YSaC, Vol. 854: Get your doxin a row.

2010 November 18

You know, as long as we’re doing perennial favorites here at YSaC, I’ll trot out another one:

2 DATSUNS’ FREE TO GOOD HOME – MOVING TOMORROW!


I am moving tomorrow morning and can’t bring my Datsuns’ with me! I have a (male) brown with white and a (female) brown w/black, they are both about a year old, all shots, both are not fixed, I work for Banfield and they were well cared for. If interested, please contact me at (xxx) xxx-xxxx. Thank you!!!

Huh. I thought Nissan phased out that brand name in the 80s. Then again, I also thought that someone who worked for a veterinary office would (a) fix their animals, (b) think about finding their pets somewhere to live before the night before they moved, and (c) know how to spell dachshund. I mean, it’s not that hard, right?

mini doxin puppy


need to find him a home..rehoming fee 75 dollars. just trying to recoup vet fees…if you are someone who texted earlier to ask and my boyfriend told you 140-or 100 im sorry he is an idiot…xxxxxxxxxx thanks.

Oh, HE’S the idiot? I was wondering who the idiot was. Thanks for clearing that up for me. I’m sorry your boyfriend is an idiot too. That must be a challenge.

Didn’t Dow Chemical just spend $11 million cleaning up a Doxin puppy spill in Michigan? From what I understand, it’s a very toxic substance. The effects cause your torso to elongate while simultaneously causing your legs to shorten.

Thanks, liliya and  jayluvsbecca! (Awwww, how cute!)

206 Responses leave one →
  1. 2010 November 18
    Lola permalink

    I don’t know why those people in the first ad are so worried. When I was growing up, we just kept our brown Datsun in the garage and it was just fine.

    Many adores to the Llama-Nun (bees be upon her) if I could for “Doxin puppy spill in Michigan.” The mental images from this – a quickly expanding lake of yapping puppies flooding out of an industrial plant – are providing much-needed giggles this morning.

    Adores: 11
    • 2010 November 18

      If I had a Datsun I’d keep it in the yard.

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 November 18
        mudslicker permalink

        If I had a Hummer I’d hummer in the morning. I’d hummer in the evening. All over this land.

        *perhaps Hummer wasn’t the best vehicle choice*

        😉

        Adores: 13
        • 2010 November 18

          Nope, it was just fine…

          If I had a Ram I’d…

          What?

          Adores: 10
        • 2010 November 18

          But I just met ‘er!

          Adores: 7
        • 2010 November 18
          mudslicker permalink

          BWAHAHA

          *hands Typo a tissue*

          I believe you were thinking of this however, I’ve never met a man who would turn down a Humm…

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 November 18

          I don’t know that tune, perhaps if you Humm…a few more bars?

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 November 18
          mudslicker permalink

          I don’t know if I have all the words correct:

          I’d Hummer out Datsun
          I’d Hummer out Winnebagel
          I’d Hummer out the Love Truck between my Broncos and my Saabs
          All over this land

          Oh? You said Humm…

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 November 18

          Mumbling would be fine too…

          What?

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 November 18
          mudslicker permalink

          Mumbling would be fine?

          I thought I pretty much was….

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 November 18
          Addicted Reader permalink

          It’s been a long, YSaC-less day, and this is a great first thread to come in to.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 November 18
          Lara permalink

          I’ve always wondered what the right song to hum would be in that situation

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 November 19

          The battle hymen of the repubic?

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 November 19
          CapnMac permalink

          You just had to the be the first to break that here, didn’t you?

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 November 19

          *Looks around*

          I see nothing virginal here.

          Adores: 2
      • 2010 November 18
        Artsy Computer Geek permalink

        If I had a Datsun I’d keep it in the yard.

        Mine would be on ceement blocks in the front yard. Of course I’d plant some flowers around it in honor of our HOA.

        My son would probably have it torn apart by now trying to figure out why it didn’t run.

        Adores: 6
    • 2010 November 18
      Grampdaddy permalink

      And the next thing you know, they’ll be running down the fairway in Indianapolis, chasing the pack of wild chawas, yapping in Teutonic tones, “Go back where you came from and take your Chalupas with you!”

      Adores: 7
      • 2010 November 18
        Tankerbell permalink

        You know, this brings up a concern of mine. There is a pond behind our house that was recently fenced off because (I thought) it had high levels of dioxin. But now I’m thinking I misread the sign, and there are high levels of doxins down there. That would explain the yapping noises, the moving vegetation with no discernible wind, the mysterious wiener shaped shadows in the water…

        Adores: 6
        • 2010 November 19
          Lola permalink

          Tankerbell, don’t ask me why, exactly, but your sentence “That would explain the yapping noises, the moving vegetation with no discernible wind, the mysterious wiener shaped shadows in the water…” made me picture a scenario drawn by Gary Larson.

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 November 19
          sarajean80 permalink

          Me too.

          Adores: 1
  2. 2010 November 18
    Lara permalink

    Toxic Nissans, where can you go wrong?

    Pass me a slice of coffee Lola luv?

    Adores: 7
    • 2010 November 18
      Lola permalink

      The slices on the left of the tray are mocha; the ones on the right are cinnamon-nutmeg. Mmmm, fresh toasted coffee slices … just like granny never used to make.

      Adores: 7
      • 2010 November 18
        Smedley permalink

        Because Granny couldn’t knead the dough with her hooks.
        Rosie the Riveter, my ass.

        Adores: 3
    • 2010 November 18

      Toxic Doxins is IF’s Rammstein tribute band.

