YSaC, Vol. 891: Sheak your booty.

2010 December 29

Luxory pet day care


Need ur pet tooken care of and making sure u know ur pet loves u leaving them in luxgeriouse style and care with ur pet being pampered every minute of every day with ur staff personaly pampering and takeing care of their needs our luxory day care includes snack time in the morning with the choise of 3 brand name snacks and then a run in the park and around our yard and running facilaties and our trails to keep them in shape and looking good and then they come inside the luxory day care and have play time with over 100 toys and 12 event for ur presiouse pets in luxory style or play with the other pets then it snack time with 22 meals of their choise with a drink of distiled filtered water only the purest for our finest pets with a snack on the side every thing from ur pets schedualed and personallized day is of coures personallized to ur pet specificly and urs and theyre needs and then they are washed and groomed personallized to ur pet then they will be ready for u to pick up on certain days there will be events that ur pet can be apart of with the vip treatment that only the sheakest of sheak pets get only the best pets can get what the other pets cant ask about the vip treatment and remember that only the rich and the famous pets attend our luxory day care call to book dates if any are avalible or to reserve seats if any are avalible leave a message with ur name number ur pet about ur pet and if u want to book dates or permanit seats

Your mission: Read this out loud, as quickly as possible, and see how far as you can make it through in just one breath — and let us know in the comments how far you get through it! No cheating!

Thanks, Laurel! You’re the sheakest of the sheak!

271 Responses leave one →
  1. 2010 December 29
    CoffDrop permalink

    Only got to tooken. This must be a part of the Las Vegas Luxor hotel complex – very sheak….

    Adores: 5
    • 2010 December 29
      LimeLolly permalink

      I got to – ‘ our luxory day care includes’

      I feel really bad for this Sparky. They obviously were robbed of all their valuables: punctuation, capitalization, vocabulary, dictionary.

      Adores: 11
      • 2010 December 29

        Brain.

        Don’t let zombies happen to you.

        Adores: 12
        • 2010 December 29
          Lara permalink

          Sparky does seem to have had a lobe or two gnawed. Good call Taco

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 29
          Mindfield permalink

          Zombie: Braaains!
          Sparky: AAHHH!
          Zombie: Braaaaaaains!
          Sparky: AAAHHHHHH!
          Zombie: OM NOM NOM.
          Sparky: …
          Zombie: Om…nom?
          Sparky: …
          Zombie: *ptooie!*
          Sparky: *raises eyebrow*
          Zombie: BAD BRAAAAINS.
          Sparky: Ain’ nothin’ wrong with mah brains!
          Zombie: BRAAAAINS BAAAD! STAAALE!
          Sparky: Look, we can’t all be freakin’ Bernsteins, okay?
          Zombie: Hrrrruh. Smell.
          Sparky: Can I have that chunk of skull back?
          Zombie: SMELL COOOOORS. Air out.
          Sparky: Fine then! Go on, leave, I’ve got duct tape! Got dang picky undead.

          Adores: 39
        • 2010 December 29
          NotMyName permalink

          Everyone Door this!

          EDIT: And by “this” I mean Mindfield’s zombie conversation, not my comment.

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 December 29

          Aww, and I thought you were being meta.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 29

          Dyslexic zombies wonder around town asking for Brian.

          What?

          Adores: 11
        • 2010 December 29

          Vegetarian zombies wander in search of grains.

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 December 29
          Limelolly permalink

          I wander where you are sneaking the caffeine from TM?

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 December 29

          Caffeine actually levels me out. Now you’re seeing full blown no-caffeine barrier Taco. Either that or my system has caches of caffeine it has stored away for just this kind of emergency.

          Adores: 2
      • 2010 December 29
        lilly permalink

        The lack of punctuation made it difficult to read aloud, as it is basically one giant run-on sentence. I can’t believe that sparky was not able to insert a single comma, period or apostrophe, even a badly placed one would have set my mind at ease.

        That being said my favourite new word is “presiouse”

        Adores: 5
        • 2010 December 29
          Moira permalink

          I liked “luxgeriouse”. In my mind, it translated to “luxurious louse”.

          Amphetamines, anyone?
          Whoever stole Sparky’s punctuation and capitals still left them an ample supply of the words “and” and “with”. Thank goodness. Can you imagine trying to read this if every “and” and “with” had also been stolen?

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 December 29

          *shudder*

          Though, if you were wondering….

          Need ur pet tooken care of making sure u know ur pet loves u leaving them in luxgeriouse style care ur pet being pampered every minute of every day ur staff personaly pampering takeing care of their needs our luxory day care includes snack time in the morning the choise of 3 brand name snacks then a run in the park around our yard running facilaties our trails to keep them in shape looking good then they come inside the luxory day care have play time over 100 toys 12 event for ur presiouse pets in luxory style or play the other pets then it snack time 22 meals of their choise a drink of distiled filtered water only the purest for our finest pets a snack on the side every thing from ur pets schedualed personallized day is of coures personallized to ur pet specificly urs theyre needs then they are washed groomed personallized to ur pet then they will be ready for u to pick up on certain days there will be events that ur pet can be apart of the vip treatment that only the sheakest of sheak pets get only the best pets can get what the other pets cant ask about the vip treatment remember that only the rich the famous pets attend our luxory day care call to book dates if any are avalible or to reserve seats if any are avalible leave a message ur name number ur pet about ur pet if u want to book dates or permanit seats

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 December 29

          Welp, I won’t be needing this brain anymore. It’s totally spoiled now.

          *Lobs his brain into the trash*

          Adores: 7
        • 2010 December 29

          I got…

          Need ur pet tooken care of and making sure u know ur pet loves u leaving them in luxgeriouse style and care with ur pet being pampered every minute of every day with ur staff personaly pampering and takeing care of their needs our luxory day care includes snack time in the morning with the choise of 3 brand name snacks and then a run in the park and around our yard and running facilaties and our trails to keep them in shape and looking good

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 December 29

          I’m specifically avoiding reading what I have unleashed for that very reason :-p

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 29

          I actually like Mrs. EB’s version better.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 29
          Addicted Reader permalink

          I’m not sure I want to focus on it closely enough to tell the difference.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 December 29

          Wow. I actually read through mine, and parts of it make more sense than the original.

          I like this part best:

          or play the other pets

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 29

          *Flies into a 4 minute long bichon frise solo*

          Adores: 13
        • 2010 December 29
          Mindfield permalink

          *Backs Taco up with a bass conure*

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 December 29
          Windrose permalink

          *rescues Mindfield from the bad ass conure, substitutes canary piccolo*

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 December 29
          Limelolly permalink

          *provides harmony with B-I-N-G-O*

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 December 29
          CapnMac permalink

          My favorite construct from this must be “ur pet” which would be the earliest, original pet.
          Wonder how Sparq’would handle paleolithic pets?

          Still wondering what happens if I drop my Three-toed sloth Basil off for up-luxgeriouse care. Pretty sure Spark is not going to have ur-treats for Basil; neither is Bas’ going to be super-happy about a “run around the park” (and aboreal claws about 3″ long will “leave a mark”).

          Why is this suggesting that I could use yesterday’s Flinmobile to take Bas’ over for some ur-humor?

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 29
          Lara permalink

          Ur pet is two dang large an’ cranky, Capn

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 29
          CapnMac permalink

          True. However, Basil (the 3-toed sloth) has yet to eat any other pets. Or need a run in the park. Or demonstrated much movement at all. Really, the infrared thermometer and a veterinary stethoscope are required to see if Bas’ has not scampered off and left a stuffed duplicate.

