YSaC, Vol. 958: Go, man, go.

2011 April 4

Mango iron – $30


Nice, mango iron for sale. Needs happy home, or will go to the dump at the end of the week. Please email with any questions.

*raises hand*

Um, yes, I have a question. I wasn’t aware that mangoes needed to be ironed. Have I been doing mangoes wrong this entire time? Has the rest of the fruit world been mocking me for my wrinkled mangoes? Or are they possibly being bullied at school for their appearance?

Also, are mango irons particularly susceptible to family strife somehow? Is it really a preferable option for them to go to a waste facility rather than be rehomed somewhere with a minimal amount of domestic dischord?

Thanks, Toby!

171 Responses leave one →
  1. 2011 April 4
    Lara permalink

    I am so confused, no matter how much I squint that doesn’t look like an iron or a mango

    Adores: 11
    • 2011 April 4

      Maybe it’s Jeremy Irons mango?

      Adores: 3
      • 2011 April 4
        PrincessLuceval permalink

        “Jeremy Iron’s Mango” sounds like an intelligent Blind Melon cover band.

        Adores: 4
      • 2011 April 4

        I love Jeremy Irons. I bet his Mango iron is sweeter than that though. This is a cheap knockoff of his mango iron. Good call on Irons though. I’m watching Die Hard With a Vengeance again. Today!

        Adores: 0
      • 2011 April 4

        Wait, I thought Iron Mango was the band that sang In-a-Gotta-Chiquita?

        Adores: 3
        • 2011 April 4
          ghostcat permalink

          According to Uncle Google, it’s also an album by The Peter Moon Band.

          Adores: 0
  2. 2011 April 4
    Lara permalink

    Why will it go to the dump if it goes to an unhappy home? How will it get there? Do mango irons emit some slime like slugs so they can slide down to the dump? What will it find there, a happy family of mango irons to stay with?

    Adores: 8
    • 2011 April 4
      Artsy Computer Geek permalink

      Now if it were an avocado iron I could understand. They are kind of wrinkly.

      Adores: 3
    • 2011 April 4
      CapnMac permalink

      So, we have to keep the iron locked up at home for the first three weeks, lest it try and “rehome” itself, in case our home is insufficiently “happy” in the iron’s opinion?

      Adores: 7
  3. 2011 April 4

    Psssh…that’s not a mango iron, it’s quite obviously a mango toothbrush.

    Mango irons are smaller and usually come already bedazzled.

    It’s also a little-known fact that an unhappy mango is just not something you want around your house – trust me on this – so yeah I can understand why it must go to a happy home or the dump.

    Adores: 17
  4. 2011 April 4

    I prefer permanent press papayas.

    Adores: 15
    • 2011 April 4
      ghostcat permalink

      Much better than those dry clean only durians.

      Adores: 8
      • 2011 April 4
        SisterLyle permalink

        Exactly… no matter how many times you dry clean that durian, it still smells like an elephant’s ass.

        Adores: 4
        • 2011 April 4
          ghostcat permalink

          I’ve never been that close to an elephant so I’ll take your word for it.

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 April 4

          Neither have I, but I can tell you it smells like New Jersey on a hot and muggy day. Not that area, which mostly smells like styling gel and Axe, more like the Bayonne area, which smells like dead fish and slaughterhouses. Although I suppose it’s a matter of personal taste which one is worse.

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 April 4

          New, from AXE – Dead Fish and Slaughterhouse scent!

          Don’t laugh…it could happen…or already has.

          Adores: 13
        • 2011 April 4
          TacoMagic permalink

          I prefer their low-tide scent. I’m also a fan of Dumpster-on-a-hot-day.

          Adores: 10
        • 2011 April 4

          How about Wet Dog scent?

          Adores: 10
        • 2011 April 4
          TacoMagic permalink

          Glad somebody got the reference :-).

          Adores: 5
        • 2011 April 4

          [durian true story] Durian fruit get flown all over Asia in cargo planes, as they are a delicacy…gag…turns out they actually set off the laser smoke detectors on in the cargo holds. I worked for a few months testing and fixing this problem. The tests involved pallet loads of “fresh” durian fruit in an enclosed space (hurk) We had several Asian engineers who drooled over the darn things and couldn’t wait to dive in and feast at the end of each day’s testing [/durian true story]

          Adores: 6
        • 2011 April 4

          They sell durian in an ethnic supermarket right where I live. Fortunately they only sell it whole and frozen, so the smell doesn’t escape the spiky shell.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 April 4

          You must not ever have been near a whole pallet of them 😉

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 April 4
          ghostcat permalink

          I’ve heard it said that ripe cheeses smell to Asians the way durians smell to Westerners; if that’s true I’d like to apologize for every dairy product I’ve ever enjoyed within noseshot* of an Asian person.