      Adores: 10
      • 2010 November 18
        Windrose permalink

        Missing: One Robot Moose in a Lousy Poncho. Last seen in Michigan cleaning up toxic puppy spills. If found, please send her home to the Snark Lounge.

        Adores: 5
        • 2010 November 18
          Artsy Computer Geek permalink

          I’ll fire up the bleach bath, so it ready.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 November 18
          Tankerbell permalink

          I know, right? I’ve been missing our LRC, too. Bring back the poncho moose!

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 November 18
          LurkRealClose permalink

          PONCHO PONCHO MOOSE! I WANT TO BE YOUR PONCHO MOOSE!

          Hey snarkers! I have been summoned via the almighty face of book, and I am here.

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 November 18
          Lola permalink

          LRC! LRC!! LRC!!!

          Speak, and it shall be granted. (I need to try this more often.)

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 November 18
          Tankerbell permalink

          LRC!!!!!!! How wonderful to see you, girlfriend!!!! Where you been? I have been missing you.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 November 18
          LurkRealClose permalink

          Between the crazy that is work and the annoying that is the errors I get when posting, I was on hiatus.

          Seriously? When everyone else was all complaining about the posting errors, I had no problem. As soon as drmk (bees be upon her) tried to fix them, I started having issues.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 November 18
          Tankerbell permalink

          Well, it’s lovely to see you, in all your poncho-ey goodness. I guess I am going to have to stalk you on Facebook.

          Adores: 1
      • 2010 November 18
        christina permalink

        Can I be in that one? I already have my own gas mask.

        Adores: 3
  3. 2010 November 18
    christina permalink

    *Reads the first ad*
    Oh! I can make a car joke!
    *Scrolls down*
    Damn
    *Reads second ad*
    Okay, I got an obsolete car joke.
    *Scrolls down*
    Sigh.
    I’ll be back after coffee.

    Adores: 7
    • 2010 November 18
      christina permalink

      Ugh. The second ad was supposed to inspire a toxin joke. Proof that I can’t function without at least 12 ounces of blackened brew in my system.

      Adores: 4
      • 2010 November 18
        Mindfield permalink

        We’re passing out the java loaf. Help yourself to a few slices. I’ve already got my buzz goin’ on, so I’m good to– SQUIRREL.

        Adores: 9
        • 2010 November 18
          christina permalink

          Gratzi, smiley dog. Why is there a bushy tail in my slice?

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 November 18
          EclecticBlue permalink

          Because you’re supposed to stroke the tail with the fur, not against it.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 November 18
          Grampdaddy permalink

          Because you’re supposed to stroke the tail with the fur, not against it.

          EB, that just sounds SO wrong, and Sooooooo right. Hammy, care to comment – what does the puppy think?

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 November 18
          Moira permalink

          So who else thought of 10th Kingdom?

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 November 18
          EclecticBlue permalink

          Thank you Moira, I was hoping someone would get that :-p

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 November 18
          Smedley permalink

          Thanks, didn’t get custody of that either.

          Adores: 2
  4. 2010 November 18

    A Weiner by any other name is still a pecil…

    Adores: 13
    • 2010 November 18

      Feeling better, I see.

      Adores: 4
    • 2010 November 18
      mudslicker permalink

      My pecil has a first name
      It’s O-S-C-A-R.
      My pecil has a first name
      Because I name all my body parts….

      Adores: 11
      • 2010 November 18
        Princess Buttercup permalink

        And they will always be your friend!

        Adores: 2
        • 2010 November 18

          Cumpets for everyone!

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 November 18
          mudslicker permalink

          I wonder if you have to go to Petco to buy supplies for your cumpets? Or are they more like nano pets?

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 November 18
          Mindfield permalink

          I think you can only get them in adult stores. Certain adult stores. Places where Richard Gere shops, I think.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 November 18
          Lola permalink

          Wait, what? I thought “cumpets” was an obedience training command!

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 November 18
          sarajean80 permalink

          I thought “cumpets” were musical instruments. While else would that guy in the dark alleyway over there offer to trade one for a rusty trombone?

          Adores: 9
        • 2010 November 18
          mudslicker permalink

          LINE CROSSED!!!!

          *but it was adorable the way you said it*

          😉

          Adores: 5
    • 2010 November 18
      Mindfield permalink

      My wiener is a pen. My pen is mighty.

      Adores: 3
      • 2010 November 18

        These are not the hammer.

        Adores: 3
        • 2010 November 18
          Lola permalink

          This is not the Hummer hammer you are looking for.

          Adores: 4
      • 2010 November 18
        mudslicker permalink

        My wiener is a pen. My pen is mighty.

        Wiener = pen

        Pen = mightier than the sword

        I take it your “pen” is not named Excalibur. Bic, perhaps?

        Adores: 4
        • 2010 November 18
          Artsy Computer Geek permalink

          I get it – retractable …… groan……..

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 November 18

          My wiener is a pen

          Hopefully it’s not a sty…

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 November 18
          mudslicker permalink

          Did you suddenly go comatose before finishing the word stylus? Or were you making a pig pen reference and meant to finish at sty? I need to know!

          My mind is all over the page today and refuses to focus. Perhaps a slice of bocha-mocha coffee would help.

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 November 18

          Yes

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 November 18
          mudslicker permalink

          Thanks for clearing that up.

          *giving Hammy the stink eye*

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 November 18
          Grampdaddy permalink

          Not ballpoint – roller-ball….