          Adores: 1
    • 2010 December 29
      NotMyName permalink

      I got to Lux.

      At the top.

      Adores: 1
      • 2010 December 29
        Mindfield permalink

        Which, coincidentally, is a measure of brightness, which would make Sparky up there about 1/2 lux. (They figured out how to use the computer well enough to post to Craigslist at least, so a few neurons still have reasonably good aim, anyway.)

        Adores: 5
        • 2010 December 29
          Windrose permalink

          Any votes for the dictation computer failing to put in the punctuation? Or spell correctly? No, I didn’t think so. Carry on, then.

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 December 29
          Mindfield permalink

          No, I donut think this is the fault of a peach recognition system period. They have no problem with the actuary spelling of words because by resign they have a dictionary to check herds against. The problem with speech recognizance is getting the futzing thing to under Stan the birds you’re spaying period new paragraph.

          Like this post, for exam pull.

          Adores: 11
        • 2010 December 29
          CapnMac permalink

          Egads comma wunner how it hand els giving pro per dictate shun instruct shuns quest shun mark Ah comma now eye sea full stop

          Adores: 1
    • 2010 December 29

      Got to “running facilities and our trails”

      *checks mirror* Are my eyes bleeding yet?

      Adores: 4
      • 2010 December 29

        I almost stopped at “trails” but I still had a tiny bit of air left so I squeezed in a few more words.

        Adores: 4
        • 2010 December 29

          My second run through (Why did I do it again?? I must have been compulsed by the directions from the Llamanun, BBUH.) I made it to “22 meals”… and then gasped quietly a few times, because my lungs still haven’t recovered from my Cold of Doom.

          Adores: 3
    • 2010 December 29
      sarajean80 permalink

      I got as far as the first pampered before I started seeing stars. I blame my former smoking habits for my lack of stamina.

      Adores: 4
  2. 2010 December 29

    This person needs to get out of pet care and into child care. The kids could teach him/her/it a thing or twelve.

    As for the Sheak pets, this person writes like the Iron Sheik talks, minus the frequent swearing and antisemitic remarks.

    Adores: 8
    • 2010 December 29
      Lara permalink

      Either the children would eat Sparky alive or Sparky would eat the children alive.

      Adores: 6
    • 2010 December 29
      meredith permalink

      And now I’m hearing the Iron Sheik’s rant in my head. I’d post it here, but it is rather tasteless, even for YSaC.

      Adores: 4
  3. 2010 December 29

    I got all the way to “with a snack on the side” on my second attempt. I suck at reading craigslist ads.

    Adores: 2
  4. 2010 December 29
    christina permalink

    I got to the word pampering. Do I win a prize for landing on a correctly spelled word?

    Adores: 11
    • 2010 December 29
      Limelolly permalink

      That word was supposed to be ‘papering’.

      Adores: 8
  5. 2010 December 29
    Mindfield permalink

    I’m BAAAaaack! Took some time off to experiment with some new musical gear and just kind of chill before I had to go back to work today and tomorrow. Another 4 day weekend coming up though. I love this time of year!

    I don’t know why but I can’t read this without a strong southern accent, used car commercial style.

    “Hey, y’all! Need yer pets tooken care of? Why now bring the little dowgies on down t’ Billy Bob’s Sheak Shack where we’ll look after yo’ little darlin’s like they was in the lap o’ loxory! Er, lugjury. Luggery? Well anyway, they’s gittin’ some serious luxgeriouse … lugjerrius … luggarius … luggage … uh, real high falutin’ pet care up in these here facilitatin’s. We got ‘em snacks lahk them there Milk Bones an’ Beggin’ Strips an’ leftover chikin’ carcasses for them to gnaw on to their little heart’s content! We got toys, lotsa toys, a whole mess o’ toys, gotta be over a hunnert up here, we got ‘em squeeze toys, noisy squeaky toys, chewin’ toys, ol’ leather shoes, used table legs, peanut-buttered privates, large ball thangs with smaller bell thangs inside — you name it, we probly got it up here at Bob’s Sheak Shack.

    Meals? No problem, don’t you worry your pretty little head about it, we got 22 differn’t meals they kin choose from, Alpo, Friskies, Kibbles ‘n Bits with extra bits weren’t never s’posed t’be there, old T-bones, rawhide sticks, fuzzy slippers, newspapers, day-old bagels, we got tons o’ food here so your pet won’t never go hungry. And if it chucks its cookies, well, that’s just a second helpin’!

    We’ll even wash ‘n wax yer little darlin’, no extra charge! He or she will be the sheakest of the sheak, believe you me, your walkin’ hairball will be turnin’ heads and breakin’ hearts, and with our over 90% survival rate, you can be pretty dang sure yo’ surrogate child will be comin’ home all clean ‘n fed ‘n watered ‘n probably a bit slippery, so brung yo’ precious little darlin’s down to Billy Bob’s Sheak Shack for the time o’ their lives and rest easy knowin’ you kin be reasonably sure of gettin’ ‘em back, maybe even better ‘n you found ‘em! That’s Billy Bob’s Sheak Shack, just offa Old Dump Road just past Farmer Jim’s ol’ stuffed cow and right at the condemned house in Hoboken, GA. We accept cash, cheque, Visa, Mastercard, American Express, Diner’s Club, and Pabst Blue Ribbon!”

    Adores: 34
    • 2010 December 29

      I got as far as “90% survival rate” before I lost it.

      Adores: 4
      • 2010 December 29
        Lara permalink

        I am inspired by the stuffed cow. I need to start giving directions by citing stuffed animals.

        Adores: 9
        • 2010 December 29
          sarajean80 permalink

          I’ve been given directions that required me to count hay bales, included broken farm equipment, and one memorable time featured the phrase “go ’til you get ta that tree what got struck by the lightnin’, but not the nother one”, but never a stuffed animal.

          Adores: 13
      • 2010 December 29

        Must be nice to have such a stiff upper lip. “peanut buttered privates” did me in.

        Adores: 7
        • 2010 December 29
          Lola permalink

          Peanut buttered privates did you in? Wow, we’re learning all sorts of things now that Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell is repealed. What rank did the person have to be before you busted out the Nutella for them?

          Adores: 11
        • 2010 December 29
          christina permalink

          I’m totally going to see Peanut Butter Privates and Busted Nutella at the 40 Watt on Friday.

          Adores: 14
        • 2010 December 29

          “The list is long but distinguished”.
          I actually thought throughout my career that hard work, attention to detail and actually knowing how to do my job were important, not the old saw “Who you knew and blew”, which is probably why I’m writing this now, and not running a BAS in Afghanistan.

          “busted” and “Nut” in the same sentence? Really, Miss Lola.

          Thank you, christina.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 29
          Lola permalink

          *attempts to look innocent*
          *fails*

          Adores: 9
  6. 2010 December 29

    I got as far as “Raymond Luxory Yacht.”

    What?

    Adores: 8
    • 2010 December 29
      Lara permalink

      It’s pronounced Throat Warbler Mangrove

      Adores: 6
      • 2010 December 29

        You’re a very silly person and I’m not going to interview you. Now go away. That’s not even a real nose, it’s polystyrene.

        Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 29
          Lara permalink

          Ah! Antisemitism!

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 29
          mudslicker permalink

          Mel Gibson on line #2 for Lara and Taco.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 29
          CapnMac permalink

          As long as it’s not Graham Chapman . . .

          or that he wishes to exercise ur-copyright . . .

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 December 29

          He can take it up with the Ur-quan.

