YSaC, Vol. 997: What’s Oprah, doc?

2011 May 24

Variations on a theme. There’s four separate posts for the following in my inbox:

Candle Opera


We’ve even seen that one before; I suspect it’s relatively common.

This is a little less common:

FREE CHANDLER


Of course, Matthew Perry is in rehab again right now, but I think it’s voluntary, so I don’t think a protest will help very much. It doesn’t have the same gravitas behind it that FREE WINONA did.

But this is the first time I’ve seen this one!

Candle Oprah – $25


We have two candle oprah’s $25 OBO

You know, Oprah really has been a light in the dark, dark world. I can see how someone would want to reflect her shining example of glowing goodness on the rest of us. CandleOprah, save us from ourselves!

Thanks to Meghan, stolatt, Leigh, and Ginger for the Candle Opera ads, Jonathan for the Chandler, and to Ellen for the Candle Oprah!

157 Responses leave one →
  1. 2011 May 24
    LimeLolly permalink

    I had to replace all my singing light fixtures…. they only knew one song.

    Adores: 6
    • 2011 May 24
      ToBScholarly permalink

      “You Light Up my Life?”

      Adores: 5
      • 2011 May 24
        Lola permalink

        Let the Sunshine In?
        (They were lazy?)

        Adores: 5
        • 2011 May 24

          “St. Elmo’s Fire”?

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 May 24
          ToBScholarly permalink

          “The Electric Slide?”

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 May 24
          Windrose permalink

          “There’s a Light (Over at the Frankenstein Place)”

          Adores: 7
        • 2011 May 24

          “Ring of Fire?”

          Adores: 6
        • 2011 May 24
          Lola permalink

          “Here Comes the Sun”?

          Adores: 1
      • 2011 May 24
        Lara permalink

        “Be our guest”?

        Adores: 7
    • 2011 May 24
      funky monkey permalink

      Or “Candle In the Wind”:

      It seems to me you lived your life
      Like a Candle Oprah on Craig’s List
      Never knowing if it was your talkshow
      Or a book of matches you missed

      I would have liked to have bought you
      But I had nnnnnnot theeeeee caaaaash –
      Your ad ran out long before
      Letterman said “Kiss my ass”

      Adores: 15
      • 2011 May 24

        I vote that we go on a ‘find FM an avatar’ quest! You’re one of us, now… expand from the monotomy of the quilted oppression! Arise, Brother/Sister/Asexual Being! Show your true* face to the lounge!

        *True = image of choice.

        Adores: 3
        • 2011 May 24
          ToBScholarly permalink

          Possible avatars for FM that spring to my mind:
          Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey
          Sock Monkey
          Album cover for FunkyTown by Lipps

          I am not cool enough to figure out how to link to images. Sorry.

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 May 24

          This.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 May 24
          funky monkey permalink

          *squeal* I’m flattered, but I’ve tried to get an avatar and apparantly I have to register first. When I try to register, it tells me “user registration is not currently allowed”. Hum. And I have an adorable pic of Curious George that I want for an avatar.

          Tip: Never never never never Google “monkey pics”.

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 May 24

          How about a movie reference
          http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lfdz6sKayd1qcemcyo1_400.jpg

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 May 24

          darn, I was hoping you would want this
          http://b.vimeocdn.com/ps/268/268914_300.jpg

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 May 24

          You going through Gravatar there FM?

          The user registration not allowed sounds like the wordpress bug that happens from time to time. You can clear that by clearing your chache most of the time… but wordpress does its avatars through gravatar, so having a wordpress account probably won’t help you.

          Adores: 1
      • 2011 May 24

        Just go to Gravatar.com and register with the email address you use to comment here. That should do it. (If you need to actually register here, send me an email and I’ll do it for you — I’ve got registration turned off right now because I was getting 300+ spam registrations per day.)

        It might take a while for the avatar to show up here after you register on Gravatar.

        Adores: 1
        • 2011 May 24

          And by bug, I apparently meant Llama-nun-fu.

          Adores: 6
        • 2011 May 24

          Also, yesterday I tried to register a few hundred of my spare login names; many of which begin with viagramoneyloandealfreeipad4you. If you see any of those go ahead and approve them.

          Adores: 9
        • 2011 May 24
          funky monkey permalink

          Thanks for the direction.

          Check out my mug shot.
          HOW CUTE AM I!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

          Adores: 8
        • 2011 May 24

          SQUEEE!!

