YSaC, Vol. 868: Your Cassette Pet.

2010 December 2

Homosexual Cassette Tapes (You Specify)


Hey, I found your homosexual cassette tapes,
email with identifying information and you can
have them back. some of them are missing
or damaged but most of them seem ok.

What, exactly, constitutes a homosexual cassette tape? I didn’t even know you could identify the gender of cassette tapes. If I was forced to guess, I would have said that all the tapes were female, since the mechanism for playing cassettes looked vaguely like inserting Tab A into Slot B … but I had no idea that some of the cassettes I had in the 80s were secretly on the down low with one another. (Okay, I might have had a slight suspicion about the Wham!UK cassette and the Frankie Goes to Hollywood cassette. I kept catching them snuggling one another in the tape case.)

Or, maybe they’re cassettes designed to turn you into a homosexual. You know, since homosexuals are constantly trying to recruit new members — they’re obviously trying to brainwash and hypnotize others into becoming homosexuals by using these cassette tapes as promotional material. Nothing says “JOIN US!” quite like a cassette tape of Richard Simmons.

ATTN: FOUND TAPE OF KIM’S BIRTH


I GOT A VHS TAPE OF KIM GIVING BIRTH THAT I FOUND IN A BOX I GOT AT FLEA MARKET. LOOKING FOR THE OWNER OF IT TO RETURN IT, THEY MIGHT STILL WANT IT. LET ME KNOW IF IT’S YOUR’S AND WHEN BABY WAS BORN AND NAME IF IT’S YOUR’S. THANK YOU

Hi Kim, here’s your VHS tape. Oh, by the way, I’ve seen your vagina.

Thanks, Amy and Lara!

162 Responses leave one →
  1. 2010 December 2

    (You Specify)

    Is there more then one kind of homosexual?

    Adores: 10
    • 2010 December 2
      sarajean80 permalink

      “Yeah, I’d like a Flamboyant, two Interior Designers, and … oh, a side of Closeted.”

      “We’ve got a two-for-one special this month on Gay For Pay.”

      “Hmmm … Sure, why not?”

      “Here you go! Thank you for visiting the Stereotypes Cafe, please come again soon.”

      Adores: 32
      • 2010 December 2
        Lola permalink

        “Hi, I’d like a home delivery … one twink, one leather daddy, one bear, and since I buy three and get one free … surprise me. My mom wants a femme/diesel yin/yang package. Do you take AmEx?”

        Oh, yeah, Hammy. Definitely more than one kind.

        Adores: 10
        • 2010 December 2

          Do ask, do tell.

          Adores: 11
        • 2010 December 2
          Bianchi Sound permalink

          Or in the case of gay cassettes, Don’t Ask, Don’t K-Tel.

          Adores: 11
        • 2010 December 2

          Many adores, oh goddess of snark.

          Adores: 2
      • 2010 December 2

        Silly SJ…don’t you know all gay men are named “Steve” and have track lighting?

        Or am I the only one here who remembers that valuable lesson via Claree of “Steel Magnolia” fame?

        Adores: 10
        • 2010 December 2
          MandaB permalink

          “How’s your nephew Steve?”

          “He’s doing fine. He just had track lighting installed.”

          (MandaB played Claree in a production of Steel Mags many, many moons ago.)

          Adores: 9
  2. 2010 December 2

    I’m much more concerned that some of the homosexual cassette tapes are missing and others damaged.

    I mean how can one properly transform into a certifiably homosexual humanoid if one doesn’t have the complete Rosetta Stone tape set?

    I fear this will not end well, and it also explains a lot…like Ru Paul…okay, maybe not Ru Paul but definitely Pee Wee Herman…

    Adores: 9
    • 2010 December 2
      ToBScholarly permalink

      And how does he know some are missing anyway? Are they part of a series?

      Adores: 8
      • 2010 December 2

        I was thinking something like that too…The Water Gayte tapes.

        Adores: 8
  3. 2010 December 2
    Addicted Reader permalink

    Umm..

    ::tilts head and squints::

    Maybe…

    ::tilts laptop monitor back and forth::

    Could be…

    ::scratches head::

    Nope, I got nuttin’. This is nonsense.

    Adores: 2
    • 2010 December 2
      sarajean80 permalink

      At least they didn’t include pictures.

      Adores: 7
      • 2010 December 2

        But if they didn’t include pictures, how are we to be sure if they’re ours?

        Adores: 2
        • 2010 December 2

          The smell?

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 2
          sarajean80 permalink

          Those of us outside the Orbiting Cave of Wonders don’t have scratch-&-sniff monitors, Hammy.

          I wouldn’t want to know what chlamydia and afterbirth smell like anyway.

          Adores: 10
        • 2010 December 2

          Scratch?

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 December 3
          Lara permalink

          I can tell you afterbirth smells nasty. I did some volunteer work at Labor and Delivery for awhile about 10 years ago. Thankfully I have no idea about Chlamydia. Oh and 2nd YSAC entry FTW! I feel so proud *sniff*

          Adores: 0
    • 2010 December 2
      Artsy Computer Geek permalink

      My first thought was Boy George tapes. He’s out of the closet case.

      As for birth tapes …. there are somethings that you don’t want to remember in detail and don’t want to show all of your friends and neighbors. Mom and baby pictures afterward are just fine. (I think that I might have needed those Matt tags again????)

