YSaC, Vol. 1014: In cat math, that’s two tuna and a squeaky mouse.
PUBLIC NOTICE
Date: 2011-06-13, 12:51AM PDT
PUBLIC NOTICE
Any contact from this point forward (10:10 am PST, Jan. 5, 2010) by any person with [Person A] or [Person B] will result in a standard hourly charge of $577.60 per with a two hour minimum per vehicle of correspondence. All emails, physical visits, faxes, telephone calls, third party correspondence, deliveries, US Mail, public or private delivery companies, attorneys or couriers, cell phone calls, instant messages, text messages, or any other possible or conceivable methods to communicate will be subject to these charges. If any communication methods are received between the hours of 7:00 pm thru 6:59 am Mondays thru Saturdays the previous stated standard hourly charge of $577.60 per with a two hour minimum per vehicle of correspondence will be doubled. If any communication methods are received between the hours of 7:00 am Saturdays thru 11:59 pm Saturdays thru Sundays the previous stated standard hourly charge of $577.60 per with a two hour minimum per vehicle of correspondence will be quadrupled. These rates are fully binding and non-negotiable. The party choosing to contact or correspond with [Person A] and/or [Person B] will have done so by their complete and free will and will have thus chosen to wholly, entirely, and totally consummated and accepted these rates and agreement without any possible exceptions whatsoever.
This is actually kind of ingenious; let’s say that you have telemarketers, fraudulent bill collectors, or your mother-in-law calling you on a regular basis., and you would like to deter this behavior.
Step 1: Answer the phone. Step 2: ???. Step 3: Profit!
The retroactive dating is a bit odd, though — do you think they’ll go back through all of their correspondences over the last year and a half and bill everyone they interacted with for their time? Do they charge the grocery bagger at the supermarket if he greets them? What about if they have to go to the dentist — do they send him a invoice afterwards?
There’s only one flaw with this cunning plan: unfortunately, Craigslist is not a legally valid place to post public notices. But why let a little legal reality get in the way of your moneymaking scheme?
Thanks, Stephanie!
That’s a whole lot of consummating. Just sayin’.
Smedly, you owe me $1155.20 for me reading your post. You can count it as credit against the $1155.20 I owe you for reading your post.
Smedley: I’ll charge you a flat fee of $300 for me to read your posts and you to read mine.
Beat THAT, Taco boy.
So what do you owe me for the misspelling of my name, TM?
You got a genuine TacoTypo at no extra charge, don’t press your luck.
FM, I’m charging you 1155.20 for having to read your post and an additional 1155.20 for you reading this one. I’ll be crediting you 1155.20 for writing your post. Smedley will need to credit you 1155.20 for you reading his post which then can come diretly from 1155.20 that you owe me. In order to rectify this I’ll be cancelling the charge of 1155.20 for my second reply to Smedley, in concurrence with his credit to you.
Account Due: $0. Thank you for your prompt payment!
That’s what she said.
She = your mom.
Ugh, you do maths like my last power company. They sent me three “final notice” letters requesting that I _immediately_ pay them $0.00 or I would get disconnected and have a permanent ‘naughty’ sticker on my credit history. When I called the callcentre for the fourth time, the guy I was talking to heaved a deep sigh and said “The computer goes on power trips sometimes.”
Jen, I once read a story about someone getting an electricity bill for £0.00 which they ignored. They got another, then the final demand – so they sent a cheque for £0.00, which was accepted.
Duck,
Duck, duck, duck, goose
So, let’s get this straight: if I send an email to person A in the middle of the day on a weekday it’s gonna cost me $1155.20. A “drop-in” after 7pm costs me $2310.40 and a text message on a weekend goes for over $4600. Yowza. Guess this person is looking to divest himself of friends.
I’m thinking he doesn’t have to worry a whole lot about friends.
And what an odd figure: $577.60. I may try this to discourage relatives from dropping by, if my chain link fence and security system and pit bulls stop being effective.
You may also want to institute a manditory Wet-Willy policy at the door, that would probably keep even the most determined relatives at bay.
