YSaC, Vol. 819: That means The Police made $8,340,000,000,000!

2010 October 14

$8.34 in change


Are you unemployed? Bored? Have nothing better to do at the moment? Enjoy walking halfway across town in the heat to pick up something that very well may be gone by the time you get there? Yes to all of those? Then read on! Sitting at the corner of ##### and #####, right next to the stop sign and the flower lady’s sign, in a glass jar that was formerly the home of 16oz of Santa Cruz Organic peanut butter, is a fistful of change. I don’t want it because it is encrusted with tar and motor oil from spending several years living on the floorboards of a pickup truck. I suppose a can of brake cleaner might remove all that grime. So, now you know what it is and where it’s at. I’ll remove this as soon as I see it’s gone (please take the jar too)

OK, Sparky, I’ll bite. A can of brake cleaner costs somewhere in the vicinity of three or four bucks, so for a net profit of about one value meal, I’d be happy to walk across town, pick up your jar of change, clean it off, and save you from a littering citation for leaving this crap on the sidewalk.

Just to be fair, however, I’ll be dropping off a fifty gallon drum of used dishwasher parts, rusty shock absorbers and a rabid badger. Please make sure you take the drum too.

Thanks for the link, Mike!

197 Responses leave one →
  1. 2010 October 14
    sarajean80 permalink

    If it’s “encrusted with tar and motor oil from spending several years living on the floorboards of a pickup truck” then how does Sparky know how much is in the jar?

    And what the hell is wrong with his truck?

    Adores: 7
    • 2010 October 14

      [truckcorey]My father, a renowned slob, once owned a Ford pickup truck. He was a carpenter by trade so tools, food wrappers, building plans, and all manner of junk wound up on the floorboard of the truck. One day he decided to clean it out. Imagine his surprise when after all the gunk was removed he found the floorboard had rusted clean through. LOL..good times…[/endtruckcorey]

      Adores: 13
      • 2010 October 14
        Windrose permalink

        Aw, CJ, I was expecting something like he found a hundred dollar bill, or a gold nugget. 8) Guess it could have been worse. He might have found a rabid badger.

        Adores: 7
        • 2010 October 14
          Lola permalink

          C’mon, rabid badgers can be exciting!

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 October 14

          Am I the only one picturing the groundhog driving scene with Bill Murray in “Groundhog Day”?

          “Check your mirrors…side to side. Don’t drive angry!”

          Yes, I am easily amused.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 October 14
          mudslicker permalink

          Rabid badgers are usually only found in winter bagels hiding under the gentrar (or was that the altnater?).

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 October 14

          Is the altnater what you would use to sprinkle the badger?

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 October 14
          mudslicker permalink

          I only like badger sprinkles on my ferret flavored cupcakes.

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 October 14
          kelli permalink

          Note to self: Do not accept any baked goods from Mudsy.

          Adores: 7
        • 2010 October 14
          mudslicker permalink

          But my gravy is to die for!

          Adores: 4
      • 2010 October 14
        sarajean80 permalink

        Awww…I was hoping he found a diamond 🙂

        Having random crap in the floorboards of your truck is understandable, but if tar and motor oil are leaking out of your engine compartment and pooling in your change jar, you have deeper issues than cleaning up a handful of nasty coins.

        Adores: 6
        • 2010 October 14

          It’s about as much fun as climbing into the car one frigid morning to find a cloyingly-sweet stench, green goo on the passenger-side floor, and no heat/defroster.

          Of course, if you’re like my son…when your heater core gives up the ghost you defrost your windshield with a blowtorch FROM THE INSIDE.

          Adores: 10
        • 2010 October 14
          sarajean80 permalink

          Well, if he did it from the outside the cab wouldn’t get all toasty warm.

          Adores: 7
        • 2010 October 14

          Yes, but he also managed to crack the windshield…in many places.

          He’s the King of Not-Thinking-It-Throughville.

          Adores: 7
        • 2010 October 14
          sarajean80 permalink

          Ahhh, Not-Thinking-It-Throughville. I vacation there often.

          I had the “genius” idea once that since salt melted ice, I could use a spray bottle of salt water to remove the frost from my windows without all that tedious scraping. FYI salt water will remove window frost but replaces it with a thick white crust that makes your car look like a glazed doughnut.

          Adores: 9
        • 2010 October 14
          Bombdude permalink

          See SJ, the trick is to rinse it off after it has removed the window frost… Spray it off with the hose…

          😉

          *I live in Not-Thinking-It-Throughville. Made me more McGyverish, minus the cool hair and all…

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 14
          sarajean80 permalink

          I was in a big hurry so I left home before it dried and revealed the crusty white film.

          As I’m driving down the road it gets harder and harder to see out the windows, much to my puzzlement, until I realized my “brilliant” idea was not so much. I finally stopped at a gas station and squeegeed the windows clean. I kinda felt bad about that, I’m sure the person who used it after me was wondering why their windows looked worse after they cleaned them.

          These days I just buy a big jug of de-icing windshield washer fluid and put it in a spray bottle.

          Adores: 2
  2. 2010 October 14
    Tacomagic permalink

    Wow! That will go perfect with my collection of disturbingly dirty currency!

