YSaC, Vol. 860: Guess my race is run.
What happened to the man searching anyone category? Meth Sucks! – m4w – 30
I just wanted someone to hang with or email. Why do you have to pick a man or a woman if it’s strickley platonic? I think I like hanging and opening up to girl maybe a little more but even then how much can one woman stand listening to someone like me listen to how much I love and miss my soul mate. I would think eventually they would get sick and want to focus on finding their own. Even though they intended on being something with good values, a listener, a bff, who knows? I lost my gf to meth. She is in rehab right now and it’s hard for me. My house was vandalized around the same time by someone I knew for 17 yrs. He painted the inside of my house with spraypaint trying to cover cameras, stole my tv, stole my safe, my money, my sisters rings, my bmw (I recently recovered in southern Oregon), that was a long trip. My house is wired for sound I resenty found out. I guess I am being watched? I think I need to go to chuch. I resently had a spiritual experience, saved someone’s life, I’ve been followed by 17 people at once( I have a police scanner), lost most my friends through lack of contact, had my car stolen, my house vandalized, lost my soul mate to meth and much more but I really just need some kind of guidence but can’t trust many and don’t feel like reaching out to far……….. I didn’t feel like proof reading… sue me.
Court of YSaC for the Eleventeenth Circuit
In Re: Sparky, Defendant
Ostrimu, Plaintiff
Dewey, Cheetham, and Howe, Attorneys for the Plaintiff
Case No: ###-#######
Complaint Under Section Elebenty(b)(42)
1. This is a proceeding to determine the necessity of proofreading.
2. This is a proceeding for which this court has jurisdiction under 28 Y.S.C. § 157(b).
3. The defendant herein is crazy, as revealed by our extensive surveillance and recordings. (Exhibit A, Attached)
4. Defendant did willfully fail to proofread his post, as prohibited under 28 Y.S.C. § 358(a)(41)
WHEREFORE,
1. Plaintiff prays that the court enjoin the defendant from further posting on Craigslist without proper standards of punctuation, grammar, and spelling.
2. Plaintiff further prays that the court determine that the plaintiff have judgment against the defendant for eleventy billion dollars, or at least one (1) case of vintage cereals.
3. Plaintiff further prays that Sparky be ordered to show reasonable cause why he should not be enjoined from further use of the internets.
4. Plaintiff further prays for such other and further relief as is just including reasonable costs and fees, and also a pony.
Dated November 24, 2010
Dan the Ostrimu, pro se
Thanks for the link, RooLoo!
If he’s being followed by 17 people at once, it sounds like he has plenty of people to talk to! Just turn around and ask them for their e-mail addresses, Sparky
P.S. I’m not happy about being called in to work the day after Thanksgiving when it was supposed to be a day off. It’s shorter hours than usual but that makes it worse as I have to drive all the way there and all the way back for not much money when I would have rather slept in.
P.P.S. There is a flock of 30 turkeys(yes, I counted) that hang around my and my neighbor’s yards… leaving all their droppings behind making said yards minefields. If anyone would like some fresh wild turkey this Thanksgiving (no having to defrost one!) please come visit me. Bring your own hunting device.
I would love to unturkey your yard. But I think the distance would be problematic at best.
How about you just email them to me and I’ll hunt them here.
Aren’t you worried you’ll get spam instead?
Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam …
::mutters something about earworms again::
That’s ok, SJ. I like the taste of spam too, and it’s way easier to hunt down.
It doesn’t get very far in that tin.
Uh-oh, don’t let HamCan hear you talking about hunting tinned meat products.
Like the spysat has not already flagged the reference!
hard to spraypaint the sky, duh <g>
Day after Thanksgiving? What? Did I forget to set my alarm and miss a couple of days again?
Happy Black Friday Angel!
People are so picky about what day of the week it is. Some of us don’t keep track of those pesky days of the week.
What month is this again?
It is the month of Sundays, such as heard of in Legends. 8)
Yay, fresh turkey! Just let me warm up the killbots and I’ll be right over.
Here’s your wild turkey (and wishing all a happy Thanksgiving)
*clears throat*
Ahem
*and in the voice of Jack Prelutsky*
The turkey shot out of the oven
And rocketed into the air,
It knocked every plate off the table
And partly demolished a chair.
It ricocheted into a corner
And burst with a deafening boom,
Then splattered all over the kitchen,
Completely obscuring the room.
It stuck to the walls and the windows,
It totally coated the floor,
There was turkey attached to the ceiling,
Where there’d never been turkey before.
It blanketed every appliance,
It smeared every saucer and bowl,
There wasn’t a way I could stop it,
That turkey was out of control.
I scraped and I scrubbed with displeasure,
And thought with chagrin as I mopped,
That I’d never again stuff a turkey
With popcorn that hadn’t been popped!
*If you’re a singer: to the tune of My Bonnie Lies Over The Ocean*
That is awesome beyond words. Many, many doors.
