YSaC, Vol. 996: If she’s every woman, what am I?
2011 May 23
Need Female Oprah Singer
[company] and [person] are currently working on a song that needs a female oprah singer. Have a listen to the band [band name] and if you would like to try out, send off an e-mail with any questions you have. This recording can lead to future paid songs.
Man, I would LOVE to be an oprah singer. You would just follow Oprah every day, and sing. The only potential problem is that you would have to sing Nessun Dorma any time she wanted, and you know that would happen all the time.
If I was an Oprah singer I would name myself Gayle Fource Wynds.
Thanks, Kirsten (and Monica, for bringing it to my attention)!
Pick me, pick me! I can sing Oprah, but I won’t do it for (Win)free.
Why do I suspect this is some sort of giveaway-related thing on the show? “I love opera(h) singers, so you get one … and you get one, and you and you and you! Just look under your chairs* and see that you got one, too!”
*note: I suspect this precludes anyone getting, say, Pavarotti and others with similar builds (being dead might preclude that as well)
Unless she gets them bigger chairs or installs trapdoors under them.
Matchbox of ashes each for the entire studio audience, Alex?
Would the Oprah singer you won move in with you? I’m picturing being in bed, snuggling up to my honey who is spooning the Oprah singer. I’ll be in the corner.
Sending an email to [company] and [person] right now.
Dear [person]/[company];
I have listened to [band name] and I found it interesting that they play [type of music]. This truly surprised me as most bands who play [type of music] have a more [adjective] name. I am emailing because I have questions, they are as follows:
1. If I eat a Hershey’s bar before I breastfeed, will my baby get chocolate milk?
2. Why does the snark lounge have infinite corners and only one couch?
3. If it’s for sale, can I take it for free?
4. Do you know the way to San Jose?
5. Where have all the flowers gone?
6. If a train leaves Chicago at 1:30 travelling at 65 kms an hour and another train leaves Pittsburgh at 3:30 travelling at 33 kms an hour, where were you on the night of the 24th?
7. Can you write my ethics paper for me?
8. What is an Oprah singer and does it involve flucuating weight and morals?
Questioningly yours,
kelli
1. Yes but Dove makes better. If you eat the Quik rabbit you can have either chocolate or strawberry.
2. Because of Cat Math. Sammich.
3. Yes but the Police will be called. I have Sting on speed dial.
4. Go left at Albuquerque
5. To heaven. The good ones anyway.
6. Yes
7. Only if you’ll write my English paper
8. The morals fluctuate but the weight is stable
I felt that it was unlikely that [band name] would answer back because of [bad word] [bad word] [type of animal] [verb involving sheep] [celebrity apprentice]. I know how pressing those questions can be so I thought I would help. I’m a helper.
That explains a LOT about MiniEB’s current tastes.
Lara,
4. It’s ALWAYS a RIGHT turn at Alba-coiky.
I forgive you, you haven’t been watching them for 40+ years.
I was just shaking things up a bit. It probably should be a right turn anyway unless she is coming from Mexico.
5a. Where have all the merrymakers gone?
This is Oprah’s own Rapture. In “real” Heaven, you sing to God all day, in Oprah’s you follow her around and sing to her. Ego is a terrible thing.
I am somewhat curious as to why [person] had to specify that they needed a female Oprah singer for [band name].
Is there a male Oprah out there that I am unaware of?
Newt Gingrich
I’ve always thought he looks a bit like a bear that’s been shaved.
He really ought to be named Bear Gingrich.
Newt Sammich.
No thanks, I just had a monitor lizard salad for lunch.
HEY! That was my Uncle Louie!!!
He needed more garlic.
I thought ghosts are repelled by garlic.
Everything needs more garlic.
Dr Phil?
I vote we all kick him in the balls and see if he can reach the high notes
[Opera corey: The “Dirty Jobs” guy was a professional opera singer in one of the Bay area operas. /Opera corey]
Mike Rowe.
Love him.
I love “Dirty Jobs.” I would also like to say that the paper towel commercial he did makes me sort of sad because he is probably approaching if not past 40 and is still supposedly living with his parents. I think it’s because he just can’t keep any of those dirty jobs for more than an episode.
Not to worry, Lara. Methinks it’s just a commercial although those are his parents. In real (grown-up) life, word is that Mike Rowe has an apartment in the City (SF) and a girlfriend who occupies it with him. This, however, has been unconfirmed by TMZ. So, take it with a grain of salt.
OPRAH NOT ON FIRE!
I can fix that; all I need is a plane ticket to Chicago, some vintage Crisco, and
a road flarerocket shoes.Vintage Crisco and Rocket Shoes, is IF’s Elton John cover band.
I’ll do it, but only if I can be accompanied by my Harpo player.
