YSaC, Vol. 681: Lucrezia Borgia was sort of evil, I guess …

2010 May 29
by drmk

Renaissance Mid Evil Knight n Armor Man 5ft Couch & paintings


aprox 5ft tall in great clean condition, be the envoy of your friends $68i also have a child size wood rocker, this is a new rocker, never painted,stained, do it up the way you want, ut vols, alabama, whats u think, $242 large wall paintings for $60 for the set

and the quialty name brand but of course i cant remember which one, ill have to go to the garage and look, taupe color clean $200

Cash only

I DO NOT HAVE TEXTING

CASH ONLY

WILL DELETE AD WHEN SOLD

Full disclosure: there were other pictures but I didn’t care about them. I was really only interested in the Mid Evil knight. He’s only partially evil, you know, and he’ll make me an envoy. I don’t think I want to be an envoy in the Renaissance, though. Those guys ended up getting killed a lot. (By the way, how did this chucklehead spell Renaissance correctly?)

Or wait … maybe he means that this is armor for a Renaissance envoy who’s only partially evil. Or does he mean that the Renaissance itself was kind of evil? I’m so confused.

You know what I could use to protect myself if I was a Renaissance Medieval envoy? This:

Midevil battle axe – $50


Battle Axe

About two feet long real wood and steel. This was aquired years ago when I was stationed in Europe and went to a Castle festival in Germany.

It is made extremely strong like the real thing, it was a prop for the festival emploees that wasn’t gaurded well enough.

It has hung on my wall for years but I’m moving and would like to get rid of it.

Call or text xxx.xxx.xxxx

Pick up only, will not deliver.

Things we now know about the seller of this item:

  1. Can’t spell medieval, acquired, employees, or guarded.
  2. Ex-military.
  3. STOLE THIS FROM A FESTIVAL IN GERMANY and is now trying to sell it.

Classy, dude. No wonder Europeans hate us.

Thanks, Jennifer and Virgina!

94 Responses leave one →
  1. 2010 May 29

    Even King Arthur has been hit hard by this recession….

    Adores: 15
  2. 2010 May 29
    Limelolly permalink

    Thievery…. it’s how I get all my best stuff. That and people leave the coolest stuff just sitting on their lawns.

    They should learn to gaurded well enough.

    But don’t think too poorly of me. I’m only a little mid evil.
    Just the left side.

    Adores: 14
    • 2010 May 29

      Silly Limelolly, that’s Left Evil, you know, the creative evil, opposite of Right Evil which is the logical evil.

      Adores: 0
      • 2010 May 29

        Edit: I probably got that backwards.

        Adores: 0
        • 2010 May 29
          Lola permalink

          Not evil enough to get it right?

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 May 29

          Sorry Lola, I dropped out of Evil Medical School.

          Adores: 6
    • 2010 May 29
      SilvaNoir permalink

      So YOU’RE the one who took my cement donkey!

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 May 29
        Sparky, from La Mancha permalink

        I could be your donkey hottie.

        Adores: 2
      • 2010 May 29

        I took your donkey and I put in my kiln. Sorry, I just have always wanted a hot ass.

        Adores: 19
  3. 2010 May 29
    sarajean80 permalink

    …this is a new rocker, never painted,stained, …

    I’m pretty sure that’s because you’ve been off it for most of your life.

    Adores: 36
  4. 2010 May 29
    sarajean80 permalink

    Why is the axe all rusty and nasty if it’s just been hanging on his wall since he stole procured it.

    What the hell has he been doing with that thing?

    Adores: 0
    • 2010 May 29
      Bridgete permalink

      Obviously defending himself against the Gorgoroth in the basement. Midevil battle axes are great for that when you’re out of peanut butter.

      PS – I’m glad some comments have appeared. When I first got here, the comments page was blank. It made me nervous and I couldn’t perform.

      Adores: 16
      • 2010 May 29

        I’m totally with you Bridgete. An empty comment section is like a party with a huge buffet that no one has touched yet and the guacamole is calling your name.