Ditto.
On top of spaghetti all covered in cheese
I lost my poor meatball when somebody sneezed.
…oh wait.
ANNOUNCEMENT: CoffDrop, please come to the pick-up window. Your spleen is ready. CoffDrop, to the pick-up window please.
Mmmmmm – with some fava beans and a nice chianti……..
Hush! You lambs – HUSH!!
SilvaNoir — Just call everyone you see at work Sparky (at least in your head). It will make the day go faster.
As for the turkeys, I could e-mail you my 2 cats and my dog. They seem to have taken care of the rabbits and deer that were eating all of my plants.
30 Turkeys? Turkeys never gather in groups that large unless…
Those are SPY TURKEYS!
You’re being watched too!
That’s just silly. Turkeys make terrible spies; their messages always come through
gobbledgarbled.Tell me, spyPenny, are you really a sextuple agent working undercover on Turkey farms for the American CIA, or are you actually a disguised Ms. Moneypenny, sent to keep watch on me by M?
I could tell you, but then I would have to kill you.
spyPenny, here’s your card. I feel it’s only a matter of time until I get to punch
youit.I plan on having plenty of Wild Turkey for Thanksgiving. After the good Scoresby’s is all gone.
Hi Steve-O! You’ve been missed!
Some people just don’t want to give up their blenders and cocktail shakers.
Heya Steve-O! Long time; no snark.
I took a little sabbatical from technology. I really felt like I needed to evaluate my…. ooooohhhh shiny!
*Its good to be home for the holidays.
Well, glad to see you’ve come to your senses!
*every time a fire bell rings, an angel gets its wings*
I thought every time a fire bell rings, it meant something was on fire?
Or a cat got stuck in a tree.
Silva – might I suggest catching as many of the turkeys as possible and taking them with you on Friday. Then, leave them at the place of employment over the weekend, if no one is around. ’twill give a whole new meaning to “Black Friday” – and probably create what will become known as “Unstuffed Turkey Monday”. You’ll probably want to put them in your bosses office so that they don’t wander off and get lost.
I have to say, this sounds an excellent plan, one with many beneficial effects. It only has two flaws that I can see.
One is that the boss is likely to not see the practical side of this, and enter into a tither, and thus make Monday even worse than it need be.
Two, wild turkey are surprisingly resistant to collection. There’s no handy turkeynip to entice them with, nor a simple lure that they’d follow like a piper.
“Circuit” is spelled wrong.
He didn’t proofread. Sue him.
I don’t think I want to sue the Ostrimu*.(hee-hee, that rhymes) The Llama-Nun* might set the attack bees on me.
Bees be upon them both.
This is how you know you’ve become a regular here: Your first criticism is to correct the spelling in the commentary of a bad CL ad, because anything else is pointless. 😀
I would like to think I’ve been of great assistance in brining people into the fold, then.
You’re brining people? I thought everyone seemed a little salty lately!
Yay, I made Camille a reglular now too!
‘Tis the season to pickle people, I guess.
Regular is spelled wrong, Taco.
Anuther regular is created!
I see nohting wrong with TypoMagic’s spelling.
I guess spyPenny is irregular!
To the rescue of spyPenny.
I have a circut. I bought it at Michael’s.
Did you use a coupon? 8)
Of course I did! And I used my circut classy coupon clipping contraption to cut the coupon. Then I bedazzled it, just because.
I thought a circut was something the doctor or rabbi/mohel did.
That’s sir-cut.
Thought it was a bris-kut, and tur Moil was t’ pastrami
Thought it was a bris-kut, and tur Moil was t’ pastrami
I like my bris-cut prepared with a dry rub, then cooked over low heat for an extended period of time.
Grampdaddy, all I can say is “OW.”
I can say “EW.”
I think Tanker got the sentiment I was feeling.
Also, this is dated next year.
::goes back to napping::
Life’s not easy for a sue named me.
Oh, Sparky – you do need help. Seek salvation through Brother Love…….
CD, that’s pretty cool, dewd!
This dude’s carrying around a whole lot of resent(ly?).
And a fair amount of A/V equipment and/or meth as well.
Well, he WAS carrying the meth anyway.
“Dissolved in bloodstream” counts as carrying.
Touché, madam, touché.
Do people think it’s clever not to proofread? Do people not realize that the writing is all other people will see, not their ironic tone or silly faces?
Attention Sparkies: PEOPLE *WILL* JUDGE YOU BY WHAT YOU POST ON THE INTERNET. We will not be charitable and correct it in our heads as we read. This is what you give us, this is what you get.
::is grumpy about being awake and in the lab, but is excited to go home early and sleep in tomorrow::
This is the age in which we live. An age where my incoherant noodlings of grammar and spelling are considered elegant in contrast to the daily word vomit of the masses.
Err…
I mean:
Lol, u mad?!!1! ur so funy adict reder!