          Orangutiny!

          Adores: 6
        • 2011 May 24
          Windrose permalink

          Now you will be known as Not. A. Monkey. Because that is a photo of a baby librarian. (i.e., Discworld)

          Adores: 6
        • 2011 May 24

          If it doesn’t have a tail, it’s not a monkey
          Even if it has a monkey kind of shape.
          If it doesn’t have a tail, it’s not a monkey
          If it doesn’t have a tail, it’s not a monkey, it’s an ape!

          (Brownies for someone who recognizes the tune)

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 May 24
          CoffDrop permalink

          Magic Brownies? While on a photo safari, Larry the Cucumber sings this song (Silly Songs 3D cartoon series VeggieTales – The Wonderful Wizard of Ha’s).

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 May 25

          Double-chocolate chip brownie points for that answer, Coffie. I was expecting (if anyone actually knew) something as simple as ‘Larry sang it’ but to know the movie is pretty impressive.

          Adores: 0
    • 2011 May 24
      Angel permalink

      “Blinded by the Light”?

      Adores: 4
      • 2011 May 24
        LimeLolly permalink

        Even worse… they kept singing When We’re Human. It was kinda freaky.

        Adores: 2
      • 2011 May 24
        Windrose permalink

        Hi Angel! Someone ate an iguana here recently, and I was wondering if you were missing any neighbors. 8)

        Adores: 1
        • 2011 May 24
          funky monkey permalink

          Actually it was a “newt sammich”. Thank you.

          Adores: 2
    • 2011 May 24
      SpaceBug permalink

      Candle Oprah is IF’s Electric Light Orchestra post apocalyptic cover band.

      Adores: 4
  2. 2011 May 24
    Lola permalink

    I keep thinking of the part in Phantom of the Opera (? I’ve never seen, only read it) where the chandelier falls on the audience. Somehow, an Oprah Chandler with her and Matthew Perry falling on people just seems slightly less dramatic.

    Adores: 6
    • 2011 May 24

      Swinging from the Chandler…I’ll be in the corner

      Adores: 0
  3. 2011 May 24
    Irregular Fractal permalink

    Waitjustaminutehere…

    Ellen? Sent in the ad for Candle Oprah?

    Clearly this is yet another salvo in the epic Degeneris-Winfrey rivalry. It’s like a Jedi-Sith battle, without the lightsabers.

    Adores: 8
  4. 2011 May 24

    For get the Oprah Candle… I want the Aunt Closet sitting behind it. I bet I could fit all sorts of Aunts in that one.

    Adores: 5
    • 2011 May 24

      “For get”?

      Stop workin’ my side of the street, Lyle!

      Adores: 4
      • 2011 May 24

        It’s the head-cold. Apparently the Rhinovirus makes me regress to an earlier state of Taco-dom… before I learned to proofread.

        Adores: 2
        • 2011 May 24
          Windrose permalink

          I almost corrected that for you this morning, but ran out of time. 8/ Funnier this way.

          Adores: 1
    • 2011 May 24
      Lara permalink

      That chair looks like it’s positioned for something sinister involving the Aunt closet.

      Adores: 2
  5. 2011 May 24
    DGiovanni permalink

    I have heard legend of the CandleOprah… it is said that the CandleOprah is a powerful staff that gives Oprah control over the Chupacabra. I have heard that the CandleOprah possesses the power to calm this mythical beast and give him a human form. There are those that say Dr. Phil is the human incarnation of the famed Chupacabra… I hope whomever purchases the CandleOprah takes their new-found responsibility seriously. Who knows what catastrophe would be brought upon the world if the Chupacabra was given all the power that Dr. Phil has amassed….

    Adores: 7
  6. 2011 May 24

    I must say that new diet Oprah’s on seems to be working miracles.

    Adores: 6
  7. 2011 May 24
    funky monkey permalink

    And maybe the “FREE CHANDLER” ad is actually alluding to the episode where Chandler is put in a box as punishment for stealing Joey’s girlfriend.

    Adores: 6
    • 2011 May 24
      Lola permalink

      I also wondered if it was a misguided reference to the film “Heathers,”* which should have instead read “Chandler Lives” (spoiler alert: Heather Chandler actually dies).

      *A classic for the ages, and don’t try to tell me any different.

