YSaC, Vol. 948: Monday’s table is full of zen.

2011 March 21
tags:
by drmk

Why, hello there! It’s drmk here, fresh from my month-long hiatus from YSaC.* I know you all felt as though I had abandoned you; rest assured, my pointy friends, that I did no such thing. In fact, I was participating in a retreat to cleanse my mind and spirit to allow me to return to YSaC refreshed and ready to snark.

In the spirit of rejuvenation, it’s time for your Monday zen table moment:

Top table for sale


The old table is sale.

Now, this lacks the rhythmic interest of the minimalist magnum opus that was this zen table listing, or the visual stimulation of the original, but all in all I must say that this is a pretty good specimen of zen table. It’s light and crisp, with a smattering of ungrammaticality that lends it character and distinctiveness.

Thanks, Litarider! I’m pretty sure we’ve gotten to the point where we need to give you your own tag, since you were also responsible for a variety of other YSaC sins including this creepy one and REPO – The Genetic Opera.

*By hiatus, I may mean enforced restraining order.

184 Responses leave one →
  1. 2011 March 21

    Nice to know Sale will be receiving a “top” table – the Greater Manchester area has been struggling lately, and needs all the good furniture it can get. However, I disagree with Sparky’s assertion that Sale is an old table (or vice versa) – the people of this metropolitan borough are a decidedly chairy lot.

    Adores: 9
  2. 2011 March 21
    Lola permalink

    “The old red table sale ain’t what it used to be …”

    Adores: 16
    • 2011 March 21

      …it’s made out of whiffletree, it’s made out of whiffletree…

      Adores: 3
  3. 2011 March 21

    Be the table top

    Sale the table old.

    Be the old sale top.

    Table tale is told.

    ohhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm*

    *wonders how making annoying sounds is supposed to relax a person

    Adores: 8
    • 2011 March 21
      Lara permalink

      [corey] Get together with a group of people and yell ohm at the top of your lungs while exhaling totally and you will understand. I used to be puzzled too but I started yoga and now I get it [/corey]

      Adores: 3
      • 2011 March 21
        Windrose permalink

        Lara, I turned your longs into lungs. Hope that’s okay.

        Adores: 6
    • 2011 March 21
      BurritoScience permalink

      PUDDING NOT ON FIRE!

      *Instantly enters meditative trance*

      Adores: 10
  4. 2011 March 21
    Lara permalink

    It is interesting how top turned to old and for turned to is. Hmmm, I need to ponder this for awhile and I may come up with something profound.

    Adores: 3
    • 2011 March 21

      It’s a statement on the malleability and evolution of language and the eternal debates between descriptivism versus prescriptivism, spell check versus grammar check, old versus new, and top versus bottom.

      Adores: 7
      • 2011 March 21

        ….or, it’s an old table for sale…

        Adores: 3
      • 2011 March 21

        Hedwig is like that wall
        Standing before you in a divide between
        East and West
        Slavery and Freedom
        Man and Woman
        Top and Bottom

        (ahem, sorry… spontaneous song)

        Adores: 5
  5. 2011 March 21

    “Top table, old table.
    Top table, old table.”
    I hear “Fiddler on the Roof” in there.

    Adores: 2
    • 2011 March 21
      SisterLyle permalink

      If I were a rich Snark
      Yubby dibby dibby dibby dibby dibby dibby dum
      All Sale long I’d biddy biddy bum
      If I were a wealthy Snark!

      I wouldn’t have to look hard
      Yubby dibby dibby dibby dibby dibby dibby dum
      If I were a biddy biddy rich
      idle deedle daidle daidle Snark.

      I’d build a big, fun site
      With lounges by the dozen
      Right in the middle of the room

      A fine, cheese roof
      with real ceramic heads below…

      There would be one long escalator just going up
      And one much longer going down. (Evil Duck!)
      And one more leading nowhere just for fun!

