YSaC, Vol. 993: Blow, Gabriel, Bl… No, on second thought, don’t.

2011 May 18

Eric sends this:

Sweet-Ass Trumpet – $100


Up for sale is one sweet-ass 1932 Pan-American trumpet. It comes with a case, mouthpiece, valve-oil, some sheet music, and a couple of mutes. For one hundred bones it can be YOUR sweet-ass trumpet. Think about it. Yours.

Pinky, are you thinking what I’m thinking?

I thought so.

146 Responses leave one →
  1. 2011 May 18

    I’ll have to think about it. The exchange rate of the firm obo against the bone is so sweet-ass right now.

    Adores: 7
    • 2011 May 18

      That sounds vaguely dirty.

      Adores: 2
      • 2011 May 18
        Camille permalink

        Vaguely?

        Adores: 1
        • 2011 May 18

          Euphemizing “exchange rate” required a degree of filthiness I am currently not caffeinated enough to achieve. Give me another hour or so to build an extension to my corner, maybe with a nice big deck.

          I said deck.

          Adores: 8
        • 2011 May 18
          mudslicker permalink

          Well, we here at the Snark Lounge are perfectly aware of what you meant by the word deck Mr. Smarty Pants.

          Adores: 2
      • 2011 May 18
        funky monkey permalink

        Speaking of dirty: Try Googling “sweet ass valve oil”. Who knew that KY made that. And they had a how-to video. My monitor just melted.

        Adores: 4
        • 2011 May 18

          Uncle Google can be a very dirty old man at times.*

          *All the time.

          Adores: 14
  2. 2011 May 18
    skye permalink

    Mute ass-trumpets are probably the best variety. Just sayin’.

    Adores: 10
    • 2011 May 18

      Don’t bet on it. The silent ones are the deadliest.

      Adores: 15
      • 2011 May 18
        mudslicker permalink

        pffft…

        Adores: 3
        • 2011 May 18

          I know what you’re thinking. Did he eat Mexican, or only burgers? Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kinda lost track myself. But Mudsy, this is a Mariachi ass trumpet, the most powerful ass trumpet in the world, and can blow your hair clean off. You have to ask yourself one question: “Do I feel stuffy?” Well do ya … punk?

          Adores: 9
        • 2011 May 18
          mudslicker permalink

          Mariachi Ass Trumpet is IF’s Herb Alpert & The Tijuana Brass cover band.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 May 18
          Irregular Fractal permalink

          Since my name has been invoked in the same sentence as Mariachi, I feel compelled to relate one of my Favorite Stories Ever (TM, pat. pending).
          The summer after finishing college in upstate NY, a bunch of us took a road trip up to Toronto for a long weekend. I don’t even recall what compelled us to create this particular plan, aside from the fact that we had already planned to visit a friend outside of Buffalo and it’s always cool to go to Soviet Canuckistan. We piled into a late model Olds Delta 88, proceeded to blow a tire on the QEW (which our car-owning friend had let bald down to the steel belts), and re-enacted a Benny Hill sequence in traffic coming into T.O.
          But the truly surreal part was when we went a-barhoppin’ that evening. We’d hit a few places and stumbled upon a venue called, “The Loose Moose,” and decided we just had to go in. It seemed a routine enough place – your typical barroom adornments, plenty of neon signs, hockey swag, and…
          …a mariachi band, in full regalia.
          Covering Loser, by Beck.

          This resulted in a series of stupefied half-sentences, tilted heads, and I’m pretty sure somebody’s brain caught on fire.

          Adores: 19
        • 2011 May 18

          TO is my home town, and I’ve been to The Loose Moose. They have some pretty powerful suicide wings, though they don’t quite sear the skin off the roof of your mouth. They didn’t have a live band when I went though, and I’m sure I would have remembered a Mariachi band playing anything. I certainly remembered this. (Keep a brain extinguisher handy.)

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 May 18
          mudslicker permalink

          Do they have a bar called The Canadian Bacontini up there too?

