YSaC, Vol. C

2008 October 27
by drmk

Shakespeare had nothing compared to the dramas that play out on Craigslist, which happen over the strangest things. Witness this opera in three acts on the topic of tree removal, narrated on all sides of the tree-removal romantic triangle:

Act I: In which someone posts in the free section thusly:

Tree in front yard


Okay theres a tree in the front yard no one here at the house cares about it so if you want it you can come over and Chop it down or tear it up to take home Haul yourself we really want to get ride of this tree in the front yard.
SO bring your Chainsaws and or axes and have at it! Tree is still standing can be used for fire wood or whatever you want. Please if you do come by and you do chop it down PLEASE DO NOT have it fall on the house.
If interested please call xxx-xxx-xxxx Ask for Ann OR call xxx-xxx-xxxx And ask for Rick. Someone is always here to help and will always answer there phones if no one answers please leave a message and we will call you back ASAP.
Or stop by at [address] only stop by after 12 noon to whenever.For more pictures e-mail [address] in the subject put Craigslist so I don't misstaken it for junk.

It's not the best libretto in the world, but when sung as an aria it truly demonstrates their mastery of the sublime and the ridiculous. You can totally hear the high notes on the climax of "PLEASE DO NOT have it fall on the house" juxtaposed against the syllabic presentation of the phone number.

The first act ends with our hero, Rick, and heroine, Ann, reprising the beautiful love song, "SO bring your Chainsaws and or axes and have at it!", while gazing at one another lovingly through the sawdust.

Act II: Enter the villain:

Re: Tree in front yard (Fantasyland)


So let me get this straight - You are offering for anyone to come to your house, cut down your tree and haul it away, all at no cost to me? You sure you don't need someone to give you a bath and remodel your house for free as well?

I'll bet you have people knocking down the door and your voicemail full, what with such a once in a lifetime opportunity!

OPPORTUNISTIC MORON

Let me tell you, opera fans, if you've never heard a baritone (villains are always baritones) belt out the showstopping cadenza to "OPPORTUNISTIC MORON" live, you haven't lived. It's truly awe-inspiring.

Act III: In which a random chorus of Vikings makes their grand entrance from another opera/posting from the same metropolitan area, also having to do with trees and the removal therewith:

RE : Free Tree Service (spam spam spam )


ENOUGH re-posting your add in the FREE catagory .put it under WANTED where it belongs !!!!!! and ONLY post it 1 time like you are suppose to if you cant read the rules have someone read them for you !!!!!!!!!!!!!YOUR ADD IS GETTING OLD MOOOOOOOCHING FOR FREE WOOD.

The curtain rises to reveal a small cafe. A group of Vikings inexplicably sit in the cafe. They are chanting, pausing only on the word MOOOOOOOCHING, sliding up and down in pitch on the extended syllable as if they were singing a Mariah Carey song on American Idol, only even more irritatingly so. The internal rhymes of rules and you and the half-rhyme of old and wood are punctuated by the Vikings' beating of their fists on the table rhythmically.

As Vikings are wont to do, they begin singing an ode to trees and processed lunch meat. The opera ends with Rick and Ann wondering where the Vikings came from, and why the heck the guy begging for people to let him cut down their trees hasn't contacted them, as they are people begging for someone to come cut down their tree and they live in the same metropolitan area. They wonder what is in the water in this particular town that makes people so angry about Craigslist postings about cutting down trees. They decide that "cut down trees" is a metaphor, but they're not sure what for, and they leave, singing their final lament, "So I don't misstaken it for junk."

As the curtain closes, the Vikings' chant has been reduced to a single syllable. Its haunting refrain remains even as the orchestra packs up, collects their paycheck, and heads for the bar in a vain attempt to forget the evening's performance.

Truly a drama of epic proportions. And the lesson to be learned from our tree-opera?

"And this, our life, exempt from public haunt, finds tongues in trees, books in the running brooks, sermons in stones, and good in everything." ~William Shakespeare, As You Like It, Act II Scene 1.

"Except in Craigslist postings." ~YSaC, Vol. C.

66 Responses leave one →
  1. 2008 October 28
    Pianodan permalink

    You're insane. That's why I love you.

    Adores: 11
    • 2009 October 2
      Igor The Vigorous permalink

      Don't we all love DRMK?
      I know I do.

      Adores: 6
  2. 2008 November 12
    Kate permalink

    Brilliance. Love it.