          Adores: 3
  7. 2010 December 29
    Lara permalink

    My brain shut down at the first “ur”

    Adores: 6
    • 2010 December 29
      CoffDrop permalink

      Give Sparky points for correct usage of apostrophe (or should I say not using an apostrophe) in “ur”…….

      Adores: 3
      • 2010 December 29

        That just might have been incidental, since sparkcase doesn’t use apostrophes anyway.

        Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 29
          CoffDrop permalink

          Guess u’r right TM……..

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 December 29

          Coffy, I’ve tried to read that multiple times… and each time I hit the apostrophe my brain tries to eat itself. There is no creation more heaino… (Checks dictionary) heinous than u’r-

          *Thump*

          *Twitch Twitch*

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 December 29

          I’ve seen people who seem to have the intent to use ur when they mean your and u’r when they mean you’re…but they get it backwards.

          Adores: 4
      • 2010 December 29
        CapnMac permalink

        Well, my brain was substituting “your” for “ur” until about halfway through when the meaning shifted–seemlessly from “collective reader’s possessive” to “Spark’s collective [putative staff] possessive.”

        At which point I sputtered (again) to a stop. As I now suspect “ur” is supposed to be read as individual letters, as in “U” {ewe} “R” {aura} (which conflicts with most of four decades’ habit/practice using phonetics; and “Uniform” “Romeo” will not ‘scan’ in sparkese at all).

        All of which makes me <sad> as I was liking urpet and urluxory and the like . . .

        Adores: 2
        • 2010 December 29

          urpet

          I think that’s the sound my dad makes when he eructates.

          Adores: 5
  8. 2010 December 29
    penguin permalink

    Didn’t even attempt.

    Seems Six LeMeure has grown up and opened a doggy day care. Better than her cohort who is now attempting to form a relationship with Sheldon despite it being a hoot-less attraction.

    Obscure? Who me?

    Adores: 5
    • 2010 December 29
      Moira permalink

      The only “Six” I know of was a character in Blossom. I saw maybe two episodes so I understand none of the rest of the reference.

      Adores: 3
      • 2010 December 29
        penguin permalink

        Good guess. Mayim Bialik, who played Blossom, now has a recurring character on The Big Bang Theory.

        Adores: 4
        • 2010 December 29
          Lola permalink

          I never really watched that show, but am a bit of a casual fan of Mayim Bialik’s post-Blossom career – she apparently has a doctorate in neuroscience. I kind of have to like teen actresses who take the road less traveled into adulthood (the one where they aren’t photographed emerging from vehicles sans panties and/or going in and out of rehab).

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 December 29
          Addicted Reader permalink

          I read somewhere that she’s gotten her shows’ costume crews to make sure all her outfits meet her standard of modesty.

          Adores: 2
  9. 2010 December 29
    Lola permalink

    I got as far as “choise of 3 brand name snacks” and my brain threatened to go on strike. I’m willing to cut people some slack if there are ESL aspects (particularly as regards speeling) and they are clearly trying (I have friends who fall into this category, and they help me with Spanish, so I can cast no stones in that regard), but I know of no language from a country so poor they can’t afford capitalization and punctuation. They have no excuse.

    Adores: 9
    • 2010 December 29
      Mindfield permalink

      I had to take it in small chunks when writing my sales pitch. I couldn’t read the whole thing at once or I’m certain my brain would have reached down and strangled me from the inside. So I’d write, go back out and read just enough to get the gits of the concept Sparky was trying to get across, and rephrase it as the sales pitch. Lather, rinse, repeat.

      Even being as careful as I was, I still have the urge to take a claw hammer to my cerebellum.

      Adores: 3
      • 2010 December 29

        “Get the Gits”? Is that a new gameshow, MF?

        Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 29
          Mindfield permalink

          Er, wow. Tacoitis today. “Gist.”

          Although “Get the Gits” sounds like it would make a hilarious Britcom.

          Adores: 8
        • 2010 December 29

          Yay! I finally have a medical condition named after me!

          Wait…

          Adores: 11
    • 2010 December 29
      Addicted Reader permalink

      There are languages without capitalization, such as Hebrew. But that makes proper punctuation all the more important.

      Or maybe the only book that Sparky’s read is the Torah. No punctuation there.

      Adores: 3
      • 2010 December 29

        Naw, couldn’t be. Sparky has vowels.

        Adores: 4
      • 2010 December 29

        I don’t remember the part of the Torah where they got Tooken to the Luxory Pet Day Care. Was that one of the sections in the back?

        Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 29
          Addicted Reader permalink

          You have to be 40 years old to learn it.

          I’m told.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 December 29
          Lola permalink

          I thought Luxory pet day care would have been mentioned during the Moses-in-Egypt story, probably as something available for pharaonic pets, but don’t remember that part. Of course, crossing a parted sea and wandering for 40 years might dull one’s memory.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 December 29

          Found it:

          Sparky 4.17: And thus our luxory and presiouse pets were tooken from our houses to please God.
          And the chiwahwah bearing his likeness did spake: “Take these pets, who are wholy in my imange and have my blesing, and tooken them unto the most luxgeriouse style pet daycare that you can find so that they may partaik of facilaties and trails, of toys and all 12 of the bless ed event. And may they be fed 22 times a day, lest they remain unexploded.”
          And seeing the truth and gudnes of his words, we did taked them to the moest luxgeriouse pet day care in town. God did grin, and we we’re bless ed by the chiwoawoa holding his bladder for the entier car ride home

          Ah men.

          NOTE: I tried to do that without punctuation or capitals but it just hurt too much.

          Adores: 12
        • 2010 December 29
          Moira permalink

          I’d like this much, much more if I didn’t feel like we were developing the YSaC version of lolcat-speak right before my eyes.

          After a week with no snark and much kvetching from the mother-in-law, please forgive me for being the speedbump on the high-speed snarkway today.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 29

          I was feeling that a little too. I was bolstered by the assumtion that such mispellings will only last for the day and tomorrow be replaced with fresh, topical snark.

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 December 29
          Mindfield permalink

          Take these pets, who are wholy in my imange

          I knew it! I knew it! I just knew.

          God is a dog. Why else would one spell the other backwards? Okay, apparently God is a dog with mange — actually, iMange, which is apparently some kind of mange specific to Steve Jobs’ dog, but still.

          Joy to the world, the lord is mutt!

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 December 29

          Topical snark

          WARNING:
          For external use only, do not ingest, if accidentally ingested do NOT induce vomiting proceed to the emergency bar immediately!

          Adores: 13
        • 2010 December 29

          I thought our resident dog enthusiasts would enjoy that passage.

          In celebration of the Muttification of God, I have changed the ears on my helmet from orange cat ears to orange Pomeranian ears. Enjoy

          EDIT: I’m very lucky I had just swallowed my tea before reading Hammy’s comment.

          Adores: 7
        • 2010 December 29

          Something that’s always bugged me, Taco: Does your sprite have a mustache?

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 December 29

          Nope. It’s supposed to be a gap in the red mask. I tried dumping red in that area, but it didn’t look right so the peachy-brown color stayed.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 December 29
          NotMyName permalink

          But what is it supposed to be? I always think red Megaman with a hat one.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 December 29

          It’s a custom resprite of GyroMan from Mega Man 5 with a blue Met hat. He’s called Steve and is the counterpoint to Helmbot, my previous sprite avatar.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 29

          Wasn’t your previous sprite avatar a cactus in a sombrero?

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 29

          That would be a fair description, actually.

          Adores: 2
  10. 2010 December 29
    Camille permalink

    Lux Geriouse sounds like a good name for a comic book villain. I wouldn’t let a villain tooken care of my presiouse pet.

