YSaC, Vol. 989: Dead Man’s Pantry
free coffin
slightly used but good condition. must be willing to pick up. handsome varnish finish. will take 3 to 4 people to move. bought at garage sale and never put to use. airtight. had been using for produce storage but just taking up space now. will go to first person who can pick it up.
You bought a coffin. At a garage sale.
A coffin.
At a garage sale.
You’ve been storing produce.
In a coffin.
That you bought at a garage sale.
You know, it’s slightly amusing that it will take 3 or 4 people to move the coffin, but it will go to the first PERSON who can pick it up. This is one of those “sword-in-the-stone” kind of deals, isn’t it? You, know, the legendary coffin just waiting for…
Wait.
You bought a COFFIN? At a GARAGE SALE?
And you’re storing PRODUCE in it?
*head explodes*
(Thanks for the link, Vivienne!)
Air-tight, huh? So, also water-tight? This may be the best piece of furniture to own, why doesn’t everyone have a garage sale coffin? You can use it as a giant Tupperware container for those times you make way too much chili, it can be a bathtub or hot-tub, and my favorite use, a rowboat during the zombie apocalypse, just rip off the arms of your zombie grandma as oars….
Curse the inability to click “adore” more than once!
[too many English classes in college]The rowboat bit reminds me of the Miller’s Tale by Chaucer. All we need to act out the most crude of the Canterbury Tales is to find a gullible landlord with a hot young wife and a second coffin.[/literature nerd]
Taco? That you?
Edited.
They aren’t letting me
ruinwrite posts here just yet.Though I do project my typoificationality sometimes.
A slightly used second hand coffin that stores produce? Talk about completely awesome. Now all you need to install is a mini bar and surround speakers for the TV and it’ll be perfect for that eternal afternoon underground.
Seriously though, who sees a coffin and thinks “that would be amazing to put my fresh produce in”? Don’t you think it’d be more like “I bet I could smuggle some good moonshine in there.”
I stopped using my coffin for produce ever since it went mainstream. Now I keep my produce in the fridge. But I keep it there ironically to make fun of people who normally keep their produce in the fridge.
That is so mainstream now. I keep all my produce in a cool wet sack.
some like it hot reference!!!!!!! (i’m sorry but this is sooooooooo necessary)
t’s a dead man’s pantry
who could ask for more
everyBODY’s coming
leave your produce at the door…
btw,
“thank you” bought at a garage sale, ha!
Fixed.
*Fistbump’s Dan*
Solidairity Bro; shoulda left it.
Typo Knigs of the world, untie!
Oh, holy Hell… it took me three reads to realize what was wrong with your reply, MF. >.< I'm a Taco at heart… *sigh*
Hopefully you noticed the several things wrong with mine.
There was a study done sevreal years back that demonstarted that, due to the way our brians reocgnize words and phrases, you can consturct pefrectly legible sentences that often don’t appear to have anythnig (or much) wrong with them even thouhg a lot of the letters in the wrods were sawpped aruond. Thier example was pretty cool and read qiute fleuntly despite a ton of spelling erorrs.
Taco – I hardly ever notice, actually.
MF – Brat.
I think my brian just blew a gasket.
My brina blew a gakset.
The word ‘gakset’ made me want to make cocaine jokes but I thought better of it.
I got up to “thouhg” before I noticed anything wrong, probably because the hg combo in that order looks so weird. I think I just proved MF’s point, though.
I have been looking for
someonesomething to bury the hatchet in and this garage sale coffin produce box just might work.Huh, and there I was thinking this was the weirdest use I’d seen for a coffin…
“Oh, that? That’s just my bookcase-cum-winerack-cum-last-resting-place. Yeah, the wife always says it holds my vintages until they can preserve me instead! Haha, she’s pretty quick, is wifey – a real live one. Unlike I’ll be! Ahaha, but seriously, I’m going to die.”
And in case you’re more of a do-it-yourselfer, there’s this.
GC — linkey brokey
Errant “s, methinks. Cheeky little beggars.
Lemme try that again –
Linky
EDIT – There it is. I must have missed a bit when I copied and pasted.
Thanks to ghostcat, I am now getting:
Barker Door Drawer Boxes
ads.
http://www.barkerdoor.com/Dovetail-Drawer-Boxes-p/drawerbox-baltic-dovetail.htm
Holy Crap! I WANT! The bookshelf winerack thing, not the file cabinet doohickey.