          If so, I hope it’s decorated in lumberjack plaid and Dudley-do-Right and Snidely Whiplash murals and serves Tim Hortons’ donuts and moose wings dipped in maple syrup at happy hour (which always starts at “aboot” 9am).

          Eh?

          Adores: 5
        • 2011 May 18
          Bombdude permalink

          I certainly remembered this. (Keep a brain extinguisher handy.)

          The mind… it is boggled!!

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 May 18

          There was, but they closed down. Beaver infestation. (And not the good kind.)

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 May 18
          mudslicker permalink

          Elucidate the term “not the good kind”

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 May 18

          Good kind: Eats wood.
          Bad kind: Eats wood.

          Adores: 9
        • 2011 May 18
          mudslicker permalink

          Touché, Denture Dog. Touché .

          Good kind: wood
          Bad kind: wood

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 May 18

          How much wood could a wood…Oh nevermind.

          Adores: 2
  3. 2011 May 18
    LimeLolly permalink

    *TOOT*

    Pee eww!!

    Adores: 4
  4. 2011 May 18

    A hundred bones? That’s nearly half my entire skeleton. Okay, look, I’m prepared to offer all my vertebrae, but he can keep that mute couple – if I’m gonna be in a wheelchair for the rest of my life, I at least want someone who’ll talk to me…

    P.S. did Pan-Am get into ass-trumpets before or after they entered the airline business?

    Adores: 4
    • 2011 May 18

      Do they have to be our own bones?

      Adores: 6
      • 2011 May 18
        Lara permalink

        I have a few extra from Henry Hudson in my collection.

        Adores: 1
        • 2011 May 18
          mudslicker permalink

          Is that anything like The Franklin Mint?

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 May 18
          Camille permalink

          Do bones from the Franklin Mint have a minty shell?

          Adores: 2
  5. 2011 May 18
    funky monkey permalink

    “valve oil”

    heh

    heh heh

    for your “sweet ass” trumpet

    *snort*

    Adores: 16
    • 2011 May 18

      I think FM needs a good spot in the corner. Here’s a pillow to sit on.

      Adores: 3
      • 2011 May 18
        funky monkey permalink

        Thanks, sis. My trumpet was starting to hurt.

        Adores: 4
        • 2011 May 18

          I think funky monkey needs an avatar.

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 May 19

          I nominate this as FM’s new avatar!

          Adores: 2
  6. 2011 May 18


    This old man, he played one
    He made music on my bum
    With some valve oil on my crack, give a 100 bones
    This old horn came rolling home

    Adores: 22
    • 2011 May 18
      Innana permalink

      This old man, he played two:
      Ass-trumpet and ass-didgeridoo.
      With your wind in the instrument, hear that music moan.
      This old man came rolling home.

      Adores: 10
      • 2011 May 18

        This old man, he played four
        He played ass-trumpet at our store
        With a scream and a shout everyone ran away from him
        Now he’s got a rather sore rim.

        I’ll be in the corner.

        Adores: 9
        • 2011 May 18

          This old man, he played five:
          Best damn ass-trumpet player alive.
          ‘Cause there’s no one daft enough to want his throne,
          This old man gets left alone.

          Adores: 9
        • 2011 May 18

          :sprinkles birdseed over keyboard:

          Windy, can you change that last line to “This old man gets left alone.”, pretty please? My edit time ran out on me.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 May 18
          Windrose permalink

          Done. Could you throw in a bone with the seed? I got my eye on a sweet-ass instrument.

          Yes, I do know where the corner is, thank you.

          Adores: 6
        • 2011 May 18

          I think I have some spare metatarsals floating around here somewhere.

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 May 18
          Addicted Reader permalink

          You collection floats? I’ll pay you elebenty brazillion obos for your haunted bones!

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 May 18

          Deal! Just let me find my butterfly net.

          Adores: 0
  7. 2011 May 18
    funky monkey permalink

    This old man, he played three
    He played ass-trumpet for the show Glee
    He pissed off Jane Lynch ’cause he was deaf of tone
    This old man went limping home

    Adores: 6
    • 2011 May 18

      Awww, I did one for three two err too…


      This old man, he played three
      He put his mouthpiece where I pee
      With little doll and a cop, I pointed to his trombone
      This old man came rolling home.