        Adores: 13
        • 2010 May 29
          Laurelhach permalink

          As soon as the guacamole starts calling my name, I know it’s time to lay off the drinks.

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 May 29
          Camille permalink

          Has Not.A.Lionel gotten into the guacamole again?

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 May 29

          Or has it perhaps, gotten into him?

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 May 29
          CapnMac permalink

          Nope, not a problem for me, it’s my public duty to keep the quac from turning brown.

          Unless it is that pasteurized, chemically-stabilized stuff–blecch.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 May 29

          Ugh, you mean the not.a.guac they sell next to the cheese dips? I made the mistake of buying it once. It tasted like green colored onion dip.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 May 29

          Wait, so that stuff’s not representative of what guacamole actually tastes like?

          I need to go rethink my Mexican Cuisine Habits to include trying real guacamole.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 May 29
          Bridgete permalink

          No…that is definitely not what guacamole actually tastes like. That would be why even when I’m feeling a little lazy, I still go with the half-assed self-made route (mashing up some avocados, then throwing in a bit of salsa and a squeeze of lime).

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 May 29
          CapnMac permalink

          My lazy method is to coarse spoon the avocado into my mini-prep, add snipped chives, dried cilantro and thyme. Then fresh cracked black pepper, kosher salt, and jarred miced roasted garlic. Then a healthy quantity of lime. Pulse to combine.

          Ok, it’s too smooth for a la caserna, but a lot less clean up than the molcajete and a masher and the rest. That, and I can put a tiny zing of sour cream in, which is harder to do with the slightly chunky texture of “proper” guac.

          Mind you, I also use guac as a “drawn butter” for cooking other things, too. Pork chop lightly breaded in masa flour and pan fried just hates a coat of guac before going over a bed of spanish rice.

          Adores: 4
  5. 2010 May 29
    Windrose permalink

    I’m going to have to change into either my tabard or sideless surcoat before I can properly respond to these ads. 8)

    Adores: 3
    • 2010 May 29
      sarajean80 permalink

      Don’t forget the corset!

      Those things are truly mid(riff) evil.

      Adores: 2
  6. 2010 May 29
    meredith permalink

    “it was a prop for the festival emploees that wasn’t gaurded well enough.”

    He didn’t say he STOLE it. Perhaps it followed him home. I’m always finding stray Mid Evil weaponry. My boyfriend won’t let me keep them, though. He makes me take them to the shelter, or in this case, armory. It’s an especially big problem in the Spring, which everyone knows is mace and chain season.

    As Bob Barker would say: Remember to have your weaponry sheathed and scabbard-ed.

    Adores: 32
    • 2010 May 29
      sarajean80 permalink

      This is why I love you ♥

      I can picture it; going to the armory to adopt a new sword, only to be distracted by the adorable baby morningstars running around and ending up going home with a nice older pike that’s a little dented but sweet as can be.

      Adores: 9
      • 2010 May 29

        They’re going to put this guisarme and this glaive to sleep if someone doesn’t take them home.

        All the polearms are a hard sell, because people think they’re not good with kids.

        Adores: 4
        • 2010 May 29
          lost_compass permalink

          I urge everyone to go only to shelters with a no-melt-down policy.

          Adores: 12
        • 2010 May 29
          meredith permalink

          I’ve heard that in some backwoods amories, they still use cruel melt down methods, too. It’s just awful.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 May 29
          meredith permalink

          hahaha. lost_compass, the loading time on my computer made yours show up first, but we’re on the same page.

          Hmmm, my edits aren’t showing up as edits, but as new comments. That’s weird.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 May 29
          lost_compass permalink

          JINX (though I can’t believe anyone’s computer could be slower than mine)

          .. and wondering, was there a merger of the ASPCA and the SCA?