Except that one uncle who loves wet willies.
We try to make sure he doesn’t know where we live.
What Uncle George does in his bedroom with his British boyfriends is none of our business.
Rumor has it that Uncle George sleeps on the whore-side of the bed.
I wanted to ask this question yesterday, but didn’t: Is the whore side of the bed also the wet side?
I’m guessing it depends on the type of whore, FM.
PUBLIC NOTICE
Any posting, in any forum where I can reasonably be expected to be able to read it, of any public notice purporting to subject me to charges for contacting any person or persons shall subject the person posting the notice and the person or persons named therein to be jointly and severally liable for 15,749 firm obos in liquidated damages per hour or fraction thereof during which the posting is publicly accessible. By making the posting, you agree to these terms and also agree to personal jurisdiction and venue in a court whose presiding judge is a close personal friend of mine. I do not accept PayPal.
How ’bout PalPal?
At this point I not only started laughing and snorting uncontrollably but you made my day. Elebenty brazillian waxed doors for you.
Thankyee. 🙂 Except I just noticed I spelled “prickly pairs,” which I think refers to a porcupine’s testicles, which would make that sentence even weirder. But she most definitely does not use porcupine testicles. She has other plans for those.
The lampshades that look like puffer fish is my guess.
Aaaaannnd MF gets my “suppressed snorting at work” award for the day. Good thing I’m about to go get the iced coffee and didn’t do it already.
I know, right? I have to cover my laughing with coughs. My boss thinks I have TB. She tried to send me home Monday.
Re the porcupine testes: If you scrape out the insides and stuff them and tie ribbons to them they make LOVELY Christmas tree ornaments.
Next time you feel the urge to laugh at work, just let it out. When your boss asks what’s so funny, tell him or her that you had a strong itch right on your side, you know where people tend to tickle you, round the love handles? Because contrary to popular belief you can tickle yourself.
If that doesn’t work, just tell them your lack of sleep made you punchy and there’s a pattern in the office burbur carpet that looks like a pair of buttocks.
So you’ve been to my office, then?
Great, great! I just shot coffee everywhere again, MF. Between the sunflower seed shells and the sprayed beverages IT will have to be replacing my keyboard again. Second time in 3 years. I know they hate me.
Llamanun,
This may not be the best time to bring this up, but you still have not made any payments on your outstanding balance of $458,614.40 for posts made from my person at the rate of $577.60 per hour of posting with 2 hour minimums enforced for every day that I haven’t posted but have stopped by.
I am updating your balance to $459,769.60 to cover the costs incurred from this notification of costs due.
Please remit full payment to:
TacoMagic’s TacoHut
Behind the Burgerking Dumpster
Serialkillerton, WI 53233
Wait, I thought you moved up to a swanky dropbox outside of Kinkos? What happened? Too many late night college students plagiarizing their term papers and chucking their Frappuccinos in the slot?
Yeah… Apparently “Drop Slot” doesn’t mean what I think it means.
I just had a very disturbing mental picture of people doing unnatural things with the clothing drop box across the street.
Why do you think he calls them t shits?
What a coincidence! My current address is
A Box
Under the Burgerking Dumpster
Serialkillerton, WI 53233
That’ll be $6.00. 😉
You’re always such a bargain Mr. Winkey.
p.s. Should you have questions, you may contact me at ### #### or email me anytime at ConsumMated@gmail.com. Contact is encouraged. 🙂
I’m scared to find out what will happen if I try to send something to that email address.
You get a call from the Warden…
Hey, BD! Where have you been hiding?
I have been very non-snarkified lately. Been here every day enjoying all of yours, but have zero to add. Life has initiated a beat down upon me, so I come to get a smile…
This is definitely meant to be on the SAT or ACT. Perhaps the GRE. With LMNOP and the FTC. Sometimes the PLO and ALA but only if you STFU and have a SNAFU. The CIA and the FBI might need to be called because of your GED. Which most Sparky’s don’t have. Or at least didn’t earn. I belong to the PLA and LLAMA which believe it or not does exist in Library Land. I wish I could say I joined it purely because it is LLAMA but I had the motivation of being interested too. Given the cost I needed to be. Go join the ALA people. This has been a very confused public notice a.k.a. PSA.