Is it me or does that coffin/bookcase/winerack look a lot like the capsule thingy they buried Spock in?
It’s just you.
:sigh:
It always is.
“I’m a doctor not a mortician.”
Can I call you HamBones now?
Just a sec, let me take my Cialis…Ok, go ahead.
BWAHAHA.
Isn’t the phrase, “Dammit Jim, I’m a doctor not a mortician!”…?
Adores to HamBoney and Ghosty…
Good evening, Officers. No, I didn’t hear any screaming earlier. You needn’t look in there; I just use it to store produce. I bought it at a garage sale; I find that garage sales are so much more … interesting here than in my old home town.
Herman Munster gets a new car!
The perfect place to plant my eggplant!!!! Smeagol wants it, we needs it. Must have the precious!
I’ve been to a lot of yard sales (probably hundreds*) and while I have seen everything from taxidermied animals to partially used shampoo to firearms, not once have I seen a coffin for sale.
My life feels kinda empty now.
*This is not an exaggeration, Mom started me early on the habit. If yard sales were a competitive sport, my Mom would be an Olympic gold medalist.
The wife of a friend of mine actually bought a preserved, dried body at auction to display at Halloween. I don’t know how to make that funny. Sorry.
I thought there were laws against that.
I hope they dickered.
Dickered? I don’t even know her…..
*grabs comfy pillow and blankie and heads to corner*
Any coffee slices left?
🙂
Great. Now I’m imagining opening this coffin and seeing his produce arranged in the shape of a body. A head of cabbage, watermelon body, zucchini arms and legs, hands of bananas, and potato feet.
I will call him Veginald.
I was envisioning Mr. Potato head with the glasses and mustache.
He’s pretty small though. You could bury him comfortably in a cooler.
Just use him for the head part. Then bake him. Add a bit of butter and sour cream. Dee-licious!
Thanks to Mudsy, now I see an obituary in the local paper for Mr. Potato Head that includes the following:
Hey, somebody move over, there’s no room for me in the corner.
Alas, poor Mr. Potatohead, we hardly knew ye.
:moment of silence:
That’s enough of that. Someone fire up the deep fryer, I’m gonna go post an ad on CraigsList.
I could never find his eyes anyway. I always wish Mr. Potatohead was anatomically correct so that I could insert his lips in his backside. It just seems like it would be awesome to put on your desk at an office. The only problem is that this idea would also produce a potato penis and no one wants one of those. Especially when it sprouts eyes. Brain bleach anyone?
“Okay, Timmy, can you show me on this potato head where the bad man touched you?”
“He touched me right here. In my spud dent.”
Arcimboldo, is that you?
You know, if I saw a real construction of an Arcimboldo painting in a coffin, I might actually freak out a little. Too close to the Uncanny (Nature) Valley.
If the inside of this coffin looks anything at all like the inside of my fridge crisper drawer looks before I clean it, then……Ewwwwwwww. I would hate to be sleeping for eternity and swimming with the vegetable sludge.
Indeed, it’s important that you only swim with your own effluvia when attempting advanced forms of decay.
Spengler: Don’t cross the effluvia.
Venkman: Why?
Spengler: It would be bad.
Venkman: I’m fuzzy on the whole good-bad thing. What do you mean, “bad”?
Spengler: Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light.
Stantz: Total protonic reversal.
Venkman: Right. That’s bad. Okay. All right. Important safety tip. Thanks, Taco.
Me have girl-crush on mudsy.
Me also seem to be channeling caveman.
Me happy.
Where transitory verbs?
Taco not find small verbs.
Taco sad.
Little verbs leave Taco.
Life am good.
In the wake of this sale, it has been found that we have a few greivances with the previous owner. Though I have no wish to bury him under a mound of complaints, I do think we need to kill a few issues.
Specifically, the coffin you sold me smells like broccoli! A dude can’t sleep well in a broccoli coffin! Totally harshes the vibe!
That’s a grave charge to bring against the previous owner, Mort.
…not to mention a gravey bowel.
Yes, please… Let’s not bring up the gravey bowel… Last time I couldn’t get more than 30 seconds away from a bathroom for days…
Please refrain from using the term “bring up” when referring to the sacred gravey bowel.
Must have been only slightly dead…
“He’s been mostly dead all day.”