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 November 18
          Tankerbell permalink

          MindField would have us believe his wiener is mightier than a sword. I’m dubious.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 November 19
          sarajean80 permalink

          Depending on which Bic it could also be small, brightly colored, and highly flammable.

          Adores: 1
      • 2010 November 18
        Stephanae permalink

        My pecils are cream-filled cumpets.

        What line?

        Adores: 7
        • 2010 November 18

          Stephanae, the grand Pooh-Bah of perven lodge number elebenty brazillion!

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 November 18
          Stephanae permalink

          *bangs gavel*

          I hereby call the center of the room to order. We’re trying to talk over here in the corner.

          Yes, before you ask, “talk” is what they call it these days.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 November 18
          Windrose permalink

          And talk IS a four-letter word for intercourse that ends in k.

          Adores: 10
        • 2010 November 18
          Stephanae permalink

          Just for that, Windy, I’m kidnapping recruiting you to the perven.

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 November 18
          Windrose permalink

          Do I get to wear a hat? With feathers? 8)

          Adores: 10
        • 2010 November 18
          Stephanae permalink

          Yes, but that’s all you get to wear.

          Adores: 9
        • 2010 November 18
          Windrose permalink

          *blink* Gonna need a lot of feathers.

          Adores: 13
        • 2010 November 18
          Grampdaddy permalink

          My pecils are cream-filled cumpets.

          Stephanae – you have more than one? I do hope they are housebroken, or at least paper-trained, otherwise your floors are going to be a mess!

          It must be nice to come home to all those wagging tails, though.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 November 18
          Stephanae permalink

          I was wondering whether anyone would mention the plural.

          I don’t keep all my pecils at home. I like to farm them out to my lieutenants for training, care, and feeding. Then I get to enjoy them at my convenience, and I don’t have to worry so much about the floors.

          I was going to say it was a little like having grandchildren, but well, no, it’s really not!

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 November 18
          Smedley permalink

          That all depends on where you’re from.

          Adores: 4
  5. 2010 November 18
    mudslicker permalink

    I am moving tomorrow morning

    Gee, thanks for the advanced notice Sparky. Nothing like waiting until the last minute to try to dump your “well cared for” highly fertile wiener dogs.

    Edit: since this was so well stated once, I thought I would re-iterate. *sorry*

    Adores: 9
    • 2010 November 18
      christina permalink

      It deserves mentioning again.

      Adores: 6
      • 2010 November 18
        mudslicker permalink

        Nice save Christina. Thanks!

        I actually thought I had read all the commentary before I posted that but apparently I was blinded by the hideousness of the second ad.

        Adores: 3
        • 2010 November 18
          sarajean80 permalink

          Selective blindness is a symptom of Doxin poisoning.

          Adores: 8
        • 2010 November 18
          mudslicker permalink

          Thank goodness my computer monitor is in braille.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 November 18
          LimeLolly permalink

          Mudsy, I thought you had sprinkled your monitor yesterday?

          That doesn’t remove the braille?

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 November 18
          mudslicker permalink

          No. It just gets stuck in all the bumps.

          Adores: 3
  6. 2010 November 18
    mudslicker permalink

    idiot couple
    ________________________________________
    need to find them a home..rehoming fee 75 dollars. just trying to recoup the last year of my life…i suggest you invest in getting them both fixed at your earliest convenience …xoxoxoxoxo thanks. just ask for “schnitzel”.

    Adores: 17
    • 2010 November 18
      LimeLolly permalink

      How much extra to ship them to a different country?

      Adores: 3
      • 2010 November 18
        mudslicker permalink

        Depends on which country. I think the country of Alaska would be perfect!

        Adores: 5
        • 2010 November 18
          Moira permalink

          While that might be so, I am afraid that doing that too often would create a critical mass and subsequent idiot explosion. Best, I think, to try to keep them separated in an attempt to slow down the reaction and poisoning of the atmosphere.

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 November 18
          Stephanae permalink

          Oh, I don’t know, Moira. I think I agree with Mudsy. And Queen Sarah is already matron of the idiot home up there.

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 November 18
          Moira permalink

          Think we can get a grant for this experiment, as well?

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 November 18
          christina permalink

          Moira, I will take out a loan and personally fund this experiment.

          Adores: 5
  7. 2010 November 18
    Mindfield permalink

    Smurt set the stool on the asphalt and sat down. He had been dreading this moment; Smurt spent the last few days trying to formulate a way to break the news as gently as possible, but it seemed like no matter how he couched it, there was no getting around the fact that those few brief words he would eventually get to would drop like Tsar Bomba over Mityushikha Bay, only Mityushikha Bay was Portland, he was the Tu-95V that dropped it, and the fallout would claim two victims, even if it was non-fatal. And for some reason it was making him prone to war analogies.

    But at least they were well cared-for and had a good life with him, right? They were well-fed, had a roof over their head, and were given love, so much love. They would understand, wouldn’t they? They had to understand. He had no other choice in this matter. He and his family had to leave, and they couldn’t come with him. They just couldn’t. They simply didn’t have any room in their new, far away home.

    Smurt looked at them, his eyes welling up with regret. They knew something was wrong; they could sense things like that, and although they didn’t register emotions visibly the same way humans did, he could tell the look they returned was one of worry. He couldn’t put it off any longer; they were leaving tomorrow and this was his last chance to spend what little quality time he had left with them. Smurt took a deep breath and closed his eyes briefly before addressing them.

