PG-13…ish I’ll just pick apart a few lines:

    Lets start with the last one:

    Must be at least 18 years old and mentally competent to bid.

    I think the poster just excluded himself from being able own this. Maybe that’s why he’s selling it.

    …haunted doll!

    Haunted dolls don’t let you take their picture, everyone knows that. I’m beginning to question the legitimacy of this haunting.

    …and sometimes changes the tv channels to xxx rated shows, even if you don’t subscribe to any…

    Nice save there sparky. “There always seem to be xxx rated shows on my TV when I get home. Not that I subscribe to any. None at all. No magazines or DVDs either. Honest.”

    She will become dangerously angry if you try to lock her away, or put her somewhere she can’t see people, so please use extreme caution. | I’ll ship anywhere.

    So… she’s ok with being put in a box then?

    Adores: 20
    • 2010 May 14
      Lethe permalink

      TM, they ship using the S&M Haunted Doll Courier Service. Delivery gimp arrives with the doll handcuffed to its arm.

      Adores: 13
      • 2010 May 14
        TacoMagic permalink

        It all makes horrible, horrible sense now.

        *Cowers under his desk*

        Adores: 3
        • 2010 May 14
          LimeLolly permalink

          TM, I hope you’ve made room for the rest of us.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 May 14
          EclecticBlue permalink

          My cowokers and I figured out that we could probably fit 7 or 8 adults under my desk, if someone gets shoved into the corner. Hopefully TM’s desk is as big as his massive link ;-)

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 May 14
          CapnMac permalink

          Hide all you want; resistance is futile and you will be horrified!

          Adores: 2
      • 2010 May 14

        I’m not sure if it exists anymore, but for a very long time, there was a company in my hometown called S&M Trucking. They would totally ship it.

        Adores: 5
        • 2010 May 14
          CapnMac permalink

          Used to be an “S&M Body Shop” in town, but they closed before I could send the photo to the National Lampoon (yes, this was before arpanet).

          Adores: 0
  6. 2010 May 14

    *BEWARE<ABSOLUTELY NOT FOR BEGINNERS<EXPERIENCED ONLY*

    Damn.
    I sooo wanted a beginner version for one who wants to become addicted to haunted porcelain dolls.

    *ALL HAIL THE PSYCHO-DOLLS*

    Adores: 9
    • 2010 May 14
      sarajean80 permalink

      I imagine the beginner’s version only likes some light spanking and a little handcuff action while flicking the lights off and on.

      Adores: 18
      • 2010 May 14
        Lola permalink

        Spacebug, I’m sure there’s a “Haunted Satanic Dolls for Beginners/Dummies” out there, packaged with a starter doll. Keep looking …

        Adores: 6
  7. 2010 May 14
    sarajean80 permalink

    So…This “doll” has all sorts of fetishes, but doesn’t like being locked up? Is it claustrophobic as well as being possessed by the spawn of the damned? You would think those two things would be mutually exclusive.

    Adores: 1
    • 2010 May 14
      TacoMagic permalink

      Hey, that’s extremely narrow minded of you, SJ; fetishistic Satan sex dolls with a Napoleon complex have feelings too. I bet she’s crying into her domino mask right now looking at her cat of nine-tails with nobody to whip, feeling all lonely and dejected.

      Some people just have no sensitivity.

      /matt

      Adores: 0
      • 2010 May 14
        Innana permalink

        Perhaps they need more….discipline.

        Adores: 5
      • 2010 May 14
        sarajean80 permalink

        Yes, I have a deep and shameful prejudice against possessed playthings.

        Oooh, “Possessed Playthings Prejudice” would make an excellent band name! (And a dandy tongue-twister.)

        Adores: 3
    • 2010 May 14
      Innana permalink

      Also, she’s ruthless and sadistic, but waits for the equivalent of “Simon Says” before she revs up?

      Adores: 4
      • 2010 May 14
        sarajean80 permalink

        She must be from the polite side of Hell.