Would you wear the color purple on stage?
While eating beef?
With a fox?
…Wearing socks? While climbing rocks? With a small vial full of pox?
I will sing for her on a train
I will sing for her in the rain
I’m not a fan of Dr. Phil
He is expensive, I ran out on the bill
I’m not opposed to pan-fried Spam
I sing for Oprah, therefore, I AM!
Harpo players are really difficult to manage because they keep running off after blondes and honking at you.
Are you kidding? That’s half my act!
Does the other half involve playing a piano for a few minutes then destroying said piano to reveal a harp inside which you set upright and play?
I would so pay to go see this band, as long as they had a male couch-jumping Tom Cruise.
I prefer female couch-jumping Tom Cruises.
Couches have gender???
In other languages they do.
*resolves not to sit on couch at home until its gender is known*
How do you know the gender? Lift them up and look underneath?
As trucks now need not go genderless, I’m sure there’s a website where you can get Couch-Nutz. However, you can’t get them for barco-loungers because there’s usually a pair already attached to the seat of one of those happily watching sports.
Well, it seems to depend on where it was made.
In Germany, das sofa is neuter.
In France, le canapé is masculine.
In Spain, el sofá is masculine.
In the UK, isn’t a bit early to go assigning gender values?
And when in (ancient) Rome, I do believe lectus is masculine.
After reading the general assessment of couches’ gender in various languages, I think I’m going to sell mine (on CL, where else?) and just stand around a lot at home.
Oh calm down and go sit in the lap of your masculine couch. You should address the couch as Steve.
Lara, following your advice resulted in the nickname “Bad Touch Steve.” 8) I’m going to buy a nice neutral and neuter chair and have done with it.
I am the Oprah of Chicago
Seemegrow… Seemegrow… Seemegrow… Seemegrow…Seemegrow…
Seemegrow… Seemegrow… Seemegrow… Seemegrow…Seemegrow!!!
I’m an accomplished Oprah singer, and the ferret is a rather good (Pearl) Bailey dancer.
I would much rather be a whoppi singer. I would be laughing all day long.
Edit: No, not going to change it to Whoopi and make all your comments silly. I will just take my lumps and go get more sleep tonight. 8)
(Windy…. You’ve misquoted in the box… either that or… No! I’ve been possessed by the spirit of a cat!)
I can honestly say I don’t have Jesus hogtied in my cloest.
I keep Him in the basement freezer between the peas and the pizza.
So that’s what made the image on the shroud of Turin! It was pizza sauce!
Why would you keep Jesus between the peas and pizza? Why not between the Icee Pops and the frozen kelp? Everyone knows that you keep POTATOES between peas and pizza.
The More You Know
And knowing is half the battle! (cue rainbow and chimes)
My boss groans whenever I use that line. He remembers the old GI Joe cartoons, too.
Jehovah took up too much room beside the Icee Pops, I had to shoehorn Jesus in wherever He would fit.
Well, wasn’t it Lennon who told us to “give peas a chance”?
D’oh! You two look so much alike. And are always in the box. And I fixed it. Sorry.
It’s alright. I don’t mind being confused for Ghostcat… now if you’d mixed me with my brother, we’d have to have a serious chat. 🙂
Is whoppi like a miniature Whopper?
No, it’s a polite way to refer to nookie. It’s also a pie that isn’t a pie but has more calories and sugar than a pie. Nookie has no calories and sugar unless you are using whip cream on your [slang for farm animal] and/or [slang for house pet].
Well it is in Taco’s universe anyway. I suppose I should have said nokiee.
Yes I actually missed the misspelling the first time around. I haven’t had coffee yet, someone cut me a slice before I miss something else.
Whoppi is obviously the dative singular.
Whopper
Whoppis
Whoppi
Whoppem
Whoppe
Whoppes
Whoppum
Whoppibus
Whoppes
Whoppibus
“How much for the Whoppibus?”
“It cost heap-big Whoppum.”
“I guess I’ll just have a Whopper instead.”
Sadly, I have nothing today… my brain is fried from this headcold so about all I can manage is a weak ‘heh heh’ at everyone else’s comments. I’ll be a-lurking if anyone needs me. Otherwise, unless I’m feeling more myself by this afternoon, just assume I’ll be back to my regularly scheduled snark tomorrow.
You have snark today in the box. Go have some tea and feel better.
I have coffee at the moment and the ability to make tea later today in the back. I was feeling better yesterday and even managed a nap while my son was taking his. But today has kicked my patootie royally.
SisterL — I’m right there with you. My darling son shared his cold with me.
