YSaC, Vol. 965: It feels so empty!
The batshit crazy is VERY strong with this one …
Lost or Stolen- Engagement Ring – 31 (Michigan/ Iowa/Oregon)
Lost or stolen engagement ring which could of been stolen off, of: Marshall Bruce 3rd Mathers- aka- Eminem, Slim Shady at, ” Mercy Medical Center Morgue,” or at,” Douglas County Corrections Dept,” ( Hotel beside Ross) or [address in nowhere, Oregon] and [other address in nowhere, Oregon]- my previous residence. or stolen by Someone in Roseburg, Oregon, -Satantic Court System after he was arrested for marijuana and they impounded his car and personal belongings. Also, possibly in Stockton, Ca.
Warning: They is a terrible- Eygpt/ Irish/ Meidevil curse that comes with my stolen ring, possibly held for ransom, admiration like my husband is freaking trophy, or for the award of raping and murdering him and raping an tormenting me an charging me with fradulent charges, which they continue to want to arrest me for ” The Murder of Marshall Mathers”. In connection with:( Vera Walker, Kathleen Elizabeth Walker, Hazel Hutchinkins, Hawkeye, Hawkins) Urusla Makenzie, Urusla Daughtrey, Robert Daughtrey ( Vangorp) Tom Walker, Jennifer Anniston, Amber Meyer, Jeffery Lund, Kim Mathers, Angelina Jolie, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Connie Daughtrey, Kiesha, Alana Beacon Mathers, Whitney Beacon Mathers, Hailey Jane Mathers.
Possible stolen from his dead body, his 2009 Black Porshe Coupe- Crater Lake Plates- or BMW- Silver/ BLUE SPIDER RIMS.- CRATER LAKE PLATES- BEING HELD HOSTAGE BY A FAKE POLICE STAtion_ Satantic Court- WHO SUPPOSELY NEVER ARRESTED ME AND MARSHALL! an a 300m with (Plates- Michigan)- Mrs. Shady- Black with tented windows- 2006-) possibly stolen from his house or being held hostage by, ” FBI Detroit” or just fake police and fake fbi agents who robbed and stole his belongings from his house. aka grave robbers, bodysnatchers, art thiefs, brown park ranges, body processors, black eyed, black hair- quartz wearing people!
I am his next of Kin an they didn’t inform me properly and by a legal procedure at his request. My Marshalll Has been gone for almost a year and he was murdered by cop- Robert Daughtrey and with many other people who wanted him dead an me dead. He still hasn’t had a funeral yet! an the public hasn’t been informed because they’re all covering it up, for money. LOOKING FOR STOLEN ITEMS AND FAKE CD’S AND FAKE SLIM SHADY AND MARHSHALL MATHERS IMITATION.. HE WON’T BE PERFORMING ANYWHERE but hopefully work some real magic!
I knew Jennifer Aniston was to blame for all of this. She can’t be trusted, that one. You know what I heard? *looks around to see if anyone’s listening* … I heard … that she wears quartz. *nods* It’s true. Don’t tell anyone, though, or they’ll come and get you. What do you mean, who are “they”? They’re THEM. The quartz-wearing people. Like Lindsay Lohan! Yeah, she’s one too. I mean, her you could have guessed it, right? But Aniston? Nobody would guess Aniston, and that makes her the perfect cover.
Uh-oh. They’re on to me. You know what my critical error was? I forgot about Dre.
Thanks for catching the crazy, Brian — this one was flagged in less than an hour!
o.O
I think I’m gonna need more tinfoil and to smear some peanut butter on the door to keep out the fake police.
Mayonnaise works better than peanut butter. It blocks the ring-stealing rays from the Satanic Court System. I think that’s somewhere in the Whisky Tango Foxtrot Nebula.
I think “Satanic Jurisdiction” is IF’s “System of the Down” tribute band.
I believe “Satantic” to be a mis-spelling of Setanta, the now-defunct Scottish sports channel that sold itself to the devil (or ESPN, as he’s sometimes known).
I’m still trying to work out how you can steal a black Porsche coupe from someone’s dead body – are we talking Matchbox cars here?
will it stop pls ive had my fill.as just nicely as can be asked pls no more
AB, simple, just drive it off the body, low end torque would help with the bump as it comes off.