    What else do I have in my collection I hear you ask? Well here are my Japanese coins in a mug full of mold; it took over 2 years to get the mold to fill the entire cup. I have these rubles which spent a year in a fireplace; they’re nice ‘n sooty now. I have a handful of slimy change I scraped off the bottom of a wishing well. Oh, and my best piece, a $10 from 1843 that was scrapped off the floor of the most popular prostitute in Las Vegas!

    Hey? Where’d everyone go?

    Adores: 22
    • 2010 October 14

      “scrapped off the floor of the most popular prostitute..”

      Holy sh*t! Comment.Of.The.Day.

      Seriously, drmk (bees be upon her), please, please, please do NOT turn back on the editing feature…

      *wipes tears of laughter from cheeks*

      Adores: 20
      • 2010 October 14
        Artsy Computer Geek permalink

        I wanted to ask how Taco “scrapped off the floor of the most popular prostitute..” but after thinking about it a minute, I don’t think I want to know.

        Adores: 8
        • 2010 October 14
          sarajean80 permalink

          Sounds like something from “Casual Encounters” on CL.

          Adores: 6
      • 2010 October 14
        mudslicker permalink

        Hey? Where’d everyone go?

        We’re off changing our underwear.

        p.s. Yes, pretty please hold off on reinstating the edit feature for awhile.

        Adores: 13
      • 2010 October 14
        Tacomagic permalink

        Yeah, things are going to get interesting now that I don’t have my editing crutch.

        Maybe I’ll start proofreading*.

        *Probably not.

        Adores: 9
        • 2010 October 14
          CoffDrop permalink

          Did you scrape that bill up off the floor? Uh, were you employed by the house at the time? You are my hero TM!

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 October 14
          EclecticBlue permalink

          Maybe I’ll start proofreading*.

          Just do what I do… Type up a comment, switch back to work and forget about it for a few minutes, and then come back and read your comment again before submitting…. It’s almost like having the edit feature! :-p

          Adores: 3
      • 2010 October 14

        scrapped off the floor of the most popular prostitute in Las Vegas

        What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas!*

        *Please Taco for Clothespin Jeebus Spice Christ sake, ALWAYS remember this!

        Adores: 6
        • 2010 October 14
          sarajean80 permalink

          Except for herpes. That s**t will come back with you.

          **Hi Taco! :waves:

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 October 14
          kelli permalink

          [Las Vegas prostitute corey] Las Vegas is actually part of Clark County, the only (as far as I can recall) county that does not have legalized prostitution. They still have prostitution mind you, they just call it “escort services” and the like. [/corey]

          I just realized that the first tag makes it look like I’m calling myself a Las Vegas prostitute, but I’m leaving it anyway.

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 October 14

          Will you accept $8.34 of slightly soiled coins in a Skippy jar for your “favors”?
          I can get really good directions to it…

          Adores: 7
        • 2010 October 14
          sarajean80 permalink

          I seem to recall from some program I watched on TV that the reason for that is because the population of a county has to be under a certain threshold for prostitution to be legal. Clark County has too many people in it, so the “professionals” have to set up shop just outside the county line. Not sure why I remember that, It’s not like that’s the reason I go to Vegas. There are also many excellent thrift shops.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 October 14
          kelli permalink

          Sorry Ham, my “favors” do not include the use of dairy or cooking oil based products.

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 October 14
          mudslicker permalink

          Forget Las Vegas. I wanna visit me some Los Vegos—could this be land of the male vegetables?

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 October 14
          NotMyName permalink

          So, you can’t cook, kelli?

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 October 14

          Then costumes are OK?
          Sweet!

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 14
          kelli permalink

          NMN, I can and do cook, it’s just not one of my “favors”

          Hammy, if you want to dress up like an Anime schoolgirl, who am I to object?

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 October 14

          I’m game, but what are you going to dress up as?

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 14
          kelli permalink

          Ham, I guess if you’re the schoolgirl, I’ll have to be something with tentacles. Or Tuxedo Max.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 October 14
          NotMyName permalink

          *Put’s self in corner”

          “A tentacle!”

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 October 14
          NotMyName permalink

          Dang it kelli, you answered when I was typing that.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 October 14
          Bombdude permalink

          could this be land of the male vegetables?

          Could be, Mudsy… carrots, cucumbers and the like…

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 October 14
          kelli permalink

          And a turnip shaped just like a thingy.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 October 14
          EclecticBlue permalink

          I had a bell pepper a couple weeks ago that grew a beard and a penis…

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 14

          Is there a pig at this party?

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 14
          Bombdude permalink

          Ewwww, on both counts….

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 October 15
          Bombdude permalink

          And a turnip shaped just like a thingy.

          They don’t call it a tuber fer nuthin’

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 October 15
          kelli permalink

          Bombdude, it was a Black Adder reference.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 October 15
          Bombdude permalink

          Wow, something I didn’t even know I was missing! Rowan and all!! Gonna have to go check that out. Thanks Kelli.

          Adores: 1
    • 2010 October 14
      Bavec permalink

      Taco- do you take Canadian currency? My ex once found one slathered in moose droppings. Which begs the question why, but I never bothered to ask..

      Adores: 3
      • 2010 October 14
        EclecticBlue permalink

        Do meese even eat loons?