          *Spellcheck seems to think this is a real word.

          Adores: 8
        • 2011 April 4
          SisterLyle permalink

          At least they didn’t auto-correct it to ‘nose snot.’

          Adores: 8
        • 2011 April 4

          @ Taco – yep…I have SIX grandkids, all under the age of 6, so my life is very much like a PIXAR movie.

          Just keep swimming…swimming…swimming…

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 April 4
          SisterLyle permalink

          CJ, I have one son under the age of 3 so I’m completely there, too. Pixar and, for some inexplicable reason, Shaun the Sheep (which is actually really cute).

          Adores: 0
    • 2011 April 4
      Irregular Fractal permalink

      Pret-à-porter papaya is the name of my Phoenix cover band.

      Adores: 5
      • 2011 April 4
        LurkRealClose permalink

        Stain Resistant Star Fruit?
        Wash and Wear Watermelon?

        Adores: 3
        • 2011 April 4
          CapnMac permalink

          Wash-n-wear ugli?

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 April 4

          I’ll take “Leisure Suits” for $200, Capn.

          Adores: 1
  5. 2011 April 4
    Brent permalink

    Maybe we’re all going about this the wrong way. Mangoes are high in iron content, so this is clearly an attempt to sell vitamins, but it’s also quite possible that the iron in question is actual iron that has been taken from the ground and is shaped, flavored, scented or textured like a mango. Possibly all of the above.

    Adores: 8
  6. 2011 April 4
    SisterLyle permalink

    Nice, misfired photograph for sale. I was aiming for my nifty mango iron but missed and ran out of pictures. So here’s a random shot of something having nothing to do with it. Either way, it needs happy home – as angry owners make it cry – or will go to the dump at the end of the week. Please email with any questions. Also, I have a nice kiwi 5-iron I will post later this week (the picture will be of a washboard so you will know it is my post). Thanx!@!!111

    Adores: 12
    • 2011 April 4
      TacoMagic permalink

      I once had a chest freezer with separation anxiety. Whenever I left the house it would spray ice chips all over the front door then frost all the house plants.

      That’s why I no longer raise pure-bred appliances, the mutts have far fewer psychological malfunctions. Granted having a microwave that sucks dirt off the floor takes some getting used to, but there is a certain satisfaction in seeing them placed in a good natured house.*

      *My house may seem like a jerk, but he has a heart of gold. It’s in the basement, I’ve seen it.

      (Need you any more evidence that I should pour myself a cup of coffee?)

      Adores: 13
      • 2011 April 4
        Artsy Computer Geek permalink

        passes Taco an extra large mug of coffee ….. I made it for you myself. It does seem a little thick.

        Adores: 2
        • 2011 April 4
          TacoMagic permalink

          *Grabs his knife and fork*

          Yay coffee!

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 April 4

          If it isn’t thick, it isn’t going in my mouth*.

          * Wait, that didn’t come out right**.
          ** Neither did that***
          *** Oh, crap, RECURSIVE META COMMENTS*.

          Adores: 8
      • 2011 April 4
        CapnMac permalink

        Allegedly, I’m being sent some fascinating food-science chemicals.
        Specifically the ones for making “caviar” by gelling droplets of good stuff.

        Coffee ‘caviar’ is on my list right there with 70+% cacao chocolate.

        Adores: 3
        • 2011 April 4
          ghostcat permalink

          I’ve been contemplating getting some alginate and the like, let me know how the culinary experiments go.

          Adores: 0
      • 2011 April 4
        Astrognash permalink

        Do you also have Zaphod and Marvin in there, Taco?

        Adores: 0
        • 2011 April 4
          TacoMagic permalink

          And here I thought I was being all sneaky with that reference.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 April 4
          SisterLyle permalink

          You’ve underestimated the power and dorky knowledge of the YSaC Snarkers.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 April 4
          Astrognash permalink

          OMF*, what a dork.

          *Oh My Forty-Two

          Adores: 4
    • 2011 April 4
      Jen permalink

      “Also, I have a nice kiwi 5-iron I will post later.”

      *ears perk up* Huh? Oh wait, no, I’m only into wood.

      The corner? But muuuuuuuuummmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!

      Adores: 4
  7. 2011 April 4
    ghostcat permalink

    Time to play “What Is Sparky Really Selling?”!

    Now it looks like a strange white box partially under a blanket, but I’ll just do some CSI-style computer enhancement stuff to the photo and …

    Now it’s a blurry, pixelated strange white box partially under a blanket.