Dear Batshit Mathers,
I have the ring/CD/cap/body you seek.
You can have it back, so you can bury your beloved M&Ms properly…for a price.
I want the 30 seconds I spent once listening to one of his CDs back.
I won’t settle for 29 seconds, DO YOU HEAR?
I want all 30 or no deal.
If this is acceptable, meet me down by the river under the bridge, tonight at midnight precisely, the magic is strongest at midnight.
I’m the one in the van with “Free Candy” written on the side.
Candy’s my girlfriend, she’s been imprisoned and enslaved by vicious Romulans for the last 30 yrs. I’m beginning to think I’ll never see her again.
See you tonight,
Not.A.Fan
Oh goodness, my side hurts from laughing! Funny stuff
Ladies and gentlemen (and kitties and eerily smiling puppies and that sprite thing that Taco is), we have found the High Empress of Craziopolis, Sparkles I the Incoherent! Long may she reign.
Ah, look at her in her long, flowing dress of the finest corn silk, her glimmering tiara of muenster, those sparkly earrings made from the homeopathically diluted tears of ex-Disney child stars, and those shoes made of feet! She looks positively radiant! Although that could be the plutonium necklace.
I thought the Love Me jacket of bedazzled chicken feathers was a nice touch. Very calassay.
On a side note, I think a bedazzled kilt would be awesome.
It’d have to be lined though. In my experience most men don’t like cold little pieces of metal touching their … haggis.
“Is that a haggis in your sporran, or are you just happy to see me?”
You forgot Llama derps
And Poncho Mooses 🙁
Her Serene
InsanityMajesty only wears the lousy poncho on formal occasions but she always has her llama-derp face on.Ghostcat discriminates against Llama derps, poncho meeses, and parrots. Film at 11:00.
I’ll be in my bunker.
Long may she
reignreinrainrool.Oh sweet zombie Jesus on a pogostick…
That was basically me, too. I read this this morning, had no words, left home, came to work, and I don’t think that having coffee is going to clarify things. Though I do like reading things like this for one reason: they remind me that I might have a wiggy moment here and there, but am a picture of mental health by comparison to this person!
Exactly. I was nearly rendered speechless. References to an undead deity was about as close to coherence as I could manage.
Lola – that’s exactly how I felt. Even on my craziest days, I’m no where near this person (even the voices in my head aren’t that bad).
Craigslist is really good at making you feel better about yourself in many ways I have found.
It’s like a trip to Wal-Mart without leaving your home.
“Craigslist: All the self-esteem boost of Wal-Mart from the convenience of your safe bunker.”
So, did I miss the big t-shit winner announcement or what?
Check the bottom of yesterday’s post.
What sj said….
What Mudsy said about what SJ said.
What Taco said yesterday about his parsing man-crush….
How the hell am I supposed to remember what you all said when I can’t even remember what I said?!
HamCan you don’t even have to write anything and people adore it!
What, you don’t think the puppy’s cute?*
*Even if you do, do not rub the puppy’s belly!
PS — The winner was none of the above. 8)
I gather it was a favored firefighter?
I’m glad it was one of the lurkers who won, maybe it’ll encourage more of them to delurk.
:squints into the darkness:
We can see you out there!
It was actually a regular, posting as Ann [Miss] Elk.
Oooh, sneaky!
Question — is lurking better than stalking or is it the same thing?
I love that skit drmk
Oh and I think stalking and lurking are different but no one is better than the other. I suppose it depends on what you hope to gain by lurking.
Well, the law says stalking and lurking are two verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry different things.
Me, I say..meh..
So a sock puppet won??? Psh… Socks can’t wear shirts… a’course, I guess they can step in some t-shit, though…
Try telling that to the resident hobo.*
*Question. If the hobo is a resident hobo, and therefore has a place of residence, is he then no longer a hobo?
Answer: Yes, he is no longer a hobo. Now he’s just your cousin/brother-in-law/best friend from high school…
And he’s probably loitering, which means in many municipalities, he can be arrested for it. 8) “Hey, that man isn’t doing anything! Take him away!”
I’d love to help, but I’m not admitted to practice in the Roseburg, Oregon, Satanic Court System. I wonder what the bar exam is like. Would I have to answer an essay question about medieval Egyptian Irish curses and the seizure of personal property?
