YSaC, Vol. 1009: Alice Cooper? Or Adele?

2011 June 9

Antique 18TH To 19TH Item – $595 (160YRSOLDRARE)


Antique 18 TH To 19 TH Century Perfect Item.Please Call ###-###-#### To Make Arrangement’s To See This Item.No Picture’s On The Computer But Can Get You Some.Have Been Told By The Antique Pro’s This Item Is Worth From $1,800 To $2,600 Make A Offer.

Location: 160YRSOLDRARE

(And just in case you were wondering, no, there’s no picture.)

Sometimes we write snarky commentary. And sometimes the submitters do it for us. Quoth David:

“Considering The Cost Of Gas To Drive All The Way To 160YRSOLDRARE,TX (Which,If Memory Serves,Is The Town Just Past IMADOOFUSBURG) To Buy This Antique Perfect Item,The Financial Pro’s Told Me To Make A Offer To You Of From $1.80 – $2.60;The Higher Amount If You Can Get Me Some Picture’s On The Computer.”

Couldn’t have said it better myself. Thanks David!

106 Responses leave one →
  1. 2011 June 9
    Evil Spud Boy permalink

    I wonder if he might consider taking a couple of early 20th century things or maybe a colonial doohickey in trade for that item.

    Adores: 2
    • 2011 June 9

      I’ve been down that road before. But Doohickeis are on the way out. Right now it’s all about the Thingamajigs. As a Doohicky collector I’m torn about this change. Sure they’re less popular, but now Doohickies are cheaper than they’ve been in centuries. In fact you can trade one whozamawatzit and get FOUR doohickies these days. Problem is that a doohicky doesn’t appraise for a thingamabob these days.

      Sad, really.

      Adores: 9
      • 2011 June 9
        LurkRealClose permalink

        These days it’s all about the Wang Dang Doodle.

        Adores: 0
        • 2011 June 9
          funky monkey permalink

          The love of wang dang doodle is the root of all evil. I think that’s in the Bible, somewhere.

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 June 9

          I used to collect the Wang Dang Doodle, but I ended up Whopping them all night long. I ran out pretty quickly after that.

          Adores: 1
      • 2011 June 9
        Ziaheart permalink

        I’m partial to Whachumacallitz myself. How’s that faring?

        Adores: 2
  2. 2011 June 9
    LimeLolly permalink

    Great-Grammy went walking one night and was never heard from again, until one day she was brought in to Antiques Roadshow.

    Adores: 16
  3. 2011 June 9

    Okay, it’s 160 years old, it’s rare, valuable, it perfectly summarises the 18th and19th centuries, and it’s impossible to photograph – it can only be Napoleon’s accession to power in 1851 (I expect it comes in a nice French Prudential box). Either that, or the abolition of the Window Tax.
    Oh, and I believe Yrsoldrare is a suburb of Midgard…

    Adores: 13
    • 2011 June 9
      mudslicker permalink

      If it’s 18th century, wouldn’t that make it more than 160 years old? My catculator is out of solar power—must be due to solar flares.

      Adores: 1
    • 2011 June 9
      Ziaheart permalink

      Oh, no. See, the place is 160 years old and rare. The place only appears once every 160 years. Better make that deal fast before Sparky disappears with the place.

      Adores: 1
  4. 2011 June 9

    Yrsoldrare is a development in Miami, it’s where all the hip seniors live I’m told. Apparently, Sparky lives in the 160 block of MakeAnOffer Ln.

    Adores: 7
    • 2011 June 9
      Lola permalink

      Odd, I thought it was a Welsh village where they used to make one-of-a-kind items. The things I learn every day on YSaC!

      Adores: 2
  5. 2011 June 9

    *offers 160 year old item a hard butterscotch candy*

    Adores: 6
    • 2011 June 9

      I think it’s sweet they’ve been an item for so long. Most immortal couples barely last a century.

      Adores: 6
  6. 2011 June 9
    Grampdaddy permalink

    Where’s my cane?

    Where’s MY cane?