      Adores: 5
      • 2010 December 2
        Tankerbell permalink

        Could these be pron tapes? I don’t think pron cassettes would be very much fun. They’d be like listening to a surveillance tape of a very religious obese person with asthma. “Oh, God!” [Seconds of heavy breathing and grunting.] “Oh, God!” [More heavy breathing and grunting.] “Oh, God!” [Yet more heavy breathing and grunting.]

        Adores: 13
        • 2010 December 2
          Addicted Reader permalink

          That’s an awesome mental image right there, Tank.

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 December 2

          Bwah hahah! I’m picturing the mother from What’s Eating Gilbert Grape.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 December 2

          Maybe they are cassette tapes from an old TRS-80 and they have ASCII pictures of naked Liberace on them…

          Adores: 5
  4. 2010 December 2
    Addicted Reader permalink

    Oh, and also:

    Happy Birthday LRC!!!

    Adores: 7
    • 2010 December 2
      Windrose permalink

      Okay, we got balloons and mostly some cake in the Snark Lounge! Happy Birthday! LRC LRC LRC LRC!

      Adores: 4
      • 2010 December 2

        Ok, we’ve got chocolate mousse and moose tracks ice cream for the birthday moose!

        Adores: 4
        • 2010 December 2
          LurkRealClose permalink

          MOOSE!

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 December 3
          Lara permalink

          I’m having a chocolate Moose for dinner (if you get that reference than I have elebenty doors for you)

          Adores: 0
      • 2010 December 2
        CapnMac permalink

        Babboons?

        Oh, you said “balloons”–my mistake

        Adores: 2
        • 2010 December 2
          Windrose permalink

          Sure glad those apes aren’t like zom — well, you know, and don’t show up just because somebody said babboo

          Adores: 3
    • 2010 December 2

      HAPPY BURRRFFDAY LRC!!!

      Adores: 2
    • 2010 December 2
      Artsy Computer Geek permalink

      LRC I have some nice gingersnaps fresh out of the oven for you. I’ll leave a tray of them in the snark lounge. (They go better with milk.) Happy happy birthday.

      Adores: 4
    • 2010 December 2
      MandaB permalink

      Happy birthday to the snark lounge’s favorite poncho-wearing, tap dancing robot moose! Okay, so you’re our only poncho-wearing, tap dancing robot moose, but we still want you to have a great birthday!

      Adores: 6
      • 2010 December 2
        Tankerbell permalink

        Poncho, Poncho Moose – We want to see, our Poncho Moose!!!

        Adores: 5
        • 2010 December 2
          Windrose permalink

          Many of us left her messages on Facebook, so she has no excuse for not showing up!

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 2
          sarajean80 permalink

          But… But… I already oiled the Spanking Machine and everything!

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 2
          NotMyName permalink

          Guess we won’t be playing Pin The Lice on the Poncho.

          Adores: 8
        • 2010 December 2
          CapnMac permalink

          Spanking Machine
          for birthday band name of the day!!!

          (monkey-themed font entirely optional)

          Adores: 3
  5. 2010 December 2
    sarajean80 permalink

    I find it disturbing that Sparky II is concerned that some random stranger will try to stealthily snatch up his tape of some other random stranger giving birth.

    While there is no doubt some sort of fetish market for that sort of thing, most perverts switched to DVDs years ago.

    Adores: 13
    • 2010 December 2
      Addicted Reader permalink

      It’s like a twisted sort of chivalry.

      “*I* saw your intimate parts, but I don’t want anyone *else* to see, because that would be wrong.”

      Adores: 8
      • 2010 December 2
        Windrose permalink

        I’m pretty sure he didn’t inhale look, he just listened.

        Adores: 6
        • 2010 December 2
          sarajean80 permalink

          So that would be, what? Several hours of grunting noises and heavy breathing, alternating with a woman cursing everyone born with a penis?

          Sounds a little like Tank’s pron cassette.

          Adores: 10
        • 2010 December 2
          Windrose permalink

          There are similarities, SJ. But someone would be talking about crowning, and dialating, and saddle blocks. So yeah, not much difference.

          Adores: 3
  6. 2010 December 2

    TAPE OF KIM GIVING BIRTH THAT I FOUND IN A BOX

    I wondered where the mess came from last time I was in the box…

    Adores: 6
    • 2010 December 2

      I’m surprised it still works.

      Adores: 3
      • 2010 December 2
        sarajean80 permalink

        Must have used duck tape.

        Adores: 2
        • 2010 December 2
          mudslicker permalink

          What about a box?

          Adores: 3
    • 2010 December 2

      At least they didn’t phrase it more ambiguously:

      I FOUND A TAPE OF KIM GIVING BIRTH IN A BOX

      Adores: 13
      • 2010 December 2
        sarajean80 permalink

        That makes Kim sound like one of those catgirls that are so popular in manga and fanfic.

        Adores: 4
      • 2010 December 2

        I am so very glad I have a screen protector right now. Congratulations, EB, this comment christened the droid.

        Adores: 4
  7. 2010 December 2

    You know I-

    Hold on I think I hear something in my Ipod.

    “All right you MP3s! I’ve told you all that we’ll not stand for that in this house! If you want to do that kind of thing, go live in SanFrancisco! Damn it “Don’t Stop Believing”, get your hands off of “Mr. Roboto!” I don’t care if you’re comfortable with it, I’m not and this is my house! Why cant you both find a pair of nice CDs to hold hands with?”