        Adores: 17
  8. 2010 May 14
    Innana permalink

    Wait — didn’t I see this on “Twilight Zone — The Director’s Cut”?

    Adores: 0
    • 2010 May 14
      Innana permalink

      No, I’ve got it: the American Girl series, Burkettville edition.

      Adores: 4
      • 2010 May 14
        Lola permalink

        Blair Witch Barbie.

        Adores: 12
        • 2010 May 14
          CapnMac permalink

          Band name of the day FTW

          Blair Witch Barbies

          (O the horror the horror of the stage lighting . . . )

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 May 14
          sarajean80 permalink

          Epic. Win.

          That would be only Barbie I would willingly buy.

          Adores: 0
      • 2010 May 14
        Windrose permalink

        Ouch! How badly was the director cut? Will he make another movie? *starts to sharpen her knife collection*

        Adores: 3
    • 2010 May 14
      sarajean80 permalink

      I think it was “Creepshow – The Extended Edition”, right between Stephen King covered in space fungus and the bug thing.

      Adores: 0
    • 2010 May 14
      LimeLolly permalink

      Talking Tina doll from Twilight Zone was actually creepier looking.

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 May 14
        sarajean80 permalink

        For a second I thought that said “Talking Tina from Twilight was actually creepier looking.”

        That would actually have been an improvement.

        Adores: 5
        • 2010 May 14
          Limelolly permalink

          There is no improving that episode.

          Adores: 1
  9. 2010 May 14

    Reminds me of this:

    http://www.jonathancoulton.com/songdetails/Creepy%20Doll

    Adores: 1
  10. 2010 May 14
    Bianchi Sound permalink

    I picture the process of discovering the doll’s secret word working like You Bet Your Life, but instead of a toy duck resembling Groucho Marx with $100, you would be physically and psychically raped by a doll.

    Adores: 3
    • 2010 May 14
      TacoMagic permalink

      They’re so similar they might as well be the same.

      Adores: 1
      • 2010 May 14
        sarajean80 permalink

        Do they both involve a duck?
        ‘Cause I don’t see that listed on the doll’s List ‘O Fetishes.
        Unless that falls under “water sports”.

        Adores: 6
        • 2010 May 14
          Bridgete permalink

          Well, if the doll weighs the same as a duck, doesn’t that mean she’s evil? Or, wait…that’s to check if someone’s a witch, I think the evil doll check is a chicken.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 May 14
          sarajean80 permalink

          *checks Big Book of Witchcraft*
          This says “pygmy marmoset”, but I think you can substitute a bantam chicken if you’re out of those.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 May 14
          Lola permalink

          Sarajean, I so want to see the conversion/substitution tables in that book! “1 black pullet OR …”

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 May 14
          sarajean80 permalink

          *hides book*
          Sorry, I’m not letting this thing out of my sight. I had to dance in a grove of birch trees during a full moon wearing the only the blood of an unbaptized two-headed goat to get it. Those eBay sellers are getting so damn peculiar

          Adores: 12
        • 2010 May 14
          TacoMagic permalink

          Hey, you were at my party. Could have sworn I saw you there.

          Adores: 8
        • 2010 May 14
          CapnMac permalink

          Not just peculiar, but particular, too.

          Oh, and do not forget it is against Springfield law to put marmosets in your trousers, except for the purposes of wagering.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 May 14
          TacoMagic permalink

          It’s also against written law to put squirrels in your pants explicitly for the purpose of betting.

          Gambling Porpoise would be an awesome band name.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 May 14
          CapnMac permalink

          Gamboling Porpoise have no shot at ever being spelt right, naturally

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 May 14
          Windrose permalink

          What if ONE of the two goat heads was accidentally baptized? I seem to be in a questionable mood this evening.

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 May 15
          CapnMac permalink

          It’s the sighing of all those tiny leather snuggies . . .

