YSaC, Vol. 898: Say something once, why say it again?

2011 January 7

Let’s say you’re a serial killer. OK, if you’re reading this website, you’re more likely a surreal killer, or possibly a (vintage) cereal killer, but let’s just pretend.

“I need to get me some victims, but I don’t want to go through all that tedious driving 20 miles an hour in a windowless van down country roads looking for sorority girls with car trouble. How can I use the exciting world of the internet to my advantage? I know! I’ll post an ad on Craigslist!”

FREE FOR GIRLS


FREE U WANT IT PLEASE CALL ME OR TEXT ###-###-#### AND U CAN COME PICK IT UP…

Our hypothetical killer is doing so well up to this point. I’m sure he would have had the nubile coeds lining up at his door. But then he goes just a LITTLE too far:

FIRST COME FIRST SEVERED…

Oh well.

(There was a picture with this too, that I didn’t notice until after I finished writing the post. It’s of a small plastic toy vanity. Since it kind of spoils the joke, I’m leaving it out.)

Thanks for the horror, jokemme!

155 Responses leave one →
  1. 2011 January 7
    Lola permalink

    Kind of hard to pick things up if you’ve had certain body parts severed. Bit thoughtless of you, Sparky.

    Adores: 7
    • 2011 January 7
      sarajean80 permalink

      Sparky doesn’t mention exactly what will be severed. Perhaps this is just the creepiest offer for a free haircut ever written.

      Adores: 15
      • 2011 January 7
        Lara permalink

        Or a really creepy manicure.

        Adores: 6
      • 2011 January 7
        Mindfield permalink

        “Oh my God! What the hell happened here?”
        “He just asked for a little off the top.”
        “So … so you … you …”
        “A chainsaw, yes. Well, come on, these scissors aren’t good for cutting anything but hair, are they?”
        “I’m going to be sick.”
        “Hey, don’t get mad at me, I didn’t tell him to grow the horns.”

        Adores: 7
        • 2011 January 7
          Lara permalink

          He really wanted to be a lumberjack

          Adores: 4
      • 2011 January 7
        CapnMac permalink

        It’s a debased (what isn’t these days?) version of the scene in Blazing Saddles,
        Spakr’s visitor arrives, and declares; holding some implement incisi to himself: “Nobody move, or the asshat gets it!”
        At which point Spark better be like the Black Knight in Holt Grail, as motion will not stop.

        Adores: 1
  2. 2011 January 7

    Snark fails me…given the reality of the craigslist killer.

    *shudders…and not from the cold*

    Adores: 6
    • 2011 January 7
      Lara permalink

      There was a prostitution ring on Craiglist here that was busted and I kid you not the pimp was named Rusty Nails.

      Adores: 7
      • 2011 January 7
        sarajean80 permalink

        With a name like that he was bound to become either a pimp or a NASCAR driver.

        Adores: 2
        • 2011 January 7
          Lola permalink

          Actually, he tried having his own construction business, but nobody would hire him.

          Adores: 13
        • 2011 January 7
          Irregular Fractal permalink

          I hear some of the clients had a little problem with Dick Trickle after the fact.

          Adores: 7
      • 2011 January 7
        meredith permalink

        Sounds like a video game character. I’m thinking one from Twisted Metal, and he drives a hardware store truck and wears overalls. His weapon of choice: triple nail guns mounted to a pressure washer filled with rubbing alcohol, for a nice deep sting upon impact.

        Hey, it’s not that far fetched…this is a game with a killer clown driving an ice cream truck.

        Adores: 4
        • 2011 January 7
          LurkRealClose permalink

          A killer ice cream truck clown? Oh, dear. Ice cream should be a happy, safe thing. I am somewhat disturbed.

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 January 7
          meredith permalink

          Yep, LRC. His name…is Sweet Tooth.

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 January 7
          LurkRealClose permalink

          Noooooooooo 🙁

          Adores: 3
  3. 2011 January 7

    FIRST COME FIRST SEVERED…

    Chop-chop…

    Adores: 4
    • 2011 January 7

      Kinda brings a whole new meaning to “getting your rocks off.”

      Adores: 6
      • 2011 January 7
        Lara permalink

        Thank you for that image Taco.

        Adores: 2
        • 2011 January 7

          I’m a helper!

          Adores: 8
        • 2011 January 7
          Artsy Computer Geek permalink

          Thanks Taco — that even made me cross my legs.