    Sorry about that, my MP3s are going through a phase.

    Adores: 15
  8. 2010 December 2
    ToBScholarly permalink

    *tunes guitar*

    Homo, homo on the tape
    Where the Gere and George Michael play
    Where seldom is heard
    An identifying word.
    Missing, damaged but most seem ok.

    Adores: 12
  9. 2010 December 2
    wendybear permalink

    And how does Sparky know that the tapes aren’t bisexual? Hmm?

    Adores: 6
    • 2010 December 2

      Maybe they are eight tracks?

      Adores: 6
    • 2010 December 3
      Lara permalink

      That assumes Sparky knows SOMETHING

      Adores: 0
  10. 2010 December 2
    Windrose permalink

    I admit to confusion. Is the video of Kim’s birth, or of Kim giving birth? Or both? I am sure it’s a lovely event, either way, and also sure the best way to find Kim is through CL.

    Adores: 2
    • 2010 December 2
      Lola permalink

      I wondered about that, too, Windrose, but my brain’s grammar center went on strike immediately after I read that part and I was unable to articulate this …

      Adores: 3
    • 2010 December 2

      I had the same confusion, and what I eventually ended up with was that it was Kim giving birth, and the guy wanted to know when the baby was born and the baby’s name in order to verify that it was, in fact, Kim (and her vagina) coming to pick up the VHS tape.

      Adores: 12
      • 2010 December 2
        Artsy Computer Geek permalink

        If he already knows Kim (and her vagina) what more information does the guy need? That is usually enough information for most guys.

        Adores: 5
        • 2010 December 2
          NotMyName permalink

          Nice save there with the “most.”

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 2
          Artsy Computer Geek permalink

          NMN — Thanks. I live in a household full of geeks. It’s better not to assume anything or generalize with out a backoutup plan.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 December 2

          Artsy’s only half right, most men can’t be bothered with unnecessary details, like names.

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 December 2
          mudslicker permalink

          Brings new meaning to the request, “you specify/identify to prove it’s your’s”. Must mean there’s something fishy about Kim’s box that only Sparky could identify.

          The best part would be if the tape was from 1982. “I’ll just send junior over to pick it up for me. Hope you will recognize him without a bunch of placenta spooge all over him.”

          Adores: 9
        • 2010 December 2
          sarajean80 permalink

          “Mom said if you didn’t recognize me to call her and she’ll text me a picture of her cootch.

          Please tell me you recognize me.”

          Adores: 19
        • 2010 December 2
          Tankerbell permalink

          Yeah, not gettin’ it. Mind if I throw this bucket of spaghetti sauce and Astroglide over you?

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 December 2

          Uhm, I don’t think Astro will appreciate that.

          Adores: 7
      • 2010 December 2
        Grampdaddy permalink

        Artsy’s only half right, most men can’t be bothered with unnecessary details, like names.

        Shame on you, christina, making a generalized comment like that – I know my name, it’s a detail I’ve kept track of for years.

        Adores: 12
      • 2010 December 3
        Lara permalink

        Maybe he should have just asked Kim to show him her vagina to prove the tape was hers

        Adores: 0
  11. 2010 December 2
    sarajean80 permalink

    Just how specific does the “identifying information” have to be? “One of the cassettes is cracked on the edge” or “Twelve minutes into Charlie and the Fudge Factory there is a half-second of static followed by a subtle red-cyan shift that lasts for eight minutes and fourteen seconds”?

    Adores: 10
  12. 2010 December 2


    You put your gay tape in,
    You pull your gay tape out;
    You put your gay tape in,
    And you play it really loud.
    You do the Homo-Pokey,
    And you turn yourself around.
    That’s what it’s all about!

    You put your left foot up,
    You put your right foot up;
    You turn your video on,
    And you make a big shout.
    You do the Baby-Pushy,
    And you shoot that sucker out.
    That’s what it’s all about!

    Everybody now!

    Adores: 27
    • 2010 December 2
      ToBScholarly permalink

      If you are gay, why would you need to pull [tape] out?

      Adores: 5
      • 2010 December 2

        To play the other side?

        Adores: 4
        • 2010 December 2
          Mindfield permalink

          Wouldn’t that make you bisexual?

          Adores: 7
        • 2010 December 2

          Try-

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 December 2

          Hammy, did you attempt to say that you were trying zomb-

          Adores: 3
  13. 2010 December 2
    SilvaNoir permalink

    Maybe they’re (gay) books on tape? Or slash fanfiction on tape…

    Adores: 3
    • 2010 December 2
      sarajean80 permalink

      That is a scary, scary thought. Given what I’ve read of fanfic, it would sound like it was being read by Rainman.

      Adores: 5
      • 2010 December 2
        Tankerbell permalink

        ‘Course it’s one minute to orgasm. Definitely only one minute to orgasm.
        I definitely like that, definitely like. ‘Course there’s four billion, two hundred million, seven hundred and three thousand, five hundred and ninety-three nerve endings in the human penis.
        Uh-oh! Fart.
        Course it’s ten seconds to orgasm, ten seconds.

        Adores: 8
        • 2010 December 2
          sarajean80 permalink

          But with more mispeelings.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 December 3
          Lara permalink

          Women have an equal number of nerves in the clitoris if memory serves right.