Lara, I’m charging you $578.99 for every TLA in your post. (Three Letter Acronym) However, you may charge me for the longer acronyms. I also clicked on your link. Please send me a bill.
Why a bill? You’re not a duck.
Really?
No, you get down off a duck…..
Have you noticed you’re having trouble swimming? Owls don’t swim, hun. On the other hand, you have excellent eyesight. It’s OK.
Ducks?! I love ducks! That is such a cute duck, Windrose!
DUCK!
Awwww, now you’re a duck!
(Nice trick, by the way!)
And you get a slap for a goose . . .
MAN!
*A man and a duck are walking down the street together. Suddenly the man notices a low flying airplane coming right for them. So the man yells “DUCK!!!!” The duck looks angrily back at the man and yells “MAN!!!!”
*reported for speciesist jokes*
8)
SAMMICH!
“Which do you shoot? Soup or Duck?”
“Duck, sir.”
***BONK***
Duck…
Wow, the going rate for Trixie and Bambie has sure gone up in the past year. I guess not everyone is suffering from a tanking economy.
You know Trixie and Bambie too?!
That was my first thought, Sister Lyle. “Well, just because CL got rid of the “Adult Services” category doesn’t mean you can’t still find them there!” “Hell of an hourly rate” was my second one.
No kidding… I’m in the wrong business!
[OT] The one unpleasant instant in my life in which I had to consult a lawyer actually played out a lot like this. It was not a good time hence my need for a lawyer and now I feel like I can’t afford one if I need one in the future, which knowing the douche canoe who caused the first situation I may. Perhaps Sparky is destined for a law career. [OT]
Lara, look for people who are doing either pro bono or sliding-fee-scale (based on income and what you are able to pay) if you need legal advice in future. I work for lawyers whose hourly rates are higher than the one quoted in the ad, and while you probably don’t need lawyers of that type, I sympathize with anyone who thinks about legal bills* and cringes.
*Which include my hourly rate**, but at a much lower level
**’Cause I’m a professional***
***But not that kind
😉
I do not believe I have ever heard the words ‘douche’ and ‘canoe’ in the same context before. It brings up an interesting mental picture that I am NOT going to draw for everyone’s sake.
Is the Douche Canoe kind of like the Love Train?
Yes, except it’s a bunch of jerky guys who are all in love with themselves.
… duck…
I knew about douche canoes before they were popular.
I still use a douche canoe, but I paddle it ironically.
I haven’t either, but I have heard “douche” and “Corvette” in the same sentence, if not in the same context…
Believe me when I say that this guy deserves any and all names you can think of or make up. I don’t know where douche canoe came from but I am fairly sure it is not one I made up. I am happy to contribute it though and please send some bad Juju his way mentally.
I got it from reading The Bloggess, I believe.
That is a very likely source for me too Lola. I tend to pick things up from that blog.
“douche canoe”
I’m writing that one down. Thanks.
I see a lack of clarity on Sundays! Quick everybody, let’s contact Sparky on Sundays!
Personally, I feel all readers today ought each be recompensed the GNP of Narnia for each instance of use of “thru” by Sparky A and Sparky B.
Generally, when I consummate, no money changes hands. And there’s not a two-hour minimum, though perhaps I should consider instituting that policy.
Also, not to get all law-nerd on you, Sparky, but I’m pretty sure you can’t unilaterally declare a “fully binding” contract without the other party to the contract actually affirmatively accepting said contract.
Your tacit agreement is inferred by your failure to include the word “phylogeny” in your communications, as laid out in Section XV, Part 4, paragraph orange of the fine print. If you do not have a copy of your fine print, you can find it engraved on a single grain located in a box of Uncle Benz Converted Rice delivered to the Walgreens in lower Manhattan.