          Do you this this person/thing was born up near you? I wonder if it was in the birth place of serial killers CL.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 January 7
          kelli permalink

          Do you this this person/thing was born up near you?

          Artsy, could you please post in English and not Tacoese?

          Adores: 7
        • 2011 January 7
          Artsy Computer Geek permalink

          Kelli – I’m blaming it on the weather. It’s suppose to snow again tonight. It a well know fact around here that North Carolina and South Carolina share one snow plow.

          Adores: 8
        • 2011 January 7
          sarajean80 permalink

          And it’s not scheduled to come back to NC until …
          :checks calender:
          July.

          Adores: 6
        • 2011 January 7

          It’s for the best. The plow is an evil creature bent on the destruction of all.

          Snow is in league with the plow. Beware its evil fluffy whiteness.

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 January 7
          mudslicker permalink

          Beware its evil fluffy whiteness

          Oh yeah. Just ask Conrad Aiken.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 January 7

          Yes, but if it snows tomorrow, All-District Honor Band Auditions will be pushed to next Saturday, meaning another week to practice.

          So if it snows and the audition is moved back, then snow can’t be evil.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 January 7
          Moira permalink

          Except that the folks you’re competing against will ALSO have more practice time.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 January 7

          And in true North Carolina fashion, All-District is postponed for the week, and no precipitation in the entire central district yet.

          Adores: 6
        • 2011 January 8
          Artsy Computer Geek permalink

          Astro — you gotta love it. Someone, somewhere thought they saw a snow flurry and everything in the state shut down because of it. Good luck next week; we’ll all be with you (hopefully only in spirit).

          Adores: 1
    • 2011 January 7
      CapnMac permalink

      And, since the “second” is not so served; it’s Spark engaged in autoamputation.

      Which remains as perverse as advertising the fact on CL.

      But, CL remains the jedi Mind Trick where no illegality (or ileagelty); immorality; depravity; deprication; or disservice is denied or impermissible.

      Adores: 0
      • 2011 January 7
        Moira permalink

        …Provided it can be cloaked in sufficiently obscure verbiage as to not get flagged…

        Adores: 3
  4. 2011 January 7

    You left out the pic? But I’m greatly intrigued by the notion of a small plastic toy in the shape of one of Prince’s former singing “protegees” – ought to ramp up the creepiness by a factor of 10 or so…

    Adores: 7
    • 2011 January 7
      Lola permalink

      But Vanity’s supposed to be born-again now! Does that help?

      Adores: 2
      • 2011 January 7
        meredith permalink

        Wouldn’t that be “refurbished” or “UPcycled” in that case?

        Adores: 4
        • 2011 January 7
          Lola permalink

          Depends on one’s point of view, I guess.

          Adores: 1
    • 2011 January 7
      CapnMac permalink

      [‘synergy’ of synchronicity corey]
      One of my part-time projects, back before the Second Depression hit was in bathroom remodeling.

      An item in vogue at the time was taking antique bits of furniture and converting them into bathroom casework (this work is neck-deep in terms-of-art, sorry) into which, or upon which a lavatory-sink/basin was set.

      For a brief while, the über-hip furniture item to use was a vanity–which used to be a flat-topped box containing a drawer for combs, brushes, etc., and a mirror support, all stood on some quantity of legs. This complicates use in modern bathrooms for exposing plumbing to plain view (can be done, but “pretty” plumbing parts run to 4-5x the price).

      Which then caused a slight market shift wherebt the old bit of furniture known as a “commode” was more popular for the conversion.
      Since that bit of casework had a compartment for the ewer, a “fiddled” top for the basin, and a drawer for the chamber pot, there were a number of places to run plumbing and still have storage.

      So, this combination ot severing, of plastic vanity (and plastic plumbing basins) has a ring most peculiar for me. You get given a rickety junk-shop find and take an array of saws to it, fit it with modern plumbing, and the results run from ick to ahh.
      [/confusion of experience corey]

      Adores: 2
      • 2011 January 7
        Moira permalink

        On the one hand, I’m kinda sad that antiques are getting irreparably altered to create bathroom fixtures (or anything else) but I suppose it’s better than if they were simply rotting somewhere.

        Hrm… now I’m thinking about ways to alter *my* bathroom again. It’s the most awkwardly set-up teeny little room with a very inconvenient gap between the basin cabinet and the wall – just about two inches. Wide enough to lose stuff down but not wide enough to easily clean. :p

        Adores: 1
        • 2011 January 7
          sarajean80 permalink

          Duck tape could fix that and it comes in a wide array of designer colors. 🙂

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 January 7

          And patterns! And glow in the dark! Ahh! My explamations have taken over!