      Adores: 9
      • 2011 May 18
        funky monkey permalink

        Don’t worry, yours so trumpeted, er, TRUMPED mine.

        This old man, he played four
        He played ass-trumpet behind the potty door
        With his Ex Lax and Charmin he partied all alone
        This old man came rolling home.

        Adores: 2
        • 2011 May 18
          mudslicker permalink

          I prefer to call my ass-trumpets “The Donald”

          Adores: 5
        • 2011 May 18
          SpaceBee permalink

          Hey Mudsy, is it still an ass-trumpet if it pulls out early?

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 May 18
          mudslicker permalink

          No. Then it’s just a rectum.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 May 18
          Bombdude permalink

          Pulled out early? Damn near killed’em

          Adores: 4
    • 2011 May 18
      CapnMac permalink

      I rather fear for our marching-band minors once school lets out in a bit . . .

      Also, afeared of as well . . .

      Adores: 1
  8. 2011 May 18

    “Bah. I do not need zees eenstrument. My anoos make eets own trumpet sound!”

    – Joseph Pujol, Le Pétomane

    Adores: 9
  9. 2011 May 18
    mudslicker permalink

    It’s a shame that there’s more of a market for rusty trombones. Sweet ass trumpets were so last decade.

    Adores: 1
    • 2011 May 18

      *points assertively to the corner*

      Adores: 6
      • 2011 May 18
        mudslicker permalink

        *grabs can of disinfectant*

        I’ll just sit over here with my saltines and bottle of chocolate Yoo-Hoo.

        Adores: 3
  10. 2011 May 18

    I don’t think I would be interested in a used ass trumpet, no matter how sweet it is. That’s really the sort of thing you’d want to buy new.

    Adores: 14
    • 2011 May 18
      mudslicker permalink

      What? You’re not a lover of antique ass-patina?

      Adores: 2
      • 2011 May 18

        Ass-Patina is IF’s Red Hot Chili Peppers cover band.

        Adores: 6
      • 2011 May 18

        I’m more concerned about how Sparky discovered it was “sweet” and if it’s taste-sweet or affectionate-sweet.

        I think I just tripped my squick circuitbreaker.

        Adores: 5
        • 2011 May 18
          mudslicker permalink

          Sparky says, “Yes.”

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 May 18
          Lara permalink

          It’s really a phat ass trumpet

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 May 18

          Can I get a low-phat ass trumpet instead? I’m trying to watch my figure.

          Adores: 7
        • 2011 May 18
          Addicted Reader permalink

          Watching someone else play their sweet ass-trumpet is the best diet aid ever!

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 May 19
          monkeypizzasonic permalink

          “I’m more concerned about how Sparky discovered it was “sweet” and if it’s taste-sweet or affectionate-sweet.”

          “Affectionate-sweet” brings to mind a trumpet that nuzzles and cuddles with you and acts like a happy puppy…awwww!

          …Sorry, that wasn’t dirty enough. I’ll just go sit in the…non…dirty…corner. With my puppy trumpet.

          Adores: 2
  11. 2011 May 18

    Damn, I was looking for a bitter-bottom Euphonium. My search continues.

    Adores: 6
    • 2011 May 18

      Maybe Asstro can point you in the right direction.

      Adores: 4
    • 2011 May 18
      mudslicker permalink

      Will a tiny tart Tuba suffice?

      Adores: 2
      • 2011 May 18

        How about a savory sphincter sax?

        Adores: 6
        • 2011 May 18

          Or a puckery pecil piccolo?

          Adores: 5
        • 2011 May 18
          Lara permalink

          Saccharine seated Sousaphone

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 May 18
          Lara permalink

          toothsome derriere Oboe

          Only firm OBOs accepted 😉

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 May 18
          Irregular Fractal permalink

          What about a rusty trombo…

          Oh, wait.

          (Note to Astro: don’t google that.)

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 May 18

          An Asspartame accordian?

          Adores: 3
      • 2011 May 18
        funky monkey permalink

        Or a flatulating fellatio flute?