      I’d fill our yard with ducks, and ducks, and geese
      And ducks for the town to see and hear
      Squawking in praise to our holy llama nun.

      If I were a rich Snark
      Yubby dibby dibby dibby dibby dibby dibby dum
      All Sale long I’d biddy biddy bum
      If I were a wealthy Snark!

      (The abridged version, for sure 🙂 )

      Adores: 17
      • 2011 March 21
        Lola permalink

        I already love that song (original version), but this – customized genius. SisterLyleTacoNunja, why didn’t you join us sooner?

        Adores: 2
        • 2011 March 21
          BurritoScience permalink

          She had to wait for me to visit her and say “Hey, can I use your computer to check on something?”

          Adores: 9
        • 2011 March 21
          SisterLyleTacoNunja permalink

          Yes, so blame Taco for not sending me sooner 😉

          Adores: 5
        • 2011 March 21
          SisterLyleTacoNunja permalink

          She had to wait for me to visit her and say “Hey, can I use your computer to check on something?”

          And that something was the day you got your ‘Ho all the things’ in the box… and the ‘all the things’ jokes have become embedded within mine and my co-workers vernacular. 😀

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 March 21
          TostadaTheist permalink

          Really, I do have to share credit with Hyperbole and a Half… seeing as I totally stole it from her.

          Adores: 5
      • 2011 March 21

        Is that the Fat Boys ala “Disorderlies”?

        Adores: 0
        • 2011 March 21
          mudslicker permalink

          Sounds like P. Diddler on the Roof aka Solomon ‘Puffy” Steincomb.

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 March 21

          I don’t know about diddlers, but Mini is currently potty training, so sometimes he piddles. But, on the floor (or the side of my friend’s couch), not the roof.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 March 21
          SisterLyle permalink

          I truly hope that “Mini” is some sort of canid and not a small child.

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 March 21
          Lola permalink

          SisterLyle, you’d be exactly wrong. 8)

          Adores: 3
  6. 2011 March 21

    Top table for sale
    It has transcended
    Above the material
    To become one
    With the universe
    And stream into
    This plane of existence
    In the form of
    Beat poetry
    Top table for sale
    She isn’t so new
    But she has transcended
    No longer the object
    No longer the sold
    She has become
    Sale itself
    So the next time
    You are somewhere
    Indulging in materialism
    Ask the nearest sales associate
    “Excuse me, is this on table?”
    [bongo run]

    Adores: 5
    • 2011 March 21

      It’s not that hard. You guys are just reading left to right and top to bottom. If you decipher the code, it clearly says: Table Sale-the old table is for sale. Duh. Apparently I’m the only one who got the table decoder ring.

      Adores: 2
      • 2011 March 21
        BurritoScience permalink

        I get:

        Sale! Is table old? The sale for old table top!

        Adores: 4
      • 2011 March 21

        Huh. All mine said was, “Be sure to drink your Ovaltine. It’s on top of the old sale table.”

        Adores: 9
        • 2011 March 21

          If I could give you infinity stars for that I would.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 March 21
          Windrose permalink

          Top the table old for table is sale sale. Reading top to bottom makes more sense.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 March 21
          Astrognash permalink

          THERE ARE GET INFINITY STARS?

          Edit: 😛 It’s a monday.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 March 21
          Addicted Reader permalink

          “The top table (table)
          is for sale (sale)!”

          It’s a call-and-response chant.

          Adores: 1
  7. 2011 March 21
    sarajean80 permalink

    I wanna try this anagram thing.

    “Top table for sale”

    Top Elf Astrolabe – Papa Keebler takes up astronomy as a hobby

    Breastplate Fool – A nickname for armor enthusiasts

    Pratfall Bootees – Slippery shoes for vaudeville performers

    Barefoot Pallets – Much quieter than the Tapshoe Pallets

    Eatables For Plot – The formula for writing a cookbook

    Balsa Fleet Troop – Sailors from the world’s most fragile navy

    Fatal Beret Loops – Stylish headgear for assassins

    Fatal Robot Sleep – The cybernetic version of the Blue Screen of Death

    Adores: 15
    • 2011 March 21
      BurritoScience permalink

      [corey]
      Technically an Astrolabe is more a navigation tool than an astronomy tool.
      [/corey]

      Taco needs coffee.