    “I have some bad news,” he began, staring at the worn, tar-covered pebbles of his driveway, idly lacing his fingers back and forth, his elbows resting on his knees. “I got a promotion — well, that’s good I guess — but it means that they have to transfer me to a new office. In Michigan. That means that Gerfondel and the kids and I, we all have to move. And it’s a great place, really, it’s nice. But it’s small. I mean, really small. It’s … too small.”
    Smurt dipped his head and ran his fingers through his hair. He was over the bay. He had to release the clamps. One last deep breath.
    “Too small … for all of us. I mean, Gerfondel and the kids and I, we’re okay, there’s enough room for us, but … there isn’t … I mean, we can’t …”
    Bombs away.
    “We can’t take you with us.”
    Still they appeared outwardly to be emotionless, but that was the way of Datsuns. He knew them well enough to tell they were broken inside. Their headlights seemed to dim imperceptibly — even though they were off to begin with. He didn’t start them up because he knew then that their reactions would be all the more evident, and he just couldn’t bear that, so he had decided to tell them without putting the key in the ignition. Maybe that made him a coward, who knows? It was easier this way. But that still didn’t make it easy.
    “I’m sorry,” he resumed quickly. “There’s no garage in our house in Michigan and the driveway is only wide enough for one car, and it just wouldn’t be right to split you two up, I just know it would tear you both apart. You both need to go to a good home, a loving home, together, and we found a wonderful family that will take you both in. That’s best for all concerned. Besides, after the Doxin spill in Detroit they don’t allow Datsuns there anyway, so we couldn’t take you even if we wanted to.”
    Smurt was crying now. He embraced each car in turn, making both a bodily imprint in the dust on the hood and twin runnels of tears that carved a path down to the headlights. If they couldn’t cry on their own, they were at least crying by proxy.
    “I’m so, so sorry. I will miss you both so much.” Though it could have been his imagination, he could almost swear he felt the tires deflate a little as he hugged them.
    “Smurt!” his wife called from the front door. “Smurt, we need to finish packing! Hurry up and say goodbye to those junkers!”
    Smurt was startled and tried to smooth over the slight. “She didn’t mean that, you’re not junkers. You’re not. You’re my faithful cars, you always will be, remember that.”
    Smurt stood and lovingly regarded his beautiful Datsuns one last time, and then finally turned to go inside.
    “They’re not junkers, Gerfondel!” he called to his wife as he approached the door.
    “They’re cars, Smurt! Old cars! They don’t have feelings, they’re just damned cars.”
    “You take that back!” Smurt snapped as he closed the door behind him.
    Smurt heard a pair of car horns bleat briefly beyond the door. Through the tears, he allowed himself the slightest of bittersweet smiles before going to finish packing, knowing now that they did, indeed, understand.

    Adores: 19
    • 2010 November 18
      Mindfield permalink

      True story: Banfield, which I presume is the animal hospital according to Google (hence his claim that they were taken good care of because he worked there) has offices in both Portland and Michigan, where the Doxin spill occurred, so there’s kind of a neat correlation here.

      Adores: 5
      • 2010 November 18

        *Hands MindField an Imodium*

        Hope this helps with your verbal diarrhea.

        🙂

        Adores: 4
        • 2010 November 18
          Mindfield permalink

          Oh, thanks! Say, does that mean you’ll come back to the hot tub now?

          Adores: 9
        • 2010 November 18
          mudslicker permalink

          Ewww…

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 November 18
          Smedley permalink

          Two words: Bubble bath.

          Adores: 2
    • 2010 November 18

      Today’s sinus-enema brought to you by….Smurt, Gerfondel…and the kids.

      *holy shit*

      Doors, doors, and more doors, you freaky puppy.

      Adores: 3
      • 2010 November 18
        Mindfield permalink

        Aw, thanks. Here’s a tissue. 😀

        Not a very funny one today I suppose but I thought I’d go for an anthropomorphised tear jerker, inspired by that old Ikea commercial about the sad, discarded lamp left out for trash in the rain.

        “Many of you feel sorry for these cars. That is because you are crazy. They have no feelings!”

        Adores: 5
        • 2010 November 18
          mudslicker permalink

          That’s not what Christine was saying to me the other day.

          -S. King

          Adores: 6
    • 2010 November 18
      Lola permalink

      Their headlights seemed to dim imperceptibly — even though they were off to begin with.

      This line has me sitting in my desk chair quivering with almost-suppressed laughter while I wipe away tears. Mindfield, I adore you.

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 November 18
        mudslicker permalink

        I a door him too!

        Adores: 1
    • 2010 November 18
      Artsy Computer Geek permalink

      Next kids’ name is Gerfondel or Smurt. I can just see it now……..

      Adores: 2
    • 2010 November 18
      Addicted Reader permalink

      Beautiful.

      Adores: 1
    • 2012 October 30
      101dachshunds permalink

      That was a very sad story. But they are selfish people. I have five Datsuns and I would never ever leave them behind. If they don’t allow doxins I simply don’t go there and if I had no choice, well then I’d disguise them as Oscar Mayer Wieners, or aardvarks, or something and sneak them in anyway. Perhaps I should just look for a job in Wisconsin. I understand they have lots of badgers there and Datsuns (and doxins also) are very fond of badgers. (I think responding to old posts is the equivalent of talking to yourself and then admiring how clever you are.)

      Adores: 0
  8. 2010 November 18

    I am going to pretend the second one is asking for a rehoming fee for her idiot boyfriend and is going to keep the puppy.