          Adores: 1
  14. 2010 December 2
    Mindfield permalink

    Dimpy loved flea markets and used goods stores. There was never any telling what sort of weird and wonderful personalized treasures could be found by digging through the piles created by the day’s lazy shoppers and spending a few bucks on the sort of obscure things nobody else was likely to want. Diaries that still contained personal entries from their previous owners, mix tapes, old recorded VHS movies, 8mm films, and so on. He wasn’t sure how these sorts of things slipped past staff screening processes that was supposed to have them tossed for privacy reasons, but they did, and that was his gain. His ex-girlfriends couldn’t stand his obsession, and it was usually the reason they became his exes in the first place.

    Today’s haul were a series of audio cassettes and a VHS tape whose labels were worn and faded over such a time as to be unreadable by now, which made the discovery process that much more fun. They were like a voyeuristic version of those surprise candy bags; you knew there was going to be some stuff you didn’t like in there, but you bought it for the stuff you knew it probably contained that you did like.

    Dimpy decided to try one of the audio cassettes first; they were already rewound, so that was handy. He popped one into his vintage dual deck unit — also procured from a second-hand store, naturally — and hit play. After the crescendoing de-spooling tone, a man’s voice began to speak.

    Hello, and welcome! You have made the right choice in buying this tape, because you are about to embark on a journey that many before you have taken. But before this tape, their journeys were fraught with peril. They risked becoming feared, cast out, or worse, injured, and many delayed the journey as long as they could because of this — until they were strong enough to handle the dangers that stood in their way. But now you no longer have to face these dangers alone, because you have purchased the path to personal freedom, to emotional freedom, and to worldly success despite societal pressures against you. I will be your guide along this path, to help you each step of the way and to show you exactly how to achieve this success. My name is Piers Rumping, and together, we will step out of the closet and into the sunshine as I guide you on The Road to Successfully Becoming Openly Gay.

    Dimpy paused the tape. Odd. He liked to try and date the stuff he found either by its contents or the medium containing it, but it was hard to do with this. The label was quite nondescript even for a recordable, listing only the length of the cassette and giving no manufacturer name and only a simple red border. There was the faintest indentation from a pencil that had written a description of its contents, but it had either faded or been erased. Given that there were no markings indicating that it was metal or chrome, or featured any form of Dolby noise reduction, he had to assume it was either a really cheap import of a more recent vintage, or something old enough not to have had such options available to it when it was manufactured.

    The announcer, on the other hand, had a distinct 50s or 60s vibe to him. His tone, enunciation, pacing, choice of words, and in particular, the way the audio seemed to be recorded within a fairly narrow frequency band that seemed to cut off anything above 5k or below 3k, resulting in a pretty muddy recording with no bass and barely-defined highs. At best, this was a more recent cassette taping from a much older source, maybe a transfer from an old 4-track reel.

    Perhaps it piqued his curiosity because not only did it remind him of those early television public service announcements that were so deliciously naïve, racist and chauvinistic by today’s standards, but this was exactly the opposite sort of thing such mid-20th-century sensibilities tried to impress. For no other reason than this, Dimpy continued to listen to the tape.

    It was rather remarkable given both the content and period in which it had surely been recorded, but the content itself was also rather fascinating and strangely prescient in that much of the guidance and instruction it gave sounded like it could still be relevant today despite modern society’s greater acceptance of alternate lifestyles. Stranger still, Dimpy felt an odd and inexplicable sense of relief when the tape ended, and not because it was over.

    Dimpy mentally shook himself off and decided to turn his attention to the videotape he found. He stuck it in the VCR and hit play. It had obviously not been rewound, so it started smack in the middle of a frantic scene with the camera pointed directly at the business end of a woman giving birth.

    “Hoo, boy,” Dimpy said aloud in an effort to expel the sudden shock he experienced from the startling immediacy and intimacy of the visual. He should turn it off, he really should. But he couldn’t. It was like rubbernecking by an accident scene on the highway, only staring at the creation of life instead of its grisly loss. There was yelling and screaming, breathing exercises and commands to push, all while the husband tried valiantly but unsuccessfully to pretend his wife wasn’t crushing his hand into a bag of gravel.

    At long, loud and awkward length, the baby was delivered, cheers were raised and joyous tears were shed — Dimpy had to admit that even he was misting up, and he waggled a hand in front of his face for a moment as if to shoo away the melancholy before wondering why he just did that — and eventually the husband was led off to have his hand fitted for a cast.

    The birth video seemed important. Someone must have given this away by accident. He really should try and find its owners, as they probably would want such a keepsake back. He posted on Craiglist, hoping that they were local and would see the ad and respond and be happy to have recovered such precious, though visceral memories.

    On impulse, he also posted about the homosexual tapes to find their owner. He didn’t know why; if he was helped by these tapes, would he still need them? And if they didn’t help, he probably considered them junk. Plus, who knows how long ago these were given away. Still, he thought maybe the owner might still want them back, perhaps as a memento of his sexual liberation.

    Dimpy was suddenly and simultaneously startled and curious as he wondered if the owner might still be single.

    Adores: 20
    • 2010 December 2

      Mindfield, you need to collect these stories into a folksy novel, similar to the works of Tom Bodett, Gene Shepherd or Garrison Keillor (or however those names are spelled). You can call it “Tales From Ish.”
      Seriously, half the choking giggle-fits I have are from the names alone.