    Adores: 4
  3. 2009 January 1
    Nereid permalink

    I am impressed equally by your adeptness at narrative and your accuracy in spelling.

    OK: the narrative wins by a considerable margin.

    Impressed,
    Nereid M. Blue
    Single Mother,
    Bilingual Court Clerk
    Alternative Classical Harpist
    Perfectionist

    Adores: 5
  4. 2009 January 19
    Jess permalink

    Haha, these guys need to hook up

    http://hudsonvalley.craigslist.org/wan/998607637.html

    hello - i am a woodworker looking for local species of lumber

    - if you have a tree on your property that you want or need to be taken down
    send me an email a photo if possible and any info you have.
    - i am interested in hard or soft wood
    - tree can not be near any obstacles (house or powerlines ect )
    - email me and let me know what you have
    - thanks for looking

    Adores: 8
  5. 2009 July 29
    Angela permalink

    nowhere have I seen anyone mention the fact that it's an "ad", not an "add". I guess, though, the person who answers the first ad here would be adding to their chopped-down-tree collection, but STILL!

    Adores: 7
    • 2009 October 5
      mike permalink

      And also that someone is ALWAYS there and ALWAYS answers the phone, but in case they don't answer, leave a message

      Adores: 10
  6. 2009 September 10

    EPIC!!

    Adores: 4
  7. 2010 December 26
    Addicted Reader permalink

    This is a great post. You've done some great snarking, drmk, so good on you for making sure it gets appreciated, even if it takes a few tries!

    Adores: 6
  8. 2010 December 26
    LimeLolly permalink

    "Ugly Tree, Take It for Free? "

    I have to say, I really appreciate the pictures in the 3rd ad. The subtlety used in the pictures means this post did not have to be deleted for language. Pretty savvy if you ask me.

    Adores: 6
    • 2010 December 26
      Addicted Reader permalink

      That first picture hurts my eyes to look at.

      Adores: 4
    • 2010 December 26

      Yep, that's using the old bean. When I first saw the pic on the left, I thought it was a big hand grabbing a pair of legs.

      Adores: 4
      • 2010 December 26

        Well wait, then what is it, if not that? No matter how hard I look (not that I'm trying to look all that hard) I can't seem to see anything else.

        Adores: 2
        • 2010 December 26
          Windrose permalink

          Astro, picture someone bending over, then putting their head between their legs, and back and up again so that they are wearing an ass-ski-mask. Got it now?

          In this rendition, the subject of the art work has actually managed to get his entire torso up behind himself.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 26

          I'm still having trouble seeing a literal asshat. I'm concluding that either he has a giant thumb growing out of his side, or he really needs to go get his elbow checked out by a doctor, because I'm almost certain I see a giant fingernail.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 December 26

          To me, at first glance, it looked like a turkey (uncooked). But I was quickly able to parse the image as described.

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 December 26

          Isaac's here! It's a Beesmas miracle!

          Adores: 7
        • 2010 December 26
          Artsy Computer Geek permalink

          Welcome back Isaac. Astro go sledding -- it's the first time we've had a white Christmas in 60 years.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 26

          Unfortunately, on my street at least, the snow is of the dry powdery sort that makes sledding infeasible.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 December 26
          Mindfield permalink

          The back of the "hand" is the guy's actual back, the "wrist" his heck, and the "thumb" is his arm reaching around his legs for grip. The "thumbnail" is his elbow. Yeah, it's an awkward-looking chop, but it gets the job done, mostly.

          Very little snow here in the Toronto region. Enough to cover most of the ground with patches of grass peeking through, but I expect that to be gone by next weekend when temperatures bump the mid-single digits. Wee! (I'm about the furthest thing from a snow dog there is.)

          Adores: 2
  9. 2010 December 26
    Windrose permalink

    Happy Boxing Day, everyone! Uh, a wood box, I expect. I have some left over eggnog and coffee slices, help yourselves.

    Adores: 2
    • 2010 December 26
      Mindfield permalink

      That reminds me, I gotta go get me more 'nog before it's gone 'til next Beesmas. I loves me some 'nog.

      Adores: 2
  10. 2010 December 26

    Ahh, I remember the age of PYHO. That was the nickname my father gave me in highschool now that I think on it.

    Ahh memories.

    Adores: 2
    • 2010 December 26
      LimeLolly permalink

      You didn't rate an 'A'? PYHOA?