    WHERE”S MY CANE??

    SOMEBODY STOLE MY ANTIQUE CANE.

    How in the heck did my cane end up on YSAC?

    *Wanders away muttering about “Damn kids…”*

    Adores: 16
    • 2011 June 9
      L -squared permalink

      One day Grampdaddy went out walking and was never heard from again…. 😉

      Adores: 8
      • 2011 June 9

        He must have been arrested for harassment.

        Adores: 1
        • 2011 June 9
          Grampdaddy permalink

          Astro, I’ve never considered you a “damn kid” – perhaps a “chronologically-challenged student of the mellophone” …

          Adores: 6
        • 2011 June 9

          I thought Astro played the Euphonium… or was it the homophone… I can never remember because they sound so similar.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 June 9

          I play the Euphemism quite well. Got all my fingerings down.

          Adores: 6
        • 2011 June 9

          *Snerk*

          I don’t get it…

          Adores: 5
        • 2011 June 9

          You know how to play the euphemism, don’t you? Just put your lips together and blow.

          Adores: 5
        • 2011 June 9
          funky monkey permalink

          “I thought Astro played the Euphonium… or was it the homophone”

          Hey, hey now! They prefer to be called “alternative lifestyle phones”, thank you very much.

          Adores: 8
        • 2011 June 9
          Meredith permalink

          The way everyone keeps talking like this about Astro, I feel like I’m going to look up and Chris Hansen will be reading over my shoulder.

          BRB, I have to take a seat “over there” for something.

          Adores: 5
        • 2011 June 9

          Well, it won’t be too much longer before it’s legal to make pervy references to Astro. Another what… 18 months or so?

          Adores: 0
      • 2011 June 9

        Amateur Night at the Sweaty Scotsman and too many mai-tais. He’ll show up eventually, he just needs to finish rolling all the quarters they tossed at him.

        Adores: 5
  7. 2011 June 9

    Something Is Bugging Me About This Advertisement, But I Just Can’t Seem To Get My Pinky On It…

    Adores: 5
  8. 2011 June 9
    Laurelhach permalink

    I wonder if he’ll trade his Perfect Item for a famous explorer. My Meriwether Lewis is just sitting there, taking up space on the shelf.

    Adores: 6
    • 2011 June 9
      Lola permalink

      Trade you that for a Álvar Núñez Cabeza de Vaca. I have dos, and I need the Lewis to complete my Lewis-and-Clark set.

      Adores: 0
      • 2011 June 10
        CapnMac permalink

        Y’know, the world has become a less-imaginative place since people started giving up family names like “Head of a Cow” (ok, so it should read Calfshaid–which will be west of Wainscotting on one’s bicycle tour of North Cornwall, but still . . . )

        Adores: 1
  9. 2011 June 9

    “So I have this old thing, right? Really rare thing. It’s 160 years old. I don’t know when it was made, maybe like, 18th or 19th century? I don’t know how to convert years to centuries. So anyway, it’s really awesome, I mean it’s perfect. I could totally see this in your living room next to the elephant’s foot garbage can and the hoxtagonal end table with the monkey’s paw wine bottle cozy. Seriously, it’s like one of a kind, maybe one of several of a kind, but you really won’t find this anywhere else. Or, you know, if you do, it’ll probably be, like, really far away. But this one is right here, man! Right here in 160YEARSRARE, TX! This really old rare thing! Sorry, no pictures, but if you come over I have some on the computer. No, I don’t know about sending pictures to the Internet. It confuses and scares me. But seriously, come on, what do you say? Two large? Two. Two large. Large. Thousand. No, dollars. American dollars. Stop laughing.”

    Adores: 7
    • 2011 June 9
      Grampdaddy permalink

      monkey’s paw wine bottle cozy

      MF!! You cad – what did you do to our little funky monkey?! I am distressed, really, really distressed. How is she going to pick nits in the snark lounge now?

      Say you’re sorry, and sound like you mean it….

      Adores: 2
    • 2011 June 10
      funky monkey permalink

      I missed the monkey paw mention. Thanks for sticking up for me, pa/paw.

