YSaC, Vol. 926: Bound for the floor.

2011 February 16

Cherry Flooring – New in Box!


No mistaking this flooring with the cheap thin stuff. Top quality!

Easiest to install while nude 🙂

Manufacturers warranty included!

Did you just have a new baby? Congratulations! Now get rid of your disgusting carpet before they catch something!

xxx/xxx-xxxx

Does the manufacturer’s warranty apply to the flooring, or to the ugly naked guy installing it while my baby watches?

Or am I just being naïve, and “installing flooring” is a new euphemism of which I am unaware? I mean, we’ve encountered hi dusting already, so this could be what the cool kids are calling it now. I just don’t know what it is!

Thanks, Emily!

133 Responses leave one →
  1. 2011 February 16
    Lola permalink

    Even though they don’t quote a price, I’ll pay more if Sparky promises to put on clothes.

    Another thought (it’s too early for this … it will always be too early for this): Sparky’s newborn’s first impression of dad is as he is installing the new, presumably sanitary flooring … family jewels swaying freely … and in subsequent years no one ever realized why s/he always wanted to be fully dressed and never barefoot while walking on the floor.
    *fires up brain bleach jacuzzi*

    Adores: 18
    • 2011 February 16
      Angel permalink

      Why are we assuming Sparky’s a guy? Maybe it’s Sparki and she’s nude for ease of feeding her newborn whilst installing flooring.
      *Asks Lola to pass the brain bleach*

      Adores: 10
      • 2011 February 16
        TacoFingers MagicSexy permalink

        *Goes to get his melon baller*

        There are certain parts of my brain that I now need to remove.

        Adores: 16
        • 2011 February 16
          Addicted Reader permalink

          I have, on occasion, threatened to remove someone’s family jewels with a melon baller. Probably a dull one.

          It’s an effective threat. 8 )

          Adores: 4
  2. 2011 February 16

    Cherry and nude flooring….hmmm…there’s a joke in there somewhere….

    Adores: 5
    • 2011 February 16
      LimeLolly permalink

      Sticky?

      Adores: 5
      • 2011 February 16
        TacoFingers MagicSexy permalink

        I usually handle all my wood in the nude.

        Adores: 22
        • 2011 February 16
          Bombdude permalink

          “You can’t handle…!!!

          oh wait…

          Wrong quote, sorry…

          Adores: 5
        • 2011 February 16

          I usually handle all my wood in the nude

          “Hi-yo, Sliver! Away!”

          Adores: 10
    • 2011 February 16
      Irregular Fractal permalink

      I’ve been wondering what R. Bruce Hoadley has been up to these days. Now I know.

      Adores: 9
      • 2011 February 16
        TacoFingers MagicSexy permalink

        I’m pretty sure TacoFather has that book.

        Adores: 1
        • 2011 February 16
          Lola permalink

          I’m slightly surprised it was written by (only) a guy. I know some women who are supposed to be good at the activity referred to in the title.

          Adores: 3
      • 2011 February 16
        mudslicker permalink

        That’s because he’s got a simple tool.

        Adores: 6
  3. 2011 February 16
    sarajean80 permalink

    Well, that quickly took a sharp right hand turn into downtown Weirdopolis.

    Adores: 20
  4. 2011 February 16
    Anne permalink

    I’m wondering if the comment about having a baby isn’t a reference to your state of (un)dress while installing that flooring. You’re down on your hands and knees anyway… right?

    Adores: 3
    • 2011 February 16
      TacoFingers MagicSexy permalink

      Watch out for that tree!

      *snergle*

      Adores: 4
    • 2011 February 16
      CapnMac permalink

      [flooring corey]
      Well, only if you eschew joint health.

      Or you are using “snap” flooring–but Spark’ wants us to believe that this is not the ‘thin cheap” stuff.

      Which is actually, 1, better for non-professional installers; and 2, fully-finished and sealed at the factory, and therefor far less likely to have outgassing or release of allergens to ‘affect’ one’s new spawn.

      Since I’m in this vein anyway, let me guess that Spark’ means that this flooring is easiest to install as a “new” floor (we may well snark on why the phone auto-corrected that to “nude”).

      Let me also speculate that Spark’s insistence on this being “the thick stuff” could also mean that this is raw, furniture-grade lumber. Meaning that it probably needs both the tongue-and-groove and also the flooring under-cut milled into every stick.

      This present fad of getting “dirty” carpets out of newborn/children’s rooms for their “health” is just that, a fad. It probably will harm them later in life for not giving a ‘resistance’ against which to build their immunological ‘muscles’ too.

      That, and try and get all the sanding dust out of a house that has been recently re-floored (I’ve done this, it’s Sisyphusian halving halves at best). And if fine hardwood dust is not a health concern, then there will still be the issue of toners, sanding sealers and finish wear coats on Spark’s alleged Cherry.