    Adores: 18
    • 2011 April 4

      Ahhh…..much better. Thanks!

      Adores: 14
      • 2011 April 4
        ghostcat permalink

        You know me; I’m all about helping people.

        Adores: 14
        • 2011 April 4
          TacoMagic permalink

          If you rotate the picture in the 3d space by 180º you can see that it was printed on Kodak paper.

          The plot thickens like a delicious Louisiana stew. The plot is also chunky and full of vital nutrients.

          Spoonful of plot anyone?

          EDIT: I just rotated the digital reconstruction of the picture by 180º. It looks suspiciously like the back of my monitor. This villain may be too clever for me.

          Adores: 12
    • 2011 April 4
      Artsy Computer Geek permalink

      I think it’s an iron lined box that has the space alien Sparky caught sneaking around last week.

      edit — the mangoes are just to mislead you.

      Adores: 3
      • 2011 April 4

        I’m often mislead by fruit. Just last week a banana convinced me that it was piece of bread.

        Adores: 16
        • 2011 April 4

          And don’t even get me started on the apples!!

          Adores: 9
        • 2011 April 4
          SisterLyle permalink

          I know someone who can teach you how to defend yourself against vicious fruit-based attacks.

          Adores: 8
        • 2011 April 4
          ghostcat permalink

          And those damn kiwis, pretending to be people and not delicious tropical fruit!

          Adores: 11
        • 2011 April 4
          TacoMagic permalink

          Nice one, Lyle. I knew all those years of Brit-coms would pay off.*

          *And by pay off I mean show up on an online blog someday.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 April 4
          SisterLyle permalink

          [Off Topic for the submission but partially On Topic for the British humor]
          We called a client the other day to remind them about their dog’s appointment… the phone said “please enjoy this musical selection while we connect you.” The “musical selection” was “Every Sperm is Sacred.” The office manager and I nearly died laughing. [/OT]

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 April 4
          Not.A.Nom permalink

          And those damn kiwis, pretending to be people and not delicious tropical fruit!

          Uh, yeah, yeah, damn us for NOT being deliciously tasty! Oooh it’s a good thing we’re just people-flavoured, rather than tasting like the most mouth-watering combination of sweet, tropical fruits known to Mr Winkey man, otherwise only our geographical isolation would stop hordes of cannibal tourists heading to our pristine isles to munch on the delightfully friendly and nommable inhabitants! And once they realised they had access to planes and such, we’d be screwed! Hahahahahaha *nervous twitch*

          Adores: 4
    • 2011 April 4
      Bombdude permalink

      At first glance, it reminded me of a close up of the side of the top bunk in the winter bagel…

      Adores: 2
    • 2011 April 4
      CapnMac permalink

      I, too, felt compelled to zoom in on the image repeatedly.

      Still looks like some sort of flat bar, black in color, with a wider bit that may have red on it. Which may, or may not, be resting upon the box it arrived within. Which is next to a sofa or a bed draped in a striped cover or blanket.

      Oddly, my cyberwarfare scanner keeps reporting “Error (e^(i*pi))+1, Proportions 2:4:9, My god, it’s full of mang

      Adores: 4
  8. 2011 April 4

    If I’m looking at that picture right, this mango iron is long and rod-like, at least what we can see of it in the image. This would seem to indicate that it is a golf implement. You know, 1-iron, 2-iron, 3-iron … 8-iron, 9-iron, mango iron. This is an old and long-discontinued club used up until about the 1930s when a rule existed wherein once per hole, at the player’s discretion, the opponent’s ball could be substituted with a mango as long as it was not on the green (because mangos couldn’t fit in the hole) or in a sand trap (because this delayed the game by several hours, as mangoes were impossible to get out of the trap).

    Although it is not pictured well here, the mango iron itself is actually quite stout of shaft, and the clubhead had a much larger surface area than standard irons, and was pitched at 33° to give the mango a decent amount of loft while also attaining a respectable distance — at least by the standards of tropical fruit.

    Ultimately, the problem with the mango substitution rule was that mangos weren’t very stout, and raw mango nectar was both very sticky and acidic. While this made for good eating, it wasn’t kind on the clubs; it was hard to get all of it off so it tended to corrode the iron over time, golfers frequently had to clean their hands from the splashback, and less astute golfers had a bad habit of sticking their mangos in the ball washer, which then had to be emptied out and cleaned thoroughly before it could be used again. The rule was discontinued in 1932, much to the relief of PETOF — People for the Ethical Treatment of Oblong Fruit.

    Adores: 7
    • 2011 April 4
      Jen permalink

      less astute golfers had a bad habit of sticking their mangos in the ball washer

      *snicker*

      If you can mistake your balls for mangoes, you’re doing it wrong.