      Adores: 4
      • 2010 December 2
        Mindfield permalink

        Heh, thanks. :) I’ve actually been toying with something like a bite-sized-story-a-day-ish blog with stuff I’ve posted here and original stuff. Still haven’t committed to anything as I’m not entirely sure whether I could maintain a daily-ish posting. I don’t exactly have the kind of energy level of Hyperbole and a Half or The Blogess (although the former hasn’t posted in over two weeks). I dunno … maybe. I’ve got the server space for it just sitting there being unproductive. Could someday turn into a short story book type deal.

        I like the proposed title though.

        Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 2
          Addicted Reader permalink

          Doesn’t have to be every day. Could be every day that you have something to post, like Hyperbole and a Half. I think you’re writing is supremely entertaining, so I say go for it, and let us know!

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 December 2
          sarajean80 permalink

          You’re almost guaranteed to have the best comment section ever*!

          *Besides here, of course.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 2
          Windrose permalink

          I’m stunned! AR used the wrong form of your/you’re! I need a few minutes to recover. *whimper*

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 December 2
          Addicted Reader permalink

          Umm …

          Quick! Everyone look over there!!

          I’m going to claim I changed my mind mid-sentence. It was going to be “you’re very talented” but I changed it and didn’t delete back far enough.

          Sure.

          Keep looking there!!! ——————>

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 December 2
          sarajean80 permalink

          Quick, change the subject!

          So … Did you finally get your saucy glow-yeast pics?

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 2
          Addicted Reader permalink

          I’ve got the camera running now, actually. Some of the problem didn’t replicate, and I got some help solving the rest. I haven’t tried to save it, yet, so I can’t count my yeasties before they’re saved.

          In frustrating news, I have the camera moving back and forth between two locations on the slide. One location is staying in focus but drifting laterally, while the other location won’t stay in focus for more than a couple pictures. Grr…

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 2

          Uhm.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 2
          Addicted Reader permalink

          ::looks around::

          C’mon, I know there have to be a couple other biology geeks in here.

          Anyone?

          Fine, I’ll take my microscopy news elsewhere. Sorry to bother you all.

          : P

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 December 2

          No, it sounds cool, I just have no idea what you’re talking about :-p I’m guessing you’re doing some kind of experimenty thing or another?

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 December 2
          Lola permalink

          My mom once did some kind of lab research involving an electron microscope and a camera, but that was the olden days when the camera would have had actual film in it and computers weren’t part of the process … probably not long after you were born, AR. (Wow, I feel old. ) The subsequent work she did that did use computers did not involve cell photography.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 December 2
          Mindfield permalink

          Wow, I got so distracted by this thing over there that I almost didn’t notice AR’s grammatical faux pas.

          I know very little about biology and even less about the methods and processes involved in microscopy that isn’t covered on House, other than looking at my own blood and a variety of household flotsam on a glass slide in a microscope my dad bought me when I was a kid. Nevertheless I find the sciences fascinating, even if I really don’t quite understand what’s being described.

          Now, astronomy and cosmology is something I know a little bit more about and something I find endlessly fascinating.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 December 2
          Addicted Reader permalink

          What I was doing today (in case anybody still cares):

          I put yeast cells on a special type of slide.
          I used a digital camera to take pictures of the cells through the microscope. So the tiny cells come out about fingertip size on the computer screen.
          I changed the medium the cells were growing in to see if the fluorescence would change. (It did. Now I just have to figure out if the two different samples changed in the same way or not.)

          Thank the Llamanun that I have you guys to keep me entertained, since the microscope needs to have the focus adjusted every 10-15 minutes for 3 hours. I can’t go do anything else, so I sit there and read YSaC between adjustments.

          Adores: 6
  15. 2010 December 2
    NotMyName permalink

    Anyone have any clue what they might have meant? Cap’n? Mindfield? Anyone?

    Adores: 2
    • 2010 December 2
      Mindfield permalink

      Sparky 1: Hey, I found your gay tapes, bro. I wore some of them out Some are kinda messed up or missing. E-Mail me with your personal deets so I can stalk you confirm they’re really yours and you can <stroke>come back to my place, bouncy bouncy!</stroke> have them back.

      (I did accidentally type stroke instead of strike, but it, um, felt appropriate, so I left it and made it a fake tag.)

      Sparky 2: Hey, I found your birth fetish tape. How ’bout you tell me a little bit about yourself it and prove it’s yours and then you can come give me more mental imagery for quiet shirt time get it back.

      Adores: 5
    • 2010 December 2
      Tankerbell permalink

      I am getting a vibe like that tape Kevin Kline listened to in “In and Out”, something about how to be a macho man. Except this tape series is about how to be gay.

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 December 2
        sarajean80 permalink

        If you listened to both of them, would it make you a bisexual?

        Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 2
          Tankerbell permalink

          And if you were female, and listened to both of them (assuming the CL ones are geared toward men), what would that make you?

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 December 2
          sarajean80 permalink

          A very butch woman who cruises gay bars looking (unsuccessfully) for men, possibly while dressed as a lumberjack and discussing window treatments?

          Adores: 10
        • 2010 December 2

          Oh crap, I think you just summed up my twenties, SJ.