      Adores: 5
      • 2011 May 24
        funky monkey permalink

        “I love my dead gay son!!!!!!!”*

        *This is a movie quote, don’t hit me.

        Adores: 7
      • 2011 May 24
        SilvaNoir permalink

        I love that movie!

        “Eskimoooooo”

        Adores: 3
        • 2011 May 24
          Lola permalink

          “Corn Nuts!”

          Yeah. 8)

          Adores: 0
  8. 2011 May 24
    ToBScholarly permalink

    Incidentally, they are now asking $15 for each. Apparently inflation is hitting Oprah pretty hard… and fast.

    Adores: 3
  9. 2011 May 24
    ToBScholarly permalink

    Fun with pictures: What can one do with an orange folding chair, an Oprah, and a mountain of bagged rock salt?

    Looks like celebrity wrestling time to me.

    Adores: 6
  10. 2011 May 24

    Online I found it there for sale, for free,
    A wax shaft and wick; brought it home with me.
    Do I light it right now or should I wait,
    This wax God of light my desires sate.

    Melt all over now, the fire growing strong,
    A group of dancing lights, so brief then gone.
    And though it burns away you’ll get my gist,
    That the Candle of the Opera is there on Craigslist.

    Those who surf the net don’t want you much,
    Your sheen of perafin, beezwax, or such.
    I see your sale, a deal that can’t be missed,
    Yet still the Candle of the Opera is there on Craigslist.

    I lit the Candle of the Opera!
    Vanilla scented Candle of the Opera!

    Adores: 7
    • 2011 May 24
      Windrose permalink

      Well, better than A Candle in the Winfrey.

      Adores: 3
    • 2011 May 24
      Lola permalink

      Holy Vanilla, or Sinful Vanilla?

      Adores: 5
  11. 2011 May 24
    Windrose permalink

    All these candle ads must have been in preparation for the end times, when the power infrastructure would fail, forcing those of us left behind to set our houses on fire in order to read our computer screens.

    What?

    Adores: 8
    • 2011 May 24

      Makes sense to me. How else are you going to update your status on Facebook?

      Adores: 10
      • 2011 May 24
        Lola permalink

        “Fighting off zombies and helping get an asteroid off of the house, which fell on us right after the earthquake and rain of frogs. BRB.”

        Adores: 5
        • 2011 May 24

          “Hiding in the bunker eating canned peaches while everyone burns. Kind of wish I could have seen the four horseman, they must have looked awesome.”

          Adores: 9
        • 2011 May 24
          Windrose permalink

          Lola, stealing that for FB right now!

          Adores: 2
      • 2011 May 24

        JOB OFFER: Facebook Maintenece Drone – BIG PAY!
        I need a mindless corperate tool that can update my facebook on a daily basis exactly how I mandate it right down to the emoticons. Should not show any initiative or iventivness other than what I specify. Must be willing to substitute my opinions in place of your own in your daily life.

        Qualified applicants will have no fewer than 5 facebook accounts under various aliases which can be used to like all the posts you’ll be making for me. They will also have at least 1 years experience in farmville maintenence. Spam avoision certification preferred, but not manditory.

        This is a non-paying position.

        Adores: 8
        • 2011 May 24

          I’ll let you people guess which words I purposefully spelled wrong, and which are honest to goodness typos.

          Bwahahahahahahaha!

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 May 24
          Lola permalink

          Pfft, no snacks? Fughedaboudit, then.

          Adores: 2
      • 2011 May 24

        I was disappointed that a status option after the ‘Rapture’ wasn’t ‘Still here, bitches.’

        Adores: 12
        • 2011 May 24

          I’ve always been dissapointed that they don’t have “no longer in corporeal form” as an option. Ghosts like to keep in touch too!

          Adores: 5
        • 2011 May 24

          Imagine how disappointed all those ghosts would have been if the big event had happened.

          Ghost: “WTF?? I had to die…and horribly, too…to get here and you! You’re sitting on the couch, eating a ham sammie and poof! By the way, could you cover your nether bits? Its considered bad form to go around nekkid here. Go see St. Peter, or one of the Laundry Angels, they’ll fix you right up with your own toga…and, yes white is the only color they come in.”

          Rapture-ee: *blinks uncomprehendingly, vestiges of ham sammie dripping onto Heaven’s floor*

          God: “I’m NOT cleaning that up!!” *walks away, shaking cane…on Earth, thunder rolls*

          Adores: 13
        • 2011 May 24

          Adoring that means the next rapture is gonna pass me by too.