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 May 29
          Bianchi Sound permalink

          As Jon Stewart would say: The new organization known as ASPCA-SCA, or NAMBLA…

          Adores: 6
  7. 2010 May 29

    How much is $68i anyway? I don’t seem to have an alpha-numeric currency converter on my catulator.

    Adores: 0
    • 2010 May 29

      Since i is the square root of -1, I’m guessing that it’d be pretty hard to express that quantity in real dollars.

      Our seller is irrational, but his prices are imaginary!

      Adores: 23
      • 2010 May 29
        Lola permalink

        “Our seller is irrational, but his prices are imaginary!”
        That describes a lot of YSAC ad posters.

        Adores: 9
        • 2010 May 29

          It’s not as bad as some of the “crazy sales guy” marketing schemes I’ve seen. Do you still have “Crazy Eddie’s” or “The Wiz” ads in NY?

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 May 29
          Lola permalink

          I think they’re both gone, Christina. The Wiz definitely is, but I’m not sure about Crazy Eddie – don’t know if he’s still around but not advertising.

          The closest reference I have is those Earl Schieb “Paint your car for $99!” ads. Can you imagine the CL version of those?! 😀

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 May 29
          Camille permalink

          Crazy Eddie went to jail, as I recall. “Fraudulent Eddie” was more like it.

          Adores: 0
  8. 2010 May 29
    Bianchi Sound permalink

    It’s me or the Renaissance Mid Evil Knight n Armor Man 5ft Couch & paintings, Sparky!

    It’s me or the Midevil battle axe , Sparky!

    Yep, still works,

    Adores: 12
    • 2010 May 29
      SilvaNoir permalink

      You know, I never thought midevil armor made for a good couch anyway…

      Adores: 3
      • 2010 May 29
        Laurelhach permalink

        I must disagree–my socks are always getting caught in the chain mail.

        Adores: 2
        • 2010 May 29

          And the accordion is on the wrong side, to boot.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 May 29
          Laurelhach permalink

          *agree

          I don’t know how I missed that.

          Adores: 0
  9. 2010 May 29
    Bianchi Sound permalink

    Remember a time, years ago, when you could go to, say, Germany, steal a battle axe, and bring it back to America through customs. Those were the days…

    Adores: 15
    • 2010 May 29

      That was my first reaction, too. Nowadays, like B. A. Barcus, that battle ax ain’t goin’ on no plane.

      Adores: 4
      • 2010 May 29
        Bianchi Sound permalink

        Always with the highbrow literary references, Isaac.

        Adores: 11
  10. 2010 May 29
    Bianchi Sound permalink

    I am in interested in the unnamed taupe color item for $200. If you go into the garage and the name brand turns out to be Bentley, Porshe, Maserati, or *fingers crossed* Duesenberg, I’ll be over in ten minutes.

    Adores: 12
    • 2010 May 29
      Lola permalink

      If it’s a Bugatti or Stutz Bearcat, give me a call. I’ll even pay a finders fee.

      Adores: 0
      • 2010 May 31

        Adores for the Stutz reference, Lola. My favorite vehicle of all time. (Shh, don’t tell my chevelle.)

        Adores: 0
    • 2010 May 29
      Camille permalink

      [Corey] Sorry to disappoint you both, but I’m guessing the unnamed taupe item is probably the couch listed in the ad title. [/Corey]

      Adores: 0
      • 2010 May 29
        Lola permalink

        Hm, you’re probably right.

        Them teasing like that is fully evil. Never mind that I don’t have a garage, anyway.

        Adores: 0
      • 2010 May 29

        I’ll take a Ferrari Divano.

        Adores: 1
      • 2010 May 29
        Windrose permalink

        Just as long as it’s not another camel table. 8/

        Adores: 0
      • 2010 May 29
        lost_compass permalink

        No taupe coupe? Aw, poupe.

        Adores: 13
  11. 2010 May 29
    MrWhite permalink

    Totally Evil Battle Axe

    About five feet tall real flesh and blood. She was aquired years ago when I was young and stupid.