    Adores: 14
    • 2010 November 18
      Artsy Computer Geek permalink

      I wouldn’t pay that for an idiot boyfriend. From what I’ve seen you can pick one up anywhere for a couple of obos. They may even have a special on them at Wallmert.

      Adores: 6
      • 2010 November 18
        Lola permalink

        Artsy, some of them can be gotten for free … but the emotional toll is something else.

        Adores: 6
        • 2010 November 18
          mudslicker permalink

          Amen, sista’!!!!

          Adores: 2
      • 2010 November 18
        Bavec permalink

        IDIOT BOYFRIEND FOR SALE. TAKE HIM FOR FREE.

        Adores: 5
        • 2010 November 18
          Artsy Computer Geek permalink

          Naw…..

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 November 18
          Tankerbell permalink

          Still too expensive.

          Adores: 5
    • 2010 November 18
      Stephanae permalink

      I am going to pretend the second one is asking for a rehoming fee for her idiot boyfriend

      To support your theory, Silva, I’d like to suggest the idea that the word doxin is the masculine form of the word doxy. The doxin in question was merely trying to get a little more cash for his services. But his girlfriend thought he was an idiot for thinking his services were worth all that.

      Adores: 5
      • 2010 November 18
        Lola permalink

        But his girlfriend thought he was an idiot for thinking his services were worth all that.

        Correction: “But his girlfriend thought he was an idiot for thinking his services were worth shit anything at all.” There, fixed it!

        Adores: 5
        • 2010 November 18
          Stephanae permalink

          Good point, Lola. Thank you. After all, she is only trying to break even on the cost of taking her cumpet doxin boyfriend to the vet.

          Adores: 3
  9. 2010 November 18
    LimeLolly permalink

    Sounds like a German child’s game.

    Doxin, doxin, doxin, doxin, doxin…… goosin’.

    Adores: 12
    • 2010 November 18

      Olly olly doxin free, or $75.

      Adores: 14
      • 2010 November 18
        LimeLolly permalink

        Pin the tail on the doxin.

        Adores: 8
        • 2010 November 18

          Akio Toyoda with the doxin in the wine cellar.

          Adores: 8
    • 2010 November 18
      Mindfield permalink

      Ja, das ist ein kindergamer von der vorld var zwei titlen, “Doxin doxin goosesteppen.” Ich haben sie lotten entertainen playen mit mein frunds, und ve vould runen rounder der circlen fur die commenten “doxin” vile ve tappen sie on die kopf, und zen ve vould picken der mensch und smacken sie upsiden der kopf mit der baseball batten und sprach “GOOSESTEPPEN!” und zen ze mench vould chasen ich rounded der circle until he tacklen mein feeten und kicken mich in der balles.

      Ist vas fun!

      Adores: 14
      • 2010 November 18
        mudslicker permalink

        I think I just peed my pants in German.

        🙂

        Adores: 11
        • 2010 November 18
          Artsy Computer Geek permalink

          It’s always good to learn something new.

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 November 18
          christina permalink

          Mudslicker is my official girl crush of the day.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 November 18
          mudslicker permalink

          Yay!!!

          Wanna buy a German wiener dog for cheap, christina?

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 November 18
          Mindfield permalink

          I’m trying to imagine what sounds like to pee in German. Piddlen? Wisser? ICH BEIN ELIMINATEN IN MEIN LEIDERHOSEN!

          EDIT: Google Translate says I just said, “I ELIMINATE LEG IN MY PANTS SORRY!”

          If I change the “BEIN” to “BIN” like it should be it’s the much more sensible “I AM SORRY MY PANTS TO ELIMINATE!”

          Glad we cleared that up.

          Adores: 8
      • 2010 November 18
        LimeLolly permalink

        Hmm… didn’t realize the German version was so…vigorous.

        I was picturing it as a drinking game.

        Adores: 6
      • 2010 November 18
        Tankerbell permalink

        SmileyDog, you don’t just get a spleen for that, you get a whole set of internal organs!

        Adores: 2
      • 2010 November 18
        Smedley permalink

        If I was that Mich guy, I think I would find someplace else to play.

        Adores: 1
      • 2010 November 18
        Addicted Reader permalink

        German to English translation:

        Yes, this is a child gamer of the vorld title var two, “goose quilt doxin Doxin.” I have entertain players Lott with my Frund, and ve vould rune-rounder the circle for the comment “doxin” vile ve tap them on the head, and zen ve vould picking the man and they smack of the head upside baseball debates and said “STEPPES GOOSE!” zen ze Mench and I vould chasen the circle until he rounded a tackle my feet and kick me in the ball.

        Vas is fun!

        You’re welcome.

        Adores: 4
        • 2010 November 18
          Mindfield permalink

          Wow. For a narrative that used half real German words (the very few I know) and half made-up German-sounding words created by adding “e” or “en” on the end of an English word (that actually translated properly much of the time) that was a pretty good Engrishy translation. I never even thought to run my own text through Google Translate ‘cos I figured it would explode with all the made-up stier scheiße. 🙂

          Baseball debates and goose quilts notwithstanding, of course…

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 November 18
          Mindfield permalink

          Addendum: “Kick me in the ball.” I must have been channelling Hitler when I wrote that.

          Also, I think I invented a new breed of avian: The Steppes Goose.

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 November 18
          Tankerbell permalink

          MindField you’re killin’ me!

          **Flinging truckloads of doors at the Smiley Puppy**

          Adores: 1
  10. 2010 November 18
    Windrose permalink

    I had a bad case of Datsun Toxins a long time ago, but the mechanic fixed it right up. That, and the penicillin. Nowadays they use pecilillin. My roommate’s idiot boyfriend tried to blow it up, but he burned his lips on the exhaust pipe. Okay, I’ll stop.