          Adores: 0
  11. 2010 May 14
    Innana permalink

    I think we found new keywords for “Every Man’s Battle”.

    Adores: 4
  12. 2010 May 14
    Camille permalink

    Translation: I haven’t been able to sell this run-of-the-mill porcelain doll to the doll-collector market for anything like what I think it ought to be worth. I will therefore make up an idiotic back story about an abandoned barn and a cult of Satanists so that I can convince some lonely, gullible loser to believe that he can either 1) have carnal relations with this thing or 2) get access to free pron, if he overpays me for an item he otherwise wouldn’t look twice at.

    Adores: 7
    • 2010 May 14
      TacoMagic permalink

      I was getting that vibe myself.

      Mostly because he didn’t even TRY to make it look like one of the “ghost doll” pictures where the film is all over exposed and wonky.

      I mean if you’re going to con people, at least put in the effort.

      Adores: 3
      • 2010 May 14
        sarajean80 permalink

        Gee, if only there was some sort of global system of interconnected computer networks out there that had readily accessible pron already, then the buyer wouldn’t have to purchase a kinky doll that would violate him repeatedly.

        Adores: 6
        • 2010 May 14
          CapnMac permalink

          Probably some sub set of Rule 34, that there’s a version for sale as well as for free . . .

          Adores: 0
      • 2010 May 14
        CapnMac permalink

        “Put in the effort”? Actually, all of the “haunted” listings look about the same (tho- all the effort to make those long long long long long long long long long long long listings does suggest compulsion).

        I’m very much afraid to search for porcelain dolls without specifying haunted and compare the sellers. (In all fairness, I’m not tough enough to search for “not haunted” dolls, either–could be an icky market to sell to.)

        Adores: 2
        • 2010 May 14
          sarajean80 permalink

          There’s a lot more non-haunted, 16802, than haunted. The only difference I can see is that the non-haunted auctions don’t blather on for a thousand paragraphs about how the doll “feels”.

          *giggles*
          I found a porcelain Scotty!

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 May 14
          CapnMac permalink

          Did you find any that were, ah, “pre-haunted” as in available, but not yet possessed?

          I’m afraid to use the obvious search terms, even on eBay.

          Adores: 1
  13. 2010 May 14
    Lola permalink

    I totally want to know how they know the doll, found in an abandoned barn, was used in Satanic rituals. Shouldn’t it look more like something you’d buy at Hot Topic, or at the very least Emily the Strange? This one just looks like the action figure of some stuck-up madam from “Deadwood” or something (albeit, one who will do a few kinky things for some extra nuggets of gold). I’m disappointed that at minimum she doesn’t have a shaved head or Kiss-like makeup or some fetish objects pictured with her. If this person is serious (and not trying to take advantage of the gullible), I fear the haunted item in this situation is their own brain. Somewhere, Anton LaVey and Kenneth Anger are weeping.

    Adores: 3
    • 2010 May 14
      TacoMagic permalink

      It’s always the quiet dolls who dress conservatively…

      Adores: 3
      • 2010 May 14
        mudslicker permalink

        The Evil is contained in the petticoat. I bet she went to Catholic school.

        Satan’s Petticoat.

        Friday’s band name?

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 May 14
          TacoMagic permalink

          We’ve really been hitting the band names pretty hard tonight. I don’t think the llamanun will be able to respect us in the morning.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 May 14
          sarajean80 permalink

          Tonight only, at the 40 Watt!

          Satan’s Petticoat, opening for Blair Witch Barbie!

          (That looks…odd.)

          Adores: 8
        • 2010 May 14
          Lola permalink

          Odd, or oddly apropos?

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 May 14
          mudslicker permalink

          Today’s post finally came online during a drinky-poo lunch meeting. I’m having trouble getting up to speed. I should leave the band naming to better heads today.

          Satanic Tressy seems to be less ruthless and haunted than Sparky’s excuse to get his rocks off by posting sweaty CL ads.