I think I’ll go for a walk.
I prefer my veggies stir fried, please. Go for a wok.
Slightly used? Like, the original occupant wasn’t quite dead yet?
“Bring out your dead!”
***BONG***
It just so happens that he was only mostly dead. There’s a big difference between mostly dead and all dead.. Mostly dead is slightly alive. With all dead — well, with all dead, there’s usually only one thing you can do: Go through his clothes and look for loose change.
On that topic, since it’s not letting me post this in reply to Smedly above…
[corey]I think it’s “You’ve been mostly dead all day.” It’s Fezzik and Inigo’s answer when Westley asks why he can’t move after he wakes up.[/corey]
I know of this one place. It is an old cemetery on hallowed ground, very stoney. But ya know what old Judd would say, “Sometimes dead is better.”
They only used it for the viewing, to make a nice presentation. Then they tossed his ass in a hole… Why waste such a nice coffin by putting it in the ground? He’s not gonna notice, he’s DEAD!!! We can re-use this for the next one to go!
Dead men eat no kale!
You can’t get blood out of a turnip!
But you can out of a beet!
Beet it!
Beet it!
Pickle in a jar and eat it!
Make a beet salad, it doesn’t stink
Jack Lalanne’s juicer will make a nice drink
Just beet it!
As long as the beets are canned.
Yo ho, yo ho, a Craigslist life for me
We mock, we tease, we point and laugh
Snark on me hearties, yo ho
We make fun of your listings on your behalf
Snark on me hearties, yo ho
Yo ho, yo ho, a Craigslist life for me
We search, we filter, we rifle and troll
Snark on me hearties, yo ho
We find all the listings of stuff that you stole
Snark on me hearties yo ho
Yo ho, yo ho, a Craigslist life for me
There’s llamas and cats, cute puppies and birds
Snark on me hearties, yo ho
Most of our references prove that we’re nerds
Snark on me hearties, yo ho
Our lounge has a Sven, solid coffee, and more
Snark on me hearties, yo ho
There’s even a box if you’ve gotten a door
Snark on me hearties, yo ho
Yo ho, yo ho, a Craigslist life for me
Today there’s a coffin, tomorrow who knows?
Snark on me hearties, yo ho
All of these Sparkies keep us on our toes!
Snark on me hearties, yo ho
Considering all of the things we’ve seen on CL, I completely believe the term “really bad eggs” would fit appropriately somewhere in this song.
[Obscure nautical lore corey]
The “yo ho an a bottle of rum” tune combines a “waulking song” and a sea chanty.
Waulking songs are musical chants to hold a rhythm, and are most typically melodic syllables, not proper words.
The Sea Chanty is a spoken word lyric that is specifically timed to a manual labor task. Like heaving in a long line or hoisting yards up to masts and the like.
Sailors were forbidden to speak on deck, lest their “skylarking” cause them to not hear an order. Only drawing water at the scuttlebutt, or at work in a chanty. The rhythm of the chanty also has definite pauses built in, so as to hear important things. Like the click of the pawl on the capstan or windlass, or to hear orders related to what was being heaved upon.
All hands had to “lay-to and heave” any one slacking off risked not merely the lash for disobedience, but also hazarded the rest of the crew and even the ship, so, chanties were quite serious.
Serious enough that it’s considered bad luck to lark them into song. Some of that will have been from a long-extinct notion of decorum and shame, as chanties tended to bawdy at best. Some was the superstition of sailors, which was often hard-learnt. It might also be from another long-gone premise, that being foresworn condemned the soul, so a jack-tar who was sure of Perdition would have no qualms about singing a chanty jackanape in sinister jocularity. Such sailors do not often make for good crew, and trouble streams in their wake.
Further, a coffin was only made for those noble enough to own land; an ordinary seaman wanted and expected only his nine yards of sailcloth for a shroud and pigs or ingots of ballast to carry his mortal remains off to Davy Jones.
[/corey]
I’m still stuck on the whole “never put it to use” bit. Was it because it’s airtight?
That would turn you into produce in a couple of hours.
No, it’s because the original occupant was apparently handsomely finished with varnish. Like the chocolatey shell on an ice cream bar.
Maybe he only stayed in there long enough to become a vegetable…
He was only brain dead?
Just like my old roommate!