        Adores: 5
        • 2010 October 14
          LurkRealClose permalink

          [Corey the Moose]Mooses are vegemetarians, but if someone dropped a looney (or even a tooney) in the vegetables, a mooses could have eated it[/corey]

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 October 14

          Mooses eat vegemite? I never knew that! 🙂

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 October 14
          LurkRealClose permalink

          Why, yes! They have this exchange program with the Koala’s (some sort of British Empire animal thing) and Koala’s actually eat maple leaves as a delicacy.*

          *This is almost certainly not true.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 October 14

          They have this exchange program with the Koala’s

          Nothing worse then a defective Koala!

          Adores: 5
  3. 2010 October 14
    Artsy Computer Geek permalink

    Sparky’s been living there the last few years. He has issue taking the trash out. Half empty oil can … throw on the floor boards. Empty beer cans, mostly empty tuna cans, whatever else he consumes throw it all on the floor. Suddenly Sparky decides it time for some spring cleaning (probably a female is involved) and here we are.

    FYI – given up on FireFox during the testing period. 400 error every time I try to do anything. Switched to Safari & it been ok for several days.

    Adores: 3
    • 2010 October 14

      I’m happy that the mobile site is down, but the full site seems to be loading a lot slower today than before.

      Adores: 2
    • 2010 October 14
      CapnMac permalink

      Been nicely stable (knock wood) on IE yesterday and today.

      But–heres the (odd) rub–Gravatars seem to be all over the place. Can confirm over there all I want, but, what is displayed will be a bit random.

      Adores: 1
    • 2010 October 14

      No problems yet, but I’d recently cleared all the stuff I usually need to clear for it to work on FF, so I’m still in the wait and see period.

      Adores: 1
      • 2010 October 14

        Spoke too soon…got the 400 bad request while handing out doors. Had to clear everything yet again to get it to work on FF.

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 14
          CapnMac permalink

          Still good in IE, even left open in the background (knock wood)

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 14
          Windrose permalink

          Time to stop knocking on your wood, Cap. More than twice is playing with it.

          Adores: 6
    • 2010 October 14
      SilvaNoir permalink

      I’ve had no problems on FireFox with this site lately. hmm.

      Adores: 2
  4. 2010 October 14

    Hey 8-Buck Sparky! This is your lucky day. Yessireebob…I would love to take your grimy money, but in return I insist you take a few things that I think when totalled will equal $8.34 in value.

    They are:

    1. A bee truck
    2. Some vintage Crisco
    3. Da minty shell
    4. A green prom dress of questionable lineage – is it mint or green, you decide.

    But, if you act now I’ll throw in a swingset, complete with deer carcass and lastly…since you seem like such a nice person….I’ll even let you have my most prized possession…this lovely misjay.

    So, do we have a deal?

    Adores: 7
    • 2010 October 14
      Artsy Computer Geek permalink

      CJ — I think you should throw in the sandbox boat also, just to top off the deal.

      Adores: 6
      • 2010 October 14

        I thought about it, Artsy, but I’m pretty sure that would push the total value to at least $8.50.

        Adores: 6
  5. 2010 October 14
    Lola permalink

    $8.34 in change

    a glass jar that was formerly the home of 16oz of Santa Cruz Organic peanut butter

    Observation: For a slob, Sparky is oddly specific and detail-oriented.

    Adores: 10
    • 2010 October 14
      Tacomagic permalink

      Well, hoarding IS a form of OCD after all…

      Adores: 5
      • 2010 October 14
        Ridicuously.Insular permalink

        Last I checked, Santa Cruz and vicinity is not a commercial producer of peanuts, which raises the question: just what was that 16oz of organic butter?

        Adores: 3
    • 2010 October 14
      mudslicker permalink

      I’m surprised Sparky the Slob is into Organic. I wouldn’t have classified him as someone I might run into in Whole Foods and paying for his edamame with a pocket full of tar-balled quarters.

      Adores: 6
      • 2010 October 14
        Lola permalink

        I was thinking the same thing. My stereotype included the kind of guy who buys food that’s been deep-fried early in the morning and then on greasy display under a heat lamp for seven hours, and he purchases it when he stops in to gas up, stock up on windshield fluid, and gets a pack of jerky as an appetizer and a half-rack of Rainier/Schmitt/Carling/Genessee to wash it all down with.

        Adores: 5
        • 2010 October 14
          mudslicker permalink

          You forgot Pabst/Schlitz/Little Kings/Busch and the tin of Skoal®.

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 October 14
          Lola permalink

          You’re absolutely right. How did I forget the chew?

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 October 14
          sarajean80 permalink

          That makes me question the source of the “tar” in the Jar of Supreme Yuckiness, Extra Chunky Coinage.

          Adores: 7
        • 2010 October 14
          Artsy Computer Geek permalink

          Yeah and if that food is on a stick it’s even better. (Maybe that’s only down here.)

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 October 14
          sarajean80 permalink

          Hey, the fair is in town now – there’s all kinds of questionable food choices available with and without sticks. (At least for the next two weeks)

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 October 14
          kelli permalink

          Deep fried Meredith may or may not be available depending on if she keeps misspelling subtle.