          Adores: 0
    • 2010 May 14

      Well, at least they could have known about the “water sports” fetish. That might have been obvious in a number of ways.

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 May 14
        TacoMagic permalink

        I’m beginning to suspect that “Water Sports” doesn’t mean Polo and free style diving.

        *Squints eyes*

        Adores: 4
        • 2010 May 14
          sarajean80 permalink

          Why don’t you try Googling that and see what happens.

          Oh, better yet, check the Urban Dictionary!

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 May 14
          TacoMagic permalink

          Ok!

          *Click*

          *Eyes tear up and lip quivers*

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 May 14
          mudslicker permalink

          I smell therapy.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 May 14
          Lola permalink

          Really? I’ve always wondered what therapy smells like. A couch?

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 May 14
          LimeLolly permalink

          Therapy smells like: peppermint, latex and sweaty socks

          Well, he said he was a therapist.

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 May 14
          sarajean80 permalink

          Electro-shock therapy smells like burning feathers.

          Er… Or so I hear.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 May 14
          Bianchi Sound permalink

          “Electro-shock therapy smells like burning feathers…”

          And taste like chicken.

          Adores: 0
    • 2010 May 14
      CapnMac permalink

      Well, there is that aspect of demonic possession that is the degredation of what looks to be ordinary, or innocent, or otherwise unsullied.

      But, you have also echoed my thought, of what sort of divining rods do you takes to the estate/garage/sheriff’s austion to find these items?

      Was the seller trolling obscure news stories in newspaper morgues?

      Adores: 0
  14. 2010 May 14
    A. Lion permalink

    Mmmmmmm, porcelain bisque…

    Adores: 3
    • 2010 May 14
      sarajean80 permalink

      I found it gritty, yet refined.

      Adores: 3
  15. 2010 May 14
    A. Lion permalink

    A doll. That’s into water sports.

    This begs some questions.

    Wouldn’t the chlorine from the pool bleach her dress and hat?

    Are her hands even big enough to hold a water polo ball?

    I doubt she can even swim.

    Adores: 4
  16. 2010 May 14
    whit nestor .tanks permalink

    OK “beg the question” does not mean make one wonder.
    It’s a logical term, meaning the answer does not correlate to the question. At least here in El Paso.

    Adores: 2
    • 2010 May 14
      A. Lion permalink

      Ok, you got me.

      Speaking of begging – Say hi to your mom.

      Adores: 0
      • 2010 May 14
        whit nestor .tanks permalink

        Unworthy of you, A. Lion. Not up to YSAC practice!

        Adores: 0
        • 2010 May 14
          A. Lion permalink

          You may be right. I’ll go to my corner and think about what I’ve done.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 May 14
          sarajean80 permalink

          If you need some additional discipline, I know where you can find someone who’s into that sort of thing. She’s a real doll.

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 May 14
          TacoMagic permalink

          *Ba-dum ching*

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 May 14
          sarajean80 permalink

          Thank you! I’ll be here all week! Remember to tip your waitresses!

          Adores: 0
    • 2010 May 14
      Lola permalink

      Corey/Matt! Hi!

      Adores: 0
      • 2010 May 14
        whit nestor .tanks permalink

        Hi, Lola.

        Adores: 0
        • 2010 May 14
          Lola permalink

          *shakes flask*
          It’s full, want some?

          Adores: 0
      • 2010 May 14
        sarajean80 permalink

        I think you need to use a bigger Sarcasm Stick, Lola.
        Wanna borrow mine?
        *Holds up ten pound sledge*

        Adores: 0
        • 2010 May 14
          Lola permalink

          Wait ’til he can feel the alcohol. 8) You don’t want to break in newbs too harshly.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 May 14
          TacoMagic permalink

          So that’s where the Joke hammer went…

          I always seem to forget who had it last. Coincidence I’m sure.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 May 14
          whit nestor. tanks permalink

          Guess I should say “bye”, huh?