    Adores: 12
    • 2010 November 18
      mudslicker permalink

      Oh no, no, no, no Windy….do go on…..

      🙂

      Adores: 3
    • 2010 November 18
      Mindfield permalink

      Penisillin? Pfizer make a pill for that.

      Adores: 7
      • 2010 November 18
        LimeLolly permalink

        Candy-coated?

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 November 18
          sarajean80 permalink

          It comes in a pump, too.

          What?

          Adores: 1
  11. 2010 November 18
    Karmyn permalink

    I think my uncle drove a Datsun when I was a kid. But his was blue. That light powder blue that looks terrible on everything. Basically a bad prom suit with wheels.

    Adores: 11
    • 2010 November 18
      Lola permalink

      Hey, at least the car didn’t have a frilly-fronted tux shirt, too.

      Adores: 3
      • 2010 November 18
        Tankerbell permalink

        Hey, my prom date wore a powder blue tux with the frilly shirt and it got him some. So mock if you must, but that look is a babe catcher. (if it’s 1983.)

        Adores: 6
        • 2010 November 18
          Lola permalink

          Tanker, might I suggest that he got some in spite of the frilly shirtfront? Just wondering. 8)

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 November 18
          Artsy Computer Geek permalink

          Lola —no way — that look was HOT.i> nevermind, I was a geek then too.</

          Adores: 1

        • 2010 November 18
          Tankerbell permalink

          No way, Lola. I made him keep it on. LOL

          You know the really funny part? One of the couples we went with, the guy had the EXACT SAME TUX.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 November 18
          Stephanae permalink

          Did it work for him, too? If so, your assertion about that tux being a babe magnet is starting to gain some statistical significance.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 November 18
          Tankerbell permalink

          That I couldn’t tell you. But I like to think so.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 November 18
          Moira permalink

          Or, you may all have simply been hormonally hopped-up adolescents.

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 November 18
          Stephanae permalink

          I didn’t mean to imply that it was an unbiased sample, simply that a sample size of 2 is better than a sample size of 1. Although, since Tank has no data on her second subject, the sample size of 1 is probably better for making the statistics support Tank’s theory.

          This science is at least as good as the statistics on secondhand smoke, which we base laws on. I think we should outlaw the wearing of powder blue tuxedos by minors, since they cause immoral behavior. And that’s the Truth.

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 November 18
          Moira permalink

          This science is at least as good as the statistics on secondhand smoke

          Yep!
          When I heard the actual numbers from the main study everyone loves to cite, the immediate thought that went through my brain was, “and you’d see exactly the same statistics from a rounding error.”

          I wasn’t actually refuting your attempt to get a larger sample size but, rather, pointing out that in addition to the test sample, we should really add a control group, as well.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 November 18
          CapnMac permalink

          Well in the interest of providing specific data points:
          In 1979 at no time did I wear a tux of any color
          Wearing of a tux had no effect on “getting some.”
          Did not attend my Prom, either.

          Now, as to 1983, I’d worn a tux a time or two, but black. But, by measure of “success” in attire, Cadet Mess Dress seemed to be a better choice (despite having sharp, shiney objects pinned to my person, which would have seemed to have discouraged close dancing).
          However, none of those liasons had any real duration, so that might muddy their utility as “success” points for statistical purposes.

          Despite owning a brace of tux, and significant improvments to Mess Dress since 1998, no wearing has generated any dis-inhibitation in the distaff, sad to say.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 November 18
          Stephanae permalink

          Cappy, I’m afraid I’m having trouble with your data. You’re saying that in 1979, you didn’t wear a powder-blue tux and you didn’t get any, right?

          If you’re saying that you didn’t wear a powder-blue tux, and you got some, anyway, I’m afraid I’m going to have to disqualify you from my survey results. After all, the Truth is more important than the truth.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 November 18
          Windrose permalink

          I’d like to volunteer for the Control group. 8)

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 November 18
          Tankerbell permalink

          Wait – is the control group the one that has sex with my high school boyfriend in the powder blue tux, or that does not have sex with Cappy? Or that has sex with Cappy in a powder blue tux? Or that does not have sex with my high school boyfriend while wearing Cappy’s dress blues?

          I’m soooooooo confused….

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 November 18
          CapnMac permalink

          To clarify, in the interest of statistical science,
          I’ve never worn a blue tux in any shade.

          I do own both a black and a white tux. Have worn both with a range of accessories (gold, cranberry, black and silver)–but never with a ruffled shirt, only with the flat-ribbed shirt with French (Franch c.f yesterday?) cuffs.
          I own and have worn both White and Navy Blue mess dress, too.

          No correleation to attire and success in ‘relations’ that i can determine, though. Other than in my cadet days, and my level of discrimnation might have been different, then, too.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 November 18
          Stephanae permalink

          @Tankerbell: The control group is made up of people who don’t wear blue tuxes and never have sex, thereby proving our hypothesis. I’m not sure why Windy wants to volunteer, but as long as she promises not to have sex for the remainder of the study, she’s welcome. I think I’m going to have trouble filling that group, as it is, so I’m not about to be picky. Although I wouldn’t wish it on a friend.