      Adores: 1
      • 2011 April 4
        ghostcat permalink

        And you should probably be seeing a doctor rather than playing golf.

        Adores: 3
        • 2011 April 4
          LurkRealClose permalink

          I thought the golf course was where doctors hang it all out?

          Wait……

          Adores: 1
  9. 2011 April 4
    Windrose permalink

    Sparky is so confused. What we have here is a mango ironing board, with a slot for catching the dripping juices. The iron, which is not pictured, juices and pasteurizes the mango in one go. Of course, this is an older model, not self cleaning, so it’s not worth anything. But it must go to a happy home or it could be used in domestic violence situations. The dump is much better than that.

    Adores: 6
    • 2011 April 4
      LimeLolly permalink

      You have to wonder about the inventor. I mean who sits there and says, I wish my food had less wrinkles ?

      Adores: 2
      • 2011 April 4
        TacoMagic permalink

        Limey, stop slandering my invention!

        EDIT: Inventive Slander is IF’s “Rage Against the Machine” cover band.

        Adores: 5
        • 2011 April 4
          LimeLolly permalink

          I still wonder. Why can’t you just make fruit jerky like the rest of the world?

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 April 4
          TacoMagic permalink

          I find it too leathery. Properly ironed fruit has a much softer texture.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 April 4
          Irregular Fractal permalink

          Not to be confused with Slanderous Invective, my Talking Heads cover group.

          Adores: 4
      • 2011 April 4
        LurkRealClose permalink

        Not to quibble, but I really think that should be fewer wrinkles.

        I wish my food had fewer wrinkles.

        See? Now that makes sense. 🙂

        Adores: 2
  10. 2011 April 4
    Camille permalink

    I don’t think there’s anything I can say that’s funnier than “mango iron.”

    (Even if I were to go all Corey on you and suggest that it’s supposed to be a “mangle iron,” the photo doesn’t begin to look like a mangle iron either. Perhaps it’s a mangled mango.)

    Adores: 2
    • 2011 April 4
      TacoMagic permalink

      Zucchini Washing Machine
      Peach Polisher
      Rutabaga Dry Cleaner
      Kumquat Steamer
      Banana Washboard
      Carrot Beater

      Ok, now they’re just starting to sound like sexual acts.

      “I’d really like to Iron her Mango, heh heh heh.”

      EDIT Seriously, I can spell Zucchini without any problems but I screw up “beater”? What the heck?

      Adores: 4
      • 2011 April 4
        SisterLyle permalink

        It’s just that special brand of spelling that’s so singularly yours.

        Adores: 1
        • 2011 April 4
          TacoMagic permalink

          Example: I can spell Chronosynclastic Infundibulum perfectly well, but I often put an extra r in verry very.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 April 4

          Mmmm. Raspberry Infundibulum.

          Adores: 1
      • 2011 April 4
        tigprincess permalink

        you got me on Kumquat Steamer. X

        Adores: 2
      • 2011 April 4

        What kind of sex acts are you into there Magica? Actually, I was thinking the same thing, so the same could be asked of me. As a teen, the poor fruit were implicated in all manner of freakiness.

        *Not really, but it sounded funny. And I saw an Andrew Dice Clay routine last night. Ya I said it. Andrew. Dice. Clay.

        Adores: 0
    • 2011 April 4
      LurkRealClose permalink

      Ok, Camille. So what’s a “mangle iron”?

      Adores: 2
      • 2011 April 4
        TacoMagic permalink

        That’s the one you use when you hit the golf ball out of a sand trap into another sand trap.

        Adores: 2
      • 2011 April 4
        Camille permalink

        [laundry Corey] It’s basically a big ironing / pressing machine, used to iron things like sheets and tablecloths. You feed the cloth between two rollers (I think at least one of them is heated) and it comes out flat and dry. You’re more likely to see them in old-fashioned commercial laundries than in homes. [/laundry Corey]

        Adores: 3
        • 2011 April 4

          They actually call it a mangle iron? Was it possessed by a demon?

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 April 4
          Camille permalink

          It can also be called just a “mangle,” and yeah, maybe the demonic possession thing explains why it needs a happy home.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 April 4
          ghostcat permalink

          Here’s what wacky cousin Wiki has to say;

          http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mangle_(machine)

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 April 4
          LimeLolly permalink

          My family isn’t going to be happy, but it’s very clear to me that housekeeping is too dangerous. There are too many appliances that could possibly be possessed by demons.

          Anybody want a vacuum or blender? Must go to a happy home.