        I’ve never been sent to the corner. Should I be? Do I wait to be sent, or should I man up and go on my own?

        Adores: 5
        • 2011 May 18

          You’re welcome to share my corner, monkey man and/or lady; I have strawberry-kiwi coffee slices this morning. With sprinkles!

          Adores: 5
        • 2011 May 18
          funky monkey permalink

          And I have cat-nip filled eclairs. Joy!

          *skips to corner*

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 May 18
          Windrose permalink

          FM, here’s your GO Directly to Corner pass. 8) Enjoy.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 May 18
          mudslicker permalink

          I have saltines and Yoo-Hoo. Does anyone have any brie?

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 May 18
          Bombdude permalink

          flatulating fellatio flute

          Trying to imagine the physics involved in a flute that both sucks and blows…

          Or… I mean… OK, who’s got the cinnamon coffee slices??

          *heads to corner*

          Adores: 6
        • 2011 May 18
          CapnMac permalink

          And, a flute is transverse, not in line

          ow! Just how many vertices does the Corner have, 8^6 or 6^8? And do they all have to meet at once?

          Adores: 1
      • 2011 May 18
        funky monkey permalink

        “Trying to imagine the physics involved in a flute that both sucks and blows..”

        Well, the flute has two openings….

        Adores: 2
        • 2011 May 18

          You just have to make sure that when you insert it in…

          Gotta go.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 May 19
          monkeypizzasonic permalink

          Yeah, but if it has too much suction it might get stuck somewhere. And you’d have a very embarassing trip to the emergency room coming your way.

          *sits in the corner with a nice book*

          Adores: 1
    • 2011 May 18
      Lara permalink

      *hands Taco an ass Garmin*

      Just plug it in there

      *heads to the corner*

      Adores: 5
      • 2011 May 18

        Just how many corners does the snark lounge have, anyway? Seems like more people are crammed into the corner today than are lounging by the red table.

        Adores: 1
        • 2011 May 18

          Like the TARDIS, the Snark Lounge is bigger on the inside. Plenty of corners for everyone.

          Adores: 6
        • 2011 May 18

          Or is it like the Room of Requirement that magically changes shape to add one more corner or remove a corner as needed? If so, then today it’s nearly circular.

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 May 18

          The corner is alwasy as big as you want it to be.

          Speaking of which, do I smell coffee slices?

          Adores: 2
  12. 2011 May 18
    Irregular Fractal permalink

    Given that my orchestra (yes, I have time to play in an orchestra amidst my busy cover band schedule) just took up Liberty Bell March last evening, this is tremendously timely.

    Adores: 3
    • 2011 May 18
      mudslicker permalink

      I take it your Liberty Bell March had a predominant crack in it?

      Adores: 2
      • 2011 May 18
        Irregular Fractal permalink

        No, but a foot does come down and squish us all at the end.

        (I don’t get how anyone can program that particular Sousa march seriously anymore.)

        Adores: 2
        • 2011 May 18

          The boss and I were having a discussion of all things Python one day.

          We concluded that huge-foot-smashes-everything was the troupe’s go-to when they had no clue how to end a sketch…well, that or large-ogre-chases-then-eats-everyone.

          Both were effective.

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 May 18
          CapnMac permalink

          [monty python trivial corey]
          The pythons have admitted that, when they could not figure a way out of a given absurdity, they would invoke the sixteen-ton weight.
          When that would not work, they’d have Ian dressed in knight’s armor come in with a rubber chicken.
          Which then became a motif of its own, having him in a camera pan or the like.
          [/corey]

          Adores: 1
      • 2011 May 18

        Don’t be so cheeky.

        Adores: 1
        • 2011 May 18
          Lara permalink

          *pinch*

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 May 19
          monkeypizzasonic permalink

          [sketch ending trivia corey]

          In the earlier days of the Muppets, Jim Henson ended most of the sketches with one of the characters being eaten or something exploding for the same reason.

          It was a good ending.

          [/end corey]

          Adores: 1
  13. 2011 May 18
    Lara permalink

    I think we all know what Sparky means by sheet music. It’s debatable if Sparky does though.