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 January 7
          CapnMac permalink

          Several answers for that sort of “unintended design feature”–sadly few are easy, none are inexpensive, and all want for careful planning.
          And access to a big fat plumbing supply catalog.

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 January 7
          Big Uncle John permalink

          Moira, if you would create a subject in the forum and post a link to a picture I’m sure one of us could come to your rescue with an idea.

          As Red Green says, “If the women don’t find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.”

          Adores: 4
  5. 2011 January 7

    This tactic doesn’t work nearly as well as everyone assumes.

    What?

    Adores: 7
    • 2011 January 7

      I read that as tictac and figured you had bad breath…

      Adores: 7
      • 2011 January 7
        Mindfield permalink

        “Bad breath? Cut it off at the source!”

        Adores: 8
        • 2011 January 7
          meredith permalink

          Yeah, get rid of that pesky tongue and you’ll “cut down” on bad breath by at least 75%!

          I’m on board with Tacos “helper” plan.

          Adores: 6
        • 2011 January 7
          kelli permalink

          Psst -Meredith, you dropped your apostrophe.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 January 7
          Mindfield permalink

          …and that’s how they were able to link her to the murders. With her print found on the apostrophe that police had determined was used to cut the tongues out of her victims, the DA’s case was now a slam dunk.

          Adores: 5
        • 2011 January 7
          Lola permalink

          Mindfield, that totally sounds like something out of Jasper Fforde’s Tuesday Next series. Jurisfiction, indeed!

          Adores: 3
  6. 2011 January 7
    Mindfield permalink

    The phone rang, and he leaned over to grab the receiver.
    “Hello?” he said in his distinctive way.
    “Oh, hi, yes,” the nervous voice on the end replied. “Um, I’m calling about the, uh, the girl’s toy vanity you were giving away?”
    “Oh, of course! So lovely to hear from you — I’m sorry, what did you say your name was?”
    “Uh … Ka … Kathy.”
    “Kathy, yeeeess. Such a lovely name. I knew a girl named Kathy, once. Such a shame what happened to her. You say you were interested in the vanity, did you?”
    “Uhhh … uh, yeah, I’m, uh, interested. I think. Could I, um, see it first?” She sounded quite unnerved for some reason.
    “Oh, absolutely, my dear! I think you’ll find that it quite tickles your … fancy.”
    “Uhhh,” her voice warbled. “Yeah. Are … are you the … uh, the original owner?” she finally managed to squeak out.
    “Oh, no-ho-ho,” he chuckled. “It belonged to a young boy with whom I was once quite … close.”
    “Uh … um,” Kathy stammered. “Wh … wh-what happened to h–him?”
    “Oh, it was nothing so tragic as you might think,” he said, trying to ease her worries. “We went a bit … off, you see, though I suppose you could say he was always a bit off, really, but he’d gone a bit further off than one could say was healthy — depending on your particular definition of health, I suppose — so he had to go away for a while. For treatment, my dear, to help him get better.”
    “Oh,” Kathy said in a small, high-pitched voice. She sounded as though she might pass out. “D…did he?”
    He smiled sadly. “Come back? Oh, eventually, yes. Get better? Well, the jury has never been able to agree on that beyond a reasonable doubt.”
    “Oh, God.” Kathy squeaked, then hung up.

    “Any luck?” It was his assistant. It was she who had found the vanity while cleaning out part of the basement and asked him what he wanted to do with it.
    He really didn’t need the money, and it was a cute little vanity; the boy who did, in fact, own it so many years ago certainly didn’t want it; Glenn was rather busy with his television and radio shows. So he thought some little girl would quite like it, so he posted online just to try and give it away. Except he just couldn’t seem to do that for some bizarre reason.
    “No,” Vince said sadly. “She hung up. Eighth one today, I just don’t understand it. I try to be nice, use a little humour to lighten the mood, but I’m being quite cordial, don’t you think?”
    “Of course you are,” his assistant said. “Don’t you worry, Mr. Price, I’m sure a sane person will take it off your hands eventually.”
    “I certainly hope so,” Vincent said with a sigh. “I’d hate to have to throw it out like an unwanted body.”

    Adores: 26
    • 2011 January 7
      Lara permalink

      Vincent Price FTW!

      Adores: 4
    • 2011 January 7

      Vincent Price, FTW…and Glenn….heh..heh..heh…I see what you did there…well played, sir, well played indeed.