          @CapnMac: Love, the more you clarify, the more confused I become. You’re not being nearly specific enough about how often you’ve had sex at various times in your life while wearing which outfits. However, since I think you’re implying that you have had sex at least once or twice, but have never worn a blue tux, I’m just going to exclude your data, anyway. So you don’t have to share . . . unless you’d like to.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 November 19

          I’ve always noticed that I’ve had the most sex while naked…

          Adores: 7
        • 2010 November 19
          Stephanae permalink

          Well, since you chose to deliberately misunderstand me (and doors to you for it), Hammy, I will reiterate that although I’ve possibly had the most frequent opportunities for sex while baring my resemblance in public, it usually resulted in my getting arrested before fruition.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 November 19
          Windrose permalink

          Oh, I thought the Control Group got to Control everything. Never mind. Chthulhu would not take kindly to me being in that group.

          Adores: 4
    • 2010 November 18
      Artsy Computer Geek permalink

      I had a light blue DATsun when I was in college. It was hell-on-wheels going down hill. Going up, ……….

      Adores: 3
  12. 2010 November 18
    swizzle permalink

    Woah, woah woah

    Calling a Banfield a vet’s office is like calling a TI-83 a supercomputer.

    While they bare a passing resemblance to one other if you’re blind, deaf, and have no sense of touch, it’s really an insult to an actual vet.

    So, yeah, that’s about what I’d expect out of someone who works at a Banfield.

    Adores: 4
    • 2010 November 18

      Excellent point. I should have said “purported” vet’s office.

      Adores: 3
      • 2010 November 18
        mudslicker permalink

        … or said “purpoodled” …

        Adores: 3
    • 2010 November 18
      Windrose permalink

      Whoa, this is like the Anti-Corey, where the poster was right in their righteous indignation!

      Adores: 6
    • 2010 November 18
      Stephanae permalink

      I bare my resemblance whenever I can. For some reason, I keep getting arrested, though.

      Adores: 5
      • 2010 November 19
        Bombdude permalink

        I keep asking, but all I hear is rumors!!!

        Adores: 3
        • 2010 November 19
          Stephanae permalink

          All right, Bombdude, you want to hear me naked?

          This site is G-rated (according to Gravatar), so I’m only going to do this once.

          . . .

          Did you hear that?

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 November 19

          WOW!

          Nice …’s

          Adores: 4
  13. 2010 November 18
    christina permalink

    Maybe back in 83, but these days powder blue tuxedos with frilly shirts scream “hispter”.
    *Drops the comment, letting it fall where it may*

    Adores: 4
    • 2010 November 18
      Lola permalink

      I’ve also seen them sported by earnest HS boys who aren’t even trying to be ironic … they weren’t kidding; they (for whatever reason) actually thought they were cool. What do you mean, you’re surprised? Hasn’t YSaC taught us that some people simply have no taste?

      … At least their tuxes were black.

      Adores: 3
      • 2010 November 18
        christina permalink

        For the non-ironic frilly pastel tux, I blame Dwayne Wade. I love me some basketball and I generally love the dress up rule that the NBA has, but the athletic nerd look has got to go.

        Adores: 3
  14. 2010 November 18
    Bavec permalink

    I don’t understand the draw of owning a dog whose breed you have no idea how to spell.
    My neighbor has 3 “Chiwahwahs” for sale. I would correct him only he has a penchant for running his extremely loud racecar engine at all hours of the night.

    Adores: 4
    • 2010 November 18
      mudslicker permalink

      My neighbor has guns and “pitballs”…

      Adores: 5
      • 2010 November 18
        Tankerbell permalink

        Do your neighbor’s guns actually fire pitballs?

        BLAM! Arf-Arf-Arf-Arf! THUD! Whine-whine-whine

        Adores: 7
        • 2010 November 18
          Meej permalink

          With bees in their mouths!

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 November 18
          CapnMac permalink

          Hey, would PitBall Kanon be an ideal name for a christian Punk band?

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 November 18
          LurkRealClose permalink

          Yes, if it were not already the name of IF’s Dead Milkmen cover band.

          Adores: 3
      • 2010 November 19
        Windrose permalink

        LRC! LRC LRC LRC!

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 November 19

          BVN! BVN! BVN! BVN!

          Adores: 1
    • 2010 November 18
      Bianchi Sound permalink

      Me and my Shit Sue agree whole-heartedly, Bavec.

      Adores: 6
    • 2010 November 18
      Smedley permalink

      Try owning a Catahoula sometime.

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 November 18
        christina permalink

        That’s cattle hula. How do you plan to re-home on Craigslist if you can’t speel the breed write.

        Adores: 4
        • 2010 November 18
          Smedley permalink

          My misteak.

          Adores: 3
  15. 2010 November 18
    Tankerbell permalink

    I’m concerned about the implications of the fact pattern here:
    1. Sparkette is moving tomorrow morning
    2. The Datsuns had their shots
    3. The Datsuns are not spayed or neutered.
    4. Sparkette works at a Banfield.
    5. The Datsuns are “about” a year old.
    6. Sparkette has just now begun advertising her Datsuns

    Fact 1 tells us that Sparkette is almost done packing, suggesting that most of her stuff has been gone through. Facts 2 through 4 suggest that she lost track of the Datsuns at some point. Because they got their shots, suggesting that either she got them from someone who was responsible enough to have gotten their shots before adopting them out, or she knew where they were at shot time. But since she works at a Banfield, one would assume that she knows about fixing pets and has access to that service, and one must assume that she knows the importance of doing so. But she couldn’t. She could no longer find the Datsuns. Since they are still in her house, that means they hadn’t run away, ergo they were in the house the whole time. Facts 5 and 6 tell us that, although she has had them for some time, Sparkette has not thought about the placement of her Datsuns until way late in the game. This suggests that either she forgot about them or was unsure whether she still had them. Neither scenario makes sense unless they were lost in clutter.