I need to go take a shower now.
I need a nap now.
[mustache] No, AR, this reply is ironic. [/mustache]
<meta> So Movember of you </meta>
I just looked up movember. While I’m not a fan of facial hair, I like the concept of this cause. And now my husband will be happy to know that he will be allowed to do his best Burt Reynolds impression next year, provided he donates to charity.
AR, I could comment on the rise of the idiocracy but many people better than me have done so already.
Yes, in certain expanding circles, it’s considered chic to be a dumbass. The lovable buffoonery of comedy geniuses (and genius *is* a good word for most great comics) has degenerated into stuff like “Jackass” – but with even less intelligence behind it.
*wanders off muttering about damn kids leaving plastic beer cups on the lawn*
I’ve apparently turned into a curmudgeon right on schedule. Good to know.
What you need is more mead, Moira! 8)
:hands Moira a cane:
This will come in handy for when those dang kids sneak onto your lawn looking for mead.
Welcome Moira – pull up a chair nearby, and we can hit the idiots with our canes. Any particular snack-food you’d like while we’re out here?
Grampdaddy, you naughty boy, where did you get those chips and Twinkies? You know that you are only allowed prunes or jello for your evening snack.
It’s OK, christina – these are the high fiber Twinkies – they keep me moving AND well preserved. See, I’m still fresh-tasting, even after 60 years.
I started reading and sort of felt bad for Sparks. By the second “paragraph” (or where it should have been) I realized I was having some sort of holiday induced sympathy for a paranoid asshat. Sorry, it won’t happen again.
Tonight at the 40 Watt: Paranoid Asshat, promoting their new album, “Tinfoil.”
Christina Hendricks is breathtakingly beautiful. Good choice Lola, I think I might have a little crush on her too!
The Party of the First Part, herein known as Sparky, acknowledges the complaints of the Party of the Second Part, herein known as the Ostrimu (upon whom bees are ever wished) and furthermore resolves by proxy to eschew the World Wide Web and all attachments to communication via Craigslist until the his gf is released from rehab and he learns to spell. It is further acknowledged that Sparky is, indeed, a liar, and cannot be trusted.
PS — OMG PONIES!
Ponies? Where?
If only all legal briefs could end with a pony. I just hope it doesn’t turn out to be a drawn and quartered horse.
Ending up with a pony in your briefs? Sounds uncomfortable.
Edit: Or like a very drunken night.
I was betting someone would make a “briefs” joke. Just didn’t figure it would be you AR….hehe.
I’m going to go with “Pony in Your Briefs” to be either a) Band name or b) his own loving personification of said attorney’s junk
Mr. Litta Gator, Esq. : Hey, anyone want to say hello to my friend Flicka?
Hang around here enough, and you too will be crossing the line without even noticing.
I’ve crossed the line so many times, I don’t know where the original line is anymore. And I didn’t even notice.
Must resist…urge…
I have no problem with ponies in briefs.
-or-
That’s what she said.
I’ll go to my corner now.
If I have a pony in my briefs, does that excuse me being a horse’s ass?
:resists urge to make My Little Pony joke:
You referring to Hammy or TacoTypo??
I’ve engaged the firm Dewey, Cheetham and Howe on several previous occasions but I’ve never been sure I was getting good legal value for my money.
Hm. I prefer Markham, Cheetham, and Kastemov.
I use the law firm, Bleadham, Bleadham and Dahrain.
Any guesses who handled my divorce?
I’m confused about how a police scanner would tell you that you were being followed by 17 people at once, unless (1) the people following you were police (in which case the police in Sparky’s town have too much time on their hands), or (2) the police were following the 17 people who were following Sparky (which would make the whole thing more in the nature of a parade).
Ooh, a parade!
Can we march in it, pwetty pwease?
Well, what with all the ponies, it seemed like a good idea. Think you could round up a marching band for us, Astro?
We have met the marching band, and they are us.
I’ll join the parade!
Just make sure the marching band goes in front of the ponies. Eww…
Maybe the Ministry of Silly Walks could choreograph the marching band.
Astro, be careful what to ask for, could be a six-mile parade following the elephants, with the reviewing stand at the end instead of the beginning.
I LOLed at the idea of a parade, Little Bear.
I can just picture it:
Sparky steps out of his house, looks around, and sets off down the street.
17 stalkers emerge from behind neighboring buildings, under cars, behind bushes and trash cans, and start to saunter non-chalantly down the street behind Sparky. If Sparky turns around, the stalkers try to look like they’re not looking at him and just happen to have business on the street.
A few dozen police officers peek around the corner of the block, then move from one spot of cover to the next (the same cars and trash cans that the stalkers used) as quietly as they can, keeping the stalkers in sight.
Sparky gets to the store and goes inside. The stalkers fade into the background – under cars, behind bushes, etc. The police stay a block back, watching.
