YSaC, Vol 927: Oh, what a tangled web our f***ing cousin's neighbor weaves.
This one's behind a cut, because there's just a LITTLE bit of salty language.
Is your website fucked up?
I help folks de-fuck their websites. Some of the fucked up shit people ask/beg/pray for me to help them with includes:
# Dealing with their fucked up commerce shit that doesn't work and never has, damn it
# Getting the fuck rid of that hideous fucking design your cousin's neighbor did five fucking years ago
# Adding tools so you can manage all of the fucking content that has built up over the years
# Adding a fucking blog or a god-damn photo gallery or even a fucking christ-forsaken "contact us" form
# Moving sites to a new server that isn't so fucking slow
# Getting people the fuck off of those bullshit Microsoft products
# Improving weak-as-shit search engine performance
# Fixing the gaping huge fucking security holes that let those fucking hacker fucks steal your shit
# Building complex data-driven websites that actually work worth a fucking damn
If it's fucked, I can help you de-fuck it. 15 years experience with all kinds of commerce, content management and CRM systems and all types and manners of fucked up shit. I do Drupal, Ubercart, CiviCRM, php, perl, css, xhtml, apache, linux, Joomla, Word Press, Movable Type, Zen Cart...and that's just the tip of the fucking iceberg. I even fucking live on Capitol Hill.
I'm not the cheapest guy out there, but chances are I can de-fuck your shit pretty quickly. And remember: The #1 leading cause of a fucked up website is that it was built by some fucking idiot who had no idea how to make anything fucking work. Remember that guy? He was cheap, and his shit didn't work. So, fuck that fuck. Drop me a line and let's start de-fucking your fucked up shit today! Or just pick up the fucking phone and call ### ### #### and we'll talk shit.
Fuck yeah we will.
PS: No, this is not a fucking joke. Yes, I am a real fucking person. Send a fucking email to ###@###### for fuck's sake and tell me about your fucked up technology problems.
Well, I must say, for sheer professionalism, it'll be tough to beat this fuckin' guy. Based on his extensive fucking listing of the fucking problems people have with their fucking websites, he's obviously some kind of fucking expert. I'm sure he'll have a bunch of fucking brilliant ideas for improving your fucking website.
Especially if you happen to be Quentin Tarantino. Still, I can't help but worry about what, for example, the Sesame Street website might look like after he got his hands on it:
"Hey there, all you little fucks. Are you ready to fucking count to three?"