    Adores: 4
  14. 2011 May 18
    Windrose permalink

    I heard this trumpet was panned across America. *wait for it* No? Well, the good news is, thanks to our coffee slice habit, we’ll have less chance of getting prostate cancer.

    Adores: 8
    • 2011 May 18

      Easy for you to say. You don’t have a prostate.

      Adores: 3
      • 2011 May 18
        Windrose permalink

        I– I don’t? You sure? Geez, why didn’t anyone tell me before I volunteered for the research project?

        Adores: 3
      • 2011 May 18
        mudslicker permalink

        Windy thought all you had to do was prostrate and said, “Gee, how hard can that be? Just give me a good book and some bon bons and I’ll adore you forever.”

        Adores: 2
      • 2011 May 18
        CapnMac permalink

        [medical news corey]
        Actually, yesterday, the news was that 6 cups daily for women seemed to prevent ovarian issues. So, reading today that men, in similar consumption levels, have a similar protection, was poignant.

        Although, I’m still wondering about how the you-are-not-allowed-to-enjoy-anything nutritional crowd will respond. They barely admit that 1 or 2 glasses of wine a week are healthy.

        [/corey]

        Adores: 3
      • 2011 May 18
        funky monkey permalink

        *hands Windrose some valve-oil*

        This may help with the prostate exam. You’re welcome.

        Adores: 5
  15. 2011 May 18

    Wouldn’t a sour-ass trumpet have better pucker power?

    Adores: 5
  16. 2011 May 18

    This does, however, give a whole new meaning to the phrase “blow it out your ass”.

    With this trumpet one could respond with, “Why thank you, I believe I’ll do just that.”

    Adores: 8
    • 2011 May 18
      Bombdude permalink

      “And what key would you like that in?”

      Adores: 8
  17. 2011 May 18
    LimeLolly permalink

    Hahaha. 76 Trombones from The Music Man just came on my pandora station. I had a major giggling fit while reading YSaC, just now.

    Adores: 3
    • 2011 May 18

      Seventy-six trombones and an ass-trumpet…

      Adores: 2
      • 2011 May 18
        Camille permalink

        I don’t remember that verse…

        Adores: 1
        • 2011 May 18

          It’s in the dance mix version.

          Adores: 5
    • 2011 May 18
      CapnMac permalink

      I’ve been running away from the mental image of just how long a set of arms a person would need to work an ass-trombone . . .

      Adores: 7
  18. 2011 May 18

    So if Dan’s in the box, does that mean the landlord has come to inspect the property? I do hope someone removed the squirrel suit… I don’t want us to lose our deposit.

    Adores: 1
    • 2011 May 18
      mudslicker permalink

      Sparky’s got a “cup of deposit” for you if you ask him nicely.

      😉

      Adores: 2
    • 2011 May 18

      Just hide everything under the Guatusnake.

      Adores: 2
    • 2011 May 18

      Just make bloody sure the TacoThong is out of there, or our deposit might be the least of our worries.

      Adores: 1
    • 2011 May 18

      Squee!! I left half a mouse in there for him.

      You are welcome dan.

      Adores: 7
  19. 2011 May 18
    Bianchi Sound permalink

    Hey, my submission! Who’s this Eric fellow taking my credit?

    **Sulks off and waits hopefully for running Monty Python gag**

    Adores: 1
    • 2011 May 18

      Wasn’t me. I have a few Idle thoughts, though…

      Adores: 1
    • 2011 May 18
      mudslicker permalink

      Does it have anything to do with the Spanish Inquisition—because nobody expects that?

      *fingers crossed*

      Adores: 1
    • 2011 May 18
      Windrose permalink

      It’s me pet halibut, Eric.

      Adores: 3
    • 2011 May 18

      It’s only a flesh wound.

      Adores: 1
    • 2011 May 18
      Camille permalink

      Half a bee be upon him.

      Adores: 2
    • 2011 May 18

      Bring me a shrubbery!!!!

      Adores: 1
      • 2011 May 18
        CapnMac permalink

        Ni! Ni!