      What did... uh, never mind.

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 December 26

        The 'A' was assumed.

        Adores: 2
      • 2010 December 26

        Princeton Youth Homeowner's Association?

        Adores: 1
  11. 2010 December 26
    Windrose permalink

    Yes, I will put this in the Fora as well, but thought we might add a few stanzas and choruses and verses and interpretive dancing to it in the mean time. 8)

    ‘Twas the night before Beesmas, and ALLLLLLL through the lounge,
    Not a creature was sober, not a full cup was found.
    And I in my feathers, all preened and in line,
    had just poured myself a flask full of wine.

    With Smedley in his watchcap and Windrose on the tree
    Andie danced round to a version of “Born Free”.
    The snarkers were dipping the Not.A.Lionel cheesehead
    While delusions of mine hores were rapidly spread.
    The presents were placed ‘neath the blue tarp with care
    In hopes that the Llamanun soon would be there.

    When up from the closet there arose such a clatter,
    I sprang from my beanbag to see what’s the matter.
    And what to my blurry eyes did appear,
    A guatsusnake, flat-backed: he had too much cheer.

    Adores: 4
    • 2010 December 26

      You can splice in my stanzas if you want, too. I think I had what... 4 of them a few weeks back?

      We only need... like 400 to match the original work.

      Adores: 1
      • 2010 December 26

        You can splice in my stanzas if you want

        Are you sure your wife won't mind?

        Adores: 1
  12. 2010 December 26

    Happy ( late? ) beesmas everybody.

    I have some free slightly used wrapping paper and bows, if interested. ;)

    Adores: 2
    • 2010 December 26
      Addicted Reader permalink

      Oooh, I'll take it! I save and reuse wrapping paper. Mr. AR doesn't quite get it, but he complies.

      How's the snow up there?

      Adores: 2
  13. 2010 December 26
    LurkRealClose permalink

    Good Blizzard Day, Snarkers! I hope you all had a loverly Beesmus and are enjoying your Boxers today.

    Adores: 3
    • 2010 December 26

      *sigh* I want a blizzard.

      Adores: 1
      • 2010 December 26

        A Heath Bar Blizzard.

        Adores: 3
      • 2010 December 26
        Windrose permalink

        I want a blizzard like the snow kind, but I just want to look at it. I don't want to drive in it, or live in it, unless I can stay home and not run out of bird seed.

        Adores: 4
        • 2010 December 26
          Addicted Reader permalink

          Amen.

          Adores: 1
  14. 2010 December 26

    Hey! You know what happens when you keep your carving knife extra sharp? It feels really unpleasant when it slices through your index finger and grates on the bone. Did you hear that? I know the neighbors did. Their larva actually stopped screaming about not having batteries until tomorrow. Well, at least some good came of it. Always remember kids, when trying to get the last of the meat off that carcass, don't slice sideways, especially towards the hand that is holding said carcass.

    Adores: 2
    • 2010 December 26

      Yeee-ouch! Didn't you just get over a sickness of some sort? Just can't catch a break!

      Adores: 0
      • 2010 December 26

        I think that was Steve-O. But thanks for the good wishes.

        Adores: 0
        • 2010 December 27

          Well, by sickness I meant that I thought you had a cold. I sympathize, since I've had a cold 5 out of the last 8 weeks... -_-

          Adores: 0
    • 2010 December 27
      Mindfield permalink

      By the same token, if you're trying to slice a zip tie off of something sideways with a box cutter, hold the side of that something lower than the knife -- or better yet, turn it on its side and slice down.

      Yes, I have a scar on my index finger. Both sides. (Though the inside one is tiny since only the tip poked through.)

      Adores: 0
  15. 2010 December 27
    Windrose permalink

    Okay, Crew, if you posted yesterday in the past, then you are getting punched in the future, which is the present right now, but will be the past in a little while. So line up, everyone! Punchity Punch Punch!

    G'Night, Fantasy Land!

    Adores: 2
  16. 2010 December 28

    Made me smile that comment number one is from the Llamanun's lobster :) Yay love!

    Adores: 0
    • 2010 December 29
      Windrose permalink

      Huh. I thought he was an Ostrimu. He sure hides his claws well. 8)

      Adores: 0
  17. 2012 October 7

    YOUR ADD IS GETTING OLD MOOOOOOOCHING FOR FREE WOOD.