Whenever my couch seizures I have to put a wallet under the cushions.
The couch is seizing! Quick – grab that joist, I’ll get the drywall!
EDIT – No fair changing it, TM!
I got to it within 10 seconds. I invoked the 10 second rule and ate the D while I sipped my T.
Well, the inclusion of Paris Hilton tells me that not all of this is bullshit. And 8 Mile was a documentary created by the FBI and the Westboro Baptist Church and directed by Randy Quaid.
I’m batshit crazy
Yes, I’m the real crazy
All you other mild crazies
Are just imitating
So won’t the batshit crazies please stand up
Please stand up
Please stand up
Mindee, don’t tell CJ, but I’m a fan of Slim Shady, and I LOVE that song. 8) Extra Doors if I could.
*shakes can at Windy*
I heard that young lady!
:snerkle:
CJ shook her can at Windy.
Sweet sonofaseagoingserpent!! I didn’t EVEN see that till you pointed it out..and now, I’m glad I didn’t…much, much funnier this way.
Come on, CJ, you said you were going to keep that stuff private!
For me it depends completely on the song. Not a big fan of his more recent album (and that Burn song he sings with what’s-her-butt annoys me to no end) but I like whatever album that’s on my IPod, although I can’t remember which one it is. Has the ‘everyone report to the dance floor’ song on it…
Wow… that was almost as vague as I could get, huh?
Sis, did you see that movie with that girl? Where they went to that place, but the thing wasn’t there? That was awesome!
It’s only my favorite movie ever!
That’s my second favorite. My first favorite movie is the one with the girl and the guy and the guy’s comic sidekick, and people are after them! And they’re trying to find something or have something, which might explain why the people are after them. That one!
Lola: is that the one where they all die at the end?
My favorite movie is the one with the guy, and he’s wearing shoes. You know the one.
Wait – is that the one where they are after the thing or the one where the thing is after them?
Did you see the one with the really cute guy whose father was the guy that played in the other movie? I hated the ending where the girl, you know the one with blond hair and eyes, got carried away by the crazies.
did hilarity ensue? cause I think I know the one you mean
I believe it’s actually the one where they are after the thing to avoid the thing that’s after them.
OMG…and then, the other thing that they were running from, comes this close to the thing they’re trying to avoid?
The result?
Rebecca Black
Ack! I haven’t seen that one yet, don’t spoil the ending!
*SPOILER ALERT*
A wizard did it.
In the kitchen with Miss Scarlet.
I watched a chick flick last night. It’s the one where the couple is separated and/or having problems, but then they’re thrown into a situation outside of their control, and they get back together in the end after a big romantic display.
And that thing they’re all after or which is chasing them, whichever – it’s just a Macguffin.
What a twist!
And it turns out it was a dream the whole time!
And they’re both vampire-werewolf-zombies.
And the result?
Rebecca Black
I call to order the first bi-weekly meeting of the “Haven’t seen Rebecca Black’s video, nor ever intend to society.”
Does it count if you had too much peach brandy last Friday and thought it would be funny but now you’re really, really sorry you saw it?
Just speaking hypothetically, of course.*
*I’m a bit fuzzy on the whole “hypothetical situation” thing.
I think that’s a sub-group of “The Morning After: Regrets Society”.
The sequel, where he took off his shoes and wore a shirt, is even better. And that girl is in it too, the one who’s always amazing.
I actually like a few of his songs as well.
I like a few of his songs, but by no means all of them. Just the fact that I knew who he was blew my nephew’s mind, as did the fact that many of the “retro” bands he likes were popular when I was in high school. Made me feel old.
Wait, are we talking about him, or that guy that did the thing in that commercial?
Which commercial? The funny one? With the cute animals? I like that one.
Right, the little animals that look like they are drinking coffee and playing scrabble. OR was it coke and poker?
Isn’t it the same guy?
No, no, he’s the one from that movie. You know, that one that was the murder mystery/sci-fi/fantasy/comedy/musical/Christmas Special.
And Marshall Mathers as, “The Belzebeaver.”
“Hey Wally, Eddy’s giving me the business.”
“Well Belzebeave, just turn him into a newt like you did last time.”
“Right Wally, I always forget about my satanic powers, it’s swell having a brother like you.”
I’ve always pictured Satan in a knit cardigan smoking a pipe.
