YSaC, Vol. 897: Riters on the storm.
Shadoe riter
Need somone to rite my bogriphy. Will pay food n lojins + a c. note. Mus not be ugly.
Well, let’s be positive. At least this person realizes that they are clearly not capable of writing their own autobiography and that they need help. That’s a start, right?
The first question that arises is, naturally, is “lojins” a place to stay, or is it thermal underwear? Also, which c note? A middle-of-the-road 261 Hz C4? A booming 16 Hz C0, inviting thoughts of the Bach Passacaglia and Fugue? Or possibly a piercing, Maynard Ferguson-esque 1046 Hz C6?
Now let’s consider ghost-writers. They want someone attractive, so Theodore Sorenson, possible author of Profiles in Courage, is probably out:
Plus, he’s dead.
OK, what about Barbara Feinman Todd? She ghost wrote It Takes a Village by Hillary Clinton.
The problem is, she’s had some pretty prestigious clients, and probably isn’t interested in working for someone who can’t even afford two more letters to make the word “and”.
OK, I have it. Valerie Frankel.
She’s quite pretty, and she’s had plenty of practice ghost writing biographies of dubiously sentient individuals. After all, her last outing was this:
Thanks for the post, Amy!
Bubba wuz burn down N Alabammy, he wrassled him some gaters made him some shine. He wuz a grate man (Werked N da sewerz) N he dyed N nan arboatin’ axeydent.
Thuh Nd.
Arboatin’s dangerus shore nuff. Gotta be might carful round them thar arboats ye don’t git’n yur har caut n that thar perpeller.
mah har gut caut n un arboatin perpeller n noww ah don nead ta coam mah har no mo
*cerebralsplody*
‘S’ok, Lol’ iff’n needs mus’ Ay kin tran’late hicj fer’ya <G>
I can understand it just fine and that’s the problem …
We’re sorry. NMN’s brain cannot handle this at 8:30 in the morning. If you would like to have some snark, please leave some coffee slices, and we’ll get back to you as soon as possible. Thanks! *Beep*
*pushes coffee slices into NMN’s corner*
*points up to prior post*
What he said.
Of course, I was probably pre-stupidified yesterday when my coworker purchased and read aloud to us portions of “Snooki’s” “book.” I’m pretty sure just listening to it negated one of my degrees in English.
That could only have been horrific. My sister-in-law forces me to watch truly awful movies (I am a captive audience because she is easily offended and always wants to watch one when I am with her). She has tried, unsuccessfully, to get me interested in Tori Spelling’s bio. I guess she’s reading at least. That is the librarians mantra I think. At least they’re reading
Did doing so open up a portal to Hell?
No, but only because I had a rosary and some holy water.
Lara, I, too, like to think “at least they’re reading,” but I don’t know if reading things that lower your IQ every page is a good thing.
I doubt that Snooki has read Snooki’s “book”….
It is a conundrum
I doubt Snooki can read anything more complex than a text message.
As long as the text message contains the minimum number of letters and numbers required to phonetically reconstruct the intent of the message.
It might even be a paradox…
Like this?
…Though, I guess given the subject, it’s more likely to be like this.
Well, the nature of celebriphillia being what it is, like as not, Snooki probably has a wage-slave PA who reads the messages sent to Snooki.
What collection of venal and mortal sins combined to make that the Purgatory of that PA beggars the imagination.
I guess we finally have an answer to the question; “Who would advertise on CraigsList for someone to answer their text messages?”
Y’know, Capn, I first scanned that as “venereal and mortal sins” and it still sounded perfectly relevant.
Wait, you are surrounded by lawyers and not one leapt in with at least a temporary injunction?
Reading the Snooki Bio?
And aloud?
Clear case of willful disregard for actual and percieved damages . . .
It’s the Snooki BOG, Capn.
Hehe…
All things Snooki may be pitched into the Bog, Kaze, loo, or whichever midden might be handiest.
Preferably not a compost heap, though, the poor flora deserve better than that.
I don’t think silicone is compostable anyway, Cap’n.
All that hair product and (c|m)akeup is probably bad for the environment, too. To say nothing of the radioactivity and mutations from all the tanning bed exposure!
Oh my.
I just actually took the time to look it up on Wikipedia and it’s a *reality show*?!? And all this time, I thought it was a sitcom wherein all the characters were played by Oompa Loompas.*
*This may not be strictly true, but it’s close.
I asked Uncle Google and the little I skimmed through did not inspire me to want to know more about these people. I think I’m better off in my ignorance.
There were no attorneys around. And just you try and sue a law firm! Ha!