          Adores: 6
        • 2011 May 24
          funky monkey permalink

          That is the quote of the week. HIGH FIVE!

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 May 24

          *supplies FM with the highfive so he/she/it? isn’t left hanging*

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 May 24
          funky monkey permalink

          For the record, I am a

          *checks down south*

          a girl. Or a very cold young male.

          Adores: 5
        • 2011 May 24

          For Lyle’s sake, I hope that wasn’t the poo-flinging hand.

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 May 24

          I thought perhaps as much after the enthusiastic squee but my brother does the same thing with the proper prompting so I couldn’t be too sure 🙂 *discretely washes hand*

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 May 24
          Windrose permalink

          If my dad didn’t post on Facebook these days, Sis, I would totally to the Still Here status.

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 May 24
          Windrose permalink

          FM, here are some pink bows for your hair! And pink booties. Oh. It does clash a bit with the red hair.

          Adores: 0
  12. 2011 May 24
    Lara permalink

    Lumiere is free for the Candle Opera. He’s been sitting around since 1991 and could use another job so he can support his very strange flaming feather duster family.

    Adores: 7
  13. 2011 May 24

    This may be an unfortunate sign of things to come, but I am creating a word press blog and I can’t figure out how to link it to my name on here. Can someone either tell me succinctly here or go in the forums and let me know? Pretty peas with an Oprah on top?

    Adores: 1
    • 2011 May 24

      Just put it in the “website” portion of the 3 text boxes. If you’re logged in you’ll need to log out. I think there is also a way to attach it to your wordpress forum account, but I’m not sure how to do that.

      Also, make sure to include the “http://” portion of the address, as it won’t work without that.

      Adores: 1
      • 2011 May 24

        Now it’s working. I guess I had to ask before it would work. Either that or Windy did something magic.

        Adores: 1
      • 2011 May 24

        What he said. Right now your name links directly the to wordpress home page so you’re almost there.

        Adores: 1
        • 2011 May 24

          Thanks!

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 May 24

          Wait, which three text boxes. I feel like such an idiot.

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 May 24

          nothing I am writing is showing up. I am vaguely alarmed

          Adores: 0
      • 2011 May 24

        Yeah, it looks like it should be http://lifeabsurd.wordpress.com, presuming that’s your blog — though there’s nothing on it right now.

        Adores: 1
  14. 2011 May 24

    I can’t seem to post! Nevermind, that was weird! Did anyone else have a problem?

    Adores: 1
    • 2011 May 24

      I have many, many problems.

      None are posting-related though.

      Adores: 7
      • 2011 May 24

        Batman: The cause of and solution to all GhostCat’s problems.

        Adores: 8
        • 2011 May 24

          Not all of them.

          I have a hangnail I’m ninety-five percent sure isn’t Batman related.

          Adores: 6
        • 2011 May 24

          I assure you, it is.

          Adores: 0
    • 2011 May 24
      Irregular Fractal permalink

      *looks in problem bin*
      *counts*

      Ninety-nine.

      Adores: 3
      • 2011 May 24

        99 problems in IF’s bin
        99 problems in the bin,
        Take one out and..

        OH MY GOD IT’S A HUMAN HAND! ARRRGGGGHHHH!

        *Flees in terror*

        Adores: 5
        • 2011 May 24

          Now look. You’ve hurt Thing’s feelings. I hope you’re happy.

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 May 24

          We had a cat come in today named 99. I think it had something to do with Get Smart.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 May 24

          Or it was a really, really big litter and they ran out of names.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 May 24

          99 adorable kittens for sale
          99 adorable kittens…
          Take one home
          Name it Ga’nome
          98 adorable kittens for sale.

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 May 24

          98 adorable kittens for sale
          98 adorable kittens…
          Take one home
          Name it Sharone
          97 adorable kittens for sale.

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 May 24

          97 adorable kittens for sale
          97 adorable kittens…
          Take one home
          Name it Toblerone
          96 adorable kittens for sale.

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 May 24
          Lola permalink

          96 adorable kittehs for sale,
          96 adorable kittehs,
          take one home,
          name him Capone,
          95 adorable kittehs for sale

          Adores: 5
        • 2011 May 24

          96 adorable kittens for sale
          96 adorable kittens…
          Take one home
          Name it Capone
          95 adorable kittens for sale.