Gotta love that. My toddler just started Pre-School / Daycare… whatever you want to call it. It’s a ‘learning center’ that takes kids up to 12 years old so we call it his ‘School.’ Anyway, this means all sorts of lovely germs will be coming home with him to infect me with the plague.
I hope you feel better Artsy! *offers lozenge*
When I worked in a creche, the children were affectionately* referred to as ‘toddling disease vectors’.
*-ish, depending on what fresh viral hell** they’d unleashed on us that week.
** Speaking of which, it’s colder down here than I’d imagined.
Jen, I have a friend who worked part of her way through college at a daycare. She was constantly barraged with illnesses of the like that most adults seem not to get too often but which could go through a daycare like prunes through a … well, anyway. She liked the job, but was very glad to do something else after a couple of years, where the bulk of the people she interacted with were generally continent, and probably not subscribers to the Kiddie Krud of the Week Klub.
Although it does build your tolerance to superhuman levels – I thought I was a sickly soul, but for about three years after leaving that place for the Real World, I was hardly ever ill. Seems to have worn off now, though, as my tonsils have tried to stage hostile takeovers twice in the last month. Grr. Maybe I need to borrow some children for a while…*
*NB author does not advocate ‘borrowing’ children to enhance immuno responses. Borrowing children can lead to unwelcome visits to Mr Police Station and loss of tv time. Do not taunt happy fun ball.
Baby and Toddler story times are masses of slobbery hands coming at you. This is why I get the flu shot and wash my hands frequently. They are cute but overflowing with bodily fluids.
Ok, I suddenly am flashing back to Dr. Strangelove with the bodily fluids comment. What a weird association.
Is this like Mad Libs? I will play!
Need Female Oprah Singer
[Kraft Foods Inc.] and [Kim Jong-il] are currently working on a song that needs a female oprah singer. Have a listen to the band [Slipknot] and if you would like to try out, send off an e-mail with any questions you have. This recording can lead to future paid songs.
As somebody who barely acknowledges Oprah’s existance, let alone knows anything about her, I don’t have much to contribute to today’s snark.
Uh… something about a book club. Singing books?
I got nothin’.
She has her own network, I know that much. And I know this because apparently our cable bundle includes it. And she was playing Hatchi: A Dog’s Tale yesterday afternoon… and I was stupid enough to sit through the last 15 minutes blubbering like an idiot.
She has her own network? When did that happen?
Yes… and it’s actually called “OWN.” Oprah Winfrey Network. *sigh*
It kind of kills you inside doesn’t it?
I was just talking about that with a coworker. She watched some show about a “cat whisperer” and was trying to figure out what channel it was on. OWN was apparently a definite contender.
I would definitely watch a show about a cat whisperer. Especially if the cat still has all of its claws.
I for one welcome our new talk show host overlords.
I think the cat guy is on Animal Planet. My Cat From Hell or something like that. Either that or there’s a plethora of cat reasoners out there.
I contend it’s a futile effort where, at the end of the day, they still force us to pick poop out of a sandbox as they meow-snicker to themselves saying, “Oh yeah, they think they’re whispering to us. Dig deeper, sucker.”
The only memory I have of Oprah is her dragging a wagon with 60+ pounds of lard in it out on stage once.
Something about weight loss.
*I have a coirker who thinks she’s the antichrist.
*true story
Wait a sec. Does your coirker think Oprah is the antichrist or that the coirker is the antichrist? I would like to know if your coirker is the antichrist, I like to keep an eye on him/her/snake. I would bring that up even if it had nothing to do with Oprah and her singers.
So Oprah is the antichrist. And the Rapture didn’t take place as scheduled.
Are we sure Oprah didn’t singlehandedly prevent the Rapture?
Lara – he thinks she is the antichrist, and if you have about two hours to kill he will tell you why.
IF – you may be on to something there…
I’m kind of scared now IF…
I don’t think those people really thought the rapture was coming. I think they knew that Lady Gaga’s new album was going to drop today and were just hoping not to be around for the media blitz.
Using the words “Lady GaGa” and “The ratpure” in the same context brought up amusing mental pictures of GaGa dressed up in a bedazzled Jesus ensemble with platforms made out of the hair of organic peaches.
That ensemble would indeed be ratpure, I think!
Gah, the Taco in me strikes again!
I wasn’t sure if it was intentional.
Damn, another outfit I can’t wear because Lady Gaga has/might/will wear it first. She’s always ruining my fashion debut.
One of my Sunday chores was to catch up on newspaper reading for the past week. Of course, this always includes the comics. I don’t have IF’s mad skillz in order to put the comic itself in my comment box, but here’s the website for aYSaC/Taco themed one. Click the calendar on the right to Wednesday, May 18.
Edit:
*blink*
How did this end up here? It’s supposed to go over there <=== and up ^ a little bit. Please use your scissors and paste accordingly. Thanks so much.