      Oh, and at the grey edge of the gray-market lumber products is a great raft of deliberately mis-labeled hardwoods. Cherry is high up on this list, that appellation being applied to a number of illegally-harvested tropical hardwoods. Which, due to their sketchy nature do not get a lot of milling, and hence, are “the thick stuff.”

      So, Spark has a bunch of lumber that “fell off the truck” and wants us to suborn not only his avarice, the underlying destruction of eco-systems, and to increase VOC pollutions, all in the name of some dubious health improvement of putative urchins? Well, probably better to introduce pulchritude and venal prurience into the ad, then.
      [/rant+corey]

      Adores: 6
      • 2011 February 16
        Mindfield permalink

        I hate when my wood has an outgassing.

        Adores: 4
        • 2011 February 16
          sarajean80 permalink

          Maybe you should wax it more often.

          Also, Putative Urchins is the name of IF’s Fine Young Cannibals tribute band.

          Adores: 4
      • 2011 February 16

        (Slightly OT) This obsession with eliminating *all* germs that many people currently have is doing far more harm than good. It leads to a lowering of immunological resistance which with the increasing resistance of bacteria to antibiotics due to the overprescribing of them and people not taking them properly and completely, leads to drug resistant infections like MRSA. (/OT)

        Adores: 5
        • 2011 February 16
          Jen permalink

          Shhhh! Let the Sparkies believe that the nice spray will keep them safe by killing all the nasty frowny germies they see on the ads. That way, they lower their immune systems and those of their putative urchins – (c) Cap’n Mac – and when the next animal-themed sniffle comes along we’ll watch their stupidity lead to their oh so timely demise. Sure, Craigslist will see a decline in nonsensical postings, reality TV will suffer a severe ratings drop and Fox news will go off the air, but I’m sure there’ll be bad consequences, as well.

          Adores: 12
        • 2011 February 16
          Angel permalink

          /agree Kelli and Jen! and I’ll stop right right there before I go off on a rant.

          Adores: 0
      • 2011 February 16
        Addicted Reader permalink

        So what you’re saying is that Sparky has a tree out back which he thinks is a cherry tree. BYOS

        Adores: 1
  5. 2011 February 16
    christina permalink

    Pshaw! My 49 cent per square foot cheap-o IKEA flooring was just as easy to install in the nude as the more expensive stuff.
    What?

    Adores: 12
    • 2011 February 16
      Windrose permalink

      Which brand of adhesive did you use, christina?

      Adores: 1
      • 2011 February 16
        christina permalink

        No adhesive required. It was as easy as inserting tab A into slot B. 😉
        Sorry, I apparently just hit puberty today.

        Adores: 15
        • 2011 February 16
          Windrose permalink

          Yes, but you didn’t go for the sticky white stuff, so it’s not so bad. 8)

          Adores: 1
  6. 2011 February 16
    ToBScholarly permalink

    Either the ad is loaded with euphemisms or I just don’t understand the humor.

    However, not one to pass on the opportunity to throw out some sex puns:
    I wonder if the floor is installed with a ball-peen hammer.
    Does one screw the wood into the subfloor with nuts?
    What do you do if any pieces are cracked? Put a buttload of caulk in them?
    Will the instructions on how to lay the flooring come with the box? Will they keep one abreast of the process?

    I feel so dirty now.

    Adores: 11
    • 2011 February 16
      TacoFingers MagicSexy permalink

      Well… it is a cherry wood floor, so I’d bet it came from virgin forest.

      I’ll be in the corner.

      Adores: 10
    • 2011 February 16
      NotMyName permalink

      For some reason, I’m thinking they are talking about condoms. See below:

      “Cherry flavored condoms – New in Box!

      No mistaking these with the cheap ones. Top quality!

      Easiest to put on while nude [smiley face]

      Still have the receipt in case something goes wrong.”

      And I have no clue about the last part. Taco or Hammy can probably figure that one out.

      Adores: 3
      • 2011 February 16

        Maybe he’s inferring that once you’ve given birth, you should just go “bare-floor” to help with… healing? I know that with a c-section, the nurse shaves a good deal of “carpeting” in the vicinity of the incision area.

        Adores: 3
        • 2011 February 16
          LurkRealClose permalink

          Um.

          I think I might have been able to live without this information, EB. Although I do thank you so much for sharing. Bless your heart.

          *dunks head in brain bleach*

          Adores: 4
    • 2011 February 16

      I was trying to figure out how to work a tongue-and-groove joke in there somewhere.

      Adores: 14
  7. 2011 February 16
    sarajean80 permalink

    I didn’t think nudity was recommended for most home improvement projects, what with the potential for some really unique scars and the whole splinter situation.