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 May 14
          TacoMagic permalink

          Just don’t feed the commenters. It’s best to keep them afraid of humanity lest they become partially domesticated and dependent on the interaction.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 May 14
          Lola permalink

          Only if you want us to joke about you behind your back after you’re gone. Far, far better to stick around and defend yourself when we snark to your face. Own that snark and give it back to us (yes, I realize that’s somewhat contradictory; humor me).

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 May 14
          TacoMagic permalink

          Yup, I’ve got a whole entourage of people who follow my post’s just to point out when I misuse the apostrophe.

          I know it’s done with love. And if it isn’t done with love at least I have my delusions.

          Adores: 10
  17. 2010 May 14
    LimeLolly permalink

    Strangely enough, my mother informed me the other day that she found a porcelain doll in the closet of my old bedroom. She asked me if I still wanted it, but after this post… I think I’ll pass or reenact Joan of Arc. Maybe I should send a proper Blessing kit to my mother too.

    Adores: 2
    • 2010 May 14
      sarajean80 permalink

      I did the Joan of Arc thing with a Barbie in high school, those things go up scary-fast.

      Adores: 0
      • 2010 May 14
        TacoMagic permalink

        *Grabs his blow torch and heads out*

        *Beep Beep Boop*

        “Yeah, Sis? Do you still have that tub of naked barbies? No reason really. Hey, while I have you on the phone, I thought I’d come over for a visit.”

        Adores: 2
        • 2010 May 14
          sarajean80 permalink

          Be sure to round up any impressionable youngsters in the neighborhood. Just call it a “safety demonstration”.

          Adores: 3
  18. 2010 May 14

    cue ♪ ♪ *Bette Davis Eyes*

    Her skin a porcelain bisque
    And has satanic ties
    So if you’ll take the risk
    She wants you for her prize
    She moves herself and moans
    So if you’re sane and bold
    Seductrist you can hold
    She wants you for her prize

    And she’ll beat you
    She’ll exhaust you
    Any fetish to please you
    She’s barbarous
    And you’ll know what trigger it
    Takes to make her mine hors
    She asphyxiates with thighs
    She wants you for her prize

    She watches xxx shows
    It brings the demon out
    She’ll smack you to the floor
    She wants you for her prize
    She’ll be brutally painful
    For your carnal desire
    Until you’re ritualized
    She wants you for her prize

    She’ll haunt you
    When she wants you
    Off your feet to lay leather on you
    She’s ferocious
    And she knows just what it
    Takes to make you hurt thus
    She’s just sixteen inches high
    She wants you for her prize

    Adores: 6
  19. 2010 May 14
    sarajean80 permalink

    I just realized it’s post #666! How appropos! I can’t help but wonder if the Llamanun planned it that way.

    Adores: 2
    • 2010 May 14
      Dan permalink

      Yes. Yes she did.

      Adores: 0
      • 2010 May 14
        TacoMagic permalink

        *Gasp!*

        Adores: 1
      • 2010 May 14
        CapnMac permalink

        explains the red text, too

        Adores: 0
      • 2010 May 14
        Windrose permalink

        You want me to believe she can’t count to 14 but knows when it’s 666? Okay.

        Adores: 1
  20. 2010 May 14
    LimeLolly permalink

    I really believe that doll is haunted and possessed.
    When you have the picture onscreen, the eyes follow you wherever you move. I swear, I refreshed the screen, and it was SMILING. Ack!!

    Adores: 2
    • 2010 May 14
      sarajean80 permalink

      Honey, how many margaritas have you had?

      Adores: 0
      • 2010 May 14
        LimeLolly permalink

        Not enough… I’m still typoing legibibily, aeren’t I?

        Adores: 2
        • 2010 May 14
          TacoMagic permalink

          Try using your mug to type.

          9i5r mqaik3a t5yh8i ntga 2wqa6 yhqa4red3we4 59o 4r3eaqqed.

          (Translation: It makes things way harder to read.)