    Adores: 7
    • 2010 December 29

      Yes. It’s from “The Spirit 2: The Pun-en-ing”.

      Adores: 2
  11. 2010 December 29
    Lola permalink

    I had finally dislodged the Zappa earworm I had been harboring since Boxing Day, but today’s title reminds me of Sheik Yerbouti, so now it’s back again. Um … thanks?

    Adores: 1
    • 2010 December 29

      Must be nice. I’ve got “Jerry Was a Racecar Driver” by Primus firmly lodged in my cortex.

      Adores: 3
    • 2010 December 29
      mudslicker permalink

      And here I thought Lola would have “Don’t Eat The Yellow Snow” stuck as an earworm.

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 December 29
        Lola permalink

        Good suggestion, Mudsy, but I think not having a dog kept me from thinking that way.

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 December 29
          mudslicker permalink

          Dog? I’ve known guys who would qualify for that mental image.

          Spell your name in the snow: S-P-A-R-K -Y

          Adores: 2
    • 2010 December 29

      Re: Lola and Sheik Yerbouti … That’s actually sort of what I was thinking.

      Adores: 5
      • 2010 December 29
        Lola permalink

        Wait, I just realized: “Lola and Sheik Yerbouti … That’s actually sort of what I was thinking.” Um, Llamanun (bbuy), is that a request? Because I’m going to suggest that you really, really, really don’t want me to dance.

        Adores: 1
  12. 2010 December 29
    The other dave permalink

    I got as far as “personallized day is of coures” and then ran out of will to live.

    I think that this is a great service. I just love the idea of my pet being taken care of by somone with the same IQ!

    Adores: 14
    • 2010 December 29
      Limelolly permalink

      And they have a unique greeting! They sniff your bottom to see where you’ve been and if you’re friend or foe.

      Adores: 6
  13. 2010 December 29
    meredith permalink

    My brain simply refuses to acknowledge this type of thing. I try to read it, and my brain says, “What do you think you’re doing? Eyes, stop reading this right NOW!”. Then my eyes just skip down over the entire thing trying to find something that is properly spelled…but alas, no such luck.

    Adores: 10
    • 2010 December 29

      That’s eerily familiar to how my brain wanted to process this…

      Adores: 3
      • 2010 December 29
        Moira permalink

        And thirded.
        But practice here with previous postings allowed me to persevere and read the entire thing regardless.

        Many thanks to the Llamanun and Ostrimu (BBUT) for increasing my stamina so that I can survive these postings and to the Snark Lounge Commenters for making it enjoyable!

        Adores: 4
        • 2010 December 29

          There have been many days where I just give up on the ad itself and enjoy the well-grammaticalled snark.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 December 29

          Hey now, no reason to single me out of the group like that!

          Adores: 3
  14. 2010 December 29
    meredith permalink

    This is your brain on 22 meals of your choise with a drink of distiled filtered water only.

    Adores: 5
    • 2010 December 29
      Lola permalink

      Don’t forget the snack on the side, Meredith!

      Adores: 4
    • 2010 December 29
      CapnMac permalink

      I dis-tiled a bathroom after Thanksgiving.
      It was a long, hard, dusty day which tasted over much of powdered grout and 30 year-old drywall for the $40 I earned.

      Adores: 0
  15. 2010 December 29

    What bothers me about this ad (and there’s just so much to choose from) is the non-specific nature of the pet care. All types of pets? Really? Because I’m not sure how a tank full of tropical fish will cope with a run round the park.

    And if there’s an assortment of pets, allowing them all to play together is going to wind up with some of those pets forming part of the choice of 22 meals for the others.

    Adores: 14
    • 2010 December 29
      Mindfield permalink

      Especially when I call upon his services to look after my pet gator, Snookums. He’s such a lovable reptile, but he has a real weakness for poodles.

      Adores: 11
      • 2010 December 29

        Sounds like the perfect companion for my Hippo, Spunky. We should set up some park visits for them.

        Adores: 4
        • 2010 December 29
          Mindfield permalink

          Definitely a water park. They both love to frolic in the water, Spunky can graze on the foliage, and Snookums can eat the stragglers who don’t clear out fast enough. A fun time will be had by all! Except the stragglers, anyway.

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 December 29
          mudslicker permalink

          I’ve got my pet twin piranhas – Edward and Scissorhands. They’re great for removing the dead skin off your feet. Bring your own bandages towels.

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 December 29
          CapnMac permalink

          Precisely my thought when I imagined dropping my ur-pet Basil the Smilodon–that Spark’ could have an exciting day limiting Bas’ to only three treats, or 22 meals or just the 12 kinds of food. Especially since Bas’ is only good at catmath.

          Adores: 1
      • 2010 December 29

        This facilatie seems like it would be a good place for me to drop off my sheak pet deer ticks (Vlads 1-20 and 21-32) for a few days.

        Adores: 10
        • 2010 December 29
          Mindfield permalink

          Oh, cool! I have a colony of Norwegian Hera ticks, we could arrange for a playdate. Just keep them away from Noodle, my pet aardvark.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 December 29

          [Insert snarky comment involving Hera ticks sounding like heretics when read aloud here]

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 December 29
          sarajean80 permalink

          Your Norwegian Hera ticks sound like the perfect companions for my Madagascar Hissing Luna Ticks.

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 December 29

          I’m not sure what to do with all this. I’m just gonna pass it off to my South Austrian Pheno Ticks.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 December 29
          Mindfield permalink

          You know, if all allowed our ticks to interbreed, we could create a new species of Poly Ticks.

          Hmm. There’s a metaphor in here, I just know it.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 December 29
          NotMyName permalink

          Poly Ticks drain people’s blood.

          Politics drains people’s money.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 29
          Mindfield permalink

          Poly Ticks operate using only rudimentary ganglia. Politicians … operate using only rudimentary ganglia.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 29
          NotMyName permalink

          I actually understood that.

          Ticks might actually be smarter than some politicians. I’m looking at you, Teabag party members.

          Adores: 2
    • 2010 December 29

      This is my pet carp, Cigarette. Every day, I take him out for a drag.

      Adores: 21
      • 2010 December 29
        Limelolly permalink

        We can always hear you and your pet wheezing down the road. 8)

        Adores: 4
        • 2010 December 29
          Lola permalink

          “Wheeze on down, wheeze on down the road …”

          Adores: 4
  16. 2010 December 29
    NotMyName permalink

    I’m going to count how many misspelled words there are, I’ll say it as a response to this.

    Adores: 1
    • 2010 December 29

      Why does everyone feel the need to nit pick on spelling errors? Some of us have fiellings you know!

      Adores: 7
    • 2010 December 29
      NotMyName permalink

      I counted 47 words. Taco, looks like you have some competition.

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 December 29

        I counted 54, but I included stuff like “pets” misspelled when it was supposed to be possessive, and “making” when it was supposed to be “make.”

        Does anyone have a spare ice pick? I need to gouge out my eyes.

        Adores: 2
    • 2010 December 29
      Mindfield permalink

      If we don’t hear from you, we’ll assume you had an aneurysm and are currently in a coma*.

      * I was going to say “comma” but Sparky is fresh out.

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 December 29
        NotMyName permalink

        I’m finevbshbdhgsbnxcvbvbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb

        Adores: 6
  17. 2010 December 29
    Windrose permalink

    Old Belladonna Took, mother of Bilbo Baggins, opened this pet care place. That is the origin of the phrase, Took-en care of.

    Adores: 8
    • 2010 December 29

      Fool of a Took, Tooken yourself in next time and rid us of your luxgeriouse style!