This one house over by the cemetery has coffins for sale all the time. Police have found no connection between that and the missing bodies and empty graves there. I think the police are in on it.
To serve and protect—only the living.
They’re prepping their own “home team” for the zombiepocalypse…
I keep wondering how many people on my HOA I would give heart attacks to, if I put the coffin in my front yard and planted flowers in it? The uproar that it would cause would almost be worth the effort.
…and if you used pink plastic flamingos as pall bearers.
HOAs love pink flamingos.
Large garden gnomes. Save the flamingos for your summer theme display — lots of them.
Lawn gnomes are the best! Good thinking Mf.
Thank you, I know that my HOA will love all these ideas. Now where do you suppose I can the the travelocity gnome?
[matt]You canned the Tavelocity gnome!?!?! On what grounds??? I liked him!!!
Cruel and heartless is what you are…[/matt]
I believe it was the golf course.
Does canned gnome taste anything like spam?
Tastes like chicken. Short chickens.
Sweet, now I have a place to store all my cereal killer action figure’s victims!
*snerk*
Hammy…we are in the bawks together!
Disclaimer: cat + dog = mayhem, for which I will not be held responsible
There’s an echo in here.
I think this deserves a possibly awesome tag.
It’s sortta like an undead version of Veggie Tales.
[corey] Technically, the Veggie Tales characters are already undead. They’re shelf-ready produce with no attached root system to further growth. [/corey] But yeah, it might just need a possibly awesome tag. [relurks]
Wait, Citywolf! Don’t go so soon. Pull up a corner and sit a spell!
OK, but I’m bringing my sword-shaped toothpick with me in case of vampire produce.
A slightly used coffin is a decent find, but what else was up for grabs at Dracula’s garage sale?
He had a pretty good selection of mildly tarnished giant silver chopsticks.
Weird that they’d all be so pointy, though. Silly Vlad, you don’t need to sharpen your chopsticks.
Silver is for werewolves. Sharpened steaks are Vlad’s weapon of choice. He prefers T-bones over Ribeyes.
Mirrors…lots and lots of mirrors.
After staring at this ad for awhile now, my mind is screaming for a logical explanation, knowing full well that the nature of CL cannot supply this. But I still must ask:
Is there another definition for coffin that I am not aware of?
A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears:
BUMP… BUMP… BUMP…
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP… BUMP… BUMP…
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.
FASTER… FASTER… BUMP… BUMP… BUMP….
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.
clappity-BUMP…clappity-BUMP… clappity-BUMP…
on his heels, as the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything…
All he can find is a box of cough drops! Desperate, he throws the cough drops at the coffin …
…and…of…course,
…the coffin stops!
*pulls out a drum set* ba-dum CHING!
Well done!
We’ve got a front yard coffin:
Great for al fresco boffin’.
We don’t want any scoffin’,
The Addams Family!
Things to do with a Produce Coffin:
1) Catch and bury Bugs Bunny.
2) Contain that annoying vegan friend of yours who just cannot let go of the fact that you eat meat.
3) Best litterbox ever.
4) Serve a salad at your Halloween buffet.
5) Mount it outside your children’s bedroom window as a reminder of what happens to kids who don’t eat their brussel sprouts.
OT – My cousin Heather is a mortician, she showed me pictures from a Halloween party some friends of hers threw one year; they “borrowed” a coffin, lined it with plastic, and filled it with ice and drinks.
I’m on a Rocky Horror cast. We’d actually have a use for a free, slightly used coffin.
We might even leave in the produce.
Then it could be the side table for the dinner with “Eddie”?
I’ll outlive you…
I’ll bury you!
I’LL BUY YOUR COFFIN! FOR FREE!
If anyone gets the song reference… I love you.
And no, it’s not the red table song.
This is off-topic, but;
:clears throat:
CAKE NOT ON FIRE!
That is all.
Wow. Nothing like one of the saddest parts of my favorite childhood movie being immortalized in dessert form.
Reminds me of the time….
Storytime kiddos!!!
Taco – you leave the ghostie-cat alone, this time or I promise you I will get out the hose!
When I was 4 or 5 one of my FAVORITE things in the WHOLE world was a sparkler. I loved to play with them on July 4th (yes my parents were negligent) and marveled at the silver and gold sparklies that spewed forth from the magic stick.