          Adores: 6
        • 2011 April 4
          Camille permalink

          On an only tangentially related old-fashioned-laundry-machine side note, it makes me crazy when people write “put through the ringer” when what they mean is “put through the wringer.” Do they think it refers to some kind of traumatic experience with a telephone?

          Adores: 6
        • 2011 April 4

          Oh, and on a totally unrelated but six-degrees-of-laundry separation to the ringer/wringer comment..

          I cannot stand it when someone says “all THE sudden” when they should be saying “all OF A sudden”.

          Drives me batshit…and not all of a sudden, either.

          I need a wringer to put the lips of the next person who says that through.

          Adores: 5
        • 2011 April 4

          CLEAN ALL THE SUDDEN!

          Adores: 5
        • 2011 April 4

          Easy for you to say, freaky puppy, you have no lips!

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 April 4

          It’s amazing how many things that gets me out of.

          While we’re sharing, my grammatical peeve: “Sort of speak” or its bastard cousin, “sorta speak.”

          Look, I understand how you can mishear the phrase in a way that kind of still makes sense (“Sort of speak. You know, it’s like … speak … but, you know … only sort of. It’s like a cow’s opinion. It’s moo.”), but only if you accept (or don’t realize) that you sound like an idiot saying it.

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 April 4
          LurkRealClose permalink

          Freaky puppy for President! New foreign policy:

          CLEAN ALL THE SUDAN!!

          No, seriously. Someone’s tracked some sand over a great deal of it and it needs to be sweat up before your mother in laws comes to visit next week.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 April 4
          Jen permalink

          it needs to be sweat up

          Ew! I mean, I know it’s hot over there, but seriously. Get some X-men axemen Axe, man.

          Adores: 0
    • 2011 April 4
      CapnMac permalink

      I am so glad you ciphered mango = mangle, the “what” this actually is was turning my brain into strawberry Coulee.

      Adores: 1
  11. 2011 April 4
    TacoMagic permalink

    Sparky is very not good at mangos.

    Adores: 1
    • 2011 April 4

      I’m willing to bet Sparky lacks sufficient aptitude for any number of fruits. Except, perhaps, bananas.

      Adores: 2
      • 2011 April 4
        TacoMagic permalink

        *Googles Banana Aptitude*

        Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

        Adores: 2
        • 2011 April 4

          I’m not going to Google that myself, but I imagine there were a lot of links about Kirk Cameron.

          Adores: 2
    • 2011 April 4
      LurkRealClose permalink

      New web site idea, You Suck at Fruit.

      Adores: 7
      • 2011 April 4
        Irregular Fractal permalink

        Bird internet…

        Adores: 2
        • 2011 April 4
          CapnMac permalink

          30 Rock “Plan B” reference FTW

          Adores: 1
      • 2011 April 4
        Astrognash permalink

        Banana.

        My uttering that one word has just completely changed the context of this prospective fruit-based spinoff.

        Adores: 1
        • 2011 April 4
          TacoMagic permalink

          Rule 34!

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 April 4
          Camille permalink

          Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?

          Adores: 1
  12. 2011 April 4
    Bombdude permalink

    Another fine example of:

    “Give me some money for my crap, or I’m gonna throw it away… Nyah!”

    Here’s a thought, if you’re gonna throw it away anyway, why not give it away?

    Adores: 3
    • 2011 April 4

      What are you, crazy? He’s not just going to give his mango iron away, he paid good money for that at some point in the past!

      (Sadly, this sort of thought process does exist, and it isn’t all that uncommon, either.)

      Adores: 2
      • 2011 April 4
        TacoMagic permalink

        I believe the summary of the mentality is:

        “If I can’t get something from it then nobody is gonna have it!”

        The mentality might seem a little vindictive and childish, but that’s only because it totally is.

        Speaking of which, I’ve got a box of door knobs that I’m planning on just throwing away. But if anyone has $5 they’re yours.

        Adores: 4
        • 2011 April 4
          LurkRealClose permalink

          When I lived in Washington, DC, there was always an ad in the back of the City Paper for a $5 box of old VW parts. It either never sold, this guy had lots of such boxes, or the same parts just kept getting moved around from VW enthusiast to VW enthusiast, and they removed and added parts as needed.

          Adores: 1
  13. 2011 April 4

    I keep staring at the picture and the only thing that has become clear is that whatever it actually is, I don’t want it.

    Adores: 7
    • 2011 April 4

      But don’t you want to unravel the mystery?

      Is it a curiously specific iron that removes wrinkles from mangoes?
      Is it a fruity golf club?
      Is it a barbell with large mangoes on each end?
      Is it some kind of iron alloy with mangoes mixed in to forge some sort of sweet, syrupy steel?
      Is it a red-and-green (or Ataulfo-yellow) mottled hunk of metal?
      Is it the door password to a secret society of platypus worshipers called The Poison Spurs cleverly packaged in a waffle maker?
      Is it Crispin Glover?

