YSaC, Vol. C
Shakespeare had nothing compared to the dramas that play out on Craigslist, which happen over the strangest things. Witness this opera in three acts on the topic of tree removal, narrated on all sides of the tree-removal romantic triangle:
Act I: In which someone posts in the free section thusly:
Tree in front yard
Okay theres a tree in the front yard no one here at the house cares about it so if you want it you can come over and Chop it down or tear it up to take home Haul yourself we really want to get ride of this tree in the front yard.
SO bring your Chainsaws and or axes and have at it! Tree is still standing can be used for fire wood or whatever you want. Please if you do come by and you do chop it down PLEASE DO NOT have it fall on the house.
If interested please call xxx-xxx-xxxx Ask for Ann OR call xxx-xxx-xxxx And ask for Rick. Someone is always here to help and will always answer there phones if no one answers please leave a message and we will call you back ASAP.
Or stop by at [address] only stop by after 12 noon to whenever.For more pictures e-mail [address] in the subject put Craigslist so I don’t misstaken it for junk.
It’s not the best libretto in the world, but when sung as an aria it truly demonstrates their mastery of the sublime and the ridiculous. You can totally hear the high notes on the climax of “PLEASE DO NOT have it fall on the house” juxtaposed against the syllabic presentation of the phone number.
The first act ends with our hero, Rick, and heroine, Ann, reprising the beautiful love song, “SO bring your Chainsaws and or axes and have at it!”, while gazing at one another lovingly through the sawdust.
Act II: Enter the villain:
Re: Tree in front yard (Fantasyland)
So let me get this straight – You are offering for anyone to come to your house, cut down your tree and haul it away, all at no cost to me? You sure you don’t need someone to give you a bath and remodel your house for free as well?
I’ll bet you have people knocking down the door and your voicemail full, what with such a once in a lifetime opportunity!
Let me tell you, opera fans, if you’ve never heard a baritone (villains are always baritones) belt out the showstopping cadenza to “OPPORTUNISTIC MORON” live, you haven’t lived. It’s truly awe-inspiring.
Act III: In which a random chorus of Vikings makes their grand entrance from another opera/posting from the same metropolitan area, also having to do with trees and the removal therewith:
RE : Free Tree Service (spam spam spam )
ENOUGH re-posting your add in the FREE catagory .put it under WANTED where it belongs !!!!!! and ONLY post it 1 time like you are suppose to if you cant read the rules have someone read them for you !!!!!!!!!!!!!YOUR ADD IS GETTING OLD MOOOOOOOCHING FOR FREE WOOD.
The curtain rises to reveal a small cafe. A group of Vikings inexplicably sit in the cafe. They are chanting, pausing only on the word MOOOOOOOCHING, sliding up and down in pitch on the extended syllable as if they were singing a Mariah Carey song on American Idol, only even more irritatingly so. The internal rhymes of rules and you and the half-rhyme of old and wood are punctuated by the Vikings’ beating of their fists on the table rhythmically.
As Vikings are wont to do, they begin singing an ode to trees and processed lunch meat. The opera ends with Rick and Ann wondering where the Vikings came from, and why the heck the guy begging for people to let him cut down their trees hasn’t contacted them, as they are people begging for someone to come cut down their tree and they live in the same metropolitan area. They wonder what is in the water in this particular town that makes people so angry about Craigslist postings about cutting down trees. They decide that “cut down trees” is a metaphor, but they’re not sure what for, and they leave, singing their final lament, “So I don’t misstaken it for junk.”
As the curtain closes, the Vikings’ chant has been reduced to a single syllable. Its haunting refrain remains even as the orchestra packs up, collects their paycheck, and heads for the bar in a vain attempt to forget the evening’s performance.
Truly a drama of epic proportions. And the lesson to be learned from our tree-opera?
“And this, our life, exempt from public haunt, finds tongues in trees, books in the running brooks, sermons in stones, and good in everything.” ~William Shakespeare, As You Like It, Act II Scene 1.
“Except in Craigslist postings.” ~YSaC, Vol. C.