Depends on your definition of “reality”…
*in voice of elderly British High Court judge* “And what, pray, is a ‘Snooki’?”
ratwoman, if you don’t know, don’t look it up. You don’t need to do that to your brain.
Having already been damaged, I’ll translate:
American chav-types have a “reality” show, and one of them looks like a really short Jordan/Katie Price (both in “skin” “color” and clothing sense) with a hairstyle that looks like a half-size hat of the type worn by the Palace Guard (see last graphic in post). This person in particular has allegedly written a book, though as the post illustrates, she didn’t, really. Your rats are smarter and more literate, I am certain.
The show title is “Jersey Shore,” because they are located on the Atlantic Coastline of New Jersey. They refer to themselves as “guidos”/”guidettes” from a disparaging term applied to those of Italian descent, except they proclaim it proudly. They “work” minimal jobs and mostly drink, fight, and go to clubs. Oh, and couple (I will not go into further details for all of our sakes).
For reasons I do not understand, it is popular. I have never watched it, though I have a coworker who adores it for its cartoonishly car-wreckish quality and I have learned these details by osmosis.
You’re welcome. Now may I have some tea, bourbon biscuits, and tickets to the RSC for my troubles/to help me regain my brain cells? Thank you. 😉
[guido corey]
Guido is an Italian proper noun. It is similar of guidare, which would be Drover in English. The derogatory sense has come about from using the proper noun rather than the clearly defamatory “ginney” (also ginnie) from the Italian word for the burros of Guinea. The use of which also gives us “jenny” as a name for a mule or donkey.
All rather a tiresome way of casting invective relating to the base name for an onager.
Strange aside: The people of Muleshoe, TX (country seat of Bailey Co. pop apx 4500) sometimes refer to their town as Guinea-slipper.
[/corey]
[guido corey corey] Cap’n, “guido” was and still is perceived by many to connote an offensive term for Italians, particularly ones with certain fashion and lifestyle choices; usage of this term in this fashion may be (at least until recently) roughly limited along the Eastern seaboard, but the derogatory sense in current usage may be at least as strongly correlated to actual individuals having this as a personal given name as it is an epithet derived from an older term, per personal observation. [/slang etymology corey]
Lola, if you want tea and bourbon biscuits my door is always open (not literally. It’s not that nice a neighbourhood).
The name Jersey Shore sounds familiar so I think it’s shown over here too. We also have a home-grown version called The Only Way is Essex. I’ve managed to avoid both.
NMN, I just wanted to call and tell you I had a wonderful time last night…wait, what?
I’m sorry, none of those will work. He clearly states right in the title, he’s looking for Shadoe Stevens to “rite” his bogriphy* — so it’s already written, but it needs proofing. Lots and lots of proofing, it seems. But Shadoe isn’t ugly, and he seems smart enough that he could string together some pretty coherent sentences. As a bonus, he’d be perfect for the ad spots. However, I’m not sure how good he is at translating deep southern Sparkese.
* Bogriphy: The art of swamp poetry
I’ve read a bography. It was called Great Restrooms of England.
Ah, the two great nations divided by a common language. Although one of those terms is derived from the other. I’ve read the one you reference though, and it’s pretty accurate, except for the one on Downing St. That one’s really gone downhill.
Ahh… I seen what you done there…*
*That one was for you, Steph… It hurt to type, as it’s one of my pet peeves as well…
Oooo, something new for my reading list!
It makes great bathroom reading.
:facepalm:
What, Bombdude, you don’t think it’s punny?
My experience with English restrooms is that they look just like English phone boxes.
Only make THAT mistake once… The policeman didn’t see the irony in an innocent little mistake…
Or is it that too many use phone boxes for restrooms?
Hey, jg! Haven’t seen you in a while. Hi!
Maybe Sparky’s looking for M. Shadows*? He does music though, not literature.
*Most likely not his real name.
If you’re a ladie and koo with 420, you can ask that guy who wants to hide out from his crazy ex. Two problems solved. Of course, it will be riddled with typos, but something tells me you won’t proofread it too carefully.
If 420 is involved, you won’t much care or even recognize typos. It’ll all be koo, man. It’s, like, art. It’s meant to be written that way, you know?
Lookin’ for goats writer
I needin’ sumbody ta help compilimate my collection of respies. Its going to be pretty big, since I dun got that secshun on possum and recoon caserols. Beeun willin’ to taste test teh respiece is a must. Will pay by fixin two of the respeace for you each day, an you can live in my spair shack wi the hogs. They dun mind nun, and theys reel frendly an worm at night.