Sparky comes out of the store, and the whole thing starts again.
Sparky’s being stalked by ninjas!
No, silly. We can see them following him, so they can’t be ninjas. Ninjas have invisibility cloaks.
AR, thank you for that fantabulous image. I will be giggling all day!
They could be incompetent ninja.
After all, they called out their numbers on the po-leese radio . . .
Incompetent ninja = dead ninja.
Oops – read incompetent as incontinent – could explain how Sparky knew he was being followed.
Maybe a Meth-head Police Scanner works like the Marauder’s Map.
**HP7.1- Win!**
Or methtastic Sparky thinks Twitter is a police scanner.
Yay!, laKitta with avatar!
And, Spark’s probably had enough crank that his twitter feed peobably is largely LEO, and Parole Officers, Court Clerks, Bail Bondsmen, and Dog the bounty hunter . . .
Anyone else think Sparky spray-painted his own place to cover up “the cameras”?
Why thank you, Thing.
EDIT: How dare you edit, SJ! No soup for you!
I will again quote the great philosopher LimeLolly; Pfffftt!
Don’t forget the bees, Kitten Britches.
Pppbbbbtttt
NEVER forget the bees!
Darn, I always have trouble pronouncing those fancy foreign words.
Sj.. pronouncing foreign words. Just stick out your tongue and
blow….spray….. you’re right. It’s too much trouble.Bingo SJ! Paranoia strikes deep — into your heart it will creep….
Wow, CD, what penetrating lyrics!
I’ve got you Buffaloed…….
Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo.
murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur murmur .
That’s oddly soothing.
Like being at the beach, only not.
badger badger badger badger
Snake!
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no plauy makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and dno play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no playt makes Jack a sull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
Mushroom! Mushroom!
*cough* Sorry.
I’m sorry, but my heart will always belong to Llama, Llama, Duck.
The badgers simply can’t compare.
Did you type that wall-o-text, Astro? I’m seeing mizspeelings that cut & paste wouldn’t make.
ROOFER ROOFER ROOFER ROOFER!!
rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb
Ooh…Smedley must have been kissed by a princess. He’s no longer a quilt.
I’m assuming Smedley is male. Why did I do that?
Yeah, I’m a guy. Peer pressure finally took its toll, and I have an avatar.
Well, your avvie is adorable! Looks like that RCA dog with his head cocked like that.
He is a she. This is Velcro, her story is posted over the weekend.
You’re right, Bianchi, let’s stick with the proper holiday theme:
Breasts, Breasts, Breasts, Breasts, Breasts, Breasts, Breasts, Breasts, Breasts, Breasts, Breasts, Breasts, Breasts, Breasts, Breasts, Breasts, Breasts, Breasts, Breasts, Breasts.
*Turkey breasts, you perves! Plump, juicy, tender, delicious turkey boobies.
Pie, Pie, Pie, Pie, Pie, Pie, Pie, Pie, Pie, Pie, Pie, Pie, Pie, Pie, Pie, Pie, Pie, Pie, Pie, Pie, Pie, Pie,
Rhubarb Pie – yum, yum, yumyumyum!
Leprechaun, Leprechaun, Leprechaun, Leprechaun, Leprechaun, Leprechaun, Leprechaun, Leprechaun, Leprechaun, Leprechaun, Leprechaun, Leprechaun, Leprechaun, Leprechaun, Leprechaun, Leprechaun, Leprechaun, Leprechaun, Leprechaun, Leprechaun, Leprechaun, Leprechaun, Leprechaun, Leprechaun, Leprechaun, Leprechaun, Leprechaun, Leprechaun, Leprechaun, Leprechaun, Leprechaun, Leprechaun, Leprechaun, Leprechaun, Leprechaun, Leprechaun, Leprechaun, Leprechaun, Leprechaun, Leprechaun, Leprechaun, Leprechaun, Leprechaun, Leprechaun, Leprechaun, Leprechaun, Leprechaun, Leprechaun, Leprechaun.
I was going to say “Penis, Penis, Penis, Penis, Penis, Penis, Penis, Penis, Penis, Penis, Penis, Penis, Penis, Penis, Penis, Penis, Penis, Penis, Penis, Penis, Penis, Penis…”
But that would be wrong so close to a holiday.
Bianchi – I am SO impressed with your maturity and sense of propriety. You truly are a model for all of us and should serve as our inspiration.
Happy holiday, may you be well gobbled!
OT – not only does my iPhone spellcheck seem to be pre-set to Sparkese but it also “learns” words that you type frequently (and I have the suggestion/autofill feature thingy on), so…
When my dear ol’ mum texted me that she loves me, I responded with: “I love yousuckatcraigslist”. And you know what? I do. I really do.
I think we know who’s getting in the Thanksgiving box.
The turkey, right?
The following is an excerpt from Sparky’s stream of consciousness just prior to, and during, his posting of this ad. Please note that I take no responsibility for the accuracy of this excerpt as I didn’t proofread his thoughts.