    Adores: 17
    • 2011 February 16
      TacoFingers MagicSexy permalink

      You think using a radial arm saw in the nude is a bad idea?

      I guess I should rethink that table I was gonna build.

      Adores: 4
      • 2011 February 16
        sarajean80 permalink

        As I recall from shop class, they only tell you to wear eye protection and keep loose clothing away from the spinny bits. As long as you goggle up and don’t mind tweezering shards of wood out of places they shouldn’t be, you’re good to go.

        Adores: 9
        • 2011 February 16
          CapnMac permalink

          Considering that this lumber probably needs a pass through a moulding machine, nudity in the vicinity ought be tempered by the possibility of an entire stick of lumber being launched, waist-high, if the machine has a kick-back.

          I know of several millwork shops that keep a set of catcher’s pads for working behind moulders and gang saws, and leather aprons, too. Kickback is not pretty. You feed the lumber in at inches per minute and it will came back to you at feet-per-second. Often to wind up sticking through the wall of the shop.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 February 16
          Mindfield permalink

          Gang saws? Do they hang out behind donut shops smoking cigarettes, running their fingers over their teeth and remarking how they don’t like the cut of your kerf?

          Adores: 6
        • 2011 February 16
          CapnMac permalink

          Oh no, nothing so bashful or clandestine.
          Usually just hulk there right in the open next to the chopsaws and the hogger.
          And, all too often, in the center of an array of distressing floor stains.

          Adores: 2
  8. 2011 February 16
    Bacontini permalink

    Heh heh heh. Hey baby, Bacontini, he install your floor for you. Bacontini never wear de clothes, so you enjoy de Bacontini while he enjoy your floor.

    Yes, as always Bacontini is here for de floor ladies.

    Sometimes, when de bar stools are already in de bed, Bacontini like to spread topper out on de ground and pretend she’s de floor. Don’t tell her dat Bacontini told you.

    Adores: 7
  9. 2011 February 16
    TacoFingers MagicSexy permalink

    I’m thinking the phrase “new in box” may not be the one to use when talking about nude wood flooring installs.

    Adores: 5
    • 2011 February 16

      New in Box!New in Box!New in Box!
      New in Box!New in Box!New in Box!
      New in Box!New in Box!New in Box!
      New in Box!New in Box!New in Box!
      New in Box!New in Box!New in Box!
      New in Box!New in Box!New in Box!
      New in Box!New in Box!New in Box!
      New in Box!New in Box!New in Box!
      New in Box!New in Box!New in Box!
      New in Box!New in Box!New in Box!
      New in Box!New in Box!New in Box!
      New in Box!New in Box!New in Box!
      New in Box!New in Box!New in Box!
      New in Box!New in Box!New in Box!
      New in Box!New in Box!New in Box!
      New in Box!New in Box!New in Box!
      New in Box!New in Box!New in Box!
      New in Box!New in Box!New in Box!
      *ZZzzzzzZZzzzzzzZZzzzzzzzzzzzz*

      Adores: 4
      • 2011 February 16
        sarajean80 permalink

        I guess the new wore off.

        Adores: 7
        • 2011 February 16
          Astrognash permalink

          in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box! in Box!

          Adores: 2
  10. 2011 February 16

    Well, I suppose in a way he’s right – babies ARE “easiest to install while nude”. On the other hand, are there that many women give birth all over their own carpets?

    Adores: 13
    • 2011 February 16
      TacoFingers MagicSexy permalink

      are there that many women give birth all over their own carpets?

      *snergle*

      Adores: 2
  11. 2011 February 16

    I met her in a club
    Down in old Soho.
    She was stark naked
    And was laying down cherry flooring.

    She walked up to me,
    And she asked me to help.
    She said, “It’s all for
    The baby’s sake, so I’m imploring.”

    Adores: 9
    • 2011 February 16
      Lola permalink

      You called?

      Adores: 5
      • 2011 February 16
        CapnMac permalink

        Wait, I thought that the only thing men in Soho called in the morning was a cab?

        Adores: 1
        • 2011 February 16
          Lola permalink

          Not if you’re Ray Davies.

          Adores: 2
  12. 2011 February 16

    It’s cherry flooring new in box,
    Doo-da, Doo-da
    Install it wearing only socks
    Oh, de doo-da day

    Goin’ nude all night
    Goin’ nude all day

    I spent my money cuz Bob Vila said to.
    Somebody put it on youtube

    Adores: 16
  13. 2011 February 16
    Danish Bread permalink

    You mericans are such prudes. We Danes have been doing nude woodwork for centuries. Akvavit makes the work go smoothly……….