Maaaaa maaaaaaa maaaaaa.
The problem with goats riters is that they tend to eat what they’ve written the day before for a late night snack. Then they have to start all over again the next morning.
Are those like goats riters inna skie?
huvs mada steal and horns snorting far?
Yippie-yie-Oh; Yippie-yie-Ay,ay,Ay
Hooded and robed ungulates performing ceremonies on a Scottish isle?
Dressed in Black, natur’ly, too <G>
Whoops found a typo. “Its going to be…” should have been “It gon be…”
My apologies.
providing roadkill for the recipes should have been included
I had kind of hoped that was assumed by the tone of my snark :).
I read that.
I read it three times.
I still come up with – will pay (with) lion food.
Suh-weet! My Not.A.Lion was gettin’ pretty hungry.
I’m betting that they’re paying in cough drops. I hope the lozenges are cherry flavored.
I think they may be a special brand of heavy metal lozenges because Sparky has clearly consumed a high level of lead.
“Docter says we shuld take vitamens but I caint afford them, so Imma gonna suck on this leeky battry insted. Im shur theres some kinda metel in them.”
Oh! I need to have another lozenge, thank you. My husband (Mr. LRC) has the flu and I’m trying not to get it.
I found some Warm Apple Pie (With Cinnamon Flavor Beads!) flavored “soothing throat drops” that are absolutely yummy. I’d eat them even if my throat didn’t feel like it was on fire.
It scanned to me as “will pay with lotions and air conditioner.”
This scares me.
Edited to add: Dammit. Commented slightly too soon. Needed to read a little further on…
Don’t fear Moira. I read it 3 times as offering some sort of payment in free air conditioning.
Me too…. And I stared at “lojins” for a while before I didn’t see “loins” anymore… Lions actually makes more sense, because there’s a chain of grocery stores called Food Lion, so many he has an in there?
For some reason I read this as “Will pay Food Lion” (Food Lion is a grocery store chain around here). I couldn’t figure out why they would pay Food Lion.
Git out a mah head!
I thought it seemed a little cozy in here today.
I came up with “food and lotions”, which left far more squick in my brain than I’d have liked at this hour. :::shudder:::
“Oh baby, that paragraph bout me wrasslin those two midgets at the state fair is pure poUHtry…come on over here n let me rub some this coco butta on you!”
Edit: “And bring that bucket O’ fried chicken with ya…and the dune buggy battery…this is gonna be a romantic evening”.
I eventually read it as “lodgings,” but then I started to seriously wonder if “lodging” is a euphemism in Sparky’s world. Then the lotion came into play and my brain shut down.
Yeah, I got lotions also. And I rather wish I hadn’t.
Well, Sparky could be like my grandmother who collects the mini lotions (and anything else of the small packaged toiletries she can) from every hotel she stays at. In the coming collapse, these will be valuable barter items. I’m just glad it’s the lotions he’s decided he can do without rather than the soaps.
That dune buggy battery is for electrified lady bits again isn’t it? You are so kinky Meredith
I prefer, “romantic”, Lara.
It rubs the lojins on its skin or it has to read the bogriphy again.
Camille…I adore you..
Awwww… Right back at you, CJ.
I love Camille too but I don’t like this pit in the basement very much. Where’s that damn dog when I need it.
Let’s see if I can translate this.
“I often confuse “ghost” and “shadow”, as I am equally scared of both. I also seem to have lost my W key.”
“I’m looking for the lady (or very pretty man) I saw on the bus who seemed interested in my life story when I told it to her last week during rush hour when we were pressed together like incestuous sardines. She has a Coach bag and drinks skinny caramel apple cappucinos with extra foam. I think her name is Somone.”
” Hey, I found the W! It was under this partially-eaten Cheeto. I cleaned out behind the water heater in the basement so you would have room to put your stuff, you just have to be real quiet so Mom doesn’t know we are there. At night you can help me raid the fridge. Also, I drew you a picture of the sea.”
“I found your faint mustache very alluring. I hope the girl or possible lady-boy read this.”
That makes it so much clearer, doesn’t it?
“Also, I drew you a picture of the sea.”
I’m sold! Where do I sign up!?!
I want a picture of the sea too!!
No, only I can see the sea, see?
She sees the seas? While drinking tea? And eating peas? In a tree? (Ok, I’m done….)
If you please.
Have some bees!
SJ — just what I needed. I’ve had a rotten week. That made me laugh so hard. Thanks
You know, once properly translated there’s an almost naively romantic sweetness to it. I can almost imagine him and the object of his desire sneaking quietly down the stairs to the basement, careful to avoid that one step that squeaks, pulling the cord on the one hanging light to give the room some romantic ambiance, and then sitting on the couch while Sparky gleefully shows off his toenail collection.