      Adores: 3
      • 2011 January 8
        LurkRealClose permalink

        I don’t get the Glenn reference. Help?

        Adores: 1
        • 2011 January 8
          Mindfield permalink

          It was a dig at Glenn Beck. If you’re not sure who he is, check his Wiki page, not his videos; his derp is toxic, and he may cry at any moment. Best to avoid even virtual contact with it.

          Adores: 1
    • 2011 January 8
      Lou Stool permalink

      So how many of you had to go back and re-read this with Vincent Price’s voice? *raises hand*

      Adores: 2
  7. 2011 January 7

    Whistles innocently.

    Adores: 2
    • 2011 January 7
      Lara permalink

      That was oddly creepy.

      Adores: 1
    • 2011 January 7
      Windrose permalink

      I’m confused. Why don’t they know the words?

      Adores: 1
    • 2011 January 7
      Artsy Computer Geek permalink

      Sounds like Sparkies theme song.

      [corey] laughing and drinking diet coke still don’t work well together in 2011[/corey]

      Adores: 4
    • 2011 January 7
      Moira permalink

      {sigh} earworm, now.
      And the only cure will be Peter Paul & Mary or the Kingston Trio.

      Adores: 2
      • 2011 January 7

        Kingston Trio! Ladies and gentlemen, meet my girl-crush du juor!

        They’re rioting in Africa…
        They’re starving in Spain!

        There’s hurricanes in Florida!
        And Texas needs rain!

        The whole world is festering with unhappy souls;
        The French hate the Germans the Germans hate the Poles.

        Italians hate Yugoslavs, South Africans hate the Dutch!

        And I don’t like anybody very much!

        But we should be tranquil-ed and thankfilled and proud,
        for man’s been endowed with a mushroom-shaped cloud.
        And we know for certain that some lovely day;
        Someone will set the spark off,
        And we will all be blown away!

        They’re rioting in Africa,
        There’s strife in Iran.
        What nature doesn’t do to us;
        Will be done by our fellow maaaaaaaaaaannn!

        Adores: 9
        • 2011 January 7
          Moira permalink

          Ahhh, the version I like.
          The one I have on my phone is a slightly more recent version and they replace “Texas” with “Disneyland” – god knows why…

          But the chatter at the end of the song makes it worthwhile.
          Paraphrased:

          We’ve been singing this song for over 30 years and, thanks to our consistent foreign policy, we haven’t had to change the lyrics very much; which makes it easy on a singer…

          Also, I love that it’s call the “Merry Minuet”.

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 January 7
          Lola permalink

          My parents have that record (still!). Ah, “The Merry Minuet.” Earworm commencing in 3 … 2 …

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 January 7

          I heard “The Merry Minuet” quite by accident. My Dad was fond of the group, and LOVED “Tom Dooley”. On the album, yes a real vinyl album, this song was right after it. I played it over and over and laughed my arse off.

          Good times.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 January 7
          Lola permalink

          CJ, not only was my parents’ album vinyl, I’m also pretty sure it was mono, too!

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 January 7
          Moira permalink

          My dad still has a bunch of his vinyl albums. I was very, very happy about that when I wanted MP3s of The Hobbit soundtrack but could not find it on CD anywhere. I even managed somehow to scan the jacket for my cover art.

          Last Christmas, Dad and I saw the Kingston Trio in concert at the Exploratorium in San Francisco. Bob Shaw is the only original member still associated and he’s sort of just an honorary producer these days. They still sound great, though.

          I got a T-shirt.

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 January 7

          *Ahem*

          Well, just make sure you only use it with the door locked.

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 January 7

          I never got to see them in person. I think the closest they got to me was Austin, and since I was busy raising babies I didn’t go.

          I didn’t even know they were still performing.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 January 7
          Moira permalink

          None of the original members are performing, but the group is still active. Two of the three current members have played either in the Trio or as backup for many, many years.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 January 7
          LurkRealClose permalink

          I still have my dad’s old Kingston Trio vynal albums. I saw them in concert a few years ago. They opened for the Smother’s Brothers. I’m pretty sure I was the youngest person in the audiance by about 20 years. I got my brother a CD and had it signed. They were GREAT!

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 January 7
          LurkRealClose permalink

          Seriously, self? “vynal”? WTF? Make a note:

          SPELL CHECK ALL THE THINGS!!