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 October 14
          Artsy Computer Geek permalink

          SJ – I drove by a billboard for the fair this morning. I think it must be stuck in my head.

          Totally unrelated – the new fad last year was fried bacon dipped in chocolate. Yes it was on a stick.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 October 14

          Trust me, there are plenty of organic-minded/cruelty-free/freegan-vegans out there who are complete slobs.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 October 14
          mudslicker permalink

          I think those are only indigenous to the PNW christina. Here in the Midwest, it’s a bet that the elusive tar-jar-change-junky would consider pink Hostess Snowballs to be an entrée.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 October 14
          sarajean80 permalink

          Artsy – According to one of my coirkers, this year they have cheeseburgers made with Krispy Kremes and deep-fried pickles flavored with Kool-Aid. The pickles are probably on a stick.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 October 14
          Bombdude permalink

          Ahh yes, the Luther Burger Supposedly made famous by Luther Vandross.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 October 14

          I’d agree, Mudsy, but we have quite a few here in Texas as well, but I’m in the hippie-haven of north TX so it’s not uncommon to see Mr. Winkey driving a leaky truck to the health food store.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 October 14
          Lola permalink

          Latest thing I heard of in the deep-fried category (I can’t recall whether it was available on a stick, but suspect so) was deep-fried beer. I still haven’t heard the details/can’t figure it out.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 October 14
          sarajean80 permalink

          It’s probably a lot like the deep-fried Coca-Cola they have. They mix up funnel cake batter using Coke instead of water and then serve it, drizzled with Coke syrup, in a cup.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 October 14
          NotMyName permalink

          They had deep-fried Snickers at the Renaissance Festival this year. They were delicious.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 October 14

          Medieval Snickers come from Sir Laughs A Lot. TeeHeeTeeHee

          Adores: 10
        • 2010 October 14
          mudslicker permalink

          Oh, I thought you were in Portland, OR christina! I forgot you live in TX—land of the dry counties and drive-through liquor stores.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 October 14
          EclecticBlue permalink

          Deep fried Meredith may or may not be available depending on if she keeps misspelling subtle.

          *sudttle

          😉

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 October 14
          mudslicker permalink

          Gee, I would have thought that they served only deep fried Three Musketeers at the Renaissance Festival, Hammy D’Artanian.

          TeeHeeTee

          Adores: 8
        • 2010 October 14
          NotMyName permalink

          EB, I thought it was suttle.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 October 14
          EclecticBlue permalink

          NMN, it was an attempt at combining “suttle” and “sudtle”…

          Also, yesterday I saw a license plate that said “[###] NMN” and it made me giggle. The old lady driving it probably wasn’t a gamer… Though, thinking she was in a video game might explain the way she was driving :-p

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 October 14
          kelli permalink

          Deep fried NMN and EB may also be on the menu

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 October 14
          EclecticBlue permalink

          Mmmm…. Deep fried MnMs….

          Adores: 4
      • 2010 October 14
        CapnMac permalink

        Well, to [corey] this, I’m guessing Sparky here has a leaky truck. Sparky might also be a part-time, occasional, roofer.

        To stop the truck leaking on somebody’s driveway (or a pot of roof repair tar), Sparky scrounged a jar from some near-by trash can.

        Said jar had contained organic PB.

        Then, while en route to some location, Spark’ sent his helper into the stop-n-rob with a $10 bill for $1.66 of coffee/beverage/jerky/whatever and then the helper, without looking, put the change in the tar-jar.

        This is why Spark’ knows the exact amount. And also the composition of the ‘stuff’ in the jar.

        Alternately, the change was in the scrounged jar anyway, when Spark was parked at the stree corner doing som odd job within.

        Some person of authority remonstrated at Spark’ about whatever wsa dripping out of the truck.

        So, the helper was sent to ‘correct’ that.

        The helper grabbed the jar, and put it under the leak, but not before wiping up the extant spillage.

        Thus, the jar is part glued-down in situ. So, not only is Spark’ out the change, and the jar, the people there know it was Sparky left it there, stuck.

        In a brilliant flash of persperation, Spark’ hit upon getting a CL hipster to come grub away Spark’s problem. If the clients are wobbly about the mess, Spark’ blames the hipster. If the clients find a hipster La Brea-ed oustside their door, they’ll just assume it’s ‘normal’ hipster activity.

        Being a hipster, his story will make no sense anyway, since with LE on scene and currency part glued to the hipster, the sidewalk, drain and brake cleaner every where, too, hipster will be all stammery and less-coherent.

        LE will be mad, as they will not have a spare tarp to put on the backseat of the cruiser. Which means the lowest LE to show (or rattiest B&W) will be afflicted with the cuffed hipster and the solvent-dripping adhesive collection of evidence.

        And, no one will remember to blame Sparky in the resulting confusion.

        Despite the fact that the hipster will become more likely to catch something communicable, or mutagenic, from the solvents. The stress on the LEO will probably shorten at least one career and complicate at least one more–losing the City valuable trained First Responders. Also, the city will be out at least the one backseat for a squad car–but might need a floor mat, and door handles. Oh, and the shelf in the evidence locker, and a solvent-proof bin for the evidence.

        Yep, Sparky “wins”; he’s only out the change and the effort to type a CL ad. The resto the City gets to share in the thousands of collateral costs . . . le sigh.