      For the record, there is nothing “cozy” about a monkey’s paw. We get a lot of nastiness under our nails and our palms are really sweaty.

      Adores: 0
  10. 2011 June 9
    funky monkey permalink

    Didn’t Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin travel thru Yrsoldrare on their way to Mordor?

    Adores: 5
    • 2011 June 9
      Windrose permalink

      Yes, that’s where they got drunk and had a threesome*. Or did I dream it?

      Edit:*Frodo was too busy brooding to join in.

      Adores: 1
      • 2011 June 9
        funky monkey permalink

        OMG, why would your brain go there?!? Ew!

        Wait, now I’m more curious than offended. There were four of them, what did the 4th do while the 3 some was going on? Did he watch, film it, run a commentary? Was he a referee? Which one was it? It was Sam, wasn’t it? Poor little Sam got zero respect.

        EDIT: Ah, Windy edited hers while I was writing mine.

        Adores: 4
        • 2011 June 9
          Windrose permalink

          FM, you’re not a “fan”, are you? Or you’ve never heard of slash fanfic? Or you’re a pervy elf fancier. 8) No offense meant, cute little orange ape!

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 June 9
          Windrose permalink

          Also, this was during their experimental college days.

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 June 9
          funky monkey permalink

          Did some Googling and researchng. I, I never knew. I have been so sheltered here in Tennessee, er, the jungle. Where us monkeys hang out. They’ve not had cable tv nor the internets here for long. It wasn’t too long ago that if you wanted to skype with someone you had to have a physicial and a blood test first.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 June 9

          Another innocent tainted. Our job here is done.

          *Adds another checkmark under Ape*

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 June 9
          Lola permalink

          There, there, FM. It’s OK.
          *passes flask*

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 June 9
          funky monkey permalink

          *burp* Ah, thank ye, ma’am.

          Adores: 0
    • 2011 June 9
      Irregular Fractal permalink

      Slightly OT…

      I was recently a marshall for our Commencement ceremony, shepherding about 100 soon-to-be-secondary education graduates in and out of the stands at the Big Basketball Arena (TM). We had to march ’em in (head ’em up!), sit ’em down (move ’em on!), move ’em across the stage (head ’em up! Rawhide!), and so forth.

      The first group of students who followed me in, and then were seated next to me, were a group of young female World Languages majors. They were giddy and chatty and once we sat down, quite concerned with being near their friends when the split across bleacher rows fell in an unfortunate place for them.

      I turned to them and explained that when we walked down, we’d reform the rows and be reunited with our friends. This twenty-something young lady looks at me and says, “You’re like Sam to our Frodo.”

      I was so pleased to see that we’re doing a good job of exposing our students to the Classics.

      (And no, Astro, I can’t get you a date with her. Sorry.)

      Adores: 7
      • 2011 June 9
        SpaceBug permalink

        Could be worse, she might’ve responded in Klingon

        Adores: 1
        • 2011 June 9
          Irregular Fractal permalink

          Those would be our OtherWorld Languages majors. I think they were right behind the Cartoon Physics and Antisocial Studies folks.

          Adores: 7
        • 2011 June 9
          Lola permalink

          Antisocial Studies would be a great band name, IF.

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 June 9
          Windrose permalink

          A cover band for Social D?

          Adores: 1
  11. 2011 June 9
    Lola permalink

    Have Been Told By The Antique Pro’s This Item

    The Antique Pro’s what?!?
    If anything other than the antique pro’s mouth is talking, I am out of here.

    Adores: 5
    • 2011 June 9

      Now I can only picture an Antique Pro doing puppetry of his bottom while appraising 18th to 19th items.

      “So it’s worth a lot, but more importantly do you think I need a breath mint?”

      Adores: 1
      • 2011 June 9

        “Can I ass you a question?”

        Also, Puppetry of the Bottom is the sequel to Puppetry of the Pecil.

