YSaC, Vol. 925: Don’t know much about … well, anything, really.
Professor’s
Professors needed for opening of new school in [location] area. Must be out going and respectful, Must hold dr’s degree but masters degree’s are also exsepted also must have up to 5 years experinces also universty experince. for info please call regina at xxx-xxx-xxxx or Jean at xxx-xxx-xxxx
I really, really want this job. My first class is going to be called “How Not to Suck at Craigslist”, and I already have more than enough material for the semester; I also apparently have my first enrollee.
Here’s my syllabus:
Week 1: Basic rules of capitalization and punctuation
Week 2: Spelling and what it can do for you
Week 3: The difference between “discreet” and “discrete”
Week 4: Places to take pictures of vacuum cleaners other than outdoors
Week 5: How to sell a used sofa
Week 6: Things to not have die on/in your sofa (aunts, snakes)
Week 7: Bees
Week 8: “Hope the girl see this” — the art and science of attraction
Week 9: How to read an expiration date
Week 10: Bedazzling for fun and profit
Week 11: Arts and Crafts
Week 12: Cat Math
Week 13: Not.A.Lion
Week 14: Advanced Not.A.Lion
Week 15: French Prudential/Preventional/Pervential
Final project: Don’t bother; I’ll be curled up in a fetal position under my desk.
Thanks, brinkleysharpe!
This schol, would it be privet or pubic?
Hard choice. If I were to hedge my bets, I’d say privet. Pubic schools haven’t been fashionable since Bush.
Do I need to sharpen my pecil?
Why? Are people saying it’s dull?
It just needs a good waxing…
I’m all out of wax but I have some elemental potassium. That’s the same thing, right?
I’m all out of wax
I have some potassium
I know it will work
Removing the stubble
I love me some Hair Supply.
I whip my hair
I whip my hair
I whip my hair
I whip my hair
and then I dollop it on my pie*!
*go for it! I dare you…
I like pie.
Pie
Pie
Me oh my
Nothing tastes sweet, wet, salty and dry
all at once o well it’s pie
Apple!
Pumpkin!
Minced
an’ wet bottom.
Come to your place everyday if you’ve got em’
Pie
Me o my
I love pie
Did that just say “wet bottom”…?
Michael..FTW!!!
Awww darn. Somebody figured it out. Every time I hear someone say “I like pie”, the zombie squad inside me takes over and presents me with that little ear worm gem.
I remember my days in pubic university. I don’t mean to brag, but Ron Jeremy was my roommate for sophomore year. He has an enormous love of Scandinavian folk music. Not to mention his hugely generous personality.
He’s such a giving man.
Were you a top bunker or a bottom bunker?
🙂
A lot (alot) of that innuendo* was unintended and I didn’t realize it was there until after I’d written it all. They don’t call me sexy fingers for nothing.
And, if our dorm room was considered a baseball team, I was the left-fielder and RJ was the first-base line-coach. Hope that clears things up.
*The less subtle innuendo was planned, of course.
Couldn’t be any more clear if you washed it in windex.
Hehe… Sexy MT Fingers said in u endo.
I can tell what this Tuesday’s going to be like.
I didn’t realize that was an option for a university (which is what I’m assuming this is going to be since they’re looking for a professor)!
*loses all remaining faith in humanity*
Mine starts to grow back from time to time. Craigslist and Politics are great ways to stave it off.
Sorry, did you say “stave” or “shave?”
Maybe I should have said “beat it back.”
No.
Just … No.
My job keeps mine pretty well pruned back. There’s nothing like working with the public to make you despise them.
And that’s why I chose not to be a public librarian. People who do that and stay sane/don’t get arrested are my heroes.
Do you mean that Patriot Bible University is opening a new campus? I so hope it’s near me.
Are you planning to attend, or picket?
Finally, a class I wouldn’t want to skip!
Crap, I’ve already missed about a week. Will there be a make up exam?