Home. Need to get home now. Why are they following me? There are so many of them. Too many to count, but there are at least 17. It smells like there are 17. Gotta get home. Can’t follow me into my own home. That’ll shake ’em, yes, yes. Schnauzer. Schnauzer crossing the road. Schnauzer with long tufts of fur hanging from its jowls. Owner with long tufts of fur hanging from his jowls. His? Her? Oh, God. Don’t look, don’t look, keep walking. Walking, walking, walking, head down, don’t look at anyone, keep your head do– PENNY! That’s good luck! WAIT, no! Could be a spy penny. Leave it alone, don’t give them something else to track you with, just keep walking.
New paragraph. Almost home. Aw, man, just stepped in dog crap. Bet it was that schnauzer. Just keep walking, pretend you didn’t notice, don’t stop for anything. Bet that owner is one of them. Got his dog to crap there just to get me to stop. Well I’m not gonna stop. My house is right there and then they can’t follow me. Keys, keys are in pocket, need to get them out. Keys, keys — there’s some gum, pocket knife, emergency tinfoil ball — KEYS. Excellent. Key in lock. Turn. Push. Duck behind. Close. Lock. Lock. Lock. Lock. Slide chain. Lock. Slide deadbolt. Lock. Enter code. Minefield activated. CRAP, NO, that’s my TiVo password! Cancelcancelcancel, enter the right code. There. Secondary code. Laser fence engaged. Bee catapult armed. Try and get me now, douchebags.
Ahh, home sweet home. Must be quiet though. They wired the house for sound and I haven’t found the listening devices yet. I wish I had someone to come home to, or even just someone to talk to. It has been so lonely here ever since my house was broken into, my stuff was stolen, my soul mate got sent to rehab for meth addiction, my was car stolen, my house was vandalized, my soul mate got mate sent to rehab for meth addiction, my house was broken into and vandalized, my car got stolen, my house was wired for sound, my was stuff stolen, my house got broken into, my soul mate was taken from me, and Rue McClanahan died. So, so lonely.
I need someone to talk to, I need someone so very desperately. I think I’ll go online and post something on Craigslist. At least they aren’t monitoring that. Let’s see, where to post … oh, yes, I know where I need to– hey, wait, what? What do you mean there’s no “man searching anyone” category? When did this happen? Why did they take that away? Damn you, Craig, you bastard! Now I’m going to have to post this to one of the gender seeking groups. I mean, I just want to talk to someone, anyone. Could be a dude, could be a chick, I don’t care. I guess I’ll post to the M4W then. Chicks are more understanding when people talk about feelings and stuff. Yeah. Yeah.
Type quietly. Don’t want them using sonic forensics to figure out which keys I’m hitting. I’ll just talk about my troubles and if someone responds I’ll know they can put up with my whinging because they read through my complaints and they still called. That’s gotta work, that’ll separate the ones who could be real E-Mail pals from the ones who will talk to me, like, once and then I’ll never hear from them again or they’ll get taken away to rehab because of meth, too. Meth sucks.
There. Posted. Now I just wait. I’m sure it will just be only a matter of time, right? Right? Why the hell am I asking me? Crap, is that someone peeking through a crack in my curtains? SCREW YOU, PEEPER! There, curtains properly closed. I’m hungry.
Sparky sounds paranoid.
WHO DO YOU WORK FOR? I want answers!
*Uses tractor beam to switch the spoons into the fork compartment in MF’s silverware drawer.*
Jedi hand wave
This is not the penny you are looking for.
We’re sorry. The mind you are trying to influence is not available to take your force powers right now. Please leave a message at the sound of the theramin and it will get back to you as soon as possible.
*ooooEEEEEooooOOoooo*
*Tape is full*
**inserts CD-Rom.**
There you go, much better than those pesky old tapes.
Encrypted USB keys with biometric lock. You will never hear what Aunt Frusty had for dinner last night that didn’t agree with her so she thought she was dying and went to the emergency room only to find out that she swallowed the turkey baster.
At least, not in her words.
I think this Sparky’s name is Randy Quaid.
Oh Canada! Deliver us from the Star Whackers.
Hey, here’s an idea for our resident newly-minted Boston lawyer – see if the Ostrimu*, who clearly has an in with Dewey, Cheetham, and Howe (probably the august personage of Hugh Louis Dewey), who as we all know are based in Cambridge (Our Fair City), can land you a job there!
(*Bees be upon him.)
What, no “Humanity is Doomed” tag?
(I confess, I have a liking for that one, and have taken to appropriating that phrase elsewhere as necessary.)
To be fair, most of the ads that end up here could qualify for the “Humanity is doomed!” tag.
Me too.
I’d like to see a “Humility is doomed” tag!
I vote for “Hannity is doomed.”