    QED. Sparkette is a hoarder and the Datsuns were lost in the clutter for almost a year.

    Adores: 9
    • 2010 November 18
      Meej permalink

      Feral Datsuns, living on discarded pizza crusts and hiding among the bales of old newspaper…

      Adores: 6
      • 2010 November 18
        Tankerbell permalink

        Feral Datsuns for band name of the day!!!

        Adores: 2
    • 2010 November 18
      Addicted Reader permalink

      And the female is probably pregnant. Mini-Datsuns for everyone!

      Adores: 2
  16. 2010 November 18
    Stephanae permalink

    I think datsun is another word for soner.

    Adores: 5
  17. 2010 November 18

    Banfield = not a real vet clinic. It’s part of PetsMart. They give vaccinations the same way Walgreens gives flu shots. So yeah, not surprised that this genius worked at one.

    Adores: 3
  18. 2010 November 18
    Smedley permalink

    [Video game corey] There is a game on the old Dreamcast system called “Blue Stinger”, and in one of the side quests, you go fetch a can of Doxin out of a vending machine for a guy to get his Managers Keycard. [/video game corey]

    Adores: 2
    • 2010 November 18
      Tankerbell permalink

      Smedley, my love, you are as much a part of the Snark Lounge as the lovely cave art on the walls and that odd stain Hammy refuses to explain. When are you gonna get yourself a cool avatar and quit bein’ a quilt square?

      Adores: 3
      • 2010 November 18
        Smedley permalink

        I would have to change my name, as some other jackwagon is currently using it.
        Would I be as snarktastic as Smedlee? Methinks there would again be gender confusion.
        Oh, I guess I will try. Tomorrow, I will attempt to change, after payroll is done, and I have some free time.

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 November 18
          Stephanae permalink

          I don’t think Gravatar cares what your name is, Smedley. Theoretically, you only have to use the same email address. I have not tested this, but I think the llamanun said so, so it must be true.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 November 18
          Smedley permalink

          Tried it when I initially de-lurked, and was told to pick another name. I’ll see again tomorrow. Maybe something delightful involving pitbulls and bees happened to the usurper, and I can use the name.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 November 18
          Addicted Reader permalink

          Names in the fora have to be unique (see: Not.A.Moira) but they don’t have to be here in the comments. You can fill in whatever you like for the name field. The avatar image is linked to the email address.

          It’s possible you tried to use a username at Gravatar that was already taken, but that name doesn’t show up here, if I remember correctly, so it doesn’t matter what you use.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 November 18
          not.a.Smedley permalink

          You can use any name you want on gravatar as long as your email is the one you use here. Your name here can be what ever you want, as you can see from mine.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 November 18
          Is.A.Smedley permalink

          And mine.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 November 18
          Not.Sure.if.She(He?).Is.A.Smedley permalink

          But not mine, because I used a different email address.

          Adores: 1
      • 2010 November 19

        that odd stain Hammy refuses to explain

        It’s a pecil mark.

        Adores: 5
        • 2010 November 19
          Tankerbell permalink

          This we knew. But… on the ceiling?

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 November 19

          *Cough*

          Yeah, I’m rather proud of that.

          There once was a Ham from Nantucket…

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 November 19
          Bombdude permalink

          It *has* been awhile…

          Adores: 3
  19. 2010 November 18
    CapnMac permalink

    Ugh, been a long tough Thursday.
    Was out quite late for the Memorial, which is always frought with emotion. being solo added another dimension which was neither welcome nor unwelcome.

    Spending the day suffering was not good–but that was a result of the free tacos from Jack the day before.

    Which was actually good, as Verizon had another uh-oh where aDSL was out most of the day. So, one reset on the modem, and I was returned to the intertubes. If after five CST, and well after most of my ‘imaginary friends’ had gone home. oh well, one presses Onward, ever Onward!

    Adores: 2
    • 2010 November 18
      Addicted Reader permalink

      I’m not always sure what’s wrong, but I hope everything improves for you soon, Cap’n!

      Adores: 2
    • 2010 November 18
      not.a.Smedley permalink

      Don’t forget about your imaginary friends on the west coast, or those of us with no concept of a reasonable bedtime.

      Adores: 3
      • 2010 November 18
        CapnMac permalink

        Ah, point quite well-taken.

        If with a grain of salt considering the the wall-of-posts that can swirl around HHNF and Beau et al.

        Adores: 1
  20. 2010 November 18
    Tankerbell permalink

    Yeah, Cap’n. I’m imaginary and I’m on the West Coast. And I have no concept of a reasonable bedtime.
    So, guess you figured out why Jack was giving those tacos away, eh?

    Adores: 3
    • 2010 November 18
      LurkRealClose permalink

      I’m imaginary, on the East Coast, have no concept of a reasonable bedtime, and am wearing a poncho. So there.

      Adores: 3
    • 2010 November 19
      CapnMac permalink

      Sadly, yes–or that the help was more than tired of making them to give away.

      had not thought to wear a poncho–might try that . . . <G>

      Adores: 1
  21. 2010 November 19
    Windrose permalink

    Mindfield Smiley Dog, Punchity Punchity Punchity Punchity Punch Punch! Gotta start giving out punches that match the winning comment more closely.

    G’Night, Michugganas!

    Adores: 1

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