      Adores: 6
      • 2010 December 29

        J.R.R. Tooken, he wrote Luxory of the Pampering

        Billy Bob Baglady was the main character, I think he was from Middlesex County.

        They were trying to return the pamper-ring AKA “presiouse” to the Procter & Gamble factory from whence it came.

        Adores: 11
  18. 2010 December 29

    Fluffy: Our plan is in motion, Mittens.

    Mittens: Brilliant, simply brilliant, Fluffy, with all the grammar and spelling mistakes I made the nasty canines will not suspect this is a TRAP!

    Fluffy: Wait, spelling and grammar? Mittens!! Dogs can’t read!!

    Mittens: A minor technicality, *Mittens furiously typing*

    Luxory pet reading lessons

    Fluffy: Mittens!!

    Mittens: Fluffy, are you pondering what I’m pondering?

    Fluffy: I think so, Mittens, but how are we going to make pencils that taste like bacon? Or maybe we should make bacon that tastes like pencils.

    Adores: 6
    • 2010 December 29
      monkeypizzasonic permalink

      I want a pencil that tastes like bacon. It would make my classes a lot more fun.

      Adores: 4
      • 2010 December 29
        mudslicker permalink

        Don’t say “pencil” in front of Hammy. He’ll just make some crack about a “pecil”.

        (which I’m surprised he didn’t)

        Adores: 2
        • 2010 December 29
          Lola permalink

          Dammit, Mudsy, now my brain went to “bacon-flavored pecils” and … I think I briefly blacked out.

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 December 29

          I don’t often think about pecils, however I am willing to flavor them any way you desire, bacon, chocolate, skittles…

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 December 29
          Mindfield permalink

          Two words: Bacon Lube.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 December 29

          That’s just not Kosher!

          Adores: 11
        • 2010 December 29
          mudslicker permalink

          They sound DEE-licious!!!

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 December 29
          mudslicker permalink

          Your “Google History” must be a sight of majesty, Mindfield.

          Adores: 12
        • 2010 December 29

          And/or his credit card bill…

          Adores: 9
        • 2010 December 29
          NotMyName permalink

          His Google History could be used as an advocate against the internet. Maybe.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 29
          Mindfield permalink

          Hey now, my browsing habits aren’t that bad. I actually came across the bacon lube when I Googled “bacon-flavored condoms.”

          Wait, that isn’t any better, is it?

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 December 29
          NotMyName permalink

          No, but it gives us some insight into what you and your wife do when you’re bored.

          Adores: 3
  19. 2010 December 29

    My eyes! They burn!

    Adores: 5
    • 2010 December 29
      Limelolly permalink

      Welcome… you gotta remember to bring goggles and an unbubler for next visit.

      Adores: 10
      • 2010 December 29

        And for Bee’s sake don’t drink and snark at the same time. Your monitor and keyboard will thank you.

        Adores: 10
        • 2010 December 29
          NotMyName permalink

          And finally, don’t rub the puppy’s belly.

          Adores: 10
        • 2010 December 29
          Mindfield permalink

          Hey! He can too rub my belly if he wants. Just point me away from your face, you’ll be fine.

          Adores: 3
  20. 2010 December 29
    monkeypizzasonic permalink

    If they have only the “rich and the famous pets” at their “luxory day care”, you’d think they’d make enough money to hire a good proofreader.

    Adores: 6
    • 2010 December 29
      Mindfield permalink

      Well, keep in mind that if Sparky lives where I think (s)he lives, “rich” could just mean they have an RV instead of a trailer, and “famous” probably means they were on the news. This ad probably was spell checked, and the checker declared, “Yup, luks fahn t’me. You go on ahid ‘n post that suker on that there Crag’s List.”

      Either that or it was typed up in Word and Sparky just kept right-clicking and selecting “Add to Dictionary” because they didn’t want to post the ad with all those red squiggly lines under nearly every word. It’s very unprofessional.

      Adores: 8
      • 2010 December 29

        Thems’s got one of those thar new fagnaled “Indoor Toilets”. Yee haw but does that sound strange havn one a dem in da house.

        Adores: 2
      • 2010 December 29
        NotMyName permalink

        There’s nothing wrong with living in a mobile home. It’s defintely cheaper than owning a house.

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 December 29
          Limelolly permalink

          Yes, but it can get a little crowded. I know a family that lives in a 5 bedroom mobile home, and require 3 SUVs to get everyone to the same place at the same time. I keep telling them they should just invest in a clown car.

          Adores: 2
      • 2010 December 29
        Mindfield permalink

        I wasn’t implying it was a bad place to live. Just playing on the redneck stereotype is all. :) (Heck, if you’ve ever seen videos of those “tiny houses” they make a mobile home feel like a mansion by comparison.)

        Adores: 2
  21. 2010 December 29
    Kiraela permalink

    In the spirit of the game, I managed to say to ’100 toys and twel…’ but not quite to the V. My mind, however… got stolen by Lux Geriouse. Blasted supervillains. Any secret agents/dorks-in-capes about? I kinda need my brain back eventually.

    Adores: 5
    • 2010 December 29
      Moira permalink

      I got to “over 100 toys ” and had to gasp for breath. Now, to be fair, this was the second out-loud reading of the ad and I did read it through silently before I tried at all. The first time, I only got to “includes snack time”.

      Adores: 1
  22. 2010 December 29
    mudslicker permalink

    I didn’t get any farther than the first 3 words. I consider this a good day for me.

    Adores: 2
  23. 2010 December 29
    MandaB permalink

    So Bacontini finally opened a doggie daycare in Vegas?

    I made it to “every minute” and my brain said, “If you continue reading this and don’t take another breath immediately, I am going to quit entirely and there will be no more breathing for you!” It seemed wise to breathe at that point.

    Adores: 8
    • 2010 December 29
      mudslicker permalink

      I stopped at “tooken” so I guess that technically that’s 4 words into that train wreck. Good thinking on your part Manda.

      Adores: 2
  24. 2010 December 29
    LurkRealClose permalink

    I got to “our trails to keep them in shape” but I rather wish I hadn’t.

    Adores: 8
  25. 2010 December 29
    Ladycrim permalink

    I tried, but I was too busy weeping for humanity.

    Adores: 10
    • 2010 December 29

      R.I.P.
      Respect for Humanity

      Taken from us age 9.

      “He never had a chance.”

      Adores: 8
      • 2010 December 29
        NotMyName permalink

        Don’t you mean “Tooken from us at age 9″?

        Adores: 6
        • 2010 December 29

          Damn, I spelled it wrong again!

          Adores: 3
  26. 2010 December 29

    Rock the Cat Box


    Now the VIP told the doggie nanny
    You have to let that rawhide drop
    The pie on the dessert tray
    Has cool whip to the top
    The sheak rode in his Cadillac
    He went a’ cruisin’ down to Mulholland
    The mutton was a’ sizzling’
    On the bbq grill

    The sheak they like it
    Roca in the cat box
    Roca in the cat box
    The sheak they like it
    Roca in the cat box
    Roca in the cat box

    By order of Purina
    We ban that doogie pound
    Designate the baying few
    With that crazy Bassett sound
    But the Basenji they brought out
    That eclectic yodeling call
    The local poop picker
    Got some on his thumb
    As soon as the sheak
    Had cleared the air
    They began to wail

    The sheak they like it
    Roca in the cat box
    Roca in the cat box
    The sheak they like it
    Roca in the cat box
    Roca in the cat box

    Adores: 15
    • 2010 December 29

      Hmmm, my song is awaiting moderation, I think the word “poop” was to strong for the spam filter.
      :-(

      Adores: 5
    • 2010 December 29
      Lola permalink

      Congrats, Hammy. You managed to make me laugh whilst simultaneously throwing up in my mouth a little (per the “Kitty Roca” reference). Good thing my coworkers are at lunch.