    She has stayed on my back for years but I’m moving on and would like to get rid of her.

    Adores: 8
    • 2010 May 29
      meredith permalink

      ::::making “you’re in sooo much trouble noise:::: awwwwwwwwwwwww, I’m telling the battle…I mean, nice Mrs. White, what you saaaaaiiiid. You’re gonna be in trrrroooouuuuble.

      Adores: 5
      • 2010 May 29
        MrsWhite permalink

        Don’t expect Mr White around for a while. I showed him the knife and gave him a choice of what to lose, and he picked the power cord to his computer.

        thx for the text Meredith, let’s do lunch sometime

        Adores: 7
  12. 2010 May 29

    I WANT that Battle Axe. Not for me, but for my Creative Writing teacher. You see, Mr. Nantz’s hall pass is a large wooden battle axe, painted green. It is the most awesome thing to walk down the hallway with when heading to the bathroom. He also has a spear made to the specifications of stone age man, a wooden sword hallpass which was in use when the Battle axe was broken (someone dropped it, and it shattered, so the woodshop teacher made a new one, and took a month longer than he could have because Mr. Nantz wouldn’t allow him to make it actually deadly), and he has a stapler. I think this is something he might want. And if he doesn’t take it, it will be quite useful at keeping my sister in line.

    Adores: 1
    • 2010 May 29

      Wow: three traditional melee weapons and a stapler? I’m guessing the stapler doubles as nunchaku.

      Or perhaps it is a red Swingline? Those things are +4 against corporate hacks, if I remember right.

      Adores: 12
      • 2010 May 29
        CapnMac permalink

        Do I need an accessory damage table roll for collateral damge from smoke inhalation or water damage when a the dread red swingline is used?

        (I know ciphering the damage from Flair gets to catmath pretty rapidly)

        Adores: 1
  13. 2010 May 29
    Windrose permalink

    Sparky can tell it’s a Knight n Armor Man because of his huge weapon. What? It’s too hot today for a coat!

    Adores: 0
    • 2010 May 29

      To quote a great man of the late renaissance, in an attempt to please the groundlings:

      My naked weapon is out!” ~ The Tragedy of Romeo and Juliet, by William Shakespeare

      Adores: 5
  14. 2010 May 29
    Windrose permalink

    Place your bets! Whose comment from yesterday will appear in the box? No Change? Group Effort? YSaC memes? Anything goes!

    Adores: 0
    • 2010 May 29

      I bet 50 vintage Cornflakes on Camille’s Comment.

      Adores: 1
      • 2010 May 29
        lost_compass permalink

        I’d put money on Camille too. She brought this site to a new Loewe.

        Adores: 1
      • 2010 May 30

        What, no quatloos?

        Adores: 0
    • 2010 May 29
      SilvaNoir permalink

      I bet it won’t be me
      since I didn’t comment yesterday
      :p

      Adores: 4
    • 2010 May 29
      Lola permalink

      Camille gets an honorable, after Spacebug. Not bad psychic powers, guys!

      Adores: 0
      • 2010 May 29
        Windrose permalink

        Lola, you look. . . different today. Can’t quite put my finger on it. Are you feeling okay?

        Adores: 0
        • 2010 May 29

          Dammit, now I want cupcakes. Should have cleared my cache before I put brownies in the oven.

          Who keeps their cupcakes in the pantry anyway? Only part of that song that never made sense to me.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 May 29

          Depends on what you mean by cupcake. For example, those chocolate cream-filled Hostess things are, apparently, cupcakes.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 May 29
          CapnMac permalink

          Wow, that is a change; and I had cleared cache earlier, just not recently enough.

          At least there will be no confusing Lola with Lila.or.something [G]

          I keep cupcakes in whatever snap-lid container they best fit in, the better to get them consumed.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 May 30
          Lola permalink

          I changed it due to an earlier post’s comment …
          Mrs. R. was a running joke with a younger ex named Ben.