This little piggy went to market…
The word “Piggy” reminds me, tomorrow or Saturday, I will have to show you all the video we’re turning in tomorrow for English. It’s a comedic short film based on Lord of the Flies.
I’ve never heard comedic and Lord of the Flies in the same sentence before. Can’t wait to see it! 8)
Incestuous Sardines would be a great name for a band!
Incestuous Sardines is the name of IF’s Hootie and the Blowfish tribute band.
No wonder we don’t see IF very often, he’s got all these bands to manage.
Given that Sparky may be southern, perhaps ugly refers to attitude rather than physical beauty. In that case, I’m out. Blessed be the patient writer who can parse Sparky’s barbeque sauce stained notes without things getting ugly.
Me: “Hey, Sparky, what’s this word right here?” *points*
Sparky: “Lojins.”
Me: “But what does that mean?”
Sparky: “Lojins! You know, lojins! Do I hafter spell it out fur ya?”
Me: *facepalm*
…continued
Me: “I still don’t understand. Could you use it in a sentence?”
Sparky: “Ya mean like when you put words tergether? ‘Course! People need them some lojins.”
Me: “…perhaps something more specific?”
Sparky: “I never been ta that side a’the country.”
Me: “I mean a different example.”
Sparky: “Welp… uh… I never met nobody that din’t need lojins?”
Me: *brain ‘splodes*
I…I love you. Brain-splody bits and all.
Shadoe Riter is a new app that lets a person speak lik dey alwus done, and the riter hears it in Proper English, and can then type it up. It’s still in Beta, though. This advertiser must be one of the testers. *nods convincingly*
Perhaps I’m just feeling particularly apprehensive today, but … no “humanity is doomed” tag? Any post referring to A Shore Thing is surely a harbinger of end days.
I suppose when it’s a foregone conclusion, the tag becomes redundant. 😛
Face it, A Shore Thing is a harbinger of the end of days all by itself.
Shadoe Riter is an avenging superhero who, in real-life, is a meek copy-editor for a major newspaper. The person looking for aid is willing to provide food and sex to our hero (or heroine) and perhaps some financial contribution in return for rescuing the manuscript in question. The only other requirement of our delightful hero/ine is that an appropriate appearance is key. This story is getting good–I may just have to read that bogriphy.
[ramble]
So I couldn’t stand it any more. It’s kind of like watching something bad happen and you can’t look away or like Mindfields reference to “gravy wrestling” (YouTube videos of championship wrestling in England are a little disturbing). I had to ask Uncle Google what lojins were. It turns out its a fairly popular Arabic name. (Who woulda thunk).
[/ramble]
Artsy, the flask is here if you need it.
Perhaps lojins are a lower order in the genie pig caste.
So Sparky will pay me in food and Arabs? Um…….
Don’t forget the air conditioner and random note.
Oh, rite, I had forgotten those. Sounds like a great deal, now.
Aww… it’s random?
I was hoping for C3.
What about B flat?
*steps up on podium and taps microphone*
Ahem ahem. Is this thing on?
*squealing feedback*
Yikes! Er, okay… Well, sit tight everybody, because I’m about to bring out…
THE COREY TAGS.
[Official Southern-speak translator corey]
Since I was raised in that lovely part of their country (even if their grammar oft gives me the heebie-jeebies), I consider it my duty to help poor Sparky better convey his thoughts (a fact that probably makes me a perfect choice for shadoe riting–yikes). Now. Let us begin.
“Shadoe riter” – As has been said, this is a confusion of ghostwriter. We all know what one of those is. If you don’t, get thee to a dictionary.
“Need somone to rite my bogriphy.” – I’m surprised it wasn’t spelled “sumwun,” truthfully, but that one might be how “someone” is spelled in the LOLcat dialect of Internetese. Bogriphy is easy if you pronounce it like a local: baw-gruh-fee. The “baw” is actually… bio! (I know, you neeeever saw that coming.) Therefore, Sparky wants a ghostwriter to write his biography for him. This means that Sparky doesn’t know the difference between biography and autobiography, meaning that there isn’t a dictionary in that part of the sticks. So sad.
“Will pay food n lojins + a c. note.” – Once I got past trying to pronounce “lojins” as “loy-gins,” it became easier. Lojins is clearly that place you stay when traveling–lodgings. So, food n lojins = meals and board. And a c-note… wow, there’s money involved?! SIGN ME UP. A whole hunnert (hundred) dollars for being this guy’s shadoe riter!