        Adores: 7
        • 2010 October 14
          EclecticBlue permalink

          All I got out of that was that hipsters are smelly, and we need a t-shi[r]t that says “Blame Sparky!” :-p

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 October 14
          mudslicker permalink

          That’s WAY more than I got out of it. Kudos to you EB!

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 14
          NotMyName permalink

          Is it okay if I feel sorry for the hipster for being caught in such a trap?

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 October 14
          EclecticBlue permalink

          No, NMN, it’s really not… It’s never acceptable to feel sorry for hipsters. Even when their Macbook dies.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 October 14
          Bombdude permalink

          It’s ok, Cap’n. I’m witcha… Just ignore the rabble wimmins ones who can’t follow along…

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 October 14
          Lola permalink

          Just ignore the rabble wimmins ones who can’t follow along…

          *steals all of Bombdude’s fuses, detcord, and caps for that comment*

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 October 14
          SilvaNoir permalink

          Whoa, I actually understood all of Captain’s story… maybe because I know too many repairmen who save dirty containers to put assorted things in- pennies, screws, etc.

          and am now imagining LaBrea tarpits with sparkies and hipsters instead of mammoths and sabertooth cats.

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 October 14
          CapnMac permalink

          *smiles serene and innocent-like; uses tiny motion to draw attention to non-descript large box being leant upon*

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 October 14

          Bravo, Cap’n! I got it too, and you would have another door if I was door-enabled.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 October 15
          Bombdude permalink

          Wow, Cap’n… You are the man. I’ve heard that Christina is very well (door) endowed….

          Adores: 2
  6. 2010 October 14
    mudslicker permalink

    $8.34 in change

    Yes, but is it Change We Can Believe In?

    Adores: 16
    • 2010 October 14
      Lola permalink

      Only if we can see it, and it doesn’t dissolve in the brake fluid or whatever it is Sparky recommends to clean it.

      Adores: 7
      • 2010 October 14
        mudslicker permalink

        All I can say is, I guess we all should be happy that Sparky didn’t volunteer with the cleanup of the BP spill. He’d have organized a Scavenger Hunt to locate an assortment of oil encrusted sea creatures.

        One the north end of the beach between the ##### and the ##### there is a mound that looks like a rock. However, it might actually be either a tar ball turtle or a petroleum pelican. I don’t want it because it’s encrusted with tar and offshore drill rig oil. I suppose a bottle of Dawn might remove all that grime. So, now you know what it may be and where it’s at. I’ll remove this as soon as I see it’s gone (please take the flies and the jellyfish too).

        Adores: 19
        • 2010 October 14

          This.is.brilliant.
          I hate not having doors.

          Adores: 10
        • 2010 October 14
          Bombdude permalink

          Did you leave them open and someone stole them?

          Adores: 7
        • 2010 October 14
          CapnMac permalink

          How odd, after the other day, Adores have been working for me.

          Adores: 0
      • 2010 October 14

        Actually, Bombdude, half the doors in my house are missing. We’re renovating so, like EB, I get to make ‘have a door’ jokes at home that get me blank stares.

        Adores: 5
        • 2010 October 14
          Artsy Computer Geek permalink

          Christina — I’ve torn apart the guest bathroom. No shower doors, no guest bedroom door, no hallway door. I have a lot of sheetrock dust, if you need any.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 October 14
          EclecticBlue permalink

          We’re picking up a new door for Mini’s room this week.

          Yes, I will again be making jokes met with blank stares :-p

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 October 14
          NotMyName permalink

          At least you don’t live in a mansion, because then you would need elebenty doors.

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 October 14

          You would be surprised at how many doors these WWII era bungalows have. Ours has two additions to the original structure and a lot of closets so we need almost elebenty.
          Now, if we had the money I’d go with exotic wood so that I could say I have elebenty brazillion doors.

          Adores: 4
    • 2010 October 14

      *throwing every door in the known universe at mudsy*

      Awesomesauce.

      Simply.Awesomsauce.

      Adores: 10
  7. 2010 October 14

    I didn’t know you could launder money with brake cleaner!

    *Calls up Guido*

    “Hey Guido, stop sending our money to offshore banks and get your arse over the AutoZone”

    Adores: 10
    • 2010 October 14
      sarajean80 permalink

      Can’t you just remove the gunk with one of the Death Rays from the Orbital Cave of Wonders?

      Adores: 4
      • 2010 October 14

        Well…yes but it’s lowest power setting would also remove a 10 foot chunk of the street corner.

        *Uses tractor beam to shake the jar*

        Adores: 3
      • 2010 October 14
        NotMyName permalink

        No, someone threw some grenades down their exhaust chutes. They’re not working right now.

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 14
          CapnMac permalink

          Yeah, but if the exhaust chute is smaller than a swamp-rat, then you run into the problem that not everything will mario-pipe

          (there’s a video on Fail of a Sparky trying to demonstrate just this)

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 October 14

          First thing i did was put a grate over the exhaust ports…duh
          And then I installed an anti-TheForce field

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 October 14
          NotMyName permalink

          But did you block up the exhaust* and/or trash chutes?

          *Who’s to say Death Rays don’t have exhaust pipes?