      I think drmk’s Zappa-based earworm has now been supplanted by Strummer, Jones, et al.

      Adores: 5
      • 2010 December 29

        You managed to make me laugh whilst simultaneously throwing up in my mouth a little

        Hence forth this phenomenon shall be know as “hurlarious”

        Adores: 11
  27. 2010 December 29

    It’s Luxory? Oh, thank goodness! I was so afraid my genie pigs would have to suffer through something Memphisy, or even (Ra forbid) Abu-Simbely!

    Also, I got to “then it snack time with 22 meals of their choise”. I might try again later after doing some of the breathing exercises we learned at Band Camp.

    Adores: 6
    • 2010 December 29

      On a related note, I talked to someone on Facebook about Neapolitan Ice Cream right after posting this, and accidentally called it Heliopolitan Ice Cream.

      Adores: 3
      • 2010 December 29

        Power corrupts,
        Solar power corrupts heliocentrically.

        Adores: 4
        • 2010 December 29

          Heliopolitan, adj. – related to or having to do with the Ancient Egyptian city of Heliopolis.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 December 29

          [corey]
          Heliocentric: The theory that the solar system revolves around a relatively stationary sun.

          Interestingly, Heliopolitan is derived from the same greek root of Helio (Sun). Specifically Heliopolitan means “City of the Sun” and was named for Ra who was supposed to have lived there.
          [/corey]

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 December 29

          Err Heliopolis is “City of the Sun” Heliopolitan is “Resident of the City of the Sun”.

          Curse you Ajax.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 December 29

          Heliopolitan (noun): A dish consisting of chocolate, strawberry, and vanilla ice cream, molded and served in the shape of Ra.

          Edit: And now I just look late to the game. Nerp.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 29

          [fake-matt]I was trying to provide set up for snark revolving around Ancient Egypt, and you just had to make it revolve around the sun! Some people are just so egocentric that they have to make everything heliocentric! Gosh![/fake-matt]

          Also:

          Heliopolitan, noun – An ice cream consisting of three flavors in the same dish, usually Ra-mazing Vanilla, Khufulicious Chocolate, and Per-Wadjetastic Strawberry.

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 December 29

          [fake matt matt] Geeze, Astro, I almost said that the ice cream was in the shape of a pyramid, but if you actually LOOKED at the ETYMOLOGY of the word you’d see that it doesn’t have to do with general ancient Egyptian stuff, so I said it was Ra. Gosh… Can’t please everyone…. [/matt mat mattt]

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 December 29

          [fake matt matt matt (with a teaspoon of clavin*)] Well excuse me Miss EB but Ive heard Heliopolitanism used as a word to describe Ancient Egyptian religion all tidy like PAGANISM or BUDDHISM and since religion shaped ALL the general ancient Egyptian stuff Pyramid would have been JUST AS ACCEPTABLE I swear you people are SO FREAKING TOUCHY sometimes[/fake matt matt matt (with a teaspoon of clavin)]

          *clavin is the one that means unsubstantiated hearsay, right? Also, I’d like you all to know how much it hurt to go and remove all my lovely punctuation in the name of snark.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 December 29

          Get a [matte] you two!

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 December 29
          Moira permalink

          Yes, Astro, you have used the clavin tag successfully. A clavin is a statement presented as fact but with little-to-no actual truth to back it up.

          …I believe the vast majority of politicians and broadcasters should come with permanent clavin tags these days.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 29
          CapnMac permalink

          [pseudo-matte]Well, and if we accept the idea that the pyramids of Egypt were, in fact, stellar observatories, then they’d be Astropolitian[/pseudo-matte]

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 December 29

          What was the definition of [matte] again? I don’t remember which day it evolved…

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 December 29

          [matte] is for an opinionated, yet impassive observation that is not established fact like a [corey].

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 December 29
          sarajean80 permalink

          So it’s;
          [corey] – comment containing extraneous information regarding a particular topic
          [clavin] – comment containing fictional information regarding a particular topic
          [matt] – comment containing righteous indignation, real or feigned
          [matte] – comment containing an opinionated yet indifferent observation

          Does that look right?

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 December 29

          Not necessarily indifferent, just dispassionate or level-headed in tone.

          Like the difference between:
          “That book sucks! Nobody in a million years would read it! Even I could write better slop than that!”

          and:
          “I find the writing ability of the author in question, I doubt they have many followers.”

          The former of course would merit [matt] tags while the second would be more deserving of [matte].

          I think [matte] may be better described as a serious “non-snarky” or non-humorous observation that is not necessarily a factual statement.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 29

          Wait, I thought Clavin was less fictional and more “I heard this somewhere and it sounds right, but I have no way of proving it.”

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 December 29
          NotMyName permalink

          Necropolitan. Metropolitan. Acropolitan.

          Define.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 December 29

          City of the Dead
          Mother City (Or Original/First City) It doesn’t technically mean this anymore.
          City of the Hights (or City of the Sky)

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 December 29
          NotMyName permalink

          I actually knew what Necropolis was, thanks to the original Fable game.

          Let me translate this into Taco-ese*: Eye actuwally new wat Necrapoliz wuz, thnx two thee originial Fabble geme.

          *No offense Taco, I’m just screwing around.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 29
          Mindfield permalink

          I thought Necropolitan was what zombies ate for dessert after a nice meal of brains?

          Adores: 3
  28. 2010 December 29
    Lola permalink

    … I’m in the golden box? Nice!
    *starts looking around Snark Lounge for helmet*

    Adores: 3
    • 2010 December 29

      You may want to rinse it out. Taco was using it to shield the goo.

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 December 29
        Lola permalink

        The g- … oh, right.

        *sets Snark Lounge dishwasher on “boiling brain bleach setting”, puts helmet in*

        Thanks for reminding me!

        Adores: 4
  29. 2010 December 29

    I gotta say, I don’t envy whomever it is that has to pick a comment for populating the box tomorrow. A lot of great snark flying around today.

    Adores: 2
    • 2010 December 29

      Duck! It’ll splat you!

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 December 29

        SNARK FIGHT!

        *Throws a bucket full of mine hors at EB*

        Adores: 5
        • 2010 December 29

          I want in!

          Astro> get MR WINKEY
          Astro> put MR WINKEY in BEA ARTHUR CUTOUT
          Astro>put BEA ARTHUR CUTOUT in CANNON
          Astro>aim CANNON at TACOMAGIC
          Astro>fire CANNON

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 29
          MR. WINKEY permalink

          Huhwhat?

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 29
          Mindfield permalink

          Whoa, hey now, not to get all Danny Tanner on your asses, but you’re making a terrible mess. Who’s going to clean this all up? Certainly not I. I’ll do you a favour, I’ll get a pallet and the snarklift and the rest of you can just shovel it on and take it out to the trash when you’re done.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 29

          *tosses afroman and his ice cream at Taco, ducks behind Red Table For Sale*

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 29

          Astro> get FLINSTONEMOBILE
          Astro> ride FLINSTONEMOBILE
          Astro> say You’ll never catch me alive, coppers! Hahaha!
          Astro> move N
          ~~~~~~~~~[YSaCMUCK:ATRIUM]~~~~~~~~~
          You are in a dank and dusty atrium. There are billions of piled [doors] strewn about, just waiting to be used. There is also a long [hallway], the way [out], and a door marked [snark lounge].
          Contents:
          FLINSTONEMOBILE [FULL]
          Astro [IC]
          [Doors]
          Astro> say Mindfield can never make me clean while I’m – HOLY SPICECHRIST, THERE’S NO STEERING OR BREAKS!
          Astro> exit FLINSTONEMOBILE
          YSaCMUCK> You jump out and hit the ground, and lose 5 HP.
          YSaCMUCK> FLINSTONEMOBILE has exited [OUT].