    Adores: 7
    • 2011 February 16
      Windrose permalink

      I’ve said it before: There is nothing like a Dane! Nothing in the world!

      Adores: 8
      • 2011 February 16
        TacoFingers MagicSexy permalink

        And we’re thankful of that.

        Adores: 4
      • 2011 February 16

        Great

        Adores: 7
      • 2011 February 16
        Mindfield permalink

        Danes are great.

        *wags*

        Adores: 1
      • 2011 February 16
        CapnMac permalink

        But, does one have to wear coconuts as a brassier? Or a swab-mop for a wig?

        Or am I being too South Specific?

        Adores: 3
    • 2011 February 16
      Innana permalink

      Uff-Da!

      Adores: 1
    • 2011 February 16
      Camille permalink

      So you’re offering to install a Cherry Danish on my floor? I’m so confused.

      Adores: 8
      • 2011 February 16
        Lola permalink

        Actually, it sounded more like a Dane in your cherry, to me.

        *gets coat, goes to corner*

        Adores: 7
        • 2011 February 16
          Camille permalink

          Nah, Danes are too moody. I’ve seen “Hamlet.” Got anything in Norwegian?

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 February 17
          Windrose permalink

          Hmmm. Site is loading s l o w l y, and nesting is not happening properly. This is supposed to go up under Camille’s comment. It would make sense up there.

          Isn’t it good Norwegian wood?

          Down here it loses much in the translation. 8/

          Adores: 1
  14. 2011 February 16
    Todd permalink

    There once was a nude guy named Fred,
    Whose new flooring was bright cherry red.
    He thought that just maybe
    It might make a baby
    But he got only splinters instead.

    Adores: 33
    • 2011 February 16

      OMG…there aren’t enough doors in the world…

      *snort*chortle*

      Adores: 1
    • 2011 February 16
      ToBScholarly permalink

      Nothing beats a good limerick.

      Adores: 1
    • 2011 February 16

      Brilliant!

      Adores: 3
      • 2011 February 16
        Addicted Reader permalink

        Yeah, what she said!

        Adores: 1
        • 2011 February 16
          Astrognash permalink

          That’s what she said.

          Adores: 2
    • 2011 February 17
      Lou Stool permalink

      Greatest limerick of all time! I just woke up my daughter!

      Adores: 1
  15. 2011 February 16

    I could really use some cheery flooring, my current floor is emo. The nice thing was it cut itself to fit, the not so nice thing is that it has deep depressions. So some cheery flooring would be a real improv….oh wait it’s cherry flooring…never mind.

    Adores: 15
    • 2011 February 16

      Wood in a deep depression would be a real problem…either way you look at it.

      Adores: 4
      • 2011 February 16

        I don’t looking at it would help it rise up, perhaps a tongue lashing?

        *I’ll be in my corner

        Adores: 0
        • 2011 February 16
          LimeLolly permalink

          Floor wax helps restore dry dull wood. Just saying…

          Adores: 4
      • 2011 February 16
        CapnMac permalink

        whole new, ‘nuther, meaning to “swamp logging” . . .

        Adores: 1
  16. 2011 February 16
    Mindfield permalink

    For the umpteenth time that week, Bess reminded herself that she really needed to get that doorbell fixed. Every time it went off, it sounded like someone chewing noisily on a little electronic organ. She hastily opened the door so as not to give the visitor pause to ring it again.
    “Pop your cherry, ma’am?” said the bedraggled, sweaty, and decidedly pear-shaped mound of fiery ginger scruff on the other side.
    The sight of both the unpleasant man-shaped Chia beard and its question threw her figuratively off-balance. “I … beg your pardon?”
    “Sorry,” said the man in a deep and gravelly voice through a tangled opening in his face that made him look like nothing so much as a talking mound of dried peat. “Bit of a bad joke, there. My name is Hurk. I’m here to do your flooring, and you requested brand new cherry wood, am I right?”
    Slightly flustered, Bess nonetheless regained her mental footing. “Yes, um … yes, right. Please, come in.”
    Hurk’s beard smiled as the rest of him walked in the door, carrying with him several bags and a backpack. Despite appearances, he seemed genial enough; the smile was warm and touched his eyes, though the apples of his cheeks looked more like lychees. “Over here?” Hurk asked, pointing at the living room area, which had been cleared of everything preparatory to the renovation.
    “Yes, that’s the area.” Bess replied. “I’ve removed everything and had a friend help me pull up the old flooring, all you should need to do is lay the new stuff.”
    Hurk chuckled unexpectedly, though Bess couldn’t find the joke. “Well, that makes things easier,” Hurk said. “I’ll just get started then.”
    “That would be wonderful, thank you.” Bess said. “Can I get you anything? Coffee? Tea? Some water?”
    “Tea would be lovely, thank you.”
    Bess retired to the kitchen and fetched a pair of teacups and saucers. As the sounds of Hurk bringing in supplies from his truck and preparing to lay down her new floor emanated from the living room, she boiled the water and placed a teabag in each of the cups. When the pot squealed she poured the boiling water into each of the cups to let the tea steep for a few minutes.
    “Milk or sugar?” Bess called.
    “Just milk, please!” Hurk called from the living room.
    Bess poured a measure of milk into both cups, and added a cube of sugar to her own. After a little stir, she removed the bag and brought Hurk’s cup into the living room.