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 October 14

          It’s in space, if you don’t cover all the openings the air leaks out…

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 October 14
          NotMyName permalink

          I’m not stupid Hammy.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 14

          Commas, commas, commas…,

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 October 14
          EclecticBlue permalink

          You don’t need commas Hammy… 🙂

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 October 14

          You’re not stupid EB either…

          Adores: 3
  8. 2010 October 14
    PrincessLuceval permalink

    Tarball Change Jar now opening for Rabid Badger! See them at the corner of ##### and #####! Arrive early enough to see Flower Lady’s Sign!

    Adores: 7
    • 2010 October 14
      Lola permalink

      What a great bill! Forget the 40 Watt, I’m gonna be at ##### and ##### tonight!

      Adores: 3
    • 2010 October 14
      Innana permalink

      And here is the back-up for Rabid Badger:
      http://www.victorianamagazine.com/archives/7000/walterpotter

      Adores: 5
      • 2010 October 15
        Bombdude permalink

        Inanna!!! you got photos from the last Squirrel Nut Zipper concert?!?!?!?

        Lucky girl, you!!!

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 15
          Innana permalink

          Nothing says celebration like rodents in a brass section.

          Adores: 1
  9. 2010 October 14
    Bianchi Sound permalink

    OK, I’m a fan, but I give up. What’s the Police reference?

    Or do you mean the Proclaimers?

    Adores: 3
    • 2010 October 14
      Lola permalink

      I’m curious about the Police reference too. Elucidate?

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 October 14
        PrincessLuceval permalink

        Maybe instead of “Message In A Bottle” it’s “Tarball In A Change Jar”?

        Adores: 3
      • 2010 October 14
        Bombdude permalink

        Yeah, Sparky’s “sendin’ out an S.O.S”…

        Adores: 5
        • 2010 October 14
          mudslicker permalink

          That doesn’t explain the $8 trillion 340 billion bucks The Police supposedly made from only $8.34 in change. Must have to do with CatMath.

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 October 14
          MandaB permalink

          I’m thinking “Message in a Bottle” as well for the line at the end about 100 million bottles washed up on the shore. Someone else has to do the math.* My brain is hurting today and my laptop is dead.

          *I know, I know. Just move the decimal point. It is too much for me today.

          Adores: 8
        • 2010 October 14
          Bianchi Sound permalink

          Oh. Duh.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 October 14
          drmk permalink

          Manda B has it.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 October 14
          Bianchi Sound permalink

          With all of the walking across town in the post, I was going for “Walking in Your Footsteps” and “Walking on the Moon.”

          We all forgot about “Every Little Thing In The Santa Cruz Organic Peanut Butter Jar Can Be Cleaned Up With Brake Cleaner.”

          Adores: 5
    • 2010 October 14
      mudslicker permalink

      De Doo doo doo De dah dah dah….

      *I’m curious yellow as well*

      Adores: 4
      • 2010 October 14
        kelli permalink

        I’m curious too, but not yellow. I’m sort of a pinkish gray, mostly.

        Adores: 3
        • 2010 October 14
          mudslicker permalink

          Okay kelli. Then you can just be curious georgeous.

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 October 14
          EclecticBlue permalink

          Rocky on the outside and sparkly on the inside?

          Adores: 2
  10. 2010 October 14
    tigprincess permalink

    I suspect dan has been giving us too easy musical references recently and has put this one in to confuse us. He’s certainly succeeded as far as I’m concerned. *this is not difficult*

    Adores: 4
  11. 2010 October 14

    I think Sparky is trying to become the next youtube celebrity. I bet he has a hidden camera set up across the street and anytime someone attempts to take the change, Mr. Winkey jumps out of a dumpster and challenges them to a hobo showdown.

    Adores: 7
    • 2010 October 14
      kelli permalink

      Hobo Showdown is my favorite game show. I love the Dumpster Dive challenge.

      Adores: 6
      • 2010 October 14
        Lola permalink

        The “departing contestant” a/k/a loser gets to take home a year’s supply of off-brand stale chips and snacks!

        Adores: 4
        • 2010 October 14
          kelli permalink

          The winner gets to become or continue being the spokeshobo for a certain t-shirt company.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 October 14
          Bombdude permalink

          Hey, one man’s off brand is another man’s treasure…

          Adores: 3
    • 2010 October 14
      Lola permalink

      Hobo Showdown, tonight at ##### and #####!

      Adores: 4
      • 2010 October 14
        NotMyName permalink

        The end match is between Mr. Winkey, the $6 Shirts Hobo, versus Bob the hobo whose family was kidnapped by ninja and needs $4* for karate lessons.

        *Yeah, I know it was “$ 4 karate lessons.”

        Adores: 4
        • 2010 October 14
          Bombdude permalink

          Well, with that kind of scratch, he can get top notch lessons from this guy .

          Adores: 2
      • 2010 October 14
        mudslicker permalink

        Wouldn’t that be more of a Hobo Ho’down?

        I’m game for throwing Billy the Exterminator into the mix.

        Adores: 2
        • 2010 October 14
          Lola permalink

          The guy who gets the crowd warmed up beforehand should be ROOFER ROOFER ROOFER ROOFER ROOFER ROOFER ROOFER ROOFER ROOFER ROOFER ROOFER guy.