      Adores: 3
      • 2011 March 21

        I need coffee too. And there’s none to be had 🙁 But, I do have a piano in front of me that I can play as loud as I want, so there’s that. And I heard there’s a sweet table that is sale. So there’s that.

        Adores: 1
      • 2011 March 21

        Careful. That comment is the start of a slippery slope.

        Adores: 2
        • 2011 March 21

          There are times to throw caution to the wind. This is such a time.

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 March 21
          BurritoScience permalink

          I will put all risk aside. I shall be the corey. Well… the other corey anyway.

          The one without a big c.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 March 21
          CapnMac permalink

          Using logs lashed to one’s tractor to get same out of Swedish mud is both unsafe and slippery (but makes a good intertube video . . . )

          Adores: 1
      • 2011 March 21
        sarajean80 permalink

        Uncle Google fails me once again.

        :shakes fist at computer:

        Damn you, impersonal internet search engine!

        Adores: 5
        • 2011 March 21

          Maestro Fresh Wes says, “Let your Astro Glide”

          Adores: 6
        • 2011 March 21
          Astrognash permalink

          **glides in on Silver Surfboard**

          8)

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 March 21
          CapnMac permalink

          SJ:
          “Swedish Tractor Driving”
          The comments are as inane as most comments are of late.

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 March 21
          SisterLyleTacoNunja permalink

          404 Error: Tractor not found.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 March 21
          Addicted Reader permalink

          There appears to be an ‘ at the end of the link that probably shouldn’t be there. Cap’n, you might want to send Windrose some bird seed.

          Adores: 0
    • 2011 March 21

      I’m late to the anagram party, but I liked

      Foetal Portables – but you don’t NEED the diaper bag before birth

      Eatable Fort Slop – stew and beans, most likely

      Salable Pert Foot – when the jar of toenails just isn’t enough any more

      Arable Poets Loft – the poet cleaned so little, you can now grow crops

      Abaft Teller Oops – I have no idea but I love the words

      Poor Basalt Fleet – not so fragile but they didn’t float well

      Adores: 5
  8. 2011 March 21

    Top table for sale.
    Bottom table not in stock.
    Old table is sale.

    Adores: 11
  9. 2011 March 21
    BurritoScience permalink

    Table,
    You don’t have to put on that top tonight!
    Put an ad on Craigslist,
    Your old top can sale just right!

    Table,
    you don’t have to put on that red paint!
    Be free for money,
    Paint stripper fumes make me feel faint!

    Table,
    you don’t have to be sale tonight!

    Adores: 12
    • 2011 March 21
      Windrose permalink

      Guess you’d use rocks to sand that one. Get it? Rocks sand? I just crack me up Monday mornings!

      Adores: 9
      • 2011 March 21
        BurritoScience permalink

        I’d use rocks to sand, but it wears the dress out too quickly.

        Rocks sand wearing the dress out… get it?

        I’ll be in the corner.

        Adores: 4
    • 2011 March 21
      SisterTaco permalink

      Police reference ftw.

      Adores: 4
  10. 2011 March 21
    LaKitta permalink

    *blows into pitch pipe*

    Litarider, post again, ‘Rid’r
    Old sale table from this guy
    Litarider, post again, ‘Rid’r
    He’s a thousand brain cells shy
    Ding dong ding
    I bet he hears that all the time
    Ding dong ding
    Is he in [location],
    on mental vacation?
    Litarider, post again, ‘Rid’r
    Genetic Opera casting calls
    Litarider, everyone knows
    That you’re bringing us the LOLS
    So here’s my little song – kind of forced the rhyme
    Litarider, post one more time
    Litarider, Litarider, Litarider

    *okay, it’s probably pronouced “lee-ta” vs “lie-ta”, and a snarker submits ads rather than posts them but it’s early o’clock on a Monday morning, so inaccuracies be damned.  (Music Man clip here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wCpCxD6Em8k)

    Adores: 2
    • 2011 March 21
      Litarider permalink

      Awwww, how did you know I love the Music Man?