“Mus not be ugly.” – Quite the conundrum. Is it ugly as in a lack of physical beauty, or is it ugly as in a lack of good attitude? We may never know. I surely don’t.
[/Official Southern-speak translator corey]
Hm. That was almost too snarky to require corey tags. Oh well. There they are. ‘Tis better to have a surplus of corey tags than to later find out that you needed them.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go cry, because today I just sense that I’ll run into somebody who’ll say “Oh, yeah, I SEEN [such-and-such].” I don’t know why they will want to tell me that they “seen” [such-and-such], because that wasn’t an interesting film, but alas. *dramatic sigh*
PS: I don’t live in the South. Hoosiers have crappy grammar, too. *sobs*
SaraJean — I think Steph could give you a run for the money in southerneese.
I think she’s better at it, it took me an embarassingly long time to figure out what Sparky meant by “lojins”.
I had ‘Lojins’ down from the get go… but ‘a c. note’ had me stuck. I was trying to figure out if apparetment renters needed some kind of special note to use air conditioning… and if that’s the case I had ‘nuther reason to avoid the south.
Oh, I just attached “note” to the following sentence thusly:
Moira, that makes so much sense!
Say, I could do this! I’m not a Shadoe Riter, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night………
Steph – fellow Southerner here, and to add to the corey – I think “ugly” refers to mean-spirited.
Really? “ugly” in Southern-speak means mean-spirited rather than Snooki-esque? I’m surprised to see Sparky being so non-shallow.
It’s a suth’n thing.
Except for our lovely MandaB and Grampdaddy :-p
But seriously, Mr.EB is from southern Indiana, and he’ll go on and on about the hickiness there if you let him…. He was glad to get out :-p
*stink eye*
😉
Oh he loves paaaarts of Indiana…. He just doesn’t like a town that thinks it’s ok to have a strip club across the street from the high school.*
*True-freaking-story. Saw it myself.
EB, I think they call that the Vocational Studies Building.
[True story corey] Many, many moons ago the tiny elementary school in the town where I live was a high school. One year the Vocational Studies (or whatever they called them back then) classes learned brick-laying techniques by constructing a small brick building that is maybe four hundred yards down the road from the school, a building that was built on state property to be used by another state agency. The state agency in question was Alcoholic Beverage Control (ABC), the state-run monopoly on (legal) hard liquor. That’s right, a bunch of high school kids built a liquor store that is now within shouting distance of an elementary school. [/corey]
I went to an all-girls’ school from age 11 to age 18. It was a moderately posh school – not fee paying, but you had to pass an entrance exam. Sadly, the area of town where it was located had seen better days and the school tended to be an oasis of calm in a swirling maelstrom of drugs and knives. Anyway, this oasis was on the same road as one of the largest brothels for some miles. True story.
EB…I was born in southern Indiana myself…strange place and every time I go back it gets stranger…but, the countryside is sure pretty.
It is pretty. I miss the green, but the mountains sure are pretty between May and February. Feb-April is just kinda blah.
EB & CJ — I’ll put southern West Virginia up against southern Indiana.
Wonder what that lovechild will look like?
Hairy.
*passes flask*
Your flask is getting a workout today.
Looked at how toned its glutes are getting!
I’ve heard of a hip flask, but that’s pushing it.
Are you suggesting the hip flask is too chic?
Why I do believe that Steph could be Sparky’s bogriphy spirit riter!
She hopefully will be able to include a word legend at the back of the book and will most likely be asked to provide her picture for the back of the “buk jackoff”—preferably standing next to Paula Deen and a stick of budduh.
I immediately thought Sparky needed some sort of exorcism because of the “rite” part. Possibly involving a doe. A possessed doe. Named bogriphy.
Is Bogriphy the long lost love child of Bo Diddley and Ken Griffey?
That sounds highly likely
I’m sure that by “c.note” Sparky meant a hundred-dollar bill (or its equivalent in coins from the can reycling man.) “C-Note” is also an album by Prince, though. Maybe Sparky thinks that he IS Prince, thus the need for a biography.
“Lojins” in translating as “lodgings” in my brain too, Mindfield.
AWESOME!! Ask him to sing Purple Rain! That would be worth more than a pure gold toilet.
I would just like to say thank you for all of your compliments on my appearance.
It’s obvious that we’re all behind you A’hat…….
Dear A.S.4,
I am in love with you and would like to offer my hand (and all parts appurtenant thereto) in marriage. I would be an excellent mother to A.S.5. Plus, how cool would it be to be named Tankerbell Sparkington?