Hannity, Colmes, Beck, O’Relley, Limbaugh, they’re all doomed, and they’re taking humanity with them.
I wish they’d take the humidity with them. This summer was killuh!
*snickers* Hannity…. what a maroon.
*O’Reilly
/Didn’t proofread. Sue me.
Don’t get me started, Bianchi and Mindfield. I made the mistake of speaking with my parents last night. My father no longer discusses things, he just reiterates whatever Fox says about something. This has not always been the case. 🙁
My liver says thanks for asking, it should be fine again soon.
I would like to see all grand-standing pundits get sent on a three-hour tour. We’ll see who’s left after three years without contact.
ORLY?
Yarowling.
Lola: “My father no longer discusses things, he just reiterates whatever Fox says about something. This has not always been the case.”
Are we secret sisters? And everything is prefaced by, “Now, you won’t hear about this on any of those liberal media stations, they’re way too [afraid/ashamed/deluded/directly involved] to have the guts to air it, but…”
I bite my tongue as much as possible, but at one point I finally said, “When I was a kid and said that the reason no one else was backing up my story was because they were too [afraid/ashamed/etc], you told me that was all the proof you needed that I was lying. Which I always was. Did the rules change?”
Won me about a 6-week reprieve from any conversations, political or otherwise. (c:
eeee, I have no known siblings, but you have my sympathy anyway. It’s an odd situation, and I am increasingly discovering others who are experiencing the same phenomenon.
What I do not say is “When did you start swallowing whole things told to you by asshats you used to make fun of?” I still can’t figure out exactly where this came from, because it is a definite change.
I don’t argue if at all avoidable because we don’t see each other that often and 1. I refuse to spend time on the phone arguing if I’m paying for it and 2. I don’t travel anywhere, for any reason, to argue, so I don’t get into it. Sometimes that means I leave the room a lot, either to avoid conversations or what’s on the TV. (I did not invent this family trait; they just ignore other things in the hope that no one will bring it up. )
Sounds like you bought your parents from Wisconsin. I think at the age of 50 the state secretly replaces your brain with a direct uplink to Fox news.
It confuses many of my co-workers that I could hold so much loathing for both Fox News AND CNN. It doesn’t even cross their mind that there could be people standing outside all the politically motivated shenanigans using scary things like logic and reason to steer our decisions. Nope, in their mind you either agree with fox news or you’re a scary liberal here to steal their money and bring Satan into their lives.
For my part I shall never understand why I should be forced to agree with everthing a person says if only a small handful of their policies makes sense and should be supported.
And this is where I thank the powers that be for being born into an insanely liberal family. My father is registered Republican for no other reason than to have both parties represented in their household. My mother has been known to complain about our secret Republican president. I have been known to complain about underpants that ride up.
Whoa! I have secret sibs! eeeee and Lola, welcome to the famdamily. And, yes, I grew up in Wisconsin, Taco, so clearly I can trace where my Dad got the implant.
I just hope they don’t find out I watch MSNBC sometimes, because then they will be sure that I am about to catch “the gay” and become a [now whispering because the word is to horrible to utter aloud] democrat.
My Dad, whom I love and respect, which makes this all the more painful, actually listens to one of those ultra-conservative call-in radio shows. Not Rush, some local Indianapolis guy, but still. Fortunately, we have the “no politics” rule because, like Lola, I do not choose to travel in order to argue with loved ones.
christina, best to just eliminate them all. Start with the underpants and work your way from there. I will support your right to ride without underpants to my last breath….
[OT]
Today’s word from Nano: inexorable. Not only was I surprised to learn that I both knew the word and could use it appropriately, but I even spelled it right on the first try.
I still had to look it up after I’d typed it, but I was amazed that I’d gotten the word correct.
[/ot]
I want to give adores to “The defendant herein is crazy.” Possibly the best thing I will read all day.
I work at a law firm, and while not a lawyer, suspect that in some of our cases, they are trying to draft reply briefs indirectly stating “The plaintiff herein is crazy.”
Just once I’d love to hear someones say, “I work for a law jiggly and….”
I work for a law jiggly and…
Happy now?
I used to work for a law squishy before moving on to a law flaccid. Does that count?
I work for a law firm but am kind of jiggly. Does that count?
Ought to. Especially if you are not giggity at work.
draft reply briefs
Do they have holes in them that let the wind blow through?
I guess it just Depends…..
(Man, I love a good Depends joke…)
Sorry EB, I’ll try to come up with one sometime. Just not today.
I don’t know if I would, in such a litigous society, invite anyone to sue me for any reason. Then again, when you got nothin’, you got nothin’ to lose. Well played sir, well played.
And if they sue him and lose, he could then sue them for wrongful litigation. Cha-ching!
I find this an intriguing mix of lucidity, paranoia, and mania.
As a graduate of the Frist School of Diagnostics for ALL Branches of Medicine, I believe this gentleman also needs to go into rehab STAT. He also needs therapy, a 12 step program, and, most likely, an entirely different set of friends.