      This is a lot more honor than I’m used to on Monday morning!

      Adores: 2
      • 2011 March 21
        LaKitta permalink

        Just a lucky guess. Glad you enjoyed 🙂

        Adores: 0
  11. 2011 March 21
    Todd permalink

    The old table is sale.

    A winner is you!

    This story is happy end.

    All your base are belong to us.

    Adores: 10
    • 2011 March 21

      I am a rock star from Mars.

      Adores: 17
      • 2011 March 21

        With tiger blood!!

        Adores: 2
        • 2011 March 21
          ghostcat permalink

          And butane in my veins!

          No, wait; that’s another incoherent person I’m thinking of.

          Adores: 3
      • 2011 March 21
        Lola permalink

        David Bowie? 8)

        Adores: 2
        • 2011 March 21
          SisterLyleTacoNunja permalink

          Dance, Magic Dance!

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 March 21

          Charlie Sheen?

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 March 21

          I hear you Lola. If he went through one hundred thousand miles and stepped through the door and all that, then he’s the closest to a rockstar from Mars.

          Adores: 1
      • 2011 March 21

        I’m the laziest man on Mars.

        Adores: 1
        • 2011 March 21
          SisterLyleTacoNunja permalink

          You have no chance to survive, make your time.

          Adores: 2
    • 2011 March 21
      SilvaNoir permalink

      Set us up the bomb!

      Adores: 3
  12. 2011 March 21
    Laurelhach permalink

    I am so happy that this table IS sale–I have searched fruitlessly for so long to find a table that wasn’t FOR sale, but was itself the embodiment of pure, fresh sale. I think I may have fulfilled my purpose in life.

    Adores: 8
    • 2011 March 21
      Astrognash permalink

      At least until the sequel, anyway.

      Adores: 4
  13. 2011 March 21
    Windrose permalink

    We have a ratwoman in the box today, and I just clicked on her blog for the first time. Very interesting! Wonder how rats get along with parrots?

    Adores: 2
  14. 2011 March 21
    Irregular Fractal permalink

    Clearly this is an important signal to the resistance.

    Know any good white basketball players?

    Adores: 1
  15. 2011 March 21
    Bianchi Sound permalink

    This comment is sale.

    Adores: 7
    • 2011 March 21

      If you lived in this comment, you’d be home by now.

      Adores: 13
    • 2011 March 21
      sarajean80 permalink

      This comment is old.

      Adores: 5
      • 2011 March 21

        This comment is self-referential.

        Adores: 8
        • 2011 March 21

          This comment is.

          Adores: 5
        • 2011 March 21
          ghostcat permalink

          This is a comment.

          Adores: 5
        • 2011 March 21

          Comment.

          Adores: 6
        • 2011 March 21
          SisterLyle permalink

          Comment, this is.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 March 21
          ghostcat permalink

          Is this?

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 March 21
          Astrognash permalink

          Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo.

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 March 21
          SisterLyleTacoNunja permalink

          Not.A.Comment.

          Adores: 6
        • 2011 March 21
          Astrognash permalink

          Appropinquabamus.

          Adores: 5
        • 2011 March 21
          Camille permalink

          This comment has a first name.

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 March 21

          It’s O – S – C – A – R….

          This comment has a second name..

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 March 21
          SisterLyleTacoNunja permalink

          But it got made fun on in elementary school for it and now tells everyone it’s really Thomas.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 March 21
          ghostcat permalink

          It’s S-N-A-R-K

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 March 21
          Windrose permalink

          Collect the whole set!