Please respond at your earliest convenience.
With love,
T-bell
Dear T-bell,
I am impressed by your phallic gun and yet feminine flowy wings. I will consider marrying you but we must take this relationship slowly. I have been hurt by non sentient beings before you. For now we must keep your gun unloaded. A.S.5 will be shot out in due time. Please accept this rose between my butt cheeks as a sign of my affection.
Yours,
Asshat IV
A rose by any other name would smell assweet.
Ghost writers on the sly …
(Or is that redundant?)
A Sparky guido woke up on one dark and dusty day
And by the comp he rested as he went along his way
When all at once a truthful fact hit him in the eye
He couldn’t write his own work: Ghost Writers on the Sly.
Ghost Writers on the Sly.
This guido had adventures since he was twenty-four
Living off his trust fund for seven years or more
Tanning with his buddies and they don’t know when they’re fried
And now they don’t have brains: Ghost Writers on the Sly.
Ghost Writers on the Sly.
His spelling wasn’t shiny, his typing shouldn’t be read
He had no shift or commas – oh! The dictionary’s dead!
He pulled that Craigslist up and he typed up an ad
It turned out real confusing, and parsed out kinda sad.
Ghost Writers on the Sly.
So let this song remind you if you want a bogriphy:
Make sure that you have an IQ higher than a plum tree
Remember: you don’t get a book deal if you are just that dumb
For a writer will ignore you, but YSaC sees your chum.
Ghost Writers on the Sly.
(The original song is freaking hilarious, and you can stream it from their website if you’ve never heard it before…)
Heh! A most excellent rendition EB. I’ll be giggling the rest of the day……….
I keep reading it as “low jeans”. So that specific clothing, in fact maybe a uniform, is required. Sorta like Jennifer Lopez kind of thing.
I though it was, Snooki: a SHORT thing?
I am glad that she, herself, agrees that she is a thing and not a person. See it proves that there is always silver lining. Even if the cloud is as dark as somebody buying that godawful book! or Should I say ugly shade of orange cloud?
(Oh a side note, I can’t stop staring at the basketball/giant mushroom growth of hair on her head, or her eyelashes… They’re impossible… Why would…. WHY?¿?¿?)
Eyelashes?!?!? I thought she was on an episode of Fear Factor or something, and those were tarantulas on her face!!
I still say “she” looks like a very slutty carrot.
I now have a crush on you SJ which is complicated since I am straight.
Well, I’m not having the surgery again! ♥
I guess we’re both mistaken. I thought it was “Dooki: A Spoor Thing”
Actually, I still think it is.
At least today’s earworm is one that I can appreciate…
Many doors to Dan (BBUH).
If you’re looking for a ghost writer, you’ve got to go with the dead guy. Duh.
Sha-a-doe riter
Sha-a-doe riter
riter, riter…
Deer Sir or Madam
will you rite my book?
I cain’t be bothad to,
will you take a look?
I’ve done lived a life,
that’s a reel good yarn,
An’ you need a job
So you git to be a
sha-a-doe riter
Sha-a-doe riter
It’s a thousand pages
give or take a few
But I can feed yez
fer a week or two
I can give ya lojins
if you need a bunk
But ya cain’t be ugly,
Cuz I gotta have a
sha-a-doe riter
Sha-a-doe riter
If yeh rite it good,
you can have the rites,
It could make a c-note
for you overnight
If ya mus’ currect it
yeh can change the words,
But I need a bogrify
And I gotta have a
sha-a-doe riter
Sha-a-doe riter
Why food and lodgings? I mean, if you really want a ghost writer for your biography, what in the world makes you think that anyone who’s competent enough to hire is going to need a place to stay?
Are you saying that the hobo I let move into the tool shed won’t be able to write me beautiful sonnets in exchange for grilled cheese sandwiches?
Because his resume-napkin was very moving. And fragrant.
I hope I never, ever, ever read the phrase “resume-napkin” again.
No, I’m sorry, but I only take grilled ham and cheese sandwiches.
Thank you for your kind words regarding me resume, though!
**winks at sarajean80**
Teeheehee.
You hain’t yet met Bubba, have ya? He kin reed n rite (Hell, he made it thru 4th grade!). So’s if you need sum ritin done up, all purty n stuff, he kin do it fer ya, butcha gotta put him up fr awhile, seeins his girl tossed him outta the trailer fer gittin up ta no good with the avon lady! I dun tole him not ta drink the tekila!
It’s ’cause Spark’ got’s an extry ‘room’ in the winter-bagel
I wonder what kind of bagel a winter bagel would be… I vote for something with cinnamon.