          EDIT – Jinx Lola!

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 May 24

          95 adorable kittens for sale
          95 adorable kittens…
          Take one home
          Name it… Oprah…
          11∗√(Pythagoras) adorable kittens for sale.

          Adores: 5
        • 2011 May 24
          LimeLolly permalink

          94 adorable kittens for sale
          94 adorable kittens…
          Take one home
          Name it Britches
          93 adorable kittens for sale

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 May 24
          Windrose permalink

          93 adorable kittens for sale,
          93 kittens for sale!
          Take one home,
          Name it Ramon,
          92 adorable kittens for sale.

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 May 24

          92 adorable kittens for sale,
          92 kittens for sale!
          Tone one home,
          Name it Stalone,
          91 adorable kittens for sale.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 May 24

          Tone one home,

          I was not aware that the imperative of “to take” is now “tone”.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 May 25

          Apparently Taco adopted the chubby kitten and needed to tone it’s flabby-ass down a bit.

          Adores: 0
  15. 2011 May 24

    [OT]

    Long weekend here in Canada, and I’ve kind of been radio silent. My father-in-law was staying over while visiting us and other relatives, which is always a bit of a … stressful time, as he and my wife always get into arguments, and both of them being Italian (he totally old school, thick accent and all) means it was like watching mules trying to get each other to unwillingly move. Kind of hard to snark and be creative in that sort of environment, so I had to make up for it this morning finishing up a trilogy I should have done over the weekend when it was still relevant. *sigh*

    He left this morning though, so despite the fact that my long weekend was shot at least we’ll have some peace and quiet. At least until he returns for father’s day.

    I will now return me to my regularly scheduled snarking already in progress.

    [/OT]

    …Oprah and Chandler in bed! Oh, my.

    Adores: 5
    • 2011 May 24

      Do their arguments sound like Mario and Luigi talking in Super Star Saga? Bedabobbadabe? Dababadabe! Bedabab. Babadabebe! With lots of hand gesticulations?

      Adores: 4
      • 2011 May 24

        Mamma Mia! That’s a spicy meat-a-ball!

        Adores: 3
      • 2011 May 24

        Well, they were talking in English (he in broken English, my wife in perfectly fine English since she doesn’t even speak Italian) but his side of the conversation was not too far off that mark, actually. Lots of superfluous terminating vowels.

        Adores: 4
  16. 2011 May 24

    So… How awesome is it that the 1000th YSaC post is gonna fall on a Friday!! Talk about double bonus!

    It’s pretty bad that it’s Tuesday and I’m already pining for Friday.

    Adores: 3
    • 2011 May 24

      It’s only been a month since my last vacation, but I’m already pining for another one. Fortunately that happens in mid-July so not long to wait.

      Given that 1000 is quite a milestone, I’m thinking something extra-specially-double-plus-good is being cooked up. We should have fireworks and ponies and a disco wok and unblublers and nacho cheese fountains and and Lionel Richie cheese heads and Bea Arthur standees and a bowl of lacawates valtrus-sukas and zombie clowns and, for no particular reason, Richard Dean Anderson.

      Related: I was trying to Google the proper spelling for lacawates valtrus-suka by searching for “valrus suka” (because I couldn’t quite remember the spelling, you see). Google helpfully trying to suggest what I might be looking for:

      Did you mean: Walrus Sutra

      I will never think about bukkits the same way again.

      Adores: 7
      • 2011 May 24
        funky monkey permalink

        Oh Dear Lord. Would “Walrus Sutra” be a chapter in the Kama Sutra? Jebus help us.

        Adores: 0
      • 2011 May 24

        You should avoid “kitty sutra” as well.

        A mispelling of “Kitten Sutures” lead to that one. There is not enough brain bleach in the world to get rid of those images.

        Adores: 3
        • 2011 May 24

          Position 34: feasting upon the wounded mouse.

          *Goes off to replace his brain*

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 May 24
          funky monkey permalink

          I’ve just put myself in the corner. To protect myself.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 May 24

          Silly monkey. The corner is where all us bad kids hang out. If you want to be protected you’ll have to stand directly in the middle of the potted ficus. Although we’ve had reports that the ficus can get a little frisky sometimes. Just close your eyes and think of France.