    It would have been impossible for Bess to have justly described what she experienced in the next few moments. At first, it was like walking into someplace you’ve been to many times before and were intimately familiar with, and being unexpectedly confronted with something whose every characteristic was so utterly incomprehensible that it made you question if you didn’t take a drastically wrong turn somewhere. That prompted an individual analysis of things in the area to confirm that everything which wasn’t supposed to be tremendously out of place was what and where it was expected to be. Once she confirmed that this was indeed the living room she had aimed for, her brain started to work on the thing in said room which was tremendously out of place. This involved attempting to identify its shape and texture, reorient it spatially in case it wasn’t the right way up, consider the possibility that its unfamiliarity might be the result of it being intended to fit inside something more familiar, and then trying to think of what it might fit in — and in a brilliant epiphanic flash, she realized what that was: Pants.
    And that’s when she dropped the tea.

    Bent over as he was, his wooly backside to her, the clattering of the shattered china got his attention, so he stood up and turned to face her. Too shocked to take emotional stock of the situation, she instead noted that, for the most part, he looked more or less like an ordinary, albeit overweight, naked, and disproportionately hirsute man. For the most part, she thought, because one particular feature stood out — literally and figuratively — from the rest of him, even moreso than his neanderthalic coat of fur: He had wood.
    Euphemisically, this would have been creepy in the extreme, but not physiologically unusual. No, while his solder was standing at attention, it was, in fact, crafted of actual wood. As much as she desperately wanted to look away, like rubbernecking past a vicious accident on the road, she couldn’t help but note that it appeared to be cherry wood. That in turn gave his opening joke several layers horrifying layers of creepiness.

    “Oh, didn’t see you there,” Hurk said nonchalantly. “Let me help you clean that up,” he offered.
    “No!” Bess exclaimed, her eyelids slamming into her skull as she raised her hands in warding. “I don’t … I … what … the hell …” Bess stammered, flummoxed and momentarily incapable of drawing just the right words from the tangle of colourful adjectives and epithets that were fighting over themselves to be the first out of her mouth.
    Hurk seemed to sense that something was off. He looked down at himself and seemed to realize suddenly what it might be. “Oh!” he said, as if suddenly remembering something he had to pick up at the grocery store. “I’m sorry, I guess I should have reminded you. I work naked.”
    Bess still couldn’t articulate what she really wanted to say, so she asked the immediate question, “Reminded?”
    “Yeah,” Hurk replied. “You did call the Naked Flooring Company after all, and, well … that’s me. Naked.”
    “But…” Bess began to realize something, a feeling of new horror creeping over her. “I thought … naked meant … um … you know, like … a figure of speech. Like, naked, no carpet. Just wood.”
    Hurk chuckled again — a chuckle that now sounded to her as if it dripped with psychosis. “Oh, heaven’s, no! No, naked means naked! Nude, birthday suit, in the buff. It’s what I do. I just love wood — I mean, really love wood. See?” Hurk pointed at his crotch. “Cherry in particular. I love the feel, the look, the smell so much I even made it a part of me. Crafted with exquisite detail by my own hand, so you can see the kind of fine workmanship I do.”
    Bess couldn’t decide whether she wanted to vomit or run screaming into the woods. Instead, she ran back into the kitchen, grabbed a cleaver from the knife block, and returned to the living room.
    “Out,” Bess threatened, brandishing the cleaver. “Get. Out.”
    “Whoa, whoa,” Hurk pleaded, his hands up in a defensive position. “No need to get hostile here, lady, you called me, remember?”
    Out!” Bess yelled and lunged at him with the knife.”
    “Whoa!” Hurk exclaimed and ran from the weapon, making a circuit around a table, through the kitchen, around the displaced living room furniture, and then finally slamming into the screen door, desperately unlatching it to make his way outside.