          Cupcakes don’t often come to my house (never make them), and if they do, they are consumed quickly enough that storage isn’t an issue … they stay on the counter, here …

          Adores: 0
    • 2010 May 29
      Camille permalink

      Thank you all for the votes of confidence (and puns)! And Windrose, here is my card – do I get a partial punch for an honorable mention?

      Adores: 2
  15. 2010 May 29
    mudslicker permalink

    I’m sorry, but I insist that that my battle axes be at least 3.5 feet long. What is this one used for? Midgets Nuggets?

    Adores: 0
  16. 2010 May 29
    CapnMac permalink

    Ok, when you roll for mid-evil, I’m guessing that’s at least a twenty-sided die, right?

    If one is Renaissance Mid Evil, do you have to wear a chevroned doublet, or can you use tassles to create an idealized depiction of an italian Renaissance ensemble?

    “(Start at line reading “Captain”)”

    Adores: 0
    • 2010 May 29
      Windrose permalink

      Yes, indeed! There is a category just for honoraries! See you later for the full punch.

      Adores: 0
      • 2010 May 29
        Windrose permalink

        Uh.. dang. This goes way up there under Camille’s comment. Here I was going to say, “What, with these scallops?” But guess that’s ruint naw.

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 May 29
          CapnMac permalink

          I’d say something, but it would cost Lord Hill 20 guineas–oops!

          Adores: 0
  17. 2010 May 29
    CapnMac permalink

    Cue Adm Akbar!
    in great clean condition, be the envoy of your friends

    Warning, this is another haunted doll!

    You buy this, and it becomes your friends’ familiar!

    And, Spaky even said this is not Alphonse Elric either, it’s partially evil.

    Adores: 0
  18. 2010 May 29

    do it up the way you want, ut vols, alabama

    It took me a minute or two to realize that ut vols wasn’t some sort of corrupted Latin translation of “the way you want.”

    Now I realize that it’s just the team from the other UT—the one whose orange isn’t even toasted, much less burnt.

    Adores: 1
  19. 2010 May 29
    CapnMac permalink

    Well, I’m finished with my day of incantation and sigils against the enemies of our realm.
    And, with far too much time to contemplate the utility of a halberd vice a double-bitted war axe.

    And, now, that dread conjunction of no more to do; but too tired to out among actual people.
    I fear for not having enough “braking power” and the results of not having enough self-supervision. So, alone with the tv–which is likely better than risking historical fauxes pas a deu,

    Adores: 0
  20. 2010 May 29
    Bridgete permalink

    OT: I play Family Feud on Facebook. One of my categories today was “cereal with an animal on the box.” Lion was worth 5 points. There’s no lion on any cereal that I know of. Thoughts?

    Adores: 6
    • 2010 May 29

      It’s spreading.

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 May 30
        Bridgete permalink

        Yeah, that’s what I thought.

        Adores: 0
    • 2010 May 29
      CapnMac permalink

      Thoughts? That I’m glad I’m not playing FFoF/B [G]

      Adores: 0
      • 2010 May 30
        Bridgete permalink

        I was sort of hoping against hope that there’s some random, obscure cereal with a lion on it. Guess not.

        Adores: 0
  21. 2010 May 30
    Windrose permalink

    Spacebug! Punchity Punch!

    Camile! Punch!

    G’Night, Germany!

    Adores: 1
  22. 2010 May 30
    queensbee permalink

    when i was a little kid the older kids axed me to be an envoy. they kept sending me out for soda, so i quit.
    and this ex military dude came back from germany with that midevil battle axe in his luggage??? this must have been before homeland security!

    Adores: 2
  23. 2010 June 2
    Jess permalink

    Dude, I HAVE that Mid Evil Knight’n’Armor. (Purchased at Homegoods for less than he’s charging). Only I call it my “Tin Man.” And I dress him up for holidays. Really, he’s not evil at all once you get to know him.

    Adores: 5

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