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 March 21
          Astrognash permalink

          Gotta catch ’em all.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 March 21
          CapnMac permalink

          es Sparta vis!

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 March 21
          Addicted Reader permalink

          Don’t get caught!

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 March 21

          Duct tape!

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 March 21
          Mr. Winkey, the Six Dollar Shirts Hobo permalink

          Teehee.

          😉

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 March 21
          SisterLyle permalink

          Blarg.

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 March 21
          LimeLolly permalink

          , , , , ,chameleon gecko

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 March 21
          Lola permalink

          “You gotta play to win!”

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 March 21
          Addicted Reader permalink

          If quitters never win and winners never quit, who said “Quit while you’re ahead”?

          Adores: 0
  16. 2011 March 21
    CapnMac permalink

    Hmm, “Top” is a military contraction of “Top Kick” which is a reference to a First Sergeant.

    But, given the Sparkie penchant for abusing “sale” as a verb, and the potential for “table” to mean anything at all, given the proven irregularity of Sparkie-spelling, well, I’ve got nothing, now . . .

    Other than an urge to have lay-about sky-larking gold-bricks whitewashing or applying Brasso, or some similar energetic activity.
    Ooh, and some Shouting; even better, Shouting by young, energetic, NCO who were also up to Idleness and Sloth!

    **Nudges the Top, and inclines head while raising one inquisitive eyebrow to cause that sort of activity**

    Now, let’s see who can be tom-sawyer-ed into helping with paint prep . . .

    Adores: 4
    • 2011 March 21

      Wish I were near you. I have a penchant for getting sawyer-ed.

      Adores: 0
      • 2011 March 21
        CapnMac permalink

        Hmm, used to know several folk with traveling sawmills–I wonder how many are now itinerant rafters.

        Or, could you mean being interrogated by persons named Dianne?

        Could have used some young spry legs for going up the ladder and scrubbing TSP over the hardiplank (the things a person will do to help others out).

        Oh, and belated best wishes for all of you who celebrated Purim over the weekend!

        Adores: 1
        • 2011 March 21
          Addicted Reader permalink

          Thanks, Cap’n, it was a good one.

          Adores: 0
  17. 2011 March 21
    Adores: 1
    • 2011 March 21

      [lolcan caption] INVISIBLE COMMENT [/lolcan caption]

      Adores: 2
      • 2011 March 21

        For when you really don’t have anything to say and want everyone to know it!

        Adores: 6
    • 2011 March 21
      Windrose permalink

      Reruns already?

      Adores: 4
  18. 2011 March 21
    SisterLyleTacoNunja permalink

    In soviet Contemporania, table sell YOU.

    (Well, someone had to do it…)

    Adores: 7
    • 2011 March 21
      BurritoScience permalink

      Contemporania in Soviet you, Table is sell!

      Adores: 5
      • 2011 March 21
        SisterLyleTacoNunja permalink

        Damn, I forgot about Contemporanian semantics.

        Adores: 3
        • 2011 March 21
          Addicted Reader permalink

          Couch.

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 March 22
          SisterLyleTacoNunja permalink

          Phooton.

          Adores: 0
  19. 2011 March 21

    [OT] So checking the stats of my blog, I discovered that someone found me through Google.

    By searching for dubya dubya dubya dot hardsex dot com. (I didn’t want to actually type out the actual URL for obvious reasons. I apologize in advance for the unfortunate mental imagery the conflation of “dubya” and “hardsex” incurs.) Evidently my blog now comes up in searches for pr0n. Boy, that guy must have been disappointed.

    [/OT]

    Adores: 8
    • 2011 March 21

      I’m evidently the go-to guy for twinks with shaved chests. The people doing those searches must have been supremely disappointed.

      Adores: 3
    • 2011 March 21

      This site is one of the top hits for “granny panties”.

      Adores: 10
      • 2011 March 21
        BurritoScience permalink

        As it should be.

        Adores: 3
        • 2011 March 21

          Excellent point.