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 January 8
          Moira permalink

          Can’t find a better video of the Merry Minuet than this and it’s the last three minutes of the segment.

          These lyrics were actually written in ’55 by the same guy who wrote Fiddler on the Roof. We’re closing in on 60 years (SIXTY) since the song was written.

          Here’s the current lineup singing one of my recent faves. Looks like this was filmed on another stop in the tour that I caught.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 January 8
          Moira permalink

          And a full tour schedule for this year – but nothing in Texas. Maybe a vacation to Las Vegas is in order for October?

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 January 8
          LurkRealClose permalink

          Oooooo, they’re playing the Lebanon Opera House. Nice little venue.

          Adores: 1
  8. 2011 January 7
    Lola permalink

    In response to the post, but particularly because of the headline, I just have to say: “Psycho killer, quest-ce que c’est?”
    There, I feel better now.

    Adores: 13
    • 2011 January 7
      Lara permalink

      Well Norman Bates was a Psycho killer

      Edit: I just got the reference. D’oh!

      Adores: 3
    • 2011 January 7
      Mindfield permalink

      Run run run, run run run away!

      Adores: 4
    • 2011 January 7
      meredith permalink

      One of my all time favorite songs, and one that gets passed around as an earworm among my friends on almost a weekly basis.

      I hate people when they’re not polite….like when they want to sever me.

      Adores: 3
      • 2011 January 7
        Bombdude permalink

        I hope that it comes with a package at least…

        Adores: 4
    • 2011 January 7
      Big Uncle John permalink

      Ce que j’ai fait, ce soir-là [What I did that night]
      Ce qu’elle a dit, ce soir-là [What she said that night]
      Réalisant mon espoir [Making my hope come true]
      Je me lance vers la gloire … okay [I hurl myself toward glory]
      YA YA YA YA YA YA YA YA YA YA YA
      We are vain and we are blind
      I hate people when they’re not polite

      I have always loved the fact that the creepiest verse in that song is in French —

      Adores: 7
  9. 2011 January 7
    Lara permalink

    So how much do you have to pay for it if you are a boy?

    Adores: 2
    • 2011 January 7
      Windrose permalink

      Oh, you couldn’t afford that.

      Adores: 4
    • 2011 January 7

      Windy’s right. If you have to ask, you can’t afford it.

      Adores: 4
      • 2011 January 7
        meredith permalink

        If you have to ask, you have a P*

        *edited for those sensitive to penis…ooops!

        Adores: 5
        • 2011 January 7
          Mindfield permalink

          At least you didn’t say p*cil.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 January 7

          I believe the PC term is, ‘Dangling participle of the femininly challenged.’

          Adores: 11
        • 2011 January 7
          Mindfield permalink

          Until you meet with Sparky. Then it’s a spliced comma.

          Adores: 5
        • 2011 January 7
          CapnMac permalink

          ¿Semprini?

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 January 7

          *Arrests Capn and pulls him off stage*

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 January 8
          CapnMac permalink

          Are you dressed as a Bobby or a Soxer while arresting?

          I’m resisting the violence inherent in the system if it involves anyone wearing rodent costume.

          And if you try to sell me one more Hungarian phrase book, I’m siccing my E9 on you, and you’d need a truckload of D20S just to roll the DP from one raised eyebrow.

          Adores: 3
  10. 2011 January 7
    kelli permalink

    FIRST COME FIRST SEVERED…

    I guess he just doesn’t like it when girls come first.

    *I’ll be in my corner

    Adores: 14
    • 2011 January 7
      Mindfield permalink

      Or perhaps he does as, by his rules, if he came first, he’d had to be severed.

      Unless he’s into that sort of thing, that is. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

      No, wait. There’s everything wrong with that.

      Adores: 9
      • 2011 January 7
        sarajean80 permalink

        I would invoke Rule 34, but there is no way I would ever ask Uncle Google about penis mutilation pron.

        Adores: 7
        • 2011 January 7
          Lola permalink

          Wise choice, Sarajean. Very wise.
          *nods*

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 January 7
          mudslicker permalink

          You women sure know how to end out a week!

          *shivers*

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 January 7

          Welp. You all have fun this weekend.

          I’ve gotta split.

          Err… nevermind.

          Adores: 7
        • 2011 January 7
          Mindfield permalink

          It’s been a slice?

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 January 7
          Bombdude permalink

          Of Heaven…

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 January 7
          mudslicker permalink

          …and Earth…

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 January 7

          You guys are a cut above the rest!