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 May 14
          LimeLolly permalink

          mklaYHnel;ajysyysysysyshfheje

          translation (I see dead people)

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 May 14
          sarajean80 permalink

          *looks in pocket*

          Me too! I see Lincoln, and Washington,and Roosevelt, and a buffalo! I’m not sure if the buffalo is dead or not, though. I also see a Trident gum wrapper.

          *sniffs*

          Strawberry, I think.

          Adores: 6
  21. 2010 May 14
    sarajean80 permalink

    Am I the only one who thinks that doll looks a little bit like Miss Kitty?
    I always wondered about her…

    Adores: 0
  22. 2010 May 14
    Haunted Seductrist Sadistic Ruthless Porcelain Doll permalink

    All of you who are making fun of me will suffer both physically and psychically. Then you will die of tremendous carnal pleasure.

    Adores: 6
    • 2010 May 14
      Depressy permalink

      No! No! Depressy calls killing everyone! It was my idea. You go somewhere else. Go kill on Facebook. Or Twitter. Those people deserve it. I call murderous rampage on this site!

      Adores: 8
      • 2010 May 14
        sarajean80 permalink

        Just leave those MySpace kids alone.

        Those losers in the trailer-park-of-the-web have enough problems.

        Adores: 2
    • 2010 May 14
      Lola permalink

      Threatening to kill us with “tremendous carnal pleasure” isn’t exactly a disincentive.

      Adores: 1
      • 2010 May 15
        CapnMac permalink

        Wait, isn’t there a f/b Page for that?

        (there’s one for sparkly male vampire and sparkly boy that has more f/b fans than the bella version)

        Adores: 0
    • 2010 May 14
      LimeLolly permalink

      (said in Bill Cosby voice)

      No. Really. Who IS this?

      Adores: 2
    • 2010 May 14
      sarajean80 permalink

      Should we form a line or are you doing this alphabetically?
      I need to know, I got hotel reservations for next week.

      Adores: 1
      • 2010 May 14
        Windrose permalink

        *changes handle to Zewindrose*

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 May 15
          CapnMac permalink

          No, no, no; you don’t want and ‘end’ of the line, they get attention first.
          13th character is better for half-way
          be
          mwindrose

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 May 15
          Windrose permalink

          Oh! Good idea. My email is MyWindrose, that should be fine. 8)

          Adores: 0
  23. 2010 May 14
    Lola permalink

    Taco! A.Lion (and your conehead)! We’re due a grouppunchity from Windrose. Thank you for including me in your triad de snark.

    Thanks also to Dan/drmk for properly accenting and emphasizing (aka editing for accuracy) my reply.

    I’ll stop now, before Keyboard Cat is called in to play me off.

    *refills flask to prep for punching*

    Adores: 0
    • 2010 May 14
      Windrose permalink

      Here’s the pitch, and it’s a long hard punchity punch punch to the outside! Taco tags the runner at third, then throws to Lola, who punches wildly and takes A.Lion out at home. Whew! Not bad for an opener!

      Adores: 3
  24. 2010 May 14
    Pound-Cakes Sterling permalink

    Roll with me on this, and consider the following nightmare scenario:

    The backstory is more than just desperate seller puffupery. Ol’ Ruth needs to be kept out where she can see people.. because behind her eyes are Seller-installed cameras to catch Buyer performing “trigger dances” for the doll.

    “Of course she won’t do anything if you just leave her. You have to show her you’re ready”

    “Oh, it might take some time for her to wake up, but just keep trying.. and make sure she can see you and everything you do around her!”

    Buyer takes ol’ Ruth home and does.. disgusting things in front of her. Finding Ruth unresponsive, he goes about his bidness. He does other disgusting things while she sits out on his waterbed – lest she become violently angry at being put away – all in the hopes of awakening this mythical being.

    …And Buyer relaxes at home with a scone and a tea, enjoying the free perverso-disgusto-show he has from his legions of porcelain doll spy cameras.