          Adores: 7
    • 2010 December 2
      CapnMac permalink

      Well, I’m frightened that the ibm card machine in my brain rattled out the possibility that Sparky One means VHS (cassette) tapes. Meaning that the content would be un-mistakable.

      If that is the case, then the next possibility is that these rea home-made tapes, and thus, someone locally recognizable is seen.

      Now, for Sparky Two, he clearly had to buy all five tapes for $5, even though all he wanted was the copy of the last episode of A-Team tape. Bored, he stuck the other tapes in, and, lo and behold, there’s Kim delivering up a child.

      How does he know it’s Kim?
      Voice of the cameraman telling Kim:

      Move to the left; no, the other left; hey outta my light; Kim. please, stop the blood-curdling screams, it’s redlining the audio; Kim, please, let’s not use that kind of language in front of the medical staff (I mean, really!); now Kim, you said you wanted more children; Hey, My Light!; oh, that’s gross–you couldn’t have done that before?; Kim, I’ve mentioned your language; now Kim, both of my parents have been married, let’s not give the help any false impressions . . .

      Adores: 7
    • 2010 December 2
      Grampdaddy permalink

      And if you were female, and listened to both of them (assuming the CL ones are geared toward men), what would that make you?

      Nauseous….

      Adores: 9
  16. 2010 December 2
    Mandy permalink

    I wonder… what’s wrong with people who film themselves giving birth? I never understood the point of it… Ok, it’s a unique moment, bla bla bla, but c’mon, do you REALLY think you’ll fell like watching it AGAIN???

    I mean: “Oh, mmmm… there’s no Dr. House on TV tonight… Hey, but we could watch Kim’s birth instead! Bring the popcorn!”

    Geeezz! Gimme a break! That’s disturbing! For me, the only reason that would make me feel like filming my child’s birth was to remind myself how freakin’ PAINFUL that is and that I should never do it again!
    lol

    Adores: 11
    • 2010 December 2
      sarajean80 permalink

      I had a coirker once who ninja-ed everyone in the office with a book of baby-birthing photos. It was a scrapbook she had made herself, with themed pages and glitter, and the highlights were the little darling’s emergence into the world. So very, very wrong.

      Adores: 6
      • 2010 December 2

        Giving birth is brutal, painful beyond belief, violent, smelly and generally nasty…none of those things is on my bucket list to re-visit…not my kids’ births, which are only remembered in the memories of those in attendance…or any other births.

        Those who say it’s “beautiful” and “natural” and all that nonsense are simply still riding the pain meds high.

        Adores: 13
        • 2010 December 2
          Mandy permalink

          “Giving birth is brutal, painful beyond belief, violent, smelly and generally nasty”

          Thanks, CJ. I’ll print this and put this on my agenda, so I’ll never, ever forget to take my birth control pill lol

          Adores: 7
        • 2010 December 2
          Artsy Computer Geek permalink

          CJ – so, so true……

          Although there are some days I wouldn’t mind letting the appropriate child watch it so that I could say “I went through this for you?????” (It wouldn’t do any good anyway.)

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 December 2
          Addicted Reader permalink

          Artsy, I have a friend who browbeats her son into doing stuff for her by reminding him that she spent over 30 hours in labor with him. Same idea, I think.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 2

          My plan is “I got sliced across my abdomen because YOU wouldn’t come into the world the normal way!”

          Adores: 8
        • 2010 December 2
          Meej permalink

          AR and EB – My poor wife went through over 50 hours (not all truly “active”, but actual labor) followed by a C-section because our little treasure was juuust off-angle enough to be stuck.

          On the plus side, if she ever needs to lay down the guilt, she’s all set!

          Adores: 7
        • 2010 December 2
          sarajean80 permalink

          EB – You can even point to the scar and say, “You did this!”

          Most moms can’t do that. ‘Cause, you know, the trauma.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 December 2

          Actually, I don’t even know where my scar is…. I’ve looked for it a few times, but it either faded into nothing (why won’t the scar on my hand do that?) or it got swallowed up by the landscape of empty stretch marks. (Hmmm… oversharing? Nah, I’m not posting pictures :-p )

          Also, there would no-way-no-how have been video if Mini was born “traditionally.” Surgery is cool, though.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 2
          sarajean80 permalink

          You could draw one on with a Sharpie.

          Maybe with little zipper teeth.

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 December 2
          Addicted Reader permalink

          You should get a scar tattoo just so you can use it to make him behave.

          Or draw on yourself with a marker each time you need to use it.

          Edit: Jinx, sj.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 December 2

          HAhaha, a zipper would be hilarious…. On one hand, I can see that being a really funny tattoo for anyone who had more than two or three c sections (“Just install a zipper for the next one!”), but on the other hand, if she gets pregnant again….

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 2
          Addicted Reader permalink

          Yeah, maybe avoid any permanent ink on your abdomen until you’re done having babies…

          Adores: 5
      • 2010 December 2
        Mandy permalink

        Yeah, this is wrong in so many levels… Personally, I hate when people come to show me their photos of babies, marriages and joy… I hate other people’s joy… Maybe I’m bitter… LOL Gosh I need some therapy!

        Adores: 4
        • 2010 December 2

          Mandy – honey, don’t get me wrong…having babies means that way down the road you get to have….grandbabies….sweet, sweet revenge…erm, I mean sweetness. Pure sweetness.