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 January 7

          , Wind, and Fire?

          (Hahaha, you can’t fool me!)

          *shakes fist* Dang you, Taco….

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 January 7
          mudslicker permalink

          Taint that the truth!!!

          p.s. awwww….EB…you were so close….

          🙂

          Adores: 3
  11. 2011 January 7
    mudslicker permalink

    *…*

    Adores: 1
    • 2011 January 7

      *….*

      Adores: 1
      • 2011 January 7
        mudslicker permalink

        I changed my spot in the lineup. hehe…

        I know…I saw that I didn’t nest it correctly and I didn’t want it to not make sense if someone jumped ahead of me.

        Adores: 1
        • 2011 January 7

          *llama*

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 January 7
          Moira permalink

          Llama, llama, duck!

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 January 7

          Mushroom?

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 January 7
          Bombdude permalink

          And just where are you two off to??

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 January 7

          *llama-face*

          (MF was right, Lara’s Llama-face really is applicable in all situations!)

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 January 7
          Bombdude permalink

          Don’t you give me that face, young lady!

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 January 7
          sarajean80 permalink

          EB, I would listen to the nice man with access to high explosives.

          Adores: 7
        • 2011 January 7

          😀

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 January 7
          Artsy Computer Geek permalink

          Yeah EB — I hear he has a very short fuse …..

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 January 7

          .–.

          Adores: 2
  12. 2011 January 7
    CoffDrop permalink

    Seems one can find a poem for any occasion, on the intertubes…..

    Lullabies to the Severed (Poem)

    I spoke to them,
    They spoke to me,
    Blood clogging lungs,
    Failure at screaming,
    I showed them the blade,
    When they couldn’t see anything,

    Vitality stained my hands,
    It imbued the purest metal,
    It satisified my sickest pleasure,
    More than any human can ever measure,
    I bathed my skin in the sorrow,
    Knowing they won’t see tomorrow,

    Cruelty is what I am,
    Flesh dissolving, Hatchet is falling,
    Into the skulls of the weak,
    Obliterate life,
    That’s the only way I see things,
    No apathy for their small plea,

    So I spoke to them,
    I cut them piece by piece,
    Tearing away all of their faith,
    Stomping their brains,
    And slitting their veins,
    Forever they’ll go on remembering pain,

    Mangled beyond recognition,
    So the vermin can feast,
    I see this, This is how you define beauty,
    Fell to my knees, praying to the deceased,
    I released life from it’s leash with brutality,
    All from this sick abomination inside of me,

    Adores: 3
    • 2011 January 7

      You see a lot of those when the emo kids decide to try to be expressive.

      Adores: 2
      • 2011 January 7
        Moira permalink

        Sounds like normal teenage angst to me. Well, creepy and morbid teenage angst anyway – like Winona Ryder in Beetlejuice.

        Hrm. When I was that age, I *adored* this song. I find it a tad melodramatic now, but still pretty.

        Adores: 2
        • 2011 January 7
          Artsy Computer Geek permalink

          That was so popular when I was an undergrad (just a few years ago).

          Adores: 1
    • 2011 January 7
      Moira permalink

      There’s a Rule 34 for poetry, too?
      Who’d’a thunk?

      Adores: 2
      • 2011 January 7

        You mean you haven’t seen the Robert Frost/Langston Hughes slashfiction?

        Adores: 2
        • 2011 January 7
          LurkRealClose permalink

          And what do they call that? Frughes? Langbert? I think Langbert sounds like a muppet.

          Adores: 2
  13. 2011 January 7

    A serial killer who believes in truth in advertising, eh? Buyer be warned I say.

    Adores: 4
  14. 2011 January 7
    Mindfield permalink

    Alright, which one of you did this?

    Adores: 3
  15. 2011 January 7

    Tomorrow I get to fall off the wagon again. So expect me to mellow a bit next week, though granted I’ve been so busy this week only those in my immediate vicinity have been subjected to my… instability.

    I also think it would be an easier endeavor if I’d picked a warm month rather than a cold one. I may move my yearly fast to July where 90º+ days make drinking coffee more of a junkie challenge than something done to warm the hands and stomach.

    Adores: 4
    • 2011 January 7
      mudslicker permalink

      Wouldn’t that be like asking the Polar Bear Club to jump into Lake Michigan during August instead of January? Sort of wussy anti-climactic….

      Adores: 2
      • 2011 January 7

        Touché madam.