    It’s amazing nobody thought of it before. It’s the perfect plan.

    Adores: 7
    • 2010 May 14
      CapnMac permalink

      You just stepped out of a Blue Police-box, didn’t you?

      Adores: 1
  25. 2010 May 14
    EclecticBlue permalink

    OT: Meredith (if you’re here today/this late), did your avatar used to be Brak? One of my coworkers pulled up Space Ghost, and Brak came on the screen, and I thought “Meredith!”

    …But I could have just been pulling random associations out of my ….ass….ociator.

    Adores: 3
  26. 2010 May 14
    christina permalink

    I’m a little freaked out because this doll looks exactly like a former roommate of mine, right down to the vacant stare.

    Adores: 2
  27. 2010 May 14
    carye1 permalink

    I wanted to find that on eBay to show my wife… But try doing a search on eBay for “haunted doll…”

    There’s freaking hundreds of ‘em!!!

    Adores: 1
    • 2010 May 15
      CapnMac permalink

      Add in various misspellings of porcelain (like porclean; proclain; porslean) plus haunted and doll–this will reduce th enumber of hits.

      Adores: 1
  28. 2010 May 14

    That doll needs a 21st century makeover. . . and I’m just the man for the job.

    Adores: 0
    • 2010 May 14
      Limelolly permalink

      I find that a little … unsettling.

      How do you give an ancient spirit a makeover?

      Adores: 1
      • 2010 May 15

        I was thinking the clothes and such.

        Might de-sinisterize it a bit if she was rolling in some apple-bottom jeans and boots with the fur.

        Adores: 1
      • 2010 May 15
        CapnMac permalink

        No problem for Ash Williams and his chainsaw

        Adores: 0
  29. 2010 May 14
    sunrat42 permalink

    Actually, I would buy it to give *to* my mother-in-law. Spice up her stupid doll collection.

    Adores: 1
  30. 2010 May 15
    Windrose permalink

    That’s it for me, Folks! G’Night, Helsinki!

    Adores: 0
  31. 2010 May 15
    andrea permalink

    Has anyone noticed the volume # at the top of the ysac entry? 666? This should convince you of the power of this doll that just describing it on this blog of unbelievers would cause this so-called coincidence.

    Adores: 0
  32. 2010 May 15
    Jenn H. permalink

    Hmm… the doll’s hair DOES look a bit disheveled…

    Adores: 0
  33. 2010 May 17
    Alex permalink

    Believe it or not so-called “haunted” dolls are a pretty popular (and disingenuous) item on eBay, since they don’t violate any of eBay’s policies.

    Adores: 0
  34. 2010 May 20

    “… and mentally competent to bid.”

    You you disqualify yourself by bidding?

    Adores: 0
  35. 2012 September 4
    Noble permalink

    I don’t think the seller is mentally competent enough to know what to do with this doll… Go for the big bucks, bro! Get one of those life-like, life-size, Japanese sex dolls… Then hold an exorcism. You may need to seance before you exorcise to convince her this procedure will be much more gratifying for her sexually sinister nature. Once she is transferred into the new doll, she’ll be worth more than her weight in gold! Especially if she can animate it the same way one of them would animate a possessed person. Make sure you tie her bonds tight before you ship her, you don’t want her flailing about making a scene attracting attention. If she makes cloy noises, use a ball gag. If she keeps looking at you with derision, use a blind fold. Now she’s ready for the box. If she looks too comfortable in the box, add more packing material. Last, but now least- stick a post it note to her forehead with her safe word. This will guarantee and facilitate a smooth payment transaction. Japan sex doll base price: >/< $30000 depending on accessories. (outfits, voice response, tactile facial expressions, etc) Japan sex doll price possessed with an underworld spirit with certain sexual proclivities and safe word- Priceless…. Now start the bidding! Some person of peculiar perversion will be its new owner – it could be you!

    Adores: 0

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