I’m sure I remember this from contract law – some company tried to run ads which said (somewhere in the 2-pt fine print, natch) that by _not_ replying to the ads, you were accepting their T&Cs. One of those so-mind-bendingly-stupid-it’s-technically-legal things which is a pain in the arse to prove in Court. That could just be my funny little country, though.
But, the crimson robes and powdered wigs make it so pretty an experience . . .
Hrm, only we have no crimson robes and powdered wigs until you get to the Supreme Court (we’re all about *accessible* justice). Which technical, persnickety contract issues relating to cheap newspaper-ad-running companies tend not to do…
Well, I have heard it said that I ought associate more with ordinary clarks and barristers than QC–but one seldom can control who one’s neighbors are (or the costumes they wear to work).
I don’t have anything to say but I felt like commenting because I haven’t in a while. And today seems like a good day for it as everyone is charging for their posts so maybe I can jump on the bandwagon and make some money too!
I hope you enjoyed this comment, brought to you by the letter $.
I will be happy to remit payment for your post, but it should be noted that my post will cost approximately the same amount, so if I send you $498.43.8-1/2, will you be sure and send it right back so I can mark it in my ledger? Thanks.
This post brought to you by my assistant, because that’s what I pay it for. And by “it” I mean “a honey badger.”
I’m impressed you got your assistant to do work, MF. Because according to the internet,* honey badgers don’t give a shit.
*which is never wrong, right?
While it is true that honey badgers do not, in fact, give a single shit about almost anything, the one thing I have discovered that they cannot abide by under any circumstances is the photo of Anthony Wiener’s crotch. I have no idea why, really, but I tell you, that badger is totally compliant after just a brief flash (er, sorry) of that image.
I prefer my badgers unsweetened please
I’ll make a note of this for my own future reference Lara, but apparently honey badger doesn’t give a shit.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4r7wHMg5Yjg
One of the reasons I like this is that the narrator reminds me of a friend of mine.
That’s hilarious. I knew what honey badgers were but I had never seen that video 😀
I will gladly pay you Tuesday* for
a hamburgerreading your post today.*in tuna flavored kibble…
.. duck..
GOOSE!!!!
Yes?
Oh. Goose. Sorry, my mistake.
Pekin!
And Peking, too!
Is Pekin a Sino-pecil?
Trinket! You have a birthday this month, too! 8) I can’t check the date until I go home, unless I want to wade through the forums. I do have webbed feet, to make the wade more fun.
If I had seen this, I would have mailbombed A and B from multiple e-mail accounts.
I suspect they have a hacked yahoo mail account and are being mailbombed, even as their hijacked account mailbombs others . . .
You find puppy yet? 🙁
No :*-( Going back to look more tonight…
I’ll think good thoughts.
*hugs*
I didn’t realize anything happened. That’s too sad. Good luck, Hammy. 🙁
::hugs:: Good luck!
((((((HAM))))))
So sorry to hear this. Best of luck. I will think good lousy poncho moose thoughts in your general direction.
I am sending good thoughts
$577.60 is the standard rate. Tell me, what’s the premium rate, and do you have any good deals going on at the moment?
NMN! NMN!!! Welcome back!!! I wondered where you’d gotten to.
The sponsor for today’s public notice is a company that wants to sue your debt collectors to make them pay you. I am very unclear on how that concept would remotely work. Hence it is perfect for Sparky.
DAFT, here’s your Punchity Punch Punch to add to the collection. And Mel, here’s an honorable Punchity Punch Punch!
G’Night, Justice League!
Everyone who has commented previously owes me $123.40 per word I had to read. Everyone who reads this comment owes me $89.25 per word for reading what I have written. Everyone who comments after this comment owes me $67.50 per word for commenting after me.
Do you take personal checks?
You don’t say
Digi, since I totally messed up the box yesterday, and didn’t punch out this morning, you get to stay in there with kelli. You’re welcome. Punchity Punch Punch!
Good Afternoon, Commentariat!