My birthday is in January, so that year (I think I turned 5) my mother thought it would be a wonderful idea to replace the candles on my cake with my FAVORITE thing in the WHOLE world – sparklers.
We were at a restaurant, there was a rather large group of us, and suddenly a huge cake comes through the kitchen door, replete with my FAVORITE things in the WHOLE world.
I screamed.
I screamed, hysterically.
I ran, screaming, from the dining room and into the bathroom and refused to come out.
I still say that was the beginning of the end of my sanity.
/end storytime
i was expecting this to end with your face being horribly, horribly burnt. that’s bad of me, isn’t it. *sigh*
[OT]
Fun blog spam again. This one posted, “Women are prone to cellulite a result of the presence involving estrogen and further fat inside their bodies. For the unsightly look and feel, women plan to reduce and eliminate bumpy skin. However, cosmetic surgery such for the reason that laser medical procedures or liposuction to remedy cellulite is quite expensive. Thus, many women need to know how to avoid cellulite normally.”
Aside from the laughably poor grammar, that wasn’t all that funny. What was funny was that the tail of the spam URL read: “/Methods-to-Eliminate-Cellulite-and-Wipe-out-Cottage-Parmesan-cheese-Legs-Forever..html”
Mmm. Cottage Parmesan cheese legs.
[/OT]
I wonder if that is real Parmesan or the shaky stuff in the green can. My legs would like to be as authentic as possible.
I would imagine that if cottage Parmesan cheese legs were as undesirable as the spam leads me to believe, it’s probably the stuff in the shaker, because nothing says undesirable like cheese that feels the need to reassure you that it contains cheese. But I suppose being the only dairy product that lives in the condiment aisle would probably make me feel insecure, too.
“will take 3 to 4 people to move.”
Not with the assistance of a good bier.
I usually go through at least a case of biers whenever I need someone to help me move something.
The fact that it will take 3 or 4 people to move makes me quite suspicious that perhaps the previous owner is still USING the coffin. My husband bought a slightly dented coffin off the interwebs* and it was surprisingly light. Also, surprisingly poorly made, all the way around. Everything was phony – even the “pillows” on the sides weren’t soft. Of course, who touches a coffin, so who’s going to know, right? Anyway, the two of us could move it pretty easily.
*This is actually true.
*eyes her post* Do you think that needed corey tags?
TelcaCat, corey tags go with everything. 8) Keep snarking!
Taco and CJ, we need the box back by morning. Punchity Punch Punch!
Tonight, an appropriate poem, misremembered from MAD magazine.
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, son.
Get where you’re going with eternal combustion.
G’Night!
I just realized I’ve stopped by and read the post AND comments just about every day this week, but apparently my snark was broken so I just didn’t comment. It’s been an odd week. Hopefully the snark will be back to normal next week.
You can have mine. I don’t seem to use it much.
Wait! Everyone stop RIGHT.WHERE.YOU.ARE! Someone is MISSING from this snarkfest. ::looks around..:: ok where is the redhead?!? Maybe SHE is in the coffin and the AD is like…a randsom note! OMG! (ie: Lola).
She must have a laptop in there, because she was posting on Facebook. Hey, a great selling point for coffins! Give the dearly departed free WiFi!
“bought at garage sale and never put to use.”
What use were you planning on putting it to? :S
As someone who goes to a lot of garage sales, I must admit that finding a coffin at a garage sale isn’t unbelievable. Sometimes people wind up with odd things in their basements– I mean, really, you think every single coffin in the world is sitting either in a funeral home or a grave? You don’t think a few wound up cluttering people’s homes? I’ve worked at haunted houses that had real coffins. What do you think happens when the haunted houses shut down? They sell their props– including the coffins– for cheap to some guy who wants to put up a cool display in his yard on Halloween. The coffin then winds up in the basement, taking up space. He finally has a garage sale to clear out junk, and this is where Sparky finds it, right between the “FREE” box and a table filled with dirty mugs.
My parents have a church pew in their basement. It’s from the church they were married in. This is a full-sized pew, about 9 feet long. It’s currently being used to support boxes of junk. How will we get rid of it one day? GARAGE SALE!
Some things I’ve found at garage sales include an old-fashioned, full-sized gumball machine; real crossbows; a real scythe; half-used bottles of lotion (you find a lot of those); novelty-shaped whiskey bottles, both with and without whiskey; boat motors; a squid hat; and a real traffic light.