    Bess slammed the door shut after him, then leaned her back against it to gather her wits. It was like some acid-fueled, X-rated episode of the Twilight Zone. She simply could not wrap her head around how it was possible for such a sheer volume of insanity could be packed so tightly into the space Hurk occupied, even despite his girth. She knew there were plenty of crazy people out there, but she never thought she’d fall victim to one, let alone one of such magnitude.
    Bess sighed heavily and closed her eyes in recovery, only to be interrupted by the half-dead doorbell again — the sound now seeming as twisted and bizarre as the events that had just unfolded. A swell of fear shot through her anew as she removed herself from the door, turned and, brandishing the cleaver behind her head, slowly opened the door again. It was him. He held up a hand to forestall what he knew she was going to yell at him.
    “Um,” he began. “It seems that in the scuffle, my penis came off.”
    Get out!” Bess shrieked.
    Hurk ran.

    Adores: 19
    • 2011 February 16
      Angel permalink

      Shades of Stephen King’s short story The Lawnmower Man (but it’s an obvious direction to go) and VERY well done, as always! You really should submit to a publisher!

      Adores: 2
    • 2011 February 16
      sarajean80 permalink

      “It seems that in the scuffle, my penis came off.”

      A truckload of “new in box” Brazilian cherry doors to you, eerily smiling puppy.

      Adores: 6
      • 2011 February 16
        mudslicker permalink

        And just so soon after Valentine’s Day…. I’ll take my doors in a dark chocolate Brazilian (waxed?) cherry!

        Adores: 1
    • 2011 February 16

      I was thinking what Angel posted. You often draw some eerily King-esque pictures with your words, freaky puppy.

      You certain your initials aren’t SK?

      Adores: 2
      • 2011 February 16
        Mindfield permalink

        +@Angel

        I won’t deny that there’s probably some King influence floating around in my brain, to be certain, though to be honest I wasn’t a huge King fan until I read The Stand. (I have a thing for thick books.) I liked the movies but never really got into his books ’til that. If anything I tend to read more Douglas Adams, David & Leigh Eddings, a couple of Roberts (Jordan, Asprin), a bunch of Terrys (Goodkind, Brooks, Pratchett), L.E. Modesitt Jr. (though he kind of annoys me with his occasional perspective and tense changes) — in other words, lots of sci-fi and fantasy. I blame Piers Anthony, whose books were what got me into reading many yonks ago. (Yes, Xanth. I read a lot of his other, hardier stuff later on, though.) Couldn’t really say if I tend to take after any one particular style, though if I had to single anyone out, I absolutely love Robert Jordan’s highly descriptive writing. It’s what makes his books so long — which appeals to my big-ass book fetish.

        Adores: 5
        • 2011 February 16
          Bombdude permalink

          Hear hear, smiley puppy!! On all counts!

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 February 16
          Angel permalink

          @smiley puppy
          There are so many of my own favorites in that author list that it’s no wonder that I’m fan of your work as well!

          There’s a wonderful used bookstore here that runs a sale once a month wherein every book is $1.00, and so I’ve picked up every book in Robert Jordan’s The Wheel of Time series but I’ve yet to read them. Perhaps the time has come!

          I met Piers Anthony once, at a book signing at the Crystal River Mall back when I lived there – I think he still lives outside Inverness (FL.) I treasure my signed copy of Tatham Mound not only because it was written by him but because he wrote such a compelling story of aboriginal Floridians and their contact with Spanish explorers. That’s a subject near and dear to my heart.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 February 16
          Mindfield permalink

          The Wheel of Time books are among my all-time favourites. They’re substantial tomes, quite deep, a little dark, and pretty much the epitome of epic fantasy. They’re a little cliche, of course — the usual good vs. evil story and such — but the dialog and wit is great, the characterizations are top notch, the world feels big and vibrant, and Jordan’s descriptive style really brought it to life for me. One of my favourite sayings comes from this series: “He strains to hear a whisper who refuses to hear a shout.” Truer words…

          I loved reading Anthony too, though. Many of his books were great (and I loved his re-release of But What of Earth? with all of the annotated copy-editor butchery that happened to it when it was first published), but the thing that tended to endear me to him on a more personal level were his end-of-book author’s notes, which were like pre-Internet personal blog entries. It humanized him, and by extension authors in general to me, allowing me a little glimpse into the man that wrote the books I’m reading, and in their own way made me realize that I, too, could write things, because I’m just a guy like him. He just happens to have a publisher. And more time than me. 🙂 I never got to meet him though — and I’d really loved to have done, so I’m envious.

          Adores: 1
    • 2011 February 16

      SmileyPuppy, I am always amazed at how you come up think of just the right name for your characters. Hurk is *exactly* what I thought you when you described him as overly hirsuite and naked.

      Adores: 5
      • 2011 February 16
        Mindfield permalink

        That’s pretty much why I named him that. 🙂 Although every time I typed it, I couldn’t help hearing that high-pitched little centaur voice from Rocket Robin Hood.

        Adores: 1
    • 2011 February 16
      Addicted Reader permalink

      Disturbing Excellent story as usual, MF.