My llama loves your llama.
Get a barn you two!
I love her llama, too. The expression on its face could answer absolutely any question or remark made.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?”
*llama*
“Hey, could you do me a favour?”
*llama*
“You look lovely today.”
*llama*
“Hey, what’s the name of that weird song about dromedaries and anatidae?”
*llama* *llama* *duck*
I figured if I burst out laughing every time I looked at my llama then it was the perfect icon. Dear Llama Nun, your llama is much too pretty for my llama. Imagine our little llamas traipsing about with your enigmatic smile and my eyes. We could give Mindfield a run for his money. Bees be upon you <3
Mindfield, I keep thinking her llama is saying “HERPY NERPY DERP!”
But that’s what’s so great about it. It’s such an absurd expression it could mean just about anything.
Lara’s llama is the new 42.
I think it’s one of them Mexican hairless llamas and someone with very cold hands just asked it to turn it’s head an cough.
In Soviet Russia, rite bogriphy shadoe u.
Spark’s missive is full of stumbles (sadly, he’s barked our shins against the furniture).
Lodgin’s hung me up a bit; but, so did “c.note” as equal to “hundred-dollar bill” versus “c.note” as equal to “car note.”
<shudder>:
“Mus not be ugly” conjured (cong’erd per the Layfayette, LA stylebook) some perverse and bizarre ponderings.
Firs, best, thought was that Spark’ wants a “riter” who ‘talks purdy’ meaning (one hopes) without an obscenity, explitive, imprecation or blasphemy every third word (or in lieu of punctuation).
But, several of the comments above have twisted the darker cornets of rememory and experience.
See, this is mis-categorized, this should be in the CL section Un-missed Conections.
Spark’ is living in the “back” bedroom of a borrowed single-wide in one of the remote bits of Applaachistan. He’s looking for a “rider” who is pretty (not-ugly) and will be recompensed in the portmanteau of “lotion” and “lodging” and in paying a car note or playing a C-note.
This could be a winter-bagel instead of a single-wide as well, which would explain the heed for a ghost (or goats, to keep the weeds short) . . .
ick, that’s rather squicky all around–let’s leave with a band name to ‘shake this off’:
live at the 40waTt:
Zombi Goats Riter
On todays’ episode of Y’all’s company:
Lynyrd “Reb” Tripout, (Played by Shadoe Riter) marries Sissy Snow (Played by Suzy Jo Winter) But he is still in love with Jane DaWoody (played by Joy C DimWitt)
Lynyrd: I know youz my half sister but I stillz luv youz n r chilens woahnt all haz flippers.
Sissy: Yah, I done luves u 2 Lynyrd but Mr. Doper myte raze r rent if hez thankin’ we gots pets.
Jane: Did sumonez say pets? (Jane lifts her shirt)
Lynyrd: Woooeeee Jane, dems az fyne az a virginny ham, wil u murry me 2z!
Sissy: what about dees? (Lifts her shirt )
Lynyrd: (Lifts his shirt too)
*everyone spits chaw and giggles*
*Cut to commercial*
Look, Lynyrd has a
third nippleremote areola!I’ve only got a wired areola. Can’t afford the remote version :(.
I may just wait until it has blue tooth compatibility anyway.
If you have a wired areola you would probably get along great with Meredith.
An semi non-autobiography by Sparky as goats writted by Taco:
My Unfortunate Existants
So, my mama tol me dat I came out a kickn’ un screamin’ like. Well that make a lota cents cause I always be angerd n’ sich. I memer when eye’s twelfe an kilt dat possom ’cause he was chasin daddies chicken ans I always gettin switched ’cause it’s mah job to chase offa dem posams. So I got me a hunk of mah daddies car, think it was one of the struts, an I go tiying a brick to it. Well that posums coming roun and I just lay into him wid the brick all flaily like. Well then the brick flew offa it seein as I never learned me too many nots, and broke mammas begonia pot. I was sew scard that I just up and ran away right there. Nothin but mah clothes and dat strut with a bit o rope left onnit.
I floated roun a wile, mostly polin’ roun the swamp muckin up whe’er I could fine myself and sellin’ it as souveneers to them there fancy city folk afore I met mis Mabeline. She was so purdy I could near not hold my bladder jus lookin at her. Boy I tell you, erery time I saw her in town wearin’ those fine overalls and that billowie top, I just bout lose my grip on the guck bucket. Course, this is afore I learned that she was really a man named Gus, but that werked isself out jus fine.