Sorta like mister Rogers, but you know, as ruler of Hell.
Mr. Rogers would never smoke a pipe.
Indeed he would not, much too Bob Dobbs. He’d chomp a cigar while he was kicking the hell out of your ass with the foot not currently being used to give a beautiful lady a back massage.
He always had that “institution voice” that reminded me of the orderly who was trying to get close enough to the crazy person to slip on the straight jacket.
Huh — that’s funny, because to me, he always sounded like the heavily medicated patient who, if allowed off his meds, would slip through the grasp of authorities and continue his bizarre, calculated and deviously brilliant serial killings where he left off, sending the police taunts and tantalizing clues that bring them close to catching him while he always manages to stay two steps ahead.
But that’s just me.
Well, what can you expect from a military sniper? I think I would have liked to be his neighbor. That way, if anything fishy went down in the ‘hood, Mr. Rogers would quietly “take care of it.”
Freaky puppy – if it were possible, I’d throw all the doors at you just for the Church of the Sub Genius ref.
Denture Dog: I guess it all depends on what side of the meds you’re on. But I like the way you think…
🙂
[corey]
The sniper thing is an urban legend. Fred Rogers was never in the armed forces in any capacity, he was a studied musician and a minister for most of his life before becoming Mr. Rogers on TV.
[/corey]
He had the voice of an angel on lithium.
Bob Ross was his understudy.
Afro painter?
Mr. Rogers during his Afro Painter phase was rather frightening.
I have one of his velvet paintings. A Not.A.Lion on a box of cereal. It’s great!
Well I always thought he was unmedicated because he talked to puppets including Henrietta Pussycat who meowed but somehow was still understood. And wore clothes. Plus his mail man was named Mr. McFEELy-I mean something was going on there. And then there were the vivid hallucinations of how things are made at factories. Yea, he was off his meds. Aren’t you glad we all turned out sane? Come on, aren’t you? I’m talking to you non-crystal wearing people of Egyptian Irish Medieval descent.
My collection of sentient vegetables totally agree with you, Lara.
Nothing wrong with us!
:fills shoes with cake frosting:
Ooh! I’ve got sprinkles and ham!!!
I’ll track down the nacho cheese fountain! I think I saw it in a box around here, maybe behind the Auntie couch…?
**sigh**
Oh, fine, I’ll get the Waffle Iron.
Batter up!
*Looks at his watch*
“Quartz Crystal”
*Evil smile*
I had one of those once. Then I drank some. Now I have half a quartz left.
^Quartz low^
half quartz = 1 pinto pony
Four quartz = one galleon.
Make it a Spanish galleon: Uno galleon!
Galleon, Galleon, can you do the fandango?
…thunder butts and lightening very, very frightening…
SQUEEE!
Galileo? Figaro!!
Magneto!!!!
He’s just an arch-fiend, nobody likes him…
I’m just a quartz boy, nobody loves me
He’s just a po’boy from a poor New Orleans
Sparing his shrimp from this monstrosity!
Sparked all his life with some Monstro Tea!
Aww, I miss Monster… Maybe I can sneak some tomorrow, when MrEB is still in Boston :-p
^closet caffeinator^
*sigh* It’s true, Bombdude… I’m supposed to be tapering by now (MrEB mostly quit back in January, and I was supposed to at the same time) but it’s just so delicious!
*Sips his coffee*
My condolences to you both.
[corey]
I think I got to the bottom of this, and I’m disturbed.
I’m thinking the Mr. Sparkles (RIP) of this post was a drug dealer. She mentions several extremely expensive cars being held in impound and a ring of the “Eminem” style.
Sir Sparkles must have died (or just been hauled away) in a drug raid and all his ill-gotten booty (or is ill Booten Gotty) was confiscated during the raid. All that was left was his strung out woman who can no longer get the fixes she needs and has succumbed to delirium in the absence of high quality cocaine. Her only outlet is to rant on Craigslist.
I feel dirty and sad.
[/corey]
Extra adores if I could for “Sir Sparkles,” TM. Also, isn’t ill Booten Gotty when a gangster’s offspring go shoeless?
Wasn’t Booten Gotty the “Velcro Don”?
*sends a couple door for the MASH reference*
Well, Taco which is it – you got to the bottom of this, or you are disturbed?