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 March 21
          BurritoScience permalink

          A pithy* argument, for sure.

          *I just like using that word.

          Adores: 1
      • 2011 March 21

        *quietly erases search history*

        Well, now, that’s just bizarre.

        Although I am perversely curious now if any commenters now or in the past got here via such a search. I mean besides Mr. Winky.

        Adores: 5
        • 2011 March 21
          Lola permalink

          I’d be curious to know if we have quietly acquired any commenters searching for the elusive “lacawates valtrus-suka.”

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 March 21

          I cannot remember how I got here.

          *wishes she had a nickel for every time she’s said that*

          I do remember, and am embarrrassed to admit, that when I got here I didn’t even realize there were comments for the first few days. I just spent my time reading dan and drmk (BBUT) posts…and laughing.

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 March 21

          I came here via a link from some other site (can’t recall which, though I think it was Passive-Aggressive Notes). I read the entire archives before delving into the comments.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 March 21
          TostadasTheist permalink

          I think I remember getting here from the old Lovely Listings site (before it was bought out by Cheezeburger).

          Can’t remember how I got to LL… probably via CakeWrecks or something.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 March 21
          Astrognash permalink

          My parents introduced me to the site. They don’t read it anymore, which may or may not be a good thing considering what goes on in the commentary.

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 March 21
          Camille permalink

          I came here through a Facebook link from a friend who, as far as I know, doesn’t post here.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 March 21
          Windrose permalink

          Just saw the movie The Extra Man last night. I highly reccomend it. To Quote Henry Harrison, “Well, here we are. Where are we?”

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 March 21

          Can’t remember how I got here, possibly via Date Wrecks (which I found via Why Women Hate Men, which was featured in The Guardian newspaper one Saturday at least 18 months ago). I still haven’t read all the archives, but am at least up to May last year – think I started reading in about August, so I’ve nearly caught up.

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 March 21
          CapnMac permalink

          Bored English major university employee found, or was told of, the Not.A.Lion hijinks. Said person then told me, and the rest, as they say, is sale for table.

          Adores: 7
        • 2011 March 21
          Addicted Reader permalink

          Like Camille, I came through a FB link, on the day of this post. I then started reading the posts linked at the end of drmk’s commentary, but not just the posts, not the comments. When I got to this gem I was so overwhelmed by the crazy that I just had to see how other people had reacted, and started reading the comments. Then I realized this site was my new home, and headed back to the beginning of the archives and read all the posts and comments all the way through.

          And I have never been the same since. Thank you, YSaC.

          Edit: “Awaiting moderation”? There are only 2 links, and they’re both to YSaC! Grr…

          [note from drmk: sorry!]

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 March 21
          Addicted Reader permalink

          Oh, no, I didn’t mean to bother the Llamanun (BBUH) on her first day back! Thanks for the quick approval.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 March 21
          SilvaNoir permalink

          Haha, granny panties.

          Like Taco, I came here from the old Lovely Listing site when they mentioned the not.a.lions. I arrived Lovely Listing after following link after link links from other humor blogs, the first of which a friend linked to me.

          I think I’ve said all this before though? Ah well *sips tea, forgets everything*

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 March 21

          My tale is very similar to Mindfield’s, right down to the PAN link…

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 March 21

          I was born here…

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 March 21
          Lola permalink

          I think it was from a PAN link, but no longer recall. What I do remember was that it was *cough* (I feel oldish) *cough* two years ago this month – I remember that because I told my cousin “My new favorite site is ‘You Suck at Craigslist’!” I believe this is still the case, rather amazingly. (Though not that amazingly, given that it has great posts AND commenters!)

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 March 21
          LimeLolly permalink

          I don’t even know how long I’ve been here. I think I found this site a year ago April, but didn’t start commenting for a month or two.

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 March 21
          Jen permalink

          I think I got here via Lovely Listing, too. It was ages ago, and I read all the archives and lurked for a while before commenting.