        Adores: 1
      • 2011 June 9
        Lola permalink

        puppetry of his bottom

        *iced coffee meets computer screen*

        Adores: 3
    • 2011 June 9
      Meredith permalink

      He meant Antique PROSE. It’s lovely.

      Edit: Dammit, where’d the rest of my post go? This work computer is seriously making me want to drown it. Anyway, I wrote something charmingly humorous about Antique prose. Just go with it.

      Adores: 6
  12. 2011 June 9
    Lola permalink

    Theory: not only do they have a no electronic pictures of this item available, they have no freaking idea what this item is, either.

    … Anybody elese think it might be something of a vaguely or not so vaguely scandalous nature?

    Adores: 4
    • 2011 June 9

      An 18th Century RumpyBottomed Walrus Emasculator. Quite a racy thing to try to sell on Criagslist, actually.

      Adores: 2
      • 2011 June 9

        I don’t think they cover that in the Walrus Sutra.

        Adores: 2
        • 2011 June 9

          Well they should… I don’t want Nekkid RummpyBottomed Walruses running around in my Walrus Sutra.

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 June 9

          I’d be uncomfortable with a naked RummpyBottomed anything running around, masculated or not.

          Adores: 2
      • 2011 June 9
        funky monkey permalink

        I think it’s a box full of Vermicious Knids.

        Adores: 3
    • 2011 June 9
      Lola permalink

      Probably the sort of thing where, were it old enough to have been discovered archaeologically, it would be classified as “ritual object,” the we-don’t-know-what-the-hell-this-is catchall category. The antique appraisers can’t default to “ritual object,” so they just play mysterious.

      Adores: 1
      • 2011 June 9

        The antique store equivalent to “ritual object” is “collectible”.

        Adores: 1
      • 2011 June 9
        mudslicker permalink

        I love the ritual object/religious artifact/fertility object default in archaeology. It’s a comforting potpourri of possibilities.

        Adores: 1
      • 2011 June 9
        Grampdaddy permalink

        I have one of those ritual objects here at home. Every time I try to introduce the ritual, Grampmommy objects. Something along the lines of, “Will you put that thing away, you’ll scare the canary!” I didn’t know we even had a canary.

        Adores: 1
        • 2011 June 9
          Windrose permalink

          Ahem. “Scare the Canary” is the standard ballad played on the Euphemism. It’s rather catchy. Lots of trills.

          Adores: 0
    • 2011 June 9
      CapnMac permalink

      Of course those things that were scandalous in 1851 are less so, now, 1.6 centuries hence.

      Adores: 0
  13. 2011 June 9
    Windrose permalink

    Welcome to Yrsoldrare, The Antique Pro’s! Bring in any item, and we will NOT take a picture of it! We will give you a doubletalk story about it without identifying the item! And we will assure you of the inflated value that you are going to receive. For a $99 consultation fee, you get all this, plus when you sell it, we take another 35%. What A Deal!

    Adores: 3
  14. 2011 June 9

    Before I drive down Yrsoldrare Street to No. 160, I need to know: Is it a copy of the queen original?

    Adores: 4
  15. 2011 June 9
    camille permalink

    Actually, I think $1800 to $2600 is a real bargain for an entire century.

    Adores: 5
    • 2011 June 9

      Yeah, but you’re taking a chance on which one. The 18th was a much crappier century than the 19th.

      Adores: 2
      • 2011 June 9
        CapnMac permalink

        Might depend on where a person spent that century.

        One might argue that 1761 NYC had amenities that 1861 NYC did not.

        The Nebraska plains were probably a different sort of place in 1761 than in 1861, as well.

        Hmm, even during 1761, London will be much different than Paris which will be different than Osaka . . .

        Adores: 3
  16. 2011 June 9
    Meredith permalink

    I was raised on a diet of Antiques Roadshow and retro culture, so I’m actually intriuged enough to want a 160 year old rare “object” regardless of what it is. Course, with my luck it will end up being a Victorian enema bag….previously used.

    Adores: 2
    • 2011 June 9

      Antique hemorrhoid guillotine.