          Adores: 2
      • 2011 May 24
        CapnMac permalink

        Ok, I’m not sure if it is the idea of a pinniped mitzvah or all the dancing in sari that makes a Sutra Odobenus something to make a brain spin like a smoothie for Zomb

        Adores: 0
      • 2011 May 24
        LurkRealClose permalink

        There’s ALWAYS a reason for Richard Dean Anderson. *smirk*

        Adores: 1
        • 2011 May 24

          Especially if it involves a comb, some beeswax, a chocolate bar, half a packet of paperclips, gum, and two left shoes.

          Adores: 5
        • 2011 May 24

          Also known as Page 114 of the Walrus Sutra; the Kennebunkport Twist.

          Adores: 4
  17. 2011 May 24

    Shit. The plague is finally descending upon me. I guess I could only hold out against the wave of sickness for so long. Got the scratchy throat this morning and now the cough has taken hold (I feel like I’m gonna start losing teeth or tonsils or something).

    I should have followed my “DON’T LEAVE THE HOUSE TODAY” instinct this morning.

    Adores: 2
    • 2011 May 24

      *sprays copious amounts of Lysol on monitor, keyboard, laptop, docking station, et al in attempt to avoid rhino-plague-du-jour*

      Go home, now.

      Adores: 4
      • 2011 May 24

        I would like nothing more. But we’ve got a rather big software migration going on today (Which is why I’m trapped at my desk) so the best I’ve been able to manage is trying to contain myself to my desk area and minimize interactions with others.

        My day has been:

        Initialize SQL routine
        *HACK COUGH SPLUTTER*
        Transfer files
        Apply Patches
        *HACK COUGH SPLUTTER*
        Fire sequence of SQL upgrade scripts
        *COUGH COUGH HACK WHEEZE*
        Do some paperwork while waiting for the scripts to finish.
        More paperwork
        *CHOKE COUGH HACK COUGH CHOKE WHEEZE COUGH*

        “You doing ok over there, Taco?”

        “Just attempting to suffocate to death. I’m good.”

        “Ok, sounds like you’ve got it covered. Also, stay out of my office until you recover. And; we’ll be having a hazmat team decon’ing your area tomorrow so you might want to take the day off.”

        *COUGH WHEEZE COUGH*
        “Whatever for?”

        Adores: 5
    • 2011 May 24

      Storytime!!

      Ghostie – looks like Taco’s succumbing to the plague. See how green around the gills he’s getting? Yeah, I don’t think he’ll bother you.

      Yesterday hubby and I were scheduled to go to oldest daughter’s house for haircuts – she’s a hair stylist by trade – and in the process we get to play with grandkids and have dinner with her family.

      Yesterday morning, about 9:00 a.m. I begin getting a series of texts from her.

      “Uh..Mom? Just to warn you. The tummy thing that [daughter] had last week, yeah well [son] and [hubby] were up all night throwing up.”

      “Awesome.”

      “Yeah, at one point, Mom, I had vomit on the floor, blankie, tub, toilet, walls, and ceiling. Seriously, how does vomit get on the ceiling??”

      Feeling a little queasy, I reply. “Heh..Heh…yeah, epic vomiting..I remember those days.”

      “So, do you and Dad still want to come over tonight?”

      “Pass. Seriously, until you *outbreak monkeys are well we are not coming over.”

      “I’m fine. Weird, because I just found a chunk of vomit in my hair.”

      “Yeah, still passing.”

      “Okay…we’ll do it Friday if everyone is well.”

      “Sounds good.”

      This morning I get a text from her:

      “Ugh…I’ve got it now…”

      Ahh…the joys of viruses.

      /end storytime

      *totally true – it’s the nickname we give the family member that starts any virus/flu/projectile vomiting which spreads to the rest of us.

      Pepto anyone?

      Adores: 2
      • 2011 May 24

        Ugh. Pass on the Pepto. Got any weapons-grade Gravol?

        Adores: 1
        • 2011 May 24

          Gravol is awesome stuff. A shame I can’t get it in the states, I have to do drug runs across the boarder to get my triannual supply of it.

          Their dual release long acting capsules are the ONLY thing I’ve found that works on my motion sickness.

          The Dramamine, it does nothing!

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 May 24

          Here it’s Zofran….God couldn’t be everywhere, so He created Zofran.

          I get a steady supply, having fibro sometimes means epic nausea for no apparent reason, oh and fevers…it’s…awesome.

          I also have some Phenergen, but it’s potent and will knock me out so I use it sparingly and cut the pills in quarters.