          Adores: 4
    • 2010 October 14
      LurkRealClose permalink

      I was thinking that Hobo Showdown was the name of IF’s Travelling Willbury’s cover band.

      Adores: 3
  12. 2010 October 14
    NotMyName permalink

    Notice that Sparky never said he got the jar from HIS truck. For all we know, it’s someone else’s jar of greasy coins, and Sparky is a (stupid) thief.

    Adores: 3
  13. 2010 October 14
    kelli permalink

    Are you unemployed?

    No, but I barely work, is that close enough?

    Bored? Have nothing better to do at the moment?

    Well, I was going to stalk check what Professor Hottie was up to today, but I guess that can wait.

    Enjoy walking halfway across town in the heat to pick up something that very well may be gone by the time you get there?

    Can I skip instead of walking? I just learned how to skip, and I want to show off my new skill.

    Yes to all of those?

    Not really, but I can fake it for now.

    Then read on!

    On what?

    Sitting at the corner of ##### and #####, right next to the stop sign and the flower lady’s sign, in a glass jar that was formerly the home of 16oz of Santa Cruz Organic peanut butter, is a fistful of change.

    Who’s fist? I mean if it’s Herve’s fist, that’s not much money but if it’s Robert Wadlow it could be quite a bit.

    I don’t want it because it is encrusted with tar and motor oil from spending several years living on the floorboards of a pickup truck.

    Wait, the money is alive or at least was alive?

    I suppose a can of brake cleaner might remove all that grime.

    It might also remove my skin for all I know.

    So, now you know what it is and where it’s at. I’ll remove this as soon as I see it’s gone (please take the jar too)

    Wait, how do I know the jar isn’t haunted? I worry about these sort of things.

    Adores: 21
    • 2010 October 14
      kelli permalink

      Arrrgh….I mean whose fist. I feel like Taco.

      Adores: 4
      • 2010 October 14
        NotMyName permalink

        Taco’s pseudonym is Fist?

        Adores: 6
        • 2010 October 14
          NotMyName permalink

          Oh I wish the edit function was on. Let me rephrase that.

          Taco’s freudonym is Fist?

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 October 14
          kelli permalink

          NMN I really didn’t mean to fist Taco.

          Wait, what?

          Adores: 10
        • 2010 October 14
          NotMyName permalink

          I’m just going to pretend you didn’t say that. Deal? Or no deal?

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 October 14
          kelli permalink

          NMN, I have no idea to what you could be referring.*

          *This may be untrue. Oh and deal.

          Adores: 7
      • 2010 October 14
        CapnMac permalink

        The “Who’s Fist”?

        Well, Pete’s will have scars from windmilling guitarstrings.
        Keith & John’s will be a bit gristly (even ‘ghastly’ one supposes, being post mortem).
        Which really only leaves Roger, but he probably has a PA for actually handling money . . .

        Adores: 5
        • 2010 October 14
          LurkRealClose permalink

          Capn, I wish I could give you more than one door. This was awesome!

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 15
          CapnMac permalink

          For waht?
          Being old enough to have listened to The Who before they broke up the first time?
          Or having listened on the radio, when the station played the new LP, which was on vinyl?

          (Was also faced with having to look up which members beside Bertram Cummings would still be around from The Guess Who–tho- I prefer the Lenny Kravitz version of American Woman.)

          But, I’ve all sorts of trivia loose in my knoggin, too; names like Rich Brotherton, Tom Van Shaick, Bill Whitbeck, Marty Muse, and even the legendary Brian Duckworth.

          Adores: 1
  14. 2010 October 14

    Bored Walk
    By: The Thrifters

    Oh, when the sun beats down and burns the tar on the change in the jar
    And your shoes get so hot from walking half way across town for naught
    Gone on a bored walk, down by the flower lady’s sign, yeah
    In an organic peanut jar that’s where it’ll be

    (Gone on a bored walk) out in the sun
    (Gone on a bored walk) we’ll be gettin’ some change
    (Gone on a bored walk) It’s encrusted with grime
    (Gone on a bored walk) we’re all unemployed
    Gone on a bored walk (bored-walk!)

    Sitting at the corner of ISH and [Location]
    Ewwwww, you can almost locate the jar by the motor oil smell
    Gone on a bored walk, down by the flower lady’s sign, yeah
    In an organic peanut jar that’s where where it’ll be

    Gone on a bored walk) out in the sun
    (Gone on a bored walk) we’ll be gettin’ some change
    (Gone on a bored walk) It’s encrusted with grime
    (Gone on a bored walk) we’re all unemployed
    Gone on a bored walk (bored-walk!)

    Oooooh Gone on a bored walk, down by the flower lady’s sign, yeah
    In an organic peanut jar that’s where it’ll be

    Gone on a bored walk) out in the sun
    (Gone on a bored walk) we’ll be gettin’ some change
    (Gone on a bored walk) It’s encrusted with grime
    (Gone on a bored walk) we’re all unemployed
    Gone on a bored walk (bored-walk!)

    Adores: 26
    • 2010 October 14
      kelli permalink

      Have a door. I’d give you a Brazillian but Bridgete seems attached to him.