      Seriously, it’s a real thing… Google it.

      Adores: 1
      • 2011 June 9

        No. Just … just no.

        *clenches*

        Adores: 1
      • 2011 June 9
        Lola permalink

        Taco, pardon me if I don’t. I will take your word for it.
        *nods vigorously*

        Adores: 0
      • 2011 June 9
        funky monkey permalink

        *laughing hysterically*

        I’m imagining puppetry of the bottom + an antique hemorrhoid guillotine.

        Adores: 2
        • 2011 June 9
          Lola permalink

          Kind of like a cigar cutter, but more surgical in nature.

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 June 9
          LimeLolly permalink

          *quickly stands up and walks away*

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 June 9
          funky monkey permalink

          What’s wrong, Lolly? Did you feel a bris?

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 June 9
          LimeLolly permalink

          I needed to get out of practice range… 8)

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 June 9

          You should get on that, chop chop!

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 June 9

          I took one for the team and asked Uncle Google; he found me hemorrhoid forceps and tonsil guillotines, but no hemorrhoid guillotines.

          I’ve also lost the will to live, but I’m sure some fluffy ocelittle pictures will cure that.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 June 9

          Drat, yes my mind was smashing the two tools together.

          I was referring to the forceps… there’s a pair that have a built in set of scissors for the extraction portion after you’ve locked them down.

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 June 9

          Snip, Snip go the scissors

          Do you dare click it?!

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 June 9
          funky monkey permalink

          “hemorrhoid forceps” That’s so much more disturbing than the guillotine image. I think I’ll postpone lunch until maybe 3:pm. Tomorrow.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 June 9
          mudslicker permalink

          I always click. Adorable.

          🙂

          Thanks Taco!

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 June 9

          I always click too.

          AWWWWWWWW!

          Otters?

          EDIT: looked at link. Yes, otters.

          AWWWWWWWW!

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 June 9

          Awww…♥

          They look like little furry sausages with faces.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 June 9

          The foot/paw sticking out is to die for. ♥

          Adores: 0
      • 2011 June 9
        Grampdaddy permalink

        “hemorrhoid guillotine”

        That really would have change “Tale of Two Cities”, wouldn’t it?

        “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Spice Christ, I gotta do something about these ‘rrhoids, I can barely walk, and I can’t sit at all. Any suggestions?”

        “Well, sure – Go see LaFarge over at the square by the palace, She’ll fix you right up!” (Background sound of blade falling and crowd cheering) “See, there’s another satisfied customer.”

        Adores: 3
  17. 2011 June 9
    Bianchi Sound permalink

    Isn’t 160 years old pretty old for a cat, or are is that in Cat Years?

    Sorry, I missed out on all of the cat post recently.

    Nevermind.

    Adores: 2
  18. 2011 June 9

    160 years old is a great town, it holds a 160 year anniversity every year, has the oldest 160th year old, and the best 160th street in the Nation.

    Adores: 1
  19. 2011 June 9

    [OT]

    Bacon Ipsum.

    That is all.

    [/OT]

    Adores: 1
  20. 2011 June 9
    ToBScholarly permalink

    Love apostrophes
    Even when not possessive.
    Capitalize less.

    Adores: 1
    • 2011 June 9
      Bianchi Sound permalink

      Why do you write thus?
      Seems to be a bit stilted.
      Oh, I see! Haiku!

      Adores: 1
      • 2011 June 9
        ToBScholarly permalink

        You Are Quite Astute.
        And You Shall Be Rewarded.
        Want Something Antique?

        Adores: 1
        • 2011 June 9

          Haiku Haiku Hai
          Ku Haiku Haiku Haiku
          Haiku Haiku Ku

          Adores: 2
  21. 2011 June 10
    Windrose permalink

    Is this thing on? Why are there no comments since my last one? And if I place a can of corn in the yard during a full moon, will the hemorrhoid fairy come and relieve my suffering?

    Alice, Punchity Punch Punch!

    G’Night, Anti Ques, wherever you are!

    Adores: 2

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