Damn-it Jim, this is a university, not a beauty college!
You can copy Maybeline’s notes, I’m sure.
This is job discrimination, I demand they also include:
Gilligan’s
Skipper’s
Millionaire’s (and their wife’s)
Movie star’s
and Mary Ann’s,
….for a three hor’s tour….
Good one little buddy’s…..
Oh, so now we’ve got THREE mine hor’s wandering around? No wonder the Snark Lounge smells kinda funny…
The mine hors are back at the Norwegian logging sled site.
These are just 3 hor’s…just 3 plain hor’s…3 plain tour hor’s. Who’d have guessed it, eh?
😉
Wait…what about the coal mine hor’s daughter?
She wasn’t on the island but you’re the one who made that list up there ^ so maybe you just forgot to include her. Unless Mr. Howell’s wife was Loretta Lynn.
Or Sissy Spacek.
Do you need any guest lecturers?
I promise not to maim any of the students too badly unless they sign a waiver and have an up-to-date organ donor card.
I’m imagining the kitty in your avatar giving the lectures and clawing the students in the face when they won’t listen.
Like a crankier Professor McGonagall? That’d be SO awesome!!!
Or the cat could be like your familiar…
“What was that little Sparky? You think that your listing, which contains no fewer than 17 grammatical errors, twenty five spelling mistakes and two upside-down pictures, neither of which is of the item allegedly offered for sale and one of which is, in fact, just your unmentionables reflected in an unrelated domestic appliance, is ‘just fine’ and that ‘people will totes get it, fo’ sho’!’? Well, let’s see what Associate Professor Miss Kitty has to say about that. Miss Kitty?”
*sounds of tearing flesh, screaming, gagging noises from the other students, and then silence but for the rasping noise of a cat grooming itself contentely*
“Well put Miss Kitty. Now, who else thinks their ad is ready?”
Firefly (my avatar cat) would LOVE to do that. She’s prone to attacking people (and a few inanimate objects) with little to no provocation and then trying to cuddle with whomever she just tore to bits. My Dad calls her Psycho-Twitch.
To whom it may concern,
I would like to hereby submit my application for a professorship at your forthcoming school. I am a lettered professional with a PhDerp in Theoretical Snarkology and a Masters degree in baiting. As posting on Craigslist is, in essence, all about baiting the public into looking at what you have for sale, I am capable of teaching users to streamline and correct their mistakes, which in turn helps to avoid becoming the victim of vicious snark on sites like You Suck at Craigslist. I am also a master of Feng Shui, Tai Chi, Hu Flung Pu, and other Asian disciplines which concern themselves with object placement; proper lighting; setting; camera operation; identification of undesirable elements in the frame such as trash, food leftovers, sex toys, naked men in reflective surfaces; how to remove bodily fluid stains from fabrics; and so on.
Furthermore, I have also studied at the Sorbonne and recently obtained a doctorate in Philologistic Expositional Dialogue, which is essential in teaching methods of artful description.
I hope you will give my application due consideration and I look forward to hearing from you in the near future.
Sincerely,
Dr. Phinneas R. Ululated, PhDerp, MDS, DDS, LLC, BRB, Esq. Ltd. (D-Il.)
Would this be an honorary degree or did you complete the coursework?
He has the t shirt to prove it!
😉
Indeed, shirts. Plural. (It was a grueling course.) But I pulled through, and it was a happy ending all around.
No Mindfield, I believe [shirts. Plural. ] is spelled shirt’s.
Is smoking a cigarette at the end part of the Final?
Wouldn’t that make them t-shits?
Many degrees are sarajean, many degrees are….
Damn! You’re right. Now I’ll never get that professorship.
Didn’t you mean “bating the pubic”?
That’s another course, to be conducted in privet.
I’d like to see what the tenure review is like.
–Have you published in at least two or more comic books or other Craigslist ads?