          I just wish I’d had my grandbabies first. LOL

          Adores: 8
        • 2010 December 2
          CapnMac permalink

          Or, an adult beverage or elbenty–don;t worry we can find some one of almost any age here to say “there, there” and remind you to top the glass off . . .

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 December 2
          CapnMac permalink

          One of my dad’s favorite t-shirts is the one I got him that reads “If I’d known grandkids were this much fun, I’d had them first”

          Adores: 3
      • 2010 December 2

        Oh. My. Lanta. That scrapbook is frightening…

        I will admit, I have HD video of my c section. BUT, I don’t force it on anyone (Except my teenage SIL, because MrEB thought it would be funny to see her squirm :-p) and I let Mr video it because I wanted to see it later (big curtain between my head and belly)…

        Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 2
          sarajean80 permalink

          This particular coirker had some sort of obsessive scrapbooking disorder. She had a book for the pregnancy (including such gems as “First Stretch Mark!” and “My Innie Becomes an Outie!”) as well as the birthing book. She probably had one for the conception as well.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 December 2
          Tankerbell permalink

          Yeah, that’s my concern, too. I can sort of see filming the birth if you’re the mom or dad, but showing it to anyone, ever, just seems like such an invasion of privacy. THEIRS. (If Mom is the one peddling the video to innocent viewers, I’m guessing privacy is not an issue with her on this.) Even the kid is never going to want to see it if it shows Mom’s ladybits. EEEEEWWWWW!

          CJ, I am going to have grandbabies first – I did it the sensible way and made someone else give birth to and raise my son, and then give him to me as an almost-grown 17-year-old. I’m not claiming this was my life plan, but it’s actually workin’ for me. (I do, however, tell him that when he is allowed to reproduce I’ll let him know.) Once Mr. Tank and I were watching a c-section on TV (I love me some Discovery Health Channel) and the Tanklet came in. He was all “EEEEWWWW” and I yelled at him. I was like, “yeah, that’s what your mom went through to bring you into this world, so next time you see her, you remember that, buddy!”

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 December 2
          Windrose permalink

          Back in the late ’40s, no one would have thought of filming child birth except for a documentary. But my mom always told my brother the story of how she nearly died giving birth to him. The fact that she was overweight, didn’t exercise much, and probably had gestational diabetes never seemed to enter into the tale. I always felt bad for him, but he was devoted to our mother all her life.

          I did the same, let someone else raise my two and then when the time was right, snatched them away from her drug-addled, alcohol-fuzzed, homeless self. 8) Good times, good times.

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 December 2

          Windrose and Tankerbell: Jokes aside, I think that is an amazing thing that you’ve done. Most people looking to adopt are wanting little beebees… Which is great, until it leaves a bunch of older in foster care, where they may-or-may-not have decent parental figures. I’m sure adopting older kids can be really trying, but they need someone like you guys :-)

          </warm fuzzlies> <let the snarkage resume!>

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 December 2
          Tankerbell permalink

          EB you’re so sweet but I deserve no such accolades- the Tanklet was my gift with purchase when I married my hubby. Altho it is true that I married him, in part, because I really like the Tanklet.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 December 2

          Tank, then you are awesome for accepting a gift-with-purchase :-)

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 December 2

          I agree with EB, you’re both awesome for fighting the wicked stepmother stereotype.
          We’re looking into adoption and will very likely end up getting an older child because I won’t go looking in third world countries when there are children here that need loving homes. I consider it a plus if I can avoid the diaper phase. Now if there was only a way to trade them in once they become teenagers … ;)

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 December 2
          Addicted Reader permalink

          My best friend and I have an agreement: I’ll take her kids while they’re in diapers, then give them back potty trained. She’ll take my kids when they’re teenagers and give them back as bearable adults.

          My husband’s not so keen on passing off our kids, but what he thinks doesn’t really matter, right?

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 December 2
          NotMyName permalink

          So long as you don’t want anniversary, Christmas, or birthday gifts, then no, it doesn’t really matter.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 2
          Addicted Reader permalink

          Nope, don’t want Christmas gifts.

          He is good at picking out Hanukah gifts, though…

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 December 2
          NotMyName permalink

          Oh, sorry. Didn’t mean to offend.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 2
          Addicted Reader permalink

          No offense taken, but (intentionally) taking things out of context is an art form around here.

          Right Hammy?

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 December 2

          Butt taking contest?

          Huh?

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 December 3
          CapnMac permalink

          Now if there was only a way to trade them in once they become teenagers

          Three words: Military Boarding School <in half-jest>

          Adores: 0
  17. 2010 December 2
    Mandy permalink

    CJ- Hmm… Now that you said it… lol

    I mean, I love babies (yeah, when they’re babies – Babies don’t walk , don’t speak – oh but they cry… damn! -, don’t break everything that you have … yet…); but everytime a friend comes over and starts telling me about her experience, how freakin painful it is, how awful, the contractions, the blood, the smell and all the stuff that comes along with it, and this SAME FRIEND is expecting another baby I just… I just…I just don’t understand LOL…

    I don’t have children yet, but I know one thing for sure: I WON’T FILM IT! lol

    Adores: 3
  18. 2010 December 2

    So this showed up a few articles after YSaC in my Google feed: http://www.overheardatthebeach.com/archives/001728.html

    Adores: 2
    • 2010 December 2

      (The title is what I thought made it particularly appropriate :-p )

      Adores: 1
  19. 2010 December 2
    Windrose permalink

    Ronduh is in the box! All you lurkers, please unlurk permenantly after you comment, so that I know when I punch you, you’ll really feel it! 8)

    Adores: 3
  20. 2010 December 2

    My fortune cookie today:

    Stop searching forever. Happiness is just next to you.