      However, one typo caught my eye:

      No, while his solder was standing at attention, it was, in fact, crafted of actual wood.

      Can one solder wood? Gives it a whole new meaning.

      Adores: 2
      • 2011 February 16
        Mindfield permalink

        Doh! I missed that one, thanks. I’d spotted an erroneous apostrophe in “heavens” and a superfluous “layers” earlier — after it was too late to edit, naturally. This is why I’d suck as a copy-editor.

        But, y’know … maybe he soldered his wood on. *wince*

        (I don’t know why I’m wincing at that when the entire concept is cringeworthy.)

        I’ve fixed it for the stored copy, at least, for its eventual posting on the blog, whenever I get around to putting it up. (Which I should do soon. Too many projects…)

        Adores: 4
        • 2011 February 16
          Astrognash permalink

          You should put an ad on Craigslist for someone to set up the blog for you!

          Adores: 5
  17. 2011 February 16
    Mindfield permalink

    Hey, looky! Alice and I are new in box.

    Adores: 5
    • 2011 February 16

      We’re not going to open the box and find your wood staring back at us, are we?

      Adores: 5
      • 2011 February 16
        Mindfield permalink

        Not as long as you open the top first.

        Adores: 4
        • 2011 February 16
          sarajean80 permalink

          Yeah, EB – take your the top off!

          Adores: 6
  18. 2011 February 16
    Meej permalink

    Wow, such witty comments today… I’m floored!

    Adores: 11
    • 2011 February 16

      I know right, nothing like some good hard wood to start the morning off.

      Adores: 3
  19. 2011 February 16
    Mindfield permalink

    Oh, my. It looks like a new entity in the world of pawning crap aimed at a very specific segment of the population has been born.

    I guess that means it’s time for this place to spin off a sister site (er, excuse me, thithter thite): You Thuck at Craigthlithp.

    Adores: 4
    • 2011 February 16
      Lola permalink

      *clicks link*

      Theriouthly?

      Adores: 3
      • 2011 February 16
        TacoFingers MagicSexy permalink

        I know right?!

        I don’t get it.

        Adores: 1
        • 2011 February 16

          Do you get this?

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 February 16
          LimeLolly permalink

          All I want for Chrithmath is ma two front teeth….

          Adores: 3
      • 2011 February 16
        sarajean80 permalink

        It has to be a joke. The ads are identical to the real CraigsList (I checked) but every s has been changed into a th.

        Adores: 1
        • 2011 February 16

          I checked too. It’th pretty awethome :-p

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 February 16
          TacoFingers MagicSexy permalink

          Yeah, all they do is load craigslist and replace all the ‘s”s with ‘th’ via a PHP script.

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 February 16
          Mindfield permalink

          It probably works the same way Google’s various mock translators do (I just linked one — the best one, of course — so this doesn’t get modded). It just “translates” the real CL pages into lisp. (The speech impediment, not the programming language, which might only be funny to geeks.)

          Kind of funny though.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 February 16
          TacoFingers MagicSexy permalink

          Bad puppy! We close our arguments properly here! *Rubs Mindfield’s face in a book of HTML code*

          Also, the horror!

          EDIT: Thanks for editing your comment, now I just look like a jerk.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 February 16
          Lola permalink

          Yeah, all they do is load craigslist and replace all the ‘s”s with ‘th’ via a PHP script

          I was wondering who had the free time to do that, but if it’s as simple as just rewriting the code like that, then they don’t need much. Still … odd. I’m guessing: private joke.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 February 16
          sarajean80 permalink

          That’s what I was thinking, except it was something like “They did some computer thingy to automatically change the letters” since I don’t possess the tech savvy to put it the other way.

          Adores: 4
    • 2011 February 16
      CapnMac permalink

      Ok, the right-hand sidebar got my attention (was an intrusion incident down to south Texas not long ago). So, it was curious that the site really links back to the Bay Area CL.

      I’m sore afraid to inquire if there is a link to lisp and SF in any way shape or form.
      (And I have to remain steadfast in my belief that this is a nerdprank upon the people of Autodesk in Sausolito, who do so much yeoman work in the LISP programming language.)
      I am so not going to like writing this incident report up.

      Adores: 0
  20. 2011 February 16

    OT – sorta – I think my snark is broken. No, really, ever since the flu/bronchitis episode I just don’t seem to be able to get back into the (tongue and) groove. It’s as if some naked Brazilian has stolen my cherry and no amount of flooring is getting me wood. Sigh….

    Adores: 10
    • 2011 February 16

      You have a naked Brazilian? Did you “borrow” him from Bridgete?

      Adores: 4
      • 2011 February 16
        Lola permalink

        I want a cherry-stealing naked Brazilian* too, like all the cool YSAC people! 8)

        *Actually have a specific Brazilian in mind, too, but we have too much in common, in that we both like guys.