          Then, to bring it full circle, after I’d been commenting here for a while, I got something featured on LL and the comment they picked to illustrate it was Silva’s!

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 March 21
          Astrognash permalink

          As to when I got here, I believe I got here sometime last January, but didn’t make my first comment for something in the realm of a month.

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 March 21
          Windrose permalink

          YSaC: The Secret Origins.

          Adores: 1
  20. 2011 March 21

    Your the top
    Your not the Moona Leeza
    Your the top
    Your not the Tower of Pizza
    Your the red table purple light
    Of a summer night in [location1]!

    Your sublime, your a turkey dinner minty shell!
    Your the time, the time of the Derby winner dolls from Hell!

    Ima total wreck, a worthless check audobohn, a floating-couch-with-Auntie stains!

    But if baby Ima the table sale, your the top!

    Adores: 8
    • 2011 March 21
      Addicted Reader permalink

      That hurt to read.

      Adores: 1
  21. 2011 March 21
    Camille permalink

    Wait, Topper is for sale? This is a plot twist I was not anticipating.

    Adores: 7
    • 2011 March 21
      Topper permalink

      Honey, for the right price I’ll twist any way you like. I’ve got four hungry barstools to feed.

      Adores: 10
      • 2011 March 21
        mudslicker permalink

        Let the chips fall where they may then….

        Adores: 3
  22. 2011 March 21
    Bacontini permalink

    Topper,
    You don’t have to put on de red light.
    De barstools need you,
    You don’t have to hold de chips tonight.

    Topper,
    You don’t have to sit on de table tonight.
    Dey play de poker witout you,
    Dey have de card table for poker night.

    Topper,
    You don’t have to ante in tonight.

    Bacontini, he love you like he love de ladies,
    He not deal down to you,
    He need to tell you how he feel,
    He not want to share you wit de Texas Hold’em tournament,
    Bacontini know dey deal you wrong,
    Forget to discard between de players and down cards,
    So he tell you again,
    Bacontini tink you better for de Blackjack.

    Topper,
    You don’t have to ante in tonight.
    Topper,
    You got 21 so sit tight.

    Adores: 13
    • 2011 March 21
      Mr. Winkey permalink

      **tears up**

      Bacontini, that was beautiful.

      😉

      Adores: 0
      • 2011 March 21
        Topper permalink

        There aren’t enough obos in the world, greasy-beard-man.

        Adores: 4
  23. 2011 March 21
    mudslicker permalink

    We’ve got a top table for sale
    Mabel the Table for sale.
    Won’t you buy her,
    Take her home and try her,
    Table is sale.

    Don’t you want a little table you can call your own,
    A top who’ll be with ya when you’re bottom’s all alone?

    Spoken: How much is that old top table in the window?

    Take our advice,
    At any price,
    A top like Mabel’s got is mighty nice.
    Table, Mabel Table is sale.

    Adores: 3
  24. 2011 March 21
    LimeLolly permalink

    All we need now is a camel, a love seat and bedazzled veils.

    Oh, and a Sheik.

    Adores: 5
    • 2011 March 21
      sarajean80 permalink

      Can we bedazzle the camel?

      Adores: 5
      • 2011 March 21
        Lola permalink

        Just the hooves.

        Sarajean, your avatar is AWOL again (at least on my screen). Odd.

        Adores: 1
        • 2011 March 21
          ghostcat permalink

          BOO!!

          Adores: 3
      • 2011 March 21

        “Bedazzle the Camel” for euphemism of the day.

        Adores: 7
        • 2011 March 21
          mudslicker permalink

          “Glitter Your Twitter”

          Glatter Your Twa….. No?

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 March 21
          ghostcat permalink

          Wouldn’t that roughen your muffin?

          I know where the corner is.

          Adores: 7
        • 2011 March 21
          SisterLyleTacoNunja permalink

          Don’t make me get my spankin’ cactus! (As soon as Taco finishes it, anyway…)

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 March 21
          mudslicker permalink

          ::makes note::

          I didn’t know muffins had corners. I thought only brownies did. You learn something every day.