    The first thing my eyes find sitting next to me: My mug of coffee.

    Yeeeeaaaaahhhh…

    Adores: 12
    • 2010 December 2
      NotMyName permalink

      Yes, of course it couldn’t be talking about your wife.

      I’m assuming you’re married.

      Adores: 3
      • 2010 December 2

        That’s pretty gutsy for a fortune cookie to assume that whoever opened it would be sitting next to their spouse.

        Man, how awkward would it have been if I’d opened it while the girl serving the Chinese food had walked up and asked me if I was enjoying my food. Stupid cookie and it’s attempts to cause fraternization!

        Adores: 4
        • 2010 December 2

          Sigh, damn you Ajax from timing out. I just notice’d my misteak!

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 December 2

          Taco, I’m with you on that. I hate it when I try to buy a teak dinning table, and then it turns out to be an impostor material!

          Adores: 1
      • 2010 December 2
        Lola permalink

        I believe she’s called TacoMa’am … or possibly Mother of Tron.

        Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 2

          *Scribbles on his note pad*

          I’m totally going to use “Mother of Tron”… or maybe TronMom!

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 December 2
          Lola permalink

          Taco, right now there’s an ad for the new Tron movie on a bus shelter right by where I work and I think of you … and the Tronlet … every time I go by. Thus does YSaC now infiltrate all parts of my life …

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 December 2
          NotMyName permalink

          I’m totally going to use “Mother of Tron”… or maybe TronMom

          Trom.

          Adores: 3
    • 2010 December 3
      Mandy permalink

      “My fortune cookie today:

      Stop searching forever. Happiness is just next to you.”

      Oh, the first thing sitting next to me was a Johnny Depp poster… Fortune cookies suck!

      Adores: 1
  21. 2010 December 2
    SpaceBug permalink

    The video could be worse, it could’ve been a training video titled How to Properly Collect, Package and Prepare Your Product by the anal hair reseller guy.

    On a side note, I can now make Lurch’s Hurrgghrrgghrrggh sound.

    Adores: 4
  22. 2010 December 2
    Mindfield permalink

    [OT]

    This is driving me crazy. My wife likes watching Judge Judy on some US station (KIRO 7 in Seattle, I think), which is going on in the background while I browse and work, and something like twice per commercial break there’s this commercial for some tax lawyer pitching her service for people who owe the IRS more than $4K. The first words out of her mouth are, “Hi, I’m Ronnie Deutsch.” Normally I wouldn’t give a crap and ignore it like everything else, but she places heavy emphasis on her last name, and the D in particular, which makes it sound like she’s trying to covertly use it as an epithet. Ronnie Deutsch. Every time it comes on I hear “Deutsch” like she’s calling me an idiot. “Hey, deutsch. Get yourself in trouble with the tax man, deutsch? Sucks to be you, deutsch, but maybe if you pay me a lot of money I’ll bail your broke ass out, stupid deutsch.

    As an aside, I’ve now typed deustch so often in this post that I’ve achieved semantic saturation and now it looks wrong. I didn’t even know that worked in writing.

    [/OT]

    Adores: 4
    • 2010 December 2

      My wife likes watching Judge Judy

      Your wife?

      Uh huh…

      Adores: 2
    • 2010 December 2

      I feel you pain. My husband is addicted to judge shows and in addition to Ronnie Douche (I had no idea she was franchised), we have two Texas ambulance chasers whose commercials would play at volumes ten times higher than the other commercials, which are already ten times higher than the show. Luckily, now that we don’t have a tv he can only watch them on youtube, which he mercifully does on his iphone with earbuds.

      Adores: 1
    • 2010 December 3
      Lola permalink

      I used to see that lady’s ads when I lived upstate. I thought she was local. Interesting.

      Adores: 0
  23. 2010 December 2
    LurkRealClose permalink

    Hello YASC! I wanted to thank you all for the loverly birthday wishes (and Manda for the new poncho), but I am still getting horrid, horrid errors when I try to post to the site. I hope the snarkers see this. Miss you!

    Adores: 3
    • 2010 December 2
      Addicted Reader permalink

      I see it! Have you confessed all your errors to the Llamanun? Only when you have told her of your errors can there be respite.

      Adores: 3
    • 2010 December 2

      [mom]HI MOOSE! I’M TYPING IN CAPS SO THAT YOU CAN HEAR ME THROUGH THE ERRORS! WE MISS YOU TOO![/mom]

      Adores: 4
  24. 2010 December 3
    Windrose permalink

    ronduh, take a drink every time I Punchity Punch Punch someone!

    G’Night, San Francisco!

    Adores: 1
  25. 2010 December 3
    Bombdude permalink

    :Rushes into the Snark Lounge:

    Hey everybody! How’s it going?

    crickets…

    Damn, missed ‘em again… gotta try to get up earlier tomorrow…

    Adores: 4
    • 2010 December 3
      Mandy permalink

      Or come to France like me… It’ll be late enough for you and early enough for YSaC ! teehee

      Adores: 2

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