Wait, I think I know the answer to that one.
Never mind.
The answer to that, like the answer to many of life’s problems, is “spoon”.
Happy Yuri’s Day, everybody! Nice to have the post reflect someone who has been in outer space, but she forgot to bring her brain back.
At first glance I thought that said “Happy Yule Day.” I thought perhaps Christmas had come again.
NERKY BEESMAS!
OH NO!! I forgot to get you a present! Will you accept a red table?
or perhaps a select from SJ’s or ghostcat’s beautifully painted toe nail collection?
Windy weren’t you suppose to remind us, so we wouldn’t forget a gift?
I think we need a YSAC calender with Nerky Beesmas clearly marked so we wont forget it.
Nerky Beesmas to all, and to all a Stolen Engagement Ring!
Beesmas really snuck up on me this month… I… I didn’t get you anything!
*Cry*
Toenails for everyone!
I need the space in my fridge for the Beesmas goose.
I was rather hoping to place Beesmas on the anniversary of the FIRST YSaC post, which I believe is in August some time. 8) August is severly lacking in holidays, anyway.
I like your message and wish to subscribe to your publication.
Plus an august placement gives me plenty of time to think of a gift for the bloging duo (BBUT). I’m thinking maybe a set of zombie piggie banks or maybe a Bea Arthur cutout…
Isn’t August Placement appearing tonight at the 40Watt, performing their greatest hits?
Taco, you should send them a crocheted Llama, with a crocheted Ostrimu.
I myself will by then have been for sometime attempting to start work on a piece of music for YSaC, which I will someday entitle “Nerky Beesmas To You”.
Well, if Beesmas is now a holiday I’m demanding the day off..thusly.
Me: He boss, it’s Beesmas next Friday and since I’m a member of the Church of the Snarkalicious – no really, we have a llamanun and everything – I was wondering may I have the day off to contemplate
my bellybuttonthe wonder of trucks and the cosmos and stuff?Boss: Wha…?
Me: Are you denying me my religious freedom? Well, are ya boss??? Hmmmmm?
Boss: No, no, I um….uh….look shiny!
Me: I’ll take that as a “Yes, I respect your religious holidays and am allowing you the day off.”
Boss: Well
Me: With pay, right?
Boss: Oh…um….I….erm…
Me: Thanks, you’re the bestest.
*this entire scenario may be repeated monthly…or weekly, depends on how far you want to push the envelope….after all, beesmas means something different to everyone*
“He boss.”
“He boss?”
“Him!”
“What?”
“Him, boss! Him, tech support!”
“Why are you talking like that?”
“I thought you wanted to.”
“No, I don’t want to.”
“Suit yourself, I’m easy.”
TM….I couldn’t adore you more….
Somewhere in the distance, horses whinny in appreciation.
Bad Horse, Bad Horse, Bad Horse, he’s bad!
He rides across the nation, the thoroughbred of sin
He got the application that you just sent in!
It needs evaluation, so let the games begin
A heinous crime, a show of forse
A murder would be nice, of course
Bad Horse, Bad Horse, Bad Horse, he’s bad!
(ahem) Ok… I’ll stop now… I can’t remember how to do something at work that I do every 2 months or so, but I remember almost every lyric to Dr Horrible?
…I guess my brain has its priorities straight.
(P.S. Now I have to listen to the soundtrack…. so don’t be surprised if there are more Horrible quotes this morning :-p)
The Evil League of Evil is watching
So beware!
The grade that you receive will be your last
We swear!
So make the bad horse gleeful
Or he’ll make you his mare! (By far my second favorite line in the show)
Get saddled up
There’s no remorse
It’s hi-ho Silver!
Signed,
Bad Horse.
(Man, I sure wish the a gang of cowboys would show up and read my letter to me whenever I got mail…)
What’s your first favorite? I have about 3 million favorites… (“lacy, gently wafting curtains” “Captain Hammer, corporate tool” “what a crazy random happenstance!” and the bit about pie) and over a dozen pins on my work bag with quotes from Dr Horrible and Firefly/Serenity :-p
“These are not the hammer…”
Pecile
“Sometimes people are layered like that. There’s something totally different underneath than what’s on the surface.”
“And sometimes there’s a third… even deeper level… and that one is the same as the top surface one.”
“Huh?”