        Then again, their point is to jump into cold water to brave the elements and prove their mettle. Mine is to forgo coffee just long enough to drop my tolerance to a more manageable level. Since I’m not really trying to prove anything I’m not really worried about how easy I make the task for myself.

        Adores: 2
        • 2011 January 7
          mudslicker permalink

          Oh yeah. I forgot about that. I kind of envisioned it as one of those challenges you seem to like to put yourself through mentally and physically.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 January 7

          I would think about it that way if 2 weeks without caffiene weren’t a pretty lame bragging right :).

          Now, full contact extreme crochet on the other hand…

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 January 7

          *blink* I know what crocheting is, I really do.

          But I originally read that as “crotchet.” As in, “crotch-et.” As in, quite possibly, “full contact extreme crotch rocket.”

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 January 7

          Are you ready for PAIN?!

          Are you ready for ACTION?!

          Are you ready for TOTAL DOMINATION?!

          Then grab that crochet hook and prepare for the largest center pull challenge EVER! These contestants will have to crochet queen sized afghans while defending themselves against Thugs, Ninjas, Attack Dogs, Tanks, Zombies, Flying Sharks, Killer Bees, and Random Political Slash Campaigns!

          So if you’re ready for extreme sports, tune into Crochtreme Challenge! Your hook may be the only thing between you and DEATH!

          Adores: 10
        • 2011 January 7
          sarajean80 permalink

          I heard that in a Monster Truck Rally Announcer Voice.

          Finally, a Pay-Per-View sport I can get into!

          Adores: 5
        • 2011 January 7
          Mindfield permalink

          Knit one, purl two, ROUNDHOUSE TO THE FACE.

          (Okay, I know that’s knitting. I know nothing about crochet. Or crotch-et.)

          Edit: Yes, needs more “sunday, SUNDAY, SUNDAY!

          Adores: 6
        • 2011 January 7
          mudslicker permalink

          SUNDAY!!!! SUNDAY!!!!! SUNDAY!!!!

          Gentlemen, start your crochet hooks!

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 January 7
          sarajean80 permalink

          “…And it looks like … Yes, Jenny “Li’l Sparrow” Wrenn is going for the double reverse half-double crochet!”

          “That’s a tricky maneuver for a rookie to pull off, especially in the Laceweight class. Do you think she has the hook to back it up, Chip?”

          “Li’l Sparrow has never been to the Yarndome before so a little stage fright is expected, I don’t think anyone anticipated such a daring move this early in the game. And it looks like she’s … Yes, she’s over the tarantula pits and it looks like …!”

          “Ohh, that was so close! It looks like her dismount from the unicycle left her flank exposed, Chip.”

          “Yep, and those cybernetic piranha are not very forgiving. Better luck next year, Li’l Sparrow!”

          Adores: 15
        • 2011 January 7

          I read it as croquet on the first time through.

          Adores: 4
    • 2011 January 7
      Moira permalink

      I would be very interested in seeing pretty-pretty color scans of Taco’s brain before his caffeine fast, during it, and while on caffeine after it. Like these ones.

      Adores: 4
      • 2011 January 7

        Ahh if only I was still doing research in FMRI. I could have made that a reality.

        Adores: 2
      • 2011 January 7

        Like at the bottom of this page?

        Adores: 1
        • 2011 January 7
          Moira permalink

          Yes, EB, very much like that. But with Taco’s brain and with more of Taco’s brain so that we can compare before and after.

          See, because of his claims that caffeine “levels him out,” I want to see how, precisely, that looks. I also want to see what his brain does when he’s in caffeine withdrawal.

          Of course, I also want to see scans of my hubby’s brain to see what his meds are doing and scans of mine just for shits-n-giggles.

          Brain function is interesting.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 January 7

          OT – A brain story….

          Several years ago I was having some strange, um…”symptoms” shall we say? I had been through a battery of tests and scans ad nauseum.

          I had a brain MRI done and was scheduled to visit the neurologist for the results.

          I had never seen this particular doctor before and as I waited to see him I noticed the slighlty ajar door to a small office adjacent to the exam room.

          Quietly I pushed the door open just enough to see the doctor, his back to me, staring intently at a brain on his large computer monitor. He flipped through a series of colored images, and then through a series of black and white “slices” of the brain.

          I stood there transfixed and he finally noticed me.

          “Oh, I was just going over your scans,” he said, “and everything looks absolutely normal.”

          Unable to pass up such a good opportunity I said, “Yes, doctor, but see that, right there?”

          “What?” he replied with some alarm.