Archie, I’m not finding a linky anywhere.
You are correct. In all the apologizing for the stuff I can’t do, I forgot to do the one thing I can do:
http://www.theargylesweater.com
Rather reminiscent of the Far Side, isn’t it?
The one for 5/17 is YSaC-appropriate as well.
I had to print off the “Cat’s got your thong” one for work. The whole vet clinic thing… we appreciate animal related humor.
I bet you have the xkcd Cat Proximity one too.
http://xkcd.com/231/
Glad you all liked. This is one of my “no-sip” strips. I make a conscious effort not to be sipping coffee when reading. I miss Far Side.
Speaking of Larsen and the Far Side, a certain card company ruined my favorite one when they made it into a greeting card. In the original black and white strip, there is a group of identical penguins and one is singing, “I gotta be me.” This particular card company made one small change when converting Larsen’s original art. They made the penguin singing pink. Which killed the joke. Larsen complained about it loudly and often and the mugs were made correctly. But seeing the card at my local store ruined the joke for me permanantly.
One of my favorite Far Side comics is that one about scenes we rarely see in nature. It’s got a buck majestically jumping over a log with a low-hanging branch just at antler height. I don’t know why, but that one just strikes me as hilarious.
My FAV Far Side is the one where the kid is pushing on the door to the “School For the Gifted” with all his might, and in big black letters on the door the sign reads “PULL”.
Second favorite is the one where someone, can’t remember the name he used, is standing in a field, suit and tie on and holding a briefcase. The caption reads “[Male name] is outstanding in his field.”
My favorite was one of the earliest ones I remember – two Egyptian stonecarvers sitting on the head of the Sphinx, with the Sphinx’s famously-missing nose lying on the ground below (I realized years later that for the joke to work the proportions of carver-to-statue is all wrong, but it doesn’t matter). One is berating the other along the lines of “I said it was fine, but no, you had to go and hit it again.” I was watching a PBS show the other day on the construction of the Sphinx, and remembered that one right away.
My favorite(s) are the “trouble brewing” series he did. Of them, the one showing the annual hawker’s outing taking place next to the yearly teacup poodle picnic has always been the pick of the litter.
The Best Far Side Ever: A caveman “scientist” is sitting on a huge microscope looking in the lens at the huge wooly beast under the microscope and says to the other caveman scientist “It’s a mammoth”. Brilliant!
That is a good one, FM. I like a lot of his caveman ones. “Ug, take napkin. Have mammoth on face.” Hehe
My favourite is the Tarzan one where he’s swinging from vines thinking up pick-up lines, and when he gets there, he ends up saying “ME TARZAN, YOU JANE!” and does a facepalm. Teehee. Adorable.
What are we playing again?
My favorite is the Boneless Chicken Ranch.
We’re playing Fav Far Side Cartoon. I like the one where the lady flies are all having tea, and the cakes are passed around, and one says, “None for me, thanks. I just ate my young.”
CJ — To this day, when anyone in my family pulls on a push door, or tries to push a pull door, one of us will say, School for the Gifted.
My favorite is the one with the scientist that has his head inside the hatch on a nuclear missile working on it, and there’s another scientist behind him getting ready to pop a paper bag.
My favorite Far Side is the one with the dachshund making espresso and the caption reads “While their owners sleep, nervous dogs prepare for their day.” My parents have a dachshund that I am convinced has some source of caffeine somewhere. She is highly paranoid and neurotic. I love her to death.
Lara, I have that on a coffee cup. Schipperkes are similar in terms of energy content.
Yoooouuuuu getttt aaaaa caaaaarrrrrrr!!!
Aaaaannnndddd yyoooouuuuuu getttttt aaaaaa caaaaarrrrrrr!!!!
Evvvvveeeeerrryyyyboooodddyyyyy gettttttsssss aaaaaaa caaaaaarrrrrrr!!!!!
-Puccini
Ahh, the dulcet tones of a goddess-man.
Sounds just like that angel I hit with my car last weekend.
Was it Saturday morning? That would explain the lack of rapture for the rest of us.
Ummm …
Look, over there!
:runs away:
Does that mean that this gig is unpaid? Because Oprah singers are so rare, I really don’t think they’ll find one to do this for less than 15 brazillion obos and elebenty tubs of vintage cereal.
Dear Oprah-singer seeking Ass-head.
I must bring you news of great dread.
You somewhat misfired.
For Oprah’s retired.
Would you take a Stedman instead?
Sister Lyle, you know you could have dodged this Punchity Punch Punch and let GhostCat take it for you. But, nooooooo. 8)
Lara, Punchity Punch Punch!
G’night, Kosciusko, Mississippi!