      Adores: 7
      • 2010 October 15
        Bombdude permalink

        Yeah… They give attached at the hip a new meaning…

        Adores: 1
    • 2010 October 14
      mudslicker permalink

      And here I thought this song was called Down By the Floorboard

      Adores: 4
      • 2010 October 14
        Lola permalink

        “Down by the floorboard,
        Now in the street”

        Adores: 3
        • 2010 October 14

          I actually started out with Under the floor mats, but bored walk fit the rest of the ad more betterer…

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 October 14

          Why Lola! Did you buy Dad’s truck?

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 October 14
          Lola permalink

          No, CJ, but only because parking is a pain in my neighborhood. I mean, it sounds like something that would never get stolen here a steal!

          Adores: 3
      • 2010 October 14
        mudslicker permalink

        Yeah, either way was a win-win.

        Adores: 3
    • 2010 October 14
      Windrose permalink

      Hammy, I love that song, I love your version, and you just made my day super happy! Thanks.

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 October 14

        What the birdie said.
        Srsly*

        *Why can’t I stop saying this? Amanda wasn’t even tag worthy!

        Adores: 3
        • 2010 October 14
          MandaB permalink

          Not tag worthy? Fine! I don’t want to play any of your reindeer games anyway!

          Oh wait – you said Amanda. Not Manda. Sheesh! The angry poetry edumacator is giving us a bad name. Srsly.

          Adores: 7
        • 2010 October 14

          Srsly, Not.a.Manda.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 October 14
          NotMyName permalink

          Who was Amanda?

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 14
          CapnMac permalink

          She showed up, either very late at night, or early the next morning after one of our recent forays into posy and verse. She started the comment with “Srsly” (presumably “seriously”) and berated the knowledge base of we readers here. With a less-than veiled implication that we were clearly under-educated in poetry as either Art or Profession.

          As one might expect with our circle of regulars, beginning an exposition in our ignorance with a text/twitter-ism not not set a very welcoming tone.

          Amanda is lucky her comment was on a slow day, a weekend day, if memory serves.

          We may need to add “srsly” in our wiki memes now <le sigh>

          Adores: 1
    • 2010 October 14
      MandaB permalink

      Beautiful, Hammy! (Or Beautiful Hammy, if you don’t like commas.) Next will you writeGrime in a Bottle by Jim Croce?

      Adores: 3
      • 2010 October 14

        Meh in a bottle


        If could save grime in a bottle
        The first thing that I’d like to do
        Is put in some dimes
        And a quarter or two
        Just to watch them sink into the goo

        If I could make change last forever
        If had nothing better to do
        I’d save four pennies with pleasure and then,
        Again, I would sink them in goo

        But there never are the unemployed
        To do the stupid things you want them to
        Try and find them
        I’ve looked around enough to know
        That there’s no one dumb enough to go
        Through the grime with

        If I had a jar used for peanuts
        And a fistful of cash covered in spew
        The jar would be empty
        Except for the motor oil
        And tar holding eight thirty four

        But there never are the unemployed
        To do the stupid things you want them to
        Try and find them
        I’ve looked around enough to know
        That there’s no one dumb enough to go
        Through the grime with

        Adores: 13
        • 2010 October 14
          NotMyName permalink

          “The Snark Lounge gives “Meh in a Bottle” Elebenty Brazillion doors! Go buy it today!”
          That was supposed to be a review.

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 October 14
          Tankerbell permalink

          Tankerbell gives Hammy two treads up!

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 October 14
          MandaB permalink

          Oh Hammy, it’s even more wonderiffic than I ever dreamed! A million, bajillion doors.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 October 14
          Windrose permalink

          Did you have your supercomputer on your super secret space station that we all know about now write this for you? 8) Cause if so, that’s one talented AI. Brazillions in abundance!

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 October 14
          kelli permalink

          Hammy, every song you write makes me love* you just a little bit more.

          *in a sort of stalker fangirl way.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 October 14

          *Blushes*

          *Rubs toe in dirt*

          Awwww, shucks.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 October 15
          Artsy Computer Geek permalink

          Hammy – I wish I had your talent. (I’m not sure what I’d do with it, but it would be cool to be able to write such funny moving lyrics.)

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 October 15
          mudslicker permalink

          I think he’s got a secret app for that. He just pulls up a song and puts in some key words and voile! Either that, or he’s constantly asking the seamen around him (hehe) “Hey, anybody got a word that rhymes with crud?”

          Adores: 1
  15. 2010 October 14
    Windrose permalink

    I have a theory. When someone lands in the Golden Lotus, or box of Don’t Sucking, they are 65.99% likely to not show up that day, and miss all the fun and frivolity. Sigh. IF really should have been here today.

    Adores: 3
  16. 2010 October 15
    Windrose permalink

    IF, wish you were here. Punchity Punch Punch!

    G’Night, Not-Thinking-It-Throughville!

    Adores: 2
  17. 2010 October 28
    Jinx permalink

    Sounds like Lee Harvey Oswald’s out & looking for someone to help him with target practice…

    Adores: 0
  18. 2011 June 20
    Yutolia permalink

    Why is it that as soon as I’ve finally gotten my own rabid badger, everybody else starts practically giving them away?!?

    Adores: 0

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.