Also, in what world is an anonymous but highly personal ad on Craigslist** NOT “reaching out to [sic] far”.
**Almost typoed with the highly-amusing “Craigslust”
Craigslust – An emotion that causes a person to make a misguided attempt to form a deep meaningful connection with total strangers through the anonymous medium of a free advertisement.
Append with: “by noting and referring to their handbags and locations of coffee purchase as a method of identification.”
Resently: adv. (ree’-sent-lee) Something that happened to you a short time ago that you didn’t like.
“Sparkys’ Pope attack happened resently.”
I hear “Pope Attack” is playing at the 40 watt.
Children’s tickets will not be sold, by order of the Ish Police Department.
“When Popes Attack” tonight on Nat Geo.
Oh, and being followed by seventeen people means you are in
a conga line. Durr.
There was almost assuredly lines of a non-conga variety involved.
“He painted the inside of my house with spraypaint trying to cover cameras”
How many cameras does this guy have in his house? At what point does a burgler decide it’s too hard to pick out individual cameras and start painting the whole wall because it’s easier?
And how funny would it be if it was clear spray paint?
Okay, I’m outta here til Monday. Happy T-day to all my peeps…and for any native American out there….I’m truly sorry.
Remember, cranberry sauce is of the devil!*
*except for Bridgete (I think it was Bridgete) and christina apparently
Being part Native American, part English (and parts other nationalities), I always have the weird urge to apologize to myself for what some of my ancestors did to some of my other ancestors.
And think how cheerful those early holiday family events were! 8)
My great grandfather is full Irish (brogue and everything) and he married a full Cherokee woman. We are an odd bunch, to say the least. Also, we are accepting liver donations.
Steve-O, my mom’s family is French Canadian. There’s a touch of Black Foot in there. Apparently one of my fur trapper great grandpas forgot to eat his squaw when snowed in at the cabin, and actually had kids with her. Of course that whole eating Native American women thing could just be a legend.
It’s OK, Snarkers. I got this.
**Takes Windy into the quiet corner of the Snark Lounge
Windy, when they said “eat his squaw”, well, they weren’t really talking about actual ingestion. You see, Windy, when two people love eachother very much, or when they are snowed in at a cabin, or when they have had a sufficient amount of alcohol…
Brings the term “cunning linguist” to a whole new level doesn’t it?
* *
__
Oh! Thanks Tanker!
Is anyone else getting an upper right ad from Grammarly.com, wherein one can check one’s grammar: “Correct all grammar errors and enhance your writing.” I love this because we’re sort of the opposite of the target audience.
I’m getting a mishmash of travel, jewelery, and Facebook for businesses today.
Yours is much more awesome.
I have
“StyleLIST
Lipsticks I love
the skinny on jeans
the best hair for me
new designers to discover”
Boy, is Google barking up the wrong tree. I do believe Goggle is in a completely different forest then I am.
Goggle
Waaaayyy different forest
:snergle:
I blame Typo. He’s a bad influence.
I’m getting an ad for something called Whitesmoke.
Is that what they’re calling cocaine* nowadays?
*I hate to mention drugs, is that over the line?
I don’t think so.
Special brownie? *proffers plate*
Isn’t Whitesmoke IF’s Whitesnake tribute band?
I’m getting an ad for Spiced Pumpkin Moose.
Spiced Pumpkin Moose is LRC’s Smashing Pumpkins holiday songs tribute band.
gustav strickley? he and his borthers made some spiffy furniture though is spensive now hard to hide surveilance stuff init thoguh wassa streem ah conschiuness anywheigh? who knows the aliens iz affer the kopwboys to, seen the movie trailer fer it or qwasat on hte scannne?
(Egads, that was difficult)
If I interpreted that correctly, the following comment will make sense. Otherwise, it’s a non sequitur.
I went to see HP7I Saturday night. We’re getting through the previews, and the here’s Daniel Craig in a cowboy town with some weird technology on his wrist. Then there’s some sort of attack from the sky. Then the screen flashes COWBOYS VS. ALIENS and I nearly fall out of my seat laughing. I mean, really? I Wikied it afterward, so I realize it comes from a graphic novel, but still. How is this not a spoof?????
:reads Cap’n’s post:
:reads AR’s post:
:reads Cap’n’s post again:
:reads AR’s post again:
:head explodes:
Louk at my pohst, naow luk at Capns’. Louk at myne, adn bak at Capns’
My speeling dohnt’ seam so bad dose it?
:boom!:
Welp, there goes my
auxilleryoxillaryback-up brain.You’re so exploded you forgot to close your HTML tag.
And now my comment has been rendered obsolete. : P
Luckily I started buying in bulk, so my back-up brain has a back-up.
Had to lookup the movie, too. (Was the only thing not previewed this afternoon.)