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 March 21
          Astrognash permalink

          Muffin corners are even tastier than muffin tops.

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 March 21
          mudslicker permalink

          Can I assume they taste like angle’s wings?

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 March 21
          ghostcat permalink

          Don’t make me get my spankin’ cactus!

          Sounds kinky. Lemme find my tweezers first.

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 March 21
          SisterLyleTacoNunja permalink

          No worries… I’ll wait 😀

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 March 21
          SilvaNoir permalink

          A supermarket near me sells rectangular corn muffins. They don’t taste very good.

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 March 21

          I don’t know abut camels, but here’s a lion for you. 😀

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 March 21
          Astrognash permalink

          No, silly, that’s obviously a zebra. Look at the stripes and the bedazzled eyes!

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 March 21
          Addicted Reader permalink

          That thing will now haunt my dreams. The sparkly, dead-looking eyes…

          Adores: 1
  25. 2011 March 21
    CapnMac permalink

    Been pondering (one has time for this, on top of a ladder washing siding) of a sail-powered table.

    I may have to browse the Ambassador product line and see if the “Deplomates” have a Table in motor-sailer guise.

    Adores: 1
  26. 2011 March 21
    Laurelhach permalink

    I just wanted everyone to know that I got to pet a sloth today. I think I fell in love.

    Adores: 9
    • 2011 March 21
      Jen permalink

      SQUEE! They are the most improbably adorable animals! My friend went through a couple of months of sloth-obsession, where she posted a picture of a baby sloth every day on FB. Was TOO cute. I love how smugly content they always look. Le sigh.

      Was it gorgeous? Happy? Smelly?

      Adores: 1
      • 2011 March 21
        Laurelhach permalink

        It was pretty clean and nice until it started digging in the mud, at which point it was all muddy. Then it started emulsifying a banana in its mouth, so it was covered in muddy banana juice. And blowing spit bubbles.

        So gross. So adorable. It wouldn’t stop smiling! I couldn’t help but smile too. :]

        Adores: 2
        • 2011 March 21
          Jen permalink

          … it was covered in muddy banana juice. And blowing spit bubbles.

          Ok, either I’m deranged due to an entire week’s worth of coldy germies camped in my frontal lobe, or I’ve been pretending to be a grown up for too long, ‘cos I’m totally jealous of that sloth’s life. Muddy AND bananas AND blowing spit bubbles? Fun!!

          ETA: Also, “Emulsifying Bananas” for Band Name of the day? Or IF’s Smashing Pumpkins kids covers band?

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 March 21
          Astrognash permalink

          I vote it for a euphemism. I mean, “emulsifying the banana” just sort of begs to be (ab)used inappropriately, doesn’t it?

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 March 22

          Astro, I do believe your journey to the dark side is complete.

          Adores: 0
    • 2011 March 21
      Windrose permalink

      I demand photographic proof of said acquisition. 8) Please?

      Adores: 0
    • 2011 March 21
      ToBScholarly permalink

      “I had the great luck one summer of studying the three-toed sloth in situ in the equatorial jungles of Brazil. It is a highly intriguing creature. Its only real habit is indolence. It sleeps or rests on average twenty hours a day.”

      “How does it survive, you might ask.

      Precisely by being so slow. Sleepiness and slothfulness keep it out of harm’s way, away from the notice of jaguars, ocelots, harpy eagles and anacondas. A sloth’s hairs shelter an algae that is brown during the dry season and green during the wet season, so the animal blends in with the surrounding moss and foliage and looks like a nest of white ants or of squirrels, or like nothing at all but part of a tree.”

      -Life of Pi, Yann Martel

      One of my favorite pages EVER.

      Adores: 3
  27. 2011 March 22
    Windrose permalink

    ratwoman, please accept this well-deserved second in a long line of punches to come, Punchity Punch Punch!

    G’Night, Sale!

    Adores: 0

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