      Adores: 6
      • 2011 April 4

        Clearly, it’s an artistic rendering of a mango iron left to lie on the cold linoleum that depicts man’s inhumanity to man.

        Adores: 8
      • 2011 April 4

        I can’t solve the mystery, the rest of the gang went out in the van to pick up more Scooby snacks. That was 12 years ago; I’m beginning to think they may not be coming back.

        Adores: 8
        • 2011 April 4

          *ears perk up*

          Bawroo?

          Adores: 2
      • 2011 April 4
        LurkRealClose permalink

        Is it the door password to a secret society of platypus worshipers called The Poison Spurs cleverly packaged in a waffle maker?

        No, that I would recongnize.

        Adores: 2
        • 2011 April 4
          ghostcat permalink

          There’s not a password, you just have to show a picture of an aardvark’s nipples.

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 April 4

          *knock knock*
          *security window slides open*
          Guard: “What’s the password?”
          *holds up picture*
          Guard: “You may enter.”
          *door unlocks, opens*
          “Ha-ha! Fooled you! Those were my nipples!”

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 April 4
          Astrognash permalink

          I dub thee Chimera. Thou art a fell beast of the wildernesses brought forth by the unholy union of man, dog, and aardvark. By the power of the Clothespin Spices that doth compel me, I cast ye out! Away, hellspawn, back to the depths from whence ye slithered!

          Adores: 5
  14. 2011 April 4
    PrincessLuceval permalink

    Whatever it is, I think it looks absolutely stunning covered with the aqua-embroidered chenille bathroom rug. Sparky certainly knows how to stage a photo.

    Unless, of course, the rug is caught in the “mango” and is irrevocably part of the sale. Bonus!

    Adores: 6
  15. 2011 April 4

    Show of hands…

    How many of you are sitting at your desk, staring at your monitor and cocking your head side to side as you try to figure out what the hell this is?

    Adores: 13
    • 2011 April 4

      I only cock my head if he’s really cute.

      * I know where the corner is, thank you.

      Adores: 5
    • 2011 April 4

      I can’t show my hand and c…

      “Hi Kelli, what are you doing in my corner?”

      Adores: 4
      • 2011 April 4

        I’m not touching you.

        Adores: 2
        • 2011 April 4

          *Wags*

          *Whines pitifully*

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 April 4

          I’m not falling for it Hammy, but if you behave I’ll throw you a bone later (or should that be the other way around?).

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 April 4

          I’m torn between saying “Oh, so that other thing between his legs is a winch,” and “If he can throw it, he isn’t,” so I’m just going to take the high road* and say nothing.

          * All roads lead to a corner.

          Adores: 4
    • 2011 April 4
      CapnMac permalink

      *raises hand*

      *realizes now looks like some sort of pseudo-yoga pose, and ducks and hides; to feel even more foolish as not even the cat was watchingwarching*

      Adores: 4
  16. 2011 April 4
    TacoMagic permalink

    “My Mangoes are so lumpy and misshapen! I can’t serve these at my party, what am I to do?”

    Has this ever happened to you? Well now there’s hope!

    *Picture of mango slices*

    We can turn this!

    *BING!*

    *Picture of flat mango slices*

    Into this! With the magic of the Mango Iron™ you too can serve uniform mango like the pros!

    “Before the Mango Iron™ my dinner parties were a disaster! Mango slices that were different, lumpy shapes. My guests pretended they didn’t notice, but I knew they were just trying to make me feel better. But now, the Mango Iron™ keeps all my slices uniform and thin! Thank you Mango Iron™”

    Yes, with Mango Iron™’s patented dual bladed roller presses with reciprocating doohickey technology your mango will look like a professional flattened it for you! Simply place the mango into the receptacle and a short 7 hours later you will have perfectly sliced and flattened Mango! It’s just that easy!

    Now you would probably expect to pay upward of $280,000 for a slick invention like this! Sure you would. But I’m here to tell you that you won’t even pay $100,000. Not even $10,000! In fact, if you buy it from Scamco today, you’ll pay less than even $1,000! For 12 low monthly payments of $100, you’ll take home the Mango Iron™ today!

    But wait! There’s more! We’ll throw in our Banana Ratchet™ for free! Yes, never suffer through an untightened banana again! This amazing device works on any sized banana, plantain, or zipper fruit! A $25,000 value, yours free!

    But wait! There’s even more! We’re so thrilled with the deal we’re making today, we’ll even toss in a free two year subscription to Fruit Tuneup Monthly! A magazine normally only reserved for licensed fruit mechanics, yours for two years at no cost to you!