        Adores: 10
        • 2011 February 16
          sarajean80 permalink

          Nothing a little role-playing or some major surgery couldn’t fix.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 February 16
          Angel permalink

          LOL@ lola

          Loving the new jiffy-pop avatar hairdo too by the way. Or is that… new wave? Or am I just imagining that it’s new?

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 February 17
          Lola permalink

          It’s new. It’s a hat; the red bit is the actual hair. 🙂

          Adores: 0
  21. 2011 February 16


    It’s my cherry floor
    Install in the nude such a squick surprise
    It’s not too thin it’s top quality
    Sweet cherry floor, yeah

    Woaw

    Well, swingin’ to and fro, swingin’ back N forth
    Swingin’ where they want I hope there ain’t nobody home
    Swingin’ to the left and swingin’ to the right
    I think I hit my balls with a 2×4, yeeeow!
    Ouch, ouch!

    Adores: 5
  22. 2011 February 16
    Sinvius permalink

    *Twitches*

    Must… ignore… lack of punctuation!

    Adores: 1
    • 2011 February 16
      Addicted Reader permalink

      Welcome back!

      Adores: 1
  23. 2011 February 16
    Addicted Reader permalink

    I can’t help reading it as “cheery flooring,” since it’s such a cheery ad!

    Also, what?

    Adores: 2
    • 2011 February 16

      That’s how my mind interpretted it at first. Then I got to the naked bit and thought, no wonder it’s cheery.

      Adores: 4
      • 2011 February 16
        Addicted Reader permalink

        The smiley face makes it hard not to read it as “cheery.”

        Adores: 4
  24. 2011 February 16
    Astrognash permalink

    [matt]Gosh, can’t you people see that “flooring” is a misspelling of “flu-ring”? This is not an ad, nay, ’tis a Public Service Announcement! Don’t you people care about your health?

    Also, it’s best installed in the nude because of *ahem* where it needs to be installed.[/matt]

    Adores: 4
    • 2011 February 16

      I don’t want a flu-ring installed, naked or otherwise.

      Adores: 4
      • 2011 February 16
        Jen permalink

        I concur! You can take your flu-ring, and shove it up… *whispered asides* Oh, he did? Why on earth would… *further whispers* Oh. Oh, I… see. I’ll just be… going. Now.

        Adores: 5
  25. 2011 February 16
    SpaceBug permalink

    I think I remember this guy, didn’t he used to repair fences?

    Adores: 5
    • 2011 February 16
      Jen permalink

      Hey, any way he can get his hands on others people’s wood, while naked, is good enough for him.

      Unfortunately it’s also good enough to violate his ASBO…

      Adores: 4
  26. 2011 February 16
    Windrose permalink

    Outside: Raining. All day raining.
    Inside: Waiting for tea, kettle about to boil.
    Home Early Because: My job stressed me out too much. My boss interrupted my lunch to call me in to a meeting to point out how we did not follow her instructions that she didn’t think she had to give to us again in this same but different situation. Then she hopped into her Mustang, Sea Biscuit, and drove like mad down to San Diego for a meeting. About 2 hours later, I was feeling poorly. Now, I feel much better. 8)

    Adores: 2
    • 2011 February 16
      Addicted Reader permalink

      Sorry to hear about the stress, I hope the helps!

      Outside: not so cold
      Inside: I have a cold

      Time for knockout cold meds and bed.

      Adores: 2
      • 2011 February 16
        Addicted Reader permalink

        *I hope the tea helps.

        Adores: 1
      • 2011 February 16
        Mindfield permalink

        Bosses. Can’t live with ’em, they don’t fit in the microwave.

        Mild here in Toronto, just above freezing, supposed to get into spring-like temps over the next few days. Should melt most of the surface snow we’ve accumulated. Moar! I’m done with winter.

        Adores: 3
  27. 2011 February 17
    Angel permalink

    It’s pushing 80 F here – I’ll trade you.

    Adores: 0
  28. 2011 February 17
    Windrose permalink

    Uh. Wonky site. Ew. Okay, Alice and Mindee, here’s your tandem Punchity Punch Punch!

    G’Night, Floorida!

    Adores: 0
  29. 2014 April 17

    I’ve been exploring for a little for any high quality articles or weblog posts on this sort of space .
    Exploring in Yahoo I at last stumbled upon this site.
    Studying this information So i’m satisfied to express that I’ve a very excellent uncanny feeling I came
    upon just what I needed. I most no doubt will make sure to don?t fail
    to remember this site and provides it a glance on a continuing basis.

    Adores: 0

Trackbacks & Pingbacks

  1. Wood « Two Bite Stories

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.