        Adores: 1
        • 2011 May 18
          eddie permalink

          It!

          Adores: 2
      • 2011 May 18
        Windrose permalink

        You said the word! Stop saying the word!

        Adores: 3
    • 2011 May 19
      monkeypizzasonic permalink

      Spam, spam, Eric, and spam…

      *cue viking chorus*

      Adores: 2
  20. 2011 May 18
    mudslicker permalink

    Damn you badly drawn Twilight characters! MTV Teen Wolf promo ads now in sidebar.

    Adores: 2
  21. 2011 May 18

    I decided to replace one letter:

    Sweat-Ass Trumpet

    You’re welcome.

    Adores: 6
    • 2011 May 18
      LimeLolly permalink

      Needs a shave too.

      *picks up coffee slice and pillow*

      Make room, someone.

      Adores: 4
    • 2011 May 18
      Windrose permalink

      *smacks side of Snark Lounge* The extra corners are stuck, for some reason. Probably needs a good lube.

      Adores: 4
      • 2011 May 18
        Irregular Fractal permalink

        Who doesn’t?

        Goodnight everybody!

        *slinks off to fifth-dimensional corner*

        **Fifth-Dimensional Corner is the name of my barbershop-style Fifth Dimension cover band**

        Adores: 3
    • 2011 May 18
      funky monkey permalink

      *again, hands Windrose the valve-oil*

      Dang, gonna have to run to the drugstore before long.

      Adores: 0
      • 2011 May 18
        LimeLolly permalink

        Would stop and pick up dinner on the way? Thanks.

        Um… no pork butt, though… I was thinking pizza.

        Adores: 0
    • 2011 May 19
      monkeypizzasonic permalink

      I did as well:

      “Sweet-Ass Crumpet”

      …Hey, if you don’t move the hyphen over, that doesn’t sound half bad. Would go better with tea slices than coffee slices though.

      Adores: 0
  22. 2011 May 18
    Innana permalink

    Ha. My sidebar now shows an ad for musical instruments. Nothing about the sugar content of the derrieres though.

    Adores: 1
  23. 2011 May 18

    You know you’re a band geek when…

    …you no longer can find humor in the term ‘valve oil’.

    …you don’t even bat an eyelash at the terms ‘finger’, ‘blow’, ‘buzz’, and ‘tongue’.

    …you immediately interpreted ‘bones’ as short for ‘trombones’.

    Adores: 6
    • 2011 May 18
      Ziaheart permalink

      So they want a hundred trombones for a trumpet? That must be a REALLY sweet ass-trumpet. And really shoddy trombones.

      Adores: 1
      • 2011 May 18
        Irregular Fractal permalink

        Maybe I can barter them down to 76. And why are these 110 cornets suddenly following me everywhere?

        Adores: 3
  24. 2011 May 18

    Sweet ass-trumpet!
    See also: http://xkcd.com/37/

    Adores: 0
    • 2011 May 18
      Supreme Ruler permalink

      @ skreidle: please see link in original post, following ‘Pinky’. Thank you for playing today.

      Adores: 2
      • 2011 May 19
        Windrose permalink

        My edit senses are tingling. Must. Resist. Taunting. Lurkers.

        Adores: 1
        • 2011 May 19

          Supreme Ruler? I thought we were governed by a protractor…

          Adores: 1
  25. 2011 May 19
    Windrose permalink

    Dan, hope your day in the box was like a day without cheesecake. (who writes this stuff. I do? Oh. Sorry.)

    *gently punches dan’s card*

    G’Night, Pan-America!

    Adores: 2
    • 2011 May 19

      “A Day without Cheesecake” gets my vote for album title of the day.

      Adores: 1
  26. 2011 May 19
    Addicted Reader permalink

    I know no one is likely to see this, but it popped into my head last night:

    I think so, Brain, but there’s still a bug trumpet stuck up there from last time.

    Adores: 2
    • 2011 May 19
      Windrose permalink

      Good one, AR! Glad I popped in when this was still in the Talk Among Yourselves box. 8)

      Adores: 0

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