Trailer looks like they are playing the premise “straight”–but, trailers have been known to misstate how the movie actually is.
Oooh, I’m in the box!
Howdy all – happy day before Turkey Day! Travelling with sick baby = not fun. However, my life apparently doesn’t suck nearly as much as this dude’s does.
Anyway – wanted to wish you all a lovely Thanksgiving, whatever your plans might be. Be safe! I guess I will stop back later for a punch!
May it please the Court;
Motion to Dimiss all present who can form, and punctuate, a sentence in the English language.
Further, that defendant has no standing, for being self-evidently less competent than a vase of dafodills in yoghurt
Further, that defendant is loopier tha a gibbon with vertigo, and is as maladjusted as a baboon troup raised on nothing but cocaine, is best served by being left in this empty room as all the qualified parties recess from therein
(it’s ok, defendant can listen to the scanner he swallowed in his left elbow)
– m4fma -30
high ima 30yo male seeking female meth addic about same age.
my ex gf is in rehab and i miss her soooooo much.
my basement room dosnt seem the same without her.
mom misses her 2 but we must move on.
im not a user but i really attracted to that wafelike body an crackling good smile.
no worrys cause our cameras are all blacked out now.
i have plenty of rare coins and jewels and the neighbors kitchen hasnt esploded so supply is no prob.
if ur a solemate then pls call.
Dear Mr. Looking for Solemate,
Do you like to hang? Do you like to be opened up? Have you had a spiritual experience? If you can answer yes to all these questions, I am she for whom you search. (Bwahahahaha!)
Dis.turbing.
I like dust bunnies.
why do i smell fish?
I like bust dunnies.
why do i smell bacon?
I smell dust bunnies.
Why do I like cheese?
I dust like bunnies
Why do I smell?
I dust smelly bunnies.
Why do I?
No matter how much you dust and preen,
The bunnies will never smell clean.
Bridgete A. [last name], Esq.
AndieJD & Bridgete, LLP
123 Main Street,
Ish, [Location], 02123
Dear Mr. Ostrimu,
It has come to my attention that you may require representation in the case of Ostrimu v. Sparky with respect to Sparky’s willful failure to proofread. AndieJD and I would like to offer a special discount on our legal services should you wish to retain us for this purpose. We will represent you in this case for a flat fee of one (1) container of vintage Crisco and seventeen (17) bees. Please do not hesitate to contact us should this offer be of interest to you.
Sincerely,
/s/Bridgete A. [last name], Esq.
Bridgete A. [last name], Esq.
Bridgete, is it me or is the Ostrimu* especially hot when he talks legalese?
Uh-oh … hit Reply All again…
*Bees be upon him and the very lucky Llamanun
Tomorrow is Turkey day and I want to wish everyone a very happy Thanksgiving. I know some of you children (yes you – kiddies) will be tasked with helping with the cooking and cleanup. I guess the worst part is taking all that garbage out at the end of the day. Please – oh – please do not be a Sara Cynthia Sylvia Stout – lend a hand and take that garbage out…….
*Thanksgiving to you Shel Silverstein – where ever you are*
Best wishes to you as well, and many doors for referencing Shel Silverstein, as well as Jack Prelutsky earlier.
Happy Thanksgiving to all and I’ll see you on the group W bench.
I have vacation until December 1st, so Happy Thanks Living! I am so thankful for this community and this carry over into other areas of my life. I hope to do many Roundups while I am relaxing. ((HUGS)) to all.
MandaB, I hope your sick baby is better and you are getting some sleep. punchity punch punch!
G’Night, Boston Legal!
Well, I’m conflicted. Rolled in this morning and checked the mail from yesterday and found a card from my folks, with an obit inside. A girl who tormented me pretty much from grade school all the way to high school is dead. “Complications from ALS”. I have cared for victims of this horrible, body wasting disease, and have seen the fear in their eyes that comes from knowing that they are always losing the fight. This girl would, with regularity, black my eye and bloody my nose as a grade schooler, and taunt and tease unmercifully through middle school and high school. There were a number of times that I wished this and worse on her. I lost track of her after I left for the Navy. Apparently she had an epiphany, a moment of clarity, something, because the obit related what a godsend she was to the battered womens shelter where she worked. I had pegged her as a future junkie, someone who would be laughed at in public. She earned two major degrees, and here I sit smugly with my HS diploma that I had to go to summer school to get. I do have thanks. I thank whatever deity is currently in charge that I can feel bad because she left a son behind, rather than exult in the fact that she’s dead.
Dear Smedley,
What a great act of compassion and courage you have shown with this. Probably most of us would have sat quietly and considered our reaction to receiving the obit, and may have felt the same conflicted sense you describe. However, not many would have the courage or conscience to express those thoughts as you did.
So, whatever deity or non-deity is, or is not, in charge, rest assured that you are measure of compassion for others. Hope you have a peaceful Thanksgiving.