–We would like to see some of your work during your Crayola Period.
–Are the stains on your Statement of Purpose organic or chemical?
–Have you any reviewers that are not still in middle school?
–Could you bring Pizza Rolls, Go-Gurt and Sunny D to your next peer group meeting?
I never knew those self-study courses were getting so standardized.
So… all roads lead to sarajean?
Or is this like that “six degrees from Kevin Bacon” thing?
She is one of my mentors….I particularly admire the fact that she traditionally takes the low one which leads to the mecca of Snark Vegas….!
Alot of degrees.
I am the alot of degrees. It’s mainly a ceremonial position, but I do get some fancy business cards and a coffee mug every Beesmas.
Bacon…now I want brekkie and a martini…
You say you need de bacon?! Well de bacon is here for you; in de form of de Bacontini!
Yes pretty lady, dere is plenty of de Bacontini for you and all de other peoples, especially de ladies.
Only problem is, it’s tini.
(as in ini weeni?)
If his “weeni” is “ini” then he had better see a doctor. Or a licensed mixologist.
Itty bitty teeny weenie
Greasy fat-striped meat bikini…
I will save everyone the mental hardship and tell you right now;
Do. NOT. Google. “Meat Bikini”.
Trust me.
No, skip google and look for it on YouTube
Hey! How did my ad get on…
Gotta go.
It put it’s foot in the stirrup and swung it’s leg over just like all the other jockey’s.
Sounds like that’s a hard on to
mountget up onride…I’ll just go back to the corner.
since we don’t know the meaning of the word “must” we will probably forget to ask about it. You’re in!
Wait. Does that mean you must have one with your name on it, or can you just hold on to someone else’s?
I’m told that if you can write 15 pages on how good helium tastes there are many places online that will give you a diploma in just about anything, doesn’t even have to have your name on it.
That’s how John Gray got his PhD.
You can find anything online. The Universal Life Church will declare you a saint for $13.99. If your pockets aren’t quite that deep, you can become a Jedi Knight for $10.99.
Or you can spend $25 and become both a Saint and a Jedi! Everybody wins!
I have several degrees that I’m not currently using….. maybe I could rent them out for a day.
Are any of them dr’s?
I’ve held any number of degrees, especially while the porfessor* hammered the nail in the wall . . .
___________________________
The rich-fessors just paid me to arrange their “love me” walls.
There isn’t going to be much teaching going on if the professors are going to have to carry their degrees around with them constantly.
On the other hand, all it would take is a poorly guarded doctor’s office and I could be holding my own dr’s degree.
I don’t know, I’ve known some professors that needed to carry around Degree. I don’t know if they didn’t shower every day, or just forgot to use their Degree at home, or what…
*sniff, sniff* I rather think some of that scent is coming from the box today.
*snicker* (*milky way*)
Payday!
Windy said sniff…scent…box….all in one sentence.
For some reason, I keep reading things the way a 13 year old boy would today.
Just for you, mudsy…
*Mr. Goodbar*
Hmm, “dr” is the name of a lawn-machine manufacturer–wonder what degree a leaf vacuum has . . .
I just realized “Must hold dr’s degree” is two letters from “Must hold drmk’s degree.” Keep an eye out for thieves, drmk!
I’m not too good at selling, ‘cos all I get are jerks
I sold my car online, but he says it doesn’t work
I want some education to teach me how to fix
My crappy Craigslist ads, ‘cos I want to be rich
You’ve got the brains
I’ve bought the books
Make me lots of money
I’ve got the pawn
You’ve got the brains
Make me lots of money
I can tell you’re educated, you’re spelling’s are spot on
You seem to know mathematics, that’s useful when you pawn
I can type on computers, it works ’bout half the time
If you’ve got the information, I will drop the dime
Oh, I would take this opportunity if it’s not too expensive
You know, there are lots of opportunities, but they’re not this extensive
(or offensive)
You’ve got the brains
I’ve bought the books
Make me lots of money
I’ve got the pawn
You’ve got the brains
Make me lots of money
You can see I’m simple-minded, I have difficulty
Learning simple concepts, but I’m sure you could teach me
I want some education without a big expense
I’ve thought about it seriously, but I lack common sense
(Make) You’ve got the brains
(Me) I’ve bought the books
Make me lots of money
(Make) I’ve got the pawn
(Me) You’ve got the brains
Make me lots of money
You’ve got the brains
I’ve bought the books
Make me lots of money
I’ve got the pawn
You’ve got the brains
Make me lots of money
Money!