…
Isn around dat time that the allergater farmin got real moneyed like, so I’s decided to take it up. Well after them gators ate the pigs I thought maybe farmin’ them wanint for me, but I kept at it. Ventually I learned dat the gator don’t sitten real well with other critters, seeing as they ate em all, so I just stuck with the gators. Real shame about the horses too.
Ventually dough, the market got reel gud ans I figgered on jus sellin the ranch, cause I learned that with your free range gaters you ranch em and not farm em, go figgir that huh? Anyhoo I dun sold the ranch for purd near four million dallars. My wife Gus says to me, you shuld write one of them autobiograneries, ans I been thinkin thas sich a good idea I jus might.
The End.
My apologies to anyone who actually reads that. It was painful to write.
:cerebralmelty goosplatter:
What’s really sad is that I find what I just wrote infinitely more understandable than most of the posts over at Cheezeburger or the Hannah Montana forums.
I think you’re right Taco, I can’t even begin to understand the cheezeburger people.
No, what’s really REALLY sad is that you know what to compare it to :-p
No… What’s really sad is that he admits to reading the Hannah Montannah forums…
It was painful to read. Laughing that hard after four days of intermittent coughing is not a pleasant experience.
Ya dun spelt’m werds real good they’re. Real good. You muss have summa that there fancy book learnin’, ain’tcha?
We don’ lak yer kand ’round here.
HEY MINDFIELD, WE DON’T TAKE KINDLY TO YOUR TYPE AROUND HERE.
Now calm down, Skeeter. He aint hurtin’ nobody.
Taco — what’s in that herbal tea you’re drinking? Will you pass it around?
Chamomile and Lemon Myrtle, amazingly. I think maybe my co-workers are cutting some of the rock salt from the parking lot into my Instant Breakfast.
Lemon Myrtle? Wasn’t she on some website? Something about a party, I think.
I thought Chamomile, Lemon and Myrtle where what the three wise guys brought to baby Spice Chris.
He said on the day of fête des Rois trois, when we are to celebrate Melchior, Caspar, and Balthazar and the Epiphany (or Theophany for the oriental orthodoxical).
Seeing as how Spark is an anti-epiphany; and I’m not orthodox enou to celebrate Theophany; and wassail seems inapt in our irreligious culture <sigh>
Oh well, will be Nollaig na mBan if naught else; and reason enough to visit the Chinese buffet later to commemorate Josh’ in food (and the revealed mysteries lodged in odd baked items).
Y’ll kin fuss o’v’r’t Spark’s mumblin’s ‘mongst y’s’lves, y’hear? Ah’m away t’errands, han’ ain’ goan hav tyme fer no cog-y-tate-in on Bo Griffy’s junior–wid or witout lo’tions.
Y’all com back now, y’hear?
My friend photographed a sign at the exit of a Wendy’s drive-thru in Northern Ohio which said “Y’all come back now, ya hear?” No place is safe from that plague.
Stupid fortune cookie said “Today would be a good one to spend with a companion”–not nice after having spent the day (and the meal) alone.
Made me happy the washin;’ machine don’ e’t’t.
OT: What The What.
Hahahahaha!
:snergle:
As long as he does it quietly and doesn’t update his status during. I’d never be able to think of Penny Arcade’s inappropriate tweeting strip the same way again.
Twittering during?. Don’t give Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore any ideas. *shudder*
When I clicked the link……I got “It’s T-shirt time!” Coincidence? I think not…….
Yeah, I took a screenshot of a friend’s status on Facebook :-p He’s had another similar status. From what I gather, it’s something about it being closing time at the shop he works in… Maybe… Not really sure…
Okay, ‘fess up.
This is really Jessica Simpson’s ad, isn’t it?
Larry the Cable Guy?
This may help some sparkies spruce up their posts:
R-Rated Internet Writing Lesson
Note: Real profanity used during lesson – enter at your own risk………..
Brilliant snarking … I’m back ( been sunning in Canary Islands) so Happy New Year and by way of resolutions etc …. doctor on tv said the way to have inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.
So before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a …choclets.
Yu haf no idr how bludy guod I feel rite now.
Heck, my first day back at my job, and I totally forgot to punch out last night. Uh. And The Don’t Suck Box has already updated, so. My memory isn’t what it used to be. Mindfield, and Mr. AS4, here’s an early morning Punchity Punch Punch!
Good Morning, Joisey!
“Loggins.” Food and Kenny Loggins. First class all the way, the book will be written to a continuous soundtrack of “Footloose,” “Danger Zone”and “Meet Me Half Way.” None of that Jim Messina crap for you.