          “Well, isn’t my brain just a little bit bigger than most?” I said, grinning.

          He looked at me and the corners of his mouth started to twitch. The twitch became a giggle, which became a hearty belly laugh.

          It was infectious, and I laughed till I cried.

          /end OT brain story

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 January 7

          Hahaha, CJ, I want to get brain scans (again) just so I can say that! I had some done several years ago when I was having Mystery Headaches of Doom, but I’m afraid I lost the copies 🙁

          Adores: 2
  16. 2011 January 7
    sarajean80 permalink

    …a small plastic toy vanity…

    “Hey, Sparky … Whatcha get in your Non-Copyrighted Youth-Oriented Enjoyment-Enhancement Meal*?”

    “Vanity. Shoot, I was hopin’ for a Smurfette.”

    “You should sell it on that computer website thing, maybe someone will come take it for free.”

    *Name has been changed.

    Adores: 5
  17. 2011 January 7
    CapnMac permalink

    [completely OT]
    1. Purple (large cat) Feline Advantage is ludicrously expensive. It only it were not so incredibly effective.

    2. The Coen Bors did a spiffy job on True Grit. It is definitely not the John Wayne film of yore–and that’s a positive, really. It’s only complicated in the parts where you know how the story goes.

    Oh well, almost out the door to go watch the Cotton Bowl.
    [/ot]

    Adores: 1
  18. 2011 January 7
    sarajean80 permalink

    :waves:

    Hey, Lola! Look!

    :points to Golden Lotus Box:

    Resume-napkin.

    Adores: 4
  19. 2011 January 7
    Mindfield permalink

    [OT]

    One of my regular forums relating to the iPhone is regularly hit with bits of spam on a near daily basis thanks to bots. I report it wherever I see it, which means I end up entering the threads the bots create and catching a glimpse of their spam. Well, this one in particular, spamming in its sig rather than the body, posted some wonderfully inane text tonight:

    I interested in any method to dip helper cool ardently spondulicks on the internet. I put tried various things and be dressed not been flowering but I am not booming to consecrate up. It is smooth away at times my avocation! I am amazed at the determination and dynamics of the internet marketing community.

    There’s something absurdly and nonensically flowing about it. He’s not booming to consecreate up. He’s doing it quietly.

    Also, after looking it up, I am now determined to use “spondulicks” in a sentence as soon as the opportunity permits. Preferably with the word “ardently”, eg. I’m broke, but at least I ardently ran out of spondulicks.

    [/OT]

    Adores: 2
    • 2011 January 7
      Lola permalink

      If it didn’t have the internet reference, I’d suspect it was Joycean in origin … like the stuff that didn’t make the cut (ever wonder what that stuff looked like? either insane or entirely too sensical, that’s my guess) in Finnegans Wake.

      Adores: 1
      • 2011 January 7
        LurkRealClose permalink

        Lola: I had too much trouble with the stuff that did make the cut to ever be able to think about any of the other stuff.

        Adores: 2
      • 2011 January 7
        Mindfield permalink

        Finnegan’s Wake is head-splodey enough in its published form. It’s like reading every other language’s attempts to translate and interpret Jabberwocky into their native tongue, which Joyce then found, collected, translated back to English by way of people who didn’t really speak those languages very well, and then crammed them all together into a book. I mean, why else would it have taken so long to write?

        If there was stuff that was too weird and nonsensical even for Joyce, it’s probably in mankind’s best interest to never find out what it was. Not that anyone would be able to decipher it to do so.

        Adores: 3
    • 2011 January 7

      Some of the spam that gets stopped by the filters here is pretty hilarious. I’m especially fond of the ones that say things like, “This really helped me in my college assignment. Can you provide more information?”

      Adores: 6
      • 2011 January 7
        Mindfield permalink

        If your college assignment is about the worst that’s to be found on Craigslist, you’re in the wrong college. Especially if you submit your assignment by mail.

        Adores: 3
        • 2011 January 8
          Luke permalink

          Coming soon: “yousuckatspammingyousuckatcraigslist.com”

          Can’t wait.

          Adores: 3
  20. 2011 January 8
    Windrose permalink

    sarajean80, Punchity Punch Punch! Oops, I think I tore the napkin-resume!

    G’Night, El Segundo!

    Adores: 2
    • 2011 January 8
      sarajean80 permalink

      :Gets up off floor of Snark Lounge, spits out tooth. Wanders off to find steak for eye.:

      Adores: 4

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