Smiley Puppy — that one may get moved to the top of my personal favorites!
How appropriate that the smiley puppy quotes the Pet Shop Boys.
Wot tipe of moron / serius akademik edukashun esablishmunt circhez four there staff on Craguislits? Eye woodnt d’mene miself to uplie for such a post.
*can someone please pass a cooling towel for my unhappy brain?*
:passes tig her Love Me jacket and a damp washcloth:
I found my somewhat-education-related job on Craigslist, actually… We were just vocational training back in 08, but now we’re looking at becoming accredited for AA degrees. :-p
But the ad was well-written.
I have far more than 5 years experinces. It doesn’t specify what sort of experinces, but I have experred a whole lot, for years and years. I also have universty experince, in that I’m sure I must have experred while attending college.
I tried to exper once, but I ended up breaking my hamstring and getting banned for life from that particlar McDonalds. I blame a sub-standard ball pit.
The first time I read this, I thought you were blamming a sub-standard PIT BULL, and that was much funnier.
That would have been the time I tried perrexing in the Denny’s with the acrobatic troupe. I still limp a little when it’s cold outside.
There’s photographic evidence of me experring at University, but I don’t remember any of it. Does it still count?
It does to the people I’ll show it to unless you cough up that $5 Ikea coupon. (I’m a discount extortionist.)
Not if you burn the picture and the negative and its never been on Facebook. In that case, “pics or it didn’t happen” will apply. 8)
PoiDH has saved my metaphorical bacon many a time. Huzzah for friends who leave their cameras unattended at post-event hungover brunch!!
That and ‘mutually assured destruction’ pics. Mwahahaha…. Give me a passed out undergrad, a tub of vintage Crisco*, a herring and two doggy chew toys and I shall conquor the(ir) world!!!
*Although in my part of the world, Chrisco is a mail-order christmas hamper company which just sued for being really, really sh!t, Sparky-type value, which just makes things even weirder.
*harumph*
As a member in good standing of the Association of Professional Experts, and also a Multinational Organization of Rational Opining Narrators of some renown, I take offense at this sort of silly blather. Higher education clearly needs more people with fewer, self-inflated credentials, and not the opposite. Abjure! I avow and aver! Think of the Children!
left Rev Cap’nMac, APE, MORON, ASIS, ROA, AUK, USN, Esq. MOUSE
P.s., all rumours of cannibalism in the Royal Navy are the the slanders of preffesors and do not include a nice remoulade or beure blanc
I my opinion, the person who wrote this is probably the smartest person in [location] area.
I agree with you in principal. 8) Get it? Okay, it’s lame. There just aren’t any corners available right now.
So did everyone have a Love Hangover today? Where is every body? Are there any lurkers out there? Can I say anything without it being a question?
I don’t know; can you?
Where have all the flowers gone?
Conjunction Junction: what’s your function?
No, I can’t. Next question?
Who was that masked man?
All RIGHT, settle down in the box! Let’s do this in alphabetical order. HamCan, Punchity Punch Punch! Jen, Punchity Punch Punch! sarajean, Punchity Punch Punch! Spacebug, Punchity Punch Punch!
G’Night, University of Bologna!
mobile test … still can’t capitalize; wth, sparky? wondering if avatar will come through this time. eta: success, if uncapitalized.