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 December 29

          *Unleashes a flock of T-shits at everyone*

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 29
          NotMyName permalink

          *In “grenade” voice*

          “Lacawates-valtrus-suka!!!”

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 December 29
          Camille permalink

          *grabs a Bedazzler and prepares to defend herself*

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 December 29
          NotMyName permalink

          NMN sends out Haunted Eagle Statue!

          Haunted Eagle Statue attackes with creep people the hell out!

          It’s a critical hit!

          Everyone is creeped out!

          I’ve been influenced greatly by it. Sorry about that.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 December 29

          *Unleashes a flock of T-shits at everyone*

          I thought T-shits “came” in “loads” not flocks…

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 December 29
          Lola permalink

          *unleashes volley of asshats who want to hang out with [little people] and/or drunken clowns, the nacho cheese fountain/Lionel Richie cheese head, and a table that has been spraypainted by a rabid badger while sitting next to a vacuum that was being photographed outside, from behind overpriced, rusting Viking stove draped in a blue tarp and while eating a Winter Bagel*

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 29
          sarajean80 permalink

          *SARA JEAN > arms self with Clue by Four.*

          *SARA JEAN > Barricades self behind haunted Craftmatic bed*

          “I’ve got a possessed doll and I’m not afraid to use it!”

          *MYSTICAL HAWK > suddenly appears.*

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 29
          NotMyName permalink

          *Sends out army of chiwahwahs and fleet of dolphis.*

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 December 29

          *Puts on spider man costume and waves a giant inflatable banana around*

          “Back, back I say!”

          *Readies ninja turtle penis costume for deployment*

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 December 29
          NotMyName permalink

          *Gets the hell away from Hammy*

          RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!! IT’S A WMD!!!

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 December 29

          There’s only one thing to do now!

          *Grabs his Chipmunk and Squirrel costumes*

          Who’s with me?!

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 December 29
          sarajean80 permalink

          *screams*

          *Hides under Tarp of Christmas Stuff*

          Adores: 7
        • 2010 December 29

          Not it! *puts finger on nose* Nose goes!

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 December 29

          *Points hypno dog at everyone*

          “You are getting sleepy…the pecil is a lie.”
          “You are getting sleepy…the pecil is a lie.”
          “You are getting sleepy…the pecil is a lie.”
          “You are getting sleepy…the pecil is a lie.”
          “You are getting sleepy…the pecil is a lie.”

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 December 29
          sarajean80 permalink

          *blinks sleepily*

          The pecil is … lying … in bacon.

          *snores*

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 December 29
          CapnMac permalink

          100:Invokes Sunlight (by raising the window shade)
          200:Pasty game-master then vanishes into a cloud of Vitamin D.
          300:Problem solved (not including HazMat remediation of basement)
          400:EndofRun

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 December 29

          Astro> move SNARK LOUNGE

          ~~~~~~~~~[YSaCMUCK: SNARK LOUNGE {D}]~~~~~~~~~
          You really think I’m gonna try and write a description for this?
          EXITS:
          [ARCHIVES]
          [ATRIUM]
          [FORA]
          CONTENTS:
          I don’t see anything!
          Astro> shout Holy Lacawates Valtrus-Suka, Batman!
          Astro> get GIANT INFLATABLE BANANA
          Astro> throw GIANT INFLATABLE BANANA
          YSaCMUCK> You have not specified a target. Please use the form “throw at ”
          Astro> throw GIANT INFLATABLE BANANA at HAMCAN
          Astro> get HYPNO-DOG
          Astro> use HYPNO-DOG
          Hypno-Dog> Hypno-Dog ‘s eyes begin to glow, and the creature barks.
          Hypno-Dog> Hypno-Dog says, ” Submit to my will!”"
          Astro> get THE TABLE
          Astro> view THE TABLE
          YSaCMUCK> here is picture of table
          Astro> throw THE TABLE at CAPNMAC

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 December 29
          NotMyName permalink

          Text game? Interesting.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 December 30
          CapnMac permalink

          The captain was busy using the diamond hone on the talons of Basil, as the griffin had gotten quite a lot of Sparky stuck on them, and was quite unaware of the mortal danger of the table plummeting balistically towards him.

          Fortunately, the Chief of Staff, as was his custom was near to hand, using that beatific omniscience requisite for promotion to master Chief Petty Officer. Said worthy merely moved as single eyebrow a few millimeters, and that was a significant enough disturbance in quantum space-time as to cause at least two Chief Petty Officers, and a PO/1 to shout a billet of sailors into action.

          The poor table never had time to even assimilate the concept of “petunia’ before is was siezed, bolted, welded and then lashed with plow-steel cable, to then have every scrap of paint scraped and needle-gunned from its every surface. Then, was given two coats of primer, a base coat of Paint, Surface Preperation, for NavSTD#1PCPA painting, all before the two finish coats of paint. Afterwards, a brass rail was intalled ,then polished to a mirror shine just before the sailmaker appeared and half-hitched polypropelene sheathed yacht-braid line around the rail to provide a good grip and not leave fingerprints on the spotless brass.

          Which pleased Basil the Geminiraptor, as the cord provided an ample grip to allow both preening and swiping at the occasional Sparky who ignored the painted warning stripe on the deck, the audible warning, and the signed release cautioning against risk of maiming, death, or being eaten by Creteacean Troodontidae.

          The Basils being fed, the Captain returned to the task of finding better ways of casting intertube malware writers into maelstroms of hungry lamprey (none of whom would ever be called Basil)–the sinkholes of hagfish being rightly reserved for spammers and direct-mail timeshare advertisers.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 December 30

          Cap’n, you forgot the requisite two feet of non-skid around the perimeter of the table, not to mention the DC lantern and the hull diagram bolted to it. Oh, and the glow in the dark frame number painted on it.

          Adores: 0
    • 2010 December 29
      Windrose permalink

      Thanks, Taco. Uh, I mean, whoever it is will certainly appreciate your sympathy.

      Adores: 1
  30. 2010 December 29
    CapnMac permalink

    Ok, the editor in me could not stand it any more–this is how Spark thinks this reads (edits in square brackets):

    Luxury Pet Day-care

    [Do you n]eed [yo]ur pet taken care of?
    [Would you like to make sure you can rely on your pet’s well being by] leaving them in [luxurious] style and care[?]
    [Knowing that yo]ur pet [is] being pampered every minute of every day[?]

    [O]ur staff [will] personally pamper and take care of [your dear pet.] [O]ur luxury day-care includes snack time []with [a] choice [of] brand name snacks and [exercise using our trails and exercise facilities].

    [We offer] play time with over 100 toys and 12 events for [yo]ur [precious] pets. [We offer] snack time with [a wide number of] meals [and use only distilled filtered] water[--]only the purest for our finest pets. [We customize ourt care to suit your needs and schedule and your pet’s as well.]

    [We also offer special opportunities and VIP] treatment that only the [Chic-est of chic] pets [might expect. We offer the best for the best; all of our customers are treated as if Rich & Famous.]