          I can stand the pain, the fever, the exhaustion of fibro, but I draw the line at the imminent upchuck feeling.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 May 24

          Huh. I didn’t realize Gravol wasn’t available in the US. Good to know if I travel there to bring some along with me should I have need of it, because that stuff does work very well.

          Adores: 0
      • 2011 May 24
        funky monkey permalink

        “outbreak monkeys”

        I’ll show you an outbreak monkey!!!!!

        *starts flinging poo*

        Adores: 3
        • 2011 May 24

          Aww…and see, just goes to show you can’t judge a monkey by its squee-eliciting avatar!

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 May 24

          *retaliates by throwing inflated Oprahs at FM* Have-at!

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 May 24
          funky monkey permalink

          *chucks bananas at Sister*

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 May 24

          *gets the spray bottle and can of pennies* Bad monkey! *rattle rattle, squirt squirt* Wait… that’s cats.

          Adores: 2
    • 2011 May 24

      Surgical mask: Check.
      Gas mask: Check.
      Hazmat suit: Check.
      Cellophane wrap: Check.
      Space suit: Check.
      Virus-hunting nanites: Check.

      Okay. I can talk to you now.

      Adores: 4
      • 2011 May 24

        Surgical mask: Check.
        Gas mask: Check.
        HazmatSquirrel suit: Check.
        Cellophane wrap: Check.
        Space suit: Check.
        Virus-hunting nanites: Check.

        You made a tiny mistake; I fixed it.

        Adores: 5
        • 2011 May 24

          ….Damn you Google.

          So I didn’t think Taco had spelled Squirrel properly – for some reason it looked wrong. I’m guessing it looked wrong merely because it was Taco spelling it correctly and I’m mistrustful of any words typed by my brother coming out coherent.

          Anyway… a Google image search of the word Squirrel (JUST the word Squirrel) yields a plethora of adorable squirrel pictures… except for Picture Number 6. Picture number 6 is a 3-pan progression of Squirrel into meat pie. Why? Dear God, people!

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 May 24

          That can’t be right …

          :switches tabs:

          Yep, there it is. Squirrel, naked squirrel, squirrel hot pocket. That guy doesn’t look too happy to be holding that much squirrel.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 May 24
          funky monkey permalink

          Is there a band called Naked Squirrel Hot Pockets yet?

          That would be nuts.

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 May 24

          Is squirrel a euphemism?

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 May 24

          Why am I compelled to look these things up for myself? Well, at least it was tastefully (er, in a manner of speaking) portrayed by someone who is obviously some sort of chef and not time-lapse close-ups of Cousin Jeb’s down-home squirrel roast.

          In other news, Naked Squirrel Hot Pockets is IF’s Squirrel Nut Zippers cover band.

          Adores: 3
  18. 2011 May 24

    OT

    And now for something completely different.

    /OT

    Adores: 1
    • 2011 May 24

      Is there any way for me to squee without betraying my cool exterior? No? Okay, then.

      SQUEEEEEEbabybunny.

      Adores: 2
    • 2011 May 24

      Dude, you’re not only working my side of the street today, but my side of the zoo!

      * grumpily wanders away shaking his cane*

      Adores: 0
    • 2011 May 24
      Windrose permalink

      Not.A.Squirrel.

      Adores: 2
  19. 2011 May 24

    I’m in the box! With a helper! Now if she would kindly quit helping herself to my Dibbs, I would be ever so grateful and far less stabbity.

    Adores: 2
    • 2011 May 24

      *puts on kevlar suit and goes after Kelli’s Dibbs* So worth it!

      Adores: 0
    • 2011 May 24

      Dibbs

      Is that a euphemism?

      Adores: 0
      • 2011 May 24

        Dibbs are an ice cream novelty snack.

        Adores: 0
        • 2011 May 24

          Can’t even do comedy no more without people thinkin’ I’m srs…

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 May 25

          If it makes you feel any better, Astro, I never take you seriously.

          Adores: 0
      • 2011 May 24
        Windrose permalink

        Is that a euphemism in your pocket, or are you just happy to see us?

        I know, corner. The one with Chris Hansen on speed dial.

        Adores: 1
  20. 2011 May 25
    Windrose permalink

    kelli, glad you enjoyed your day in the box, and didn’t stab Lara too badly. Punchity punch punch to both of you.

    G’Night, Chicago!

    Adores: 1

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