    I think Sparky the Third has it backwards; Sparky the First isn't mooching for free wood, he's mooching for free tree removal. If he wanted to mooch free wood, he could go over to the personals section.

    Adores: 2
    • 2012 October 7
      One Maple Violation permalink

      At least Sparky III didn't say SMOOOOOOOCHING

      Adores: 0
  18. 2012 October 7
    One Maple Violation permalink

    Standing in the yard.
    In front of a ranchette.
    Living aint so hard.
    And shade is what they get.
    They climb upon my limbs.
    Sometimes they get real high.
    They want me gone
    From their front lawn.
    I don't understand why.

    Oh,
    No one cares.
    No one cares.
    No one cares at all.
    If I could,
    I surely would.
    Uproot myself and fall.
    My leaves are gone.
    They're on the lawn.
    I'm dormant at this time.
    They want some clown
    to cut me down
    for less than one thin dime.

    (Nary a treehugger around when needed)

    Adores: 3
    • 2012 October 7

      Nobody likes me
      Everybody hates me
      I think I'll go eat dirt.

      Adores: 2
  19. 2012 October 7

    Please if you do come by and you do chop it down PLEASE DO NOT have it fall on the house.

    What? They are soliciting some random stranger to "come by" and chop a tree down, any time, regardless whether they're home, without leaving a note or anything?

    Also, I will leave the car key and my spare house key under the driver's side floormat. If you are going to the store, please pick up some milk. My checkbook is in the glove box. Please don't wreck my car, but you can take it anywhere you need as long as you replace the gas you use.

    There, I fixed that for you.

    Adores: 1
    • 2012 October 7
      Brer Fox permalink

      Yes, I've asked trees not to fall on houses before, but I can never really tell if they are listening. They just stand there in wooden silence, quaking in their aspens.

      Adores: 3
  20. 2012 October 7

    Better way to Post:

    Come by Address today between Noon and 7pm, and take a swing at our tree! Axe provided but if you have a chain saw, you can use that. Whoever makes the deepest cut gets the whole tree, absolutely FREE! No charge to compete, must be insured against trees falling on houses!

    Adores: 1
  21. 2012 October 7
    One Maple Violation permalink

    If it makes you sappy
    I'll cut you so bad
    If it makes you sappy
    Then I'll put you in a free ad.

    Adores: 1
  22. 2012 October 7
    One Maple Violation permalink

    I want it gone from off my lawn!
    Hurrah! Hurrah!
    I want it gone from off my lawn!
    Hurrah! Hurrah!
    I want it gone from off my lawn!
    Take it for free. This isn't a con.
    And the leaves keep falling down to the ground
    and they're always a pain. CHOP! CHOP! CHOP!

    Sparky lives in Fantasyland!
    Hurrah! Hurrah!
    Sparky lives in Fantasyland!
    Hurrah! Hurrah!
    Sparky lives in fantasyland!
    Ad should be in "wanted" or maybe be banned.
    And the leaves keep falling down to the ground
    and they're always a pain. CHOP! CHOP! CHOP!

    Adores: 0
  23. 2012 October 7

    Ahem...

    There sure are a lot of comments on this post. A larch number, indeed. One might say it's quite poplar.

    Adores: 1
    • 2012 October 7
      One Maple Violation permalink

      You are right D/DM, I just might say that. But not today, I'm still pinin' for a hardwood.

      Adores: 1
      • 2012 October 7

        Always birching about something.

        Adores: 0
  24. 2012 October 7
    Not-a-[censored] Lion permalink

    You sure you don’t need someone to give you a bath

    I am not going to somebody's house and give them a bath. Like, Ew! Gag me, like totally. Especially for free!

    Exceptions:She's a she, she's single, she's cute, she takes a shower first, and she has a fur dryer so I don't have to lick myself dry.

    No! I mean, like ew. (maybe)

    Adores: 1
  25. 2012 October 8

    Lou Stool in the box on a Sunday is nice,
    Lou is funny, they say.
    But Sunday is over and Monday is here
    So Lou, be on your way!

    Punchity Punch Punch!

    Good Morning, Leopold!

    Adores: 2
  26. 2016 December 27

    Yah thats truly a drama of epic proportions

    Adores: 0
  27. 2016 December 30

    Intersting pics in your post, i really enjoyed

    Adores: 0
  28. 2017 January 12

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    Adores: 0
  29. 2017 January 26

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    Adores: 0
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