    And if you call within the next hour, we’ll double your order! Yes! Call now and we’ll give you two Mango Irons™, two Banana Ratchets™, and two subscriptions to Fruit Tuneup! Don’t wait, call now!*

    *Items may or may not work. If you don’t buy our stock we’ll just throw it away anyway. Must take delivery of current stock. No warranty on items is given or assumed. Offer void in Utah. Ironed mango may not taste as good as actual mango.

    Adores: 7
    • 2011 April 4
      TacoMagic permalink

      This whole thing reads much different if you assume mango, banana, and fruit all all euphemisms.

      Adores: 2
    • 2011 April 4

      Almost perfect. You just needed a few scenes of someone trying unsuccessfully to figure out how to eat a lumpy mango, finally throwing it down and his hands up in disgust. Lumpy mangoes are so hard to eat! Where do you start?

      By the way, I’d have bought it if you threw in a turnip twaddler. I don’t mind loose bananas.

      Adores: 4
      • 2011 April 4
        TacoMagic permalink

        I might as well channel Gramps while I’m at it:

        “In my day we needed a team of 16 men with hammers and molten steel working for 20 days to flatten a mango. And damn it, they were authentic! These new gismos just ruin the flavor of ironed mango.”

        Adores: 2
    • 2011 April 4
      ghostcat permalink

      I had a dislocated reciprocating doohickey once, but I just had to wear a brace for six weeks and stay away from zipper fruit.

      Adores: 10
      • 2011 April 4

        :stares at ghostcat in awe..awe I tell you:

        Wow..not many people dislocate their reciprocating doohickey and live to tell about it.

        Adores: 8
        • 2011 April 4
          ghostcat permalink

          I still limp a bit when it rains though.

          Adores: 7
        • 2011 April 4

          You, my dear, are the eye of the not.a.lion.

          Adores: 5
  17. 2011 April 4

    This misplaced reply brought to you by the Wrongco Peach Snatcher.

    Adores: 2
    • 2011 April 4
      TacoMagic permalink

      I was trying to conserve space, but yes, good idea when I run the commercial.

      EDIT: CURSES! Now my comment has no context!

      Adores: 2
      • 2011 April 4
        SisterLyle permalink

        Then you need this New and Improved Context Stimulator! (Patent pending).

        Adores: 3
      • 2011 April 4
        ghostcat permalink

        Now my comment has no context!

        And this is different how, exactly?

        Adores: 6
    • 2011 April 4
      LurkRealClose permalink

      I’d like to twaddle his turnip. Heh.

      *goes to corner*

      Adores: 3
      • 2011 April 4
        LurkRealClose permalink

        And now my reply to your reply is futher misplaced.

        If only I had a mango iron for situations like this.*

        *This may not actually be true.

        Adores: 3
        • 2011 April 4

          This looks like a job for the Post Repositionator!

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 April 4
          CapnMac permalink

          Or, for Baldrick and his collection of rude-shaped root veggies.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 April 4
          TacoMagic permalink

          I like turnips.

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 April 4

          “Am I jumping the gun, Baldrick, or are the words ‘I have a cunning plan’ marching with ill-deserved confidence in the direction of this conversation?”

          Adores: 4
  18. 2011 April 4
    tigprincess permalink

    Why? Oh Why? Oh Why? has Sparky started with “Nice” COMMA “mango iron for sale.” Which part of Punctuation for Dummies did he not understand?
    *I will now go and crochet a bunch of grapes*

    Adores: 2
    • 2011 April 4

      He was preemptively congratulating himself for his Craigslist post.

      “Nice, sellin’ a mango iron, way to go man, you rock.”

      Adores: 3
    • 2011 April 4
      SisterLyle permalink

      Crochet me a flat mango while you’re at it.

      Adores: 2
  19. 2011 April 4
    Astrognash permalink

    It is pronounced throat. warbler. mango.

    Gosh.

    Adores: 5
  20. 2011 April 4
    CapnMac permalink

    Observed: Now that we may safely presume this to be a Mangle (iron), that is still a supremely poor photograph of the alleged apparatus.

    [Totally unrelated note] Last week, Adores ‘worked’ for me, it was quite heady after a couple weeks of not bothering. Then, about Thursday, they stopped again.
    I’ve cleared cache and temporary file twice since then (as routine tasks).
    Still wondering if it’s a cookie-writing issue.
    [/back on topic]

    Adores: 1
    • 2011 April 4

      My computers has lots of cookies but it won’t share them with me. It’s very selfish. I just want an occasional chocolate chip one, is that too much to ask?