“Like with pie.”
Also – “Oh, goodness, look at my wrist. I gotta go.” and “You’re driving a spork into your leg.”
“Even at my most badass I only make people feel like they need to take a shower.”
“My evil moisture buddy!”
CJ — It will help if you remember the gift for your boss. I suggested something from SJ’s painted toenail collection, but that’s just an idea.
I have some lovely big toes done to look like the vice-presidents. Mondale looks a little like a California Raisin though.
Hammy, are you sure you aren’t a boxer? 8)
Adriaaaaaaaaaaan!
Yeah, he floats like a bobblehead and stings in the behind.
Come ON, Sparky…. “could of”? Rookie mistake.
Yeah, we all know it’s supposed to be coulda.
Jeez!
‘Could of’ and ‘off of’ in the opening sentence -that’d bring in a heavily-armed Grammar Police SWAT team in my neighbourhood…
I was just wondering if Batshit Crazy was the theme for the week?
Artsy – I think “batshit crazy” is a permanent fixture of CL.
I’m surprised there isn’t a “Batshit Crazy” tag.
Good idea, should make categorizing go MUCH quicker.
There may have to be one soon.
It might be quicker to just tag the ones that *aren’t* batshit crazy.
wait, is it black-hair quartz which is obviously highly valuable in crazy land, or is it people with black hair and quartz?
Yes.
Indeed.
That’s what I thought, too.
Sparkles is discriminating against all the ginger-quartz and blonde-quartz people!
I like ginger…
No love for the blondes, Boom-BoomMan?
There’s enough Boom-Boom to go around… 8)
There are laws against that … now if I could just figure out who to call.
Ghostbusters?
Or ghostcats posing as Ghostbusters?
I’m not affiliated with those ruffians, they knocked over my ghostmailbox and uprooted all my ghostmarigolds.
Indubitably.
Fun with Google Ads:
DID YOU KNOW:
PayPal merchants are virtually immune to identity theft and scammers.
I was getting some fortuneteller thing, but now it’s all tow trucks and vehicle recovery ads.
If I want I can get a remote unlocker for my (or anyone else’s) car!
How awesome is that?!
I bet all of you with keyless entry are just beside yourselves with excitement that I could have the power to unlock your car and hop in with just a few clicks and $40.
Well…while you’re out, could you pick up some milk and bread? Thanks.
And bananas. My sister ate them all.
The loan payment book is in the glove box. Don’t forget to get the tires rotated.
Just fill the tank. However, you’ll have to take out a loan.
I don’t have a car. Can you bust into my apartment? That’s been done already, and there’s nothing to steal.*
*Sadly, true.
I was more thinking of hopping into the cars while you were waiting at a stop light.
“Hi! Just thought I’d tell you how much I’ve been admiring you from afar! You smell nice! Wanna smell my shirt? Here you can smell it, I don’t mind!”
Then I’d hop out at the next stop light.
That’s because they know their aluminum foil and they’re adept at using it. Now pass me that colander so I can put in on my head.
I have one of these models. Very effecient.
Shiny.
Is that the same model the Time Cube Guy wears?
Sparkles must live in the CraigsList version of Narnia, or this map on my place mat is highly inaccurate.
I can’t really read my map…but then that’s what happens on chicken-noodle-soup-for-lunch days.
I actually think that’s Mordor.
*Google Mordor* clearly shows Gollum’s mailbox in front of his house in the Gladden fields of Michiowagon.
Man, Sparky sucks at Oregon Trail.
YSaC: Where I go on good days to remind myself to be careful because the rest of the world is crazy, and where I go on bad days to remind myself that I’m not THAT crazy.
Ok, I’m here now, did anything happen today?
Been a busy day–do you have any idea how long it takes to demonically enchant an entire police shift? And once the daemons awake, they only want to dement–herding cats is as easy a snap beans by comparison.
Anyone remember Bridgete? Yesterday was her birthday! But the big event is coming up on the 23rd! 8)
Is she marrying the oily bohunk she brought back from French land?
I kid. What’s going on?
On the 23rd? No marriage yet. But another birthday for someone really special here at YSaC. 8)
My watches run on quartz. Crap. Am I possessed again?
Answer hazy, try again later.
Hammy, you should be self-punching by now. 8)
G’Night, Crater Lake!