    [Please] call to [check for available times and dates to] book[,] or to reserve places[(please note space is limited). Please] leave a message with [your contact information].

    Ok, it’s still advertizing tripe, and I’m not leaving any of the Basils with them . . .

    Adores: 5
    • 2010 December 29
      CoffDrop permalink

      Well heck Captain – I sure would like to spend a few days at a place like that. Pencil me and Roxann in for the next available weekend. We’ll be bringing our own toys…..

      Adores: 2
    • 2010 December 29
      Mindfield permalink

      You are a brave soul, Capn. The rest of us couldn’t brave the waters, but you waded right in and caught yourself some punctuation and a basket of grammar. And a left boot.

      Adores: 4
  31. 2010 December 29
    sarajean80 permalink

    My cats eat food I buy in fourteen pound bags from Tractor Supply and would drink exclusively out of the toilet and bathtub if I let them. Offering them brand name snacks and filtered/distilled water is not going to impress them very much.

    Adores: 6
    • 2010 December 29

      I’ve always said buying fancy food for creatures that use their tongue to clean their own bottom is a waste of money.

      Adores: 6
      • 2010 December 29

        We actually gave our cats wet food for the first time ever as a sort of Christmas pleasantry.

        I cleaned up 8 cat horks in three days.

        Adores: 4
        • 2010 December 29
          sarajean80 permalink

          I feed mine wet and dry and don’t have a problem. I only give them a tiny bit of wet to supplement the dry though, so they don’t eat too much and get sick.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 December 29

          It was a tiny little can of kitten food, shared between two cats. I really didn’t think there would be a problem -_-

          Adores: 1
    • 2010 December 29
      NotMyName permalink

      NOTHING impresses cats.

      Adores: 6
      • 2010 December 29
        Limelolly permalink

        Red laser beams do. And hand shadows.

        Adores: 6
        • 2010 December 29

          Mouse cursors, string, power cords…

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 December 29
          sarajean80 permalink

          … little girls who like to play “dress-up the kitties”…

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 December 29

          Not sure if “impresses” is really the right word there, sj.

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 December 29
          Moira permalink

          Spiders!
          Or, occasionally, leaves we’ve tracked into the house or dust bunnies.

          Some days, though, she just can’t be arsed to go after the spider strutting its stuff in front of her, darn it.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 December 29

          Semi tires leave an impression…

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 December 29
          Mindfield permalink

          Fish impresses my cats. Any other kind of meat, not so much. They’re also impressed by Luv cat treats, except for the one cat who isn’t impressed unless they move, so I have to throw them before she’ll eat it. She likes “live” kill.

          One of my cats is absolutely not impressed by plastic bags. She’s scared of them, in fact. The traumatizing event in question was funny as hell, but in retrospect it feels kinda mean now whenever I have to fluff open a new garbage bag in her vicinity.

          Adores: 3
    • 2010 December 29
      Addicted Reader permalink

      I’m pretty sure if someone offered my parents’ cat filtered water, he’d think it tasted wrong. He drinks from the toilet, and gets the water drained from tuna cans sometimes. I’m sure he appreciates the extra “flavor.”

      Adores: 1
      • 2010 December 29
        NotMyName permalink

        MMMMMM….flavor.

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 December 29
          Addicted Reader permalink

          Now I’m thinking about M&Ms *again*.

          ::goes off to search through pantry for stray chocolate::

          Adores: 2
      • 2010 December 29
        Mindfield permalink

        My cats love tuna water. They don’t drink from the toilet though, but we do leave a faucet running a very thin rivulet because one of our cats doesn’t like drinking from the kitty water cooler. (However, one of our other cats loves the water cooler when it’s just filled up and set down. She keeps trying to catch the bubbles.)

        Adores: 2
  32. 2010 December 29
    CapnMac permalink

    YSaC aside: Does this post suggest a TL;DR tag?

    Middling obvious Spark did not read through it the first time; but expects us to.

    Adores: 3
    • 2010 December 29

      I guess it depends on how much we want to appear as if we’re bowing to internet pop-culture.

      Adores: 1
    • 2010 December 29
      NotMyName permalink

      I’m going to invent “TB;FO.”

      Too bad, freaked out.

      Adores: 4
    • 2010 December 29
      Mindfield permalink

      TSA: Total Semantic Annihilation.

      Adores: 3
  33. 2010 December 29
    Moira permalink

    22 meals of their choise with a drink of distiled filtered water only the purest

    Oh, garçon, I would like the pig snout and beef tail in aspic followed by four ounces of your purest water as a digestif.

    (This also reminds me of lightly killed baby frogs.)

    It boggles my mind that Sparky wishes to impress us so with the accommodations, activities and comestibles but somehow doesn’t think that basic communication skills might carry some weight, too.

    Adores: 4
  34. 2010 December 29
    SilvaNoir permalink

    With 22 meals a day PLUS snacks and total lack of intelligence, I don’t think sparky can keep my pet in shape.

    Adores: 4
    • 2010 December 29
      Lola permalink

      I was wondering (since they don’t write clearly enough to specify) whether that was just 22 meals total in the whole place and, if so, what the pets eat when the food runs out. I suspect the answer is “each other.”

      Adores: 1
      • 2010 December 29
        NotMyName permalink

        And then, there will only be one.

        Adores: 3
        • 2010 December 29
          Mindfield permalink

          But he’ll be a biggun.

          Adores: 1
    • 2010 December 29
      Camille permalink

      Sparky didn’t actually specify WHAT shape…

      Adores: 2
  35. 2010 December 29
    Litarider permalink

    Ur pets? The Sumerian forerunner of pillow pets and Tamagachi?

    Adores: 2
    • 2010 December 29
      Litarider permalink

      I respectfully withdraw this comment, since CapnMac already touched on the them.

      *goes whistling off*

      Adores: 5
      • 2010 December 30
        CapnMac permalink

        No, don’t leave because of me.
        I was leaving the Sumarian snark for another, the concept of Og-housetrained Civets, L. Rufus, or similar Prionailurus in with Spark’s bevy of Pommerainans, Pekes, Chi-wa-was an dthe like being too much to assimilate, even with the help of Basil the Not.A.Lion

        Adores: 0
  36. 2010 December 30
    Windrose permalink

    Lola, I’m sure it’s past your bed time, but as soon as the helmet is out of the spin cycle, here’s your Punchity Punch Punch!

    G’Night, Mr. Tinkles!

    Adores: 1
  37. 2010 December 30

    “Need ur pet tooken care of and making sure u know ur pet loves u leaving them in luxgeriouse—AHHAHAHAHAHA LUXGERIOUSE!! That sounds like geriatric luxury… which doesn’t sound very luxurious.”

    Adores: 2
  38. 2010 December 31

    I sometimes have problems encouraging my mid-level ESL students to participate in class because they’re too worried about making mistakes or embarrassing themselves in front of their peers. I will use this post as encouragement, it’s sure to make them feel better about themselves. They’ve only been studying English a few months but they couldn’t make this many errors in a single paragraph if they tried!

    Adores: 1
  39. 2011 January 5
    Sashira permalink

    I got to “luxory day care” – the second one.

    Adores: 0
  40. 2011 January 7
    Marathon permalink

    I got to “luxgeriouse” before my tongue leapt down my throat and tried to strangle me….. after fighting that off, I lost my place, and then fell into a seizure upon seeing “permanit”….. Is that some form a new knitting style? And has someone already made that joke? I need a Pan-Galatic Gargle Blaster or five……

    Adores: 0
    • 2011 January 7
      Marathon permalink

      Whoops, that “a” should be “of”.

      Adores: 0

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