      Adores: 2
      • 2011 April 4

        With the sort of cookies your computer picks up from the Internet like a lint brush over a cat, I’m not sure you’d want a chocolate chip one. Those may not even be chocolate chips.

        Adores: 1
  21. 2011 April 4
    Dan permalink

    Incidentally, my suggested title for today’s post was “Mango merely pawn in game of life.”

    Adores: 5
    • 2011 April 4

      I definitely would have gone with the Blazing Saddles reference. There’s never a bad time for Mel Brooks.

      Adores: 2
      • 2011 April 4
        drmk permalink

        I may need a sense of humor transplant. I’ve never quite ‘gotten’ Mel Brooks.

        Adores: 0
        • 2011 April 4

          He can be an acquired taste. My wife doesn’t like Brooks’ movies, either. Maybe it’s a guy thing?

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 April 4
          ghostcat permalink

          You might be right, ESP. I’m of the female persuasion and I’ve never found him all that funny.

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 April 4
          Jen permalink

          I’m ovarially-inclined and I enjoy Mel Brooks. Young Frankenstein had me in fits of giggles as a very young ‘un, but I wasn’t allowed to watch Blazing Saddles until I was older.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 April 4
          Astrognash permalink

          I like Young Frankenstein.

          I’m ashamed to say that that’s all the Mel Brooks I’ve seen.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 April 4
          Windrose permalink

          Female, love Mel Brooks from the Producers to Space Balls and so on. The comedy I never got was the Three Stooges.

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 April 4
          Jen permalink

          ZOMG how could I forget the Producers?? Adore.

          And the ‘guy’ movies I don’t get are anything with Adam Sandler (the guy equivalent of rom coms IMHO) or Steve Carrell/Will Ferrell (I swear it’s the same person with different stupid nose/mouth attachments). I’ve never laughed once at a Will Ferrell movie, including Anchorman.

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 April 5

          I love Mel Brooks, even some of his lesser known stuff like Twelve Chairs, Silent Movie, and High Anxiety.

          My wife likes some of his stuff (Space Balls, Men in Tights, and Young Frankenstein) but not all of it. I think Blazing Saddles is, in general, more of a guy movie.

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 April 5

          Girl here, and I LOVE Mel Brooks – High Annnnnnnnnnnnnnngggggggggggzzzzzzzzzzzietttteeee! Hilarious movie.

          Young Frankenstein – Brilliant, genius, inspired, shall I go on?

          Space Balls – Brilliant, genius, inspired, shall I go on?

          I have seen him in interviews and he sounds/seems like a really decent guy.

          He was also married to “Mrs. Robinson”…..so there’s that.

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 April 5
          Dan permalink

          I despise the Adam Sandler/Farrely Brothers school of comedy. Mel Brooks is great, and the best comedies ever made featured the Marx Brothers.

          Adores: 2
  22. 2011 April 4
    LimeLolly permalink

    You know, it was someone’s birthday today.

    Not mine. But I wonder if it made Monday any better or if I should send a gift of yarn?

    Adores: 0
    • 2011 April 4
      Astrognash permalink

      Really, LL?
      HAVE A VERY HAPPY UNBIRTHDAY, THEN!

      WHY AM I SHOUTING?

      Adores: 2
    • 2011 April 4
      Windrose permalink

      *Checks Calendar* Huh. No birthdays on here for the 4th. However, a certain South of the Border Epicurious Sorcerer will be older tomorrow. Anyone remember Igor? His birthday is the 6th. Bridgete has one on the 11th, and Mudsy on the 23rd. And the very talented Silva Noir on the 30th! Hooray! What a great month.

      Adores: 2
  23. 2011 April 4
    Astrognash permalink

    Incidentally, this post is already the 8th result on a Google Images search for the exact phrase “Iron Mango”.

    I can only assume it will move up as people read this and search for it for themselves.

    Adores: 0
    • 2011 April 4
      ghostcat permalink

      It was on the bottom of the sixth page for me.

      Adores: 0
      • 2011 April 4
        Astrognash permalink

        You weren’t doing the exact term search then, probably. You need to enter it into search using quotation marks.

        Adores: 0
        • 2011 April 5
          ghostcat permalink

          With the quotation marks it didn’t show up at all, but Windrose and mudsy’s avatar pics showed up on page 28.

          Adores: 0
  24. 2011 April 5
    Windrose permalink

    IF and Artsy, please share this evenly and politely. Punchity Punch Punch!

    G’Night, Isle of Wight!

    Adores: 0
  25. 2011 April 9

    Isn’t that how they make those insanely addictive dried mango slices? I mean, they do usually have grill marks on one side.

    Adores: 0

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